Undergraduate / The multitude of resources ; NYU - WHY NYU & ACADEMIC AREAS? [6]

The multitude of resources ranging from libraries like the Bobst Library to student centers available at NYU New York has drawn me to the campus (WHAT CAMPUS). No dashes required

In addition, La Maison Francaise, a center of French culture in New York, is unique to the campus (WHAT CAMPUS) .
Having studied French for four years, I have developed an interest for French culture and would love to attend lectures, film screenings and other programs at the center.

Additionally, the vast number of internship and community service opportunities available at New York has convinced me that - at the NYU New York campus There we go, mention it in the beginning - I wouldwill be able to extend my academic pursuits by gaining valuable experiences outside the spectrum of the classroom.

Did you edit this for grammar at all? It was a grammatical mess. A quick google search of NYU New York Campus brought up the bobst Library and La Maison Francaise. I am almost positive half of the students that chose this campus will write about the things you wrote about. Community service and research/internships are brought up a lot. Bring up city life, how the residence halls are unique. Why does it appeal to YOU, do not write about what you googled.

Undergraduate / The multitude of resources ; NYU - WHY NYU & ACADEMIC AREAS? [6]

I think focusing on International Relations is good enough, there is literally no tangent that I could think of to link it to Language. Other than probably cultural awareness. You emphasize International Relations so much that adding Language would be like: "I really like to eat apples. They are so delicious. Every time I see an apple, it makes my mouth water. Oh man, would I really love an apple. Snakes are scary."

Undergraduate / RACISM; Issue of personal, local, national or international concern [4]

I really like this essay, but I feel like many people are going to write about the exact same thing you did. Facing racism and trying to stop it. You do not really show other personalities about yourself such as your characters. It shows you are courageous and willing to defend others but you should add in the end something like this event has taught me (list of personalities etc...)

Undergraduate / The perfect balance of everything; U Chicago/ Why? [11]

Is this the first essay? I would say this is a pretty big essay. Cut it down. Let me go through it and check for any mistakes.

Undergraduate / Fascination with Eye Contact; Yale Supp/ learn more about you [6]

Dish is the cutest thing :3. List of words I can think of: Cheese. Hello.
Hello would be a good one since you can go off the basis of before you were shy about saying Hello, but your pictures certainly give me the "Hello" look... If you get what I mean? After your shy stage, you are more outgoing and willing to say "Hello" to people and to get to know others around you.

Or something like that...

Hope this helps just a little :)

Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]

First of all, do not use contractions. This is a formal essay. The flow is not that great. The transition in the end of personal goal does not fit with the rest of the essay. This is a three part response of WHAT, WHY, and how does Cornell's schools apply to what you just described. You leave a short paragraph for Cornell while spending too much time explaining extraneous details of economics.

Also, this sounds a little like you are not just interested in economics but also history and anthropology adding these could add some dimension. And I would not mention brushing aside biology or engineering it does not add anything to the essay.

Hope this helps a little.

Undergraduate / Women in maroon BU scrubs; Boston University/ Why BU is a good fit? [3]

You talk a lot about how BU has great programs. You do not emphasize the fact that there will be others that are pursuing the same interest as you. Emphasize more outside of the educational aspect and dig deeper into the extracurricular/community aspect of BU. BU is within Boston etc...

Undergraduate / We moved to back to Baltimore ; UVa SUP; World you come from? [7]

In 2001, we (Who is we?) moved to back to Baltimore after living in Israel fora2two year trail in Israeli living . When we got off the plane, I was hit hard with reality like the first blast of winterthe situation I was in . I had lost everything. It was the fresh start I didn'tthat I did not need. I felt like a criminal, but I wasn't running away from anything, I was trying to run back. Close friends, Ll anguages, bartering skills, they all meant nothing now in this new world they called "Maryland". (I'm almost positive close friends, languages, bartering skills do mean something in Maryland...)

I remember planning onto holding an eternal grudge against my parents for this hurtful move but I guess time heals all wound (Why so philosophical?) . The thing is I was born in Baltimore but spending my time unconsciously drooling didn't help meneverbuildbuilt a strong bond with "Charm City". I was used to stores closing on Fridays for Shabot and, apartment complexes separated by less than a block awaywith , and everything inwithin walking distance. Now In Pikesville, my closest neighbor is a 4-5four to five minUTE walk away, cornfields surround my house, and the highway(I-695)Interstate 695 is my backyard.

At first, adjusting to life in Baltimore was challenging. However, as time went on, I began to see the good side of things.It took me around 10 years to see the good side of things. My parents wanted space, a quiet life, and cool weather.- the space, the quiet life, the lack of +100 degree heat waves. I appreciate thesnowy days that I can spend snowed in with my family, wearing pajamas and eating cereal, but I still miss that crammed 2ndsecond floor apartment room I called home. ButHowever,it'sIt is never too late to study abroad.

