Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]

You need to write two separate essays for each school. Do not try to pass off a generic essay for both. One or the other version will fall short of the requirements or over inform the admission officer by giving data that is not required or expected in the essay. Try to write two different versions of the essay, paraphrasing is acceptable in this instance because you need to submit a fresh essay each time you apply to a university.

Now about your current essay...

You should first mention how you developed your passion for the field you are applying to study. After you have successfully informed the admissions officer about how your interest developed and what you have done so far to learn about the field, you can then introduce the story of your friend's bout with anorexia and how you helped her. But don't get overly dramatic about it like you did in the first draft. Just go direct to the point, she told you, you were adverse to what you found out at first and then, this is where you begin to expand your statement again, you talk about how you helped her overcome her illness using the information that you learned. This will clearly depict the community that you come from and the kind of person / friend that you are. End the essay with a statement that reiterates your desire to further your knowledge in the field and how you hope to take what it is you learn from the university back to the community so that you can help the others who are suffering like your friend.

Try out these suggestions for your essay revision. We will help you edit it further as we go along :-) Good luck. Ask questions if you need to ;-)

Undergraduate / 'Don't come here again! Loser!' Identity Essay Common app [9]

Atom, here is an example of the combined paragraph:

Zonal matches were something I never dreamt of playing.They were very consequential.I had that in mind when I pleaded to play the day before I was beaten mercilessly.I wanted to try.I wanted to be seen.I wanted my colleagues to know I could stand up in the big days.I wanted to be a surprise.I wanted respect.I was hoping that the worst case scenario would be like one of those days where I won't be noticed.I got none of that.I missed two goals that I should clearly have scored.This time it wasn't just about my talent at football;It was also about nervousness.Even a young and inexperienced player would have scored with those opportunities. My errors were too numerous. I received just not a blow in the stomach or a kick in the knee.I was surrounded and beaten by eight kids,with sticks and punches. It was as if I was a thief. Whenever I tried to escape,a hard blow would send me back to the floor.

''Don't come here again! Loser!
"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
That was Ade yelling at me.I lay on the floor,curled up, wincing at the pain of the bruises I had sustained from being assaulted by my colleagues.Ade was the biggest and strongest amongst us, who were 10-11 year old kids.He chose who would play the zonal football matches.These competitions were very special because young players from all zones of the local government area participated.It was an opportunity for the participants to display their talents and hopefully receive tons of accolades.If any zonal team lost,they would take a compulsory hiatus of two months from playing. If not, they would only have five days.Everyone of course wanted the latter.

This describes what you went through in life that became central to your development as a person.

Here is a sample of how you can use your conclusion as an opening paragraph:

Inequality exists in our world because of the diversity of personalities and desires of each person. It is the nature of man to want to achieve the best that he can and prove his worth in collective engagements such as sports. Sports is a world where all men can play the game but not all men can succeed. I can play football, but as my previous experiences in life have proven, I cannot succeed at it due to various reasons that stem from the inequality of my upbringing from my peers.

You can then proceed to explain how you were brought up sheltered by your parents...

I hope i was able to clarify your questions. Don't hesitate to ask if you feel the need to do so :-)

Writing Feedback / There are some common factors we all share to gain happiness; each have own definition of happy life [2]

Ni ngo, you need to develop this essay further. It presents good arguments but lacks paragraph development through the presentation of examples of factual evidence. the introduction alone is weak because it does not present the information that is normally expected in an introduction. This includes the restated essay prompt, your opinion, and what the discussion will take place within the essay.

You need to offer a simple definition of happiness at the very least, prior to discussing the meaning of the word in the lives of different people. Even then, your paragraph does not clearly define an individualized understanding of happiness. Instead, you present methods by which happiness can be identified. That is not the same as a definition. Improve your first paragraph by presenting that definition first.

There is also no sign of your discussion regarding the factors that are important in achieving happiness. You can mention at least two of these factors for consideration in order to create the discussion. One reason can discuss, in a complete paragraph, how contentment is an integral factor to consider in the achievement of happiness. Once a person is content with his life, then he is happy. You can also mention self-fulfillment as another factor to consider. A self - fulfilled person will find himself quite happy because he has no wants or needs left to achieve, thus offering him happiness in his life.

If you present the additional information as I detailed it here, you will be able to write a better developed conclusion to the essay.

Undergraduate / A life without companionship can be synonymous with a life without purpose - story or background [2]

Sarib, I have placed my comments and recommendations below for your consideration :-)


- Sarib, while your opening statement was nice, it would be better for you to open your essay with the above paragraph instead. The reason I say this is because it immediately offers the admissions officer an idea of who you are, what conflicts and obstacles you had to overcome, and how it influenced the person you became. This is the interesting hook that all common app essays require.


- This can be your second paragraph because it shows us exactly how you were affected by the events unfolding in your world. It also shows us how your world was constantly changing in order to adapt to the situation you found yourself in.


- Your third paragraph. Speaks of how you were affected by the events and how you dealt with it.


- Your closing paragraph. When combined, this becomes the strong conclusion that shows us the kind of person you have become because of the world you live in and its effects upon you.

If you choose to apply the revisions to the paragraph placement in the essay, we will be able to help you further polish the content and eventually, we can start cleaning up the grammar and sentence structure problems. I hope you will consider my suggestions for your essay :-)

Essays / Modern day communication via social networks puts an end of true and sincere relationships. [2]

Tay, this is a very interesting topic for an essay. There are many examples that you can choose to base your writing on. For example, look at the way cyberbullying occurs. Due to the way that the internet allows people to pretend to be anybody they want to be, people no longer think twice about saying bad things about others and making false friendships. Then discuss how social media is now seen mostly as a tool to show off rather than actually build relationships and friendships.

Refer to the recent study that showed how Facebook users tend to be depressed after reading about the accomplishment of their "social" friends. That could actually be the basis of your whole essay. Explain how social media makes people care less about others because the slant of the service is simply to entertain and not build friendships or sincere relationships. Everything about social media is superficial because it is not based on reality or common denominators. Rather, it is based simply on increasing the likes or followers of an account. That never translates into meaningful and sincere friendships. Explain how half the people who follow each other on Twitter barely know each other, if at all.

