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Posts by Randyhl
Joined: Feb 9, 2010
Last Post: Mar 12, 2010
Threads: 8
Posts: 33  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 41 / page 1 of 2
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Randyhl   
Mar 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]

Thanks for your honesty Kevin, I really appreciate it! I will keep that in mind. However, the point is to bring up depression and the pain I have felt at my current school. I want the reader to feel what I feel.
Randyhl   
Mar 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]

Pitzer is known as being much more liberal and gay friendly than the conservative aggy school cal poly is. Second of all, "positively change the world" sounds much more fluid and coherent than "change the world in a positive way." Thirdly, diffuses is the perfect word. I am not saying fades from, I am saying the world moves around my head and is trapped.

Why are all of you comments so bad?
Randyhl   
Mar 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

Wait Susan, I do answer the question by implying many things. I imply I like being around those who are passionate about learning, I love the cozy aspects about Carleton, I love how liberal and progressive it is, and it developed by me seeing my self thrive there and being nourished by a warm college environment.

To constantly challenge what I truly believe.. I am not saying my beliefs change, I am saying I am constantly trying to discover them.

flee my thoughts and enter anothers.. as in anothers thoughts..

She made her self available to help.. does not need a "me" grammatically.

All of your comments are confusing.
Randyhl   
Mar 10, 2010
Writing Feedback / SAT prep essay about materialism [3]

Wow. I couldn't agree more. Very well written. Sorry I have no feedback, it was quite amazing. =)
Randyhl   
Mar 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]

Pitzer Supplement
What factors have led you to consider Pitzer? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Pitzer community, academically and personally? Feel free to draw on past experiences, and use concrete examples to support your perspective.


"You are such a fag! You are so gay!" These words echo as I enter the dorms at Cal Poly. Whether or not they are directed at me, ignorance and lack of respect injures me. Those words originated in hatred and I am struck by how relaxed and effortless it is for them to say these offensive words.

Every day, I enter my dorm confused and upset, put down my backpack, then lock the door. My thirst for knowledge is what keeps me in college and calculus and physics are all I look forward to. However, the crowded lecture halls allow students to comfortably use those words as well, so even attending class is discouraging.

At Pitzer, not only will small and interactive classes engage me, but I will also join those fighting for acceptance and change. I will contribute my passion to learn in an intimate environment and be eager to show off the quirky and philosophical nerd I am. My motivation and potential as a student and political activist will exponentially increase.

As the personal essay explains, I will never accept limits to my potential. I will always pursue paths in life that will feed me more power to positively change the world. As "You fag!" diffuses throughout my mind, I now refuse to lock myself in my room feeling disgusted. Rather, I will unite with Pitzer's student body and battle bigotry. Pitzer's political and academic environment excites me for intimate classes, originality, and social equality.
Randyhl   
Mar 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why? (500 Characters):

I had always been a math and science person who hated reading. Dave Eggers' "What is the What" opened my eyes to the world I had been missing. The book was like a dream; I left reality and entered the mind of a Sudanese refugee escaping genocide. The journey provoked powerful and lasting emotions that changed me. Not liking reading is something about myself I no longer accept. I am determined to improve and grow as a reader as I now open a book excited to flee my thoughts and enter another's.
Randyhl   
Mar 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

What subjects most interest you and why? (Note: This is not a commitment to major in this area.) (400 Characters):

Physics challenges me with an abundance of mysteries. As my classes delve deeper into atomic behavior, I am left with many intriguing questions. Using clues that past physicists left for me, and math I am eager to apply, I will graph electrons' erratic behavior and discover the pattern. The thrill of one day answering my questions and understanding material reality is the root of my success.
Randyhl   
Mar 6, 2010
Essays / Party time - dullest party in teenage history [9]

You should talk about a party where felt uncomfortable and knew you didnt wanna be around those people..

or you could talk about a metaphor about how a dull party lacks preparation and how to be a successful person, you always have to be prepared. or something like that
Randyhl   
Mar 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Grinnell - Sunlight is my salvation out of being discouraged Transfer Essay [4]

The Common Application Transfer Essay asks you to address 'your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.' Please either tailor this essay specifically to Grinnell, or else include an addendum that answers the following questions:

*Describes your academic and other involvements to date and explain how Grinnell would serve you better than your current school, or is the next logical step in your education.


