Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]


could this possibly be true? I thought the sun was something like 90 million miles away. If that statement above is true, it means the sun is 100,000 light years away. I definitely am not qualified to argue about this subject, but it is worth checking to make sure the info is accurate...

The main point of the quote is that what makes something beautiful is invisible, and I don't think you covered that concept enough in the essay.

Here is my favorite quote:


That quote is cool because of the implications for our arguments about the Origin of Everything.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Hist heart and chest" - UVA- Describe your Favourite Place [3]


I don't like "for a reason for"...
And I don't like the word "longed." It is melodramatic!

Wow, great ending. Yes, you took a unique approach, and I think it is awesome. I just hope the AO reader appreciates good writing!

I think a few times you repeat the same idea twice. So... add another little theme... add another concept pertaining to what it means to "get lost" in someone's embrace. Add another concept, and eliminate any redundancy. :-)

Undergraduate / Alfred Reed's Russian Christmas Music challenged me UVA- College of Arts and Sciences [4]

Great description here, Nathan. I kept googling to see if you had copied this from a professional review... sorry I doubted you, but it was because you write so well!

My only concern is that the reader will not appreciate this because they will think you reused an essay about a different topic. This seems like a re-used essay, but you can make it perfect for the prompt by adding more analysis of how it made you feel... not a description of what happens, but how it actually makes you feel. And make sure it is about the piece of music, not about the process of performing it. Attack that prompt by explaining how you felt, every step of the way during the piece.

Undergraduate / "Learning to relax is a challenge" - Arts and Sciences, University of Virginia [4]

...ill over the need to achieve perfection. being perfect. It is the need, not being perfect, that does the action in this sentence. IF you see why I revised it that way, you can do it a different way that is more consistent with your own style of writing... like, you can do this:

ill over the ideal of perfection. being perfect.
As Nina's sanity slowly vanished, I became more unsettled by the effect perfection had on her.--Again, it is not perfection that had an effect; it is her thought pattern. It is her fixation.

If reaching perfection causes one to lose all self control than is that really perfection?---awesome... good call.
This essay needs some more examples of the ways you acted like a perfectionist, because that is what makes the connection between you and the character and also what makes possible the emotional content of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "pleasant location and diversified community" - how you became interested in BU. [6]

for its pleasant location in the heart of the city. ---This does not accomplish any thing. I mean, specifying this does not accomplish anything.
When a BU representative visited our school, I eagerly attended the presentation because I needed to further educate myself on BU.----This answers the question but does not do anything for you... does not improve the impression you are making.

After the presentation, I had a chat with the BU representative whom I regarded to be a valuable source of information and he encouraged me---Take all these unhelpful sentences out and replace them with sentences that reflect your focused, methodical approach, your process of carrying out a plan based on your vision for the future.

many fulfilling career opportunities, such as a crime scene investigator or ---I think it is weak to say "such as xxxxx and YYYYY." It is stronger if you boldly state your intentions,your short term goals.

Your essay of 500 words should have 5 paragraphs. That is not a rule, but it is what I recommend because a good paragraph can be 100 words, and you have an opportunity here to write that powerful, classic five paragraph essay with intro, 3 body paragraphs, and conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / "annual Youth and Government conference" - Common app essay-Y&G [3]

Try to find creative ways to express the same meaning in fewer words:
It looked as if it were like a scene taken out of from a horror film. ----By doing this, you increase the intensity of the sentence.

...will be flying to Sacramento a day early this year as a soon as committee chair.

This is a great accomplishment. You should extract the meaning and share it with the reader. Try to capture the message of the whole essay and add it as a single sentence tacked onto the first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Never follow the same pathway all throughout college" - Boston University(BU) [3]

Let's try to avoid "as well as"... it is an inefficient use of words, a cliche, and... it makes sentences awkward:
College is a time for new and exciting experiences as well as a time to explore diverse and innovative ideas. If given the opportunity to attend BU, I would love to explore the field of research {name research interest here} as well as further develop my love for the and improve my knowledge of Spanish language and culture by studying abroad.

