Undergraduate / "a head for maps and delegation" - Common App Activity Essay - Duke of Edinburgh [3]


This intro is pretty intriguing and cool! However, what do you mean by maps and delegation?

Well, this is some great, great writing. I wish you did not have to cut content, because it is confusing this way. 150 words is not a lot. I think the last thing for you to do is revise one sentence so that it answers all possible questions about what the point of this is. Most importantly, what are you referring to with maps and delegation, and what is the main message of the essay? The significance of running shoes? I think one perfectly written sentence could answer all questions by stating the main message of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / UMichigan Engineering Essays, World Economic Forum [3]


Awesome!!

The first essay is so excellent, so impressive! the reader says, "How can I deny this student any opportunity when I am so impressed?!"

The second essay is not near 500 words yet, so ADD 2 SENTENCES to that intro paragraph. Sum up the message of the essay. :-)

Let's see a new draft if you have one. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/ You, too, Miray!!

Undergraduate / "my little sister, Nayori" - a person who has had influence on you [4]

The lack of resources in Venezuela provides its people with, has taught me to help those who are less privileged than me. As a result from of this benevolence, I decided to spend a summer ...

I'll remove a comma here:
Nobody in the village wanted to take her in, and despite her age she was aware of that.

This little girl proved to be HIV positive since the day she was born, and still, having to experience such unfortunate events, at such a young age, didn't encumber her from keeping an optimistic attitude nor from being grateful for the life she had. This sentence is as beautifully written as all your other sentences, but it is getting repetitive at this point. Let's move on instead of repeating the fact that she was optimistic despite her illness.

Never did I imagine that doing what I did this summer would cause such an impact on my life; however, I am happy that this event reached out to me in the way it did. This sentence is not very helpful.

... in such a primitive environment ----let's choose a word other than primitive, because primitive sounds judgmental.

taught me values I wouldn't have been able to get hold off (of?) in my society.

I would like it if you could tell a little how this experience will influence your decisions about a future career. :-)

Undergraduate / "Caesar's Dish" - Yale Supplement Critique [4]

My willingness to experiment with, rather than reject, something out of the ...
or
My willingness to experiment, rather than reject something out of the... (I removed a comma)

at Barnes and Nobles Noble; scattered books, lead-smudged papers, and cups of caffeine-induced beverages contribute to our...

...and it suits us perfectly. well .

We all need to try our own Caesar salad to take the first step to exploring diversity of every kind.---I think it is probably possible to use this Caesar Salad theme as a way of celebrating chem, too. Chem is all about putting things together to make something that is more than the sum of its parts, and that is what a salad is. Soup, too, for that matter... :-)

Undergraduate / "Assembling my list of colleges" - Why Swarthmore? [4]

You can remove the word "that"
...was one college that I didn't have to think long and hard about.

I attended a high school with eighty-six students...

in my graduating class. After my freshmen ...just plain annoying. Following four years of living this every day, I want a change. --I don't think this content should be included. It is not a reason to attend this particular school. It is just a reason to want to go to college and recreate yourself. Know what I mean?

This is the most important part:
I plan to go into the sciences and, possibly, if I find a real passion for it, medical school.
(Notice the way I used commas above.) Now... revise the essay to show why Swarthmore is the best choice for someone with an interest in science and medicine. Furthermore, add definition to the impression you make by mentioning a few medical specializations that might interest you. Mention a few article you have recently read.

:-)

Undergraduate / An intellectual interest of yours (The study of human behavior) [3]

I have to combine these last two sentences of the first paragraph, or the last sentence will be incomplete:
...even knowing the language that they are speaking -- all just from by paying close attention to the manner of their interaction.

I know that it's not usual for an eighteen-year-old to be interested in psychology. Honestly I have yet to find a contemporary who shares my level of interest on this matter. ---these two statements seem contradictory.

It started when I read a random article on the internet Internet on body postures to avoid when ...

When you get to the end of the essay, it seems to end in an "anti-climactic" way. It seems to just peter out. :-) I think you should end it by making a connection between this skill and your intended career -- rather than differentiating them. Fit this interest/skill in with your future plans. It fits! :-)

Undergraduate / "the gothic red architectures there" - my short essay to Brown! [5]

Cut out the not-so-powerful parts:
Physics has greatly improved the development of human civilization since the era of Aristotle, which helps us to unveil the enigma of this planet and launches us into a highly technological society. From the discovery discoveries of Galileo and Newton to Maxwell's equations and Einstein's theory of relativity, Physics brings ...

