Book Reports / comparing the tragic flaws from Frankenstein, Hamlet and The Great Gatsby [3]

well, it may be a bit late, but there are a lot of character's in each of these novels/play that you can indulge in. maybe the one that stands out is the main character's un-assertiveness and lack of resolve (as in hamlet and gatsby) but also how they stick to a single ideal of beauty/family/something. wish you had asked for more, because I don't know what you want to do with this. what "ideas" need to be organized here?

Writing Feedback / Green Change - "cause and effect" essay [6]


Ever since this past June, (is it you who finds this new meaning? or is it everyone?) have found a new meaning for "going green."


Protesters against dictatorship in Iran call themselves "green" to reflect the symbol of Mir Hussain Masavi, a reformist presidential candidate.* I rewrote it to be active voice. also edited the hanging modifier and the semi-colon. a reformist pres. candidate is a person, the campaign is not a person, but something else, so you can not connect the two as you did.

<this seems interesting, I hope you won't mind me rewriting parts of it. re-correct or ignore my comments if they aren't true> <I'll use these arrows for my comments>

[quote=newsha31]Since then t Besides troubling the regime, the Green Movement has changed a lot of things, especially the life styles of many Iranians. "For thirty years Iranians were in their closets, refusing to come out and now it's been thirty days that they've come out of their closets, taking into streets, and they're absolutely refusing to go back in." Ebrahim Nabavi, Iranian satirist and journalist, stated in his article "what happened to whom?" in June.

To this dayToday , the changesthatoft he Green Movement'smade hashave passed the geographic borders and continued on toit has changed the world. Not only inspiring people in other countries under dictatorship such as China, but it has changed the image of Iranians from violent terrorists and uncivilized people to a nationindividuals who/community that stands and fights for freedom and democracy using modern day techniques. <here I'm not sure what fits. are they a group? can you call the Iranians a body/group?>

<why the quotation marks?>"A while ago, I got an email where I read that some kids in New York in protest of the way their principle was treating them decided to "go Iranian" on him; meaning the decided to stand up to him and demand their rights. That blew my mind, because as an Iranian kid grown up in America the term Iranian was never used in a positive way like that. It wasn't cool to be Iranian, you couldn't use the term Iranian as standing up to people." says comedian Maz Jobrani who's been living in the States for more than 30 years. He adds: The movement has well showed the fact that Iranians want democracy and freedom just as much as any American citizen would want, has opened a new sharing point for the two nation.< What are you trying to say here? how does this show cause/effect?>

Tons* of Facebook pages
student* in Bellevue College

Okay, I like the event and all, but how is this a cause and effect essay? Are you saying the cause is the beginning of the Green Movement, and the effect is the realizations and opening of doors in Iran and abroad? You have a lot of quotes. Some are good, others don't quite fit in. You use informal voice several times, but it fits I guess. It flows well, the subject is clear, but you don't mention the going green after the first paragraph. maybe in the conclusion talk about how this greenness is apparent in the changes of people's perceptions of Iran and how this push for reform is green, like a rebirth (or something along those lines). Interesting topic and discussion.

Undergraduate / Iowa State University First Year Honors Program Essay: 5 year Space Mission [2]


O really? not to disprove you, but it was newly discovered by the Europeans, namely the English. The indigenous Africans already lived there. maybe just say how it shows the interaction of one nation with another, that two distinct civilizations met in this novel...which really quite dark.


pray tell how that book shows complexity? the whole going native, fallacy, ludicrousness of the European approach to the natives was horrid. I, as the reader, may wonder of the things in this book that you understood.. talk about those as examples..

While yes,


, you don't say how.. maybe mention that there has to be diplomatic and strategic approaches to unearth or uncover new territories, planets, etc. I like the reality check, but reality check what on your actions? not to do some things, to do some things more, to not do anything at all for some things? tell the reader what you think about this book.. maybe more about the strongest impact this book may have..for me it was the horrible state of power and mismanagement of resources that will remind me to think about my endeavors thoroughly before I embark on a journey where you can't turn back. (while the narrator goes back to England, you as a space-ranger (haha) may not be able to


Ok, so music, why not a portable computer? lol. a PSP or something can sub as an mp3. well, about this sentence, why can u not last without music? what about music is so important? you say


, but is that the only importance of music? maybe because listening is so passive, you can say you want to bring your electric violin (assuming you can get one) because as an honors essay, I don't think passiveness and relieving stress through using music during free time looks all that well/strong. is this really you? are you INSEPARABLE with that device? tell me more about why..less of this:


free time. lets just say that you are in space for a long time, mp3's are such a limited device... if you really want to talk about it, tell more about it...how it would let you flourish. I advise the violin/psp/something that reflects you as a person and not just a stressed music fan- sound reasonable?