I hope my ideas help you to develop your essay. Good luck! I can't wait to read your draft.

Writing Feedback / My new neighbor is a restaurant [4]

Gbekil, you need to address 2 stands in this particular essay aside from your own in order to effectively discuss the pros and cons of having a restaurant open in your neighborhood. Consider discussing the positive and negative effects of having a restaurant in the neighborhood. The positive side include convenience, job opportunities for the members of the community, and increased income for the city. The negative side is sanitation problems due to the trash volume the restaurant will produce, the smell of the food coming from the kitchen that will mix with the air of the neighborhood, and the dietary considerations of the residents in the area. After you have discussed those two sides, you can then present your own opinion on the matter as you have described above.

By presenting two other sides to the situation, you will have effectively balanced the discussion to show the concerns of the community and the concerns of an individual who will be affected by the opening of the restaurant. Consider all of the factors in your own decision making process and go with the side that you feel best fits your own reasons for supporting or not supporting the restaurant. That will create a solid basis for your own opinion.

Don't forget to follows the rules for writing a proper conclusion. I noticed it was missing in your draft essay. You know that your essay will be deemed incomplete without a solid conclusion to close it :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

lephuc, I have just a few revisions and comments for you to note.


- ... and the environment.



- You need to present solid, factual evidence of this claim. This is a very under developed paragraph that lacks the required minimum number of sentences. It is not effective at all. Present an example that shows how ordinary people can save money by taking public transport instead of private vehicles. Compare the price of gas used by cars weekly as opposed to the bus or train fare. Then compare it by month to show the savings of a person.


- This is a very confusing sentence. First you are talking of the environment then you start to talk about social interaction, which should be a separate paragraph. Go for thought clarity and try to restate this paragraph with acceptable supporting facts. Move the social interaction to an additional paragraph and develop it further.


- Your conclusion falls short. It does not have the restated prompt clearly set out, there is no summary of facts, and your opinion is not repeated at the end. There is a need to revise this part as well.

Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]

dumbnerd, I really hate calling you that. It sounds so disrespectful. Anyway, you need to supply the essay prompt for this so that we will know what direction the essay should be taking. It will also give us a clearer idea of what the expectations are in your responses. We will look for those points in the essay and show you where you can improve and what to change. In the meantime, I present to you a general essay review.

One major problem that I see with this paper is that we are learning too much about your friend and very little about you. From the very start, you should be discussing how you reacted to the news, how you tried to help and what the outcome of that help was. Do not concentrate on describing your friend too much. This essay is not about her. It is all about you and how you coped with the situation. Don't forget, you are the one applying for admission so the admission officer is definitely not interested in your friend. Revise the essay totally to center more on you and how you took the revelation of your friend and the reasons you decided to help her. Right now, this is all about your friend, which it should not be.

I may have additional comments and suggestions as to how this essay can be improved after you post the prompt for it. So I will reserve my other statements till after i have read it :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Diesel, the TOEFL test is more than just a test of English language proficiency, it is also a test of how much you know about American and popular culture. As such, you must always use information in your essay that is common knowledge or easily known to people. That shows that you are not just a bookish student but also a student of life. That is why I was advising you to use an example of a current event that most people can identify with.


- The problem with that example is that it uses a medical situation that not everyone can relate to. As such, it lessens its effectiveness in the overall impact of your essay. Do not assume that all your readers will be familiar with medical science news. In such instances, it could adversely affect your rating. Try to go with examples that people can understand such as fixing a leaking faucet immediately instead of thinking of how to best fix the leak so that the leak turns into an exploded water pipe. Or something like that. The reader needs to be able to easily understand your examples in order for it to be effective in supporting your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : what is the impact of technology on the frequency of face-to-face communication? [4]

Kim, I have some comments and suggestions for you below. Please consider these as you revise the essay :-)


- The debate regarding the demise of face to face conversations has become more urgent due to the increasing use of technology to communicate. Some sectors believe that the internet and mobile phones will become the de-facto communication standards of the future, causing the demise of personal communication. Others believe that there will always be a place for face to face communication regardless of the available communication technology. I believe that communicating via technology will cause the loss of face to communication for a number of reasons. This essay will discuss all the sides of the issue and leave the final opinion on the topic to the reader.


- Others will say that there is no denying the fact that traditional face to face communication seems to be dying with the emergence of communication technology. There are still people who prefer the old school, face to face communication method. Mostly because face to face communication allows people to read beyond the written word. The tone of voice, the body movements, the eye contact, gestures, everything that takes place during face to face communication helps to deliver the clear message of the words being spoken.There is no second guessing it. There is no need for emoji's or emiticons to create a sense of mood as usually happens with text messages. This is what makes traditional communication significant when compared to technology based conversations.


- However, with every technological advancement, the need for physical face to face conversations is decreased. The face to face part is being further enhanced by technology such as video calling, VOIP, and other emerging video and voice based technologies which have the ability to overtake and enhance physical face to face talk time. Time and distance are no longer an i]ssue for face time communication as it is with physical face time conversations. Virtual communication has shrunk the world without our realizing itThe way we communicate and do business across the seas has forever been changed by communication technologies.


- This was compressed into the previous paragraph.

Your conclusion is good an requires no comment or revision in my opinion :-)

Undergraduate / Assembling the puzzle pieces - my FSU admissions essay! [3]


- David, you should immediately mention learning in your introductory paragraph because that is the direct answer to the essay prompt. By doing that you will be able to direct the essay in a manner that will show how you value learning in relation to your academic education. In fact, your story as a young child coming to realize that learning is never ending will directly play into the expectations of the admission officer with regards to what he should read in the prompt.

