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Posts by yuukinohan4
Name: Nur H
Joined: Mar 4, 2017
Last Post: Mar 28, 2017
Threads: 9
Posts: 23  
From: Indonesia
School: UN

Displayed posts: 32
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yuukinohan4   
Mar 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Education and health care should be financed by authorities - everyone could get free access to it [4]

All education and health care should be funded by the government and free for everyone
To what extent do you agree and disagree with this opinion?


citizens' lives is at stake



Some important aspects of citizens' lives should get attention from government such as education and health care. Some people claim that those things should be financed by authority and every one gets free access. I totally disagree about that notion since education and health center should be halved funding by the government and that is also free just for the poor.

For a start, education and a sort of health care are authority's responsibility, but those should be halved in supporting of financial rather than fully funded. Because other aspects need to be financed to help societies lives. Take South Korea as an example of one country, which allocates its money to human development and renewable energy besides education and health care. As a results, South Korea successfully builds its country by balancing supporting finance and gets its desiring purpose such as equality of sharing fund and inhabitants take advantages of this.

Moreover, education and health care should not be free for every one. People, which are funded by government, should be undergone by poor people only. A 2015 Munich studies reveal that one third financed by authority object to those who are in poverty so that they are able to school without thinking about the educational cost. Also, hospital is not the luxury thing for those who suffer from particular diseases. Because of this, the poor will be easy to access the two aspects mentioned above. In other side, the rich are still able to study at school and get medical treatment by their money. As a result, this will bring equality of life to all members of communities.

To conclude, I stand at the idea that education and health center halved funding only by stakeholder to help the poor so that they also get a free access to those facilities. The counterpart should pay for those facilities because they have considerable money that does not need to be depended on the authority. To be predicted, this condition will bring notions to a better condition if money appropriately allocates to the necessity facilities and groups. (343 words)
yuukinohan4   
Mar 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / This essay about bar chart report related to "Average annual GDP growth" [3]

Hi @Binh Ngo, i will try to give you some suggestions toward your writing. Obviously, you have written a good writing paragraph task one and your grouping figures and idea can be clearly seen compared to the graph. I just wanna suggest that it should be better if every first sentence in each paragraph explains a general idea rather than directly mentions a figure. So that, every first sentence will represent your main idea and grouping paragraph. Thus readers can guess your idea and easily follow it. An error spelling >> steedy should be >> steady
yuukinohan4   
Mar 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / People have different views on dilemma if people successful in a sport should have higher earnings [6]

hi @nuradiapuspa

Firstly, in academic writing like IELTS writing task one and two, you should avoid using contraction either in your sentences or paragraphs

something that athlete can't do

Then, in first paragraph, after mentioning your topic sentences, you directly develop an example. Obviously, it should be better to mention a supporting idea first then exemplify it by an evidence such as your given example. So that your first paragraph also will get stronger. It seems also that there is a misspelling word routin >> routine.
yuukinohan4   
Mar 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / It is inevitable for using alternative energy resources to replace fossil fuel exploitation [3]

Alternative energy sources that use natural power of the wind, waves and sun are too expensive and complicated to replace the coal, oil, and gas that we use to power our cities and transport.

To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


wind/water/solar power instead of fossil fuels?



It is inevitable for finding alternative energy resources to replace fossil fuel usage such as wind power, wave power station, and solar power. However, some people argue that those are too costly and highly complex to afford. Privately, I agree to use non-fossil fuel even though those alternative powers are expensive, they are likely to change the needs of fuel from gas and oil to power our city and transport by eco-friendly electrical sources.

The evidence of high pricey and complexity of establishing natural powers lead to be unaffordable for many countries. Because government should find and collect particular materials to construct them, the party also should manage to generate efficient electricity that requires a great deal of effort from expertise. According to TIMES (2014), Japan is a country that has implemented solar power. It has to spend five years to construct this energy source, and it has allocated a far amount of money to run such power. Some technicians also were called on contributing this purpose. Therefore, construction of natural powers highly requires profound contribution material, time, and human endeavor.

