Undergraduate / "The 'small-school' feel and broad education" - Why Northwestern? [4]

As a student who aspires to be a scientific researcher, I appreciate the fact that the Weinberg College not only provides, but also encourages students to take

Is this the name of the department?---> the department of biological sciences (If that is the name of the department, I think it should be capitalized.

Again here... probably it should have capital letters: "unofficial guide to getting involved in research at Northwestern"...

:-)

Book Reports / "Oedipus the king" was a puppet of the gods or master of his own fate - thesis? [4]

Hi Ricky, I'm sorry I didn't get to help before the assignment was due, but I would not want to just give you an answer after you posted the prompt. Next time, post the prompt and write something to show that you did some reading and thinking. Then, we'll give you some more ideas.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Philosophy, Politics, and Economy" - University of Penn Supplement Essay [5]

During the course of my life, I've lived in small communities and been watched over by my parents and elders. ---I like to cut out unnecessary words... if the reader has to read more than necessary, the reading is tedious.

The thought of moving all the way back to the US United States alone to continue my studies

I look forward to the moment the Penn Gamers Club commences; I'll go and meet my fellow gamers with ...

I like the idea of including more about your specific plan and intentions. That is what makes the reader feel confident that you have put a lot of thought into your academic and professional plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'I was abused by my Mom'; Statement of purpose for SCAD ( animation interest) [2]


This is redundant. You can have "growing up" or "as a child," but not both.

No need for commas here, but use "are"
My experiences and the feeling I got from the movies are is the reasons I'm perusing a career in animation.

My goal is to attend the Savannah School of Art and Design and earning earn a degree in animation.

... cartoon that makes a child feel how I felt watching animated shows and movies.

Additionally, there is an Plus a awesome animation department that has all the latest programs and teachers ...

:-)

Scholarship / "The language of the universe" Hispanic Scholarship Fund- a recent academic challenge [3]

and names such as the work of Schrodinger and Faraday.

I didn't want this for me myself.

...cost of switching to engineering was greater in the long-term. ---do you mean that it was NOT greater in the long term?

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
Now, it's been five months, and the semester is almost over.

I am really glad to say that I am doing excellent on in every class and that I am receiving my degree next June. I had to put a lot of effort in my classes and give up video games and partying. But I am happy that I made this decision while...

(Well, you can be old and full of energy, too. It just depends on whether something is important to you. Energy comes from strong desire. :-)

I think the reader is going to be impressed!

Writing Feedback / Living in a big city has various advantages for people [4]


Reservation does not mean what you think it means. :-) Google it!

At some point during this essay, the writer should try to sum up the main idea of the essay in a single sentence.

People can enjoy food from a country to which they have never been, that they never have been too and and they do not even need to leave the house because of the fact that restaurants deliver their food to the people's homes .

:-)

Undergraduate / Morgan State - to make a decision to join this school [3]

Here is a part I think you should cut:

These facilities include a well-stocked library, well-equipped sport centers, a good student-to-lecturer ratio, an excellently-built campus.... good teaching abilities which will bring about the output of great and experienced students.

All this stuff is meaningless. I want to see more about your plan for a future in medicine. The stuff that appears in a brochure should not be in your essay. Make the essay about your particular plan. :-)

Moreover, Morgan State University has good lecturers and specialists for my major -Medicine. Morgan State University has produced renowned doctors ...---This part is very good.

Make the reader feel a sense of inspiration about your plan for becoming a physician. You show, through this essay, that you are a bilingual student working very hard to achieve your goals, and it shows that you have learned English very well. The most important thing is to add more discussion of your PLAN. I think this essay is a winner!

Writing Feedback / It has become easy to prepare food now days but has this improved our lives? [8]


I don't know... I don't think vegetables have hormones. I am pretty sure there is nothing that can be called "hormone" enriched vegetables. Please forgive me if I am overlooking something obvious. The concern with vegetables is that they are treated with chemical pesticides and also grown in soil that lacks the proper nutrients.

Look at the singular and plural options here:
Junk food consumption is also on the rise nowadays owing to the ease of its preparation.
or
The consumption of junk foods is also on the rise nowadays owing to the ease of their preparation.

one of the causes...
They are one of the main causes of diseases such as diabetes, hypertension and obesity, and ..