Check your grammar. This did NOT described how it shaped you to become who YOU are. It describes the places. What did you learn? What are your personalities/traits? How did these two dichotomy of worlds impact your life?

Undergraduate / I'm different form my Mom; Significant influence (Person) [6]

I have talked to numerous college counselors as well as admissions directors (My uncle is the admissions director for UPenn.)
Guess what the most popular answer is for this question? Mothers, mom, motherly figure.
Colleges read these types of essays and expect the worst. Even though this might be a great essay, colleges will put it aside. (Sorry to be so blunt)

I would suggest using someone else :/

Undergraduate / "Happiness is a choice"; Stanford Supp - Letter to Roommate [9]

The whole point of this essay is for Stanford to pair up people that are similar in nature and make them roommates :).

Reply to yuzec95

Undergraduate / We moved to back to Baltimore ; UVa SUP; World you come from? [7]

LarryHoover
In 2001, we moved to back to Baltimore after living in Israel for two years. When my family and I got off the plane I was hit hard with themy situation. I had lost everything. It was the fresh start I didn't need. I felt like a criminal, but I wasn't running away from anything,; I was trying to run back. Old friends, old languages, bartering skills, they all meant nothing in this new world they called "Maryland".

I remember planning to hold an eternal grudge against my parents for this hurtful move but time heals all wounds. (Previous sentence doesn't relate to next. Rethink this. I was born in Baltimore but spending my time unconsciously drooling didn't help me build a strong bond with "Charm City". I was used to stores closing on Fridays for Shabot, apartment complexes separated by less than a block away, and everything within walking distance. Now Ii n Pikesville, my closest neighbor is a four to five minute walk away, cornfields surround my house, and Interstate 695 is my backyard.

At first adjusting to life in Baltimore was challenging. However, as time went on, I began to see the good side of things. (Sentences are too short, you need to elaborate on this paragraph) My parents wanted space, a quiet life, and cool weather. I still miss that crammed second floor apartment room I called home but now I appreciate days that I can spend snowed in with my family, wearing pajamas and eating cereal. Anyways it's never too late to study abroad;in Israel, Turkey, Serbia and so on. This quote should go somewhere in the beginning. "Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change"-said Stephen Hawking

Overall, better! It's coming together, make another edit.

Grammar, Usage / (Julia Law and Psychology..) - WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SENTENCE? [5]

Hello Julia Hou,

Without context, the edit would be this:
Having had taught Julia Law and Psychology to and had numerous intriguing discussions over the dinner table last summer with Julia over the dinner table last summer , this quirky professor leaves (or left) no time for boredom.

Also did she teach Julia over the summer?

Undergraduate / We moved to back to Baltimore ; UVa SUP; World you come from? [7]

I like it. I think it's a good version. Get the opinion of others haha :)

Undergraduate / RACISM; Issue of personal, local, national or international concern [4]

You can for sure keep this one! Just make sure to add your personalities in the end :)

Undergraduate / 'Jessica' - a moment when your perspective changed; BROWN U [8]

Hello Girl/Guy!
First off, my condolences for Jessica.

I no longer take people for granted. I cannot part my wayswith somebody without fixing an argument or without saying "I love you" or "Take care" because I have learned from herJessica that our lives can change in a span of seconds and we oftenit is too often thatwe become absorbed in the trivial details of life and notthat we forget to savor the moment with the people we care about fully. Jessica will never know the impact she had on me but every day I spread her message. She was significant.

Undergraduate / Diverse nurturing environment/ Dynamic Urban life; Why Chicago U? [2]

The University of Chicago emphasizes the ideas of those that attend the university.
UChicago KNOWS all of its statistics and what it is capable of. What I wrote for my EA UChicago Supp Q1 was about the emphasis of ideas and the ability for UChicago to expand the mind. I never mentioned UChicago ONCE in the first 4 paragraphs of my essay. The whole idea of Chicago is that it is unique from the other universities. It is about providing the opportunity and resources for you to test out your ideas. And yes. I did.

Jack Wei

Undergraduate / Quiet/Picturesque/Homely feeling/Meaningful ideas/Witty Banter; Why Columbia Essay? [4]

No exclamation marks. No Essentially. Cacophony makes New York sound like hell (Even though it is, Columbia loves New York City).
Good essay! This will sway you towards the admissions pool for sure.

