Undergraduate / "I like making art" - SAIC statement of intent [3]

I think you can omit the word making, because the word doing expresses the idea that you are referring to:
I like making art because it is one of the few things that I feel comfortable doing.

Combine these sentences for efficiency:
From a young age, I ha ve found myself drawing when I am upset, stressed or even when I am happy. My passion for art started at a young age when I would draw just about anything.

hyphen:
...and contain a child-like aspect to them, which ...

Nice job! It seems like you can use this essay to share one of your most important insights about visual art. Looking back on the essay now, what is an insight that you have had in the past few years... something you can share with the reader while describing the kinds of art you do?

What is the main idea of the essay? I like the idea of including child-like art with more sophisticated methods... if you expand on that idea, it will be great.

Essays / Paragraph / Thesis Statement Check - Releasing of Government Information [2]


Well... someone who wants to argue the opposite point of view would say the government should be run in ways that would not make us have a negative opinion about it.

This essay will be fuerte if you expound both sides of the argument. Really, the way to make an essay fuerte is to start by writing several paragraphs about various concepts you read about in articles, and THEN write your thesis statement at the end. Know what I mean?

Kids make it too difficult on themselves when they try to make a thesis statement and then search for info to support it. It is better to find info and then see how it all adds up before writing the thesis statement.

Also... "negative outlook on the government..."

:-)

Undergraduate / How world event shaped you - Human Genome Project - Vtech [4]

Awesome, this one is a winner.

Use a comma:
It was a fascinating subject, and it was easy to recognize how important it would be to gain...

efficiency:
I plan to unearth the answers as to how to questions about genetic diseases come to be and how to cure them.

I dream of a day in the not-so-distant future in which, much like I had to with Gregor Mendel and Okazaki fragments, students in some classroom somewhere will be committing to memory my name and the discovery associated with it. to memory.

Undergraduate / "Playing in a Professional Event"- Prompt 2 [3]

I think that is good advice. A little more info about First Tee will be good. Just a few words...

Also... check this out:
I felt pressured ... I felt accomplished ...I felt relieved .... I felt proud ....I feel accomplished

Too much! The essay gets a little repetitive. It is important, when that happens, to add a new dimension to the theme. You need to have something else to say, something interesting and related to golf. It can be anything, really, but you should compound the theme and add a second message to the reader. It is not enough to just talk about how you felt, etc. Try making some kind of analogy or making golf symbolize something else... or compare it to something pertaining to your chosen school or major, etc.

:-)

Essays / the YMCA Achievers program, Illinois Essay #2 - activity/experience [3]

During my freshman year in high school, there was much talk about the YMCA, which I was not a part of. --the next sentence makes this clear, so this detail is superfluous.

I wondered what the YMCA was all about. I figured it could not be that great.----hahha, that is funny...

...about the YMCA were their there, looking as if they were enjoying their time.

... learned many valuable assets in the process.---I don't think you can learn an asset.

This essay is pretty good. I see that you asked about how to end it. You should end it by sharing an idea with the reader. What is the important idea you can share? It will become the most meaningful theme of the essay. Think about what you want to leave the reader thinking of when she finishes reading. Maybe something related to your careers of interest? What careers do you have in mind, and what do they have to do with the ymca?

Good luck! :-)

Undergraduate / "Curiosity for knowledge" - Common App #4 Hermione Granger [3]

Boring first sentence. It is written in a cool way, but it actually is kind of obvious and common. "I have an insatiable curiosity about XXX... I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge... anyone can say that, and it is not very specific.

Here is a place where a sentence would be better off without "that."
I am now a senior in high school, and I can proudly say that I watch PBS religiously.

Okay, I am sorry to criticize; I just want to tell you the first thing that comes to mind is that you are making yourself out to be a child prodigy, and the way that the Harry Potter character inspired you seems... contrived, I guess. Yet, this seems like a great idea for an essay! I actually am not sure what I think.

After pondering this for several minutes, I think I know what my problem is: itis typical and common for kids to talk about how they were like little prodigies when they were young, and that is the part I don't like. It will be better if you specify a few specific areas of knowledge that interest you most. That will enable you to follow the writing rule, Show, Don't Tell.

Also, it would be great to give a paragraph about this phenomenon: people keep each other down by making them feel stuck up when they talk about new knowledge they gained. (That is a wicked cool concept for an essay).

