Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

It would help, too, if there were several paragraphs instead of just one. Break this into sections and work with each one as you go. You might find it an easier go if you do that.

Undergraduate / richmond supplement: out of the comfort zone- comments appreciated [2]

This is basically a good essay and and an interesting one, too.

But it needs more paragraphs (break it up some) and you need work on prepositions and plurals. Read it out loud and see what it sounds like and you'll see what I mean.

Writing Feedback / Sport and motivations - money influence? [5]

There are many many errors in this.

Wrong prepositions, missing prepositions, statements like


that make absolutely no sense at all.

First: use vocabulary you know. Don't depend on a thesaurus to give you a nice high-sounding word that doesn't fit.

Second: review sentence structure. Your sentence constructions are not standard English style, i.e. S-V-O.

Third: follow a plan for this writing. Find a good beginning and follow it to a logical conclusion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:ELECTRIC BOOK OR PAPER BOOK?(contrast) [8]


This makes very little sense to me. I think I understand what you are trying to mean, but when I am reading, I don't want to have to take the time to figure it out. You should just say what you mean, clearly.

That's really the problem with this essay--there is too much vocabulary that doesn't fit, and expressions that are bewildering.

And, the books are electronic, not electric.

Undergraduate / Fortification - Rice Supplement Essay [6]

Quite an interesting essay. It would make a good short story.

Several issues: in some places it feels like the vocabulary is beyond you, like you're reaching for words instead of using them. When that happens, you lose your rhythm and naturalness.

You also did not make a strong enough connection to Rice in particular. The prompt is pretty specific, so you ought to do that, somewhere toward the end.

I liked the ending sentence, personally.

Undergraduate / "underestimating" - Common Application short answer. 150 words or less.... [12]


Nice comments, everyone. This word should be emigrated .

Undergraduate / "fascinated by fish" - stanford intellectual essay [5]

This is good as far as it goes, but it needs more of you in it. Otherwise, it's like an encyclopedia entry.

Undergraduate / "A Major set back" - undergraduate essay.... [10]

I think your essay is an important one and needs to be told. I do agree with qyuiosilent about the first part, and in general there is a feel about it of distance.

This is important in your life. You can't tell it like a reporter would. It should have more of your confusion, and deep feelings about it.

Try telling it from that perspective, like one who has lived through and lives with discrimination that isn't even rational or deserved.

Undergraduate / University of Florida: Undergraduate essay on life experience [13]

The writing is excellent, and the added bit about UF is good too.

Think about this: the people reading your essay are probably really tired of reading essays, but they are not oblivious to what is between the lines. You don't have to explain everything in every minute detail--they'll get it. They'll know what you mean.

I think that all you really have to do is clean it up a little--check for errors. The content is outstanding and I think you've told it with just the right touch.

Undergraduate / First Cut / Sister's eating disorder - U of M Essay [13]

A part of me thinks that this conversation might make a good essay for you because it shows that you take things seriously and really try to think things through. That is exactly the quality college people are looking for.

Of the two possibilities you mention, though, I like the second one, for the reasons already mentioned. Literature is great, but there is so very much more in the world to read, and the fact that you chose a medical book speaks much about you that goes to your character is ways that your experiences with your sister do not.

Undergraduate / UF Essay- How I can contribute to the campus as a Gator [4]

'Strict' is much better.

I think it's good to go. Just please make separate paragraphs.

Undergraduate / "I saw a baby die." - Common App Essay - Significant Experience [4]


I don't think 'bummed' is the right word here. Too slangy.

The essay is good. I'd recommend reading it out loud just to see what it sounds like. You can get a better sense of it that way sometimes.

Writing Feedback / "The most delicious meal I have ever eaten..." - Descriptive Essay [3]


This is called a dangling modifier. It implies that your girlfriend was coming home from work, because that modifier is closest in the sentence to her. All you have to do is to put the 'coming home' part after you are mentioned.

You also have, as mentioned, past and present all mingled. Choose one and stay in it.

There are also way too many adjectives. I know that a good meal makes you want to describe everything, but you can overdo it. There is an awkwardness about some of your descriptions just because of that.

