Undergraduate / Is it one's surroundings or one's history that creates their identity?- own topic [3]

I'm feeling the need for a little thesis statement added to the end of that brief first paragraph. What's it going to be? What is the sentence that captures the message of the essay. Tack it onto the end of that first para.

:-)

Even though I establish myself less with--Do you mean to say identify less?

Undergraduate / "The Butterfly Effect" - Common App - Personal Statement [4]


Pretty impressive writing, Nathan! How about taking out the unnecessary cliche above, though. Sometimes great writing can be made even better by weeding out some unhelpful phrases.

In the span of thirty seconds, by simply standing on an empty beach, my future may have been significantly altered. --Here is one more thing you should revise. You are an advanced writer, so I don't need to show you how to revise it, but the reason it needs revision is that is suggests your future was standing on the beach. Although that may be metaphorically true, it is a grammar gaff. So... revise so that it is YOU that does something, not your future.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Sporting Events: Outlet for a patriotic feeling or the way to reduce the tension? [3]

No one would deny that amongst games the Olympic ones are the most popular.---This sentence does not have an error, but it is a little too obvious and therefore should probably not be included.

For this amazing celebration nearly every country sends its promising athletes , so that they make their nations feel pride from them by demonstrating their best abilities .

This sentence does not need to be so complex. You can revise it to say: I have an impression that there is no boy from Brazil who does not either enjoy playing or watching football.

I have an impression that there is no boy, who neither enjoys playing football, nor watches it, especially IF his is a Brazilian offspring.

In some places, you capitalize letters unnecessarily! :-)

Writing Feedback / Factory farming food. Your opinion about what it's better to eat. [5]

Did you notice what Smitty was trying to do with the word qualitative? I think it might be unclear... Smity crossed out everything except the y, so it should be "quality." Great job, Smitty! I just wanted to clarify that.

You should not end with this sentence: Besides, products from factory are available all year round.---This should be a paragraph topic sentence, because it is a distinct idea. It should be the first sentence of a paragraph, and the rest of the paragraph should be used to explain what you mean. It should be the topic sentence of a body paragraph.

Also, I want to mention that "factory farming" is notorious for immoral treatment of animals. Therefore, the reader probably expects that you will include some mention of the morality of supporting factory farms. Look for a youtube video about a factory farm, and you will see what I mean.

:-)

Undergraduate / College Application Essay on Art Movement [4]

Yep. A lot of times, people do italicize but it does not show up when they paste it into EssayForum. Thanks for being a member! I hope you check out the Contributor Page because you could help a lot of people with their grammar and style.

Undergraduate / Summer Internship (interest in the medical field) at John Hopkins [3]


Well, that may be true in a sense, but if it happens that you find your own dreams have died, take heart! Broken-winged birds still can toddle around and peck at things with their beaks!

to obtain the ideal research and social experience.---This is not meaningful enough. Anyone could say this. I think you should end the first paragraph with a sentence that expresses your unique theme for the essay, the succinct idea the reader will be able to remember about you. This sentence must be distinct and memorable! :-)

If you start with that quote by Hughes, you need to continue a theme of not letting dreams die. What threatens your dream? Use the meaning of that quote... otherwise it will weaken the essay.

I had the honor of graduating from high school with summa cum laude and participating in Honor Society. (What should I add here?)---It sounds awkward to use the cliche "had the honor of" and then say "Honors Society" in the same sentence. What you add depends on your purpose. Your purpose should be to share one main idea that the reader will remember. All the facts you state should support and add up to one major idea the reader can appreciate and remember.

:-)

Graduate / Inspiration on becoming a Teacher (experiences academics/extracurricular activities) [2]

Look for places you can omit a word. That is like trimming weeds out of the garden:
personally thank her for her dedication to her profession.---You have to ask yourself if the sentence is better with 'personally' or without it, and personally I think it is better without it. ;-)

Again, ask yourself if the sentence is stronger with or without 'every day.' ----People ask me everyday what made me interested ----Also, if you do want to include 'every day,' include it as 2 words, not one.

As I continue to read, I see that you do write well! The great thing right now is that I think I know how to bring you to the next level with your skill. You should work on "tightening up" your writing style by revising out at least 10% or 20% of the words. That is how to build intensity:

As a student with the University of Arizona, I was provided with the opportunity to work had the opportunity to work ...-----Try to find ways to reduce the amount of words a reader needs to cognitively process. That is how to hit them hard with your meaning.