Having read the introductory paragraph and reviewed it, I can safely say that you are on the right track with your essay response. Specially if you make the adjustment I suggested. Now as for how that will affect the rest of the essay as you write it, that is what we will have to wait and see. We hope that you can post the completed draft as soon as possible so that we can further assist you with its development and organization :-)

Book Reports / "The Dream of an Hour" - Plot analysis by Kate Chopin [2]

Abdul, I have written papers about "The Story of an Hour" by Kate Chopin as well. In my previous work, I came to realize that in order to for the reader to fully understand what it is that we are trying to explain about the events that unfolded in the event, there is a need to explain the mindset about women during that era and how it relates to the way the story was written. Kate Chopin has written a story that could very well have started the Women's Liberation movement so you should definitely mention the treatment of women from that era and how Ms. Chopin reflected it in her literary work. This will make your review of the story come across as well informed and researched. You can run a quick Google search and come up with a number of website reviews that can help you write that aspect of the review.


- You will be able to further explain this paragraph if you do the research about the treatment of women during the era. You will quite possibly, be able to answer the very questions that you presented in the paragraph as well.

Writing Feedback / Government should persuade workers to go to offices by buses, and build more highways in cities [2]

Katie, I have some comments and suggestions listed below for you to consider :-)


- ... we cannot avoid...


- ... is a suitable solution to the problem of traffic jams and pollution. High petrol prices... less fumes exhausted... As people are... This way...


- There are also some other solutions... The government... campaigns that encourage government employees to use public transportation to go to work. Offering incentives such as a travel allowance for buses or trains during their weekly commute will make travel cheaper since they won't have to pay full price for petrol in their cars and motorcycles. .. but also influence the actions ... addition to this, the cities should build more skyways ... This solution was implemented in Hanoi, Vietnam with much success. There is now very little road traffic during rush hours because most people use the highways or skyways already.


- These are the reasons that I believe the government should raise the prices of petrol. It will persuade government and ordinary workers to use more public transportation. By building mor roads and skyways, I believe that people will use alternative roads that will also lessen the traffic and air pollution.

Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

Alina, I will try to help you align the essay with the prompt. I can see the effort that you have placed in doing the same thing but it is not sufficient at this point. I hope you won't mind if i revise the essay for you. It will be your reference for your own revision of the essay.

- In all languages, there are certain words the touch the heart. It is a unique word to the language that makes it impossible to translate, and yet have an emotional connection or definition that resonates with everyone who hears and begins to understand the word. For me, that word is "Samokopaniye" -- digging into oneself.

- Russian grammar is quite descriptive by nature and thus, can seem to be quite painful to the imagination. "Samokopaniye" sounds more painful than it actually is. It is actually a very pleasurable and rewarding activity. It is the word that people use to ask others to dig deep into their souls for a meaning that nobody can steal or stain. It is the word that allows a person the freedom to evaluate his life and the events that have transpired in it so far in relation to his current situation. It is a philosophical word that asks a person to look beyond his superficial self and dig into the the hidden self that we all have in order to understand himself. "Samokopaniye" in effect means "do dig deep into oneself in order to find his truth".

Alina, you should delete this part of the essay and instead, discuss the portion of the prompt that you failed to focus on:


The simple meaning of the word in relation to your point of view will suffice for its definition. The important topic that you need to cover now is why you believe that even though the word has equivalents in other languages, the original word must always be used. Without that explanation, this is an incomplete essay.

Undergraduate / 'Don't come here again! Loser!' Identity Essay Common app [9]

- Atom, I know that you were going for a dramatic effect to reel in the reader of your essay. However, your depiction over dramatizes the event in your life. Instead of presenting this, which at this point is only a word filler, you should instead go directly to the paragraph that describes how you were not allowed by your parents to play with other children and how it affected you. That is more dramatic and immediately tells the reader something about you.

Atom you have a problem with punctuation usage. While you use the periods and other punctuation marks properly, you are failing to hit the space bar before typing a new word. This makes the sentence very difficult to read. Please correct the spacing problem between sentences to make it easier to read.

- Combine the opening description that you have about being beaten after the competition. That will work perfectly in explaining what happened to you at the zonal meet in this paragraph.

- Atom, this is a very strong statement worthy of being your introductory paragraph. I suggest that you use it as such and develop it in such a way that it will smoothly transition into the story of your life.

If you can apply the revisions I suggested, we can review the theme of the essay again just to make sure it answers the prompt. If it works, we will correct the grammatical errors, adjust the punctuation marks, and shorten the paragraphs where possible in the next revision stage.

Writing Feedback / Once a person have vast ambitions, it is available to reach the goal which they are struggling for [3]

Yingzhi, I can tell that you are trying to express your thoughts in a very coherent manner. There are glimpses of it all throughout your essay. It just doesn't come across as clearly as it should. I'll try to revise your essay for you in such a way that I believe your sentiments will be clearer and better understood. Use it s a sample for your next essay or refer to it as you revise this one.


In my opinion, there are two types of people living in our world today, those who live their lives full of ambition and those who don't. Human nature seems to be driven by ambition. This makes the existence of ambition in a person a positive aspect of his personality. It makes him passionate, energetic, and driven to achieve in all aspects of his or her life. People who reach the pinnacles of their career and live what is perceived to be a good life (cars, money, luxury) are considered to have fulfilled their ambitions in life. Once personal happiness and contentment are achieved along with the luxuries that he has, then he has fulfilled all of his ambitions in life. This is the positive side of ambition and just like any positive side, there is also a negative side to it.

People can become overly ambitious in life. Unable to control their desire for bigger and better things in both their personal and professional lives. This type of ambition is not achievable because he will never find personal happiness and contentment. Thus creating a failure of ambition in them and ruining the meaning of the word in relation to them. So ambition in this situation becomes a negative trait. Therefore, the positive and negative attributes can be either positive or negative depending upon how a person uses his ambition to propel himself forward in life.

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

Middya, let me try to revise this essay for you in its totality.

As an undergraduate student in Chemical Engineering,I found myself drawn to the Robert R. McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science. The college is known for having the most stringent of admissions requirements, ensuring that the seven to one pupil ratio will provide the most learning experience for a student at the hands of a learned faculty member. It also offers the student a better chance to study and understand the challenging course materials. The "Whole - Brain" concept of teaching developed by the school assures me that I will be a successful student at Northwestern.