I have always lived by the famous saying, "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain." I try to find more positive ways to look at negative situations to fill my life with more optimism and joy. Whether feeling insulted by the abundance of homophobia or uninspired by the lack of academic passion around me, I have turned to this quote on multiple occasions in the last couple of months.

Time after time, I end up feeling disconnected from my college community. In the beginning, I just told myself, "Dance in the rain Randy. Find your niche." I joined Hillel and the Jewish Fraternity, Alpha Epsilon Pi. Although these clubs gave me opportunities to meet people I could relate to, Hillel dinners are only twice a month, and Greek life revolves mostly around partying, casual sex, and beer drinking. Dancing in the rain became harder than I hoped and I was done getting wet in a storm that would never pass. It is time I feel inspired by my college environment and surrounded by peers as passionate about life as I am. When I found Grinnell, with its small classes, passionate professors, and liberal environment, I questioned whether dancing in Cal Poly's storm was enough to find happiness.

Grinnell's personal aspects illustrate sunlight. Its eclectic group of students with economic, religious, racial, and all around personality diversity encourages originality. I will feel comfortable and eager to show off the quirky, philosophical, and nerdy person I am without hiding behind insecurity and attempts to be "normal."

Grinnell's renowned professors teach the lectures, grade the papers and tests, and even invite students over for dinner, making a warm, encouraging environment in which I will feel comfortable asking questions. Professors who make themselves available to me, and who share my immutable passion for learning, not only make an intimate academic environment, but also greatly motivate me and give me someone to look up to. The core curriculum is minimal because Grinnell wants to challenge its students to steer in their own academic direction. I will have the freedom to create a major with the concentrations suited to my passions and goals.

Grinnell's wide array of intriguing classes will challenge my way of thinking, expand my mind, and feed my obsession to learn. In addition, Grinnell's variety of study abroad opportunities would allow me to pursue my fascination with other cultures by studying and traveling to parts of the world I have never been.

Now, as Cal Poly's storm continues, I rethink my options. Grinnell's unique and diverse academic and social environment opens a third path to choose from. The choices are not always as simple as watching it rain or dancing; sometimes when trapped in a storm that will never pass, escaping it to find sunlight is the only way to be happy. Grinnell's "weather" is one in which I will thrive, for it is the place my sun will shine.
Randyhl   
Feb 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "a better insight into life at BU" - any other ideas? [8]

I learnt that BU was the right fit for me.
learned I think is the correct grammar there, I could be wrong but learned definitely sounds clearer.

other than that, wow, I definitely liked the imagery and the feeling of amazement BU's presentation offered. Good luck!
Randyhl   
Feb 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / Do you like to eat at home or hotel? [6]

of eating different types of cuisine

As in my home, my parents taught me to eat whatever food is prepared at home. ButHowever, I like to eat my food in hotels as well as inat home. I prefer to eat food more at home when it is convenient.

Your errors are distracting from what you are trying to say. Speaking of which what are you trying to say? You like to eat food at home and hotels? Why not argue why you like to eat more at home. Or something like that.
Randyhl   
Feb 23, 2010
Essays / pros and cons of cars - developing my essay [11]

I am confused on what you are asking. It is alway better to state a strong opinion and support it with lots of evidence. If you are comparing and contrasting cars, take a side. "cars are more beneficial to the community than harmful." prove it. You know what I mean?
Randyhl   
Feb 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / Personal Story - The Child Hood [4]

Try not to start sentences with the word "and."