Here is another sentence that I think uses up too many of your words:
Creativity is a needed quality when it comes to teaching. ---I think you can express this idea in half the amount of words. Or, actually, the way I think you should work with this sentence is not to eliminate words but to add meaning. Try revising this sentence so that is expresses an idea that might give the reader a new insight... try revising the sentence so that it expresses a clever, unique insight into the importance of creativity in teaching.

And lets trim away some excess here, too:
I'm confident that if admitted to the University of Maryland's graduate program I will be successful -----For every phrase, ask yourself what it contributes to the experience you are trying to give the reader.

:-)

Scholarship / Creative idea about survive in the desert exchange scholarship [4]

However, on the way back, the Wicked Witch of the Waste West spotted your hot balloon and mercilessly knocked it down.

Here, let's keep the verb tense the same:
You would use your spell you learned from Oz. In no time, you would cast the spell, and what you would end up with would be an online WalMart catalogue, $200, and a transmitter that could only be used to order stuff from WalMart.

Then you knew would know how you could get out of the desert!

Okay, now that I keep reading, I realize that I was editing the essay question. My bad. It seems that you are supposed to write in a way that celebrates Wal-Mart's products. Choose three products, and give a paragraph about each product. Show that Wal-Mart products can help someone survive in the desert. This is a weird essay assignment! :-)

Scholarship / Social studies and the effect Mr.A had on me [2]

You need a pair of commas to separate thename:
Then it was time for my amazing teacher of four years, Mr. M, to transfer to another school.

Here is a sentence that needs a little revision: He began his career by threatening one of the kids, saying he would throw him out the window if he did not follow orders.----I fixed it!

He had reasons to punish students but his reason wasn't they were not justifiable.

Mr. A didn't have all bad traits, and keeping his promise was one of his best traits.

... though Mr. A have has told me ...

In On the other hand, they need to be ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "a combination of psychology and neuroscience" GWU supp - what influence me to apply [2]


Now you are ready to tighten up your writing. If you start with a reference to the hotness of the day, you should make that part of the theme of the paragraph. Don't leave any loose ends. You can use this imagery of a blistering hot day as a way of connecting emotionally with the reader. Share a moment. At the end of the first paragraph, now that you drew the reader into the scene a little, you can share a significant moment... you refer to being drenched in sweat, but what significance does that ultimately have?

Is the description of hot weather just arbitrary? You can use that imagery in some metaphor to make a point... but I don't know how... I think maybe it is best to get rid of the hotness theme and replace it with a theme that really captures your message to the reader.

I don't really know how to explain what I am thinking, so I'll just do a disorganized rant. I hope it gives you a good idea!!

Here goes...
You interest in psychology and neuroscience, that is where the essay becomes meaningful. The message you send the reader should be like this: I am choosing this school because I have put a lot of thought into it, and I know a lot of details about this school's program. In your essay, show the results of all your college research, and highlight your well-developed plan for the future -- do that by talking about common themes in the work of the professors of the school and the articles and books that you have been reading... Show that you are proactice about learning your chosen discipline and proactice about learning what the school has to offer. Do not waste any sentences like this I saw groups of friends walking around, laughing and enjoying themselves The essay will be strong if it is based on your serious plan for contributing to one or more fields of study.

:-)

Undergraduate / "interdisciplinary studies" - UNION COLLEGE SUPPLEMENT ESSAY [5]

Hi Ivan, this essay does not really reflect a vision for the future... your job here is to show the reader that you have carefully planned what you want to do, the goals you want to achieve. The way you explain "how Union's approach works for you" is going to reflect the quality of your plan. Someone with a detailed plan will talk about aspects of the Interdisciplinary Studies program that fit perfectly with the plan. You have to have some memorable theme for the essay. This is all too... general. Sorry to be critical!! :-)

Undergraduate / NYU- Diversity at its best, it opened my eyes to the ignorance that blinded me [6]

I have an opportunity to become well-rounded and extinguish the ignorance that surrounds me, one that will help me the field of business by helping me understand people better in business and also as a citizen.