Nevertheless, the way to diminish pollutions and drawbacks of vehicles' fumes is to apply natural power as far. Much research has conducted and some countries have run the alternative energy for city lighting and for driving cars. A 2015 The Economist magazine had published article said that one third of developing countries have applied natural resources as their electricity generator for lives. They have taken advantage of such sources and have recouped substantial amount of money by an Eco-friendly fuel. The emissions have declined threefold compared to the conventional energy usage. Hence, it drives many benefits to those countries, especially for environment condition.

To sum up, although alternative energy may expense much budget of government, the result gains sometimes fulfill the expectations either for people or for surrounding. Hence, many years later it should carry out experiment to optimize natural power using in worldwide. (371 words)
yuukinohan4   
Mar 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / Comparison between average yearly costs on cell phone and landline phone services from 2001 to 2010 [5]

Hi Tu Nguyen
I have read your essay and i have notice that you mentioned both data reversely. so, i suggest you to mark the data clearly and correctly before you start to write. In addition, it seems that your writing pattern (paragraph one and two were the same). You may use other pattern such as using and exploring application of language of change or language of comparison of both data. How many gap numbers of both data presented. Also, find other synonym of such words, if you do not, you may use such words in a distance. So that, it does not appear like repetition. You should notice about your grammatical error and misspelling since i found any.

hope it helps you...
yuukinohan4   
Mar 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / Globalization - process of International integration which have its impact on people's life [3]

Hi @javiernilo2
To be honest, i get confuse when i firstly read your whole writing. Since it has a poor punctuation and you less disorganize every sentence you have made. Thus, i suggest you to reorganize your sentence especially in the last sentence.

Most of the clothes (...) economic relations (fulstop) As I said before (comma) globalization affects us ...

You also need to notice more your grammatical error.

Hope it helps you...
yuukinohan4   
Mar 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some alterations that had been done at West Park Secondary School from 1950 to 2010 [2]

The diagram shows the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.


list of changes in the school area



The pictures present some alterations that had been done at West Park Secondary School from 1950 to 2010. Overall, it can be seen that since its construction, the West Park has changed surrounding the school two times in which the last changes were to enlarge parking area, causing sports field and playground to be narrowed.

In 1980, places beside the school experienced refurbishment to be a part of school's areas. These areas initially stood some houses next to the school. On the opposite side of residence built farmland. However, housing estate was totally altered to be science block in the east, exactly compacted to the school building. In the left side of such building, car park took place and field transformed to be sports area.

In the next three decades, those school facilities got change anymore. There was car park that was broadened where sports field totally moved in front of school building, meaning that playground's area was getting narrow down. (161 words)



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yuukinohan4   
Mar 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment [6]

Hi @tuantu1710
Actually, i get your view of grouping. However, some sentences made your writing applied repetition.

On the other hand, 2001 witnessed the similar fluctuation ...

Those sentence seemed that you elucidated trend of worker and teacher salaries, then you objected to compare with other figures. It should be better if you directly compared them without red-marked sentence.

Turning into your first body paragraph, it appeared continuing from your overview. I just suggest you to use opening sentence before directly explain your main idea such as a closer look at, at first glance, firstly, first of all, etc. Take a look at your word order adverb-adjective-noun as a phrase. It needs to be fixed.

Hope it helps you. Gudlak.
yuukinohan4   
Mar 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Car Ownership increasing big traffic jams [4]

Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jams'.
How true do you think this statement is?
What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?


tackling the traffic jams issue



In the last three decades, a growing number of civilians have purchased cars to fulfill their needs travelling from one place to another. Because of this, many cities in the world have been marked as 'one big traffic jam'. Personally, I believe this is true due to the fact that the way people buy cars are getting easier. Therefore, governments should take into consideration to deal with this problem such as increasing tax payment.

It becomes affordable for societies to get car ownership. Since they just allocate a bit amount of deposit to get new vehicle and make an installment payment later, this will lead other persons to do the same that will overflow the road. It will be getting worse if every dweller has one four-wheel vehicle as their means to travel away. Such condition point out a busy road where numerous cars make a long line in particular time such as coming-home time at afternoon and leaving-home time in the morning.

To tackle the traffic congestion problem, authorities should take a policy to reduce car driving on the road. What strategy I offer is to increase tax payment for each car belonging. Stakeholders are able to ask a far substantial of levy for each automobile that every individual has. I believe this way will stimulate car drivers to rethink driving car because they should subsidize much money for such expenditure.

