Posts by donrocks

donrocks

Oct 3, 2010

Undergraduate / "Know how to ask "why" and "how" rather than "what." - Why UChicago? [6]

I think it's unnecessary to cite things you've participated in if they're going to be listed on your application anyways

This point is partly correct and partly wrong. You have not written it well. It is going like... I did this and I did that....but it doesn't come in a flow.

Also, most places, you are appreciating UChicago which I don't want to know. I know that already and even better, instead of reading it here and I can read it on the website. But, there is no, you. Your character and everything. Your hopes from UChicago, goals and aspirations which how you should link it to the college answer the question, "Why UC.".

Hope this helps...

donrocks

Oct 3, 2010

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]

I would like to add to all those who are applying as undergraduates and need to submit an essay.

You must take care of focusing the essay on you in such a way that you do not boast, yet say all that should be said.

Also, take care that you are not straying away from the topic. Just to impress, the admission committee, we do try to write deep soulful lines which are childish and useless. We must talk about the experiences and basically our own thoughts which seem so real and believable. So, be yourself and not vague. There are many trying to be different and end up being same. :)

And, please research each college thoroughly from their research projects to their principles to their
student organizations. Show that you are desperate to be a part of the college.

Write about your background but do not drag it. We must remember that we are not writing a journal on the traditions, but just a line linked to you... which reflects your character.

These are some points that I have been seeing missing in many essays, so I posted this up. Hope it helps....

donrocks

Oct 3, 2010

Undergraduate / Rutgers: volunteering diversity [6]

I am impressed with the speed you have revamped the essay but.... it needs more work. Definitely, there is a lot of improvement. The thought is better and there is an effort in each line visible. You have worked hard over this, but take a day or so to rework always.

It should like it has come from heart and not by thinking and thinking.
PTS....
1)

I look at Rutgers as the melting pot of colleges

The part of essay before this very bad. But, from here the essay climbs up and nicely. This part is good and well- written. But, more work is needed on the above paras. Raksha Bandhan is falling misfit. Its been stretched too long. Keep it short or of two lines maximum.

Keep the limelight on how you are an Indian from heart and embraced American ways of living also. So, basically you are a product of 2 cultures. That would show you as a interesting person.

Please DO NOT OMIT YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOU. Robert hospital should be clearly mentioned.
Rutgers part is very good and nicely written.
Finally, the last para is not good at all. You need to end it better. Something more "wild". You must portray lots of spunky, wacky, hardworking and honest character which would round of things nicely.

Read some essays on the Forum and review them, so that you gain some writing practice and some good inspirational idea.
Do take my review as an incentive to work harder. This is better but still not up for admission. Hope this helps... :)

donrocks

Oct 3, 2010

Undergraduate / What I dont know - Being a student. [4]

Of all essays in essay forum on this question, they are no where near you. Cool! Very Cool!

I know my geography, my history, my psychology, and my calculus. I know my SAT, my ACT, and my Molecular Biology. But all this is nothing, because, surprisingly, in order for me to get in, I have to show them what I don't know.

Very sly! ;) Without saying.... I did this and I did that.... You have said all you wanted to. Very subtly and "clearly".

I am even able to think about laptops in the first place.

Very good.... another great line but but but... the shooting star was not so what can we say... sort of spoils the flow. Think something more wacky and I am sure you can think about it!

Otherwise, its a good essay. Hope this helps... :)

donrocks

Oct 3, 2010

Undergraduate / A beautiful campus, engineering and Co-op program - Why Northwestern College Essay [4]

If, you scroll through my posts, you would find many essays in which I found a common mistake. No research and personal touch! I am very glad that you come as a breath of fresh air.

Good Points:
1)Nice and clean language that appeals to all. Good!
2)Nice research and love for college is clearly visible. Length is not an issue unless, you have breached the word limit. If not, cool!

Pts. needed to worked on:
1)

. I had a taste of working in a professional environment

This needs a new para. The point is that this is one very crucial factor associated to you and we don't want it to be blurred.

