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Posts by akbartaufiq25
Name: Muhammad Taufiq Akbar
Joined: Mar 26, 2016
Last Post: Nov 22, 2016
Threads: 7
Posts: 80  
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Negeri Gorontalo

Displayed posts: 87 / page 1 of 3
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akbartaufiq25   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / I do really appreciates for all comments and suggestions for my abstract draft. [3]

The issue of paraphrasing as textual borrowing in writing an academic paper draws researcher's attention to explore the paraphrasing skill of six English Department students, Universitas Negeri Gorontalo, specifically in the literature review section of a research proposal. In responds to this concern, a qualitative research will be carried out. Furthermore, the Keck's modified taxonomy of paraphrasing by Badiozaman (2014) will be applied to have an in-depth investigation toward students' paraphrasing skill in the literature review section. The finding revealed that among six students, three out of them are able to execute moderate revision and the other three only produce near copy. This emerges from the difference of these students' paraphrasing output in refers to the aspects in producing a qualified paraphrasing namely the sufficient knowledge of paraphrasing, the capability in analytic reading and its correlation in applying paraphrasing strategy, also the citation mechanic. Therefore, the finding suggests the necessity to expand students' concept about paraphrasing in reviewing literature by improving their skill with guidance from related institutions. Moreover, it is recommended to undertake further research about paraphrasing in wider scope due to investigate some possible issues related to paraphrasing and the other textual borrowing mechanic.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Essay about learning languages - English precisely - which is the primary language in many countries [3]

I agree with the above that you have some issues in your writing. I recommend you to simplify your writing. For instance, you may combine the opening sentence with the second one into "There are many people speak English, the international language, in the world". Remember, written language is different with spoken language. Spend your time in reading more academic writing or another written pieces, it is a valuable asset to improve your writing. Glad to help you.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Attention should be given to colour schemes when decorating places such as offices and hospitals [5]

Thank you for the comments. Joining this forum is a pleasure to me because I can improve my writing as well as gain deeper insights about grammar. I am still beginner in terms of proofreading,but I'll give my best in giving appropriate comments. I see that you have no issues in task responses and grammar in your writing. In addition to the above suggestions, there is a repetition in these two sentences: "Thus, offices and hospitals should be more careful in selecting the colour that they are going to use to decorate the room.

In conclusion, selecting an appropriate colour for offices and hospitals is crucial due to its tremendous effects to individuals' emotion".
I like your way in delivering the information straight to the point so that the ideas are putted in sequence. Still, I recommend you to be creative in using transition signal. For the lexical sources, how if you use paraphrasing or finding appropriate synonyms using a thesaurus? Hope this helps. Thanks in advance.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / An introductory part of my essay writing practice. [6]

Most of college students consider that the academic writing is quite intricate. They must follow some set of rules (such as the content, writing style, writing mechanics, etc) prior to composing the paper. Still, these components are the features in differencing an academic writing to the other types of writing which aim to express one's idea in written form. In addition, paying attention to the characteristics of an academic writing helps you to polish your writing and attracts readers' attention as well. This chapter brings you the insight regarding to the fundamental aspects of an academic writing.

The Exclusive of Academic Writing
Initially, finding several factors of why academic writing was being accused by many to be a complicating process is necessary prior to identifying the characteristics of writing in an academic setting. The nature of academic writing is compelling among the same activities. The point is the freshmen or inexperienced researchers' capability in understanding the academic writing. This consideration is illustrated in the following.

During the first time studying, undergraduate students are often perplexed with a new task or the upgraded version of a usual task they got in the senior high. Back then, a senior high student was given one or two homework by the teacher as the part of classroom activities. The tasks are usually concerned with the topics in a textbook, an unfinished quiz of classroom activities, or even write the continuation of the today's lesson. This was the habit of giving students homework in general. None of these activities are unimportant. It aims to give the students time to review the lesson.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Some people think personal happiness is directly related to economic success... [3]

I like the opening of your essay which is a paraphrased version of the question. I found an issue regarding the grammar in the sentence: In this essay, I am aimaiming at discussing both opinions and giving my own perspective. You may use varieties of transition signal to make your writing better, but do not overuse it. I can give you a score if it is based on the IELTS criteria, but I personally give 7 to your essay. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / An introductory part of my essay writing practice. [6]

@ichan: Hi Ichan, it's a pleasure for me to know that you are Indonesian too. And thanks for the "ETC" so that I can start to write something new with the ETC (Emergence of Thinking Capacity) :D

@justivy: Hello Ivy, it's a pleasure to read your amazing comments. I would like to ask you if is it possible for me to make this "introductory part" to be an introduction chapter of my upcoming book draft? I'd like to write something about academic writing based on me and my friend's experience. They have lots of problem in writing so probably I can help them through my work.