:-)

Writing Feedback / Discuss the effects of advertising on our lives and give your opinion. [3]

Nowadays, wherever you go it is obvious that you will come across with advertisements. Most people claim that adds ads are the bad sides of human activities, while others do not.

Your writing is great! I can tell you learned English as a second language, and you write very effectively.

Here is an idea:
As these companies pour a great amount of their wealth into the paying of taxes and the creation of jobs , the government benefits from this system.

However, it depends on us which effect to consume pay attention to, because advertisement ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Recent academic challenge - math studying [4]

I don't think it is bad. You wrote it in a way that clearly shows that the reason you struggle in math is because you are a verbal person instead of a math person (Google "multiple intelligences" gardner). I think anyone who reads this will feel like they already know you a little bit and appreciate your great writing style.

My only complaint is that you could have written about a struggle associated with your career objectives. Every reader is impressed with the kids who are being proactive about studying the subjects that interest them. You could write about a struggle directly related to your ongoing effort to carry out a plan -- a plan that involves this school to which you're applying.

Scholarship / (career position in management) - your career goals and why you need a scholarship [5]

My current career position in management has caused me to recognize that a well-r ounded person needs to pursue both a life experience as well as an and educational experience. Knowing These two kinds of experience provide different kinds of knowledge.

Here, you try to use "not only ---> but also"
I desire to pursue not only an associate degree in business but a bachelor, and then my masters and beyond. I desire to pursue not only an associate degree in business but also a bachelors, and then my masters and beyond.

You are doing very well, but you need a list of your goals. Sometimes it is hard to express your goals, but you have to find a way to express them. Make a list of your goals for 2011. Then, make a list of your goals for 2011-2014.

:-)

Writing Feedback / China vs USA" - Essay for different cultures [4]

Similarly in the ceremony of the marriage, birthday, and even burial, the entertainment of foods is the theme of these gatherings.---This should be part of the previous paragraph. It is about the same idea. I'll make a small change, though:

Similarly, in the ceremony of the marriage, birthday, and even burial, the entertainment of foods is the theme of these consists of food.

If you write, USA you need periods: U.S.A.
But it probably is better just to write United States, because that is concise and aesthetically cool in the essay.

Wow, I had to read the essay twice to appreciate the full meaning. When you wrote that the habit of Americans is more rational, I wanted to challenge you on it because it sounds like a generalization. But now I realize that you are referring to the fact that Americans do not over-emphasize food in the way you say the Chinese over-emphasize food. That is very interesting!

This essay is well written, but more importantly it really gives a valuable idea for consideration.

Undergraduate / "about trying out for a team" - Common App Essay- 'And We Took to the Skies' [3]

That first paragraph switches from present to past verb tense right in the middle. The present tense is cool, so use it for the whole paragraph. Know what I mean?

The story is great, and I think you have a talent for writing narrative stuff... you are a good storyteller! For this essay, I guess what it needs more of is the discussion of how it affected you. This is all I see: "began to feel more comfortable with pushing my limits. There was never an excuse for not trying your absolute best because I knew everyone else was doing the same."

But that does not dig very deep.

So... it would be great to have a paragraph to discussion the meaning, implications, "moral of the story," etc.

Undergraduate / "the diversity that surrounded me, I am unique!" - Common App Essay [3]

Hey, sorry you have not had much help yet!

I enjoyed your story. It is interesting to me, because I recently have been reading the work of Nikolain Berdyaev, whose life story taught me a lot about Russian history. I wonder how it was for your dad when he escaped, as you mentioned!

In this essay, I think you succeeded in connecting with the reader and sharing a meaningful idea. The only part I want to change is the last sentence:

While we all have similar goals, we are also unique in our individuality . We all have different goals, and :unique in our individuality does not really mean anything! So... you have to come up with a better conclusion, I think. :-) The essay is brilliant, though, and I benefited from sharing a glimpse of your perspective.

Undergraduate / "Long jumping with Eva, my friend" - significant experience common app [6]

I think mat is a better word than mattress.

My best friend Eva, a long jumper, talked ...morale boosts and encouragement to keep going. ---I think all this content can be condensed into about 3 sentences.