To conclude, it is unavoidable that easiness having transport especially cars. It drives people to buy those modes, bringing to traffic congestion problems in many parts of the world. By increasing an amount of money payment, it expects to urge citizens not to utilize automobile thanks to high expenses anxiety. (280 words)
yuukinohan4   
Mar 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / IETLS Writing task 1 - 'Parkway Hotel customer service' pie chart [4]

Hi @chikachika

I just want to suggest you that in overview, it should be better not to include numbers. Since you can elucidate number or figure in body paragraph, you just mention the striking figure and general trend of graph. Also, it should be better to equalize the average numbers or rows of your sentences between body paragraph 1 and 2. Since it seems that your body paragraph two was very lack, the minimum number of sentences of paragraph is three.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING PART 2 ex-criminals are good teacher for teenagers on danger of committing a crime [3]

Hi @Neo Lee
After reading a whole of your essay, I can understand the reason of your agreement toward the prompt. However, I just want to suggest you to append additional sentence just like conclusion in your first body paragraph. It will emphasize your idea after exemplifying. turning into body paragraph two, i am likely to say that "on the other hand" phrase is inappropriate using there because you elucidated continuation of your agreement from body one. In your conclusion section, you may add recommendation or prediction toward the prompt that related to your opinion.

hope it helps ye
yuukinohan4   
Mar 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Oil resources and Consumption annually in the same areas [4]

world petroleum production



The bar graphs compare the proportion of world petroleum production and the amount of its usage per year in the same regions. Generally speaking, Middle East countries are the largest home of oil producers. However, its consumption is far below the countries in Asia.

A closer look at the detail of the bar graph, while countries of Middle East take the first position of oil resources, two regions in the world are almost a par percentage of oil productions. They are Eastern Europe and Africa, which yield 6.58 percent and 6.38 percent of grease production consecutively. These are eight times lower than Middle East does. On the other hand, Canada's oil resources are double of Central and South America's yielding at 14.84%. All mentioned countries consume an average percentage of oil at around 6% below.

Meanwhile, the other regions producing less oil seem to utilize a great deal of oil consumption. Asia is the biggest petroleum consumer among the big regions at 26.21% by which twelvefold of its resources percentage. It has around 1% lower than United States use. However, Australia and New Zealand are the least grease resources, which utilize the least oil so. (195 words)



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yuukinohan4   
Mar 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / Oil resources and Consumption annually in the same areas [4]

Hi @Holt thanks for always giving me advice

By the way, you forgot to indicate the amount of oil produced by the Middle East. You cannot just say that the country is the biggest producer.

This is my overview so that i do not include any numbers or figures there.
Based upon this -->

Generally speaking, Middle East countries are the largest home of oil producers. However, its consumption is far below the countries in Asia

has my overview been clearly seen?
yuukinohan4   
Mar 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / The line graph depicts the different modes of transportation used by the country United Kingdom [6]

Hi @Sajeemaka

I have already read your entire essay, i just suggest you to group the paragraph of your overview in your introduction paragraph in case that you wrote your overview before your body paragraphs. Moving to your body paragraph, it should be better if you combine to compare the figure of road and pipeline instead of just straightly explain merely the number of each figures. In second body paragraph, you actually are able to elucidate an overlap between water and rail number in 1978 because this a very striking point. Please notice your words spelling and grammar using.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / Many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school [6]

Hi @Okaeef
I've read your entire essay and i found some phrases and words that i did not understand exactly. I guessed that you may misspell the words because i have searched such words and i find nothing such as pupples. In introduction, you are able to refer into your body paragraph toward the idea that you want to elaborate. so that readers can get an initial illustration regarding your body paragraph instead of just said that you wanted to explain. Your first body paragraph needs a strong emphasizing regarding your idea.

To put in a nutshell, I pen down saying that the solutions will work better and quicker if the parents the school work together.

In your conclusion, i think it is not enough to just say like that. It can be a recommendation given as additional sentences. However, you need to conclude your essay explanation. It can be included; word or phrase of conclusion, thesis statement, main idea of each paragraph, and recommendation/suggestion.

hope it helps you.
yuukinohan4   
Mar 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / Plethora numbers of criminal activities - causes of crime rate and effort to prevent them [4]

Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

poverty and unemployment the main cause of the crime rise?