As a nationally and internationally renowned research institution, Boston University offers an impressive number and range of opportunities for undergrads. They know that already. Tell how your reasons for choosing BU reflect your detailed plan and clear short term goals. Show that you are choosing BU because it is an important part of your plan.

If given the opportunity (You already said given the opportunity earlier in the essay) to attend Boston University, my life will be enriched by extensive research and study abroad programs, cultural diversity, and by the city of Boston alone .

:-) Good luck! I bet you will do well, because you do seem to have a strong plan for the future.

Undergraduate / Analyze stocks + Economics + Never_give_up + China + away from parents - MIT Essays [5]


Boring!

Let's infuse the first sentence with meaning:
Economics absolutely fascinates me. The different various complex models, the logical thinking, the and tricky math problems of economic theory opened my eyes to a whole new world. Studying at ...

MIT Department of Economics has the best faculty in the world, including Nobel Prize winner Peter A. Diamond.---They already know this. Instead of naming him, refer to some part of your interest that is related to his interest as reflected in articles he has written.

sure some day my dream will come true.---I like the second essay a lot! And I like your use of the word tricky in the first essay... very memorable and cool.

Undergraduate / "a late motivated bloomer" - common app essay Boys State [4]

Your writing style is very clear and efficient. The biggest probglem I notice is that unnecessary self-degradation in the intro. Why mention being a late "bloomer," whatever that is. Just like everyone, you gradually turned your attention to the challenges that inspire you. No need to call yourself a couch potato.

The theme of this essay is taking risks to achieve goals, and the way we can rise to an occasion. That theme does not require a distracting confession about a couch potato past.

To make this essay excellent, condense the whole thing and then use it as a "jumping off point" as you delve into the symbolic meaning of this experience, the new skill you learned by having to muster the necessary gusto to overcome nervousness, and the implications for your career.

:-)

Undergraduate / Health Science and Space exploration Paragraph- area of research study [3]

At this part, you can be a little clearer by adding a word:
Does our fascination with space outweigh the importance of life-threatening diseases that face us today? ---i.e. the fascination is weighed against the importance.

At the end you make a lot of weak arguments:

No human has yet stepped on the bottom of the ocean,--yes we have

The Space should be left as a mystery to mankind, a place of marvel and admiration. ----Forever?

...we should let our imagine imagination do the job and appreciate the wonders of the great universe.---it's not necessary to say things like this. Focus on the fact that it is irresponsible to spend billions on a space program when we have so many hungry people in the world.

Even though arguments, you have a strong premise. Mankind should attend to the suffering before getting all fancy! :-)

Undergraduate / Writing poems + Biological Engineering + Hardship + Students' attention - MIT Essays [4]

I can't find many errors! You have some great ideas.
Here are a few corrections:
...realize my whole life is about finding what learning style that works for me. Born with a severely distorted arm, I was considered to be useless by the others, but I didn't give ...

Having a short-term memory issues, I hardly catch up with my ...

... to smile even when everybody laughed laughs at my body and to turn

After teaching the students from a public school, I found that the hardest challenge in helping the others is to get their attention. ---Well said!! I agree...

Scholarship / A topic that intellectually excites you about 'speciesism' - Scholarship essay [10]

It seems like a great one for that topic. I recommend using the word issue somewhere in the essay to show clearly how you are answering the prompt. That is not entirely necessary, but it is sometimes a good idea. It important to name the issue explicitly.

Undergraduate / "a lifetime to learn who you are as a person": Vires, Artes, Mortes [3]

The intrinsic worth of Vires, Artes, and Mores all appears at a point in one's life, but the impacts that each chooses to take are what guide one to their peak of individualism. ----the rest of this sentence has to somehow be about the fact that it 'intrinsic' value. You introduced the idea of it being intrinsic, so it is important to make sure you stay focused and don't introduce a lot of different ideas in that sentence.