Having spent 3 weeks on campus at the Elder Hall, I discovered students who learned the value of "Work hard, play hard". An outlook that appeals to me because I am a person who believes that the best kind of student is one who has a perfect balance in their academic and social life.

This is exactly 150 words and covers all of the requirements of the prompt. Feel free to use this in its entirety.

Writing Feedback / Zoos have a strong advantage for both, the endangered species as well as for the society [2]

Saba, I am rewriting your essay to give you an idea of how essays of this type should be written.


- Zoos are viewed as an important part of education in our society. It is a place that helps save endangered species. However, there are some sectors that disagree with that statement due to the perceived cruelty to the animals that is believed to take place in the zoos. I believe that there are disadvantages to having animals cages in zoos as well. Although, I also believe that there are some benefits to be had from such a set up. This essay will discuss both sides of the issue and present further evidence for my personal opinion on the matter.


- Those who believe in the cruelty of zoos do so based upon the fact that the animals are taken from their native habitat and placed in man made replicas. Where the animals used to have unlimited space to roam, they are now limited by containing walls. Their amount of food supply is limited by what man gives them rather than what they can hunt. Most importantly, the animals get pampaered to the point where they lose their natural hunter and predatory instincts, thus making them ill fit to be released into the wild again should the need arise. These are all valid reasons to oppose the existence of zoos. However, the opponents of zoos fail to consider that zoos were built to help protect these animals rather than harm them.


- With the continuous deforestation and illegal activities occurring all over the world, animal habitats have become as endangered as the animals themselves. Without the help of man, who bother to rebuild a replica of their habitats and care for them, these animals would have long gone extinct. They would have been leather bags, lampshades, or hunting trophies by now if the zoos did not exist to protect them from these human predators. Zoos help prevent the extinction of these animals. Leaving them in their natural habitat is a sure way to bring about the demise of a total animal race.

- Do not discuss the aspect of animal study because those are normally done in laboratories that are not connected with zoos. Do not confuse animal testing with animal rights.

My personal opinion, is that zoos should exist because of the benefits that it offers both man and animal. While we protect these animals from extinction, in exchange, we are given an opportunity to study the animals in a controlled setting. The money that is pad to the zoo by the visitors helps to ensure their continued survival by maintaining the zoos and keeping them well fed and happy. Granted that this is not the environment that they are used to and they may not be so happy where they are. The point is that as keepers of all things that the universe has created, man has the duty to protect the race and species that cannot protect themselves. Keeping animals in zoos is considered to be a part of the answer to the call of duty to protect all animals. Whether we gain something from the set up or not does not matter. All that matters, is that the animal species continues to flourish for another generation of man to care for and learn from.

- I wrote this for you because your paper did not have a personal opinion stated.What you wrote was quite weak and does not offer an insight into your true opinion on the matter. Based upon this opinion, you can now write your essay that will present the prompt, summarize the facts, and reiterate your opinion.

Undergraduate / 'childhood memories' - 530 words of uncertainty (Cal App) [3]

Kevin, you need to cut down on the back story of your parents and concentrate on you. Skim over the abuse, your coming to the U.S. and having to work as migrant farm workers. Summarize the death of your father and your mother going home to care for him. Concentrate on feeling alone. Then discuss how habitat for humanity came into your life and how the organization helped you develop a better sense of you are as a person and what your life aspirations should be. That will bring the essay totally in line with the prompt. Don't worry about the word count. You can go over since this is just the draft. It will fall into the word requirement as the revisions are completed.


- Build up this portion because it is this exposure that led you to your dreams and aspirations of helping others today. This is the real world that helped shape who you became. Your parent's role in that stopped when your mother left you to go care for your father. You said so yourself, you felt abandoned. This organization was your home. So talk about their influence on you.

Undergraduate / For six generations, my family has lived in a rural black hole known as New Iberia; Texas A&M [4]

It would really help us figure out where the essay should be directed towards if you provided us with the statement prompt. It is difficult to advise you regarding the content and theme of your essay without knowing that. Personally, I also prefer to correct any grammar and sentence structure issues after the them of the essay has been perfected. So it would be great if you could upload that information as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will try to create a general review of the essay for you and make comments where I think it is possible to do so without affecting the original prompt.


- If you were still a toddler when this happened then you should not have any memory of what was going on. Also, I believe that this is a weak introduction to any topic because the paragraph does not really provide an insight into anything that the adult you took an interest in that led to the point in life where you are now. An effective introduction will immediately state the purpose of and reason for your application. Building upon those in the succeeding paragraphs.


- What was propelling this sense in you? What were your dreams and aspirations that were being held back by where you lived and your station in life?


- This is only relevant to incoming freshman applications. You are a transferring student. Go directly to the story of your grandmother and how hope to continue your medical education at this new university.

If this is supposed to be a transfer essay, you did not write it properly. You need to state reasons for your decision to switch schools. Explain how you feel the new university will help you better achieve your dream of becoming a doctor and how you hope to achieve that through their tutelage.Right now, I know a lot about you and your grandmother but nothing about your desire to transfer to another university. The reasons for that remain unclear.Clarify those points and your essay will be better off for it. I will present more comments after I read the prompt.

Undergraduate / The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student [11]

Silverw, I have one last round of revisions and recommendations to make and then I will probably agree with you about this essay being ready to submit :-)


- The description I am actually after is why your bullies remind you of Daleks. Are they also bullies? What is their personality like? What is the reason you compare your bullies to them? Make the connection between the two.




- Silverw, please double check your punctuation marks and make sure that you do not have commas where periods should be and vice-versa. That seems to be a recurring problem in this version of your essay.


- What did you write about? Give some examples to give the reader an idea of your topics and why this became a release method for you.


- The concentration of the essay should solely be on the activities that helped you with your writing.