Good item, but I have to wonder, will you swim in space? haha. maybe the memories are nice, floating in space with yellow goggles. I like the image :] but the luck thing...why is that significant? you say it will


here I must ask, what did you gain, what journey in swimming? think of what you did in swimming, was it individual races/relays? what about that will reflect on your future (in the spacecraft, i.e. college)

Ok, great. you have your items, you're all set to go, but what did you leave behind? If you could, maybe an intro, that introduces in short, these items and their importance. then again, if you find that hard, I think I would too. Overall, grammar is good. just some things that leave me wondering about who you REALLY are. things that stood out, you are a swimmer (endurance) and an avid music fan (passive/creative in that you make music with a violin) there are many things left unsaid that you can say.

Undergraduate / UNC - 500 Word Supplement - The Banana Boat [3]

hey its TwizzleS


what did you mean here? by live up mine~


and why is this separated? is this supposed to be a quote?


only here did you begin to talk about a definitive event. before was all introduction, yes?


The first sentence here continues the negative strain of thought. maybe combine it with the second one here to make it seem a more progressive realization


after this, you could put something about it somehow felt natural


you can talk more about what those are, why they became your favorite, etc. because they can show more about how you broke out of your mentality that you could not dance.

Maybe you can shorten that conclusion, write more about how although you couldn't dance a tango or a waltz, or (skanking/etc), that you made your own dance moves. you can connect this with your realizations that while you can't dance, like a professional, you can still do things that reflect who you are, (maybe a reference to banana boating). Good luck~

Scholarship / My Challenge of being a Team Player (all kinds of sports) - scholarship essay [3]

first paragraph has some tense changes that go from present to past


You say fear in the first paragraph, so maybe connect this sentence with the next and take out fear


interesting, but it somewhat goes against your intro. maybe you can shorten your intro to something about how at first it wasn't that you didn't see the importance of teamwork, but that you were afraid? then in the body, it will be the discussion about swim. therefore, you don't have to list tennis, or w.e


sounds negative somewhat


this was an example of that fear, you can talk more about it- how this was what make you wary of teams, because of the pressure...or soething along these lines


I like this paragraph, though it is long, but the imagery is quite nice.


second sentence pops out of nowhere, even though you are talking ab out your team, need a transition word or phrase like I realized that OR They made me see that.


is that a good thing?


now or then?


you should embed this more into your participation and not just say it
in the Last sentence, with misconception, what did you mean? your attitude?

Comments: Nice overall, some things to cut down maybe are the intro, about other things not related to team/swim/learning/change/etc that don't really make your point about how this was a significant experience.

I hope you don't get erased for bad title. Good Luck~

Undergraduate / My father - Daniel - has had the largest impact on my life [6]


continue having isn't parallel with the previous verb have and doesn't connect with has had. The prompt asks for someone, so maybe just say out front, My dad has changed/made the most impact on my life (because he was always there for me when I was down).?


the second part after the ; is unnecessary because this is the person you're talking about. another thing, it's a dependent clause in need of an independent clause.


using your dad's name Daniel in this essay seems somewhat formal. I'm not sure if that's how you are, but using "he" would make it seem more personal


through* haha. IM talk :]

I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through. a real challenge/adversity experience. I don't want to rewrite over your essay, but some things to consider, transition sentences, topic sentences for each of those experiences, maybe just a little addition about how your father was with you through that experience. This would seem like a difficult topic to write about. good luck~

Book Reports / Arthur Miller's The Crucible - essay [6]

my first concern: what is the topic/prompt?
you say Miller tells...writes...writes...uses...uses...uses... :X


Here it sounds like "He [Miller] writes ...and denies..." Make sure the parallel is between the correct subjects.
That interjection about page 102...is that crucial to the essay?
I believe you can combine that sentence about tone/metaphors/epiphanies with a previous sentence. by metaphor, do you mean allegory? it this was the thesis sentence, the ending half of the sentence is confusing. you have a chain of three verbs that I'm not sure what you mean.


would be sufficient, yes?
About topic sentences, what I do is either a transition or a short overarching analysis that you will prove in that paragraph: main idea/evidence/analysis/transition...repeat...

about incorporating tone into a play, I don't think one word succinctly explains the tone of their relationship. maybe the fact that this was a Puritan village and such words were condemned and it shows Proctor's feelings toward Abi...that can come in the center of that para...but make a more general topic sentence, then narrow down with evidence, and make it sufficiently analyzed so that you prove how Miller uses these techniques to show that perspective about truth and deceit.