You have a great vocabulary, but it is important, throughout the essay, to try to limit the number of different concepts you introduce, or the writing becomes very abstract.

in reality, I created the skill of improvisation.

It is just like when you prune a tree. All of the tree is beautiful, but some of it needs to be trimmed away:
but in reality, I created the skill of improvisation. Our bodies are our instruments of art. Improvisation is a way of self-expression that is not only carried out in my Horton modern dance class but in several different aspects. In a dim lighted room, I begin to dance ...---After writing, cut out as many sentences as you can. Leave only the cool ones, the ones that really affect the reader. :-)

Undergraduate / The subway in Paris- Brown Supplement [5]

You did not analyze the experience enough. This is some great description, and I can totally relate to the intensity of that kind of experience, but the analysis is just not there. I see about 10 pieces of information you did not have to include... just random details that do not affect the reader in any way... and you can omit those to make room for sentences that speculate about the ability to suspend one's anxiety and act in a methodical way... about the implications of this intense experience for your future... the insight it gives you about human nature, about your own strengths and interests. Use the experience as a STARTING POINT, not as the main focus of the essay.

And do not take my criticism too seriously! The essay does already reflect intelligence and great writing skill.

Grammar, Usage / "The" - quick question on capitalization [6]

This is an interesting question that comes up for all of us at times. The first example I think of is the United Nations. I am pretty sure I do not need to capitalize "The." It is actually called the United Nations Organization (UNO), but that still does not help me figure out whether to capitalize "the." I am pretty sure I do not have to capitalize it, though.

Language is not perfect. :-)

Undergraduate / "Washington, New York, and Boston cities" - BU supplement and short answer [3]

Why did you put campus in " " marks?

...studying abroad in a country I have never visited such as New Zealand, continuing my volunteer work, obtaining degrees in neuroscience and psychology, and doing research within the Alzheimer's Disease Center. ---all these are very general. There needs to be something in your essay that takes the reader very deep in thought about a particular topic. That is what essays are all about.

Take "Self-Reliance," for example. Emerson's essay is significant because of the insight he gives about that single topic.

In your essay, you give a lot of information, but you do not artfully explore a topic. When you write, try to use a concept/theme that unites all the ideas. That is the difference between an essay and a list of ideas.

Do you know what I mean? For example, trying new places to eat should not be included, nor should 'relax at the beach,' and you should not include the fact that it is in a city, either, because it is not the only college in a city. You should show how YOUR plan and the unique resources at this school are perfect for each other. This requires you to express a lot of specific ideas that have developed as part of your plan. I don't even really know, after reading this, why you chose the 2 majors you chose.

:-)

Faq, Help / Why is my topic / thread deleted? [78]

Thanks, everyone, for contributing to this thread so that other users will know they need to WATCH OUT!!! :-) You get scrutinized here, just like in school.

In many forums, it is okay to give threads any title you want, but at EssayForum we have to demand some professionalism because that is part of the value we create with this kind of site. Thread titles should have descriptive words, and they should not be written in all capital letters as a way of getting noticed. When people do that, we have to go through a long, tedious process of editing all the inappropriate thread titles.

Undergraduate / "My cousin" - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? [9]


Not specific enough. I really could not find room to criticize your excellent first essay, but in this second one you get a weak start by being so vague. Those adjectives are the kind used by people who have not thought enough about law to have a well-developed philosophy about it...

Aw i continue to read that second essay, I don't see any substance. You should mention the articles and books you have read as the result of your interest, and you should mention your own opinions... the values you will stand for as a practitioner of law and IR. Show what you are all about. :-)

Undergraduate / "South Africa" - Rice Perspective essay [3]

marinating ---Nice!! Great idea...

what seemed like an eternity--This is a cliche, so it is great if you can say it in an original way.

had not slept in forty eight hours.---At this point, you leave the reader reflecting for a moment... wondering what will be the theme of the essay. Many people use a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph and have it express the message/theme, but you did not do that. If you choose not to do a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, I think you should do it as the first sentence of paragraph 2.