:-)

Undergraduate / "International conservation internship in Costa Rica"-UC transfer prompt 1 [3]


Wow, Julia, this is a cool phrase.. I like your writing.

I often recommend enable instead of allow for this kind of situation:
...would allow me to become more ...

In a compound sentence, use a comma: My hard work and perseverance paid off, and shortly after I left for Costa Rica.

Same here:
There was no running water or electricity, and ...

This is great. I think you should write a little more at the end, though, about how this helped you to make your decision. Can you explain, at the end, a little more about the career you envision now that you had this experience?

Undergraduate / "My mother said: 'Don't Cry' and died"- UC prompt #2 [5]

It did answer the first part of the prompt, but not the second.

This part does answer the second part a little:
The struggle was a time of self discovery -- showing me how easily love can be ripped from my heart without my having any say in the matter, but also how I can overcome ---this is a great sentence. I just had to make a little change.

But the person you want to become is a particular kind of person who deserves some more description. You have values that are different from mine, so it is possible to characterize yourself a little with some description. Give the reader a glimpse of your future.

I lost a parent when I was 32, and I almost couldn't handle it. I wonder how it must be to endure that when you and your mother were both so young. I hope you find consolation in poetry by Rumi: the sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house... multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes; it does not exist in the juice. Google this:

rumi our death wedding
Maybe it'll give you an insight that will enable you and her to have some more time together in your daily life.

Undergraduate / "Datch; all my twin and I need is one word" - influential person [5]

should I worry about people stealing my essay---nope, no one would steal it! :-) Just kidding, of course they would. So... it is best to add your real name to your profile so that it appears in your posts. That way, anyone who googles the essay will find it here, with your name and the date you wrote it.

We fight as animatedly as two gestating lionesses. You know, like normal sisters.--ha ha, wow, very cool. You are a great writer!!

As I get to paragraph 3, though, I wonder what the main idea of the essay is. I think an essay is good if I can express its message in a single sentence. Can you? What is the message?

Here is a grammar correction:

Hopefully, I have had even at least a slightest slight fraction of an imprint on her the amount of influence on her as she has had on me.

My favorite sentence:
In retrospect, I did not do anything in particular to gain Charlotte, yet I would do anything to keep from losing her.---I wish this sentence occurred in the first paragraph.

GREAT ending!!

Well, I don't think anyone can steal your idea, because it is so unique that it can only apply to you. I'm glad we have you at EssayForum. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page.

Undergraduate / "playing on a lacrosse team" - Vires, Artes, Mores FSU (how to start?) [3]

Well, the topic seems totally generic. Do you actually have something to say about it? Don't be offended by my candor; I just want to point something out in case it helps you avoid an error: too often, kids write about something without really having anything to say.

your job is to search for the spirit of vires. Where did you find it? Is it strengthened in the company of others who share a common purpose? What is the THEME of your essay, the message?

It can be about Lacrosse, but only if you have a real message to share.

:-)

Essays / Comparison report: comparing two people who are working as a team [4]

Results? You need a results section when you do a research study. So... the results usually pertain to a hypothesis. They tell whether the hypothesis was confirmed by what you observed.

The only thing that seems like it is about a hypothesis is this:


If you tell what you expect, then it will be easy to write the results, because the results can consist of what you observed actually happening and if they confirmed the hypothesis.

To see examples, search a database of research articles and look for these search terms:
hypothesis, method, literature review, results...

if you read 5 of the articles, you will probably find one with a "results" section.

good luck!

Scholarship / "A volunteer student from Tajikistan" - volunteering community essay [3]

Often, you can get rid of the word "that" and improve a sentence:
However in my community some people think that volunteering is just wasting your time.

Volunteer programs should care about orphaned children, poor families, elderly persons, disabled people or those suffering illness. sickness .

Some of them totally have no family, or relatives they are absolutely alone.

In the list, use ing for every verb: Basically volunteer programs should do simple things like buying toys for orphans, motivating young generation to school, helping poor families, reading a book to sick persons, or just simply visiting them, and this makes them feel that they are not alone.---now it is a great sentence!!!!

Going to US the United States, making American friends and meeting them in real person are my child dreams and goals.
To "meet someone in person" means to meet them face-to-face nstead fo via Internet of phone.

