Writing Feedback / IELTS: Compare and contrast:taking a trip by oneself and taking a group tour with guidance [4]

This essay is too lengthy to me (more than 700 words). As you have to complete two tasks in one hour, this task 2 essay should contain around 300 words only.


You could merge these two sentences into one (Traveling has become an increasing demand ...)


Does the prompt ask you which one of them is more comfortable? If not, I feel that this sentence is a bit off-topic and you should focus on comparing and contrasting these kinds of traveling.


divided/split equally


Actually, I don't think that anybody "enjoys" that kind of feeling :)


I think you should choose one example and make it clear rather than listing every possible ideas. Otherwise, they make your paragraphs complicated and even hard to follow.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial for my country [6]


I don't think you should use "invention" instead of "discovery" as they have different meanings. The former means creating something new, while the latter is figuring out something that preexists. The internet is more like an invention to me, rather than a discovery.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 4 - TASK 1 - DEMAND FOR ELECTRICITY IN ENGLAND [6]


doubles the corresponding figure for the summer


You don't need to mention the figures in the overview paragraph.


And I agree with Arian!

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 1: The portion of different ages of the population in Yemen and Italy [4]

The first thing you should pay attention to is what tense should be used in your essay. In this kind of task, you should use simple past tense when reporting the features of 2000 and future tense for 2050. Also, your essay is too long (331 words - it is even longer than a Task 2 essay). In the real test, you have to complete 2 essays in only one hour so make sure to spend your time wisely.


The pie charts illustrate the changes in the proportion of different age groups in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050.


the population aged 0 - 14 years old


accounted for the highest percentage in 2010


around half of the country


took up the second highest proportion. "Play an important role" is the wrong phrase in this case.


with 46.3%


I think "proportion" is a better word. Portion means a part of something.


increasing by 11%


You don't need to explain in Task 1 essay.


,


Both are wrongly used in this essay. It should be "the proportion of" or "the percentage of"


took up the largest proportion


it is projected to drop


the percentage of elderly people are predicted to increase


I don't think "popular" is the appropriate word.


This is not necessary.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Essay task 1 : Different forms of entertainment over a five- year period [3]



In my opinion, your overview paragraph should have two sentences. The first is that one you wrote but the figure is not necessary. Save it for your detailed paragraphs. The second one is your last sentence "Money spent in cinemas..."

Also, pay attention to the tense in this essay. This should be simple past tense.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: THE GRAPH; three different categories in the Britain economy [5]

"Double" is the wrong word. You could say: The contribution of manufacturing decreased by half or The contribution of manufacturing experienced a reduction of 50%

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: THE GRAPH; three different categories in the Britain economy [5]


a period of 100 years


"illustrates" sounds better.


UK economy


"However" is the wrong word here.

I don't think a rise of 6 percent is dramatic. You could write another way: As can be seen clearly, the most.... rising from 4 percent to around 35 percent in 2000.


The proportion of


I don't understand what you mean here.


were the main contributors of UK economy

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The pie chart; People living in poverty in the UK [5]


This part is not necessary.




,


It would be better if you could form an overview paragraph from these two sentences.

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 [3]


The table illustrates the changes in monthly spending of an average Australian household between 1991 and 2001.


I feel that both "At a glance" and "It can be seen that" mean the same. You could simply write "Overall".


I think that "other goods and services" were the biggest item of expenditure.
In the overview paragraph, you could indicate the change in total spending instead, for example: Overall, there was a rise in the total expenditure of an Australian family from 1991 to 2001.


It is not correct. Actually, electricity and water consumption experienced the most significant increase over the period.


This sentence is not aligned with your overview.


I don't quite get what you mean here and I don't think "expensive" is the right word.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Changing trends of local access to the advanced technology in the UK from 1996 to 2003. [4]

Thank you very much, Kalyn. Actually, I tried to do these tasks as regularly as possible and read relevant topics on the Internet to pick some ideas for my essays. Keep practicing and I hope you will achieve your desirable score :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: various nutrition of two different dinners [7]

Hi, Kalyn. I haven't read this book yet but I think some of the phrases you used are too complicated. Sometimes, a very simple essay with great ideas and structure can help you to achieve a high score. Also, you need to know when to use these kinds of words rather than applying them in every essay. For example, I don't think the word "enjoy" is appropriate in this case. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 5; three different countries population compare [4]


aged 65 or older


I think "elderly people" or "aging population" sounds better.
You write very well!