And began cutting class, absend school, dont like going to school anymore. And isolating himself to his room playing video gamess everyday and every night. He always waiting either outside of the park or cutting class at 11:00am to get this parent to go work so he can play online video games.

Day after day he keep s doing the same thing over and over and is very addicted to online gaming now.

Honestly, your errors are distracting, sorry buddy.
Randyhl   
Feb 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Oberlin Supplement: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... [6]

I have always lived by the famous saying, "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain." By finding more positive ways to look at negative situations, my life is filled with more optimism and contentment. Whether feeling insulted by the abundance of homophobia or distracted by being the only one studying on Thursday nights, I have resorted back to this quote several times in the last couple of months.

Time after time, I end up feeling disconnected from my college community. In the beginning, I just told myself, "dance in the rain Randy, find your niche," but I have grown restless dancing in a storm that seems to never pass. I need to feel inspired by my college environment and surrounded by kids as passionate about life as I am. When I found many colleges with small classes, passionate professors, and a liberal college environment, I challenged whether dancing in the storm is enough to be happy.

Oberlin's more personal aspects opened my eyes and verified that change was necessary. Oberlin offers a 4-1-4 system, designating a winter term for me to propose and carry out a project. I will leave the classroom to experience learning. Interning, traveling, and researching are just some of the endless possibilities that will lead to my discovery of which academic path and career is right for me. I will apply class material to a purpose and be even more encouraged to learn regardless of a grade.

Students are attracted to Oberlin for its academic opportunity rather that its rural location creating a vibrant community of students and professors who love intimacy and learning. On weekends, students rarely go home or leave college grounds making Oberlin's campus a consistently social and lively place to be. Having first hand experience in a fraternity at Cal Poly, Oberlin's lack of Greek life removes social competition and superiority from the community.

Oberlin's eclectic group of students with economic, religious, racial, and all around personality diversity encourages originality. I will feel comfortable and eager to show off the quirky, philosophical, and nerdy person I am without hiding behind insecurity and attempts to be "normal." I am excited by Oberlin's wide array of intriguing that will challenge my way of thinking, expand my mind, and feed my obsession to learn. In addition to its vast social and academic assortment, Oberlin has a variety of study abroad opportunities. My infatuation with other cultures and societal nuances will also be nourished by studying and traveling to parts of the world I have never been.

Now, as Cal Poly's storm continues, I will rethink my options. Oberlin's unique and diverse academic and social environment helped me to see dancing in the rain is not always the best way to live a fulfilling life. The choices are not always as simple as watching it rain or getting wet; sometimes when trapped in a storm that will never pass, escaping it to inquire the sun is the only way to be happy. Oberlin's environment is one in which I will thrive for it is the place my sun will come out.
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Writing Feedback / "never thought college was important at all" - Cause and Effect [4]

My parents had good business incomes even though they never received a college education degree.

When I was in high school my parents told me the effectsbenefits of going to college.

Attending college will help me make new friendships , learn new things, and help me with aprepare me for a better future.

Friendships are hard to make now a days . Friends are really important because they make part of my lifebecome parts of me. Attending schoocollegel will help me find new new friends. T

They will also be from other countries since colleges have different students from different parts of the world. The effect of this will help me learn from their cultures. It will also help me help me with my studies because the new people I meet will be in the classes that I will be taking.

Wow, very impressive for an English learner. However, you are not saying much. How do you know your friends will be from other countries? Why does that excite you?
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Oberlin offers what I need to be successful [3]

Oberlin Addendum
Please write a brief statement that addresses the following:
Given your interests, values, and goals, explain why Oberlin College will help you grow (as a student and a person) during your undergraduate years.


Any student can write about Oberlin's small classes, reputation of a remarkable education with amazing professors, and liberal and exciting college environment. However, it is more personal aspects about Oberlin that make it the right place for me.

