Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat in a European country [2]

If you could provide the graph that you are referring to, it would help with providing more substantial feedback on your essay.
Speaking of writing technicalities, I would suggest revising a few of your lines to ensure that the delivery of your message is clear.
For instance, I could revise your first paragraph/sentence as:
This line graph illustrates the amount of fish and meat consumed by a European country over 25 years beginning from 1979. The meat types included here are: chicken, beef, and lamb.

Please take note of three things I have done here:
Ensured that I used present tense because I am describing a graph that is present in front of the reader. This makes the text appear more interactive - and is the formal way of approaching language.

I used "from 1979" instead of "in 1979" because you're referring to a point in time onwards rather than a single point. Please review prepositions' usage regarding this.

I created more clarity in the structure by not confusing readers with introducing the three meat types before finishing the initial thought of the message.

Keep in mind these points and apply the entirety of your essay.
I would suggest revising your last paragraph. There were instances wherein you were dragging the sentences, creating run-on phrases instead of articulating clearly what you want to relay. Moreover, using technical terms such as "base year" can help your essay be more academically and professionally proficient.

For instance, I would revise your first line here as:
The beginning of the period had a weekly consumption of 220 grams of beef per person. This fluctuated into a significant decrease of consumption between 1984 and 2004, following a fluctuation prior to the base year.

Best of luck to your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Is working while studying better than taking for example a college loan? [3]

@Phoebe789
I do not suggest starting your essay with a personal statement. Instead, opt for making an introduction that can assist the flow of your narrative. For instance, you may briefly talk about the figures and the statistics regarding the usage of student loans in countries that highly use them (think of the United States). This can create a stronger and more substantial introduction.

You can perhaps use this as a template:
In the United States, [xxx quantity of adults] of young adults struggle paying off roughly [xxx amount of debt accumulated in range] over [xxx number of years it takes on average of pay off the debt]. This is why I disagree with the usage of loans in the educational system.

If you quantify your figures, the better it will be to add more content to your essay.
Watch out for your usage of participles, verbs, and fundamental grammar-related parts of speech. For instance, it is "I do not consider" instead of "I am not considered". Remember that you are not directly referencing to yourself - rather, you are referencing to something external to you. Reread your essay out loud multiple times when you're reviewing it to avoid this from happening.

I also suggest looking into better ways to transition your paragraphs from one to the next. I noticed that it is quite common for ESL learners to use "on the one hand" and "on the other hand". However, there are betterways to do this. You can omit the "on the one hand" of the second paragraph and simply start your essay. This can avoid redundant language that only put unnecessaryweight to your essay.

Aside from that, your essay has substantial and structured content. Just watch out for your grammar, and you'll be fine.

Writing Feedback / The idea to study English in an English-speaking country - IELTS 2: agree or disagree essay [3]

@mzoetemdroomm
A couple of things to take note of.
I would avoid using words that drag your essay. I mention this a lot, but I find that ESL learners have a tendency to use words that are "heavy" instead of using ones that can shorten and create a more concise environment for the essay.

For instance, I would revise your introduction sentence as:
English has now become the most commonly studied language with the rapid rise of non-native learners.
Instead of mentioning the word English twice in the sentence, I had used the word language to refer to it. This can avoid repetitions. As I always say to people: omit what you can omit. A more straightforward approach will better your writing.

This can be applicable even to your second to the last paragraph.
For instance, I could shorten and revise your first sentence here as:
Secondly, there are other more effective means to learn the language rather than staying in an English-speaking country. A good example would be online courses.

This delivers your message in a more comprehensible manner.
Moreover, I suggest adding more substance to your conclusion. It is not clear what criteria you are basing your opinion from. Always ensure that you make mention of the details you have mentioned above (briefly, of course) to maximize the content of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Global resources are consumed in dramatically increased rate [4]

You can enhance your introduction. Consider tackling why there has been a drastic increase in the consumption of resources. Discuss briefly the factors that has affected this. I know that you mentioned it in your second paragraph.

To avoid redundancies, simply paraphrase your second paragraph's introduction to something similar to this:
These aforementioned reasons have resulted to a consistent need to tackle the potential consequences. The [mention x average amount of global population increase] over the past [mention x number of years that you have measured] has to be expounded upon.

This format for your narrative does two things clearly: it avoids redundant language from repetitively mentioning similar words from your first paragraph, and it strengthens your essay through making sure that you have data to back-up your claims better. This will improve the quality of your essay.

I would also suggest applying the same structure to your third paragraph.
Watch out for grammatical mistakes. Take, for instance, the last sentence of the second paragraph: it is unclear what you mean by "I had ever seen" because of the wrong phrasing. To minimize these issues, I suggest that you reread your essay out loud to determine portions that sound inorganic and/or unnatural to the tongue. If it does not flow well, then there should be something wrong.