Daily newspaper headlines publish a plethora numbers of criminal on many kinds of offenses. I believe this account is caused by the condition of civilians trapped in poverty and as many as unemployment recorded. Therefore, to deal with this case, government should aid poor societies and should open job opportunity to employ them.

Persons who are miserable are likely to commit a crime. Since their conditions sometimes force them to fulfill their needs instantly. They frequently get confused to make a living and chances to offend often widened-open. For instance, a beggar who begs on the bus and looks on a standing-man's pocket suddenly pick a man's item in a chance. The same happens to idleness persons, who give up looking for a job and transforming to be a gangster member. To satisfy their necessity, they often commit a crime such as mugging, knife crime, pocket picking, and valuable theft.

To prevent a crime rate happening in daily life, government should take quick actions. Authority is able to give help to the poor by supporting capital to assist them launching enterprise. This will guide poor individuals for getting daily revenue. For jobless societies, government should collaborate with such corporations/companies to hire employees, especially those who are unemployed. They will be trained to improve their work capacity as well as skilled workers.

To sum up, criminal activity is able to cut down when we meet with the solutions of causations. We should take a lot of concern, mainly on human development work either skill or ability to make money. Since offenses frequently connect to low financial and hard economy condition, leading low class to commit illegal actions. (276 words)
yuukinohan4   
Mar 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / The most important aspect of a job is the size of money you earn. Big salary vs job satisfaction? [3]

Hi @Mohsen23
I know that your idea disagrees the prompt. However, sometimes i get confuse because a lot of asking sentences that overwhelms your body paragraph. Did you mind that your readers would understand your purpose by asking question? Unfortunately, it didn't work form me as a reader. Turning to your body paragraph two, you wrote "furthermore" that means your idea connects to the first body paragraph, but it did not relate.

There is a never-ending list to follow in addition what ...

It reflects that your conclusion did not cover all your idea, instead you add additional information that you should avoid.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / The three different charts present the percentage of four different categories of foods utilized [7]

Hi @Maitouyen282

While people in the world utilized (...) nuts and seeds, at 19% and 11%, in turn

you may find another way to compare the percentage of each figures, not just by above. Since i found that almost all of comparisons you made was like above.

For example
People in the world utilized slight the figure of nuts and seeds, in the region of 4%, which was almost fourfold larger of nuts and seeds....

you may vary other style of comparison rather than just straightly mentioned the number of figures orderly.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / How a solar powered water pump works [5]

Solar power usage to transfer water from low level of soil to the countryside



A presented picture reveals the way water pump works with aid of solar power. Generally speaking, it is clearly seen how solar power cells absorb light from the sun to generate water from underground level to fulfill villagers' needs.

First of all, to transfer water from low level of soil to the countryside, it requires some supporting equipment. They are solar panel photovoltaic cells, DC power from panel, water tank, and bore pump. Material used in this process is mainly solar power from sunlight. In the beginning, solar panel is built next to the immersed-bore pump, which goes down underground after drilling to be well. Afterwards, substantial amount of light is captured by the solar cells that are transformed to be electricity through DC power.

Secondly, such converted current will encourage water from the lowest level of well turning up. Water will be gone up to water tank by helping of electricity, which will be flown in to the village. Next, it will be utilized by societies in various necessities. (170 words)



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yuukinohan4   
Mar 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / It is difficult to imagine a life without music. Traditional or popular, modern music? [3]

Hi @nutwararat
i have read a whole of your essay. I am going to give you some suggestions. In your introduction essay, it should be better when you introduce your idea that you want to elucidate in body paragraphs. Turning in to your first body paragraph, it seems like your idea less emphasizing. Before "therefore...." it is not really sharp then to conclude at the end of the paragraph. Also, before you exemplifying your idea, it should be better if you add an additional sentence that support your topic sentence (supporting idea). The same happens in your second body paragraph in which you less elaborate your idea. You also do not decide your position or answer regarding the prompt, why we need music and what type of music is more popular. In your conclusion, you may choose the opening phrase of conclusion such as " to conclude, in conclusion, to sum up, etc." Lastly, it should be better if you explain more and more and dig your idea to elaborate deeply since your essay is almost under length (251 words).