2) Conclusion came.... very jerkily. Try to link it up with some part of the essay to have a smooth flow throughout the essay.
3) Work on the commas and exclamation. Also work on a opening line linked to you and your character.... preferrably something that would bring a smile on their face. Something maybe about how you are drooling for the college.( :) Don't write drool, lol)

Its a decent essay but just seems to be a bore in places. A few light lines and all will be well. Don't cut out words because that would break the flow.

donrocks

Oct 3, 2010

Undergraduate / The Courageous Keys - Princeton Supplement [3]

Nice... but still needs to go a long way. Somewhere, its courage that is missing from your essay. You are not telling the complete story of that day.

1)The experience is unexplained. Please tell us, whether you had butterflies in your tummy or something? Was there some thought or memory that you need to share.

But, to my surprise, the pianist who classified themselves into the intermediate weren't as spectacular as the beginner.

I think this part is quite irrelevant. I want to know about you.... more of you and your character. It needs to be done without boasting. Also, you are applying to Princeton that takes exactly 8% of students who apply. Somewhere, this essay is very common. I mean, I can put my name and this essay would remain the same. What would set it apart from others is.... you, your feelings and your courage that made impossible possible.

Post up the second draft with those corrections. OK. Then, we can work on the grammar and all that stuff. Cheers and hope this helps.... :)

PS: If, there is word constrain then, forget it! First put whatever you want to in this essay because that would give it a flow. A nice smooth story flow! Editing is very easy, so just let go of all inhibitions and type the story. ;)

donrocks

Oct 2, 2010

Undergraduate / Rutgers: volunteering diversity [6]

Priyanka, this essay requires a lot of corrections and is, I'm afraid, very weak.
1. Intro: I think the intro was very lame and something that didn't explain anything.
2.

At nine years old, I didn't realize the greatness in the opportunity of coming to the USA.

Please explain. This is very vague and somewhat shows, that leaving India was great. By the way, Indians are doing great all over.... so you need to say, how? How has coming to US helped?

3.

The steps I took to reach where I am included different people, events, and little special moments.

Once again, very vague. What was the experience. See, the parts that would reveal the character within you have have been omitted by you. There is no outline, which I can draw from this sentence. Z can write this line, X can write it, Y can write.... does that mean all of them are different? You have to write how!

4.

when I had gotten into my first accident within a week of getting my license, I like many was still in shock and gained a fear of driving in the future.

The grammar is incorrect here. When I had my first accident, within the very first week of getting my license, I was in a shocked, to say the least. I feared driving... so on.

Personal note, I had an accident within the first week to. Yet, I think there are better things to say to admission committee than negative. The shade of character, you show is negative. I mean, it maybe important to you but this admission essay and its a competition. So, reflect your weakness with tact and don't bring them in the limelight.

Also, let's see some research on college. What major you intent to take and how does that make you a different person. Your goals and everything can be mentioned. Then drop a line in the end saying, I wish to be a part of XYZ research in Rutgers which will.... so on. This shows, you took pains to read their site and are truly passionate about this college.

Hope this helps and Best of Luck. :)

donrocks

Oct 2, 2010

Undergraduate / School that challenges me + Soccer motto: UCF Admissions Essays [3]

Its a constant problem with threads in Essay Forum that people hide themselves. I have never understood that even after knowing that admission committee wants to know you as a person in the topic, everyone pretends to be something other than what they are. Who are you? What are your beliefs and values? What are your strengths? Are you witty or serious? What are your weakness that you acknowledge? None of which is answered clearly. People manage to do so, even in word constrain.

This essay reflects the same problem. I am not getting to know you as a person at all. You should be writing that you are pursuing XYZ major. I want to be a part of XYZ research. This shows you took pains to read their site and that shows you really love their site. Just words... well, a school kid writes like that. You are now, moving into college and should reflect mature writing in your essay.

Your first part is kind of generic. If you don't know what I mean, try and replace another college name into your essay and it still makes perfect sense.

Its a great review... and an excellent point.
Also,
Grammar is a also an issue. The first three lines are lame and grammatical incorrect.