By learning it, I can gain deep understanding of the nature and develop a working style in pursuit of accuracy and prudence. What's more, I will master theoretical, experimental, and especially conceptual skills that are indispensable in both ...

Awesome.. this reflects a very high level of intelligence, and I think the reader will judge you favorably! How about writing a little more about your specific plans?

Undergraduate / Discuss some issue of; the infamous term "wikileaks" and Freedom [4]


Capitalize the proper noun.


This sentence does not have any meaning. Not everyone holds strong beliefs and values. You should express something meaningful here at the end of the first paragraph.

I view being shackled against your will whether mentally or physically as a violation of human rights. ---too obvious. What do you mean? "I believe" is almost always a weak way to start a sentence.

...whether you are born rich or poor, sick or able-bodied, brilliant or below average, American or Zimbabwean."-----this seems to have nothing to do with Wikileaks. Also, it seems offensive to make an analogy that compares American to able-bodied and brilliant while comparing Zimbabwean to sick and below average.

perhaps discipline should have been exercised by Julien Assange to censor the information being made public.---You have some more reading to do if you want to write about this topic. You did not spell his first name correctly, and you did not address the main points of argument offered by each side of this debate. For a different perspective, google this article: on the historical necessity of wikileaks

Undergraduate / Chemistry, math, playing the piano - common app [5]


Yes, that's right. Everyone should look at the TOS of an online community in which they are going to participate. In this particular community, you contribute by letting your essay become a focal point for discourse that will benefit many people now and in the future. That means you retract your own contribution by deleting the thread. If you want to do that, you can contribute eight dollars, or whatever the established fee is. But this is not a case where anyone is trying to deceive anyone. Very rarely, we have a person like you who fails to read the tos and then blames us. Most people like this site a lot! :-)

When you do something like this, you need a pair of commas, not just one:
Chemistry, full of its mysterious symbols and chemical formulas suddenly, makes ...
(I added a comma.) Also, you should change is to was in order to have consistent verb tense for a nice style.

Then even English, typically devoid of any formulas, can even come with its own strict five-paragraph essay format. ---This sentence, the last sentence of the first paragraph, leaves the reader thinking about an essay rather than about the concept behind the essay. I wish the essay had a thesis statement in that introduction so that the reader could easily wrap her mind around the concept you are trying to share.

At the end, you conclude with a statement that needs a little word: "I like patterns, but life isn't about patterns. It's about sewing new patterns into..."--It is not good to say that life is not about patterns, and that it is about sewing new patterns...because that means it is about patterns! It is better to say, "Life is not about studying old patterns. It's about sewing new..."

Undergraduate / Tufts "let your life speak" essay; "raised in a bubble" [3]

I don't think "parallel" has any place in the essay. Another adjective would be better. Unrealistic world? Sheltered world? Fantasy world?

...the type in which people live in an unrealistic world -- a world where nothing can go wrong, a world where there are no problems. ----I had to combine these two sentences, because if I did not the second sentence would have been incomplete.

Divide this into 2 or 3 paragraphs. Let the first paragraph end with a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay. I think that is the best way to improve it. It is already impressive though! :-)

Like Ngozi said, it is good to drill one concept into the reader's mind so that she associates you with that concept.

Undergraduate / "Success is a journey, not a destination." - Transfer to Boston University [3]

With its amazing location, internship opportunities and study abroad programs, BU will help me grow as a person and a student.---other schools in the Boston area have internship and study abroad opportunities. I think you should sum up your reason in a way that reflects your seriousness about a particular field of study.

Even though I said this above, I think you made a good case for why Boston is a good place to take your education.

However, this is too obvious:
Internships are great ways students can experience hands-on work in the field that they choose. Let's not state the obvious. Let's just omit this sentence and let that paragraph begin with this one:

Boston University provides wonderful internships in the film industry where I can learn new skills and discover new abilities that I might not know I have.