@cecep: Hi Cecep, it's nice to see that you got new vocabularies from my writing. I am practically in a process of developing my writing so it would be excellent if we share each other regarding our writing.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 22, 2016
Scholarship / KGSP-Undergraduate Personal Statement; what introduced me to Korean culture and educational system [3]

Hello hyungnari, I found that your essay is a convincing one. The points are successfully delivered in the writing. Still, I found an issue of redundant expression in the sentence: At this point, I have decided to devote my life to allow myself to make a difference in people's lives.

Furthermore, I think that you overused the word "and", you may consider it to split the sentence into two. Thus, I recommend you to use transition signals in your essay.

I went through hardships and I grew through them. KGSP will be my turning point, . andFurthermore, I would finally be engaging myself in an endeavor whose aim is to further understand the human mind and to build a bridge between Korea and Philippines, culture and academic-wise.

Keep sharing and writing.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The chart shows the changes that took place in three different areas [7]

Hi ani, it's a pleasure to read your writing. I would like to suggest you to split up the sentence "From the chart, it is shown clearly that the burglary ..." into: From the chart, it is shown clearly that the burglary peaked in 2004 at nearly four thousands crimes, .Hereafter, the figure was upward and dipped at about 1,200 significantly in 2000 before it begun increase and stable until 2012. Regards..
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 22, 2016
Scholarship / Aiming to be a Professional Translator, a Personal Statement to the AAS [7]

I still have two days left before submitting the documents while I am waiting for the referee reports from my skripsi advisor.
Proposed Study: Master of Interpreting and Translating (RMIT University), Master of Interpreting and Translation Studies (Monash University)


1. Please describe the efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options in Australia?
I have known the Australia Award Scholarship or AAS in short from my lecturers in the English Department, Universitas Negeri Gorontalo, which are the alumni of AAS. I was mesmerized by their experience during studying in Australia and inspired me to study there. Unlike the other provinces such as Manado and Makasar, getting sufficient details of the scholarship in my area needs extra efforts considering the education fair is still limited. Hence, I manage my time in learning the scholarship from the guidebook, official websites, several blogs of the AAS recipients, asked my lecturers and the centre of language and overseas study in my campus. Moreover, I conducted an initial research about the offered courses in Australia and its components such as the overview, program structure, program objectives, and admission through the university websites and correlate it to my future aims as well.

2. How did you choose your proposed course and institution?
I am applying a master course in translating and interpreting because the roles of translation that overlaps in every sector of humanity and culture. Currently, there are no certified translators in Gorontalo while the demands in translation are rapidly growing. People who are in need of translated certified documents are difficult to find a certified translator in my area. Most of them are working in Makasar which takes one and a half hour by plane and almost a week through bus from Gorontalo. Therefore, I would like to dedicate myself as a certified translator.

Studying at English Department for my bachelor degree expands the understanding of language skills and its application. I partake myself as the speaker at international students' conference on ELT, linguistics, and literature during the seminar on language project. Furthermore, I successfully completed my study as one of the best graduates. Two-years work experience as a freelance translator and proofreader grants me awards of 62 best essays in LPDP Essay competition. I believed that translation is another way in educating people through converting information from one language to another. For instance, I could disseminate my knowledge by facilitating future translators in Gorontalo as well as giving academic writing workshops by initiating private institution, and probably becoming a lecturer. Therefore, I am positive that these considerations provide me to be well prepared to continue my future study.

I conducted an initial research about possible master in interpreting and translation courses offered in Australia. Considering the goal to be a certified translator as well as pursuing a career in proofreading, I need to find a university that involves some elective courses in relation to my aims which I believed that both RMIT and Monash University are the right options since they offers Indonesian language in its course structure.