Eight months until graduation, and my sisters old room is full of items that I have bought for college. I have everything from my comforter to kitchen ware all of my friends think I am insane for having all this already, but I am just excited and eager to go.

Instead of "until" write "from", "sister's","for MY college".
"I have BOUGHT".... After, Kitchen ware sentence needs to change.
"Having done all this".... these are the correction but personal suggestion, to change all this.
Why did fall in love should be answered? Don't just write it, prove it!
SECOND ESSAY...

it is

WHICH is...

from doing so many different activities I have learned so much.

This is wrong grammatically. Also, I don't think much of this thought. Maybe mention, your work better.
What job??? Employment is such a table spinner. If you are working its a great bonus and you have blurred the most important line here. Think about it and then re-draft the essay.

Hope this helps and keep working... Tell the essay something about you. :)

donrocks

Oct 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "Kevin's selfless act" - A person who has had a significant influence on me [6]

But people are animals, selfish by nature, what was I to do?

A very poor line. It shows you have no respect for animals. Animals never kill without reason and always respect others territory. Just because they cannot speak...they become selfish...???

Otherwise, the essay is very good and systematic. There is a personal touch which gives it a nice touch. Just that one line shows you are insensitive towards other creatures so edit it.

donrocks

Oct 1, 2010

Undergraduate / Runnins, values, experiences and goals - Samford Essay Corrections/ Recommendations? [3]

There are a lot mistakes as suggested by Jaron but, the content seems to very weak and boring. It feels like a laundry list of things which provide no meaning what so ever.

You show no research on the school in your essay. You show no key interests in any particular student organization or on going researches which interests you. You have not mentioned your major and how this college would give you an ideal platform for widening your horizon.

I suggest that, you rework it completely and write more knowledgeably this time. Hope this helps :)

donrocks

Oct 1, 2010

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]

Your welcome. I just basically wanted to convey my affection for this site which has taught what no one else has. Cheers... :)

donrocks

Oct 1, 2010

Undergraduate / An inscription to help a person I may be sharing an abode with know me better [3]

Yayz, I don't understand the theme of your essay. AT ALL. It leaves me toatally confused on what are you trying to say.
In 1799 characters, you talk about
1)Rains
2) Debate on Philosophy.
3) Rock and scissors.... to eat last muffin. (I doubt if any will 17-20 year old resort " this rock and scissor" method!?)
4) Your class and problem given to you.
5) Love for chemistry...
This is too much stuffed here which ruines the main idea you wish to reflect from the essay. It gets blurred with superfluous sentences and thoughts.

I think you should re work the essay which shows you as a person.... so that if I am your future roommate, then I can judge you. Read this essay, as a future roommate and I think you will understand what I am saying.

donrocks

Oct 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "my suburban town" - a life lesson learned that you can bring to the villanova campus [3]

You took nearly 40 words to reach the first "i".
The topic is MY sub... and the I takes too long to come. Also I would say that the introduction is very... you know unrealistic. Something that is not coming from heart. Its just good phrases and things... frankly, every suburban town is "green with lots of flowers". Is that the only special thing, you would like to mention????

The nanny part also is a misfit in the essay. Its not giving the nostalgic touch and warm feeling, if that was the attempt.

As seasons changed and birthdays passed, I became very enthralled in my own life.

Not required. Instead, what happens is.... life is very busy now. We forget to value many small yet important details of my life, which we take for granted. Take this idea and expand it in your own words. You see, until we lose something we take our hometown and family quite lightly which is what you should mention.

Another point, do you think you should mention this?? Instead....
I think you should mention the rich heritage and culture of your town.
What fascinates you about this town??
How is it diverse and colorful??
Stuff like that, shows you are rooted to your town and are talking knowledgeably and lovingly. Do not try to impress them with this...

A haze of periwinkles, salmons, and forest greens swirled together in a garden of blossomed flowers. Hanging from the ramshackle door of a dilapidated, old house, a birdfeeder overflowed with nourishing grains and appetizing seeds. So out of place in my modern suburban town where newly built brick houses conquered the land, this hut might as well have been accompanied by fairies and dragons and princesses.