I don't think you get specific enough about your goals in the film industry. You can take your theme a step further and add some mention of a few aspirations and ideas that are especially important to you. It would be especially good to include some mention of a creative cinematic project you want to do while a student at BU.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Death of a friend" or "International student experience" Essay topics for common app [3]


The best thing is to talk about the specific professors. Do some research, and find articles written by the professors. If you are serious about a specific area of specialization in a specific field, you will be one of the students who read articles in professional journals even though they are not required to do so for a class. Do you know what I mean? The reader will be impressed if you are "on a mission," if you are determined to achieve specific goals.

I can answer questions like this without seeing your essay, but if you want us to see your essay you have to post it to the forum. Sorry!

As for the two topics, I think you could easily blend them both to support an essay that has your GOALS for the future as the main topic. The most important thing to do is share with the reader your ideas and intentions, so that the reader knows that she should give you every possible opportunity to proceed. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay "Should high school make music lessons compulsory" ? Opinion [2]

In our hectic lives , however, the demand is not for musically oriented students, but for academically developed employees.

You write very well, and I think you should be confident about the ielts. As for the content of the essay, I used to share the same opinion you expressed here. But then I realized that in such a competitive world students should be required to learn about art and music. In a competitive world, students might not make time for these important things in life if we to not make them requirements. Education is incomplete without art and music! :-)

Undergraduate / "Sensorineural deafness" - Common application [8]

After a lot of deliberation, I suggest using the Floyd essay, but revise that ending so that it emphasizes your unique plan... your unique interests and goals, complete with deadlines you set for yourself.

This essay, in this thread, has a long intro that gets it off to a slow start. The reader thinks you are procrastinating. As part of a novel this would be perfect, but here, I think it... well... I don't know, it is great, for sure, but the other essay is probably better. :-)

Graduate / SOP for Electrical and Computer Emgineering specializing in communications [4]


I don't think "securing" is the best verb here. You can choose a different one, and it will probably be better. To secure something is to ensure control of it... and although it is not bad the way you use it, I think it is not the best choice.

NUST is the first and only institution in Pakistan to have the honor of being ranked in the top 400 universities in the world by QS World University Rankings.---I don't think this should be the last sentence of the first paragraph. The last sentence of the first paragraph leaves the reader with an idea to think about as she tries to interpret the theme of the essay. Express your theme at the end of that first paragraph.

I am really interested in "Adaptive Filtering" and "3D image Geometry"----I think these should be given a whole paragraph of the essay. If these are the things you are interested in, they deserve to be a big part of your "purpose" that you are stating in this sop. Show the reader how proactive you are about studying the things that interest you.

:-)

Undergraduate / Academic Excellence and Christian Values ; Pepperdine [4]

Use a hyphen: twenty-three

These little day experiences have planted a desire to live a life of service.----What do you mean by "day experiences?"

I think you should condense the anecdote about the experience, and make it take up only 60% of the space it takes up right now. Make some room for discussion of your goals and plans for this next year. In the next year, you will do things that will affect the environment around you; show how your aspirations for the next year and the next 5 years will make a difference in the community of which you are a member.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Mysterious and Attractive Genes" JHU supplement [3]

Miray did a great edit. Please type the essay again, and try to use all of her ideas. If you do not understand some of the comments, that is okay! Type the essay again below, and we will try to see if you still have errors.

I'll comment on this part:
These videos displayed that some specific genes can offer certain "supernatural" abilities to the human body, such as synaesthesia and stamina to endure cold temperatures . It is amazing! It seems that genes can do everything. However, only knowing about the phenomenon is not enough for me. ---I added some words to improve clarity! :-)

Please type the essay again when you have time, and we can look for ways to improve it even more.

Undergraduate / "about a past teacher" - COMMON APP, INFLUENCIAL INDIVIDUAL [3]

Naively, I thought nothing of her comments, but I habitually began to do things that she did not expect of me to confute her prejudicial misconception.

or
Naively, I thought nothing of her comments but habitually began to do things that she did not expect of me to confute her prejudicial misconception.

(The comma is not necessary unless you use "and." That is because the use of "and" makes it a compound sentence, and a compound sentence needs a comma.)

I agree with Sadi. Your concerns are unnecessary. This essay has a cool theme. I got beat up by some kids when I was 12, and it inspired me to learn martial arts, so I eventually felt thankful toward them! That is kind of like your theme.