Lastly, I suggest that you paraphrase your last paragraph. The structure can be dragging to readers. Divide that chunk of sentence into two separate thought bubbles.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Cooking doesn't take much time any longer - Has this improved the way people live? [4]

I would suggest paraphrasing and/or revising your first paragraph, especially the introduction portion. The direction of the paragraph in terms of narrative-building was quite unclear. You weren't able to build up the specific correlation between having enough time to prepare food and taking in completely natural ingredients. I would suggest, instead, to scrap the first three sentences and be straightforward that you want to do a comparative analysis on the preparation of food between now and then.

Regarding the content of your second paragraph, your second point about tasting various dishes from diverse cultures does not relay a significant contribution to your essay's overall theme. What does this diversity in dishes imply about current methods of preparation that cannot be found before? If you're making claims, make sure that you mention historical data regarding it. Furthermore, it will also help if the data is as specific as it can be.

Apart from this, the overarching tone of the essay is good. I suggest simply looking into small grammatical mistakes, run-on sentences(frequently sprinkled throughout the text, however is noticeable in the second to last paragraph), and misuseof verbs. The last paragraph also does not have a specific contribution in its current location. I suggest integrating your ideas there to the second to the last one to create a more substantial and opinionated conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - adult education argument [3]

Looking into the technicalities of your writing, I suggest going back to the basics of grammar usage - specifically when it comes toverbs, punctuation, and preposition. I won't nitpick on it because a lot of them are easily revised. Look into having more transitions to create a better flow for the essay.

For instance, we can revise your first paragraph as:
The charts below show the results of a survey in adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adults decided to study. The pie chart, on the other hand, shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

I suggest mergingthe third and fourth paragraph. The third paragraph at the moment is oddly hanging in the middle of the essay without a cohesive structure. Because it is closely correlated to the fourth one, you can merge them easily.

You can leave the last paragraph. I think it is sufficient for what it is right now.
Best of luck with your writing tasks!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Graph - the amount of fast food consumed by juveniles in Australia [4]

@Nguyen Cuong
A lot of your mistakes were based on writing technicalities. Because of this, I highly suggest rereading fundamental grammar-related queries for English. In particular, I want you to look into punctuation, prepositions, and articles. You have to be more straightforward and clearwith your essay.

For instance, I would paraphrase your first sentence as:
The graph illustrates the average expenditure on the consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers over a 25-year period.
This is a more professional approach to writing because of its structure and composition. Always follow a structure wherein you mention first the fundamental description of the graph before proceeding to introducing the timeline that it falls under. You had done something similar to this, however it does need a little bit more polishing and practice.

I also suggest looking into your usage of verbs and tenses in conjunction with what I had aforementioned. Make sure that you are clear as well with your language and articulation.

Let's take the first sentence of your second paragraph as an example. It should have been:
In 1975, the pizza consumption expenditure of teenagers was at 5 times. In comparison [...]
Avoid using the same transitions for your paragraphs because it can drag your essay, ie. you had used "additionally" twice in your essay when you could have opted for something else.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - railway transport vs existing public transport [3]

Giving a specific band score would be difficult as assessing is quite different from being suggestive. However, I'll provide my feedback on your essay.

You can greatly reduce the overall word count of your essay by being more wary of your word choice. The more straightforward your essay is, the better it would be for your structure and content. If you can make your content concise, opt to do that. I also suggest looking into better ways to transition between sentences. Instead of mentioning, for example, traveling "from one city to another", you can simply say "inter-city travel" to create more structure and composition in your essay.

In particular, I want you to pay attention to your usage of punctuation and preposition. For instance, in your introductory paragraph's first sentence, it should have been "requirement in the modern world" instead of "requirement of the modern world".

There were instances as well wherein you had utilized redundant words. If you feel as though you can omit a word, choose to omit it - as I always tell people.

Let's look at your second to the last paragraph. I could revise the second to the last line as:
For example, the local bus stationI typically use for travel to my university is a 5-minute walk from my house.
Just be wary of your word usage, and you'll be all set to go.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - factors impact on the editors' decision what to broadcast [3]

Your first paragraph is quite confusing because of its structure. I suggest revising it. Make sure that your articulation is straightforward.
For instance, I would instead write the first sentence as:
Media is pivotal in shaping people's lives because of the content it holds.
Watch out for your verb usage.Remember that consistency is the key when writing. If you start your essay using present tense, avoid switching to a different form. This will ruin the format of your essay. Let's take your second paragraph's first sentence as an example. You switched from using present tense (that is always) to past tense(always appeared in).

In addition, I also suggest looking out for your punctuation usage. In the third sentence of the second paragraph, there should not have been a comma between especiallyand inbecause the context you were referring to was China's situation.

I would suggest merging your last and second to the last paragraph. Incorporate your opinion into the overarching conclusion of the essay. This will strengthen the ending to have more of a structural approach to the essay itself.