You should tell your essay something about the town.
Hope this helps.... :)

donrocks

Oct 1, 2010

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]

My one month in Essay Forum.

All strangers.... I guess, this was an experience that has not only helped me for colleges but also changed me as a person. People say, life has become busy and everyone is caught in a rat race. Look around? I think this forum defeats that notion.

I don't know anybody and nobody knows me. There may be somebody applying to same place yet, there is no sense of competition, at least inside the forum! We review essay with honesty and goodwill. Its great!

To be honest, I believe it was my good fortune... that I stumbled on to essay forum and became a part of it. After that, I did not need to go begging to people to review my essay. I was in critical stage with deadlines approaching and essays in a mess. Thanks to you all,I not only have got good... no great essays ready, I have learnt a new skill. Critiquing! I never knew I had it in me! I have thoroughly enjoyed myself when, I was reviewing an essay.

Mark, I believe is the most distinguished reviewer among us. Its quite different to write a critique and another to take the whole thing and make those minute grammar corrections. I am not so good in grammar correction but I judge the content. I try to give my best comments which turn out a little harsh at times. I do not know whether the critique are good or bad, I think different eyes giving different perspective to the writer that is important. I hope I am good and get better one day. Maybe even a contributor!

Kevin I think is the most diplomatic person on this forum. Never has he really slashed an essay howsoever atrocious it is. I wonder if anyone can break that score of staggering 9 and half thousand, ever!

I think thunder_two, linmark, ershad193 and many others are great and unique in their aspects.
I have been a member in Essay Forum for last 28 days and this is my 81st post. Beneath, all my Oct 1 deadlines and stress, nothing could waver the addiction I have for this site. One would say that after all the essay writing one would be bored with it. But for me, its been a great stress buster for me during tough times. I wish to thank this Forum once again and all its members for making it what it is. Enough said, let's get on with the game....

donrocks

Sep 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "focus on communication and the arts" - Emerson College Supplement Essay [7]

Emily, this essay will not work and is very weak.
WHAT INFLUENCED YOU? You have 200 words to show YOURSELF AND BE DIFFERENT. This is not answering anything.

When I seven....
When I was ten....
I did this... and that... ???? Will it work for college essay?
I am sorry, I am a little harsh but I think you should read a lot of essays.... best place to start is here in essay forum. Read lots of essays and get the writing pattern set in your brains. It will take time and will require hard work then I think you should be able produce great essays.

Unfortunately, this lasted only until the day I accompanied my dog on a doctor's visit, where I watched the veterinarian shove her finger in a place where fingers are not meant to go

I didn't want to be an interior designer; I just wanted a nice house. And I never really wanted to be a veterinarian; I just loved my dog.

Is that it??? Is this the most life- changing experience which you want to say infront of admission office?
Be more soulful.... reflect upon your life.... rake up issues of your life and then write without inhibitions. Tell the essay something about yourself.
Hope this helps.... :)

donrocks

Sep 30, 2010

Writing Feedback / TOURIST DESTINATION: Tourism has negative effect on certain destinations. [4]

Hello Walter! This essay was not good, according to me. To start with there are many mistakes(grammatical) which are hard to overlook and ruin the effect of the essay. The mistakes from the "gem" essay have been repeated which is disappointing.

disrespect of visitors

Disrespect "by" visitors

stubborn tourists can go way overboard for its curiosity and negligence.

its?? I think that is wrong. Also, find a better word than negligence, its not going.
There are a few more errors however, I think you are repeating yourself again and again without much substance.
You should start with beach first as it gives a positive start to the essay. Otherwise, its 8 lines of negative lines which is a put off.

You are a good writer and you need to unleash your potential within you.
Cheers.... :)
I hope you don't take it personally. Its my opinion which maybe totally wrong. End of it, its your essay and should gel with you.

donrocks

Sep 29, 2010

Scholarship / Confused on separating two topics in scholarship essay (career goals v achieve goals) [3]

Let's suppose...
You want to do research or you want yo be a scientist. In Chemistry.
FIRST ONE:
My career goal is... this
It all started when....( this is very imp. You have to link this subject to you. Why do you like it? When did this start?)

