Writing Feedback / IELTS: some people argue modern works of art are not really art, people are being led [3]


... this is not grammatically correct, plus it fails to deliver your idea clearly.
Modern works of art are as equally valuable as those of previous eras.
Well... I think you need to work a lot on grammar. Try with simple correct sentences. Then move into writing more complicated sentence. Also limit one idea to one sentence. That'll give you a good start for writing.

Graduate / We successfully implemented the major project "Aid for blind people using image processing" [12]

I am passionate about innovating high performance and low power VLSI systems and find the process involved in generating new digital logic techniques to be extremely challenging and fulfilling.[/quote]

Tell the how your passion evolved and then how it was nurtured Then what you did in pursuing it.. Be more creative in presenting your case. I suggest you to visit the following site to get an idea about this.

uni.edu/~gotera/gradapp/stmtpurpose.htmquote=Akhilesh7.
Your SOP should not sound like a list of your credentials and achievements. It should convince the admission panel that you the right guy they are looking for.

Writing Feedback / GRE - 'Correlation between monitoring and productivity of the employees' [6]

Hi shadmann,
First, I'd like to request you to have a meaningful topic in the Subject field when you make a new post. It helps you to earn more feed backs because it attracts other's attention.


.... actually, the author's statement implies that monitoring has been the root cause for productivity enhancement. You better do not mention that in this line;

In the given argument, the author mentions that he/she has monitored the work of employees during the last six months and he further recommends that the employees need to be monitored to enhance their productivity levels. In other words, the author assumes that increase in productivity of these employees directly correlates with this activity of monitoring.

Writing Feedback / TOELF TOPIC:big party including lots of people VS small party including close friends [9]


... The way this idea is expressed does not provide your essay a catchy start. Express it more direct;
People celebrate various events of life such as birthday, graduation, attaining age etc. by hosting grand parties to share the happy moments with their friends and relatives.


... you better align this sentence more with the prompt;
For me, I would prefer to hold a bigger party inviting all my friends and relatives in order to create more interactive sessions with friends and relatives.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Technology Vs Survival of Traditional Cultures - Are they incompatible? [3]


I think you should first pay attention to the essay structure. This is the one that I generally recommend to those who prepare for IELTS and TOEFL. I guess you too prepare for one of them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: What factors are important in achieving happiness?Depend on individuals [5]

Good start. Only I wish you change part of this sentence;


Your prompt asks you to discuss the factors that contribute to happiness. So you better align the latter part with the prompt;
However it is not easy to define what happiness is and what factors exactly make one happy.
You can write well, but try to keep your writing aligned with what your prompt suggests. Also you should post these essays into writing feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial Discovery for people in my country in the last 100 years [7]


this has several isssues :( grammar, clarity, presentation :(
there are a lot of significant discoveries


.... you mentioned about your country and therefore you need to have a connection;
...it took only a few minutes for us to know
You need to pay attention to your grammar and clarity. Keep practicing and post your essays here... Also, include the purpose (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE????) in your post so that you expect to receive more relevant feed backs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 1: Quantities of goods transported in the UK between 1974 and 2002 [2]


.... illustrates is a better word.... Also I wish if you changed the this slightly;
The line graph illustrates the quantities goods transported in the UK during the period of 1974 to 2002.


.... well.... it's better to say transporting goods than moving goods....

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2 - people relationship has changed because of technology [3]


Overall, I am not happy with the introduction. In the introduction you have two tasks to perform; First introduce your prompt effectively and then state your opinion. This does not mean that you should have many big words in the intro. It means that you should present your prompt to the reader in an interesting manner. Second thing is you should express your position on the argument.

Writing Feedback / Case of a Loan for a Jazz Music Club in Monroe City; GRE Argument essay [3]



... well... your argument as to measuring profitability is correct... profitability depends on the factors you have mentioned and no doubt about that. However, the developers cite this factor to show that it has a great potential market ;


... this really does not talk about profitability direct, but talks about its business potential.

Writing Feedback / We can't claim that scandals are useful just because of the ability of getting attention (GRE) [5]


Scandal is a behavior or an event that people perceive as morally or legally wrong and it causes shock and anger among the public.


... you repeat the statement in your previous line.


.... you need to take this line to the next para.

Please note that you should post GRE essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / Living individual or staying in apartments is better [5]

Hi Naveen,
I would like to help you! First pay attention to your essay structure. Have a clear understanding about what you need to say in each paragraph. Then construct simple clear sentences.

Let's have a look at your introduction;


.... Here you do not introduce your prompt to the reader which you should do first'
Nowadays, people have two options for their housing needs. Either they can live in apartments or in individual housing units. Some people prefer the apartments while others prefer living in their own individual homes. For me, I prefer living in an apartment. .... with the first two sentences you introduced the topic and then you stated your opinion. So, this is your introduction.

Now you need to justify your opinion in the body paras. So give one reason in each body para and support it with an example;

First, apartments provide their residents with better security. On the other hand, people who live in their own individual houses need to worry about this aspect more. For example, condominium properties are built with many high tech security features such as CCTV cameras, alarm systems, 24 hour security guards etc. Therefore the residents get the full benefit of it. However, the individual houses very rarely have such features installed because of high costs involved with them and face many threats in terms of security.