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / Unveiling crimes using sophisticated technology [6]

Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


investigating people



Hitherto, the way to investigate people (by sound and image) gets easier by utilizing advanced technology such as wiretapping and camera recording. This will lead drawback for recording persons because they are not aware of such treatment, which will uncover their own privacy. However, I believe advantage outweigh disadvantage because in many cases this condition frequently reveals criminal activity.

Monitoring individuals while they perform such action will disrupt their private area, even without their knowledgeable. Due to the reason that persons have their own rights to undergo their lives without any disturbance from others, these persons are able to report who monitor them that take for granted any permissions because numerous countries have decided regulations toward human rights and personal matters. Therefore, it may end up with human right violation that should be retaliated by imprisoning.

Having said that, surveillance camera or cellphone tracking will divulge hidden offence activities. In many cases, this will truly happen in communities. A 2015 Kompas published that two third corruption cases were revealed by bugging with listening device, which will lead to know who were involved in such illegal actions. According to Sindo News (2014), 24 cases of residence robbing were disclosed by recording of CCTV (closed-circuit television) cameras of houses. Therefore, I am able to say this will benefit for societies and country in such cases of activity to uncover criminal activity.

To conclude, though technology may infringe private area of societies, it will be more positive when it comes to help police to detect invisible crime. To be predicted, it will lead greatly criminal matters to unveil in the future using sophisticated technology. (272 words)
yuukinohan4   
Mar 14, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Do you think it is important to protect animals? What measures can be taken? [6]

Hi @blu
your body paragraph 's sentences building are great. However, your introduction is still alike the prompt so that you may reconstruct your introduction next. Turning to your conclusion, it was very limited and i suggest you to add and to recover your thesis statement and main ideas in other ways of paraphrasing sentences. Do not just like copy the introduction.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 14, 2017
Writing Feedback / Online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013 [2]

The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


Sales numbers comparison



The two pie charts compare how four types of retails have been sold online in New Zealand (measured in percentage) in 2003 and 2013. Overall, it is clearly that considerably customers ordered for trip online. However, the position was overtaken by selling of digital sound and digital image later.

At first glance, in 2003, numerous people highly booked for traveling through e-commerce and only a few of online shopping purchaser bought clothes on the internet. Selling through online trip agency saw 36 percent in New Zealand, which was 12% smaller than clothing sales. A decade later, those items decreased slightly in which clothes were almost three times larger of declining numbers of journey ticket selling at less than a third.

On the other hand, entertainment witnessed popular selling in 2013. Film or music was highly sold in which its selling was mentioned as the biggest inclined from 2003 to ten years later by 11 percent. This doubled of book selling percentage at more than a fifth at the end of the period recording. (173 words)



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yuukinohan4   
Mar 14, 2017
Writing Feedback / How a solar powered water pump works [5]

Hi @Holt
Thanks for your regular and constructing feedbacks

This overview is not as strong as it can be even though there is a very clear method of presentation that could have allowed you to earn the higher score.

could you give me those suggestion details?

Discuss the materials first, then the water pumping procedure in the next paragraph

Is it okay to explain the materials only in one body paragraph like this?

First of all, to transfer (...) solar power from sunlight.

or how if i may write at less than three sentences?
yuukinohan4   
Mar 14, 2017
Writing Feedback / Unveiling crimes using sophisticated technology [6]

Hi @Holt
thanks for your valuable feedbacks

...your opinion on the ... Your opening statement did not represent a prompt summary, rather, it represented an immediate discussion of your opinion, without a proper introduction to the topic and outline for the discussion development.

is it not good to combine a prompt sentence to my idea of essay? Virtually, i merge those and i suppose that those including paraphrasing.

.... Therefore, you should try to improve your practice tests based on the actual exam setting. There is no opportunity for you to use research materials, so don't practice using those non-existent elements in the exam center.

Actually, i try to implement academic writing pattern containing evidence of essay that i suppose is able to improve my score.
yuukinohan4   
Mar 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS TASK 2 - Topic: Tourism - influence for visited places. [6]

Hi @Datnguyen
Firstly, i want to suggest you to paraphrase all the prompt because it is important to lead your essay in idea that you want to deliver. In your introduction, you should introduce briefly about the way tourists should do to reduce harmful effects, so that readers will know the illustration of your essay bodies. Turning to your body paragraph, the question asks you two things, better if you divide your ideas or explanation into two paragraph based on the questions. Body one: explain about "how true is this statement?" then the explanation of the others in body two.

