Undergraduate /
"what do you want to do when you grow up?" - UC Prompt 1 [7]
Good afternoon :)
I have edited the first couple of paragraphs and also included some general comments in regards to your piece:
"As my old wooden door slowly opens on a Sunday evening, it is not the Pizza Hut delivery man with my stuffed crust pizza (with melted cheese baked into the crust) for
tonight's football game, but rather the dreaded family reunion that occurs once a year. Numerous family members and relatives come pouring through that old wooden door, frantically ready to brag about their sons or daughters latest accolade or their acceptance to the top prestigious universities.
As family members enter that door, they are ready to pinch
yourAvoid using "your" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead. soft
, delicate
, baby bottom cheeks, only releasing when there is some noticeable permanent damage. From the newly released fourth-generation iPod Nano to the Rolex Cellini Classic watch, relatives seemed to be equipped with the latest technology. About an hour in the reunion,
ParentsThis isn't a proper noun and shouldn't be capitalized. begin to brag about their son
' s or daughter
' s latest
achievement and relatives begin to criticize every single detail, as if
you were a disfigured cow in a meat processing plant. "How come you are so small?" and "How well do you do in school
?" are the typical questions that a child receives. As I
wasThis changes your tense; make sure you only use one tense throughout your piece. eating Banh Xeo
, a crispy flaky dish that is the Vietnamese version of
a crepe, my abnormally tall and
goofy uncle approach
es me
, asking a simple question, "So...what do you want to do when you grow up?"
Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "wouldn't" should be "would not."
...am a determined Vietnamese teenager
, who like most young Asian hopefuls,..."
A great example!
Regards,
Gloria
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