Undergraduate / virginia tech admission essay- I need help cutting it down [5]

Just relax. The essay has room for both narrative parts and other parts directly related to your quest to get accepted. You can weave these together into a cohesive whole piece that will be the best of both types of writing. But all of the beginning should be a push to get to the end, which is convincing the committee you belong. Everything in the essay is for that purpose.

Undergraduate / 'Being a product of my environment' - Florida State essay VIRES [4]

EFKevin and muffinman both make really good points.

Here's the issue for me:


I'm not sure what you mean here. Skill is certainly possible without character. These are the kinds of statements people make that sound really philosophical but really don't make much sense. Check for these kinds of things and really think about them.

Undergraduate / elaborate on one of your activites in 150 words or less (football) [6]

The second one is much better. I don't think that 'eclectic' is the right word, though. 'Accessible' might be better. It's also good that you've chosen to focus on one thing rather than several. It's much more fitting to the prompt and the given length.

Undergraduate / In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU [10]

Exactly. Why BU and not BC, for example? Where is your passion?

Undergraduate / "just go back in the cage..." - An extracurricular activity essay [6]


This is really awkward. This would work better: 'and dirtier' Since you used 'more,' it's a comparison so you have to use the comparative form of 'dirty.'

On the whole, this still doesn't get at EFSean's objections. It just doesn't tell that much about you.

Undergraduate / Writing about either philosophy or political parties, NEED HELP [2]

This is just my own personal idea, but it fits with what you are trying to do.

The Southern Appalachian mountain culture is unique and discrete and is being destroyed every day. The people of the mountains have historically been blamed for their own problems, like poor housing, transportation problems, poor education, bad water, and so on. Those outside the region think literally that in America, anyone can pull one's self up by one's bootstraps and that poverty is a choice.

This attitude is reflected in our current national debate over government aid to the poor and the Republican attitude toward wealth. Republican administrations have consistently gutted EPA regulations so that coal mining and energy interests can exploit regions like Southern Appalachia, decimating culture and killing residents in the name of profit and free enterprise, the great American ideals. Where is the balance? Why is death acceptable in order to realize the American dream?

You don't have to use this, of course, but it might get you thinking about the specifics of a philosophy as opposed to general statements.

Undergraduate / Adult returning to school... review/critique this very ROUGH draft? [7]

This is very well-written. You have had an interesting life and are quite well-prepared for college. NDSU will be lucky to have you.

There are some minor tweaks that need to be made. But otherwise, it'll be fine. You're the kind of student colleges are looking for.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Playing piano at retirement homes [2]

First sentence can be "The opening chord was flawless, but" That cuts one word.

Third sentence, you can delete '"Thus." that cuts the other word.

This is a nice little vignette. I like it.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL College education is one of the significant sources of increased knowledge [3]

Aside from the grammar missteps, this essay has the same kind of flaws commonly seen in those written by people whose language is not natively English.

it is clear that the vocabulary is not natural to you, and so what fluency you may have had is lost. There is a noticeable lack of precision in some of your phrasings that interrupts the flow of your writing.

It would be a good idea to redo it using words that are more familiar to you.

Undergraduate / "Benny? Benny?! Where are you?" (Rutgers essay appl.) [18]

All of these comments are excellent.

The story is compelling, and I can see why it needs to be told. But you still have to remember your audience, who may not share your enthusiasm. At some point, you still have to get it back toward the original prompt, as has been suggested.

Paragraphs are a must. Absolutely.

Letters / my CV.. adoptive immunotherapy and the study of cytotoxic T lymphocytes (CTLs) [2]

I don't know enough about this kind of science to advise you content-wise. The only thing I can suggest is that you limit descriptions and use links instead, if that is possible, or at least shorten the descriptions somewhat. This is a lot to read in a document that is supposed to be a glance at your work and education history.

Undergraduate / Six-Minute Eternity - Common Application Main Essay, The Hand In Darkness [9]

This is better, but I still have issues with a couple of things.

One is the use of articles (definite 'the,' and indefinite 'a' and 'an.') These are important signifiers in English, signaling that a noun is to follow, and what kind. I notice that these are missing, and it is jarring not to have them there.

The second is the use of vocabulary. I think that some of these words were picked from a thesaurus and are not a part of your normal vocabulary. It is a hard thing to do that well; precision, which leads to fluency, is lost when you don't choose just the exact right word. You should redo this using vocabulary you are familiar with, making it simpler and more fluent, adding to the impact.