I have done this.... (all extra activities related to it such as journals etc.)
Something about now, why you do want to do it.
Later in life, what do you anticipate from this career... and then wrap it up by saying this is my dreams and only those who dream and live it.

SECOND ONE:
Chemical engg...would open my horizon
YOUR UNIVERSITY HAS ALWAYS SUPPORTED RESEARCH...YOUR RECENT RESEARCH ON THIS THIS IS SOMETHING I WANT TO BE A PART OF.... this course would give me a platform to pursue my career in these ways...

You need to talk here how this course would
1) boost your career.
2) Give you more opportunity as a person.... standing above others.

donrocks

Sep 29, 2010

Undergraduate / Dear Jack (Common Application Essay A) [4]

I am also applying there and many places. I find the third one extremely tough. ( the optional essay).
Some essay turn out easily and others take time. Just hang in there which is what my mom says to me. Well, see you in Texas. Haha. Post your second draft soon and thanks for reviewing my essay. Cheers.

donrocks

Sep 29, 2010

Undergraduate / Dear Jack (Common Application Essay A) [4]

I always look forward for your essays as they are fresh and very "different".
First Para:
1) I really liked your theme. This is not conventional parent and or some famous personality thing which makes it an interesting read. Yet your beginning is not intriguing like the Katrina essay. Some memory or your thoughts on him would be a better start than his description. Not much. Just a line or son and then copy paste what you have written..

Second Para:

For years, I had worried and taken into account of what people thought about me and what I did.

Great! So true. Yes, we are swayed by others.
But the next line..."I snapped..." A little abrupt. As for me, I have still trouble in admitting my love for animals because of fear of being tagged as a sissy. So, we do things without letting others know. That would be more powerful, I think.

He is just an average person, and so am I.

Awesome line. You have connected the two things.

I am so shocked that he did not let this get to him

Shocked??? I think that would not be the word. We usually blank out you know, feel numb and "wonder"... Maybe that would be more effective.

I appreciate everything I have: my family, health, and home. His battle with cancer has taught me to not expect everything to last forever. I cherish every second I have on this earth and the interactions I have with others, both good and bad.

It has made me realize that family, health and home are things we take for granted in our life. I realized it could happen to anyone... my parents, my relatives or even me. I have realized my priorities in life need to be worked on.... so on, I think would be better.

Only a select few people can actually say they are, miraculously, cancer survivors. I figure if he can be so strong as to overcome his encounter with cancer, then I can do anything I set my mind to. This is my life, and I cannot let anything else control it except for me.
After seeing Andrew McMahon and all that he has gone through, there is nothing I can expect to happen

I think this needs more soulful lines. Something about how his story made you... more hopeful and wanting make the most of every second in your life. You can work it out...

Hope this helps... :)
PS: Are you applying Texas Austin? All your topics are same. So wanted to know.

donrocks

Sep 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Child Abuse - UTexas Essay B: An issue of importance. [3]

Chelsea, there are many problems in the essay and first one is, YOU.
1) Where are you in this essay?
One can imagine admission committee raising an eyebrow over this and saying, " so, what's new?"
2) You are applying to colleges now and need to be more stronger than a school essay.
The personal touch is very important. Why? Because, I can find such essays on net but only personal touch links the essay to you, and sets you apart from others who just look for " hot " topic.

3) Where is your voluntary work? Are you a part of campaign for spreading awareness? Tell the essay something about you.
I think, I little of soul searching and some effort... you can produce a great essay. You have a nice and simple language touch which is good but not enough for admission.

Hope this helps. :)

donrocks

Sep 27, 2010

Writing Feedback / TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred [5]

Walter, you have one misconception here. You are not unpolished but a shining star of essay forum I regret that you do not critique as much as you should. You would be made the contributor.

