Writing Feedback / Amount of violence in films - ACADEMIC IELTS Writing task2 essay [4]


Well this is your hook and it does not have a direct reference to your prompt. You need to grab reader's attention with this first sentence and therefore it is important that it provides more effective entrance to your essay. So, always start with something that is more relevant and aligned with your prompt.


It's better you state your opinion firmly. It is the best practice to conclude your introduction for this IELTS task.

Undergraduate / Favorite Movie/ source of inspiration/weekend/compliment; QuestBridge National Match [7]


I hope that someday I will experience Mary and Max's friendship.
Tell very briefly why you like this movie (what is significance to you) and what sort of message it gives to society.


.... this is very good :)


...lazy implies "not doing anything" . This is what I suggest;
Music is what I seek as the stimulation when I feel dull and lazy.
Overall, I feel you have answered satisfactorily :)
Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'never give up' Uw-Milwaukee - life experiences, talents, commitments and(or) interest [3]

good comments by sarthakjain!


... Improve presentation of this idea;
All my life, I grew up with a very supportive family who stood by me and motivated me to reach my goals, be it academics, sports or even drama. They always provided encouragement and constructive criticism that kept helping me excelling in my performance.


A few weeks later I received a letter rejecting my application .


... sounds a bit too descriptive. Skim the core and write a shorter sentence!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:What is a important skill to succeed in life. [8]

Here I see a fundamental error. Leadership is not just one skill, but a set of skills put together. For example, skills such as analytic, communication, attention to detail, PR etc. all sum up to form good leadership skills. So I doubt whether you are on right track. My feeling is that you need to pick one of those skills that help one to be a good leader.


First, the more we display leadership skills, the more we can stand out among others.

Writing Feedback / The influence of popular music on young people? [4]


We all love listening to music, but its influence on younger generation is much more severe.


... Before stating your point, discuss the background of the topic.

Writing Feedback / [toefl] people born with certain talents or they are taught? [6]


Some people think that talented people are the God's gifted creatures.


What's your opinion? State it in the introduction.

Writing Feedback / Should students have to wear uniforms? - Persuasive Essay [3]


Why are children expected to wear uniforms every day if grown-ups are the ones who are usually seen wearing them?


...how about equality? One of the main ideas about school uniforms is to avoid differences between children in terms of social classes.


Well, this does not fit in with the reason of security. Dedicate this para to discuss that reason and support it with good examples.
Overall, you display excellent writing skills. You can improve the essay structure a little more.

Speeches / 'School for mentally disabled kids' - College Application Essay [4]


Their reasoning behind such decision was based on their reluctance to invest any extra time to help a slow student like me.


.... I wish you rephrased this part....not so clear :(
Yes... your writing sounds somewhat formal as in one of the earlier comments. Try to bring in more feelings to your writing.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 1: The portion of different ages of the population in Yemen and Italy [4]


... Good introduction.
However, I feel it is good if your intro is followed by an overview of the graphs. The para you've written is a bit too detailed for a overview.

Undergraduate / 'more tougher than for freshman' Transfer Supplement Essay SUNY Old Wesbury - challenges [3]


For a transfer student, adapting to a new college environment might be tougher than it is for freshmen.


Leaving the group of friends in my community college in hope making new friendships in a total unknown place is naturally going to one of the toughest challenges.


This section needs improvement. Some ideas said repeatedly. Avoid repetition.
Unlike for a freshman who enjoys a variety of opportunities to form new friendships, a transfer student may experience very limited opportunities and encouragement in that regard.

Undergraduate / Not everyone's belief is the same; Texas A&M U [9]

Seems you can write well. Overall, your essay flows logically. The only problem is that we have no idea about the question, rather the prompt. So it is difficult to make suggestions for improvements since we do not know what it expects from you. Post the prompt here and I will have a look at it. However, as I once mentioned you have good writing skills :)

Looking forward to your prompt !

Writing Feedback / Leave my country and move to another; Overcome a challenge [3]

First, what's the purpose of this writing? Are you applying to a college or this is just a normal classroom assignment. You better tell the purpose to others so that they can align their feedbacks better with the task. Then where is the topic or the prompt? That, again is necessary to provide you with meaningful feedbacks.



While on my way to the US, I began to ask myself; will I be able to adapt to the new culture and environment? will I make good friends? There were hundreds of concerns rushing to my mind and I found myself clueless about them..

Writing Feedback / 'I feel much more safe'; Traditional house or a modern apartment building? Toefl [2]


This sentence is too long. This is the opening, so it got to be catchy.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial for my country [6]


... these things have already been invented and hence you need this correction.