If you do that, you will be making room for more discussion of your aspirations (i.e. writing, and other ways to use the sense of determination. That is where the real essay is. The essay is not in telling all the details about struggle, a pep talk, persistence, and a payoff, because everyone knows that common story. What is uncommon is for you to be able to make brilliant conceptual connections between this story and other aspects of your studies, career plan, etc.

:-)

Undergraduate / Polevaulting problems, the Junior Varsity team - common app [3]

I think it is best to change "you" to "I" every time it appears. Do not preach to "you" the reader but instead reflect on what "I" experienced. I think that is usually a better way to write this kind of essay.

I believe that being successful is based almost entirely on what you believe you are able to do and how much work you are willing to put in to achieving your dreams.

This essay has a nice theme, but it is a theme everyone is already familiar with. I think you should give FEWER details about the actual events involved in pole vaulting and MORE details about your reflection on it and how this theme -- believing in your limitless potential -- can apply in the field you are going to prepare for in college. This is already a great essay, but if you want to make it better cut out some of the content that tells the reader things she already knows about pole vaulting, etc, and add some of those connections between the "moral of the story" and the direction you are taking in college.

:-)

:-)

Research Papers / Death Penalty research paper (5 pages, 5 resources) - I'm against death penalty, idea [7]


Hi Talha, I'm sorry I did not get to help before the deadline. I hope your paper was successful.

I recommend trying to avoid using an outline. Write 2 paragraphs about the main idea of each source. That will give you 10 paragraphs,which is about 3-4 pages.

Then, go back and write an introduction.

If you are required to give an outline, write those paragraphs before writing the outline. It is way easier!

:-)

Research Papers / A feasibility report to install designated smoking areas [3]

...will decrease the chances of other students being exposed to second hand smoke.

The audience's attitude towards this feasibility report was greatly appreciated. ---what does this mean? I think you are supposed to write something about what the audience's attitude about it might be like right now.

Here is a place where I can take an unhelpful sentence and connect it to another one to make one meaningful sentence:
In order to determine the feasibility for installing designated smoking areas at CWU, I needed to gather all the information I needed this report.
In order to determine the feasibility for installing designated smoking areas at CWU, I needed to gather all the information I needed this report. The scopes for this study looks into about the cost, budget, interest, materials, equipment, process, location, timing, and enforcement.

And here is the way to apply a rule called "number agreement" (Google "number agreement" and "grammar" together to find great info):

public places not designated as a smoking area or any
...public places not designated as a smoking areas or any ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "American youth have nowhere else to turn for guidance" - ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [3]

...me to the Basement basement of Public School 97.

travelled traveled...

Every day as I walk the halls of my High School high school, I'm surrounded by violence, peer pressure, gangs, drugs and crime.

This summer, I travelled to Virginia to attend and work

We've all heard the saying, "You never see a boat parked outside of a psychiatrist' s office," but I think I can apply to ...

:-)

Book Reports / Need help with comparative essay between Hamlet and the Great Gatsby [4]

my strategy is like this: Write about the characters you understand the best, and search for points of comparison and contrast. You can relate any three people in any stories.

The trick is to relate all characters to a common concept... a concept that glues them all together. It does not have to be something they all have in common... just something they can all be discussed in relation to.

:-)

Essays / Marketing Essays - Marketing Strategies Thesis Statement; dissertations and research papers [21]


LOTS of research articles have been written about branding and advertising. Your job is to read 10 articles right now, and write a little paragraph about each. Find the articles by searching a library databasefor journal articles using these search terms:

branding, advertising, survey, research, hypothesis, literature, review, results

If you use those terms, you will get articles that include literature reviews. These sections will tell you ALL about the research being done lately. I chose "survey design" for you because it is simpler than other methods. You can replace that term with "case study" or "grounded theory" or some other method if you want to.

Good luck!! This is supposed to take a long time, so don't get frustrated. :-)

Write a paragraph about each article's main idea, and write a paragraph about each paragraph's research design. Google any term you don't know.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My brother Richard Evan Gross impacted my life" - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A [4]

Another way to do it is by adding the verb "is"
My brother -- Richard Evan Gross -- is my older brother, a ...

