Writing Feedback / IELTS; Competition instills confidence into the child's mind. [5]


.... more than confidence, competition sets goals for people and motivates them to pursue it.


... what do you mean by this?
Well, you have followed the structure I suggested. But you place too much weight on competition. That's not fair :D .... Better balance it in the hook and background :)

Writing Feedback / Agree/Disagree? Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends [6]


This is the background of the issue. It's nicer if you have a hook before this part.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Deal with the cane toad; Integrated Writing Task [3]


... this is not grammatically incorrect. But I wish you changed the beginning a little bit;
Both the reading passage and the lecture discuss about alarming growth of cane toad population. While the reading passage discusses three measures to prevent the spread of cane toads, the lecturer challenges all those measures with sound reasoning.

Try this structure;
Introduction
~ General topic presented by the reading passage + lecture's position/reaction
Body Paragraphs
~ 1 Main idea from the lecture + supporting detail
~ Link to the relevant point in the reading passage

Writing Feedback / IELTS : ESSAY ON DESCRIPTIVE WRITING FOR GRAPHICAL DATA [4]

Well.... This is the format I recommend for this task;
1. Introduce the graph (very briefly - e.g. ; The line graphs demonstrate a comparison of fish, chicken, beef and lamb from 1979 to 2004.
2. Give an overview (your second sentence should be moved to a new para to give this overview)
3. Give the detail

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nowadays, many secondary schools teach business and communication skills [4]


Your prompt does not talk about the parents preferences. Try to stay with your prompt, otherwise your writing would look out of topic. This is what I suggest;

Finding employment is becoming increasingly competitive day by day (hook). Therefore many secondary schools focus on subjects like business and communication in order to prepare their students with skills that help them with future career opportunities. For this reason, they tend to give much lesser priority to subjects like history because they view them as less productive for the students' future. (background of the argument) However, I do not agree with this view and believe that these subjects too are important in building the students' character and personality. (thesis statement)

Open your future IELTS threads in Writing Feedback forum.

Graduate / Orthopedic Surgery, Residency, Medical School [3]


It was initially a responsibility to help support our family of nine, but then it turned to a great pleasure and joy.


... I too agree .... I think you've done a good job.
GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / Stay in one job or change jobs frequently.Discuss both and give your own opinion. [7]


Is this an agree/disagree type essay?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; FIXED PUNISHMENT FOR CRIMES? Or they need to be based on circumstances? [4]

I deleted your other post on the IELTS graph because we cannot allow you to do that, it is violation of forum rules. You can have one single thread for one essay only. That's the forum rule. You need to open a fresh thread for the graph. Remember to have a meaningful topic for that.

Also, it is better that you type the essay prompt on the top of your essay rather than attaching a file. But, for the graph, you should certainly attach the graphical presentation.

Scholarship / I need to ease off my parents' burden; SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [4]


The main objective of applying for this scholarship is to ease off my parents' burden on supporting my studies while fighting with their severe financial constraints.


My parents own a small business which supplies fruits and vegetables to restaurants.


.... you need to tell this more convincingly. Tell them why they face financial issues. This is too vague :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS; FIXED PUNISHMENT FOR CRIMES? Or they need to be based on circumstances? [4]

First, you need to have a meaningful topic for your thread. Mention the purpose (i.e. IELTS in this case) and have a short description of your topic. This helps you earn more feedbacks too. With regard to your essay, I think you need to attend to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / In order to have a better future, every high school student should take at least one economic course [3]

Hi
You better include your prompt with your essay for us to understand what it expects from you. Then we can align our feedback more with your task requirements.


.... As I mentioned above it is difficult to comment this, but I feel you have gone out of topic. :(


Don't lengthen your sentences unnecessarily. Clarity is the most important aspect of sentence structures.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; GAP YEAR is helpful for students to gain experience through work or travel [5]


.... types of jobs


... this is a very poor thesis statement. This does not provide any information to the reader about your position on the argument.
I guess this is agree/ disagree essay as we have seen essays written on the same topic here. However, it is your duty to include the prompt in your essay so that we can provide you with more relevant feedbacks. Another thing, you should post all IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. It's a forum rule.

Essays / Medical School acceptance essay; need help with draft [6]

Where is the draft?