Above, that is what I thought of when I saw your sentence. It is okay to have a comma, but the first part of the sentence did not really go with the second part of the sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Medicine, Center of Culture, George Carlin" NYU + "Heart to Heart" Commonapp [4]

studying vigorously on the human heart. --When you get to this part, it would be really helpful if you gave a sentence that told an example of a book, article, or online resource you have been reading. Back this assertion with evidence. Say you have been studying modern cardiac medicine, and then mention one or two articles/books you have been reading.

New York City is the most pronounced center----This essay does not seem to have much meaning. It has truisms. You should try to let this essay show that you have a carefully planned process with short term goals... explain why a globally connected school is important for someone with your unique plan.

That last essay, about bring Carlin to Bangladesh to cure his cynicism...it's brilliant!! Perfect.

Undergraduate / "I set up a Chinese club for American students" - Diversity [2]


Is a group of deer really called a flock? I would not be surprised if that was true, but ... well... I'll google it later.

I am not certain, but I sort of feel that you should omit the numbers from the intro. It is complicated enough without the numbers. It will still get a great effect, even without the numbers.

Ha ha, I am so happy I got to read this essay. You do not need any advice from me; your writing is already a masterful work of art. That is because you write in a way that reflects real emotion. When writing, a sculpture, a painting, or any other art can convey a feeling, it is high quality art.

Undergraduate / "Just Be Who You Are" - Villanova Teachings Prompt [2]

I'm sorry you did not get a response when you posted! Sometimes you can get a response in one day, but not always.


Wow, you are such a great writer. I like this part, and I really like that intro that ends with "and it hurt." You know, something about your writing style reminds me of the style of Leslie Marmon Silko. You should read her books!

:-)

College is a place where a student's personality and individuality may get lost due to the new and different people around .

You did a great job with a subject that is rather simple. I think you can add another concept to this, and it will still be something the reader can understand, because you explain the concept so well. But it is a story we have all heard before. If you ever want to revise this essay, I want to have you make it unique by introducing a concept that people have possibly never thought about before. Dig a little deeper, and share an insight that is difficult to explain.

Undergraduate / "interest towards engineering" - purdue university admission [2]

Engineering, according to me engineering is applying our knowledge of math and science to create a path for future.

Math and science have been known from ancient times. But why is it that all the growth has occurred only in the past 300 years? ----Look at how I fixed this sentence. You DO need a capital letter at the beginning of every sentence, but you do NOT need a period if you already have a question mark. And I added the word "it." That is a complex kind of sentence, but you did a good job! It just needed a small adjustment.

why not Begin with a capital letter: Why did people who existed thousands of years not develop as we did? did.?.

When you use dialogue, you need a capital letter to start that quoted sentence:
I then thought, "How about putting...

Always capitalize the word "I"----> I know that my idea is in a raw stage, but I want to see it as a finished product.

I am confident that my zeal and unending interest in engineering will help me ----I am confident, too! You are obviously a great thinker. I can't wait to ses what you create to improve this global village!

:-)

Scholarship / "International Club" - contribution to a community [2]

As president of the East High International Club, I have always promoted cultural diversity and acceptance. at East High. (No need to repeat the name of the school. Trim away details that will distract the reader from your message)

I have accomplished this by doing community service activities and participating in functions that promote diversity within our school. and by being positive role model to the rest of the student body.

I have been involved in many activities held by the club and I am a very active member of it. I participated in many community support events...---I got rid of some redundant parts. Let's put these 2 paragraphs together as one.

I involved myself in many other activities held my International Club does not make sense. Let's conclude with a look to the future... how will these eforts you have made prepare you for efforts you will make as an adult?

Great job, we are lucky to have people like you in America! You are making it a better place...

Undergraduate / "international affairs and gender studies" - Common App - Reasons for transferring [2]

One of my long-term goals is to pursue my passion for international affairs and gender studies throughout my career.---I don't think this is a goal. It is an interest. A goal is something you hope to change in the world. You would have a stronger intro if you really expressed a goal you want to achieve. The sentence can still tell the reader you want to get into into IR and gender studies, but it could express an interest in using these fields to achieve a pragmatic goal.

...and ensures individual approach to everyone, so that each student is...

...work for non-profit think tanks and intergovernmental organizations, such as ----I think this is the most important part of the essay. Read some articles about work being done in one of these organizations, and cite the article. The more recent the article, the better. That is a good way to impress the reader.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Describe a diagram that shows the enviromentl issues raised by a product [2]

Hi Ilaria!