I have critiqued one of essay, the forced divorce one where there were flaws. Here also, I think there are a few.

1)

Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion

Gems and spontaneous combustion don't go together. Pressure? We polish it and keep polishing to bring out its true beauty or sparkle.
2)

The journey to such nirvana is but easy

is ANYTHING but easy.
3)

challenging destination is about to befall

Incomplete sentence. I am not getting what you are trying to say.
I think there is some more mistakes... but most of all, I think we need some simplicity. There is a nice quality of simplicity that your main idea does get blurred in the verbose words all around.

I still think its a good but 'can be great' essay.
Hope this helps.

donrocks

Sep 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Not artistic or creative" - Vires, Artes, Mores [3]

Hey Alexis, I think there are a few mistakes which need serious reworking.
1) Frankly, I don't get to know you as a person. The admission office also looks for that. They do not want just a laundry list of your achievements but would like more of you.

2)

and I were all uneasy of our very first trial.

I WAS not were.
3)

I have spoken at numerous Barr Association meeting in our local city, I have spoken twice at the Board of Education meetings in our county, I have spoken at the Chamber of Commerce meetings, I have spoken at The Polk County Business Leaders Board and at Education Summits.

We need to write more than speaking. See, I can understand that you want to say, what all you have done. But you need to personalize it more. Its not enough to just say this and also English is not good. I HAVE SPOKEN TO.... 4 TIMES you have mentioned same thing.

4)You need to illustrate the first sentence.
5) Your main idea, the public speaking doesn't come till more than half way.
Finally, I think if you could mention more about the experience and you.... any one place where you spoke which close to your heart and let the "writing" speak.

Hope this helps... :)

donrocks

Sep 26, 2010

Undergraduate / ADDITIONAL DETAIL ABOUT YOU FOR ADMISSION COMMITTEE to write my recommendation) [3]

Hey guys.... one more up the sleeve. Deadline approaching. 1 oct. please help. Thanks
If necessary, use this space to provide additional detail about your background or academic criteria -- information the Admissions Committee may find helpful during the review of your application.

This is it! The big moment when I am given a chance to write my recommendation. Of course, I would love to say I am smart, cool but I guess that is something I have to reflect through my essay. I discussed this essay with my younger brother about my exceptional qualities that would rock the admission office; apart from him falling off the chair laughing... the comments were discouraging.

My personality and character have been deeply influenced by my home town, my school and my family. Jodhpur, a hot and dusty city situated near India's western frontier, is very unique in its diversity. Apart from rich heritage and culture, there are many traditions and old religions which gives Jodhpur a quaint old world charm. I come from a city which is steeped in colour and magnificent monuments; an oasis in the desert also called the blue city.

My family is an important aspect of my life. My thoughts, my character and even my career choices have been inspired by my family. My father, though extremely strict has been a great source of inspiration. I also want to be a professor like my father who is passionate about teaching and research. My mom is my confidant and best friend. She is the one who encouraged me and gave me confidence to chase my dreams. The last but not the least is the twin power... my brother and my dog. My brother, I am afraid has been my punching bag for so many years that it's a miracle he has still stuck with me. His attempts to copy me were secretly pleasing, even though I would act annoyed. He is a eternal optimist where as I am take things more to heart. I don't let him that even I am copying him. When I asked for a dog, I wanted to have a companion and a friend; I got a baby- A Pug. A brat at heart and pampered like a prince, he lords over us. I became a proud father at the age of 13 and six years later, my baby is... well, still a baby!

My faith, Jainism is an ancient non theistic religion which is practiced by only 4 million people in world. Though, I am not deeply religious, I connect with Jainism through its ideals and teachings. It has taught me to be more compassionate and caring towards other living beings. I am a vegetarian. I am also an animal lover and have been volunteering at animal shelters. For me, caring for environment and animals is also a religion. I am looking forward, to discuss my beliefs and values with students from different nationalities and also learning more from them.