As I continue to read, I am impressed by your writing, ad the AO reader also will be, but I think you need to anchor this essay in the reader's mind by adding a thesis statement.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Being on Varsity Song" - activity Common app short answer [3]

Let's keep this parallel by using the same word, when, both times:
...is that if when you are five minutes early, you are on time and when you are on time, you are late.

Too much focus on punctuality. It is a great essay, because it is so focused, but you do have the option to add an element other than professionalism. Professionalism is part of it, but so are emotional self-regulation, communication, and the ability to muster up energy to share with others.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App: Tasting the Sauce (Personal Essay) [4]


No, no, not permeating through... it should just be permeating, no "through"

And actually, permeate almost seems wring, because it implies a kind of penetration... like permeating an amoeba's ... like... membrane, or whatever...

Okay, all this stuff at the beginning should be cut and replaces with one awesome, inspired sentence. ----> In the 4th grade my parents rather abruptly told....when we went on vacation - the idea that I was going to be living in another country confused me deeply and played with my emotions. All of that. I really like the next sentence, though, about the compromise of your comfort zone. That is clever. Now go back and re-explain the part about having to move, and do it with finesse ... do not explain every detail, but instead let the reader figure some things out on her own.

you are a good writer: I cannot simply hide behind a giant fluffy wall of comfort.
:-)

Undergraduate / "why engineering? pride for myself" questions for Brown [3]

When I read 1.) it makes me think of Bloom's Taxonomy. You should google that, and you'll see how theory explains people needing to go through stages of knowledge, application, understanding, synthesis, evaluation, and so forth. You first have to have knowledge, then you can understand/comprehend, then apply, and after all that finally you can synthesize, which is what engineers do.

That would be a cool thing to cite...

The second one is really good... and the third seems a bit superficial... like maybe you should add a few sentences of analysis. That experience with the phone is only meaningful because of what it represents, so dig deeper and explain the appreciation you have for this kind of work.

:-)

Undergraduate / "duty as a stock manager" - working skills, experience, Syracuse Supplement question [5]

...several jobs I would attend hold during high-school.

...the underling underlying structure of many ...

It's not cool to say last but not least... unoriginal stuff is not cool. :-)

The ending is a little weak. At the end you should refer back to something you said in the intro, something memorable from the intro., I really enjoyed the seriousness of the intro, and that phrase "opened my eyes" stuck with me. Refer to that at the end! :-) And don't bump threads; drive traffic to them by helping a lot of people and asking them to return the favor.

Undergraduate / "Changing my education system" - MIT: Significant Challenge [8]

In grade 8, I moved from the Egyptian education system to the British system. There was a huge difference between both systems. ---This uses too many words to say something simple:

In grade 8, I moved from the Egyptian education system to the British system and found myself completely disoriented. There was a huge difference between both systems... --All this detail is unnecessary. That is why the essay lacks power. Take out these nonessential details, and focus on the MEANING of this essay, the LESSON it teaches. :-)

Undergraduate / "the best school to pronounce" - Yale Supplementary Questions [7]


Weird! You know.. I heard about methods used in Chinese medicine to actually increase the flexibility of the muscles of the tongue, so that it can stretch forward more... I don't know enough to talk intelligently about it, though...

Wow, I think it is very clever to make that joke... Immediately after making the joke, though, I think you should tell the real reason. Tell them, "Even though I like to joke about that as my motivation to apply, the real appeal comes from (name of profesor whose journal articles have been meaningful for you or whose research is closely aligned with your interests). ---That is a good way to do it. :-)

Undergraduate / Princeton Favorite: book, website, recording, inspiration, quote, movie, friend, word [3]

No, I think this is an admission thing. I have seen admission questions that ask about this stuff. Adam, are you allowed to write a certain number of characters for each question? Your answers are great, but if other applicants write little mini essays about each response, you will have a disadvantage with these brief responses.