"What can tourist do to increase the disadvantage effects of tourism?"

but it still negative impacts so the governments and individuals need good ways to solve and increase effects.

increase vs decrease, you may write a wrong word that confuse readers. It should be "decrease" not "increase".

You deliver idea about the way tourists can do to prevent harmful in environment less deep. You need to pick one idea from many ideas to elucidate deeply, so that readers are able to understand fully your offered solution.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 - An increasing trend of living or studing abroad [4]

hi @Maitouyen282

about living and studying and working overseas.

better if you change and to be comma before 'studying'

Firstly, the most serious problem is that people can't adapt to a new and strange environment.

In academic essay, you have to avoid using contractions, i found many on yours.
It is clear that you have multiple ideas both advantages and disadvantages so that you divide them to make it really clears for readers. However, the last body paragraph has a pretty short sentences in which you can put into the third body paragraph as the further explanations.

hope it helps you...
yuukinohan4   
Mar 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Railroads vs Road Budget - IETLS CAMBRIDGE 11 TASK 2 [5]

hi @daiha20082009

That car, bus, motorbike and many vehicle are the main factor emit a ton of CO2 into the atmosphere annually,

it should be better to say "carbon dioxide" rather than write the formula
Sometimes i found non-sense sentences in which it will be better of you mention what kind of transportation using railways because railways are the way not the carrier of passengers, so does the road. In your conclusion, you may state your agreement plus your thesis statement. Overall, your essay is good.
yuukinohan4   
Mar 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / There are several reasons why nuclear technology is really worthwhile for humans life [3]

Hi @anonym28
First of all, please insert the prompt so that essay forum members are able to give you required solutions. However, i will give you several suggestions.

taking an example, according to the specialist, this power could be replace the use of natural resources such as coal, oil, and gas.

you managed to use research sources in your body paragraph, but it is unclear because you do not include the exact and clear sources that may be a journal or article from news.

In your body two paragraph, the final sentence does not balance your explanation
In your conclusion, you are able to conclude essay based on your thesis statement and main ideas rather than just write normative sentences.
In academic writing, please avoid using contractions.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / "The importance of biodiversity" task 2 writng module IELTS [4]

Hi @Sabrena_amal

Biodiversity importance is being more widely recognized as increasing the numbers of species under threat.

It is really alike with the prompt, even so you really need to paraphrase the sentence.

In this essay I'll argue some suggestions introduced.

IELTS essay is comprised academic writing, meaning that you have to avoid using contractions on yours

no people can live there as it may contain dangerous animals to be lived with

i think this sentence does not relate to the topic that you are asked to discuss and also in the paragraph you placed.

In body paragraph, you can emphasize your idea by using example rather than add additional idea that seems like need more explanation to deliver.

In conclusion, you can paraphrase your thesis statement and main ideas so that it can finalize your thoughts.

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: art-based subject can improve students' performance in secondary school. [6]

hi @agus_mono
I have read your whole essay and these are my suggestions.
In your introduction, you also are able to introduce briefly regarding your the idea that you want to present as an illustration to readers.
Your first body paragraph, avoid to put 'so' as the opener sentence.

So that, it is clear that pupil's skills are increased by art-based subject.

You can replace it using 'as a result' or 'thus' because such sentence is a concluding idea.
The second body paragraph needs a closing statement to emphasize your idea that art-based subjects highly influence students' performance.
Your conclusion

performance in school rather than scientific subject.

you never explained scientific subject or compared it to art-based subjects so that you may not say it. You are able to highly paraphrase your thesis statement plus main ideas of your essay.

Keep writing~

hope it helps you
yuukinohan4   
Mar 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York [7]

hi @Maitouyen282

... in a region of 250 million in January to 500 million in December.

I am not sure what figure you mention is, but i want to suggest that in summary of Writing task 1, you should avoid to include numbers.

with peaking in September approximately 60 million of dollars.

peaking? in fact, the line chart showed a dramatic decline in September.

in turn

you also are able to replace 'in turn' with respectively or consecutively.

hope it helps you
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