By participating in any type of college activities, groups or clubs, I can make American friends and make my dream to become true. ---great sentence!!!

Hopefully this program would be able to help me pursue my dreams and goals unhelpful sentence.

While in the US United States, I am...

So that wh When I return home I can share it with college friend and make our community a better place to live.

Great job!! :-)

Writing Feedback / India's Possible Rise in the 21st Century above the West - Globalization Paper [2]

Like the former globalization, it also depends on the cheap labor of Indians, and like it, there is still a strong western influence and hold on India.---I crossed out some words to make it less awkward.

When you use a quote, it is best to use commas. Look for the 2 commas I added below:
The development of computers and the internet, where, "global fiber-optic network [...] has made us all next-door neighbors," has given ...

In this sentence, "some---> other" is probably better than "many----> many"
Although capitalist globalization is pulling many some people out of poverty very quickly, many other people are being left behind.

If you are using MLA, you should put the punctuation AFTER the parenthetical reference:
You have to bribe to get electricity." (Flat 377).
You have to bribe to get electricity" (Flat 377).

...the governments, " cannot deliver to the poor the schools an infrastructure they need to get a fair share of the pie" (283).

... respect ourselves" (Maz 144).

You write very well!!!!

Graduate / "business models become creative challenges" - SOP for PhD Management Strategy [3]

Hi Mayura, thanks for joining EF. If you want to show appreciation, you can help me give advice to all these hundreds of people who are submitting essays lately. I can't keep up! :-)

Marrying these two arguments leads to a subject that has engaged my interest, both professionally as well as personally, and which I believe is significant in today's global environment.--This is not quite right, because the first was a question and the second was like an answer to the question. Instead of mentioning the "2 arguments" I think you should show how the second paragraph answers the question posed in the first paragraph.

...be leveraged to develop businesses strategies/networks/services for and in emerging economic markets? ---now that you are posing another question, I think you should answer the question immediately by adding a SHORT sentence to the end of this paragraph. That will make the meaning clearer.

Hey... the question they ask is about the "role" of design as a core competency for large multinationals. So... I think you should have less autobiographical info and more arguments so support your answer. Also... I think you should try to sum up your answer to their question in a single sentence. That is always powerful and memorable. Know what I mean?

It seems like this should be a bit like a research paper. You need facts and quotes to support your argument about the role of design.

Good luck with this!! I hope I helped!

Dissertations / Firming the topics for phd in marketing [2]

Hi Suganya,

The process goes like this: Read about the research methods you are allowed to use -- quantitative and qualitative. Write a few notes about the ones you like.

Find some research articles that use a method you like. For example, if you like surveys, you can search your article database for these words: marketing, strategic, survey, participants, literature review

But do you have any areas that interest you more than others? For example, maybe you are interested in internet marketing for companies selling educational products.

So you can search for articles with these terms:
"internet marketing" literature review, educational, survey research, participants

I want you to choose a subject in the field of marketing, and I want you to choose a research method. Search for articles that use your research methods with topics of interest to you.

You have to read MANY articles in order to do this. You have to become an expert on what is happening in recent years in people's research of a particular topic that interests you. Start reading!

Did I help?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Compare the advantages and disadvantages of media for communicating information [2]

Media per se is a powerful communicating tool for human beings. ---This sentence is obvious, and obvious things are boring. It is better to find an interesting sentence to use at the start of the essay.

Unfortunately, a book will become out of date after some years later, it is ...
OR
Unfortunately, a book will become out of date after some years, later , it is expensive, its ...

...preservation and storage are expensive, and many more disadvantages can be observed as well..

There is no need to use "the" below:
...gift to the humankind. As radio, television provides ...

There is a rule called "number agreement" you can use here: These programmes deviate and spoil the minds of those who are vulnerable. (minds and those are both plural.)

:-)

Undergraduate / "My first building block is the computer" + "Hired a babysitter" - ED college [7]


That is nice of you, thanks!As for the title of the essay, one of the mods probably changed it so that it would express the TOPICS covered in the essays. That is what we need to do. I'll change the title if you suggest a new one that reflects the topics. Sorry about that! :-)

I like the way you used Aristotle's quote, and I think at the end of that essay you should show how your "parts" add up to something more... If it was my essay I would use the words "sum" and "more" at the end.