:-) See if you are allowed to write a few brilliant sentences for each of these!

Undergraduate / Bungee Jumping - UC App [3]

Noneed to capitalize here:
"Three, two, one... Go go!" I was hesitant. The vibrant ...

If this was a novel, I would expect that the purpose of naming the girl would be to introduce her because she would be playing a role later in the story... but in this case, I think telling her name is an unnecessary, distracting detail:

Next was a Korean girl who, had previously introduced herself as Hye Jin to me. In in contrast to my brother, faltered with every ...

This experience makes me proud in that I was able to take a chance. ---You cannot make bunjee jumping the main focus of the essay! Only if very few people ever bunjee jumped could you get away with making that the theme. It is a common activity, so the role it should play is to transmit a feeling of a leap of faith, and then share an idea with the reader pertaining to a similar feeling as you leap into your chosen professional field. The bunjee jumping should be symbolic of the real meaning of the essay. The way to make the most of this is to tell about bunjee jumping as a way of sharing how you feel about a particular field you want to enter. Do that, and your essay will be distinct, and your reader will be fascinated.

:-)

Undergraduate / BOOKS: Discuss your favorite place to get lost: UVA Supplement [5]

...have learned that the imagination gives one the chance to test the limits of his her endurance.---Let's use the female pronoun to make up for centuries of overusing the male pronoun. Also, I got rid of "the" before imagination; do you like it that way?

Okay, and now let's look at the rest of the sentence:
Although many people my age refuse to encourage their imaginations-believing that such behavior is childish- and use television or movies to entertain themselves , I have learned that the imagination gives one the chance to test the limits of his endurance.

:-) Nice! Google this: imagery words.
Add some to the essay. Draw the reader in with imagery words and action verbs.

Undergraduate / "Thank You," was all the boy had said. - a significant experience [3]

Use a comma to help you regulate this long, compound sentence:
My friend was standing there with eyes wide and mouth hanging, and the ...

After I handed him the teddy bear, that's when it all happened -- the whispered gratitude, the shocked faces, the hanging mouths, and the confusion. The father then looked at his son and back at me and did this for a couple of seconds until finally saying that his son has autism and hasn't spoken in months. Those were the first ones he had heard in over a year now.

I was astonished; now it was my turn to have my mouth hanging open. I couldn't believe my ears. Was this really true? All these questions went through my head and I just stared at the little boy more intriguingly.

I started to do some research on my own, on autism itself and on how the brain's structure and function relate to specific psychological processes and behaviors. I was really fascinated by what I was reading and wanted to further pursue my interests. I knew I could better enhance by knowledge if I actually observed someone with autism; so, as of that day, I have been visiting the boy and occasionally babysitting him. He has helped me grasp and understand the concept of autism more efficiently. I continue to enjoy my visits with him and help him adapt to the environment.

Ever since that moment, I have had my heart set on becoming a neuropsychologist. Being able to spend time with the boy has really helped me decide what kind of future I want to make for myself. Every time I go and spend time with the little boy, I am slowly preparing myself for my future and this makes me confident that I can achieve my dream.

Undergraduate / "waving guy" - Person who influenced you [8]

At first I was amused by the subtle eccentricity of his consistent waving.---You have some very well-written sentences, like this one...

Also, what kind of jogger waves to cars? ---ha ha, very cool...

However, I soon began to appreciate his simple gesture when I realized that it takes confidence to greet strangers, albeit strangers in cars.---or drunkenness. :-)

You did great. Let's just look back at the part about the Prius. I think that part needs one or two more words description, or better yet, imagery words.