3. How will the proposed study contribute to your career?
I would like to contribute myself in embracing the ASEAN Economic Community by working as a, probably the first, certified and translator in my area and joining the Indonesian Association of Translator. My previous major, my achievements, as well as my work experiences provide me the initial knowledge and practice of translation. With this, the proposed study will be the facets which help me to be professional in the world of translating and interpreting, theoretically and practically.

4. How have you contributed to solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform?
My senior said that the personal statement should be in-line with my proposed study. Since I would like to apply for a master degree in translation studies, is it appropriate to write that I was successfully helping my friends to improve their writing (expanding the insights of how to transfer their Indonesian-English writing into the truly-English writing) as well as their comprehension regarding the plagiarism issue in responding the question of my efforts in implementing change or reform? Mind to share some ideas?
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 24, 2016
Scholarship / Aiming to be a Professional Translator, a Personal Statement to the AAS [7]

Aiming to be a Professional Translator, a Personal Statement to the AAS cont'd

4. How have you contributed to solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform?
During the last semester studying as college students, we were struggling with the research proposal to finish our study as soon as possible. Some of my friends considered that the academic writing was quite intricate. I found that the major issue is their inaccuracy in writing English; their advisor asked for them to write in "full English". These constraints them to proceed to the thesis examination and even they felt they cannot make it. Therefore, I initiated myself to help them solving the problem. I explained that they must not give up yet, it is normal for the foreign language learner to produce an 'awkward' writing due to the fact that we were actually translating and writing at the same time. I shared several tips to transfer one's thinking from their native language to the "full English" such as reading more English literatures, adapting one's writing style, and avoid to write word by word. I and my friends sometimes have a group discussion in addressing what problems that still to be addressed in writing as well as proofreading our work each other. I convinced them that they can make it as they work hard patiently and keep aiming for the best. Slow but sure, they were having the thesis examination with major improvements in producing accurate English, it was a pleasure to me and my friends as well.

5. Please: a) give up to three practical and realistic examples of how you intend to use the knowledge, skills and connections you will gain from your scholarship. Possible tasks can be personal and/or professional; and b) list any possible constraints you think may prevent you from achieving these tasks.

My first practical and realistic example will be working as a full-time translator by initiating private institution in my area and joining the association of Indonesian translator and interpreter. Furthermore, I will cooperate with several English-study communities in Gorontalo to transfer the knowledge that I got from my study in attempts to improve their English language proficiency. Lastly, I will partake myself as a lecturer, or at least as a tutor, in disseminating the insights of being a professional in translating and interpreting through workshops, seminar, and publishing books or writing related to the issue of translation and the pedagogical translation in my area.

Prior to working as a certified translator in my area, I need to meet the requirement which is having sufficient work experience as a translator and following a translator examination. Therefore, while gaining as much as possible work experience through the above practical and realistic examples I planned.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 25, 2016
Undergraduate / "Exploring my abilities" Transfer Waitlist Personal Statement for UC Davis [4]

Hi, I personally love the way you present the ideas. I was mind-blowed with your writing, it's a very detail writing in a compact form. Still, I found an issue regarding the punctuation in the following sentence:

....wireless communication; Aas such, having the opportunity....
I think that the capital letter is used if the word after a semicolon is a proper noun. Good luck and keep writing.
akbartaufiq25   
Apr 26, 2016
Scholarship / Supporting Statements for the Australia Award Scholarship. [2]

It's a well-written essay overall. Still, I suggest you re-checking the use of articles since I found that some are missing. Also, try to avoid repetitive words considering the character limitation prior to submitting the essay, for instance:

However, in achieving well-developed tourism management, my area needs improvements in sector of infrastructures. Thus, funding will indeed be the first challenge in order to develop and build infrastructures to support the tourism development. There are new infrastructures needed to be built such as improvements on the transportation, hospitality, and public accommodation services. There you have it. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / I have several reasons to agree that the car-using will decrease in the future. TOEFL essay [3]

Hi Minh Chau! It's a pleasure to read your essay. I suggest you reading as many as possible academic English writing and adapting the writing styles. Here are my corrections:

1. In anotherother words, the useless....
2. Therefore,I have several reasons to agree that the car-using will decrease in the future and it will the focus on my essay. it is assured that in the future, people mostly prefer to the sophisticated transportation rather than the old one for the following reasons.