That's a lot to talk about in the intro, but I'm guessing the prompt is something~ Evaluate how the author uses tone/metaphors/epiphany to develop his perspective on sins and truth.? <Random guess.

Undergraduate / my enthusiasm - Tufts Supp! Who I am [3]

Hey you!


While some may argue that*...


I like that word -kick. However, what does analogy crazy have to do with the prev. sentence? o yea, another thing, why mention yourself as someone who? why not, I get a kick out of*...?


nice imagery


WOAH~ quite a mouthful. maybe break these into smaller ideas? or if you want to keep them, it a tad too long... heart and heart = [<3] heart squared xD

try not to use hopefully? I've tried using it too, but it sounds rather off.
You keeo going, you move from one painting to antiques to paws to antiques to camera-girl to career to a BIG picture. maybe a short thing about paintings, an intro about your "voice/self-identity" you talk much about self-expression, so I guess that's covered. yes you do show the richness of your life, but maybe organize those riches better? (hint: more paragraphs/break the one you have into smaller ones)

Undergraduate / "to explore the present" - COLUMBIA ESSAY [3]

haven't read the other one, but I'm somewhat iffy about that speech you make. it sounds nice, with some grammar mistakes, but overall, it sounds true and genuine. I'd advise just paraphrasing, which would allow you to elaborate on some thoughts.

This is like a story of yourself buried inside another story. It's interesting as such, but your point is somewhat left out along the edges. so, if I were to go along the prompt, I'd be asking myself, what is this person Weili telling me about himself? he's nervous at times, but he's willing to say what he see's as true. he's also writing a storyline essay, it's different

(sorry if you're a girl xD I don't think girls play baseball, but ok.)

just wondering, what would be a prompt for your specific answer?
i'll go look at the other one now~

Undergraduate / Tufts Self-identity [7]

ooo~ same prompt :]
I like your first line, but it jumps from food, to cultures, to beats, and creativity...bit of a jumble


what do you mean here? isn't making beats creative? or did you mean something else


nice~ will this be your "voice"? however, what does this have to do with the next sentence about fortune cookie slips? and how does Peter Singer connect with slips of paper?

Animal lover..woah. you were just talking about food. now the beasts themselves?


ok..I'm sort of getting your flow; it's different to say the least. about the they here, are you saying that people claim to be hateful? or that most people are not as full of hate as many claim they are. :?

I like the "I am an amalgamation..." lol. funny. wish people could be packaged like that. would make for great new years presents.

Feedback. hm. what to say, it's a lot of information, but you don't specifically say what form your


. Also you don't quite reflect on what voice you will bring. maybe you can focus each short paragraph on those three things:


and work to make your ideas flow more because without an intro, each idea stands on its own until an somewhat concluded ending.

Undergraduate / TUFTS! MY OBSESSION WITH FOREIGN MUSIC [4]

foreign music! woo. but no bumping please.


long winded.


not to be anal or anything, but I get excited doesn't sound exactly exciting.


same thing as get excited? maybe switch/swap/insert/delete/etc..


On occasion, I have abandoned...*


what's this supposed to mean? you've gone back to a previous hype? what bands btw? 2pm/gdragon/suju?


make it sound like this is EXCITING...I get a feeling this was not written with umph~ unless your tone is different, but it just doesn't sound positive. Why mention the bad, the retrogress when you can mention the NEW, the exotic, the EXPLOSIVE or SOOTHING rhythms of these different cultures and ethnic/linguistic bands...

Okay...so here's what I thought. I like you excitement for music. I like how you involve yourself with what you hear and enjoy living with different cultural tones/moods/etc. HOWEVER, you don't place that music in good light. you list jumping back and forth from one band to another, seemingly at random.