Google that: imagery words

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: Prospect of Discovery/Diversity/Male Dancer [3]


I think you meant to type relation instead of relevance. I guess it is true that potential for breakthroughs is high due to the newness, but is it really that new? Maybe it is new as a scientific discipline, but actually it has always been around...

beyond the walls of the conformity into which I have grown. into .

Awesome, I really like the one about your grandfather. Good choice... I wonder if you could come up with a sentence that speculates about whether this is what HE would most like to do while visiting with you. I bet it is indeed what he would like to do; but if you give a sentence that considers his thought process, it will take you deeper into the writing (or revision, in this case, if you are still working on these little essays.) Good luck, you are great!

:-)

Graduate / "The physical and chemical properties" - Apply for Materials Science and Engineering [5]

Is an apostrophe supposed to be included in this last term?----> and materials' property characterization.---Are you trying to show posession? If so, use that apostrophe. :-)

to study in a multi-disciplined environment.---You made a good explanation for the integrated approach you need...

... and I would love to try my best to be part of your research program.---This ending is weak. It does not really mean anything. If I was applying to a program I was really excited about, I would have specific ideas about how I would contribute... instead of just saying 'I would love to try to be part of ...'

This essay proves your intelligence and also your knowledge and preparedness for the program. The only thing it is missing is a theme. It does not have a spokesperson, a logo... it does not have that little element that makes it totally unique and memorable. The intro and conclusion paragraphs are not very long, and they are the paragraphs where you can add this interesting theme that helps the reader make sense of your message (and enjoy the essay). :-)

Writing Feedback / "to fund the building of affordable housing for students" - GRE Arguments [3]

I can't remember how the rating system works... It was explained to me, but I forgot the criteria for each number...

I want to point out that the end of the first paragraph should have one more sentence added to it. Make it a sentence that mentions not just the lack of citations of precedents but also the other important points you make.

You did very well. The first thing I noticed was that it was impossible to know how much income would be generated, so you are correct to call for the citation of research or precedents.

To get a good score, do not just analyze the whole statement with your whole essay. Instead, use paragraoh to scrutinize each sentence of the speaker. Tackle the statements made by the speaker one at a time, and invest a paragraph in each.

:-)

Undergraduate / Texas Tech: my mom practices what she preaches and she has made an impact on my life [2]

This event put a strain on every relationship but especially my relationship with my mother.

She is my hero, savior, best friend, conscience and so much more. ---You have this at the end of the first paragraph, and it makes me reflect on the fact that you are expressing appreciation for your mother, but all these nouns you string together with 'and so much more' makes is nonspecific. It makes it so that there is no memorable theme for the essay.

The writing of an essay is all about one big idea that is so important that it deserves to have a whole essay written about it. If you have a lot of ideas, it is not so powerful. I think this is a great tribute to your mother, but I challenge you to add a theme to the first and last paragraphs... a memorable idea that you want the reader to think about. One unique, awesome idea. :-)

Speeches / If I Were the Leader of the Free World (Speech) - Suggestions? [3]

Whenever you find yourself using 'there is' or 'there are' try to revise them out and see if the sentence improves:
There are Many issues in modern-day society that are given much attention and obviously need to be addressed, but there is a specific one that impacts people's lives globally is cancer.

This is a little more efficient for the intro. Yet, I still have a little problem with it because it implies that cancer is the only one that affects people globally.

Those two, simple syllables send terrified patients spiraling toward a vat of untested, unproven information, half-baked treatments, and empty promises.----wow, you are the poet type... :- very good writing here.

Use a comma here to manage this sentence. And if you are giving the speech, a pause helps to manage the sentence.
She is completely bald, and she ...

Great poignancy and variation of sentence length---> It's like a plane crash.

Different things can cause it, like lack of fuel or an engine failing, but whatever causes it, it always has the same result. ---- My understanding is that it is when something goes haywire dring the process called cell division.