Try to simplify the sentences or the ideas. Using some academic vocabularies will help you improve your writing significantly, and don't forget with the use of transition signals as well as the punctuation. Keep writing and good luck on your examination! Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 11, 2016
Student Talk / The Foreign Language Learner's Issues in Writing [8]

Hello everyone! I'd like to ask you about the challenges in writing around the foreign language learners. What kind of problems do you have and how you solve it? Your answer will help me obtaining sufficient data to my mini-research.
akbartaufiq25   
May 13, 2016
Research Papers / The mind power of music: how can we use it to make a better living for ourselves [4]

Hi Dante! You may consider the following suggestions:
1. "Picture a ravishing Saturday night out with your best friends, Mmost of uspeople may think of going out to the club, bar, restaurant, etc. In a such a fast paced world, many of us maythey subconsciously strive off of the rhythmic/melodic feel that is provided by that art of music."

2. Such accelerated tempos playsplay a very quick...
akbartaufiq25   
May 13, 2016
Student Talk / The Foreign Language Learner's Issues in Writing [8]

Thanks for the insights Iksan. I am still struggling to improve my English better, I wish that through this community, I can gradually develop my English, especially in writing.

Anyway, is the term "grammatical accuracy" refers to a condition when people (nonnative to English) successfully speak or write, for example in English, without the influence of their native language comprehension?
akbartaufiq25   
May 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS9-TASK1-ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050... [2]

Hi mersad, I personally love both essays. Still, I prefer to the first version. In the first essay, I like the way you provide the comparison of the charts separately. This helps me to see the major points of each countries clearly. It does not mean that the second version is lack of this trait, but explaining details of two different things in a separate paragraph makes me easier to have an in-depth understanding to the explanation of the chart. On top of that, you have a strong concluding sentence in the first essay which is simple and grasp the overall information of the figures in just one sentence.
akbartaufiq25   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / MIX CHART- Number of people who broke the law in the couple years ending 1994 and reasons of it [3]

Hello Patric, I am happy to see more Indonesians joining this forum. I wish you will be an active member by sharing your insights regarding the writing from other members. You may consider the following suggestions about your essay:

1. I suggest you to combine the first two sentences in your introduction paragraph to make it more efficient. For instance, "The represented graphs reveal the information about the haul of male and female as well as its causes in the last five years, ended in 1994.

2. I think that this sentence: "It is noticeable that males are the most frequently arrested and the prominent cause is public drinking". is similar to this one: "A closer look toat the second graph, the reason in public drinking was considerably higher than others".

How if you omit one of the sentences considering the possibility of repetitive content you will have.
3. Please give a concluding sentence to your essay, because the conclusion is extremely important due to wrap up the ideas in every writing.

Hope it helps. Good luck with your practice!
akbartaufiq25   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - TASK 1 - THE COMBINING CHART OF PERSON ARRESTED IN FIVE YEARS AND THE MOST REASON [2]

Hi mei! I wish you will be an active member by giving suggestions or comments regarding to one's writing in this forum. It's really exciting to know that you are an Indonesian as well.

I found that you have same problems to Patric, the following are my comments:

1. You can simplify the first two sentences through combining the important ideas of both sentences in one sentence. For example:
"The pie chart compares the percentages of the criminal joined in prison and the reasons why they arrested for five years until 1994".
2. "Over allOverall, it is evident from the data that male prisoner predominate over over ..." You can put this sentence as the conclusion of your essay. Remember: do not leave your essay without a concluding paragraph.

3. "Besides, all the other reasons, such as bench of other, assault, theft, and other reasons, are considerably lower than 20%, such as bench of other, assault, theft, and other reasons ."

Hope this helps.
akbartaufiq25   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / This diagram illustrates how a gas cooled nuclear reactor work to produce the steam [5]

Hi Mei. It seems that you gain improvement from the previous essay I have read, specifically to the use of academic vocabularies. Still, you have several problems such as subject-verb agreement, gerund, and capitalization. The following are my corrections:

"..it is clearly seen that the prominent features are.."
"A closer looked at the pictureBased on the picture, there is a concrete.."
"..uranium fuel elements insides."
"bBaron control rods isare used.."
" iIn addition, there are 2 types of gas dust tothat bring.."
"The cold gas is flowing from gas.."
"This part of process changed the temperature of the cool gas temperature and turnitinto the hot gas."
"the temperature, by using water circulator."
"T he heat from hot gas.."
"From the picture we can also can understand that this process is continually circulated ."
"T he hot gas always produced.."
"..absorb the heat, so that the hot gas turn into cool gas as before ."