The prompt:


Do you talk about a voice? what will you ADD? different tastes in music? linguistic experience? what?~

Undergraduate / plain awesomeness,How family history/culture/environment influenced who you are [3]

is the question how has* family/culture/...?


Bearing this title...lawn jockey-haha,


why?


and prove* to the...


the 'you' can be changed out.
if you want, explain more than just being a voice, explain how you did that...
what did you mean by path of perseverance?
why the slang? to emphasize your Latino background?
You can talk about that...about how this is you culture, your background, how people in you community aren't educated in the way that the majority is? that this is the culture you come from. The urbandictionary thing...is that also part of your culture? You don't really mention environment, but I'm not sure you have to. You do address how you've been motivated to do things differently, but can you make that more clear? The who you are part of the prompt you did answer I guess..

what was the actual prompt for this?

Undergraduate / Labor vs. International Relations! [4]


the studies of* ? unless it's just one study...


the nevertheless statement doesn't fit exactly. and did u mention the ambassador topic earlier? "its ability to nurture those with a wide range of interests." what does this mean? that ILR nurtures __what__ with interests? <I'm confused here>



if possible, combine w. previous sentence?


Hope you mentioned this earlier too.

It's fine as a conclusion, but what was the prompt? somewhat stands alone here, and that doesn't make it sound as nice

Undergraduate / Cornell Hotel Management Essay [2]


interested in how hotels run
As such,
About the hotel, maybe mention staff* at Lanesborough


haha. maybe satisfaction?


I don't see the point much in this paragraph. and it's somewhat informal~the you. the next paragraph is also about hotel location. I dont see YOU much in this essay.


runs on :/

Comments: yes, you do say what you learn, but it's minimal about yourself and what you gained...other than it's important to have great service/location. you also didn't really mention hospitality management, whatever that is. grammar isn't bad, some are great sentences. overall, interesting points, but you need to expound more about how they contribute to your future success...good luck~

Undergraduate / Brown-Best advice: "Be sexy, confident" [6]


haha. maybe a "will not let" will connect better.

Interesting piece of advice. I don't think it contradicts your common app because you still mention the hardships, etc

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]


like I said in a previous thread about research papers, what do you plan on talking about? what aspects of this topic? narrow the choices down (dangers/applicable history/current legislation/current debate/etc)

introduction:talk about some history, briefly, followed by the importance of the issue. then narrow down what you want to talk about, set the stage so to speak. last part of the intro should be a short conclusion of what you find

thesis can go in conclusion here or in the first paragraph of the intro. just a note: Introductions can be longer than just one paragraph. If you want to lay out subtitles in you paper, that will work too.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]


missed my mark*? I love to daydream <maybe consider a dash to join with the next sentence.>


nor star* I like the parenthetical statements
About the title, you don't have to put one right? This one does fit somewhat, but why dream a "little" dream? why the little, just wondering.

The essay turned out great though! Imagery is quite nice too. haha
Good luck!

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

haha Tim. yes, all those speeding/parking/j-walking tickets will beef up your college prospects. gotta steal a car and get it moving :]

Undergraduate / "Soliloquy of the Stereotype" - Common App Main Essay [7]

I agree with the Kevins. I like your way with words.

Just somethings I saw as confusing here and there:


modifier issue? the second clause doesnt connect like it should.
also, you switch between I and she and one and you. I like it sometimes, but other times, I get confused who is who, and what is what.


the you< informal


That is an arguable* statement, since...


first part is what I guess people could say stuck up...; plus, I don't think the two clauses connect. what do you mean by small, science-oriented group? the doctors/engineers? again, that clause at the very end, lending to this... doesn't connect somewhat. it hangs there.


what are the assumptions? it's not right after the previous ones, so the flow is somewhat interrupted. again, the girl...I guess you're going for a third person story effect, but it's a bit far from the place you start talking in third person, so it seems disconnected a tad. then in the following sentence, you go back to first.


and instead feeds*


this somewhat diminishes your claim about stereotypes. by mentioning tradition all of a sudden, you show that it is somewhat feeding into those stereotypes. so unless you say that yes there arguable facts about being Indian, but that you no there you shy away from them for such-and-such reasons, leave it out? would sound better and get a stronger point across


what's this mean? 2 and a half people?


ah. I see now. however, that as much as...I'm not sure the comma works here first part is present simple, second part has a "have" helping verb, fix it up a bit?


again, the we to one incongruency


maybe you can use a dash


Ok..why the still hope? you didnt mention losing hope or anything that seemed hopeless. maybe hope to sth?