One tough thing about this essay is that all the same stuff could be said about any terminal illness, not just cancer. It is very informative, and it keeps my attention, but is it really what the assignment is looking for? If I had to write about what I would do as a world leader, I would write about many issues, not just one.

For you, I recommend a documentary called "Food Matters." It has some interesting stuff about nutritional therapy for cancer, especially vitamin c.

Undergraduate / "The Power of Passion" - Common Application [6]

That last sentence is very hard to read! I think it should be simplified, even though I like the little trick it plays on my mind. You'll be a good negotiator, because you can hypnotize people with your complex sentences. :-) But let's go back to that concept, passion. You introduced it, but you did not try to actually explain it. We can only explain things according to our subjective experience, so based on your experiences of these things you are passionate about, how can you explain passion? Why are we all passionate about different things? What determines passion and what does it mean and how can you best manage your passion and harness its energy? More analysis of the concept... that is what is necessary.

Remember, the purpose of a composition like this is to make it possible to share one profound idea that cannot be explained in just a sentence or two. Make this all about a concept, and dive into that concept.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My second family NHS" - University of Michigan [3]

'no family' is not the best way to write that last part.
I may have only two real siblings, but because of this group, this family, I feel ...
Great job. I notice a few little characteristics of this essay that show very strong control of English grammar, stronger than most students. They'll be impressed! Good choice of topic, too.

Undergraduate / Rice Supplements - my love for chemistry and why Rice [4]

Wow, I like that first sentence.. jolted my enthusiasm toward...very cool.
But is it necessary to name the teacher? I think the name might be an unnecessary detail that divides the reader's attention.

(still thinking about what to do with the "particularly..." sentence)--Just take it out and merge the paragraphs. That is how to "move things right along."

...undergo change and react to form new compounds. Particularly one lab sparked my interest in chemistry. As a replacement for the final exam, my teacher decided to give us large component labs. My lab was...

Second essay: use a hyphen for eighty-two.
But actually, I don't think you should even include that. Too often students repeat the same stuff they read on the website... it simply is not impressive to tell them you know about the small class sizes.

:-) you write very well!! It will be great if that second essay reflects a reason based on your career plan.

Undergraduate / "RUN" The prospect of running cross country and track in high school - Essay on Risk I have taken [4]

Oftentimes is usually one word, not two.

...fear of uncertainty causes people to (remain ignorant to the potential positive effects of taking a risk) This seems like an overly complex way to say what you are saying. Can't you just say uncertainty makes people miss opportunities?

...to make the most decisive decisions possible.----maybe it is not quite right to say decisive decisions. I think the word you are going for here is 'effective.' But then again, decisiveness is closely related to what you are talking about, so maybe you could say, 'to be as decisive as possible.'

"Run." The prospect of running cross country and track in high school weighed heavily on my consciousness. ----This confused me. A transition sentence can help.

A balance of logic and instincts is the strength of which I am proudest.

Reason-, taught Logic enables me to generate ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Commonapp essay significant event about a midnight adventure and a club task [6]

I don't think that 'not only, but also' form is good at the end of the first paragraph. It is probably better just to make it a list of things that need to be done (i.e. without separating 'postmarked' from the other items listed.

in which my driver's license was used as leverage ---- I don't think 'in which' is the correct phrase to use here! Here is the correct way to use in which: I took my education at schools in which learning was a priority.

everything works out the way it was meant to.--Well... I don't think the essay shows that... on that same night, kids like you died in car accidents, and their families may not have the same optimistic outlook. Your story does not show that things work out the way they were meant to, but only that they worked out the way you hoped they would after all.

When you use dialogue, you do a paragraph break every time a different speaker says something. So...
"Umm the lights weren't on? I'm sorry," I replied as I hit my head with my palm now realizing why the road looked darker.

"Let me see your driver's license," the officer instructed. I reached for my wallet and opened it. I froze. I realized the Kinko's worker never gave it back!

"I was at Kinko's printing the...

:-)