Oberlin offers a 4-1-4 system, allowing me to experience an internship first hand as a part of my undergraduate requirements. Before I get my degree I will have interned at least 4 times helping me decide which career and academic path is right for me. By forcing me to apply class material to a job and a purpose, an internship also encourages students to learn regardless of a grade.

I have always had an infatuation with culture and societal nuances. With Oberlin's wide variety of study abroad opportunities I will be able to see parts of the world I have never been and study simultaneously continuing to stay on a four year graduation track.

Oberlin's rural location attracts students who care more about interacting and getting to know their professors and peers than fine dining or getting drunk at bars. On weekends, students do not go home or leave campus making Oberlin's campus a consistently social place to be. Greek life is nonexistent, removing social competition and superiority.

There is no question that between the academic opportunity and social environment, Oberlin is somewhere I will thrive and be happy.
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Vassar offers what I need to be successful [2]

Vassar Addeundum
The Common Application Transfer Essay asks you to address 'your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.' Please either tailor this essay specifically to Vassar, or else include an addendum that answers the following questions: *Describes your academic and other involvements to date and explain how Vassar would serve you better than your current school, or is the next logical step in your education.


My first attempt was the Jewish Fraternity, Alpha Epsilon Pi. Joining this fraternity helped me adjust to the college transition, and I met people I could relate with but Greek life, for the most part, revolves around partying, casual sex, and beer drinking; three things that hinder my soul search. I also became very active in Hillel and the Democrats Club - other opportunities to meet people like me.

Vassar's renowned and highly respected professors teach the lectures, grade the papers and test, and even invite students over for dinner. Professors who make themselves available to me and who share my immutable passion for learning, not only make a warm academic environment, but also greatly motivate me and give me someone to look up to. The core curriculum is insignificant because Vassar wants to challenge their students to steer in their own academic direction. I will have the freedom to create a major with the concentrations suited to my passions and goals.

Vassar's stereotypical open minded and progressive students lack materialism and conformity. Economic, religious, ethic and racial diversity on campus will encourage me to show off the quirky, philosophical, and nerdy person I am without hiding behind insecurity and attempts to "normal." Additionally, I will meet others who take of their "cool jackets" to show me what is underneath. My forced awkward, and insubstantial conversations with Media-followers will be minimized.

Vassar offers me opportunity enter an uninhibited, accepting, and open minded social community while simultaneously studying with top-notch professors. My unique and self-chosen major helps me easily become a well-rounded and sophisticated student. Vassar's enriching environment is one in which I will succeed.
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Writing Feedback / achieving happiness through relationships - IELTS ESSAY [6]

Human being is aare social animals.

SoTherefore, in this world, we cannot standbeindependentlonelyin this world and thisare relationshipsisare the source of our happiness to all . I fully agree to this statement.

Being a social animal, each individual depends on each other's to satisfy theirwhatever their needs may beneeds, whatever it may be.

Honestly, you're errors are distracting making me have no idea what you're essay is trying to essay because of how incorrect your grammar is. Maybe you have some good stuff in there, but for your own good you have to go through every sense and fix all of your mistakes.
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / About me, Pakistan summers [3]

a place where the normal temperature recorded around this time of year is 115 degrees Fahrenheit degrees.

All eyes could see were dirt fields, and dried grass and a big tree in the middle which served as shade for a classroom of fourteen year olds a2j.

Regartless Regardless of the unmerciful weather conditions and the waves of heat burning the epidermis, Arsalan had a shine shine is awkward, maybe a "twinkle"? in his eyes, a shine that was hard to explain, a shine that could only come from satisfaction of achievement.

Your ideas are good but your writing is awkward. GOOD luck!
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / I disliked pre-school; Tufts Supplement - Let your life speak [7]

Also, your unique writing style makes the essay a little boring. Each sentence is so short you really do not end up saying that much.

his trick worked exceptionally well. My parents pulled me out after a week's unpleasantness. Both of my parents worked long shifts. My father is a heart surgeon and my mother an engineer.