I'll try to improve this... you should put all these sentences into one paragraph.

The diagram shows us the environmental emission increased from the production of an industry chain. We can see a different steps into the chain. Planning and designing the consumer goods is the first step. After that there is production of goods with the use of materials and energy resources. Consequently consumer goods are packaged and distributed to national and international stores. Consumers buy and use them, like white goods, computers, telephones, TV. Following that, a part of all this material will is discarded, and another part is recycled -- for example paper, glass, alluminum.

Finally the cycle restarts again. The life cycle of goods continues and it never stops!

:-)

Essays / The structure of an empowerment essay (a woman who lost children social services) [3]

Hi Donna,

The only way it will be a successful paper is if it covers the principles of empowerment as they are taught in your class. You have to just look at the readings, and make a list of all the methods they explain. Then, try to apply those methods in the case study.

Every paragraph should be a separate idea. If you look at the class readings and find 5 different methods for giving a feeling of empowerment to a client, you can write a paragraph about each. That will make 5 body paragraphs.

Make sure every para starts with a topic sentence that expresses the main idea (i.e. empowerment method) of the paragraph. Do you know what I mean? And every time you use a paragraph to explain a way you would empower that mother, you should cite the reading where you found it by putting the author's name in parentheses.

:-)

Let's see what you come up with!

Scholarship / "Arizona Academy Drum and Bugle Corps" - Gates Millenium, involvement [2]


I think is does, Rachel! This is pretty strong.

Below, I'll cut a sentence that is made unnecessary by the sentences that follow it:
I was able to practice my leadership skills and my time management as the head of the tuba section in the Mayfield High School Trojan Marching Band. As a section leader, I am at all times a model for how the rest of my section should behave. While I lead by example, I also must control scheduling in my section, reinforce rules and directions, and create specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely goals for the section. --Very impressive writing here.

I was so determined to make the Arizona Academy Drum and Bugle Corps that I began planning...

...character allowed enabled me to me to stick to my diet, exercise, and practicing practice routines for nearly a year and two fourteen months.

Above, I just did a little work to simplify the writing. Sometimes it is good to cut small details and make the whole sentence stronger.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my love and passion for horses" - Statement of purpose - SCAD - Equestrian Studies [4]

As a child, I had an uncle who was a Standardbred jockey in Maryland. On the weekends, my father and I would ...

By doing this, I believe it has given me a found greater...

Spelling: privileged

:-)

Undergraduate / "the effect of music on the human psychology" - St. Olaf Essay [2]

It is good to use various instead of different:
...to explore the different various types of reactions that ...

Be bold:
I like to believe that t There is more to music than just its physical (reactions) is reactions the right word here? I think you mean to refer to 'physical effects on the person.'

...endeavor to answer what musical aspects have a bearing on humanity. ---all this is very abstract and philosophical. How about balancing it with some pragmatic goals? Goals related to intercultural tolerance, for example.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Liber's company mission and financial problems" GRE argument analysis. [4]

This letter advises Liber Publishing Company 's president to publish only the works of regional small town authors...

I'll move a comma here:
Many companies start with limited missions, and when they succeed and expand they change their missions, so possibly the company changed...

Do not capitalize unless it is the first word of a sentence:
Third, What what is the evidence that publishing only the work of small-town authors would solve the financial problems , and what is the evidence that the financial problems are caused by the company's selection of novels? Many market causes could be involved.

:-)

Graduate / Applying to Graduate School for Speech-Language Pathology Statement [2]

My experience with Coming from a family with a nonverbal cousin with suffering autism, the processes of...

... therefore determined to receive the education I need to be able to treat individuals with speech, language, and communication disorders.----awesome, by the end of the first paragraph I already believe that you are a person with real energy to give.

focused student who never seizes (no! Look up the correct word!) to challenge myself.

... who strives to do my best.---No, you do not strive to do your best. People who have no cause strive to do their best. People with a cause strive to promote their cause.

I am knowledgeable about the many aspects of this profession. ---I'll keep reading and see if you support this assertion.

shows how important the education in this field is.--Okay, that is pretty good...

