Undergraduate /
Miami University: common app, my father influential [4]
, so who is this influential person in my life? He would be my father!
Just say He is my father.
his father died from a heart
attack, so he had to grow up
His brother, my uncle, - if you say this here, then say: his father, my grandfather, in the previous sentence
My father had an extremely rough childhood. When he was about the age of ten, his father died from a heart attack. He had to grow up pretty fast to help take care of his mother and three siblings. His brother, my uncle, was only six months old when their father died. Due to this my father had to become a fatherly figure for him. Not too long after my father completed high school, his family and him left everything they had and moved to the United States.
ok this paragraph has wayyyy too many deaths and fathers, make it more concise, after all only 1 person died.
They did not speak - who? the antecedent is family, which is singular
He has given me so much, including the most important thing in the world: his love. awwww, but completely irrelevant. whose father doesn't love his child? BE PERSONAL
reminds - reminded
Those words are the reason I strive to make school my top priority. - why? how does that show his impact on your psychology? I get that you strive to do well in school, but just because of what he said? kinda unrealistic don't you think?
I know he wants me to become everything he wishes he could have become. - ok. no support. how?
My father has provided me with what I need to achieve my goals so that I can lead a happy and successful life. - again, no support.
My father also influences the way I approach life. He may have endured a lot of hardships, but he is still positive. Whenever I think of my life being tough, I think of everything he endured and all of a sudden I feel better. His teachings have made me who I am today. - positive and endure and teachings? really? where?
My father may not be a rocket scientist, an astronaut, or a brain surgeon - he is a simple man - yet he has left the greatest impact on me. My father is the individual who has influenced me the most. He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person; he believed in me. - HE BELIEVED IN YOU. that's great, but coming from nowhere
Look, i don't want to destroy your essay or anything, but it fundamentally lacks backup.
It's just like this essay i wrote and showed to my english teacher (graduate from Harvard). He pretty much colored my essay in black (or red, if you prefer) and told me, you write nicely, but it's just words. You blurt out theories, result, but WHERE IS THE PROCESS?
You need to provide events in which your father believed in you or provided for you or loved you MORE THAN ANY OTHER DAD'S IN THE WORLD. that's what you need to show the admin. or else they'll be like: hen, that's just like my dad! so what? why should i accept this student?