I liked it though. Good luck!
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Writing Feedback / Why Life Insurance important? - It has many benefits [6]

I didn't realized how important it is until my grandmother passed away late last year.

I feel like you can make your argument stronger still. Take away first sentence. Say your opinion strong and proud like you know what you're talking about.

It benefits anyone who is affected by a sudden death in the family.

Maybe rewrite to:

"when a sudden death in family occurs, life insurance supplies financial security." or something like that.

Good start thought, I agree with you for sure!
Randyhl   
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / a Counter-Strike club - Activities Essay [7]

Wow powerful last sentence.

I think you definitely have a lot going for this little essay given how unique your activity is. Like who talks about violent video games in a college essay? It is admirable.

However, I feel a sort of sick violent undertone to it that should probably be a little bit diminished.

Also take out any "I think"
I think it is great stress reliving game.

Take out any apostrophes, they weaken your argument.

They couldn't ignore images of two soldiers holding an AK-rifle and XM-shotgun.

Other wise good start and GREAT IDEA!
Randyhl   
Feb 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can be the person I dream of" - Common App. Macalester Supplement. [5]

What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally?

Feel free to draw on past experiences, and use concrete examples to support your perspective.


"You are such a fag! You are so gay!" are words echoing as I enter the dorms at Cal Poly. Whether they are directed at me or not, that ignorance and lack of respect injures my mind. Those words originated by hatred. I was struck by how relaxed and effortless it is for these kids to say such offensive words.

Everyday, I enter my dorm confused and upset, put down my backpack, then lock the door. My thirst for knowledge is the all that keeps me encouraged and enthusiastic to learn. Early on college life became looking forward to nothing but calculus, physics, and chemistry. Even though my professors at Cal Poly are riveting and exciting, the disorienting 150-person lecture halls and competition for their attention in office hours made even learning a struggle.

My social and academic environment at Cal Poly became uninspiring and intolerant and I challenge the idea that living in the cluttered, and intolerant real world is at all beneficial to me. At Macalester, I will have the opportunity to join those fighting for acceptance and change while simultaneously engaged by small and interactive classes. My motivation and potential as a student and political activist will exponentially increase.

As the main common application explains, I will never accept limits to my potential. I will always pursue paths in life that will feed me more power to positively change the world. As "You fag!" diffuses in my mind, I now refuse to lock my self in my room feeling disgusted. Rather, I will unite with the 1800 Macalesteronians and battle bigotry. Given Macalester's political and academic environment, I can expect a new life of social equality, happiness, and success.
Randyhl   
Feb 15, 2010
Undergraduate / professional admission to undergraduate business school, why I should be part of [4]

What makes you interested in business?

What drives your to be successful? Have you been successful? Have you been getting good grades? What deep inside of you tells you business is right for you?

What are your passions?

Show Arizona you! I know everyone repeatedly says that but it is the only way to succeed in writing college essays.
Randyhl   
Feb 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - SCAD (art and design interest) [4]

Everywhere we may look atour incredible visual photos competing for our attention, entertaining us, or trying to persuadeWhat do you mean by this?.

Viewers cannot turn on their television without being blindsided by the new adviertistments everyday. Visual artists create art to communicate thoughts, feelings, and ideas through painting, sculpting, or illustration. Having a career in Graphic Design is perfect for a creative individual as myself who has a sense of design.

You aren't really saying much here. Where is the low down on you? Who are you? "viewers cannot?"what about you, how has television and advertisements affected you and influenced your decision to go into graphic design?
Randyhl   
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "liberal arts education and a tight-knit community" - Reason For TRANSFERRING. [7]

Wow thank you so much for your time!