Undergraduate / I love challenges; Johns Hopkins/ Why math major? [5]

JHU emphasizes the research and interaction between professors and students aspect of learning.
Add more about their TA program at JHU for mathematics or even the ability for you to be challenged in mathematics and learn from Nobel laureates in Mathmatics at JHU.

Undergraduate / The perfect balance of everything; U Chicago/ Why? [11]

Okay. They give you a prompt. You list out the answer 1,2,3. How many people that applied to Chicago do you think will do that?
*You answer things in present tense. UChicago WILL not UChicago provides bla bla bla.
Answer: Tons.
New question asked by UChicago: What makes you unique? Why does our MAIN goal of expanding the ideas of the future generation make you want to come to UChicago?

My unorthodox method of writing for Chicago EA: For every sentence, I had "I" in front of it. I want to, I hope to, I desire to, I will. I got in.

Undergraduate / UCHICAGO How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire [7]

haha. How did you know I was going to look at this?

First off, this essay is WAY too long. 538 words? That's an extended essay not a short response.

My EA essay was a whooping 200 words.

Your second paragraph has to be condense. Give UChicago the GENERAL idea of what it should be like. Don't write a story, hit the critical points. Don't do A, B, C, D but do A, made me realize D.

Plus UChicago knows how good its programs are. Mainly, Why Chicago? is about why YOU fit for Chicago not why Chicago fits you. Get the point? For example, I wrote about how I wanted a school to provide me with the ability to expand the capabilities of my mind and to be surrounded with those that are both similar to and unique from me.

Also, have you realized that everyone has mentioned Nobel laureates? This is because Nobel prizes etc... are the most mentioned topic in Why *insert university* essays.

"Your school has a lot of great people. It's great. I love it." Cool? Why not try something like: "At UChicago, the vastness of my mind will blossom into an endless stream of ideas."

Mention how UChicago contains the resources to put you among the greats at UChicago.

Just some thoughts.

Take em or leave em.

:)

Undergraduate / I love challenges; Johns Hopkins/ Why math major? [5]

Shorten down the whole thing about the Theorem.

Undergraduate / Liberal environment - the most appealing feature of Columbia [4]

First rec: mainly its LGBT. I work with the LGBT community and we rarely use Q if we do it would be LGBTQIA

Second Rec: This is sort of a risk. Even though most colleges are liberal, the admissions officers might not be. Some are extremely against LGBT.

Just some suggestions. Your essay is IMO flawless in content.

Undergraduate / "Opinions" What Matters to You and Why- Stanford Supp. [6]

All I see are opinions... After a word count, there are 14 opinions in your essay of 344 words. You should try using synonyms.

What matters to you and why?
This is very creative. I don't think that many people are going to use opinions... in my opinion (no pun intended)...

Overall, great essay. Like lily said, repetitive.

Undergraduate / Explanation of what affected my academic record my jr year of high school [2]

This is really sad. D: I'm sorry for what you've gone through but I'm glad that you overcame this challenge. Remember to use past tense as this happened in the past not present.

Also, try to cut the dialogue by your friends. Instead say something like: "All my friends thought bla bla bla..."

Undergraduate / 'Jessica' - a moment when your perspective changed; BROWN U [8]

It's okay br2pi5... Some people are ignorant.

Rewrite this essay and I'll give a second edit.

Undergraduate / Great city/ Wide range of studies/ College experience; WHY NYU? [19]

Why NYU not why NYC. Mention some NYC but mostly NYU. What makes you want to go to the NY Campus? Describe more of the university itself.

Undergraduate / "Confidence"; Stanford Supp - What Matters to You [2]

Hello, we meet again C:

Great! Your last paragraph is really repetitive though, add something else that isn't repeating what you wrote over and over again :)

Sorry for a bad edit. I'm really tired. I'll do it tomorrow C:

Undergraduate / 'Friend's T-shirt' - How did you find out about Brown? [6]

I am a bit confused. Which answer do you want to use?
The one you gave me on the other essay or this one?

Undergraduate / Commonapp EC short answer about charity works [6]

First off, the break between your call and "At the age of 11" is too sudden. The flow is off.
There has to be a transition.
At the age of 11, I met a little girl...
Explain the scenery on your journey? How does that relate to your bag on the bus? or even the pen? Elaborate.
Who is we.
You do not need to mention the faith thing or your sentence should be:
I participate in charity events with people of the same faith as me.

The shift in tone to "I did love charity events." is cold. It does not help you with admission. It literally shifts within one sentence and then suddenly goes back to the original tone.

Just some suggestions.

Undergraduate / 'Friend's T-shirt' - How did you find out about Brown? [6]

I am embarrassed to say I Googled "Colleges with the happiest students," and the same name kept popping up on every list: Brown University. I read further and became drawn to its Biology Department as well as the vast amount of research opportunities that it offers undergraduate students.