Undergraduate / I have always dreamed about studying something which is related with humans beings; applying letter [11]

Abbys, that totally changes the game for us then. Since we do not have a template to work with, we will have to feel our way through the letter. So here is what I suggest, take note of the suggestions, questions, and recommendations I made in an earlier post in this thread and apply it to your essay as revisions. Once you have done that, you can come back here to post the revision so we can review it for content and grammar. We will do our best to help you bring down the word count to an acceptable level. More importantly, we will help you try to second guess the information that may be considered necessary in your essay. After that, we are in for another revision.

Be prepared to write at least 3 versions of this letter because we will be refining it with every version. Don't get impatient or feel hopeless because we will be winging your essay most of the way. Our main goal will be to write a letter that will best represent you to the admissions officer of the school for his or her consideration. How we do that, will be a team effort :-) So get ready, we have a long way to go :-)

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Community, I listed down a few revisions that need to be applied before the essay can be ready for submission. If you like this version then you can consider submitting it already.


- ... surprise . My lips were trembling...


- Never start a sentence with "But", Instead say "It was..."


- ... change wasn't going to happen unless I made it happen...
- No religious references in essays. You don't know whom you might offend in the process. That is not a politically correct thing to do.


- .. wanted me to be...
- Look out for your tenses. If you start a sentence in past tense, end it in past tense.


- ... no longer mattered .


- ... what I did ,

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]



- Oriyan, you wanted something interesting to open you essay with? Here is your answer. Talk about how you ended up in the navy and the learning experience you had there. That shows intellectual vitality since the navy teaches you things that you would not learn in an ordinary school or college.


- This is the main body of your essay. After posing the questions, explain how you pursued the answers to these as an autodidact. An autodidact is impressive in the sense that he is self taught, which is exactly what defines an intellectually active person. Thus you will be able to answer the prompt in a manner that adheres to the prompt. Try to write a draft and post it here. We will help you fix it up :-)

Graduate / I developed an Android app to navigate a crowded train station in Singapore; SOP - CMU MISM Program [6]

Praneetha, multiple presentations of your abilities tend to confuse the reader. The most effective SOP's always present your best ability in relation to your application. So choose the best one and expand upon that. The same applies to your academic achievements. You need to work the best information about you into a maximum of two pages otherwise you will lose the interest of the reader and you will come across as a show off. You want to be seen as enthusiastic but not over eager to please. If I may, I will highlight the portions that I believe will best help your SOP develop in an interesting and logical manner.

- Before you proceed to the Merck paragraph, you need to state your reason for applying for advanced studies and what your future occupational plans are. There needs to be a direct relation between your current job position and your future plans that require the higher understanding of the demands of your job. Then develop the Merck paragraph as a separate paragraph because this directly relates to your interest in the program. Don't discuss any topics that will not show how you developed an interest in advanced fields of study.

- Only present yourself as a strong student bent on succeeding in everything that you do. There is no room for weakness in an SOP.
- Does your software project relate to your interest in advanced studies? If so, you need to show the connection in order to make the story of your project relevant to the essay. Try to shorten the story by simply telling us about the relationship between your project and the masters studies.

- Don't jump around with your discussions. Fully discuss Merck at the beginning and never go back to it again. Like I said, choose the most important and most relevant work project you participated in and make sure to fully develop that in an impressive manner. Right now your essay shows how undecided you are about the content you put into it.


- You should explain how the advanced studies will help you in achieving your future goals.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]


- Diesel, the abilities that you are talking about developing cannot be done in a matter of days, or months. It is something that is developed over the years. You develop it by living and breathing the English language. That means speaking the language 24/7, watching only English programming, and reading only English materials. That is how you develop a sense of logic, upgrade your use of English words, and become an almost native speaker when thinking and writing in English. You can however, begin to develop those skills now. Most specially the logical thinking part, by reading only English material or watching English programming and then writing an essay based upon a prompt that you provide for yourself. Ask yourself a question about the show, movie, or reading material and then try to find the answer to it by writing down what you understood which you feel answers the question posed. This is how you develop logic and a grasp of the English language. Using a thesaurus with the aid of a dictionary while writing your practice essays will also help you develop your language usage. Try inserting a new English word into your everyday conversations or written work at least 3 times in a day so that you will develop a native speaker's thinking ability. There are no secrets to developing the spoken and written English skills of a person. It cannot be rushed. It can be developed over time with practice. When are you taking the TOEFL test? We can work on developing your logic in writing as it draws closer. By writing essays and having it edited, you will also develop your English vocabulary because the editing will introduce you to new words that you should take note of.

Now about the new essay :-) Note the way I will restructure your sentence to sound more logical. You can use it as an example for your next essay or your revisions of this one. I will ask questions whenever possible to help build your sense of logic.Respond to the questions I pose in the revision. Yes, this will include an exercise in logic aside from grammar revisions. :-)


- Adequate preparation for what? What is the relation of patience to preparation?
- Although there is some truth to the claim that patience allows us to refine our decision, it neglects to recognize the fact that taking action allows people to quickly address problems rather than delaying decisions during critical situations.

- Will this be a personal opinion essay only? In that case, you need to make that clear to the reading by stating it in the introduction.


-Is this an opinion you support? If so then you need to know that a logical answer goes direct to the point. Start this paragraph immediately with "Taking action furnishes..." A sense of confidence in a response indicates logical thinking.

- Taking action allows a person to fully utilize the immediate situation in the resolution of a problem. He does this by controlling the situation and directing the existing factors towards a possible solution to the problem.

- I am not sure what the connection of the Ministry of Public Affairs story has to do with the topic you are trying to discuss. Rather than using a complex situation that not everyone will understand, use a topic that people can easily relate to. Something along the lines of "Taking immediate action offers only a short term solution to problems. But these short term solutions have a long term pay off in most cases..." In TOEFL tests, it is best to use popular information because that will show your familiarity with the English language and culture.


- Instead of this discussion, you should be using this paragraph to show the drawback of patience in determining decisions. Remember, you need to show the weakness of the logic in patiently looking for a solution instead of taking action. Weaken that discussion and your side wins the debate or in this case, the opinion of the reader. There are always 2 sides to a logical discussion. Both sides should be represented in the essay. This is usually known as the pro and con side.


