Essays / Very confused on my Thesis statement. AP Euro History class [7]

During the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries some women began to break social norms as they ventured into the world of the sciences,"

As for the rest, "and these women were met with a whirlwind of conflicting attitudes; the attitudes from enlightened intellectuals were positive, and as were the attitudes from fellow women scientists; but, attitudes from non-enlightened scientists and traditional women were negative and filled with discontent." I suggest you rephrase, stating all three groups and their attitudes in parallel form.

Essays / Divorce, arranged marriage, economic crisis - Illustration Essay [9]

If you are having trouble coming up with ideas, you can always go with option 3 and surf around to see what people are saying about the current economic crisis, which, like most economic downturns, actually is good in much the same way that a wildfire in a forest can be cleansing.

Undergraduate / 'too late for the election' - Brown U. Supplement - Academic Interests [5]

I agree with the others -- this is a good, solid essay.

Undergraduate / Michigan Essays (diversity, economics, setback) [9]

"which I wanted to implement through the capacity of board member" could be changed to "which I wanted to implement as a board member." Likewise, "I believe that nothing is a stronger motivator than passion" could become "Nothing motivates as strongly as passion." The fewer words you use to express yourself, the stronger your writing.

Undergraduate / Common Apps Short Question- 'A community service experience' [10]

I think "cum" is being used correctly here. According to dictionary.com, its definition is "with; combined with; along with (usually used in combination): My garage-cum-workshop is well equipped." So, presumably you mean that the experience involved an activity that combined elements of the road show with elements of a volunteer festival.

Writing Feedback / for IELST...." sports or physical course is importmant "essay [5]

Try to pay attention to your use of articles. So, for instance, "In these years, huge of schools dropped away the sport or physical courses" should be "in recent years, a huge number of schools have dropped their sports and phys ed courses."

Also, try to use full sentences, rather that sentence fragments. So, "Not only help body strength, but also more understand our body" should be "Not only can can sports help build physical strength, but they can also impart to us a greater understanding of how our bodies work."

Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Short Answer (varsity sports and various clubs) [5]

When writing, try to be as concise as possible. For instance: "During my years as a high school student, football has taught me many lessons which I will carry on throughout the rest of my life" could be rewritten as "Playing high school football has taught me many enduring lessons." Which is only 10 words instead of 25, yet says the exact same thing.

Undergraduate / submission question (I my common app at 12:01) [9]

I'm guessing that slightly late application essays are common enough that most universities are prepared to be at least somewhat forgiving.

Undergraduate / Last Minute MIT additional essay ("a turning point of my life") [3]

A few more suggestions:

"According to the philosophy of Confucius and thousands years of tradition, examination is the only way to judge a person's merits"

"Looking back, I've learned one thing"

Undergraduate / 'I live in Bangladesh' - Macalester Supplement...I think its a bit off-topic. [6]

If you are most interested in sharing your love of cricket, then yes, you should delete the part about your mother. Grammatically there are a few things you can improve on:

"As I was batting, I saw a new light in the horizon" You normally see things on the horizon.

"That's when it recalled the things she said to me" Not quite sure what the "it" refers to here. Maybe you mean "I"?

"Cheering and rooting for me." That's a sentence fragment.

Undergraduate / 'I live in Bangladesh' - Macalester Supplement...I think its a bit off-topic. [6]

Hmmmm . . . you seem to switch from talking about your difficulties in coping with your mother's illness to talking about your discovery that you wanted to play cricket for no apparent reason. Maybe you should decide which of the two experiences you most want the reviewers to know about, and focus exclusively on that one.

Undergraduate / FSU essay ("traditions and customs that have become a part of my life") [11]

As an example of the sort of grammatical fixes you should make throughout your essay:

"The three Latin words -- Vires, Artes, Mores -- signify strength, beauty, character respectively. All three concepts apply to my early years. Vires, symbolizing strength of many different kinds, has the most significance for me. During the past years of my life, I have been constantly searching for ways to come out on top by always seeking new challenges. Throughout middle school, I took classes that were above the level of most other students. In high school, I continuously challenged myself still further by taking honor courses, then AP courses. My math skills have consistently been recognized as being among the best of any student in my classes. I finally reached the highest level of math course in high school, Calculus BC and am one of only eighteen students in my graduate class to take this course."

Graduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR CHINAMANO ELWIN TINASHE- [4]

My first thoughts are that this is a bit bland. You speak in very vague, general terms, which isn't very interesting. Try to give specific examples that demonstrate your points. Instead of saying "I learned the value of teamwork and become more solution oriented, adapting to a constantly changing work environment while maintaining good working relationships with individuals of different cultural backgrounds," give an example of one way in which you adapted and became solution-oriented. In other words, tell the reader about a specific solution you implemented. Do the same thing for your other points, and you'll have a much stronger paper.

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement Why this school ("Bill Nye the Science Guy show") [4]

In this case, the first paragraph seems distinctly on topic. I'd definitely keep it. Perhaps you can revise it so that you don't use the word "Science" seven times in the first hundred words you write, though. Use synonyms, or, if you can't think of any, combine sentences.

Undergraduate / 'Korean engineer' - University of Washington essay [6]

I'd get rid of the first paragraph altogether, and start right in with the paragraph on Taemong. At some point, you should explain how being named after a seashell relates to being an engineer, but I assume you already know that.

Undergraduate / Which "Why Tufts?" essay is better? [6]

I'd go with the first one, but make the replacement.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Short Essay [3]

What seems off is the fact that the prompt asks you specifically to talk about your expectations for your academic journey, whereas you talk a lot about the importance of extracurricular activities, which has nothing really to do with the topic. Revise to focus more on what you hope to achieve academically.

Book Reports / Oedipus Rex & Antigone- essay *need help with thesis* [7]

The core of this passage relates to the concept of hubris. Namely, too much pride is bad. The words apply to Oedipus in Oedipus Rex because he insists on ferreting out the truth, even when everyone keeps telling him that doing so is a bad idea, until at last he discovers that he is guilty of patricide and incest, and blinds himself in a fit of despair and madness. the words apply to Creon in Antigone because he insists on not granting his slain foe a proper burial, which eventually results in his losing his immediate family to various forms of suicide.

Undergraduate / For one summer I become someone else; Common App short answer [4]

Yes, this is better.

To shorten it, cut out redundancies. For instance

"While the experience of working in an office environment prepared me for what I had always been reaching for as an aspiring lawyer,"

Can be rewritten as

"While working in an office was part of preparing to become a lawyer"

This change alone saves nine words, and the rest of it can be revised similarly. Also, on an unrelated note:

". . . a group that focuses on the needs of the Hispanic market and ways that companies can better reach it ."

Undergraduate / Uva favorite word - Uncertainty [3]

You might want to revise the essay structure to deal with the different meanings of "uncertain." At points, you seem to be using the word as it pertains to meanings, using it as a synonym for "ambiguous" or "open to multiple interpretations," as when you say "While discussing works of literature with my peers, I choose not to blindly accept their beliefs and views as the only truths, but instead question their stances to better understand my own views and assumptions." At other times, you seem to be going with uncertainty as it pertains to outcomes: "Pursuing a career in neuroscience requires this embracing of uncertainty since much of this thriving field has yet to be discovered, and so is uncertain." If you were to either make this distinction explicit, or choose to focus on only one of these meanings, you might get a stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / writing technique advices for the essay " regular and election days" [8]

Well, in your introduction, you say that the two types of days are "totally" different, but then go on to say there are similarities, which is contradictory. Also, you don't summarize any of the specific similarities and differences you plan to talk about in the body of the essay, which you should do to make the intro a roadmap for the reader. You should probably have at least three main points. Each of these points would then get fuller treatment in its own paragraph, giving you three body paragraphs. Then, in your conclusion, you would have a lot to summarize and draw together. That's the standard five-paragraph essay format, at any rate.