Like As an example, when I worked ...

Thanks for sharing these! Congratulations on being accepted.

Undergraduate / "Hard work and profound interest: Major: Mechanical Engineering" - 700-Word Piece [2]

I view beauty to be as an essence of God's creation. -----the meaning is unclear. Do you mean that the nature of creation is beautiful?

Beauty is holistic. ---again, i don't understand what you mean. I think of holistic as a word that makes me aware that it is necessary to consider an entire system instead of just a part.

Therefore, I want to bear witness to this quality.

I view beauty to be existent perceive beauty in the field of engineering. ---the sentence was unnecessarily complex.

My love for nature has developed me to make this choice.

I think this part is great! I like it a lot. I think this should be the way you start the paragraph:
The true beauty of the engineering study lies with the attributes that make it up: With the study of Physics as the fruit of God's great imagination, alongside mathematics, as the means of precise logic behind physical events.

I am of no faint-hearted inclination. ---I like this sentence a lot. And I like many, MANY of your very poetic sentences. BUT I suggest you simplify for the reader. Count how many different ideas you tried to share in this essay. I think you will find more than 15 different ideas. I challenge you to make the essay more powerful by focusing only on 5 ideas, including one idea that is the MAIN THEME of the essay.

Your writing is great and complex... reflecting a complex mind... but for the reader to have a powerful experience, limit the number of themes/ideas you cover.

:-)

Undergraduate / "English major among the Japanese world" - UC prompt#1 [5]

Keep it in the past tense:
My parents supposed that globalization would advance, so it is was important for me to learn English language.

During high school, I joined in a field hockey club, and my team coach was an Australian. In spite of the fact that I learned speaking English for a long time, I could not understand what he said at first.-----hahahah! Yes, accents can change a language a lot!

That is why I decided to studying study abroad in America.

Now, I want to take a step forward to tackle the challenges associated with studying in University of California.---I changed this sentence in a way that might improve your arsenal of English words and phrases. "associated with" is a very useful phrase.

:-) Good luck! You seem like an awesome person.

Undergraduate / "The American Dream to help others not only in Ghana" common app essay [4]

Hi Linda, if this is going to be printed out, you can indent, but sometimes with online submissions you have to do a line break instead (i.e. don't indent, but skip a line.)

I like the intro, but where is the rest of the essay? Did we delete a post by accident?

Undergraduate / "Taking care of an Autistic and deaf boy" - extra curricular activity [3]

Put a period at the end.

Hey, this is as impressive as an extra-curricular activity essay can be. You did a great job, and it is kind of cool how you made the reader wonder what was going on until the end. Very good! I'm not sure I could have come up with something so good. :-)

Undergraduate / "Solitary Bus Rides"-UC Prompt #2 [5]


Nice! I love it already. This essay has something others don't -- a cool theme that draws my attention.
Challenge for Wendy: add one imagery word to the first paragraph.

Some early mornings, I wake up to the sleeping sun and ----in this paragraph, you have some imagery but not a lot of meaning.. just description.

At the end of the essay, and in that para I mentioned above... I think you should add some MEANING about "who you are." Who you are is someone going to college for a purpose. So connect your bus meditation to your college meditation, and the reader will be very impressed and persuaded.

:-)

Undergraduate / Singapore business - UC #1: family/society and my dreams! [4]

I almost suggested that you add a sentence to that short first paragraph, but then I noticed that your presentation has a lot of power this way... I like the whole essay, right up until the end. Here is a mistake at the end:

I want to communicate ideas to people; the work experiences I have gained over the past few months have only convinced me of that aspiration. ---added an s and a semi-colon (instead of a dash).

And... at the end instead of focusing on the uncertainty you have, focus on the goals you DO have. Set several goals... you can change them later. If you want to be impressive, choose multiple careers and set several goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / Sherlock Holmes and Computers - UC Prompt #2 [3]

The subject of the first part of the compound sentence is "interest," and the subject of the second part of is is "love." And in the second part, you use the passive voice.

I'll suggest an alteration: My interest in computers began the first time I played pinball on my dad's windows 93 computer, but I did not discover my love for computers until last summer.

Here, I'll cut an unnecessary detail:
That summer, my friend Jeff contacted me over the phone telling me his computer had broken down and that he wanted me to fix it.