One criticism: I think you should hint at the "lesson" contained in the story. Hint at that theme/lesson when you write the end of the first paragraph. Add a sentence to the end of that paragraph so that you can mention something about the strange way this adversity empowered you. :-)

Undergraduate / "my British friend's wedding" - extracurricular activity, commonapp, 150 words [6]

I am amazed... how can a multilingual person be so good at English? I would expect that ordinarily a jack of all trades is a master of none, and a jack of all languages is a master of none. But you probed me wrong. You write in English in a way that is rhythmic and eloquent.

Now that I notice the corrections by glaserjf, I agree with them. Those two corrections are a good idea... "event" and "which." (Which refers to the conversation.) Nevertheless, your English is at a very high level of mastery; I think you have a real talent, and we would be lucky to have you join the EF contributors.

Undergraduate / Communities of "Chinese youths with multi-culture background"----essay for UMich [4]

For instance, it is common for us to discuss over topics with international students and get to know about different places on the planet through contact with them.--- This is a good sentence, but you do not need to use "over" with the word "discuss."

... the current progress of U.S. presidential election politics, and pay attention to ...----I changed it, because there is no current election. There is no presidential race until 2012.

Awesome!! You are so impressive. I think you are going to do very well and improve the world. :-)

Undergraduate / "becoming a successful businessman" - Why in attending the University of Notre Dame? [4]


This sounds a little like a brochure. Also, you need the word "the" before "first year." Instead of writing something that sounds like a brochure, write something about how the school will help you to achieve your unique goals. You can use this essay as an opportunity to show the reader that it is important for you to attend this school because its unique resources and professors will be perfect for helping you achieve your unique goals.

:-)

Book Reports / Literary Fog Essay- One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest [5]


I don't see any bad uses of the passive voice. If the teacher sees some passive voice that should be changed, he should point out the example. I hope you challenge him to do so! MAny people misunderstand what passive voice means.

Passive voice is often misunderstood by people. ---this is passive voice.
People often misunderstand passive voice.----this is active.
Janette was knocked to the ground by a flying elf. ---passive
A flying elf knocked Janette to the ground. ---active

Here are some more ideas:
When Chief experiences confidence and personal growth the fog begins to disappear, and this allows the reader to better understand the progression and his mental state of him .

Kesey conveys the fact that the best way to overcome internal conflict of any kind is through confidence in oneself and others.---this seems like the thesis statement because it is at the end of paragraph #1. So, the topic sentence (first sentence) of every paragraph should help to show that this statement is true.

In a mental institution to which the patients refer as "The Combine" lives a 6'7" Indian known as Chief. ---I made a small change here. However, this sentence is the first sentence of the paragraph, so if you want the essay to have good structure you should add a sentence BEFORE this sentence, and make it a sentence that introduces the main idea of this paragraph in a way that shows that the thesis statement is true.

The subtle social cues of MacMurphy begin with an introduction and acknowledgment of Chief: "Well what the hell, he can shake my hand or I will consider it an insult" (24). These social cues stimulate interaction.

Here is another paragraph topic sentence:
Value and purpose are essential for motivation. ----This sentence does not show that the thesis statement is true. Do this:
Value and purpose are essential for motivation, and also for the confidence that helps individuals to overcome internal conflict.

By MacMurphy instilling confidence into Chief -- "By God Chief... It appears to me you have grown ten inches since that fishing trip" (225) -- MacMurphy creates ...---Here, I moved MacMurphy's name to a better place in the sentence.

Also, I put the period AFTER the parenthetical reference in those quotations above.

When the teacher suggests not using the verb "to be" very often, that is the same as saying you should use action verbs whenever possible, like this:

When Chief experiences confidence and personal growth...---this is good. It would not be as good without the action verb:
When Chief has confidence and personal growth...---not so good. Your way of using action verbs in this essay is impressive already...

I hope this helps!! Tell your teacher we need him to help people here at EssayForum! :-) We need you to help, too; please check out EssayForum Contributor Page. You are already a good writer!!

(But review the way to cite page numbers in MLA. The punctuation goes AFTER the parenthetical reference.