- You need to strengthen your conclusion by strengthening your body paragraphs. Don't forget that you need to present a restated thesis, summary of facts, and your opinion to close the essay. Right now, your conclusion is flawed and improperly developed.

I hope you find the advice I gave useful :-) Don't be afraid to ask questions. I'll help you out whenever and however I can :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: working alone appears to be better. It helps us to be more responsible. [9]

lephuc, even though you did not provide a prompt for the essay, I can clearly read the implied prompt and the method by which you will be discussing the essay. Your point of view is also quite evident and I applaud you for letting us know exactly how you will be discussing the paper. You made it clear from the very start that this will be a personal opinion essay so we will not expect an opposing argument to appear in it. That said, there are a few grammatical and sentence structure errors that need to be addressed. These are as follows:


- Since you did not continue the numerical count for your reasoning in the succeeding paragraphs, you should not have started using it. Always discuss in a direct manner in order to save time and valuable character or word count.

- My initial reason is based upon reality. A person who works alone works faster. He does not need to worry about his team mates or assistants making mistakes that could slow him down. He knows his objective and works with the sole purpose of meeting that objective. Team work tends to muddle the ideas of people, specially the non-confident ones. So by working alone, the non-confident person builds his ideas and proves his theories to himself and to others.


- This is an under developed sentence. You need to develop the ideas more in order to prove that your personal perspective is based on an acceptable reason. Also, you mimic the same reason as your first one which is based on reality. So it is not an effective line of reasoning and should be replaced.


- Again, you are stating the same reason as the first one. Only in a different manner. Develop a new reason or simply use one reason and build all of these reasons into it. These are all based upon reality and nothing more. So even though you said you were going to discuss three reasons, you actually only discussed one.


- Your concluding paragraph is confusing and does not make any sense. You need to revise it in a manner that it will follow the requirements of the conclusion which is restate the prompt and facts then your personal point of view.

Scholarship / 'I would do my best to improve my English and German skills' - DAAD scholarship; motivation letter [3]

Irina, it was not necessary to include your name in the motivation letter as this is only one of the many attachments to your student application for your school. Your introduction is solid since it tells the reader your exact reasons for applying to higher studies. However, this letter sounds more like a Statement of Purpose instead of a scholarship motivation letter. Kindly upload the instructions you were given for writing the letter so that we can get a better understanding as to why you wrote a statement of purpose essay instead of a scholarship letter.

When you are writing a scholarship letter, your essay must concentrate on proving that you fall into the criteria of the scholarship foundation and that you will be a worthy candidate to sponsor as a scholar. Remember, you are receiving free money, so you have to make sure that you will stand out among the other 1 million applicants for the same scholarship. You are probably wondering how is that determined? The scholarship committee decides upon that using the letter and other documents that they ask you to write and submit. In this case, the letter is a preliminary interview. The more you answer the essay prompt and prove that you fall under the qualifications of a successful candidate the more in the running for consideration you will be.

Having said that, you will need to revise your essay depending upon the required prompts of the scholarship and then include some personal information about yourself. Try not to go over 2 pages in doing this so that you won't lose the reader's interest. So don't try to give them an idea of your whole life be it academic of otherwise. Just concentrate on one or two activities that will best reflect you accomplishments in line with the essay prompt. Don't mistake the letter for a resume though. That is something you should submit separately. Instead, just focus on the one or two activities that best reflect who you are. Focusing on your leadership abilities would be a good way to write that part of the essay.

Somewhere within the pages of your essay, the scholarship committee will need to know exactly why you are applying for their scholarship. Then discuss how you will be spending that scholarship money in the quest to complete your studies. Remind them about the kind of bright student you are and how their scholarship will benefit from granting you the chance to study.

Right now, you are not really discussing the scholarship. Just your academic achievements and professional experiences. DAAD is a scholarship that is asking you to explain why you will be a good scholar, but you are submitting something along the lines of a personal statement for an academic application instead. Consider the guidelines I mentioned above and try to revise the letter along those lines. If you find that hard to do, post the essay prompt for the letter here and we will help you sort out what information it should contain :-) I hope my advice helps you out.

Graduate / I developed an Android app to navigate a crowded train station in Singapore; SOP - CMU MISM Program [6]

Praneetha, one thing I always ask when I read an SOP this long is, "What is the essay really asking for? What is the prompt? Unless you tell us what the requirements are we will not know what parameters to consider in editing the essay. At this point, I will agree with Nicole about the lack of clarity in the paper. You need to realize that just because you discuss everything about your academic and professional work in the essay, that does not mean it is interesting nor does it answer what the prompt is asking for. You can actually edit the essay to the nitty gritty parts that are needed to satisfy what the admissions officer wants to read. At this point, you only succeeded in boring the reader because of the extra long essay you wrote.

I hope you can upload the prompt for your essay so that we can advise you about which portions to build up, what to remove, and which part to simply mention but not discuss. We can actually help you revise and shape up the essay to the point where it will adhering to the essay prompt. Just remember, you will need to do the work as we advise you. Expect to do a number of rewrites before you get it right.

The one thing that i can say is that there is nothing in your paper that relates to how your app connects to your SOP or the CMU MISM program. Your discussion should have somehow made that connection at the start in order to give your essay a solid foundation and show us that your interests and past achievements have led you to the need or desire to take advanced studies in the field. That is how you establish and effective SOP, specially for such a complex program like this one.

At this point, I will hold back on my comments about the content until I read the prompt. Somehow the paper is informative but is lacking something. I am sure I will be able to pinpoint what it is that we need to add or fix once I see the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Geology is a rich and diverse subject that has a great room for creative thought. UCAS statement [3]

CaptainCook, while your essay is very informative in relation to the way you developed your personal interest in Geology, I believe that you can best answer this prompt, as schottichang7 said, by avoiding cliche's. Rather than telling us a story about the way your interest grew over time, why not state a Geological question instead that has been puzzling you over time? Relate that question to your interest in Geology and then explain how you have been seeking the answers to that question by joining various activities in the past. That way your stories will not seem so cliche and will be providing an insight into your development as a future geologist.