I really liked the essay, thought it was quite long. You use a lot of complex sentence structure, sometimes overly so. If you could make a question about your essay, what do you think it would be? just wondering.

Undergraduate / Overcoming the Peer Pressure... [Common App Essay] [2]


you have got to be kidding...no pun intended here? or..you being funny...

about an ending, im not sure what you really need to say because you talk about so much. what prompt was this? you talk a lot about different events, but can you focus on one thing and talk about that? most likely you will have to talk ab out impact/influence, so you can talk about how you overcame peer pressure and took the initiative to be a friend to other lonely people at your school?

Undergraduate / Common Application college essay-- Tennis [3]

age of algebra? whats that? algea bras xD? jk ^^


sweated*


were you cut? im confused here. what did you mean by the start of the new paragraph?
main thing i couldn't get through was the last paragraph, while i somewhat get the calvin and hobbes? allusion, it's somewhat non flowing with the rest. also those other activities...iono if they need to be there

overall, very nice imagery..a bit too much about the sunscreen. haha. tmi xD
about tennis.. 5th doubles? how does that work? i thought a team was 3singles, 3 doubles. ~ 9people plus subs...so were u not a starter? or what..other than that, most of the flow was understandable. if you want to have stuff cut, focus more about the experience and it's affect on you..how it impacted you. no pun intended ;]

Book Reports / My intro of Hamlet essay - Why did so many characters die [2]

hamlet hamlet...
is this a book report summary? analysis? depends what the assignment you have to do. if it's summary, then ok, you have a lot here. if it's supposed to be more analysis, this is WAY too much plot summary.

that thesis, it does show what you will talk about, but if you want a stronger one, maybe say what that cause of these deaths are..the spying/distrust/war/insecurities/etc...something that you can focus on more on. this will let you narrow down the essay and smooth it down.

if your first line was the question you're trying to answer, then less of these explanations in the intro, and more general discussion to lead into these as a thematic essay...

in the end, it all depends what type of essay you are going for

Undergraduate / "Everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself" NYU Abu Dhabi essay [2]

hi. i think this question has a catch..you have to approach it by saying that maybe you dont want to change the world, but maybe you want to help it...just something you may add.

about your first paragraph, less about others, and you somewhat set yourself up for a self centered essay. you do say you will be able to better humanity...through changes, so i guess that's a start.

another thing, try taking out things in third person, like one, his, himself, etc. make it more YOU
your grasp of English seems strong enough. i think you can say much more about yourself, but use less words to say what you have already

that last paragraph, however, is great. i like the quote use, though you can talk about it more. i believe you can talk more about this section, about how nyu will change you..then you can use those examples/scenarios you have before.

merry xmas~

Undergraduate / "Like a Pair of Shoes " Is this really a setback [2]

is this really a setback? If you focus more on what you had to face with your twin, maybe...if you talk about the things that couldnt make you keep going forward. <that's what a setback is i think>

about resolution,..what you will do in the future, you do say that you will have to solve those problems, maybe you can say that your setback is that time you couldnt bear having a twin,..that may be a better focused essay on something that you solved and dealt with. that way you can also talk about the outcome's effect, etc. about this setback in the future, you somewhat have a base in that last para about problems

voice tense in the end is somewhat off.

merry xmas~

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

woah! a whole new essay.
yes it does address the prompt but it seems like a book report at times, which does show intellectual vitality. maybe include in the intro how things you read reflect this notion that stems from socrates' quote or show that this quote reminds you of things you have read and remember b/c of certain distinct things that drive you towards that last line of yours:


some long sentences, but I know you can get those down. now for me to work on my own essays :] merry xmas!

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

well there are different forms of intellectual vitality. for my essay, I talked about a thing that I thought was stimulating and intriguing. You here are going over a more broad event, an experience. If you believe you showed your vitality through this essay, then sure... I'm not judging on that. I mean it does show you are being a leader of sorts, thinking over the experience and such, so if you see that as vitality, then go for it.