Writing Feedback / Male & female equal in universities; Different subjects according to the gender [4]

Well... it's better you mention the purpose somewhere in your post.
You find some good video clips on google on IELTS which provides you with a good insight as to how you should structure it. Try this link below;

youtube.com/watch?v=5aPZIWruL14
Also, the above structure I provided above is the basic production outline for this task :)

Writing Feedback / Male & female equal in universities; Different subjects according to the gender [4]

Well.... I guess you are preparing for either IELTS or TOEFL. It's better you mention this purpose so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. If this is for one of those tasks you need to support your reasons with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Teachers' performance evaluation; 'People seldom agree with eachother' [4]


.... grammar error;
teaching is the most crucial job / teachers are the people who do the most crucial job


one possesses / they possess


... well, offspring is not the appropriate word to use for a relationship between a student and a teacher. "Student" is a better word. You've got to be careful when using synonyms because they may give a very different meaning if not used in appropriate situations.

Also, as for admin, please post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.
Thanks :)

Graduate / We successfully implemented the major project "Aid for blind people using image processing" [12]


Well.... I still think you need to be a little more creative in order to make your SOP to stand out the ones of other applicants. SOP needs to introduce you as a person to the admission panel. That's my personal view about it. If you want to be a little more creative, you can tell them how you got interested in this field, what aroused your interest and then how you followed your interest. When you talk through your own experiences, then things would be seen more convincing than having made a list of statements.

Apart from that aspect, your writing looks alright. It doesn't contain grammar or other language related issues.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE- A public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards [3]

Read the caption below which is written on how the introduction (GRE Issue) should be constructed. Then compare what you have written;
Paragraph 1 - The Intro
How do you begin your essay? One of the following rhetorical devices is the most common: a generalization about the topic, a quotation, a short anecdote to set-up your position, a historical framework, a piece of news illustrating the relevance of the issue. Regardless of how you "get in" to the topic, you'll score points if you can admit the complexity of the issue, and show how it applies to contemporary life. Show the reader what about the topic will be your focus.

Most students open with a general blanket statement about the issue, but feel free to be creative! You can find sample prompts from the Issue Essay topic pool to practice

Undergraduate / How Blogging Changed My Life- UC Admissions Personal Statement [5]


... not clear to me what you try to say :(


Who on earth would be interested in reading about the life of a simple high school student?


But I evolved from the timid introvert girl to someone who is open and eager to share the life experiences with others.

Writing Feedback / Entrepreuners and Jobs - GRE Issue essay (rate and comment) [3]

External factors have always had an impact on man and history and it shows that many a great or flawed men were a product of these influences.


Entrepreneurs have the ability to convert their deleterious past and create unique experiences for their customers through their products and services.

Writing Feedback / GRE; Educational inst are responsible for guiding students in their study fields [6]


sure.... I will... is this just a part of your essay or the full one? I guess this is a GRE Issue essay, Isn't it?

If so, have a look at this caption I took from a website;
The GRE Issue essay is similar to any 5-paragraph short essay you've written in college. You may opt for 4-6 paragraphs, but this structure plans for 5. The official GRE website states that readers of the Issue essay "are evaluating the skill with which you...articulate and develop an argument to support your evaluation of the issue." The better organized your essay, the clearer it will become to the reader. Here's how to structure each paragraph:


that's ok... Most important thing is that you cover all essential features within that time :)

Writing Feedback / SAME JOB Vs CHANGING JOBS - Discuss both views [7]


You need to improve clarity of this sentence. This is your hook and you need to grab the reader's attention with it.


.... well, I agree with the experience part of it. But, progress can be pretty slow when they stick to one job. Generally, the ones who move climb up the ladder faster. By doing the same job, one would become a master of what he's doing. In other words, he becomes a specialist in his work.

Writing Feedback / "Is Legalizing the Right Choice?" - It's the right decision! [3]


Marijuana has been gaining in popularity for many years and its popularity never ceased to grow until to date.


... but I believe the positives would outweigh the negatives and its legalization would benefit the country at large.


This sentence lacks clarity. You better re-phrase this line

Writing Feedback / A person should be very careful when making a decision - think carefully before any judgement [8]


.... that's ok....next time do it right :D THANKS!

Undergraduate / I want to be able to serve those who are hurt - Why Doctor ? [2]

What is your prompt? It's good you include that in your response or the essay so that we know what it exactly expects from you and therefore we can check the alignment of your writing with its expectations.


.... this sentence is too long and does not deliver your idea properly. I guess you should re-phrase this line.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK: an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. [3]


Before this point, show the reader why it is important to discuss this theme. Let your thesis statement to be the last one in your introduction.

Speeches / Introduction Speach for a college freshman [4]


Let me tell you a few things about myself!


I come from Texas, but currently I live with my grandparents here in Hattiesburg.


I have a wonderful caring family (better tell a few things about your family, parents & your siblings - but very briefly)
And I am so blessed to have some great friends too.