Undergraduate / NYU supplements ("My mother and I are filial") [2]

"My mom has phone calls to my grandmother weekly to chat with random topics. My mom also invites my grandmother out to lunch often" Try instead: "My mom call my grandmother weekly and often meets her for lunch." Add more about what you like or dislike about the quality you have chosen as well.

"Through martial arts, people can learn self defense and have a chance to exercise.

"In a talent show, the audience consists of many different age levels. " Omit this. It has nothing to do with the topic.

For number 4, rewrite to focus more on why you are interested in accounting.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay ("The final decision was based on me.") [3]

"The final decision was based on me. I would shape my future by making a decision myself. Having lived in India for sixteen years, it was not easy for me to make a decision to move to the U.S. within the next few days." You might want to just cut this and start from "Should I go or not?"

You might want to mention other factors that played into your decision, rather than making it seem as if you simply took your father's advice without taking much time for reflection.

Grammatically, you should make sure you use the right tenses. So, for instance:

"If I accepted my dad's proposal of moving to the U.S. for higher studies, wouldn't I miss all my family members and friends with whom I had spent sixteen years of my life?"

"I am hopeful that I will always cherish my decision."

Undergraduate / is this topic "my world" worthy? [3]

You should probably work on adding more specificity and clarity to your essay. For instance: "As time went by, I found myself greatly confused with my own identity and sinking into what seemed like a cultural mesh." What exactly did you find confusing? can you provide concrete examples of things that confused you? And when you say "Speaking English almost everywhere and 'chilling' with my friends at movies and cafes, I learned how easy it is to slowly reject my traditional beliefs" Do you mean that you now, having avoided this fate, avoid also ever speaking English, hanging out with friends, and watching movies? Or have you found a way to integrate these activities into a sense of identity that includes aspects from other cultural backgrounds? If so, which elements, and how?

Undergraduate / Emory Supplement - ("I first heard of Emory through a friend") [4]

I'd say you need to do some research about Emory, and find something out about it that you can relate to. For instance, is there a particular academic program you want to pursue? Is it part of some historical trend you want to join? If it's the atmosphere (as you seem to imply) elaborate on what that atmosphere is exactly and on the sorts of things, such as the "vivid red rooftops," that generate it.

Undergraduate / BU supplemental - ("differences between New York City and Boston") [2]

Is this an essay answering the question of "why BU" or is it actually meant to be a comparative essay looking at NYC vs. Boston? If the former, you're on solid ground. If the latter, you meander off-topic fairly quickly. A couple of other points:

"The numbers say it all"

"Ever since I hit puberty, I vowed to attend a college out of state, and now in late adolescence, I feel that this vow that is still warranted. However, my rebellious early teen years caused me to despise my family to a point that I now regret. My dislike for my family has now numbed, and I find them bearable at a relationship of limited contact." I don't know that this is something you necessarily need to share with the admissions people.

Undergraduate / Why Boston University? - One look at the Boston University website had answered all my prayers [3]

Overall, this seems to be on the right track. A couple of minor things:

"Furthermore, my nomadic lifestyle inspired my fascination with other countries around the world."

"My interest was further strengthened when I read about the many opportunities available for pursuing a dual degree!"

Undergraduate / [Supplements] NYU Short Answers - Is the content GREAT? What can I add/remove? [2]

For the characteristic one, instead of "insecure," perhaps you should go with "cautious."

For the third one, why syphilis? Of all the diseases you could try to raise awareness of, and of all the other social causes you could champion, why this one?

For the fifth one, you need to work on smoothing out your transition from talking about math to talking about accounting.

Hope some of this helps. Happy New Year.

Undergraduate / Stanford--why a good place for you? ("stereotypical Asian parents") [9]

Your first paragraph can be eliminated. It has nothing to do with why Stanford is a good place for you. It is merely a very long-winded statement of the idea that it is a good place for you, something that the prompt already assumes. You could replace the material lost by cutting the first paragraph by elaborating on why the aspects of Stanford mentioned in your second paragraph are important to you.