Undergraduate / stanford supplement: what makes stanford a good fit for you? [9]

what I meant by the arrogance thing was that you don't really show that you want to be part of the community there, that you don't show you will give back, etc. I didnt mean it in a bad way~

Writing Feedback / Some people are born with certain talents.. [4]

Welcome to EssayForum!

Discuss means to describe the pros and cons of each view right?


True, but just saying talented is enough? innumerable* talented people...


okay, so your view is that of the prompt? Maybe a little creativity in your essay?


this conclusion is somewhat weak because you don't incorporate much evidence before. you mention the example, but that seems very hypothetical, and abstracted. Do you have an personal experiences that you can include?


No one taught them but they perform admirably.*


I think you got your wording confused. You mention earlier that you believe that some people are born with talents. you didn't mention that many are not*. this somewhat diminishes the validity of your opinion, so to speak

Another thing, using the for instance examples again and again don't show creativity or real understanding of the prompt/topic.


what did you mean here? that people who don't have innate skills have to learn them? that once they learn, only then can they achieve (success)? what are those feelings they perceive*?


to strengthen this part of the essay, try including the fact that you still understand that many are not born with talents.

Comments: Work on thinking more about the prompt before you write about it. That way you can have more to write about. Work on some spelling and grammar as well. Strengthening your argument will come naturally the more you write. Your transitions are good.

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]


why do you need a word? I see that you've improved a lot of the essay so far. much better flow of ideas.


what do you mean by completely relevant? something that's better for your goals?


encouraged* <dont need foster..>

One more thing that somewhat bugged me. if you can make some sentences less complex and make the thoughts a bit more concise?, that would make it somewhat easier to get everything you say and match one set of adjectives/appositives with the subject they modify.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / stanford supplement: what makes stanford a good fit for you? [9]


interesting third person sentence


Transition is a bit weak here. maybe try to fit it better with the previous one. Phrase it better?


It is* <try not to use contractions>


wordy, cut down some.


sounds like you made Stanford a choice out of the many. you can make that a good thing or a bad thing. depends how you build upon this.


Questioning yourself in your essay is okay...I guess. but maybe just make this point? And rephrase the adjectives, I don't think the ; fits there. And what do you mean stanford is THAT for me? what is THAT? explain more about THAT and less questioning? will cut some words down.


scary yet exciting..how...exciting.


independence means


...so you can take this out too. this and the next sentence are phrases , not sentences.


do you have to mention this so show that you will HAVE TO BE independent? And what of the monkey bar theme here? I don't see how, other than an unstated hint that monkey bars were not a comfort zone, this shows you will have to be independent. What did you mean by showing it? showing your independence on those bars? Maybe clarify this allusion.


great idea. yet not so great. you mention, that you HAVE many other colleges on your list...and you're not saying exclusively that Stanford is at the top. you just say that it is the more exploring university...whatever that means. say what you meant. please.


creative, but college isn't about tricks. use another word maybe.


What do you mean here? clarify? your drive for curiosity? that still puzzles me. drive for curiosity. maybe you meant something like drive of* curiosity? I don't know...


sounds like it's ALL you. that all that matters is YOURSELF..not the college or university..a bit arrogant sounding


maybe rephrase? I'm not sure Stanford is exactly a jungle gym..looks more like a place for studying and learning and researching and creating. maybe in the conclusion, reflect again on you making those new "tricks"

Good luck with the edits >_>

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: About me. Acting. [6]

what attempt is this now:? you ditching the catalina one?


word use? are lists really a disservice?


reflect is also another word I'm not sure about here.


what do you mean? sounds stalking-ish?

so you approached it with poetry? art? what is this supposed to be about? I can somewhat see what you are going at..being unique, but what does this REALLY tell about you that will help others know you. if they don't know where you're from, they may not get the wave reference, and why 90minutes? I'm confused about the first few lines of the I am... I don't see a person behind those lines, more like personifying nature. explain more? less elaborations about abstract ideas? good luck!

Scholarship / "Anything is possible if you wish hard enough"Founder's scholarship to study abroad! [2]


is altered the right word? yes it means change, but altered seems to fit elsewhere.


why why the two hand exposition?


prematurely as in before other people? before you could control it? explain.


what do you mean here?


and here?
this sentence was quite long.


this is still somewhat vague. while you have the commitment to do something, what is this "something"?


another run on. make sure those commas go right after the word, like this. don't leave them hanging. what did you mean by long-term goal? the one you mentioned in the previous paragraph? you keep moving onto new little topics, from your self development to your passion for art to your self worth to wanting to be an expert. then this paragraph keeps moving...onto creativity, business skills, experiences in mass media...