Academically, I have always had good grades especially in maths all through my secondary school. In my high school, I took advanced maths because I felt I could cope with it. I had problems in certain topics and unfortunately, could not get adequate help. In hindsight, I realise that in my secondary school, my professor would help us help us personally by patiently clearing up all our difficulties. In grade 12, my maths mark was dismal and I was depressed. Therefore, I took a year off after grade 12 because I wanted to pursue my other interests and improve my academic weaknesses before I went to college. Today I believe my decision has paid off and I am confident that I will do more than just take up valuable space and will be able to participate and contribute in the class as always.

My school life was mostly uneventful. It was just a chapter in my life- like many others. I walked in the corridors of school invisible to others. I used to wish often that I could be a part of the limelight but never knew how to do so. I guess, when I become grandfather, I will not have many nostalgic stories about my school life to tell my grandchildren! I regret that, and it has made me more determined to go to an excellent institute to study where along with academics, I can enjoy my campus life.

The turning point in my life was attending extracurricular camps. When I was fourteen years old, I went for river rafting camp to a remote place in Himalayas called Tons. It was like exploring a new exciting world and five years on my love affair with adv. Sports contd. I went for outdoor survival where I learnt trekking, search and rescue and roasting potatoes. They were the awesome potatoes I have ever had.

The camps that I attended prompted and widened my environmentally awareness. I feel the most pressing problem today is dealing with enormous amounts of wastes we generate. On a micro level, we need to start doing so in our homes. On macro level, we need find ways better ways to deal with industrial, nuclear and toxic wastes ,to mention a few. It is also the compelling reason why I wish to come to Purdue.

Purdue has a long tradition of encouraging research and will be an ideal platform to exchange ideas with the diverse community in college. I have heard so much about the vibrancy of the campus life at Purdue from my friend, who is studying there that I feel will fulfil my dreams. I have dreams and only those who dream can live them. I wish to fulfill my dream of coming there and then continue to dream some more....

donrocks

Sep 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Tutoring + "Mother Nature", extracurricular activities and importance of an issue [10]

Murtaza. The first one is decent but not excellent. Tutoring, is not something very common in USA and all. It is my suggestion to write something different. However, this lacks meat.

1)What do you teach? You can't possibly teach all subjects....Be specific.
2)

I usually contact my friends, who need academic help, and we gather at someone's house or mine and I first try to know the weakness or difficulty the student is facing.

Very long. 2 ' and' in one sentence. My friends and I gather at one spot and start discussing. I start by discussing their weakness and then move on.

So, this is the first one.
The second one needs a lot of work in terms of content. You need to write about yourself and more about what you are going to do and how does this effect you. Be specific.

donrocks

Sep 26, 2010

Undergraduate / My UC application essay about growing up in an international environment [4]

Hello. So let me start with the first essay.
FIRST ESSAY:
1) Some how it has left me unsatisfied. Your intro was good but I want to know more about your city, your culture, your beliefs, your career interests, and basically I want to learn more about you. The admission office also wants to know you, as a person.

2) What is the word limit? I would like you add that and some extra activities you undertook activities, you have done. Volunteer work and all that. That is a important aspect.

SECOND ESSAY:
1) There are many essays that are quite something that you remember always. I would suggest to add some humor also so that essay is not a monolog. A small line that may invite a smile and something that makes you feel good on reading.

This insight has kept me suspicious and unsatisfied towards what meets the eye

"This meant that getting through to people couldn't be done simply by summing someone up, I had to dig deeper and listen to what people really were saying about themselves, not just what they were saying literally or presenting visually."

Though English here is a little wrong but a wonderful thought. Expand it. Say, how you view world in grey, not in black and white. There are no perfectly bad and good people, in general and this is something that has helped me adapt well in society well.

You have got a very radical outlook. :) Would love to meet you and discuss various issues.
Last thing.
Look at your second last and last para. There are many phrases being repeated. Just add a different thought.

Your second essay is certainly impressive. I agree a little personal touch is req. but its a good essay. First one, is not bad but doesn't catch my eye.