My desire to learn all that I can and experience all that I can is possible at St. John's University.---This is just not specific enough. You have a lot of potential because of your great writing style, but I think you are able to get more specific and powerful with the theme. :-)

Undergraduate / "I wanted to major in Computer Science" - why to apply to Harvey Mudd College? [4]

Wow, awesome idea!! I can tell it might be disturbing to teachers, because they are supposed to work for good relations no matter what, so the promise of the organization may undermine the ideas of teachers who like to think they are already building good relations.

I'm sorry I did not see this in time to help with your transition; I hope you were successful with this essay!

:-)

This essay lacks structure. It needs a thesis statement that explains the main idea, and then it needs PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES to show how each paragraph supports the thesis.

Undergraduate / [Site Council] - Common App Short Essay [3]


This sentence has no action, no interest, no intrigue. It is good info, well written, but it should not be the first sentence of an essay. Let's add a sentence before this one!

I enjoy being able to express my concerns and to see the impact site council has on the school. obviously.

Okay, I challenge you to express the meaning of this essay in a single sentence. In a single sentence, you should let the reader know that you were part of the Council, that you made this suggestion, what people thought of it, and what it means to you (hint: If I really had to, I could give all that info in under 20 words)

Brevity = intensity. Express the truth of this essay in a single sentence, and you will be able to give a few more awesome sentences to make it more meaningful.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a business tradition" + "Singapore CAMP" - UIUC Essay 1 & 2: College of Business [3]

Keep that verb tense the same:
As I delve deeply into the subject, I found find ...


I don't understand this part. Maybe you can add another sentence of explanation to make sure the reader understands.

The program consists of a 3 to 5 days trip to a specific campsite, in which there will be a planned schedule of activities such as Cut out all this wordy explanation. The reader does not need the details.

Keep this good stuff: Paintball, High Rope Course, Rock Climbing, Abseiling, Team Building Activities and Rafting.Through these activities, I was able to discover my own potential, overcome own fears and hesitations, mastering orientation skills as well as learning to take risks, inspire, contribute and work together as a group. Replace this generic-sounding observation by sharing an original insight, some idea that you have your own cool way of explaining.

:-)

Undergraduate / Selling what but saris! - Princeton essay [3]


Ha ha, wow, your writing gets better and better. I had to stop at the end of the first para to tell you it carried my attention along... your great style.

Wondrously uplifted, I tried not to try too hard, and hence initiated began to manage the saris in whatever way I can on could in the short length of my table...

Hence instead of showing them all the saris I consciously focused their attention and (fob ??)them off with ...

Here is a good word I recommend for you:
...right way to go about attacking a problem ...

Undergraduate / "a trash mountain; the Philippines" -Comments on my Common App Short Answe [3]

...I rolled up my sleeves; not only to free myself from a blazing sun, but also to be comfortable for the rigid work that I will would face.

The intro is great, but I suggest killing this sentence: However, as I sensed the voices of dwellers, an obnoxious smell of methane, and people searching for booty, I then realized that I was only in the tip of neighborhood. It is so confusing! Kill that sentence, replace it with something rhythmic and clear, and I think the whole essay will be better.

:-)

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: zoos should be built to protect rural animals, do you agree? [3]

This is so excellent. The grammar is great, and the style of writing is rhythmic and clear... I think you should be confident. But the essay is simplistic in its meaning. Because you write so well, i challenge you to go to the next level of skill and write an essay that makes a specific suggestion. Maybe you can suggest legislation to regulate zoos, or maybe you can argue in some other way that will be ARGUABLE. The way to make a good essay is to write something that not everyone would agree with.

:-)

Undergraduate / Window into the gym - Williams Supplement [3]


I think they worded their question in kind of an awkward way, here, but you answered it well.

I think your first sentence is too informative. You should begin with a sentence full of action verbs and imagery... cool words. Get the reader settled in before giving a lot of information.

And while you are at it, check to see if you gave any info the reader does not need in order to catch the meaning. For example, I don't think you even need to give the name of the gymnasium to cnvey your meaning, so it is an unnecessary distraction. :-)

Undergraduate / Joining the school band- significant experience (common app essay) [2]

You write so well... the problem here is that they made you jump through their hoop, write about their topic, and that made it so that you had to write in a way you would not ordinarily write. You have passion about the guitar, but you would not naturally write about that day when the band director visited... of course that day was a milestone, but that does not make the first paragraph of your essay interesting. That first paragraph is boring. So I think you should BEGIN by saying the day you were introduced to guitar was a significant experience, and then proceed to make a whole essay all about the difficult-to-describe feeling of fulfillment that comes with that guitar trance...