Letters / Write a letter to apply for Memory Course [3]

There's no need to apologize on this platform. English learners are more than welcome to gain more external insight on how to better their usage of the language.

Regarding your essay, I would like to point out a couple of initial flaws:
1. Your first sentence should have been "Let me introduce myself" instead of what it is now. There's no need for an apostrophe and s.

2 You should put a semi-colon between your name and the word and. If not, opt for separating the two sentences because they're independent (stand-alone) structures. The same goes for your third sentence.

3. I would suggest revising your sixth paragraph as: I learn roughly twenty words a day. However, in the next day, I find myself only remembering seven or eight of them.

4. In the sentence after that, you needed to say either "I do not know the reason why" or "I do not know what the reason is". Why cannot be utilized in the way that you had put it in the sentence because it cannot be an adjective placed before a noun.

5. In your third to the last sentence, you could have said: I am fortunate to have seen your advertisement on Facebook. I find that it can help me. You need a demonstrative pronoun (that, these, this, etc.) before introducing an it or an object.

You have a tendency to have confusing verb usage as well. For instance, you had a sentence which stated: And this makes my studying is delayed, You cannot use makes and is at the same sentence in this structure because you were already following through.

You can revise this, for instance, in two ways:
1. And this makes my studying delayed.
2. And my studying is delayed because of this.
To avoid the aforementioned issues, I suggest trying to reread fundamental punctuation, verbs and tenses, preposition, and other fundamental grammar-related guidelines.

Research Papers / Research Paper/Persuasive Essay on "The Many Sides of Veganism" [3]

Firstly, I suggest refraining from using the first person point of view when composing your essay. Persuasive essays, especially formal/academic ones, are not supposed to be based on the first person. Try paraphrasing your articulation to the third person to make it more relevant.

Secondly, while the essay does have substantial content, the composition itself lacks structure. The entire essay seemingly just went with the flow. I suggest that you create a comprehensive outline. In your first paragraph, introduce this said outline. This will be helpful in guiding your readers for your essay to be more comprehensible.

You also have a tendency to drag your sentences, creating run-on structures that loosely just hang in the substance of the essay. To avoid this, I would suggest that you shorten your articulation. Omit what you can omit. If a sentence is more straightforward once you have separated it into two different portions, then opt to do that.

Lastly, regarding your fourteenth to sixteenth paragraph, I would suggest condensing all this information. There were portions that were not necessarily essential were for your arguments. If you wish to include interviews such as this, I recommend a summarized format that correlates the content of the interview to the point of the essay (that is, of course, the benefits and drawbacks of becoming vegan).

Writing Feedback / Public libraries are no longer important / replaced by gadgets [4]

Look into your usage of punctuation. For instance, there should have been a comma in between decades and while in the structure of your introduction because they're two independent thoughts/clauses. Watch out for small mistakes such as this that can compromise the overall quality of your essay.

Furthermore, I also suggest integrating the first sentence of the second paragraph into the first paragraph. Afterwards, you may briefly introduce the points you are about to tackle. If you follow this structure, you can create a more structured essay that is easier to read for the people.

I also suggest looking into developing more innovative or extensive arguments that are for the proliferation of libraries. For instance, your thoughts regarding how the provision of archaic documents is not easily available in the internet is contestable. There are culturally and historically relevant documents that are now being digitized because of the costs of preservation. Instead, perhaps you can discuss the reason why these libraries still contribute to the overall well-being of its community despite the costly maintenance. Discuss its social and cultural implications; analyze why these implications persist and are still relevant in spite of all the controversy surrounding them.

Aside from that, I think that your overall grammar usage is good enough. Keep up the work.

Writing Feedback / Is it feasible for a country provide university places for a high proportion of people? [2]

I would suggest incorporating more concrete data into your essay.While the essay has a general flow and direction, it lacks the having a factual backbone. This can be easily resolved through including more data or case studies.

You can start with the following questions:
1. What do statistics say about the pursuit of higher education? Is it declining or rising?
2. What is the exact percentage allocated to the education system? What is the rationale as to why this persists?
3. In what context is your essay applicable? Are you referring to developed countries or developing ones? These countries have varying degrees of needs for development. If you could contextualize more, it would give a great benefit to the content of your essay.

Be more goal-oriented when you're writing your essay. Do you truly believe that offering more university placements will result to a lower educational standard? Or is it a matter of budgetary expansion? If you can quantitatively analyze the situation, it would as well better your essay's composition because it would make the content more reality-based.

Avoid being redundant in your language. For instance, in the second to the last sentence of your second paragraph, you shouldn't have put more many because it became excessive. Choose only one of these two terms because they're similar to each other.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Free or not? Charged information makes a more sustainable development in a long term. [3]

The introduction had run-on sentences. To avoid this, I suggest minimizing your usage of connecting words or conjunctive adverbs. If you do this, you will as well be omitting unnecessary words. This can also help you become more straightforward in your language and articulation. If this cannot be avoided, try repackaging your articulation so that your independent clauses become stand alones instead of forcibly linked together.