You can also make your essay stand out by developing a goal for yourself in the future. As a graduate, what kind of changes to you hope to effect in Geology? What is your biggest dream or ambition related to your career and how do you hope to accomplish that? Talk about the future you in a way that shows your personal concern for the field. Make us believe that you were born to be a geologist. Drive the point home by stating that you hope to have the assistance of the university in achieving the goals you have set for yourself in the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / SAT - countless historical evidences show that challenging the authority is necessary at some times. [3]

Blueblood, it would be best for you to steer away from a historical discussion about religion in this paper because it more political in nature than theological. You are opening up a can of worms by discussing controversial topics when you could simply refer to the current political events around the world that prove the need to question the ideas and decisions of people in authority. Some examples of these would be there recent referendum in Scotland about whether they should stay with the British empire or not, the protest rallies in Catalan, Spain where they also wish to have independence from the monarchy. Both of which happened because both countries believe their country could perform better independently and with lesser taxation, and the recent week long protest in Hong Kong questioning the decision of their political leaders about their upcoming elections. Even in local politics references can be made to graft, corruption, and political scandals that beg the people to question the ideas and decisions of their political leaders. There was really no need to go into a historical context.

Don't forget that most people may also not be familiar with the religious debates and the history of the Catholic church. So your paper ends up becoming a history lesson instead of a position essay. It is always better to show that you have an understanding of current events in relation to the question being asked. Do not refer to historical events unless you are specifically asked to do that because of the risk that the reader may not be familiar with your chosen historical event, which will leave him with questions rather than answers coming from your paper. While a historical discussion shows the seeds of independent thinking, in this type of essay, more recent examples serve the purpose of proving the need to question authority.

Writing Feedback / 'kill two birds with one stone' - Public transportation vs roads [3]

Vns, your argument is highly flawed. Consider if you will the fact that more cars on the road will mean more pollution in the air thus causing more health problems for the majority. This is one of those trick essays that requires you to choose both answers as correct instead of just one. Why is that? Let me explain further for your understanding. Both the roads and public transportation need to be improved for the benefit of the public and the environment.

I will agree with you that there is a need to improve public transportation. However. if the government does not allot enough money to improve the road conditions and if the government does not create new roads and bridges, the congestion or traffic situation in any country will get worse.Even if you add more buses and trains, without new roads, the new public transportation units will just make the roads tighter and the travel time to be longer because of that. This will create a terrible inconvenience for the people of any country and harm the economy of a nation because of the lost income caused by the traffic problem in the business sector. The worsening condition of existing roads will also need to be addressed if the government wishes to speed up the commute time of workers and the transport time of their goods.

While most people cannot afford to buy cars at the moment, they are already struggling with a daily commute in traffic that exposes them to environmental hazards such as carbon monoxide which weaken the lungs and excessive sun exposure that harms the skin and could cause cataracts. Adding cars, buses, and trains will only make an already bad situation worse until it reaches a point such as the one they have in China where on some days, the air pollution is so bad that people risk getting sick if they leave the house and breathe in the air in the street. China, which is a highly industrialized country, rarely has trees on their roads, which are important in the oxygenation process of our planet. By building new roads and planting trees, the health of the public will be taken care of by eliminating carbon monoxide in the are to a certain extent and providing fresh air to the commuters.

Such health considerations and infrastructure necessities dictate that the government kill two birds with one stone with every move that they make. An equal amount of money should be spend to improve the road conditions, create new roads, and upgrade the public transport system in order for the economy of a country to continue to flourish and to take care of the public health. Therefore, it is only fair that the government take care of both aspects of the public transport system.

Using the information I have provided you above, do you now understand why your argument is flawed? You can use my reasons above to revise your essay if you wish to do so :-)

Undergraduate / Service Academy Nomination Essay: What do you envision as your ultimate role with the US military? [4]

- Katie, consider building upon this paragraph by opening the statement with a concern about the lack of proper medical care available at the battle front. Remind them of the importance of the medic during an active battle and how the existence of the medic can help save lives when it should have been lost. Then explain the connection between your goal of becoming a military officer in the service of the overall medical well being of the soldiers. The treatment of the wounded is your primary goal. The official designation is only secondary. Imply that you are a selfless person who just wants to help and give back to your country. It is not about the prestige of becoming a military officer. That is only a perk in your opinion.


- Do you have any idea of how you could possibly do that? Now would be a good time as any to mention it in relation to your ultimate role in the US military. I can help you throw around some ideas to answer that if you want to consider it.

Writing Feedback / Think Before You Click (How social media affect our lives) [2]

Ceej, the first question I have for you is, what is the prompt for this essay? What topic or theme are you being asked to discuss? The paper is quite long to read and without knowing what the guidelines are for the creation of this essay, it will be hard to provide accurate feedback and suggestions regarding the work you have already done. Please upload that information as soon as possible so that we can better assist you with reviewing your paper. The paper does have grammar issues but I will hold off on correcting those because the content revision is the priority. Once the paper contains solid information, all other corrections can be done.

- I suggest that you combine these paragraphs even if it makes for a long one at the moment because the second paragraph actually contains the thesis statement your point of view on the issues. As we all know, those are the necessary information that creates a solid introductory statement.


- Do not be redundant. Just go direct to the point in every paragraph. You need to establish this theme only once.

The reasons that you present as evidence in this paper are very valid and can easily be identified with by most people. So keep the information that you presented. It can be added to, shortened or deleted as needed after the prompt is presented as our guide. Your reasons just need grammar correction and polishing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Drivers should pay fees so that they can be permitted to drive out in traffic busy time? [2]

Song, I will provide comments and revisions to your paper below. Please use them as a guide in your revision.

- This is a very good way of blending the essay prompt with your opinion on the matter. Excellent work.

- This type of policy has a number of benefits in terms of gains from the fines collected. People will be encouraged to take public transportation during rush hours, thus decreasing the number of cars on the street and automatically lessening traffic. Decongestion due to the removal of private cars will result in an easier and faster commute time.