There you go Mei. Keep practicing. I am sure that you can make it to the test. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS1 - MAP - Nuclear Reactor. The making process of steam using a gas-cooled nuclear reactor. [3]

Patric, there are several issues to be addressed in your writing. Polishing your writing a bit more and I am positive that you can write better. Here are my comments:

"The represented diagram illustrates.."
"The making process of gas-cooled nuclear reactorThis process utilizes.."
"..has an uranium fuel elements, which is covered.."
"Meanwhile, in the outside,The outer side of the reactoritself is.."
"..the result will be able to produced .."
"At thereIn this process, a cool gas will back.."

There you go, Patric. Good luck with your practice.
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The presented diagram depicts the steam production process using a gas cooled nuclear reactor [3]

Hello, Novi. It is a pleasure to read your essay. Your writing style is almost similar to mine.
There are some problems with your essay such as repetitive words, the use of verbs, diction, and punctuation. This is normal because as a foreign language learner, our mother tongue comprehension affects the way we use the foreign language both spoken and written. Well, here are my corrections:

"The presented diagram depicts the steam production.."
"It can also be seen thatT here are two major parts of the machine.."
" A closer lookedAccording to the diagram, from the heat exchanger the water passes through water circulator to a long tube from the heat exchanger, before being heated up into steam to be delivered to a turbo-alternator."

"After that, it flows back.."
"..cool gas duct to finish this circlecycle."
"The reactor machine is containsconsists of six essential part, whichwith uranium element as the fuel for the machine ."
"It is also wrapped by graphite moderators, with a number of charge tubes sticking into them the moderators .

I wish you will participate actively in this forum. This will help you to gain valuable insights regarding the academic writing. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 ; Qualifications for English Language Teachers obtained 2007/8 and 2008/9, UK [3]

Furqanda, you show me an excellent writing. Although your writing almost has no issues, there are several minor things to be addressed here. You may consider the following suggestions:

"..which is compared in the table."
"..obtains higher quantity than male in both categories, while.."
"..the male percentage havehas never reached.."

Also, I found that you often use word "while" within the essay which is quite bothering me. Try to use more varieties of transitional phrase as it will make your writing better. I wish that you will disseminate your knowledge by helping the other members regarding their writing in this forum. Keep up the good work!
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / This representative table provides info on the quantity of students qualified for teaching English [2]

Mei, your efforts in polishing your writing is a remarkable one. I noticed that you posted more than two essays in a day which is truly a hard work to me. You gain some improvements in this writing. However, you must learn from your mistakes because there are several repetitive issues from the previous essays.

"Overall, it can seen that in all qualifications(you still have the same problem with the use of "be"), the number of women is predominate more thanthe men.and(it is better to separate this sentence)Thus, the percentages of men is slightly decreasing in year by year."

"..but there was a significant differences between the each sexesmale and female percentages ."
"In the first period, 2007/8,.."
"..the number of male pup pils was more smaller than.."
"AlthoughStill, there was not muchany changes in TEFL qualification group in this certain period."

I am sure that once you keep learning the errors, your success in the IELTS, specifically in the writing test, is assured. 100% guaranteed. Stay positive and keep practicing!
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1: two main parts in the steam production: nuclear reactor and the heat exchanger. DIAGRAM [3]

Hi Aulia, I like the way you present the picture. It is somewhat unique to me also it is understandable. I think that the power in your essay is the clear and coherent explanation of the diagram. There are several problems to be considered in your essay as follows:

"..the steam process is producesproduced by using.."
"..two mains parts in this process, such as.."
"As closer looked atBased on the diagrams, the cooling gas.."
"The reactor which is enteringed cooling gas is calledthe pressure vessel.(Full stops, it is better to separate the sentence)andIt has manyseveral features such as uranium fuel elements, and graphite moderations."

"..cooling gas is changed into hot gas and goes to heats the exchanger and supplies high-temperature gas. in hot temperature. "
"Gas in the process hascirculationcirculates continually."
"..the water changing to streamis condensed ."
"..and makingturning the water changes into steam."