Let's look at your first paragraph. I would have written it as:
Information is essential in modern society. The freedom to share it freely contributes to the development of science, commerce, and academics. However, I believe that we should charge money for its usage. This is beneficial for a number of reasons.

Words that quantify (some, a few, etc.) can be useful. However, in this instance, you can omit it to save on the number of words because there is no exact measurement to be provided for the usage of money. You had committed the same mistake in your second paragraph's first sentence ("some real statistics"). You can sharpen the tone and flow of your essay through removing these words because it creates a more dignified approach to your language.

Apart from this, your essay already has hold of its own structure. Just keep writing. Ensure that your essay always has sufficient background data to back-up its claims.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. [5]

@FrancescaD
Please review your fundamental grammar usage and articulation. There were multiple instances wherein your essay had lacked clarity because of having construction errors.
Let's take, for instance, the first paragraph. I would rewrite the first two sentences as:
A generation* ago, shopping was considered as a chore to be accomplished. Nowadays, however, it is being thought of more as a hobby.
*Assumed correction for the word geneaction.
Watch out for run-on sentences. As with most ESL learners, you had a tendency to drag your sentences longer than they should be kept. This is a noticeable mistake all throughout the text.

Look at your last paragraph. We could revise the last sentence here as:
The latter, in my opinion, should be an activity done only occasionally. There is nothing healthier than taking a walk under the [...]
If you can divide your sentence and separate your thoughts into independent portions, it would better the structure and flow of your essay.
Best of luck as always.

Scholarship / English Teaching - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? - AAS 2019 [6]

I suggest introducing a less formal language in your essay. While essays for applications have a reputation for being formal and straightforward, evaluators definitely appreciate it if you can provide a more personal narrative that will let your personality shine through. For instance, instead of just briefly mentioning how you have witnessed students being uninterested in class, tell a story of a time that one of them inspired you to pursue the career itself. By doing this, you are introducing a more humane side.

Furthermore, I suggest that when you are tackling the technical aspects of these universities (ie. the curriculum, what they offer in terms of academics, etc.) make mention of what makes this different from other institutions. Show a depth of interest in these academic institutions to showcase how proud you are of the work that you do.

If you can tell a story through your narrative, it will build a more intimate relationship and will make you stand out to other candidates.

Don't just tell it how it is. Discuss why you are worth the shot - what makes your background special. Discuss your long-term goals and how attending said universities can help you achieve those.

Scholarship / Competition as the path to success. GKS-G. Masters degree in EDUCATION (South Korea) [3]

In terms of writing technicalities, I suggest looking into reviewing your usage of verbs, tenses, and punctuation. There were instances wherein you had puny mistakes. I won't nitpick, but I do highly suggest that you reread your essay thoroughly and ensure that your fundamental grammar is in line. Doing this will truly highlight your skills as an educator more.

Furthermore, I suggest that you reorder your essay. The structure is quite loose and can be improved. What I suggest is inserting the story about the South Korean girl (second to the last paragraph) into an earlier fraction of the paper to have a more impactful approach on why specifically you have chosen this country. The way that you build your narrative in the essay does not necessarily mean that you have to follow a dedicated sequence of events from the beginning to the end. You could categorize your stories into clusters that are relevant to the essay.

I would also look into substantiating further what educational differences you can observe between your home country and Korea. You had briefly mentioned it in your essay. Discuss more about the specifics of this.

Writing Feedback / Learning Motivation - IELTS Writing Task 2: Discursive Essay [2]

I would watch out for your construction of paragraphs. You have a tendency to leave behind thoughts, meaning that you end your paragraphs without necessarily providing concluding remarks. To avoid this, I would suggest always going back to the main thought of the paragraph before proceeding to typing another one.

I also suggest clarifying how you narrate your sentences. You have a tendency to somehow overwhelm the readers with words.
For instance, the last paragraph of the second paragraph can be rewritten as:
In other words, sufficient family time can ensure healthy interactions among members.
Try to be as straightforward as possible.
I would also suggest that you reread your essay and be more careful with your sentence construction. There were instances wherein you had redundant usage of nouns and verbs. To avoid this, I would suggest opting to use more pronouns in replacement. This will make your essay more polished.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : fast food consumption by income groups [3]

Next time, I suggest that you include in your post the graph/chart to make the feedback more specific and helpful. Thank you.
First and foremost, I would suggest merging that introductory sentence into the paragraph below it. It appears out of place in its current placement - and does not pave way for a structured narrative that will strengthen your essay.