- Save your opinion for the later portion of the paper.

- This is the same reason that you gave above, only told in a different manner. Thus creating a redundancy. . Use a different reason, such as building up the government funds for more road rehabilitation and infrastructure projects. You need to change your discussion per paragraph.

- Your conclusion is weak because your reasons to support it are weak. Tighten and improve your reasons so that we can also improve upon your concluding statement.

Undergraduate / Service Academy Nomination Essay: What do you envision as your ultimate role with the US military? [4]


- This is the only answer required by the essay prompt. Therefore, you should build this up in relation to your vision of becoming a US military officer. Explain the importance of having a medically trained professional officer on the battlefield and how your addition to that cluster could possibly change the way America heals its wounded on the front-line and helps the injured recover at the military hospital. That is the vision that you want to share with the military and should strive to bring to a reality by graduating from the military academy. If you can expand upon this particular paragraph, say make it cover 2 paragraphs, you will have more than answered the prompt. You will have given the admissions officer a solid insight into your future as a soldier and officer.

Undergraduate / I have always dreamed about studying something which is related with humans beings; applying letter [11]

Abbys, what are the requirements for the letter? We can only judge whether you have presented good arguments once you have provided us with the parameters for your letter. Actually, I think this should not be a letter but an essay instead. It would really help us study your paper and answer your question if we knew what the expectations are for your letter.


- Do not pose questions without your letter. Everything that you state should be a matter of fact. In fact, your reason for wanting to apply to AUC should be contained in the first paragraph of your letter. While flowery words make this a creative paper, the admissions officer does not have the time to beat around the bush. Always go directly to the point and then embellish in the succeeding paragraphs. You need to make sure that you hook him or her into reading your letter to the very end.


- Explain how you plan to accomplish this. What programs does the university offer that you feel will help you achieve your goals?


- What exactly do you plan to major in and how does music relate to it?

- I will be a bit harsh here and say that the letter is simplistic in tone, does not establish an idea of your purpose for enrollment, and does not reflect any career goals for you. As an application letter, this is not only weak but ill effective. However, it shows room for improvement. You just have to work on it based upon the letter prompt provided.

Once we know what the prompt is, we can help you direct the letter towards fulfilling the letter's needs.

Undergraduate / My reflection on the novel written by Leo Tolstoy; the supplemental essay for Boston College [3]

- Nicole, Rather than narrating the passage from the story, you should somehow find a way to connect it to your personal experience. That way you will create the reason as to why this particular novel by Tolstoy is important to you. The more you connect with the story, the better the admissions officer will be able to develop an idea about what you are like as a person. Remember, every essay is a part of your preliminary interview. So you have to make your personality stand out in each paper you write. I am not saying this is a bad opening statement, I am just saying it can be better :-)

- These passages do not resonate as answering a part of the question being asked. You are being asked about why a particular novel is meaningful to you. You deviated from the prompt and spoke about yourself instead. Towards the end you mention Ivan's lifestyle but it is too late, you have already deviated too much from the topic. If you wish, you can do a comparison of yourself with Ivan instead. Do you mirror his strengths and weaknesses? If so, explain how and remember that it has to relate to the importance of the novel to you.


- How exactly did the novel help you plan your life? Why do you doubt Ivan's conviction? How does that doubt apply to you?

For your conclusion, you should try to sum up the importance of the novel to you again, this time using one strong word if possible, Altruism.

Writing Feedback / People are born with a skill that makes human different from other organisms - GRE essay [3]

Tan, you have certainly written a very compelling essay that looks deeply into the reasons behind the prompt. Aside from a few grammatical errors, this is a very solid piece of writing that you should be proud of.


- ... makes humans different from organisms.
- You should have a paragraph that will explain how the human mind and technology work hand in hand. The human mind thinks of how to make life easy and we create the technology. Therefore, the ability of man to think for himself will never be diminished or dwindle.


- Always refer to how the human mind is what makes technology work. The math problems may have been solved by a computer but it was the human mind that taught the computer how to solve the complex calculations. Always refer to the power of the human mind and how all our technology revolves around our brains and minds that created the simplistic technology for others.


- Again, refer to the power of the human mind to think up creative solutions to these problems. Explain how the human mind works as the most complex computer in the world making it the most capable problem solver of all time. Thus, the need to think will always be a requirement in any field of problem solving.


- Discuss this from the point of view that the human mind is the very key by which the advances in education have come to also. Studying is now easier because the human mind made it so. There is nothing that we will do in our daily lives, regardless of the mundane task, that will not require us to think and use our brains. This is a connection in the discussion that should be a continuing trend throughout the paper.


- If you strengthen your previous discussions, then this simple conclusion will work. Right now, it is lacking in depth and meaning. So I advise you to rewrite the paper using the above suggestions to strengthen the overall content and impact of your discussion.

After you have applied the content revisions, the grammar revisions will follow.

Undergraduate / GRE It is more harmful to compromise one's own beliefs than to adhere to them. [4]

TNAM, one of the best ways to address this kind of essay is to first discussing the side that you do not support. That way you can present all of the possible arguments that you know are available to attack your stance. Make their stance seem as weak as possible so that you can present your supporting paragraphs in the best strength available as well. This means that you will have to write at least 2 non supporting paragraphs prior to your supporting paragraphs. The non supporting paragraphs should contain only one solid idea each and be well developed in a discussion sense. After that, you may then proceed to discuss the supporting stance, covering 2 paragraphs as well, making it sound as strong as possible in order to create a solid foundation for your opinion. Your opinion should come at the end of the paper and be the strongest discussion or reason that you will be presenting to the reader. By weakening the opposing argument, you will be able to discuss from a position of strength. It is best to use your personal experience in support of your statement rather than using other examples that may present other argument avenues for the opposition to use.

Right now your discussions are too short and weak to be able to defend either side. You need to do some research or interview some people in order to get their opinion on the topic so that you can use that as primary source information in your discussion. That will also help you find holes in the opposing discussion that you can use against them in your personal opinion or general opinion discussion of the topic.