Writing Feedback / Changing trends of local access to the advanced technology in the UK from 1996 to 2003. [4]

It would be better if you provided us with the graph of this essay.


The graph illustrates the changes in


If you use "over", "during" is not necessary.


Is it a fluctuation or a downward trend?


it increased considerably

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: various nutrition of two different dinners [7]


The two pie charts compare the percentage of several nutrients in medium baked potato and macaroni.


You can't use "rise" or "fall" in this essay as there is no change here.


Macaroni has higher proportions of carbohydrates and saturated fat than medium baked potato.


"enjoy" is the wrong word -> You had better write: Carbohydrates account for the highest proportion of both dinners


Meanwhile, saturated fat takes up over 20% of macaroni, doubling the corresponding figure for medium baked potato.



As I mentioned above, this is wrongly used. You should write: constitute a lower proportion


Again, this is incorrect. Also, it should be "the second most", not "the most second"


Protein is the same. Its percentage is different.



make up the highest percentage


five nutritional compounds
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Toefl; Ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard [5]


overcome difficulties


this part is not necessary.



It is not clear how others help him achive a goal.



lunch


If you think both of these factors influence a person's performance, why did you just mention the impact of cooperation with others?

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 USA marriage and divorce rates [5]

You are welcome. Keep practicing and I hope to help you with your essay!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat - GRAPH [5]


There was a rise in the amount of chicken consumed while the other three experienced an opposite trend.


grams


lamb


Fish consumption was more stable


other types


On the contrary/In contrast

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 USA marriage and divorce rates [5]


the number of married and divorced couples


the majority of Americans were married in 1970 and 2000.


In my opinion, this is not the most remarkable feature of the chart so you could omit it from the overview paragraph.


people who never being married

Writing Feedback / Ielts - The Diagram shows the process of using water to produce electricity. [4]

In this kind of task, you should write an introduction to state what the diagram illustrate. Then you should provide an overview to describe its main trends.

Writing Feedback / If you succeed your past events you'll be able to experience the present at easy [4]

Hi, Ram! It would be better if you let us know what kind of test this is and what the full prompt of this essay is. I guess you are preparing for IELTS, right?


Don't use "you" in academic writing.


Why did you repeat this idea in your introduction?


I believe that

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 School Spending - Feedback [9]


I think you should use simple words rather than complex phrases when writing this kind of task. Keep it simple and clear.


No. I think teachers' salaries taking up the majority of total expenditure is the most noticeable feature of the chart and it needs to be stated in the "overall" paragraph. In the next paragraph, you could mention it again, but in a more detailed way with figures.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Some people think that no one should be allowed to work after the age [6]


improved significantly


retirement


I think this is a good essay and including your opinion in the introduction is a good idea as the prompt also asks for it!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 School Spending - Feedback [9]


The pie charts illustrate


Overall


Overall, teachers' salaries occupied the highest proportion of total expenditure in three given years. Likewise, there was a decrease in the percentage of spending on other staffs' wages and resources such as books.


It is obvious that


accounted for 20% of the school's expenditure

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Too much exercise is bad for one's health [4]


,


These are not necessary.


It has been claimed that excessive training can lead to several health problems such as...


prior to upcoming sporting events


which is usually harmful to their health.
Why do you just mention athletes in your essay? In my opinion, overtraining is also bad for those who are not professional.

Writing Feedback / Traffic congestion is becoming a huge problem for many major cities. Suggest some mea [3]

Hi Priya! It is better if you give us the full prompt of the essay. Also, if you are preparing for IELTS, your essay must contain at least 250 words. However, there are 222 words in the essay you posted.


and so on


I think "thanks to" sounds better in this case.
Your ideas are good!

Writing Feedback / It's not pointless to strive to keep traditional skills and life style alive. [4]

Hi, Alessia. What is the full prompt of this essay?


,


These sentences are not necessary. You don't have to add examples in the introduction. Keep it short and direct.

Writing Feedback / host country ought to support cultural difference; local customs and behaviour [5]


You should include the question of the prompt.


This sentence is off-topic.


Different nations have their unique customs, culture and way of life.