Watch out for the words that you capitalize.For instance, names of food are notsupposed to be capitalized for they're not proper nouns. I suggest finding a grammar-focused learning book to boost your skills in determining these things. Once you get a hold of it, you'll be able to organically notice these small mistakes because they're easy to spot.

You also have a tendency to create run-on sentences or those phrases which are simply dragging and do not contribute much to the essay.
We can, for instance, revise your third paragraph's first sentence as:
The bar chart shows how people with higher salaries spend more than 40 pence for hamburgers in a span of one week. Meanwhile, the amount of fish and chips and pizzas are only chosen at approximately 20 pence.

You can practice all these suggestions and apply them to the rest of the essay. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: agree or disagree: the national or international literature and history [3]

From your introductory paragraph, I suggest changing your transition word between global history and literature into alongside.
This, therefore, would result to:
It is equally essential for children to learn both national and global history alongside literature.
This will ensure that you are not repetitive in your language - which essentially means that your essay would be better overall in terms of flow.

Also, watch out for your usage of punctuation and relative clauses. You have a tendency to have small mishaps in these two sections in particular. Avoid redundancy in your language; and you're doing good. What this means primarily is that you need to make sure that you aren't repeating your thoughts throughout the text.

Aside from these things, a subtle overview and review of grammar would also assist you in terms of structure. I have noticed that your essay has a lot of seemingly dragging or run-on sentences. To avoid this, I would suggest that you look into shortening your phrasing and being as straightforward as you possibly can be.

Scholarship / Australia Awards Scholarship Supporting Statement (Public Health) [3]

The essay already is technical. It showcases an in-depth understanding of the health field itself. However, I do have a couple of suggestions to better your essay.

I would suggest to first and foremost add more personal details into the essay. Build a narrative as to why specifically you have chosen this course. This will make your essay more humane and appealing to the evaluators because it showcases a more in-depth and personal passion towards the course itself.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you look into tackling more about the specific parts of the institution that attracts you to it. This will ensure that the evaluators know that you fit like a glove to the values that the institution stands for. This can, therefore, show that you stand out from the crowd.

Writing Feedback / Worty Cost? - New railway lines for high speed trains or improving existing public transport [4]

Your essay has a generally appealing structure on its own. The readers would certainly appreciate the way that you compose your narrative, However, I do have a couple of key suggestions for you.

I would recommend that you include a brief summation in the introduction as to why this is your stance in the essay. It doesn't have to be long and dragging - you only need to start discussing the fundamental reason why. This can strengthen your introductory lines.

Furthermore, I also suggest that you shorten your sentences. You should try to be more straightforward and concise. Doing this can improve the flow of your essay because it'll be more comprehensible for the readers themselves.

Lastly, I would also look into a different ending to your concluding or last paragraph. I would opt to transition more into discussing your personal opinion regarding the usage of improvement of public transportation. Perhaps you can end it with an anecdote.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people can buy cheaper products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend? [4]

Watch out for sentences which are long and dragging. You have a tendency to over-complicate the language - which will not be beneficial for you especially if you are looking into making your essay more comprehensible for the users. What you can do is to attempt to omit words which do not add value to your sentences.

For instance, let's take into account your second paragraph's second to the last sentence. I would rephrase that instead as:
One advantage is that there are Android devices that are bought at lower prices in the market that still have various features and advantageous processing times.

What I did was attempt to compress all your descriptions into a single sentence. You can master this technique through practicing more.
Your third paragraph appears to be hanging as well. You can merge this with your fourth paragraph with a little bit of usage of transitions. Hanging paragraphs like this do nothing for the professional structure of your essay, hence I suggest that you look into altering them or shifting them a bit.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you change your transition for the second portion of the essay wherein you discuss the drawbacks of the products. You had already utilized the number system as a transition, therefore I would recommend that you opt for an alternative to avoid redundant language that do not contribute to the flow of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts part 1_Table: compares the data about the underground systems of railway in six cities [2]

My first recommendation is for you to condense your writing. This is especially useful for ESL learners because it minimizes the possibility of you committing fundamental errors (run-on sentences, wrong usage of relative clauses and punctuation, etc.).

For instance, I would revise your second line as:
It can be seen from the table that the earliest underground railway of London is also its longest.
Simply shifting around the words would enable you to have more structure in your essay.
Review your usage of punctuation. You had a tendency to overuse it, disrupting the overall flow of your narration.
The overall outline of your essay can be quite confusing as well. I would suggest that you create a more organized approach to explaining the table. For instance, you can discuss firstly the history and the length of time that the railway has been up. Afterwards, you can delve into the quantity of flow of people who use the system itself.

Apart from that, I would suggest that you include the table next time so that we can provide a proper writing assessment.
Best of luck.

Scholarship / English Teaching - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? - AAS 2019 [6]

@Day999
The flow of your essay is sufficient. However, I do have a couple of key suggestions that could better the overall content and structure of your composition.