Above, that is an important part of writing strategy... choose what is useful and what is not. "over the phone" is a valid detail, but not an important one. Stay focused on the experience you want to give the reader.

Awesome.. I can't suggest any changes, really. This essay clearly reflects you, and YOU are impressive because of your thoughtfulness and knowledge. Just go forth and work hard in college! You don't need my advice... :-)

Except one thing... capitalize Windows.

Undergraduate / "my mother's choice" - UC Prompt #1 "Openmindedness/LGBT" [4]

You can't just start a sentence with Matter of fact... the expression, a colloquial, is usually like this: As a matter of fact it is quite common for all varieties of the lesbian gay bisexual transgender (LGBT) community-------ALSO, you can't have "varieties of a community." You can have multiple representatives of the community. You can have all varieties of LGBT friends... but not varieties of a community.

My mother's unique friends are some of the more interesting people that I have met in my life, whether it's the gay hairdressers, who feel the need to take responsibility for the wellbeing of my hair, and playfully tease my mother with the term "fag hag," or the far more masculine lesbian couples with their interesting conversations and passion for manual labor. ----look at how long I had to make this sentence! I had to connect 3 sentences or they all would have been incomplete. "Whether" can only be used this way if it is a continuation of the previous sentence.

Great job, Zachary. I hope the AO reader is open-minded, too. hey, this essay is very interesting because of your strong writing style, but I think it needs another dimension added to it. Even though you are writing about having an open mind, if you write only about this issue and focus too much on it you almost seem like you are not as open-minded as you say. With a completely open mind, you would not even think twice about it, much less write a whole essay about it. So I think you should just add another example of how you have had to keep an open mind... something not even related to people's lifestyles... know what I mean?

Undergraduate / "Life is good! Put family first" - UC prompt #1 [3]

This sentence is missing a word:
With my family's Italian heritage, food has always been part of our way of life. ---food is part of everyone's way of life. I know what you mean, but add a word to make this more specific. Perhaps an adjective to modify "part."

Both my father and mother have put exerted a significant...

However, experience has shown me that not everyone is as fortunate enough to...

So my hope is to earn a college degree, develop a successful career and provide a good life for my future family. ---you can only do that if you have a plan! I tell all essayists the same thing: set some specific goals. It is not useful to just assert that you will earn a degree and be successful. Goal-setting is necessary, and if you have goals you should mention them here (i.e. dreams and aspirations)

:-)

Undergraduate / "standardized tests don't measure the quality" - UT, issue of importance [4]


Wow, Selina! You are a hero. I don't know if you realize how powerful it is when a kid is calling for education reform because she notices the low standards being used... Very cool.

I think you should change "defines" to "reflects," though.

Putting aside the manipulated cash flow, it is the decreasing value of education I find more troublesome.-----I don't know, Selina.. I think you defeat your own argument by showing that the education you got, however flawed, turned you into a very skilled writer!

I have undergone 9 years of mindless drilling. ----hahaha, my favorite part... Advice: when you use a number, write the word: nine. It looks nicer...

One A single test at the end of the year that holds the fate of a student's grade promotion or and possibly functions as the only thing standing in the way of a senior's diploma, the standardized test like these only provides for stress and a weak demand for education.

Undergraduate / "Different personalities and talents" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

I spent most of my life at the company, which is my own home that where I live in with three of my siblings.

When you use an apostrophe with a plural word, put it after the s:
other's mistakes in order to ...
friends' mistakes
teammates' mistakes
singular: My teammate made a mistake. My teammate's mistake made us lose the game.
plural: My teammates made a mistake. My teammates' mistakes made us lose the game.

...it is nicer to type the word instead of the number: my other 3 three siblings. I turn out to be the person...

You write very well! I hope you mention some goals for your future, though, so that the reader knows how serious you are about your plan.

Undergraduate / Growing up in Running Springs (UC Prompt: "Where you come from and your world") [4]

Hey, you have a very efficient writing style, and it is pleasant to read. This whole essay is great. The only gripe I have with you is about the end:


This is a nice assertion, but it does not fill the essay with meaning. The way to fill the essay with meaning is to show how the influence of your family and experiences has led you to become interested in subjects that gave rise to some SPECIFIC life goals. Some kids have goals, and others don't. Some have a detailed plan, and others don't.