:-)

Letters / Cover letter for a young graduate trainee placement [2]

Hi Andreas, sorry I was to slow to participate in this thread before you sent it out. I wanted to just say this is impressive and that you could benefit by using a stronger statement at the end of that first paragraph:

computational fluid dynamics and soon came to realise that I had found my calling. Since then I have striven to broaden my knowledge in the field by taking as many related courses at the university as possible. My passion lies with CFD, related to the vehicle industry and I hope to be working with for a very long time.---this sentence is sort of weak. "related to" is like a peripheral detail... 'hope to be working with a long time' is uninspiring. :-)

Improve that thesis statement, and transform the reader's experience!

Welcome to essayforum!! We need help from smart people like you!! :-)

Here is a place to refine a sentence:
Having studied in a multinational environment at the university I believe has improved ----having studied, ---> has improved... a little too much. "i believe" is always a bad phrase...

Having studied in a multinational environment, I am ready to apply my English communication skills in English significantly and since XX is a place of large national diversity. I think this experience will facilitate my working at XX perfectly.

Graduate / Personal Statement for PhD- Integrative Biology [3]


Let's give this intro a makeover. I think you need a brief sentence before this sentence... anything to catch the reader's attention and express your main idea a little. Make it a short sentence.

Next, add a sentence after it as well. That will make it so that your intro has three sentences. If you could sum up the message of the whole letter in a single sentence, that is the sentence to put in the intro as the 3rd sentence of the first paragraph.

These days, that is the way to communicate. Hook the attention,give the necessary info, and then make your statement in a single breath, succinctly and clearly. This intro is the whole essay, really.

The insights one may gain through the study of biology has such personal resonance that once understood it is impossible to look at life in the same way again. ---I suggest changing this sentence so that it refers to a particular experience that did this for you. That will make it real instead of abstract.

Choosing a specific area of research to follow out of the broad range of my interests is no easy task. Modern readers have no tolerance for wasted sentences. Let each sentence punch the reader in the stomach; let each sentence pack a punch. Modern readers with their busy lives have no patience, and that is especially true for AO readers who go through tons of essays.

As I finish reading this, I am very impressed!! Now I am very glad you are here at essayforum. You have such great potential, so I am here to criticize any boring sentences that try to creep into your essays! :-) Thanks for participating.

Undergraduate / "my original impression" - Short Answer: Why Columbia? [4]

Hi James , welcome!

Since all students are presented with the same texts and issues at the same time, discussion and collaborative learning can be accomplished, a method of learning which I specifically enjoy partaking in. ---This sentence is very convoluted! I think maybe it is beyond repair. How about a different sentence that accomplishes something better than this accomplishes.

Think of your goal. You want the reader to feel compelled to give you every opportunity possible. Achieve that by revising this in a way that better reflects your SPECIFIC vision for the future, your specific plan. A specific plan with goals for each month... that is the sort of thing that inspires. It is alright to be undecided, but it is inspirational to be hell bent on something.

:-) You write very well!!

Undergraduate / "engineering is used to create solutions to problems" - Why CMU Essay [4]


You know, Jennifer, these 3 activities do not seem particularly boyish. Girls love those, things, too!

How boring and stereotypical.--hahahahI love this sentence. Give it an exclamation mark, though, and that will justify making it a sentence fragment. I don't realy know how to explain what I mean, but I think you should add an exclamation mark.

Every now and then I get so worked up with my games and talk to my other gamer friends that even my best friend looks at me with a weird face because. ----This sentence made my brain go into a spasm. It is an error that it ends with the word because? You confused me!!

As I have already stated---It is better to just refer to the love for video games instead of wasting words to say "As I have already stated"...

Okay.. bottom line: I think this essay should not be about gender roles. And at the end it should not simply say you want to work with your brothers, etc. It should expound your intellectual and philosophical interest in the kind of technology you are planning to work with. Let's make this all about YOUR plan, from the beginning to the end of the essay.

:-)


The best way to get feedback from a lot of people is to go to the Unanswered list (link at the top of the screen) and help others. Then, ask them to review your essay.

Undergraduate / Intellectual engagement, Common Good, Connection to Place - Bowdoin [4]


This is the idea that goes with that third one. I would not do the third one, though, because I always think LOCATION is a superficial reason for choosing a particular school. The BEST reason is when you have a particular prof whose journal articles have motivated you to enter the field of your choice. Know what I mean? But even if that perfect scenario is impossible, it is god to stay focused on your intellectual aspirations, and that is why I prefer #1.