Firstly, I recommend that incorporate anecdotes into your essay. You can talk about an instance in your life that made you want to be a linguist. If this is absent or too much of a stretch, you can talk about what has driven you to partake in a graduate program. While you have mentioned wanting to become a teacher in the field, it would be better if you could expound this more.

What about the profession excites you?
What has made you choose this profession above all others that are present?
Moreover, I would also suggest discussing why you have chosen the university itself. You have mentioned courses which you believe are impeccable.However, it would also be nice to discuss the overall social and cultural background of the academic institution that makes it stand out.

How exactly do you fit into the environment of the school that would make you a better candidate?
What can you offer to the university?
Lastly, you discussed how you had teachers and lecturers who had inspired you to partake in the program. I would suggest looking into expounding that. Discuss who (specifically) has helped you to realize your dream.

Remember that the more personal your essay is (especially for applications), the more that evaluators can appreciate you. There are a lot of applicants already in the vacuum of the system. Tackle more about what has shaped you to become who you are. Talk more about yourself - not just as a student but as a person who has in-depth aspirations in life.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / AAS - teaching is my passion; pursuing master's degree in applied linguistics with TESOL [3]

I would suggest a different opening than what you have know. It's a bit odd to start your essay (regardless if it's linked to a different one) with mentioning that you had already uttered it. To make the flow a bit better, I would suggest that you look into mentioning an anecdote. You had already started your essay through stating that you admire the quirks coming from your student. Can you recall a specific instance that this had lured you to the job? If you can do that, it would be a more specific and substantiated format of what you have now.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you should not put yourself down in the essay. Look for alternatives with your thoughts. For instance, instead of mentioning that you feel as though your work output is becoming boring, you could mention that you are simply looking into ways to make your work more optimistic and forward-looking.

Ultimately what I would suggest is that you attempt to be more specific with your essay. Mention specific portions of the course that excite you. Mention which portions you wish to improve on. Mention more anecdotes. Make it as personal and intimate as possibly can.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / AAS - Knowledge / Skills / Procrastination - examples of use, as well as the constraints [3]

I think that your essay is promising. However, I do have a few recommendations that I believe will contribute to its content and structure.
It would be a great addition to your essay if you could expound your three points with anecdotes or specific moments in your life wherein you realized that these were necessary for you. For instance, in your first point, if you seek to discuss how you want to be a better educator, talk about a time that had inspired you to start teaching in the first place. Talk about what had made this passion truly important for you. If you can do this, you'll be able to get the hearts of the evaluators more. This means that you can make them understand how truly important these aspects are to you.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you expound more on your constraint. You only gave a brief idea of it. It would be appreciated if you could expound specifically on why this is important. Perhaps you can talk about a time you had overcome this constraint; and how this circumstance has made you a better student overall.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / An Application for the World Bank Scholarship Program - most significant professional achievement [3]

I would watch out for your usage of prepositions. While your grammar is noticeably good, you have to watch out or small usage mistakes. I would suggest that you reread your essay multiple times to ensure that you do not let small slip-ups go through.

Apart from this, in terms of content, I recommend that you look into extending the substance of your essay. I would suggest that you look into adding more information as to how these professional achievements have helped Indonesia in the long run. You were already sufficient in terms of putting on the table your roles and responsibilities. However, it would be a great addition if you could expound on how you this has assisted the people of Indonesia.

Looking at the rubric, I suggest that you also expound more about how your professional work has contributed to your nationalism and love for the country. Talk about your aspirations for the country's growth - and how these have contributed to your dreams and career goals.

Letters / Reference Letter for my friend (new job) [3]

I think that the essay is sufficient in terms of having the basics covered. However, I would also recommend that you expound more about things.

A lot of the traits that you had mentioned in the essay seemed as though they were pulled out of a template. While this may not be the intention, it can come off as that especially if the tone of the essay comes off as too serious. To avoid this, I would suggest that you look into incorporating more anecdotes. Personalize your essay as much as possible.

Talk about a time wherein Jeff had offered a solution to solve a horrendous problem in the institution. Talk about his personal traits as an individual outside of the work environment. If you would mention him as a dedicated and reliable individual, you can discuss a time that he had showcased these traits publicly.

There's no such thing as overdoing it if it's a reference letter, especially for as long as the traits and the qualities that you mention are all true.

Research Papers / CBD: Better Than Prescripition Drugs [2]

Let's go through the technicalities.
I suggest that you find a better transition word when you move from one paragraph to another. For instance, you can opt not to use "the next method" directly as your transition line from the fifth to the sixth paragraph.

For instance, what you can say is:
There is also what is referred to as the Olive Extraction Method.
I would also opt to remove the quotation marks because it's redundant and unnecessary in your essay. You can simply capitalize to showcase that these are pronouns/titles. It will be sufficient - rather than cluttering your essay with punctuation that does not contribute to its overall structure.