It is not necessary to STICK with your plan. It may change many times. But at the end of this essay, describe one with clear goals that reflect your interests, which reflect your upbringing.

:-)

Essays / People enroll universitys because of increased knowledge [2]

Hi Mariam,

I moved this essay to a new thread. Please start anew thread when you post an essay. :-)

There are many various motives for this.---Personally, I like you say "many various," but some people might think you are making am mistake because "various" implies many (sort of). But anyway, it might be best to take out the word many.

I myself think that young people enroll universities in order to increase their knowledge.

... to meet the standards and for this college seems to be a perfect place.

In conclusion, I think that most people enroll universitys universities because of increased knowledge which is a guarantee of your future career.---I like this sentence! You are doing well. Keep practicing!!

Note: When a word ends in y and you want to make it plural, change the y to ies.
Example: University, universities, city, cities, dummy, dummies, bully, bullies.
But if it has ey just add an s: Monkey, monkeys, key, keys...

Graduate / "to work for the highest international organization" - M.SC ENV POLICY AND REGULATION [3]


Is this the main idea of the essay? If it is not, then it does not deserve the seat of honor at the end of the first paragraph. I think you should ADD a sentence at the end of the first paragraph and make it a sentence that tells the reader something you want her to remember after she finishes reading. When I finished reading, I was very impressed by your qualifications and thoughtfulness; considering them all together and thinking about your own unique message for the world, I think it would benefit you to establish a clear message for your essay to send in this first paragraph.

You have a typo here:
Highr the public outcry...

I think you should use " " marks here:
... the course module "Environmental Regulation: Implementing Policy."

I am keen to learn what goes into laying down of environmenta environmental policy,its regulation and governance.

Use a hyphen: 23 year-old

I do realize this would be a new chance to commensurate me with a new world in a way that could help me shape and fortify my own personality.---this is a very interesting sentence, but I think it might not be the best you can come up with for the end of the essay. Its meaning is not clear. Try revising it to leave the reader with an interesting concept.

:-)

Scholarship / "Opportunities of growth also in Chinese society" - Peace Corps #1 - Purpose [3]

I think you should look at each paragraph you wrote and make a list of all the ideas you share with the reader. When you list them, ask yourself what the message of the essay is. It is like finding the average of a set of numbers. Add up your ideas and get the average, the central theme of the essay.

If someone asked me what the main idea of your essay is, what would I say?
Google this: how to write a thesis statement
You are obviously a very impressive scholar, able to write very well. I just think you need to connect the paragraphs together with a central theme, expressed in a thesis statement.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I relish freedom and liberation" - Princeton Supplement - 2 Summers [3]

"You are a great student and we all are happy to have you." ----I changed a word so the grammar would be correct. It is not necessary to preserve the grammar error in their note.

I relish in the freedom and liberation of thought and action within the educational branches of a Princeton education.---I cut out some overly complex words. Also, you don't "relish in" anything. "Relish" = "savor" = "enjoy"

I do not enjoy in freedom. I enjoy freedom.

Google this: how to write a thesis statement
Add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph.

:-) Good luck, Miss Deanna!

Undergraduate / "intrigued how law works" - Why I want to be a Lawyer (intended major) [4]

I remember back in my freshmen year of high school I was arguing with my grade nine English teacher about a bad grade that she gave me in one of my essays. Because I knew that my essay was right on track, I composed an argument ...

Ha ha, very interesting! You have a great way of explaining your ideas.

But you can make arguments for purposes other than criminal defense. It is great to do what you are doing, but you can also do other things with your talent. Keep your options open.

Very good... as I finish reading, I feel confident about your future. You know, it is not uncommon for law students to get into politics. Maybe you will want to run for some office... Get involved in politics and see what interests you!

I think this essay is going to make a great impression because you have put more thought into the future than most teenagers do.

In the next essay, this ending seems strange:
I learned that I could offer the University of California my passion, my knowledge, experience, and most importantly my skepticism to learn new things because as Socrates once said this "The unexamined life is not worth living." None of this is really related to the theme of the essay. I think the ending should be revised to focus on the CHANGE that took place in you when you had tis experience of being "kicked out."