When you write, do not tell the reader anything she can figure out on her own. Readers love to figure stuff out on their own. That is one of the secrets to writing in an interesting way. It's why I crossed out "my older brother"above.

was Seven seven.

Like most of my friends, I always looked up to my older brother. ---do you mean they all look up to their brothers or that they all look up to your brother?

In more ways then one, he was and still is my very best friend; the guy I always wanted to be. ---you already said this! Say it in a different way.

I think all readers are going to enjoy this! :-)

Undergraduate / Carleton, short answers, biology, books [6]

I envision myself as a Biologist who is also a green volunteer. ---I added some words to make it complete.

And here is a better way to write this sentence:
This novel made me happy first - then angry, and finally embarrassed.

Your grammar is better than you think it is! :-)

Undergraduate / the "Davidson in Focus" web page - supplement and Colgate supplement essays [5]

I think this little phrase does not belong in the essay:
I am just me, and as As I sat there glaring at the demigods Davidson made its students out to be, I realized that that was all I needed. Being me, however cliché that sounds, was what made the names "Alexander La" and "Davidson College" go hand-in-hand, just like it did for "Clint Smith '10" or "Andrew Ma '12." It is TRUE that it is a cliche, so don't use it! Acknoweldging that it is a cliche does not make it less of a cliche, ha ha. But anyway, I think you should take this opportunity to express a little about "who" you are in the sense of what direction you are taking your career and education. What are your strengths and goals?

This is all great writing, and you are so introspective. My only advice is that, like with this paragraph I discussed above, I think you should go through the whole essay and crank up the volume of that SPECIFICITY. Do not be abstract. Abstract thinkers need to compensate for it when they write, or the essay will not be concrete enough. But really, this is already impressive, despite that little idea about specificity.

Undergraduate / "in the middle of a contractor's life and Islam" - essay about myself [4]

I grew up in the middle of a contractor's life -- my father, who was working on building homes. There are so many house sketches and designs in my father's room that always make me so enthusiastic, and that's why I am really excited about architecture.

I'm naturally I have been a Muslim since I was born. ---I think the paragraph about Islam is well-written, but I think it is not about what the essay is supposed to be about. What is the idea you want the reader to remember about you? I think you should show the reader that you are already reading a lot about architecture.

After I graduated from high school, beside studying at home, I made an online shop on a social website for to get some pocket money.

You should practice every sentence 10 times. Speak it aloud while you type it, and type each sentence 10 times. That is how you will remember the correct English grammar. I also think the essay should be all about the articles you have read online and in architecture journals, and it should be all about your plan for the next few years you will spend in this school.

:-)

Undergraduate / Lost in Musical Translation-CommonApp Essay on Risk and Experience [8]

This is great stuff... I looked at it about a week ago but did not comment... I really enjoyed it, though.

If you are worried about throwing the reader off with that blind man sentence, you can use a technique that always works in that sort of situation: Build scaffolding prior to it in the essay.

Introduce the concept and mention it twice in the previous paragraphs. Use the word blind. Introduce it somehow so that the reader's experience will be as powerful as possible... no stumbling in an effort to interpret the concept.

:-) Great job!! I love good writing...

Undergraduate / "Tell me what you know about math." - Common App Personal Essay [5]

I don't think alternatively is the right word in that first paragraph. It does not quite fit with what you are saying. You don't have to replace it; just omit it.

Frame this discussion within a larger discussion of your process, your plan, your ongoing effort to become a particular kind of person.

The empowerment regarding math is only meaningful within the context of how you will use it -- how you will use math, and how you will use other empowerment. And you will also empower others.

Consider your overarching plan and how "empowerment" fits into it. I think you could write 100 pages! :-)

Undergraduate / "DARLING, I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH YOU." - special talent, experience [8]

This is a real work of art. I agree that the title is kind of "off-putting," ha ha... how about that better title! Good idea, Nisha.

Aside from that, it is hard to make suggestions for change, because this is already complete as an inspired piece of writing.

For the sake of clarity, though, you might want to write a sentence right BEFORE this one in paragraph 2:
Sociology is not my first love, I confess.