Look into your transition as well between the sixth and the seventh paragraph. It's odd and informal to simply put the title without adding it into a proper sentence. Simply revise and include a simple sentence structure to avoid cluttering your essay.

Furthermore, you had also a tendency to create lengthy paragraphs (specifically the eighth paragraph onward). You can avoid this through cutting your paragraph into two different, specific points to discuss and expound. Once you have accomplished this, I would suggest that you look into shortening and making your sentences as concise as they possibly can be.

I would also switch the tenth and the eleventh paragraph for structure-related concerns.
Your essay's closing remarks were sufficient. However, it would be nice if you could integrate your last two paragraphs (shortening your current last paragraph as well in relation to it) because the second to the last one right now appears to be isolated and out of place. Hanging paragraphs that do not have specific points of subject should be avoided as much as possible.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Essay (Problem-Solution-Evaluation Essay) about Drones [2]

I would suggest simplifying your language to make your sentences more precise and comprehensive. It would be appreciated by readers if you could make your sentences as straightforward as possible, especially because the essay that you have already includes quite a technical topic.

For instance, I would paraphrase your introductory sentence as:
Drones are commonly used because of their functions and capacities. There is a growing influence of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAV) on people's lives.
Take note that I used the typical sentence formatting than making an irregular sentence. I also have switched over firstly using the full name of a terminology before introducing an acronym. This is standard formatting as well.

Furthermore, in your paragraph for the solutions section, I would suggest not starting this portion with nevertheless. This is quite an odd introduction. Rather, simply have an organic flow by omitting it and starting the sentence directly into the point of your thesis statement.

Scholarship / AAS - study/work in a group and mutual help - 'solving a challenge, implementing reform' essay [5]

Firstly, I would watch out for your usage of punctuation. There were instances wherein you had misused or overused it. To avoid this, I would recommend that if you feel like you can go without it, you should opt to remove it in your structure.

The anecdote on the second paragraph is delightful. I would only suggest that you tackle a specific instance. For instance, talk about a specific friend and give a little bit of background information on her. This will enable you to have more perspective on the matter than dealing with it calmly.

Watch out for your tense usage as well (see your last paragraph). Be wary of the way that you structure and phrase your sentences. If possible, be as straightforward as you can be to avoid instances wherein you would cause confusion to the readers.

I would also recommend that you watch out for your usage of preposition at times. It can be quite confusing with the way that you narrate.

Apart from that, you're going on the right track.

Graduate / Green Technology and Engineering - Help with my Personal statement [3]

@Ise_g
I think that your essay's formatting is beautiful because of your usage of anecdotes. The more personalized an essay is, the better it is when it comes to providing that intimate feeling for the readers. However, there are a few key suggestions that I recommend for you to be able to better your essay's overall structure.

For instance, I would recommendhaving a more outward-looking essay. What I mean by this is that you can better your essay through adding more about what you are looking forward to specifically from the curriculum. Say, for instance, if there is a course that you are truly looking forward to get, mention that. Be as enthusiastic as you possibly can be when it comes laying down the details. Discuss more about what specific skills and knowledge you can garner from this.

Also, I could recommend that you look intodiscussing specific parts of the educational institution that also excites you.Discuss why you believe it is the best in the country. You had briefly mentioned this, but it would be appreciated if you could expound on it more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: reasons and positive/negative development for shopping malls designed for the young? [4]

@goodorfood
I would suggest removing phrases which do not provide additional substance to your essay.
For instance, I would have shortened and paraphrased your first sentence as:
The development of shopping centres and malls designed to attract the youth enabled them to spend more time.
You could omit mentioning that there are main reasons to it because your following sentence already mentioned it.
Furthermore, I would also recommend adding a more specific context or example to your essay. This will help the readers fully understand what you mean.

If you can, you may also briefly mention the negative reasons as to why people should not be engaged into this. Mention the pessimistic perspective to balance out your narrative.

Be concise to make this more substantial as much as possible.
Best of luck.

Scholarship / An Application for the World Bank Scholarship Program - Future Career Plans [2]

Technically speaking on your grammatical composition, I suggest that you look into your usage of punctuation and prepositions. There were slip-ups that I would rather not nitpick on.

Regarding the content of your essay, I would suggest that you shift around the content to ensure that you follow a specific pattern and structure. I would recommend that you shift your first paragraph to the last portion of the essay.

In addition, you can be more specific with your wordings. Tackle specific issues and approaches - rather than just mentioning that they exist. The more specific you are, the better it would be to contribute to your essay's flow because it would be more comprehensive for the readers.

A part of the criteria is the commitment to the home country. Your current essay seemingly lacks this portion. Mention more about how specifically you want to help the country. By doing this and showing an in-depth research on the topic, you are showing that you truly know more about the topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Bettering public health by the number of sport facilities or other measures [5]

@Harrypham0109
I would watch out for your verb usage. There were instances wherein you were quite confusing. To avoid this, I would opt that you look into simplifying your language. As much as complex usage of terms helps in making an essay more professional, you should always try to make it as comprehensible as you possibly can.