Undergraduate / "Torn Between Two Cultures: Vietnam and America" - Rutgers University [4]

I'm glad you joined EssayForum! And I wish it did not take so long for me to see your essay. You have a fascinating story.I like your roller coaster theme.

Coming from other countries, my parents would naturally force me I suppose it is natural for my parents to urge me into the culture in which they were raised.

...off the roller coaster that had disrupted part of misled throughout my journey.

Most importantly, you can strengthen the whole essay by adding a few sentences to that first paragraph so that the main theme of the essay becomes clear. In a sharp, focused way you should express the message of the essay in that first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Society that would give up a little liberty for a little security- too controversial? [3]

...and for airports to touch me in ways---- make a small change: ...and for airport security personnel to touch me in ways...

I understand terrorism is a cancerous problem, but __________ (make the argument that is expressed n the paper).

Terrorism will continue to get worse until This sentence is so powerful and specific... I like it and wish you could keep it, but actually it is not focused on the theme of the paper. Nevermind what terrorists might do. Use the first paragraph to make your argument about airline security.

Do not forget the important argument: the scanners are called ineffective because terrorists will just work around them.

Good luck with this!!

:-)

Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

You write very well. I had to stare at this for a long time to figure out what seemed to be missing...

It is a lack of description. Google "imagery word" and use some, along with action verbs to describe your IS. Just invest a sentence or two so that the reader can know precisely what IS is to you. That will make the whole thing more meaningful.

Though I could have went gone back to regular...

I have always excelled in school. However, when I entered Independent Study and started to struggle, I found a great flaw: I lacked the....gave me the time to take some college courses. In being an IS student, I learned the importance of time and going back to regular school seemed like a waste of it.----I counted 3 or 4 excellent ideas you expressed in these paragraphs, but I think they can be expressed in 50% of the words. You can identify the ideas expressed here and challenge yourself to express them all in a single, punchy paragraph... a paragraph chock full of meaning.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Affected By Family Member's Depression" - UC Prompt #1 [3]


"to learn the studies that"---These words should be omitted, because they are not quite right...

It seems like you are saying you want to get involved with medical research. I challenge you to use Internet research to find out as much as you can about the field of medicine in one hour.

What interests you? Cognitive therapy? Medicines? Research or practice or both?
you should use the Internet to find out all about your options so that you can get very specific in this essay and state your intentions.

:-)

Undergraduate / "School bullying is a despicable act" - Texas a&m, issue of importance [3]

...self destructed self-destructive behaviors associated with being bullied.

...year were full of brightness and full of excitement, until my bus rider friends made my life miserable.

This is a great story! I'm sorry you went through all that. Another topic you can cover if you want to add new dimensions to the essay is cyberbullying. Big kids bully each other physically because of their physical superiority, and computer-savvy kids bully others online because of their superior skill with Internet technology.

The way to guard against bullying is to be more capable than them in your own way. I think that is the secret.

Your essay tells a great story, but I think you have so much wisdom about bullying that it is a shame not to write a little more reflection at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The experiences that lead me to my dream(Business)"UC Prompt [5]

He (Name the creators of Facebook) simply saw a possibility and took advantage of it. With his success with the online community, I knew that my chances of creating a successful business was possible would improve if I was willing to put in the hard work to fulfill my dream. Successful businesses that have evolved ...

Here is an idea I had to improve a sentence... but only if you like ti this way:
When I was asked to brainstorm I took the initiative to step out of my comfort zone and stand apart from possible candidates by creating a detailed presentation of ideas for a dance theme. our Senior year,.

Use fewer words when possible:
Being able to Becoming fully engaged in the event ...---To the reader, this expresses the same meaning.

With this opportunity I was able to discover my passion for the field of business. Great idea, but instead of referring to a passion for business, simply state an intention to do something specific in a particular industry. Tell about a plan. It can be anything, but make it a specific example of a business aspiration that will require the same skills you used in this story about the dance project.

As a business leader I would be able to fulfill by dream of being apart of the solution to the problems we face as a nation and the world, rather than being part of the problem This is great, but replace the vague abstractions with a specific example.

. How I would be able to influence and make a difference through a small business would allow me to affect lives one step at a time. need a specific example instead.

So... do you see what I mean? You have a great writing style and a meaningful message to share with this essay, but when you talk about applying the skills in business use specific examples to show that you are thinking and planning for the future.