One question, when you say elaborate on why it is bleak. Don't you think it is explained in the first paragraph how I am surrounded by darkness in conformity and materialism? Or do you think it needs more. THanks for your ADVICE. MUCH APPRECIATED!
Randyhl   
Feb 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "liberal arts education and a tight-knit community" - Reason For TRANSFERRING. [7]

This is for the application to:

Vassar, Wesleyan, Carleton, Wash U, Macalester, Oberlin

Prompt:

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

As I find myself rapt in hollow thought, my mind travels on an infinitely increasing path, racing toward the universe's limits. I open my eyes. My physical self is surrounded by lost souls in overwhelming darkness, causing my trapped body and opened mind to diverge as separate units. My skin cells and DNA deteriorate in the conformity and materialism around me while my mind is in a foreign world. This is a world of opportunity and inspiration, and a world where stigmas, stereotypes, and limits do not exist: a world I call "Void."

Ignore "void's" negative, misleading connotations. Void is not empty and emotionless. Void is where I am the person I want to be, unfiltered by standards, rules, and ridicules. Void is freedom. However, the lack of happiness and motivation my physical self is surrounded in brings my voided mind negative energy, repelling my mind from my body. The repulsion turns me grey and the two parts of me cannot coexist. I become a lonely body misplaced in a cell, conforming and ignorant, like the other robots around me. I tediously and impatiently wait for my mind to take me with it and become one.

Fall quarter at the titanic and bleak university I thought I wanted, helped me appreciate how imperative it is that my physical and metaphysical self coexist. It is time to give my mind the positive energy it needs to take me with it. This coexisting self I speak of will no longer be hidden in crowds, or taught from a distance. I will be educated eye-to-eye. I will know the names of professors, and they will know mine. I will become enveloped by others with the same yearning for knowledge and wisdom as I. Most importantly, I will be part of a community of learners, teachers, and contagious smilers. For once, I will stand naked and proud, excited to show the world my true self.

I must show I am qualified to join such a community. My mind's hunger for understanding is analogous to its continuous, increasing path. Uncovering why and how our multi-dimensional, constantly changing world works the way it does, leads me in all kinds of tangential directions where I find myself at 4am Googling dark matter and Pythagorean theorem proofs. I love learning and expanding my realm of knowledge. Despite the rush of blood to my face when I am in congested, cavernous lecture halls, I raise my hand dying to ask one of many questions my dancing mind is wondering.

A liberal arts education and a tight-knit community with an intellectual and progressive academic environment will open my doors to Void. My selves will travel on an infinitely increasing path together soaking up knowledge and optimism along the way. No longer able to differentiate two separated units, I will share with the world the limitless, intelligent, and happy person I am.
Randyhl   
Feb 10, 2010
Research Papers / Should prostitution be legal? Thesis [3]

Okay..
I think you have a good start. Here are some immediate pointers.

Right off the back take out all the "many's" that you have scattered, "many" is a wasted word and doesn't contribute to your paper at all.

"The many risk factors that follow prostitution, for example HIV, are one of many problems associated with going against legalizing prostitution. However, many people"

Also, in terms of your paper. I thesis is an opinion. You stating a side and arguing for it with evidence. You did not do that at all. You have two choices:

1) Prostitution should be legalized because..
2) Prostitution should not be legalized because...

Both are equally fine.

Also. You need this paper to be objective no subjective, meaning no "I" statements whatsoever. You are merely stating facts and evidence. Take out

"I would like to further explore this topic throughout the course of the semester, and gain an enhanced insight involved on each opposing side's point of view towards the issue, while finding the relevant information needed to back up my ideas and theory for this particular topic. "

If that is not part of your thesis I apologize.

Try starting from scratch, stating an opinion, then sticking to it.
Randyhl   
Feb 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

Wow I got a lot of work to do..
Well thanks so much to take the time out of your life to evaluate my essays. GREATLY Appreciate.

By the way. They do see that I am applying as physics major. Also you say use specific quotes and all, but the questions are to get to know me right? Not some book.

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