Here you need to give a comparison to stay aligned with the prompts;
However, out of all those inventions, I personally feel that internet has been the most beneficial for my people due to several reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Compare and contrast:taking a trip by oneself and taking a group tour with guidance [4]


Yes it is.... There is no upper limitation for the word count, but you need to manage your writing within the allowed time. So, keep your word count around 300 and make sure you include all essential features in your essay that help you earn a good score.


Why do you construct very complicated sentences when you can express ideas in a more simpler manner?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; TECHNOLOGY Vs TRADITIONAL SKILLS [4]

You should have included the prompt in your essay. Without seeing the prompt it is difficult to understand the argument and align our comments with task requirements.


... the second part is confusing. What do you mean by that?

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Movies or Books? Which is beneficial for a child's development? [8]

"development " is fine. I meant you should not repeat it;


I would argue that book is more beneficial for a child's progress in contrast to movies, in terms child's of mental, academic and verbal development.


.... this line has several issues; grammar, clarity and presentation;
First, the books are very essential for a child's psychological development.


Books influence children to imagine things while enhancing their reading skills.

Undergraduate / Art is where I can isolate myself ; Parsons the New School of Design-Artist Statement [2]


... beautiful, I really like this sentence :)


My likes and methods find my origins and differentiate me from other artists.


This is actually very well written. I only gave you a few suggestions, but this is very beautifully and creatively presented. Good luck with your application :)

Undergraduate / Not everyone's belief is the same; Texas A&M U [9]

Always include your prompt on the top of your response. That helps others to align your writing with what it asks from you;


Interesting :)


... this is not very clear... I guess you are talking about discussing one's ideas and thoughts with others.... I wish you improved clarity here.... sounds a bit confusing to me :(

Writing Feedback / the best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [3]

For what task you have written this essay? Is it IELTS or TOEFL? Independent writing or Integrated? You better tell us more details as to why you wrote this essay. It's always good to include the purpose (e.g. IELTS) in the topic. Also, include the prompt in your essay. Then we can provide you with more task relevant feed backs.

Your essay structure does not contain any necessary features of a standard essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Movies or Books? Which is beneficial for a child's development? [8]


... since this is an ongoing argument, keep your writing in present tense.
I would argue that books is beneficial for a child's development than movies regardingin terms of mental development , academic development , and verbal development.

Avoid repeating the same word. It makes your writing uninteresting.

Letters / recommendation letter from former employer for Architecture Graduate School [2]


It is with pleasure I write this referral letter on behalf of Kuriboh, whom I have known since 2011 in the capacity of his team leader at XX Architects, a reputed firm in architecture which also has a strong global presence.


During his tenure at XX, Kuriboh worked mostly under my supervision. For one year he was involved with AA project, an integrated hotel and lifestyle complex with 270,000 square meters area for recreational, art and cultural facilities.

Undergraduate / I'm chill, smart, nice, responsible, funny and tall; University of Wisconsin Supp [4]


Yes.... I find the second draft more justifiable and you are able to convince your point to the reader in a very balanced manner. I have only a few suggestions;


Chill, smart, nice, responsible, funny and tall are the terms my friends use to describe me. While I take pride in having most of those characteristics, I do not like to choose "chill" as an adjective to sum up my character.

Good writing :)

Writing Feedback / Value of Education; Which education do you believe is most important? [2]


This sentence sounds weak compared to your grand start.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: studying helps people to get ready for their entire life - in both social and economic [3]


.... You need to bring out the real reason more direct;
First, some students love to advance their knowledge in the field of their interest.


.... tell the stream that you liked to study further because that is where your interest lies.


... why do you talk about hometown? location is not a concern of your topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; governments should give financial support to creative artists [3]

Good feedback from gmad06 as always.
@gmad06 - I wish you become a contributor to this forum. In fact I'm inviting you to be one and help others writing. If you are interested, please tell me :)


@fahadbd - You need to align your writing more with the prompt. Your focus here should be on discussing whether it is the government or other sources who should fund creative artists. Very little is written to address that.

Undergraduate / I'm chill, smart, nice, responsible, funny and tall; University of Wisconsin Supp [4]

I rarely lose my temper, and my favorite way to approach a problem is to figure out what everyone wants andto make a compromise

Is that what you meant?
Well.... sounds good....only, you have too many pluses that might give them the feeling you are overdoing on it. I mean, the account on you is not balanced and gives the impression that you are really very smart.

Writing Feedback / Personal learning style - How and Where I position myself in Kolb's style [3]


... I feel you should reduce the repetitive feeling;
It is intuitive for us to do things the way we do them, with the people we like, at the time we feel convenient and finally in a place we feel most comfortable.


David Kolb borrowed the idea from Piaget to create his model of learning style.