Writing Feedback / Last few years, authority as well as government is highly concerned about the school atmosphere. [6]


.... What do you mean by authority? Government also has authority. Do you mean school authorities? .... school atmosphere? Your prompt talks about student behavior which is very different from what you have written.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1- give me feedback, and mark on /9.0 [3]

Please open all your IELTS related essays under Writing Feedback forum!


... this is not incorrect. But I feel direct speech sounds better;
The two graphs provide comparisons by gender and region of the secondary and tertiary education receivers.


This line should move to the other para.

Scholarship / A second chance; Scholarship Appeal/ Oakwood University [5]


I am very grateful for giving me the opportunity to make an appeal for the scholarship, Fall of 2013 to Spring 2013.


.... you take responsibility for what? to improve the average? it's not very clear.


I found that studying both Biology and Chemistry together was extremely challenging with their fairly difficult course work.

Writing Feedback / Write the short opening chapter to a novel called A Summer Romance. [2]


I looked into my closet and let my hands pick the beige colored thin top, the one which Jessica used to hate, on purpose to annoy her.


.... nice one :D


.... The first part of this sentence gives a bit confusion... airport, one week ? Do they really matter for this story?
At our very first meeting at the airport Jessica came to know that I am still single. From that point on wards, she has made it her responsibility to find a suitable partner for me.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - 'slight difference'; The illiteracy rates around the world [6]


hey... Pahan... you have made an oversight here .... the graph talks about illiterate percentages. You are absolutely right about the numbers and percentage issue, but here xucoi is in the right track - I mean that although he/she is quite right on interpreting percentage values to numbers, he/she understands what the graph spells out. ..

Writing Feedback / IETLS General Task 1: You have lost your credit card. Letter to manager [5]


Well this is not really necessary for your letter. Your letter is not intended for impressing him about your creditworthiness or anything. You need to lodge a complaint that you lost your credit card. Follow these steps when you attend to this task;

1. Identify the type of letter you are being asked to write.
2. Open and close the letter correctly (Formal - Dear Sir, Semi formal - Dear Mr Silva, Informal - Dear Tom) (Formal - Yours sincerely, Semi Formal - Your sincerely, Informal - Best Regards)

3. Open a formal and semi-formal letter with a formal sentence
4. Open an informal letter with a general, friendly paragraph
5. Identify the main purpose of the letter.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; What's more important: hard work or luck? not reckon on luck in our plan [3]


... two different examples gives a bit overdone effect. The second part has grammar issues;
What do you think about the construction of a beautiful building? Do you think these buildings got erected just by mere chance? Of course not.

However, I feel this opening statement does not help you to align your writing with what your prompt expects. In fact I feel it is a bit out of topic. Your prompt talks about a more personal aspect which is directly linked with the matter what contributes more for one's success. Is it luck or its it hard work. So you've got to deal with that direct.

Writing Feedback / GRE:Development of technology should improve our ability to think for ourselves [7]


I wish you had been more creative and opened the essay with a good hook that grabs the reader's attention. It's better to keep your thesis as the final statement of your introduction.

Okkkk... then how do you begin the essay?
One of the following rhetorical devices is the most common: a generalization about the topic, a quotation, a short anecdote to set-up your position, a historical framework, a piece of news illustrating the relevance of the issue.

Writing Feedback / 'Multitasking teenagers' - ACT Essay Review [4]


Well.... I don't have any idea about ACT tasks. However, in general practice it is encouraged not to state our opinion as you open your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Some people argue that the purpose of zoos is only to entertain people. [7]

great advice congchop! :)


Your conclusion too needs to be aligned with your prompt. So you need to summarize what you discussed very briefly and the reinstate your position. You should not bring in points that were not discussed or that do not have a direct correlation to the topic. I think this conclusion is a bit out of topic.

Undergraduate / The Choice an Athlete Makes to Become Professional Without a Degree [3]


.... impressive start :)


... the word "athlete" is getting repeated;
Why would one choose not to complete a degree program when he is offered a chance to become a professional athlete?
This is very good writing. I enjoyed reading your essay.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / How to get an apathetic middle school student interested in Math? ; HMC FAST [4]


... I would say "grasping new concepts, approaches and theories" .... do you agree?


.... Why do we learn them? What is the relevance of these things into our real life needs? Are they applicable in real life situations?
Good Luck with your mentoring ;)

Writing Feedback / WHO HAVE BETTER INFLUENCE ON STUDENTS - TEACHERS OR PEERS? [4]

First, I have two requests - Have a more meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread. Also include the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the topic itself and that would help you earn more task related feedbacks. Finally post this type of messages into the Writing Feedback forum.


this has many errors; grammar, spelling etc.