:-)
Make it so that the answer to their question is given in the intro and then you write with passion, write freely, and if you have already answered their question in the intro it is okay to let yourself write the way YOU want to write about guitar.

Undergraduate / "implementing statistics" - Mac Hs - Research area that should be funded [4]


You have the right idea about false stats, but this part is not quite right. It would not matter if they already had white teeth, because you describe a survey about whether people say the product whitens teeth. A better example would be if you mentions "participant bias" and suggest that they might survey only customers who have expressed satisfaction.

You gave an intelligent answer, but I think you know they are asking for a discussion of a specific area of research, such as the space program. Many people think we should have no space program because children are starving elsewhere in the world...

Others do not like global warming research, stem cell research... the list is long... Google around about controversial research funding.

What you wrote about here is just a desire to pull funding from studies with a weak design. Not only statistics, but many other studies, including experimental studies, can have flawed designs. We are looking for a research topic that should not be funded.

Undergraduate / Most Influential person,my younger brother, Common App long [4]

Hi Prateek, I'm really sorry I did not get to help before you submitted. We have SO many essays this time of year, and only so many mods and contributors...

The good news is that this essay has something special about it... I like your unconventional use of parenthesis and exclamation points, very cool.

That's why I need to satisfy most of the people by...

His treatment is just consists of physiotherapy, speech therapy, special education and just a lot of care and love.

Let's write four instead of 4:
he is 4 four years younger to me, but he has done all that to me what been all that an elder brother could have been and done things even an elder brother could not have done; he is the greatest ...

:-)

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Oh, I think what you mean is that you want to make sure you can still show that you were the original author. Was someone trying to steal your work? If you are having some problem like that you should tell me and I'll try to help.

But when your thread is deleted, it is completely gone. It does not exist anymore. I hope I did not accidentally delete something of yours! Your participation is always good, high quality contributions.

Undergraduate / "chronological order your activities" - Smith, Bryn Mawr, and Middlebury [3]

Thru Through the spring ...

... among the shelved philosophers of Borders Bookstore.--ha ha, excellent writing here. I like it. But did you spell sited/sighted correctly?

Brooding on a constant basis appeared as the solitary activity I

... the next 4 four months.

your writing is surely going to impress them. One idea I can give you is this: Try to write a sentence that captures the main idea of the whole essay. That is a good sentence to add to the end of the first paragraph. If you can express the message of the essay in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph, it will be like an anchor that keeps the whole thing secure in the reader's mind.

Undergraduate / How AUBG education will broaden your global perspective and cultivate your capacity [4]


Don't worry; my job here is to scrutinize! Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

:-)

Undergraduate / Common application - "my passion for economics" (topic 6) [5]

It's better to trim away the extra words:
I became curious about business and economics. I still am.

Turned out (This is not quite correct) Just start it this way: Many of them actually ...

You did a great job with this. When I began reading, my attention was divided, but then I became so interested that I had to really slow down and enjoy all of it. I guess, if you need to cut some, you will have to choose the least important sentence from each paragraph and kill it. Kill them mercilessly; you write well, but brevity and efficiency are important, too. I got the job. Some sentences are meaningful to you but not to the reader; revise according to the way the reader will feel every step of the way.

:-)

Undergraduate / "education and community" Why Columbia Short Answer Essay [3]

I consider both education and community to be the primary criteria in determining my ideal university---These 2 are too simple. I think each noun needs an adjective to make your intro distinct:

I consider both (adjective) education and (adjective) community to be...--Do you know what I mean? You should sharpen up the presentation by letting this sentence carry the general meaning that is to follow. What type of education is the type you want? (i.e. it should reflect your plans and interests pertaining to your chosen field.)

the primary criteria in determining my ideal university; in my opinion... All this is gobbledegook. It does not actually say anything about your vision for the future, your specific purpose that motivates you.

and it is through our heated discussions that I am able to develop completely new perspectives on certain issues.----Certain issues. You should not be vague. You should be specific and bold as you explain your plan.

:-)