Undergraduate / For one summer I become someone else; Common App short answer [4]

You might want to rework this so that you talk a bit more about what you learned from the experience, how it helped you grow, etc. At the moment, you are mostly just summarizing what you did, and saying that you enjoyed it.

Undergraduate / Rice University Supplement [Short] [4]

Yes, you could shorten the intro. In fact, you could eliminate the first paragraph altogether, if you wanted to. The postcard may have been the thing that first brought the university to your attention, but it isn't really what motivated you to apply. You'd probably be better off expanding on some of the points in your second paragraph, especially the "rigorous academic study" part, which is currently eclipsed by the "fun student traditions."

Undergraduate / 'Knowledge exchange / uneducated family / Math award' - Tuft app short answers [5]

A few suggestions:

"Tuft's financial aid program is also an important factor in my decision to choose Tuft." You may wish to omit this detail.

"they had to work to earn money to support themselves as well as me"

"I need to learn to communicate and cooperate with others,"

"Because of that I study hard at school, finding as many as problems to practice everyday to keep my skill sharp, and hoping that someday I can be a successful person."

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplement (choice of school colors) [6]

Yes, I am familiar with the concept of scarcity. However, the term actually means "rare." Things that are rare are often, but not always, valuable. Nor does the term have any special connection to the idea of innovation, so that the way you have used the term is confusing.

Undergraduate / Yale: Your choice essay. "My Gift" [4]

"Instead, I think of the wonderful personal qualities that ADHD characterized me to be" Try "Instead, I think of the wonderful personal qualities that ADHD has cultivated in me" or some such instead. Otherwise, I think your new draft is much stronger. Good job.

Undergraduate / Why BU? ("the button labeled Play") [4]

I'd say this is a good, well-written essay. It's interesting, and you make some strong connections between the song and your desire to attend BU.

Undergraduate / 'Babysitting to earn cash' - Notre Dame Supplement [3]

Solid essay overall. You might want to elaborate a bit on exactly how you intended to use your communication skills to benefit Notre Dame, though.

"I developed a passion for, not only interacting with, but understanding children." Eliminate the first comma.

Undergraduate / MIT Essay -- "I am a physics anomaly." [4]

Overall, a very well-written essay. Just one thing -- you mention that "The cataclysmic clash was inevitable," a theme you refer back to throughout your essay, but nothing in any of the examples you describe can reasonably be described as "cataclysmic." Interesting, educational, diverse, any or all of these things, perhaps, but "cataclysmic" not so much. There is nothing particularly violent in the dual life you describe, or destructive. Nor do you describe any real change arising from this. Slow development, yes; sudden, drastic, fundamental change, no.

Undergraduate / Visual Basic - Notre Dame supplement (difference) [3]

Not bad. You have a very specific experience that you focus on, which is good. The experience highlights several of your positive personality traits, which is better. Your style, on the other hand, is a bit rough. Most obviously, you rely heavily on weak verbs, such as forms of "to be" ("Was," "is," etc.) as well as forms of "to have," "to make," and "to get." Go through and revise this draft to eliminate as many instances of these weak verbs as you can, replacing them where possible with stronger alternatives.

Undergraduate / An experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this change you? [2]

My first thoughts:

"my father always took me to the undergraduate studying fair" Always? You might want to use a different word. It doesn't really go with "to get the very first idea" later on.

"It was secondary school that I was in and it was not early anymore" Wow. Three instances of "was" in one sentence. Revise using stronger verbs.

Hmmm . . . perhaps you should talk more about how you finally overcame your fear of public speaking at the end.

Undergraduate / JMU Personal Statement-Special Interests [2]

A love triangle normally involves three things (hence "triangle"). You list two: science and law. This could be a problem. You might also want to focus in more detail on which sciences you like best, how they connect to law via criminology, that sort of thing.