Writing Feedback / Who could this person be? descriptive essay [4]


... Well, I have some confusion with regard to the logic of this sentence. When you say the first person you laid your eyes on, it gives kind of feeling that you are talking about your first memory of seeing a person. I doubt any of us can remember whom we saw first. I wish you rephrased this line to give a better idea of what you really mean. As it is, this can get the reader a bit confused.

Essays / 'Fairbanks and Seward Alaska' - United States Naval Academy 500 word essay. [2]


Well... what's this all about? Is this your SOP or what? Always try to indicate the purpose or the reason for your writing. Then others find it easier to provide you their feedbacks. As it looks, this is pretty untidy and doesn't divulge much information to us as to why you wrote this. Give more details and present it neatly. That helps you earn more comments.

Essays / How My Career and Philosophy Could Help Better World Understanding - Help [2]

Okkkkk.... we can certainly help you with, but you need to give a start. First, it is not clear for me what the requirement is. Had you posted the prompt here, I could have got some idea as to what you are expected to write about. However, you can google and get some ideas and starting doing your draft. Then post it here. Make sure you include the prompt (or the task topic) together with your essay. We will certainly help you improve by giving you ideas and comments.

Undergraduate / Mr Lombardo the mentor and Tom, my friend; UF - Most Meaningful Experience [3]

Well... without seeing your prompt, I may be telling something irrelevant. However, isn't it asking about one most meaningful experience? If so, your response is a bit diverted from its focus.You have several such experiences discussed in the response. You may disregard this comment if your prompt permits to do so.

Always, include the task prompt so that others get a clear picture as to what it requests and they can align their feedbacks accordingly.

Graduate / "Nate, wake up! We have to go to the emergency room!"; CASPA NARRATIVE [3]


Although it seemed that the worst had passed, the road to recovery had just begun.


my priorities changed dramatically.


I almost felt the transformation of myself into a very independent person.
I like your style of writing. You've done a good job!
Good Luck with your application!

Speeches / EXCHANGE STUDENT; Important decision made during my university career! [4]


I grabbed this opportunity and applied for this project and fortunately, I was successful with my candidacy.


Now I know I made a very wise decision. First, this enabled me to finish my masters degree abroad with a wealth of cultural experiences that I would have never been able to earn otherwise. This exposure also helped me develop many important life skills and experiences while adapting myself into a new environment. Second, the curriculum in the exchange school is more appealing to me because it contains a fewer number of subjects, which are of my interest, than my home school. And this has helped me to study with more enthusiasm.

Writing Feedback / Applying for the position advertise in a weekend paper for a job as a local tour guide. [3]


As a person who loves travelling around and making new friends, I confident that I can work as a tour guide with a true passion.


It's important to talk about your capabilities to perform as an effective tour guide. Talk about your language skills, knowledge about the local whereabouts, PR skills, contacts, sound attitude etc. that are important for a good tour guide.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Parents should encourage children to do part-time jobs [3]

Okkkkkkkk... first , you should have a meaningful topic for your essay to get others attracted to it. So, provide such topic in the subject space when you open a new thread. Now, let's look at your essay;

Pahan has given his suggestion for your introduction and I hope you pay attention to them. They are very valid points.


.... monetary means relating to money or currency, but it is a more technical term that is used to talk about a bit more serious things.



.... this sentence is pretty confusing. Try to construct short and simple sentences, one sentence for one idea.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical: 'fields of study'; everybody has the right to decide for himself [6]


.... youth refers to the period


... and of the most important part of one's youth is his or her studies.


... this sentence needs improvement as to discuss the importance of this issue. discuss its complexity !
Also, it is always good to place your thesis as the final sentence of your introduction. I don't find it here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The subjects that children are taught in schools are decided by central authorities [5]


.... this latter part is pretty confusing :(


... your prompt talks about school curriculum, so you better stick to that.


well... again, politicians and authorities are two different sets of people although politicians may hold such authorities.
You need to keep your writing well aligned with the prompt and avoid going out of topic.

Writing Feedback / People Learn from Their Mistakes [4]

Ok, what's the topic? "People Learn form their Mistakes" ?


If so, I think by rearranging the order of sentences you get a better flow;
Everyone makes mistakes in life, no matter what age, position or gender of the person. However, people learn many lessons from their mistakes and eventually understand to make the best of the lessons they learned to be successful in life.

Scholarship / Family of our family friends; Questbridge Bio;Factors& Challenges [2]


Most of my early childhood memories are set at a house of our family friends, which I loved much over my own.


I have developed a self-mechanism to escape the adverse circumstances that I was living with either by sharing them with my friends or handling them on my own.