Undergraduate / Stereotyped beliefs or Foreshadow defeat - the amherst college supplement [4]


This one is fascinating. How can an unfair generalization about a group of people cause individuals to start acting in accordance with those generalizations? I have some ideas about this, but I bet you can come up with some on your own.

First respond to the statement. How does it become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Use an example. What if people believe all people of a certain care were believed to be violent, for example? How could such a generalization cause them to fulfill the "prophecy" by becoming violent?

:-)

Undergraduate / Law School Personal Statement "Overcoming Fathers Death" [4]

...responses to these types of such ethical breaches and human rights abuses.

This essay is so good that I hesitate to make any suggestions.
As I look at this sentence, Becoming a licensed mortgage broker --it makes me thing this sentence should be preceded by a paragraph topic sentence that helps to reinforce the idea you want to make linger in the reader's mind. Establish the topic of the paragraph in a way that supports the main message of the essay.

The ending is a little cheesy. :-) I think if you ask yourself this question you will be able to revise the expression of the main idea at the beginning and end of the essay: "What is a sentence that captures the main message of the essay? Try to write a sentence like that at the end of the essay. Let the last sentence of the essay be one that captures the message of the whole essay in a single sentence.

That is not what essayists should always do, obviously, but it is something I think would be nice here.

Undergraduate / "my compassion for others" - Vet tech essay [3]


"strongest and best" is unnecessarily wordy.

If you claim to be quick to list your flaws, it would be good to list some of them in this intro paragraph... I mean, just refer to them in passing. That way, the reader will be led along in a solid process of cognition for this message you are transmitting in the essay.

Let's look at this thesis statement. It is missing word:
But as I came to this conclusion I also realized that what I wanted more than anything was to train and become one of these hardworking individuals that were my mentors. I knew that no other job could give me the same satisfaction and reward. Replace this part with something that captures the essence of the essay, its message to the reader.

Improve that thesis statement, and you improve the whole essay! :-)

Undergraduate / I'm playing golf..typical? your extra curricular [11]

Great job!!

Cannot --- it should be written as one word, like this.

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
Going to the course and practicing became the most exciting part of the day, and the ...

You wrote this in a way that is definitely impressive because of how thoughtful and stylish it is. The only way to make it stronger is to somehow connect golf with your career aspirations. I can't think of a way to do that, though! Maybe the career that interests you is one that requires meditative focus in a single moment, just like golf.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: pros and cons of developments in agriculture [2]

I think it would be good to give at least one or two reasons in the first paragraph of the essay. You should give a sentence that introduces the reader to your main reason or reasons for holding this opinion.

...in agriculture should be preserved for the sake of the benefits of all human beings, because _________....

Let's also omit a word here: ... the obligation to fund in technological developments ...

...in farming in order to make an ensure enough production of food for its people.

Widespread is one word, not two:
In reality, of course, the widespread use of ...

You did a great job on the ending.
:-)

Undergraduate / "Quality of teaching; Research Centers" - why is Emory College [3]


No matter what school you attend, you can persue your other interests in addition to business.

Firstly, I was impressed by the quality of teaching. Emory ensures that its faculties are teaching effectively ----how do you know this?

You are not really describing much about your specific intentions. What will you do in the next 12 months if you are accepted? What will you do if you are not accepted? You have to show that you have a plan. If you have a plan with clearly devised goals, then you probably would need to write 10 pages to explain it. So... use each sentence to tell the reader about particular goals and intentions and how you could take action by using Emory resources as you proactively advance your knowledge.

Do not waste any sentences: This will prepare me with the capacity to pursue my education and start my career in Goizueta Business school. Sentences like this just take up space, and they don't really tell the reader anything.

You have a great STYLE of writing, and that is why I think you do not mind criticism about WHAT you are writing. This sentence is no good: Besides focusing on liberal arts education, Emory provides students with the resources and curriculum to explore their interest towards specific careers. Only include sentences that tell about how Emory fits with your plan. :-)

Undergraduate / "My father and his words" - influential person [3]

This will be better:
...change us and the course of our lives.

Let's not awkwardly repeat "father" in quick succession:
My father Mine is the father you envision when you think of a 1960s sitcom.