Research Papers / Marx vs. Gandhi [Power, Social Class, and Money] Essay [6]

At the very least, list some ideas you might have. Then we will have something to work with.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources [5]

The content of the essay is ok. There are, though, many grammar errors. Thesewill have to be fixed.

As I was reading this, it was like reading an answer from someone who has absolutely zero interest in the subject. It is ok if you don't, but the reader needs to feel like you do. If you can, put some personal feeling into it. It will read much better that way.

Essays / I need ideas for a informative paper (+visuals)! [6]

Even choose something you are passionate about. Those are the easiest, because the words come out very easily.

Whatever you choose, the topic should fit you.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Undecided - "My Calling" [8]

I agree with both comments above. The essay is balanced, and needs very little work. I would suggest treading it out loud so you can hear what you've said. Then you may know where the best changes should be.

Undergraduate / Six-Minute Eternity - Common Application Main Essay, The Hand In Darkness [9]

I am intrigued by this, but like the comment above, here are lots of areas for improvement.

Revise and then let's read it again.

I was reminded immediately in the first part of a verse from Coleridge:

Like one, that on a lonesome road,
Doth walk in fear and dread;
And having once turned 'round, walks on
And turns no more his head
Because he knows a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

Undergraduate / UF Essay- How I can contribute to the campus as a Gator [4]

This certainly answers the question that is the prompt.

'Insane' deadlines are what make deadlines real. Be careful how you word this--college is full of deadlines. You don't want to come off as a whiner.

Overall, it's a good start.

Undergraduate / My life embodies FSU's guiding philosophy - my explanation [7]

This is soooo much better than before. I thought that many examples would be good, but this is better. You've captured the essence of what Outward Bound is. Many people don't really know that, so this is also an informative essay.

You speak of your experience very well here.

Undergraduate / 'Don't lie. I'm going to report you' common app essay.on a significant experience... [6]

I can see that the grammar is much better. Nice.

The conclusion--the essay tells me that you still have strong feelings about the incident--should reflect that you still have the feelings, that pain doesn't always go away with distance and forgiveness. It's ok to have the pain. The conclusion can acknowledge that.

Undergraduate / "to get a good education" - University of Florida: Amission Essay [4]

Excellent comment.

You have the stuff of a good essay. It just needs to be organized differently and less self-conscious.

Undergraduate / Curry; Significant person essay - It may seem cliché to say that it's my mother [3]

The comment above is pretty much on the spot. You're going to have to think of some really unique things for this essay.

Being adopted my mother has opened the door of endless opportunities for me

This is an example of a dangling modifier. It implies that you adopted your mother, not the other way around.

Undergraduate / 'all the trials and tribulations I have experienced' - GWU Transfer Admission Essay [6]

This made me smile. You have worked very hard on this essay, and it shows.

I like this a lot.

Undergraduate / 'Doing something meaningful in life' - Peace Corp Essay [2]

This is very good. Your transitions are smooth, and your flow is logical.

I always think these things should be longer. It's hard to sum up such significant events in a few paragraphs. I don't know if you have a word limit, but this would be even better if you added some things to what you already have.

Undergraduate / Music and science are 2 domains, 2 pillars, 2 passions ; Common app- Topic of Choice [6]

Much better. I agree with you about the process. That's the essence of passion, anyway, and it mirrors your musical practice, which is also a process without specific goal.

I like the way you've managed this.

Undergraduate / Non sibi sed partiae - background / interest [5]

I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. The opening lines were unexpected, and I wasn't sure where you were going. Also, the present tense was a little disconcerting.

BUT, you managed to pull it off. The opening led beautifully into the rest of the paper, and it all fit together very well.

You need to develop a paragraph structure for this, though. And I don't think it's long enough yet.

Undergraduate / FSU essay [Latin ViRES and more] [3]


Question mark goes at the end of 'ask.

'


I know that discussing abstract things is difficult, so you have to be really careful when you do. I have no idea what this sentence means.

I think that if I were you, once vires is defined, I'd not use the Latin word so much. Strength and other similar words seem better to me. It's distracting because we just don't go around speaking Latin like that. But that is just my opinion.