You don't outline strongly what YOUR dreams are, nor do you say what your ambitions for the future are...until the end of the third paragraph. make sure tense is consistent throughout. so you want to immerse yourself in knowledge and in different cultures, say that earlier?


with the assistance*

your point is made further into the essay, so that part is good. you still need to work on phrasing here and there, but word choice is good, though sometimes misused. good luck!

Undergraduate / The Dream Addict-Boston University Supp. [3]


ambitious much?


revelations of sorts? what are those? I thought revelations appear a certain times, not throughout...what about this revelation is one of sorts? it's a good one though


I count 8. I WANT 3. why 8. because you can't help but place 8? it fits w. the rest of you essay somewhat. but it's hanging on a limb.


pluralism confusing. what backgrounds? those jock/geek/freak groups? maybe...but those are not backgrounds, those are groups of people who have different ideas


sounds very dreamy.


If you're so dreamy...how are you ready? Make a split connection between being ready and being a dreamer. most dreamers seem like air-heads. show how YOU are different. I'm not saying all are, but what makes you so certain you aren't? tell about that.


the end of this sentence is odd. comma after leap?


what is diversity? misuse of a word?


phrasing is odd in both parts. start with I will give back to this community to the best of my ability and will give nothing short of hard work.?


what DREAMS? pray tell...what big idea? if it's helping people, say. if it's curing cancer, say! if it helping Boston become an underwater city, say! or not :X haha. but be more specific.

Comments: Strong voice, a tad too strong. You stand out because of it, but it sounds a bit too much fluff and not enough real substance once you break it down into what you REALLY have to offer. not prosaic, but does not abide by the prompt...dreaming too much? or just being ambitious...good luck Adam!

Undergraduate / "Jane has autism," Common Application Essay! Topic: significant experience. [4]


I'm confused..


wordy

1/3 of your essay talks about walking up to take the opportunity. shows your nervousness...but why do that?


again, wordy. this however, should be your focus. the thing that's most important about this experience yea?


seems negative. along with a few other instances, it doesnt show you at your best. ask yourself if you would tell your college that you were sad, that you were not quick to act upon opportunities even when you're at their door, that you are nervous around children, that you lacked the nerve to be friendly at first. some are good, too much makes you seems indifferent.

Interesting conclusion. It's all a blur...maybe mention that despite your unwillingness to go, you find time to smile because you saw everyone else smiling...jk...write what is true, but what reflects the better side of yourself. I don't think I pity your inaction, though it's understandable, but more +, less -

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Tennis, MATCH POINT - Common app essay of your choice [5]

tense. make sure you get it consistent.


simulations? what are assimilations?
As Ryan said, focus more on one topic? though it's great that you did both tennis and volunteering, you don't seem all that positive about it? these seem like arduous assignment/goals.


again, somewhat negative. make it seem more open about yourself, with less about you quitting.


I didnt know tennis had umpires :o guess I learned something new.


I like the intensity of your words, but it's not that consistent. Seems like your all for tennis, but not so much for you UN simulations.


what about her being a hard hitter?

Comments: I liked the ideas, but they somewhat don't connect. maybe a better transition between the two topics? one that's more involved and rational? another thing, tense makes it somewhat a harder read.


how does that work with your first round? best of three sets yea? the exclamations somewhat distract here. same with the CAPS. >_> isn't 15-40 matchpoint already for this other girl? and why mention her weight? haha.

Overall, great idea. edits with Ryan's comment in mind.