Ah... this is powerful writing. It's perfect, brilliant. I like this: Morals, ethics, humanity, kindness, kinship all thrown by the wayside, everyone seemed to let loose and in those days I saw the true nature of man, and it terrified me. ---notice how adding that comma makes the reader give each part of the sentence the attention it deserves.

And I especially like this sentence, though I will cut one word: My father though never changed, he never bowed to the madness, he never let it engulf him and so he became my anchor in to a world that seemed so far away.

Here is another great sentence, but we can eliminate "that"
My father sometimes jokes around saying that the dreadful communist system did not get him and neither will the capitalist system but I see that he is tired. ---In a lot of sentences I write, I have to go back later and remove the word "that."

Very good stuff, here...

Undergraduate / "from the central region to the Pacific Northwest" - UW short response essay #2 [3]

Oh!! In multiple directions!! That ending is perfect. I really think you are "born to be a writer." You have such a talent. How did you learn to write in such an entrancing way?

My friends taught me Korean so I could understand what my fellow classmates said and also what they didn't want me to hear. --- This is a very interesting detail...

Korean food and snacks were exquisitely different. ---You already said this, so let's not be redundant.

When I read this essay, I think of the word "acclimation." You are able to fit in anywhere; that must be a result of clear perception and sharp intelligence.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'tiny problems' CHILDHOOD IS THE HAPPIEST TIME OF A PERSON'S LIFE. [3]

...of 'Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life.' Childhood refers to ...---Do you see the correction I made to this sentence?

I see also that Yongxian made some corrections. You should practice English by typing the essay again and including the correct sentences we are giving you.

I think you absolutely are fluent in English. Becoming bilingual is a real accomplishment. Now you should "fine tune" your English by correcting the errors noticed by Yongxian. Please make another post and try to write the essay without mistakes, and we will tell you if you still have some mistakes.

:-)

Undergraduate / Bugs Bunny - different from other popular characters (Common App Essay) [9]

Hi Danielle,

There is a little problem at the start, here:
As a child, Bugs Bunny was...
Can you see how this way of wording it causes a lack of clarity? It sounds like Bugs did something as a child. You can do it like this:

As a child, I idolized Bugs Bunny because ...

Somehow, Bugs always managed to say things that were funnier, more interesting, and most uncharacteristic of a cartoon rabbit. ---right here, it would be really good to add a thesis statement and then end the first paragraph. Let the reader get her bearings before moving on.

Paragraph 2:
As I grew older and drifted farther away from a majority of the cartoons I had once enjoyed, my love and...

:-)

Undergraduate / (the absence of religion) Rice: What perspective do you bring to life at Rice? [4]

Use a comma to separate dialogue:
... always refuted with, "Because ...

I think it would work out better if you said twelve years old instead of five. It is hard to imagine such sophisticated conversations among five year-olds.

struggle to balance the temptations facing an adolescent male with my constantly...

...being told what to do or not do... or what not to do...

Check out Berdyaev's Dream and Reality: An Essay in Autobiography (1949).

:-)

Undergraduate / Galileo, Newton, Einstein and Heisenberg - Why physics? [6]

Great advice, here! Also, I think you should take "I think" out of the first sentence, because things like "I think" and "I believe" always weaken sentences:

It is a bridge between ...

Let's look at the beginning of paragraph 2:
the factor that makes physics exceptional for me is the way that it studies nature.
You have a very nice way of writing. I wonder why you did not capitalize the word "The" at the beginning of the sentence. EVERY sentence must start with a capital letter.

Please rewrite the essay based on the great advice from Constance, and then maybe we can find some more mistakes to correct.

By the way, I think you have a great attitude toward physics -- it is meaningful to stand up against old ideas so that humanity can learn.

Undergraduate / "a strong education in both science and business" (Significant Experience) [3]

I think you should add 2 or 3 more sentences about the concept that is central to the essay. It needs to be reinforced for clarity.

A slow, sinking feeling of dread filled my stomach as I realized I would be doing science in an unfamiliar language in a laboratory with strangers.---This sentence ends the first paragraph, and it leaves the reader thinking about the concept of "dealing with strangers." That is not what the essay is about.

I really like the way you used running for imagery at the start and end, and you shared some of your perspective with us. You are a great writer!! Use the first and last sentences of paragraphs to make your important points.

:-)