For instance, I would revise your first sentence as:
While it is believed that sport amenities improve public health, there are alternatives that are more important.
This is a simplified version of your sentence. I would opt that you look into removing phrases that you believe do not substantially contribute to your essay. You should apply this as well to your next two paragraphs as you have encountered the same issue.

Lastly, I would suggest that you add more details into your concluding paragraph. A simple sentence is insufficient to prove your point because there's no thesis and analysis to it at all.

Most IELTS writing tasks involve that you maximize your space for content. You can do this through removing adjectives that do not fully contribute to your essay's flow. You can also do this through removing repetitive language.

Optimize your space as much as possible.

Writing Feedback / Childcare preparation to all new parents [3]

@tcl1120
I would opt for a different transition in between sentences and paragraphs.Your current method is sufficient. However, it would be appreciated if you could have a more organic approach to moving from one point to another. This can ensure that the essay is structured to be fluid.

For instance, I would change the last sentence of your first paragraph as:
While I agree that skills and methods for childcare are essential, it is impossible and impractical to impose the training to all new parents.
To maximize your space, use impossible and impractical instead of not possible and practical because it's the formal usage of the words.I would also suggest moving around your phrasing as to not be repetitive. For example what I had accomplished was only use parents once in the span of one sentence.

In your fourth paragraph, change your opening line because perhaps is an unacceptable method of introduction. Considering the magnitude of options, you can opt to omit that and instead go straight to the point.

I would also recommend changing your introduction in the concluding paragraph. While usage of creative language is alright, it is better to opt for a formal articulation than it as to keep the academic standard of the essay itself.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / In some countries there are more young adults than older people - advantages? [5]

@tcl1120
I would opt for a better introduction for your paragraphs. It is quite repetitive to continuously mention"from the [...] point of view" because you had utilized this twice already.Instead, I would recommend that you look into a more straightforward and direct to the point approach. If you do this, you can help make your sentences and phrases more concise.This will truly help readers digest your writing easier.

I like how you used more concrete datainto your second paragraph. You should incorporate the same technique to your third paragraph.In here, you used the example of innovative companies. Instead of being general here, I would recommend you would have a specific case as an example. This can improve your essay's substance.

Like the previous comments I've had, I also recommend that you look into a different opening line for your conclusion. Use more formal language than creative because this will make your essay more academically appropriate.

Once you mention how there are merits that outweigh the drawbacks, you also briefly mention what are these to not confuse the readers.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: In some regions, a great number of young adults are elected for key roles in the government [4]

I would opt that you shorten your sentence structure, making your content easier to grasp by the readers. While your first paragraph had a decent structure, there were writing techniques that you could have used to make your flow more concise.

For instance, I could rephrase your first sentence as:
Young people in some regions are now elected for key government roles.
What I had done was to omit unnecessary words (preposition, modifiers, etc.) to be able to shorten the structure. This is an effective method if you seek to maximize your word count. Try to omit what you can omit while still maintaining the fundamental grammar rules. It goes a long way. Apply this recommendation to your entire essay.

For your second paragraph, I would suggest that you may remove the to begin with and instead proceed to directly beginning your paragraph. These words do not contribute to the content - therefore are not necessary in the essay itself. When working with limited space, you should take this into account.

Furthermore, I would recommend that you use an oxford comma as it can help your essay appear more academic.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 1 - statistical information on the amount of flora and fauna extinction in tropical forests [2]

I would switch your first two sentences. In the process of doing so, you could briefly expound and touch on the idea of human beings being a contributor to the threats to vegetation. Afterwards, you can proceed to mentioning the statistical information present in the graph and the chart. This would make your essay follow a more deductive method of content that is easier to comprehend for the readers.

Furthermore, be as straightforward as much as possible. Try avoid using words that lengthen the sentence (articles, modifiers that are redundant, out of place preposition, etc.). By doing this, you are able to curate text that is more academic.

For instance, I would suggest that you look into revising your second paragraph's first sentence as:
In the beginning, the number of extinct plant and animal species was only under 5 000. This is predicted to experience a dramatic rise until 2060 with figures expecting to peak 10 times higher than the base year.

By inserting terms (ie. base year) and omitting adjectives that do not contribute to the text itself, you are able to make a much more concise structure for your essay. Furthermore, I would also suggest that to avoid being repetitive with your usage of words. If you feel as though you can opt to change your phrasing, then feel free to do so.

Watch out for your usage of parenthesis as well. I noticed that you had utilized this method to describe your figures. Simply eliminate these and be straightforward with introducing your numbers. There's no need to add a parenthesis.

Best of luck.