Undergraduate / I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch--Mt. Holyoke Essay [7]


bit wordy.


need a better transition but this is good. much more focused. also, a bit wordy like the previous ^


comma after world,


else's rings up wrong on my spelling check. maybe another word. maybe shorten this sentence.


bit repetitive. you can talk about what was the new prompt? it's similar, but yet different. what did you create? a sense of what_ a mood of what_ do you have to address all parts of this prompt? if yes, what was it exactly. :<

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. The twentieth century [5]


The great change< the prompt asks about the great change, so maybe another word, something creative? Of all the changes of the twentieth century,... or During the twentieth century, several new innovations changed the world, but electrical ones made the greatest impact. The list of 3 examples is a start. heating and cooling system, and computerized kitchenware. That last sentence is good. however, the prompt asks about the 20th century= 1900s, so maybe the effects/changes already occurred...and are still occurring? This intro works, but there's not much creativity in the language, the words you choose, the phrasing, "the great change...is about...technologies.. They..." is a tad non-parallel.


you chose two changes? A/C (air conditioning) and kitchenware. Your explanations are ok.. but what do they REALLY tell about that are worth mentioning as the ONE and only change of the twentieth century? Yes, A/C is great, it saves people from the harsh cold/heat, but what else does it do? it controls the environment, allows people to live even in the Arctic/Antarctic, or even in the middle of deserts, A/C allows people to regulate food temperature/freeze food, stabilize things for reaction/research/ ship food across countries w.o just ice packing..Be creative! yes electrical appliances were a great change, but what else other than parties :]

About writing skill, the conclusion is better I think than what I read last time. you try to lead into other topics...however, place your topic more in the scope of the change.


Good. but A/C keeps people comfortable, not healthy? well, somewhat healthy, but that's more about diet. however, since you talked about frying pans, steam cookers, etc, this sentence doesn't address that part of the change. If you want, you can mention how these electrical changes are not just those valuable to heating/cooling homes, but also allow people to cook in these more controlled environments. again, creativity to connect what you write about.

Undergraduate / something about you that will help your future roommate, Stanford Prompt 2 [4]


haha. isn't there only ONE way of listening to music? by our ears? or do you mean like hanging upside down, in the bathroom, while you sleep...etc? quite informal, but I like the idea.


more formal here? the jocular tone doesn't quite fit everywhere


again, the informal..I'm guessing your gonna use that the whole way through. ok. but stuffs? make these two ideas flow more rather than just one ideal and the other an example. Why CAPS the AND? same with next sentence..

sharing and solitary are not parallel nouns

Cal problems? calculus? how is that sharing?
annoying laptop? WHAT:?


I drive fast car too :S. um. the grammar went wack here. what does this have to do about you? about learning about YOU?


the quote, it's not much about you unless you say that it is. also...the admitted thing. Iono. it's your call.. but I'd leave it out

Comments: informal much, information much too much. I'm not saying that I didn't do something similar, but maybe narrow down to a few things that are more important to you? show how each thing reflects who you are and how these are just a list of things you do. The double comparison idea/technique is nice, but maybe mention that you ADORE opposites? that you don't just stick with the conventional, the norm, but that you hang on the edge? good luck

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

interesting idea. blocking out your own feelings or something? is that what this was about? or did I get a wrong idea. I'm not sure you have to make each line a separate clause. you don't do that ALL the time, but most. it's fine I guess. about the couplet:

When some calamity drives you away,
tis best to open up and not decay.
ER. ahahah. I'm not good at poetry. was this for someone? did you want a stronger couplet? ;]

edit* after rereading..that attempt (my attempt) failed haha. i'm gonna try again maybe.

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]


THIS SEPTEMBER...as in a few months into their application process.


this seems like you do this often. but then the question arises..why didnt you realize that voting inertness earlier?


runs on and on. shorten and make it focused?


non-parallel construction. this idea or topic is supposed to sho intellectual vitality. think why you chose this topic, and write about the strengths of that. while you should work on structure and content mainly, prose also makes a big difference when talking about intellectual vitality. somewhat goes hand in hand


another run-on. try splitting into paragraphs? or just maybe I can't see it here..what about that latter part of the sentence do I see? do I really believe? the my acquired public...it seems prosaic..nothing new, nothing that really shows vitality. expound on the experience more. something parts are ok, others more vapid

...


as well as...


the transition from the beginning to the end is quite stark. o btw, more transitions from where you began, while the newspaper is a start, maybe transition in from a more apt part of your life.


WOAH! what are you talking about. mocking mocking? as in mocking (imitating) mocking (derogatory) important government officials? that's one long chain...

Comments: try splitting up into smaller pieces. that makes it easier to digest. also, transitions and more words that pertain to this new field of law that you only started interacting with in September...If you had previous experience, it's not apparent. you're analysis of the experience is fluffy. I don't learn about what you REALLY did, other than in short summaries, bring more life into this essay. the first line seems great...but I digress