I wish that you will learn something from the comments. Keep up the good work. Never give up and always give your best. High score in IELTS is possible.
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / In prevailing days, it is a ubiquitous concern that there is an ascended dependence on cars. [5]

Azamat, your great range of academic vocabularies used is amazing. I was mesmerized with how you construct such vocabularies in your writing. Reading some excellent essays is the reason that makes me happy joining EF other than the pleasure in proofreading. Still, you may consider the following comments:

"it is a ubiquitous concern that, there is an ascended.."
"..and feasible rectifications anin accordance to my perspective."
"..and adapt the usageuse of public transport.

With your skills in writing, I am pretty sure that you can share all the knowledge to the other members in this forum. I am looking forward to read your comments in my threads as well. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Number of students staying in the UK who gained TEFL and Cambridge UCLES CELTA training qualificati [3]

Aulia, it seems that your current writing is improved. Maximum efforts will give better results. The way you present the data is clear and coherent. Still, I noticed several problems in your writing as follows:

"..and the table focus in the percentage of male."
"..it can be seen that the total proportion.." (Please learn more about the use of article)
"As closer looked at the table,.." (Similar issue to the previous essay, I suggest you to avoid this in your future essays)

There you have it. I wish the above revisions will shape your writing in the future.
akbartaufiq25   
May 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1. Chorleywood is a village near London whose population has increased steadily [3]

Maxim, your description about the picture is an example of well-constructed writing. The clear explanation and the smooth transition from one sentence to another is the strength of your essay. I do hope that you will gain some developments in other aspects of writing, for example, the use of punctuation. This is because I found that you have an issue in punctuation in the following sentences:

"From the map, we can see.."
"Meanwhile, a motorway was.."
"During the next 24 years, Chorleywood has .."

In addition, I think these two sentences have an issue of repetition:

"Then, 15 years later ,.."
"After that, 13 years later ,.."

Note that the marked phrases are indicating the future. Thus, it is better to use another expression of indicating times as depicted in one of your sentences: "During the next 24 years.."

Hope this help. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 19, 2016
Student Talk / The Foreign Language Learner's Issues in Writing [8]

[Moved from]: Why we write: The reason behind your writing.

Hi guys, I do believe that most of the EF members are very passionate in writing or have an interest in this subject. I personally find that writing is an art of crafting words and it is really exciting to arrange the words into a piece of solid texts.

However, some people think that writing is somewhat intricate. Therefore, I would like to hear some of your inspirational stories with writing or why you write. I would like to share your amazing experience that writing is actually an interesting activity so they will be motivated to start writing. I am waiting to read your eye-opening journey to writing. Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Main causes contributing to make farmable land degraded; three continents were adversely affected [3]

Hi Mersad, I have read through your essay. It seems that you should pay more attention to some minor issues such as punctuation and misspelling. Notice that these minor problems can affect the outcome regarding your essay. Here the example of the punctuation problems in your essay.

" ..why agricultural land become lesson productive. "
"..degraded, while the table presents.."
"..in Europe, while over-cultivation.."

I would like to suggest you to avoid using phrases such as "etc" and "so on" as it will make your essay become less academic. One of the EF contributors taught me not to put the phrases in attempts to shape the writing (thanks to Iksan "ichanpants89" for the insight). Giving two or three examples is better than using this phrases.

I wish to read the improved version of your writing in the future. Keep doing your best. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - "Does Technology Make Us More Alone or More Connected to the World?" Comments? [3]

Michael, the topic of your essay is interesting to be discussed. The technology is, in fact, a two-edged sword with both the advantages and disadvantages. It depends on the people who utilize it, but I do hope that they will use it for good. It goes the same to the use of technology. I am agree with your opinion that technology is not turning people to anti-social.

Move to the content of your essay, the idea of giving the hook separately needs to be improved. A good essay is not only a matter of drawing readers' interest, but also how to unite all ideas into one solid writing. I see that you have strong, clear, and understandable arguments regarding the issue. However, these arguments are standalone, it has to be linked together to improve your essay. Therefore, I suggest you to incorporate some transitional phrases as a link from one idea to another, specifically connecting each paragraph. I am sure that the appropriate use of transition signals will not distract the content in your writing.

Hope these help you in revising the essay further. Keep writing! Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / These days, advertising for commercial use appears to boost the volume of sales. IELTS [4]

Hi Nurul, it is a pleasure to read your essay. The way you present the ideas is well-written, understandable, and coherent. What I do like the most is the powerful supporting statements to the thesis statement. It follows the idea of the main idea accurately.