Writing Feedback / Living individual or staying in apartments is better [5]


....this sentence soudsvery confusing. You should introduce your prompt
In a more simple, yet interesting way. Do not crowd your sentences unnecessarily. Tell your ideas in a more direct and simple manner and let them flow logically.

I suggest you to follow this structure:
Introduction: intoduce yourv topic. State your opnion.
Body para 1: State the 1st reason for your opinion. Provide an example to support thatreason
Body para 2: 2nd reason + example
Conclusion : yur final statement about your position

Letters / Request for help in the preparation of recommendation letters. [10]

quote=bepe5n], I would highly be very pleased to recommend him for Undergraduate programme in Agriculture Science department in your college.[/quote]


...this sounds repetitive... you said he's been an excellent student already. Now move on to tell his special skills, talents, attitude etc.


Based on Rimal's excellent academic accomplishments, we granted him a scholarship that sponsored 75% of his educational expenses in order to complete two year higher study program in our college.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; GRADES ARE A GOOD INDICATOR FOR ASSESSING STUDENTS [4]


.... good way to start :)
Grades are a good indicator for assessing the knowledge of students.


....plural form sounds better :)


Many teachers use examination results to assess their students' performance. Further, this system makes students more competitive.

Well... what's your prompt? Always include that with the essay so that we can have a good understanding as to what it asks. I feel the prompt talks about the examination system against assignments ... post your prompt here!

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze Issue;Best way to teach- praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [7]


... Well... I think you need to strengthen the link between the first two lines with the latter. Improve their relevance to your argument.
I found the following links that help students prepare for GRE task of Analyze an Issue. The second link would provide you with a scoring guide.

Writing Feedback / Traditional Foods Vs International Fast- Foods; Discuss [5]


...What your topic/ prompt means is slightly different from what you wrote ;


It clearly states that international fast foods impose a threat on survival of traditional foods and this trend has a negative effect on both families and societies. You have narrowed it down to say that fast foods have negative effects on families/societies by avoiding talking about traditional foods.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]


... Nowadays and modernization both have similar meanings and hence sounds repetitive.
quote=gmad06]These people claim that buying food is better than cooking oneat home since it is easier and less stressful. [/quote]



...excellent comparison :)
You write very well... Good flow, points, vocabulary and structure. Hope you managed time as well. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "There is too much violence in movies" [5]


.... you need to improve clarity. It does not flow well and better re-phrase.
Throughout your essay, I find very complicated sentences. You have good points, but you fail to express them in a simple, yet convincing manner. The reader finds it hard to understand what you try to mean in one go.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay Money is the best way to motivate people [10]


... you don't worry about that.... this is a forum that everybody shares their ideas and we expect all our members to respect each other. It does not matter how good your English is, but still you can give valuable inputs to others. That's the way to go forward and don't worry about what others think. You do an honest job :)


No... I don't want you to be.... that's why I warned you beforehand. :D
Your English is not as bad as you think and you can certainly provide more meaningful feed backs. By doing so, you too would improve more. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Relationship of Personal Happiness and Economic Success [7]



On one hand, economic success can greatly influence one's personal happiness.


... people is a plural word, so it should be;
people intend / man intends/ he intends/ they intend
You follow a good structure and have good points in your essay. Fine vocabulary too....Pay attention to grammar mistakes. Practice with time. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Depression...and a disorder. Personal Statement 1 / World I come from [2]


.... I feel it's good to break this sentence to a few parts, at least to two... Sounds a bit too long and the reader needs to keep things in memory to follow your writing.


[i]My mother is my inspiration, my role model and the one who played both motherly and fatherly figures.[/i ]

Graduate / "Well that's just my job", said Marcia; PA Narrative [3]


....too many "in" s;
In my case, this event had been the accident I met with in my senior year of high school that helped me find the direction I aspire to pursue in my life.


.... substantial? Why don't you add more value for this impact?
Also, I like if you have a stronger connection between her involvement and your personal recovery. Nothing much is said about your problem here.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay Money is the best way to motivate people [10]

... you can ... promote, encourage, motivate ; all these words are better than "stimulate"
I have a request for rozha - you may soon get caught for providing meaningless feedback and suspended if you continue to give very short feedbacks for others.Be careful!

Writing Feedback / What sort of knowledge and skills that universities should provide? [3]


All over the world, universities are regarded as the institutions that play the most important role in preparing students for future careers by enhancing their knowledge and skill levels.


.... this is wrong.... knowledge is always singular and there is no plural form because it is something that is not countable. Generally uncountable nouns do not have plural forms. e.g. information, knowledge

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should government support creative artists? [3]


.... yes, he's right. For this task,you need to support your reasons with examples that make the reader convinced. Otherwise everything would look like statements you make.


.... ok....now give an example for this case. I feel it's good to have one reason per para. Take the next reason to another para.