Undergraduate / 'Friend's T-shirt' - How did you find out about Brown? [6]

I am embarrassed to say I Googled "Colleges with the happiest students," and the same name kept popping up on every list: Brown University. I read further and became drawn to its Biology Department as well as the vast amount of research opportunities that it offers undergraduate students.

I think it's good. I edited it.

Undergraduate / Be on a golf course without golf clubs; COMMON APP [14]

First of all, try not to use parentheses. Don't try, avoid them completely. It is a formal essay.
This does show that you are a person that knows how to enjoy life and take things easy.
HOWEVER, it does not show who you are as a person such as personalities or traits that you possess.
Change the last paragraph to something about: "This experience has led me to realize..." and list some of your personality traits.
^Even this is a bad strategy. You describe the golf course and sky more than yourself.

This "significant experience" isn't that significant to the admission officers as much as it might be to you. How did it really change your life? How did it impact you as a person?

Undergraduate / Our experiences define ourselves; Mercersburg Essay/ Myself at Mercersburg [7]

How do you fit for the school. Don't make the mistake of showing how the school fits for you. The school knows that it is a good school and has good programs. Show how your personality/talents/uniqueness is a great addition for the school.

I would open with something about yourself and then conclude with Mercersburg stresses the importance of *insert all the things you wrote about*. Then say something like: "At Mercersburg, I will feel at home and be surrounded with those that are similar to yet unique from me. I will be given the opportunity to express all of my ideas."

Never use maybe, I would. Be affirmative in what you are writing. Don't say: "If I get in Mercersburg, I will...", simply say: "At Mercergsburg, I will..."

Hope I helped.

Undergraduate / Girls/ Night Walks/ Candy/ Scatter minded; Stanford Roommate [7]

Take the sex jokes out. Who do you think is reading your essay? Not a teenager.
This is a letter. Add Dear bla, or Hello Future roommate, come to the dark side. Or something to start it.

End it with your name.

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

First thing I see in this essay: Different Culture.
This is actually a very good topic to talk about.
However, I do have some criticism. First of all, "remains untouched, or worse, grows cold" does not make sense as if it remains untouched, it will grow cold in the first place.

Secondly, you did not answer the prompt fully. The admission officer understands why it is important to you. How did it shape you?
You do not say "it has taught me to become more open-minded", or "my *insert group name* has shaped me to become a more *bla* person."

I acknowledge that you participate in the group, but that is more of the purpose of the group. You have to mention something like "I used to be extremely shy and detested expressing my thought. But it all changed..." or something.

This describes what you do in the group and why it is important to you... somewhat. Despite this fact, I do not think you fully answered the prompt.

*The reason I didn't edit your response for grammar and diction/syntax was because I want you to revise it and give me a second edit.

Sorry if I'm being too blunt :/. I just like expressing my though :)

Undergraduate / Our experiences define ourselves; Mercersburg Essay/ Myself at Mercersburg [7]

If you want, write it and give me a shout. I will edit it for grammar and diction/syntax.

Undergraduate / Psychology is alive at Cornell/ Intellectual interests, their evolution.. [5]

Hi Vanessa,
First of all, it says intellectual interests which means that you have to not only mention psychology but something else.
You also need to relate it to the College of Arts and Sciences better.
Edit these into your essay and then I will look at your grammar and diction/syntax after I eat at Qdoba. C:

*Make a second version and post it. I promise I will edit it.

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

Hey whateveryournameis, hope this helps!

You would think with my plate full, I would start digging in, but the purpose of the sit-downs around this small round glass table stretch further than to satisfy our appetites. Every meal birthsgrants me the opportunity to discuss and speak my mind freely. Sometimes I may sit quitely on my stool, but I blossom in the occasion to reflect and forge an opinion.

Way better than your old response.

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

Hi Bruna :) my name is Jack Wei C:

I enjoy a selection of goods ranging from grandma's recipe of Spaghetti alla Bolognese to the classic Bolivian dish of Majadito to the Spanish saffron-seasoned Paella with clams, squid and octopus.

That should cut down some characters.

How many characters do you need to cut down after the edit?

Undergraduate / Determination to provide my family - Common app [5]

As much as I feel for you and as touching as this is, sob stories are very risky in essay writing.
#1 Choice for a topic about someone significant is "mom, mother, motherly figure" and it is overused as much as she might have impacted you.

Most admissions officers will start reading and think to themselves, "Another one of these essays."
I suggest either changing the subject or making it more about you (more than half the essay explaining why and how it impacted and continues to impact you).