Still, I think that you are able to improve this essay better once you can deal with the grammar problems. The following are my inputs to your essay:

"..people vpaying to buy such kind.." Becareful with mispelling.
"..to promote a newly product."
"The other remarkable tools, smartphone accompanied with internet, makes companies possible to promote features intensively ."I think this sentence is somewhat confusing. You may consider the following replacement to your sentence:

For instance, a remarkable tool such as smartphone allows companies promoting their product intensively.
"Though, that modern people are.." No need to put comma after "Though" in his sentence.
".. ,andso the consumer will believe.." The word "so" is more appropriate as it will indicate the cause and effect.
"..such for fashionable."
"Even, they do not need those things primarily."
"The others purchase a new shoes ,"

From your writing, I can say that you are excellent in writing. If you can overcome some grammatical issue, I am positive that the high score on IELTS writing is yours. Keep writing and actively giving your contribution to your families in EssayForum. Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 21, 2016
Research Papers / Sexual Predators in the Classrooms - the phenomenon of pedophilia in schools [3]

Hello Aiesha, welcome to EssayForum. We strive to give our best in giving constructive critics as well as helping those who are in needs of writing assistance. I do hope that you will actively contribute to this forum since I found that you have power in giving arguments within your essay. Still, there are several points to be considered in your writing. Firstly, there are several shortened words (not count possessive, such as one's), such as it's, weren't, and wasn't, which are not recommended to put these in a research paper. You can write the words in its full form instead. Secondly, the flow of your great arguments can be enhanced by using appropriate transitional phrases. The transitional phrases can smooth the flow of the ideas within your essay. For instance:

"SoTherefore, since Mesa acted on her desires.." Using word "so" to begin a sentence is not recommended in writing a research paper.

However, do not put the transitional phrases overly as it will affect your essay in a negative result. The overall of your essay is great. I am sure that a little bit polishing will not distract the essay. Stay positive and keep writing. Kindly regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing Task 2 The characteristic we are born will have many much more influence on our pers [4]

Ilmi, your efforts to get a high score in IELTS writing is remarkable. I saw that you almost upload new essays every day in EF. Let's have a look to your essay. I am sure that you can actually write this essay better. There are several things you need to consider this time which I put it as follows:

"Recently studies.."
"I believe that the experiences isare the.."
"..the result also shows that.."
"..to ignite both types of genes."
"One of the main powerful factor.." Repetitive words.
" A personboy might be.." The word "boy" is more suitable because you use pronoun "he" in the later sentences.

"..registered to religious school for trainedtraining to be a well-qualified individual." You can omit the phrase "for training" as well.

"..experiences hashave a greater

The opening statement in the second paragraph looks confusing. Supporting both sides in writing an argumentative essay is not allowed. Probably the first sentence in the second paragraph aims to show the opposing argument to the previous idea, but using phrases such as"I agree" affects the message of the writing. It looks like the opposite argument is accepted but then the next paragraph depicts the counter-measure again. Thus, it is better to restate the phrase into "Although some people agree that..." because this sentence does not refer to the writer's opinion.

There you have it Ilmi. Wish these helps. Keep practicing! Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Comparison Three universities BU, USC and UB. [3]

Hello, Hang. You have a well-constructed writing here. I almost unable to find any grammatical problems throughout your essay. One of the problems you have, in my opinion, is the use of articles. You may consider the following inputs:

"..which is near the town centre and recreation facilities,.."
"..the distance and the number.."
"..has more goodbetter facilities compared .."

The use of articles is probably challenging. Thus, I recommend you to find out more about the topic. You can also share the things you got with us here, at the EssayForum. I am looking forward to review more of your works. Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - In some societies, fashion is becoming more and more important [6]

Hello Réré, you have put the ideas clear and coherent in this essay. To develop the current writing better, you may consider the following comments:

"In today societieslife,.." The word "societies" already represents the "life".
"In addition, some individualsPeople even.."
"..which suit to their body looks for certain events.."
"..are some positives effects.."
"..more confidenceconfident .." Confidence is noun, you must add adjective instead.

I found that you use word "clothe" oftenly. It should be noticed that "clothe" is a verb. If you would like to refer the word as noun, replace it with "clothes".

There you go. Hope these help. Regards.

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