Writing Feedback / Continuous developments of zoo required towards a more comfortable and habitable for animals to live [5]

You write very well... However, what's the purpose of this essay? IELTS, TOEFL or GRE? It's good to mention that because then others can align their feed back with expectations of the task. Anyways, you have good writing skills :)

One more thing - you need to post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / "Only the academically able can be the elite of society." Do you agree? [4]


"Your mindset determines your destiny", this is a quote by Confucius, the famous philosopher.


.... this sounds repetitive... you shouldn't spoon feed the reader.


... this sounds very confusing.... what are you trying to say?
Also, you need to post this type of essays into "Writing Feedback" forum. Include the prompt together with your essay so that others have a clear idea what it expects.

Writing Feedback / Have we harmed the Earth or made it a better place? [6]


... global warming is just one of the results of harmful human activities. So, this sentence tends to narrow down the topic to one specific outcome. I feel you should introduce the prompt first.


.... express your position direct.
One more thing - You should post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum. Also, have a meaningful topic in the Subject field. These things help you earn more feed backs.

Writing Feedback / The influence of the internet has done more harm than good [6]

Well... I think you are pretty strong with grammar. However, you need to improve on vocabulary. If you don't use the most appropriate word where it is needed, then your ideas get distorted.

Here you use the word "lies" which may be alright in speaking. However, it is not the appropriate word for you to present this idea;

Further, there any many fabricated facts that one would find on the Internet. ... when you say " fabricated", it means that the actual idea is turned into something which is not true.

Again, you use the word "leader" for a professor.
Once a Canadian professor expressed positive sentiments on a company and many people believed his words because he was a famous learned person.

The best way to learn vocabulary is READING. Keep reading books, newspapers, articles... they help you pick the right words in right place :)

Writing Feedback / People do many different things to stay healthy. 'not skip our breakfast' [6]


.... well.... you can eat a big Mc burger for breakfast, but it is not a meal with dietary fiber. It's not the breakfast that has fiber, but the meal that you eat for breakfast.


... you are right....breakfast is important because it is the meal that you consume after a very long break. If you skip breakfast, then you would not have enough energy to carry out tasks that you need to perform during the day.

Undergraduate / Community service at the Morant Bay Infirmary; Extracurricular activity [4]


It's good if you tell all these things through your own experiences. That way your claims would be more convincing. Also, you do not talk much about the activities you were involved. Your prompt sounds like they need to know all those stuff;


Tell them what you learned through this experience that has a lasting impact on you as a person.

Writing Feedback / Describe a museum in Iraq [7]

Is this a topic for one of your speaking tasks? It's a pretty short prompt !
Well... whether it's speaking or writing task, you first need to introduce the topic to the reader. Give an introduction about museum. Tell what it does and its important. Then support the idea with an example like what you did in the essay.


The impact and value of the history and heritage on Iraqi people.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay Money is the best way to motivate people [10]


... the appropriate word there is "motivate" and not "stimulate" - Employers motivate employees to enhance their productivity.


...
However, we cannot deny that money is one of the best motivators and the one that most commonly used.


.... this sentence doesn't make much sense... you better rephrase or remove it
Also, please post all your TOEFL essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: GOVERNMENTS SHOULD BAN CIGARETTES AND OTHER TOBACCO PRODUCTS [5]


I guess there is no harm in including your position in the introduction. It affirms which stance you take and helps the reader to follow your reasoning easily.


Yes... this is important. Your first job is to introduce the prompt to the reader. So, you can get lots of help from the given prompt, but you should present it differently (don't copy it one to one). Then you can state your opinion.

Writing Feedback / In this materialistic world only people who earn a lot of money are considered succesful [5]


... pay attention to punctuation


... you are expected to justify your position in the argument in your body paragraphs. So, you need to start with the reason as to why you take that position. Then support the reason with a specific example.

Writing Feedback / SAT: Do changes that make life easier not necessarily make them better? [8]


... be a bit more descriptive.... may be people have forgotten the details of WW2 :D ...lol
the lives of Allied countries of World War 2


.... set time and practice. I also feel this is too short. But with practicing you'd improve a lot.

Writing Feedback / academic writing course "compare social science and natural since" [4]


However, which science, natural or social , could claim to be the one that makes more meaningful contributions to our society?
I guess it is better you give the reader a brief introduction about these two types of sciences and how they differ from one another at the start. You cannot expect every reader has that knowledge and it is your duty to educate them on the concepts that you are going to tackle.

Letters / Cover letter for Research statement for PhD (SCHOLARSHIP) [4]

I am currently a member of the research team at Satellite Navigation Center (NAVIS) [1] at the Hanoi University of Science and Technology. I have been involved with the NAVIS's laboratory research works for the last three years playing a prominent role in the projects that I was involved with. Based on my knowledge, experience, background and achievements, I believe I am a right candidate for this scholarship.

Graduate / I have a strong background in energy field; MBA - Career goals [4]


For me, the obtaining an MBA is a leap forward in my life because it would create more opportunities while providing me with enhanced skills and knowledge.


.... Well, you need to attend to this a lot... First, you should organize your ideas to form a better flow. Then tell one by one in a more logical and convincing order.

I suggest you to start with what you do now and what are the areas that you need to improve on. Then tell how your MBA can help you achieve those challenges.