This is unnecessary.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task1:Table on consumer spending information in 5 countries on different item [7]

Yes. You should include the most important detail rather than listing every single detail in your essay :)

Writing Feedback / Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people [3]

As you are preparing for IELTS, you must write at least 250 words in this essay.


the Internet


every corner


You could start a new sentence from here. Also, the semicolon is wrongly used. It should be replaced by a comma.


the first important point


I think you should start each body paragraph with a reason why the Internet makes communication easier such as social network sites.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Once you are unique enough, you are already on the way to success. [3]


many different approaches


This sentence adds no value to your introduction.



As far as I'm concerned, don't use "you" in your academic writing. You could use "people" instead.


Also, avoid contraction in your essay.


Do you mean "a competitive world"?


I think "setting the trends" sounds better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]


This is an incomplete sentence. You could change it a bit, for example: Some people believe that people's development and individuality are more influenced by characteristics.


You could start a new sentence from "Similarly".



integrate into
Is this a discussion essay? If so, you should discuss each view in each body paragraph. However, I feel that your first body paragraph is a bit off-topic as it focuses on how upbringing and education rather than characteristics influence individuals.


Individuality


This is not clear. I don't quite get your point here.


You could start a sentence from "A".


You need to clarify these points on your body paragraphs.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]


You had better give us the question of this essay.


I think attitude is more like a state of mind than an innate ability.


This is grammatically incorrect.


People are often assessed by their manners.


Do you mean "traits"?


In my opinion, both characteristics and experiences play equally important roles in people's personality and growth.
I think you should revise your grammar as I can see many grammatical errors in your essay.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Competition instills confidence into the child's mind. [5]

Hi, Mohammad. What is the question of the prompt? If this is an argumentative essay, you should state another reason and give some examples to support it in body paragraph 2.


You followed the right structure but this is not clear and it is hard to follow your ideas.


Do you mean that both qualities are important to students? However, in the introduction, you only agree with the encouragement of a sense of competition.


students should be motivated to compete with each other

Writing Feedback / IELTS : ESSAY ON DESCRIPTIVE WRITING FOR GRAPHICAL DATA [4]


The line graph compares the amount of fish and three kinds of meat consumed in one European country over a 25-year period.


In 1979, fish was the least popular type of food with approximately 60 grams eaten per person per week. Then fish consumption remained constant for the rest of the period after a slight decline in 1984.


The most consumed meat at the beginning of the course was beef with consumption coming at 220 grams. This was followed by a fall by about 30 grams prior to resurgence to reach a peak of 220 grams in 1984.


However, the consumption of beef decreased dramatically the following years, finishing the period at 100 grams.


The amount of lamb eaten followed a similar pattern, falling by a half during 25 years.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - line graph (UNEMPLOYMENT RATES IN THE US AND JAPAN) [4]



In March 1993, about 7.0% of American workforce were unemployed whereas Japan recorded a considerably lower proportion of jobless people, at around 2.5%.


The following years saw the opposite trends of unemployment rates. While there was a gradual rise in the Japanese rate of unemployment from ... to..., the corresponding figure for the US dropped from ... to...

Writing Feedback / What are some other reasons than money, that people work? [5]


You had better paraphrase what the prompt says, for example: Some people cite money as the main incentive for their work.



I think effort is a better word.



work within a team


This part is not necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'fish and chips' - Consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers [3]


The given chart illustrates the consumption of pizza, fish and chips and hamburgers of Australian adolescents from 1975 to 2000.


This is not necessary.


In 1975, fish and chips was the most popular fast food which was eaten around 100 times per year.


After a reduction of about 20 times in 1985, fish and chips consumption then saw a moderate rise to nearly the 1975 level.




attain


After that,/Then


To sum up, there was an increase in the popularity of pizza and hamburgers whereas the amount of fish and chips eaten declined during the period.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [Proficiency exams ]Argument essay arguing in favour of or against advertising.. [4]

What is the full prompt of this essay?





people's thoughts


mislead them


Do you mean "inaccurate information"?



You have repeated this several times. You could use "This has led to"


focus on good features

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2-Some people think that travel helps gaining knowledge [3]


On the other hand


media


Therefore, geographical distance seems to be no more a hindrance in communicating people.

Writing Feedback / Popular events like the Football World Cup release patriotic emotions. [2]


What is the question of this topic? Is is a discussion or an argumentative essay?


athletes who represent their countries.