Precede that with a sentence that explains something about the analysis you are about to do. If you start with mentioning that it was not your first love, the reader sees no order to the analysis. Give a cool sentence of explanation at the start of that paragraph.

Thanks so much for posting this great essay!

Essays / Message therapy career + open my own business + take family vacation - my 3 goals [2]

If a person has both the passion and dedication, he or she would be able to achieve his or her goals in no time.-----I crossed out some words to make the sentence less awkward.

As for myself, it is my drive and commitment that will help me to acquire achieve my aspirations. In the end, one cannot rely on others to achieve success, but will have to take on the challenges by his or her own self. alone.

It is better to avoid filling the sentences with "his or her" and "himself or herself."

Hey, did your teacher show you the correct way to punctuate the sentences? I hope the teacher provides the necessary information so that you can practice the correct way. Does the teacher correct the grammar for you?

Use a spell checker program for spelling. Google this: spell checker tool

:-)

Dissertations / HRM - research topics (women/Indian culture/working mother/women empowerment) [3]

It's easy to find a list of topics just by googling: human resource management research topics list

So, instead of pasting a list of topics, I'll give my idea about your particular topic.

First, have you read at least 10 recent HRM articles about gender discrimination or the empowerment of women, etc.? Just use good search terms and ENJOY some articles written in the past 5 years. WRITE A PARAGRAPH about the main idea of each article, and write a paragraph about the research method used in each article.

You can search like this:
hrm gender female literature review method hypothesis

That will get you a good example of a research study.

If you want to try a case study method, search a database of journal articles for this:
HRM "case study" "glass ceiling" women

To learn about case study research, google this: Robert Yin case study
(Yin is an authority on this method)

Undergraduate / Joy of art discovered through broken heart: USC Animation Personal Statement [5]

to the girls' restroom.--I had to move that apostrophe

I was twelve years old, and was deeply infatuated with the biggest jerk I have had ever met. ---your way was not wrong, but as a matter of style it is cool to keep the verb tense the same.

I remember that day like it was yesterday.--This is a cliche, and it would be better to write the same idea with different words... unique words.

I think this sentence is better with "being":
That is why to be being a part of the University of ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Community service; support for a person in need" - Weschester University Essay- 9-11 [3]

It has to be "between him and me."

between him and me.
He had always been cold and

Hey, I cannot give any other advice for this perfect essay. It is not just good as an admission essay but also as a piece of writing that gives a glimpse of that part of American history. Many people lost parents on that day, and this essay is really a precious artifact.

Undergraduate / Georgetown Essay "The Power of Determination" [5]


I was really enjoying the essay by the time I got to this sentence. It is the kind of writing that anyone will enjoy.

I think when people write very well they are allowed to use contractions. However, some narrow minded readers might think less of your work because of a general idea that contractions have no place in formal writing. I am NOT saying Natalie is narrow minded; she is correct to suggest this change, because some AO readers might be narrow minded.

Yet, I think you write so well that you should keep the original... rhythm of the sentences ... by keeping the contractions.

I have to remove some commas here:
both poor and rich, both happy and sad, and both strong and helpless. ---this is a very powerful part, BTW.

I think the essay will be more complete with a little more discussion of the CURRENT person you are. What are you planning now, and what are you currently studying, etc., pertaining to your careers of interest?

If any AO reader sees this essay and does not admit you to the program, send him to talk to me! I will be very angry, and I'll call him names.

Undergraduate / MIT-Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun (250 words) [12]


Watch out! Eyes on the road, mister... :o) just kidding...

This is very good writing, obviously.

About the Taylor Swift sentences. It is a good detail, which helps to hypnotize the reader, but it seems without purpose. Many essays are well written but without purpose.

What should be one's purpose in writing an admission essay? I think it should be to convey the idea that s/he has invested a lot of time and energy into an ongoing plan that includes attending this school to which s/he is applying. I think the purpose should be to make the reader realize that you are one of those rare people that actually ahs a plan for the future. Therefore, describe the driving experience as one that involves pondering your careers of choice. Describe driving and setting specific goals.

Undergraduate / "Fashion and writing"- The Fashion Institute of Technology Admissions Essay [5]

If I could combine these two areas together , as s done in the "name of major" program at the Fashion Institute of Technol ogy, I would be able to pursue ...

You can make a list of all ideas expressed in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph and write a story that shares some of those ideas. The story can comprise paragraph 2. Then, whatever ideas were not covered in the story can be covered in the revised paragraph 3.

So, it is all about rearranging.

In the process of rearranging you can "say it in fewer words." I like the intro a lot!

Undergraduate / "Nanobots and Mobile Supercomputers" Brown Engineering Supplement [3]


Ha ha ha ha, you are cool. Well, okay, this is great, but the concept is too simple. You are just writing about practical application for theory, which is not lacking in our scientific community. So, I think you should add a new concept to specify a more particular focus... like, precisely how you want to be involved with applying theory. I think you should express this idea:

It was t These comments that made me realise that while the theory is still very important, and can exist merely to satisfy our curiosity, there should also be people who look at the the most meaningful process is not in the development of theory but in its application; I want to be part of the effort to find novel ways to use it to solve problems.

:-)

Undergraduate / Subjects in which I have excel or excelled in and factors (Writing and Math) [2]

Change this to past tense:
When I would be given a writing assignment for a specific topic, I panicked . I wouldn't know...

If you are talking about more than one person (or more than one thing) use an s:
My parents are immigrant immigrants from Ethiopia and only spoke to me...

A program that I have been involved in and is am still activity involved in is called Common Bond Community.

As I grew older and was at an age of that made me qualified to volunteer, I decided ...

2 n's in this word: enviroment environment

You are writing very well. Keep reading aloud and writing; keep practicing all the time! I like the honesty and clarity of these essays.

Undergraduate / "Its not an easy thing moving and living in another country" - UW application [3]


This needs an apostrophe: It's

I would revise that first sentence:
Moving and living in another country are not easy, because your life as you know it changes. It can be a hard dilemma, and that was exactly what I had to face.

Here is another run on sentence: I had no say in

whether I wanted to go or not, I just went. ----The comma should be a period.

Again here: Classes were very different in Ethiopia than in America, there was much more

seriousness and more dedication to school work.

Classes were very different in Ethiopia than in America. There was much more

seriousness and more dedication to school work.

*** This is correct, because a semi-colon can be used instead of a period: It set up a

cultural identity for me; I knew about who I was, were I came from, what language I

speak, and all about my family.

**** The most important rule for you to learn is when to end the sentence with a period and start a new sentence. I hope you read the newspaper or some EssayForum essays to practice. For example, look at this paragraph I am typing now, and you will see the correct way to use periods and end sentences. If you want to write a long sentence, you can use a conjunction. I will give you 2 examples below to show the correct way to write sentences:

incorrect: I had complained about not wanting to go to but my mother always knew what was

better for me, I wonder to this day what would have happened If I had stayed in America

and never went to Ethiopia and not ever known about who I really was and where I really

came from.

This is correct: I had complained about not wanting to go, too, but my mother always knew what was better for me. I wonder to this day what would have happened If if I had stayed in America and never went to Ethiopia, and never knew about who I really was and where I really came from.

Google this: comma splice
Google this: how to avoid run on sentences

:-)

Graduate / "Being a leader in carbon capture" - my SOP (PhD Chemical Engineering) [5]

I think it is very professionally written, and I think you make an impression as a serious, motivated scholar.

About the quality of the essay, I think the best essay is one that conveys an idea that the reader never thought about before. This essay expounds your plan very well, and it is impressive that you have a plan, but you can make it even better if you use a unique, memorable theme.

Graduate / Post grad motivation letter (MSc in Mechanical Engineering) [2]


I think it is great that you wrote Madam/Sir instead of "Sir/Madam." People usually use the male title first, and some people do not use the female title at all. So, it is good that you help to balance it out!

Ever since from my early childhood, I used to have fixed things -- sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly. no matter in right way or the other.

Sometimes, it was a perfect match while some time at other times it was a wild goose hunt.

I was always curious about the amazing stuffs stuff, fr om simple toys to flying machines.

enigamtic enigmatic

The Netherlands caught my eyes located near Germany, Belgium and the beautiful North Sea. Moreover, English is widely spoken.

The Netherlands ...

Being slightly from a different field makes it Mechanical Engineering more challenging to me.

:-)