Rework and post it up again. Would love to see you write more. You may consider critiquing essays here to improve your writing skills. Cheers :)

donrocks

Sep 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Missy's Run (Common Application C) - Any recommended changes greatly appreciated :) [8]

Melissa. WOW. You have a good story on hand and really good writing sense. But this is not as good as Katrina.

Reason1: That essay, you wrote on how Katrina affect you, your work, your feelings and there was so much you with Katrina that made the essay unique. This is less of you. Can't make more of your character apart from hard working and focused and all that. Katrina, we saw all sides to you...the weak and strong. As, Wan suggests you need to add another para... I agree with the idea but let's make it different. Throughout the essay, throw some sentences that would add the flavor and link the essay to you. Try that it doesn't get just a monotonous race.

Reason2: Your statement to Tessi after the race was not bad but something that's nagging me. It just seems a little negative in a way, I find difficult to explain. You are not negative but something is wrong with that sentence.... Try tweaking it.

I think you have it in you bring something extra ordinary. You did it once with Katrina and you can do it again. Bring in the sweat, toil, dirt, injuries or anything to make it spicy and inspiring essay.

Cheers... :)
ps: please, if time review my essay also. thanks

donrocks

Sep 25, 2010

Undergraduate / USC TRANSFER- CINEMA- experienced faculty, dedicated students, and an inspiring city [6]

Well done Ali. Really pulled your essay to another level. Its now sounding very nice and mature.
1.

Saddam Hussein's prisons.

Aside from Saddam's evil

NO. A BIG NO. DO NOT MAKE ANY POLITICAL STATEMENTS. This is unnecessary and useless info that may irk someone.
2.

whomever

Whoever is the word. However, I would say, don't write it. Just say, said goodbye to all our neighbors and relatives who wished us luck for the future.

See, understand this that no country is perfect and each needs to improve.
3. Ali, let's see a little of your lighter side. Apple point was great but the tone is very serious. Maybe in our movies para, you can write about shooting comedic short a little more. You can show some statements that makes the reader feel nice and warm. Something, that would bring a.... something film makers keep saying.... happy endings. ;)

Good work Ali.
Also, I may suggest you to start critiquing more.
1. You will learn to write better as you correct others mistakes.
2. Others will be helped a lot by a good writer like you.
See you in essay arena.
PS: Start with my essay. Ha ha. :)

donrocks

Sep 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "to get good grades" - Personal statement on academic performance [5]

250 and not 249.
You must add "to" after forced.
Hey, good job Melinda. :)

donrocks

Sep 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "n experience that will alter my life and future" HOW PURDUE HELP YOU ACHIEVE GOALS? [8]

This is the correction work. Will be sending it on this 26th, so if any more changes please let me know. Thanks

I've heard that the weather is the most common topic of discussion. Unfortunately, it hasn't been my experience. It seems the only thing people in my life-parents, visitors, teachers, neighbours, and even my kid brother-want to talk about are my plans for the future.

Until recently, I didn't have a clue. And even if I had thought about it, Chemistry would have been as far from my mind as Inner Mongolia is to everyone who's not from Inner Mongolia.

Up until 7th grade, I hated Chemistry and my terrible grades were proof of the depth of my feelings. A friend had a cheesy suggestion-why didn't I pretend I was a professor of Chemistry and teach it to myself? I tried it and I must say I enjoyed the power of being a pretend professor. My mirror thought I was a chemistry professor, and slowly, so did my report card. Isomerism and bonding started to sound less alien. One day I realized I was voluntarily reading books that were outside of my course curriculum.

The recent name change of University Administration to Office Of Professional Practice which aims to teach practical education with traditional teaching makes it very different from other universities. The Teacher Recruitment day is Purdue's greatest attraction for students like me who dream to teach in the future. I like the idea of passing the torch of nerdiness to the next generation. And hopefully, turning a few chemistry haters into chemistry majors.

Purdue has a diverse and inclusive student community where students of different nationalities interact with each other. I believe that everyone who is admitted has something to contribute to diversity. As for me, I like to think I am a geek with no disabilities on physical note and mentally I am quite sound apart from the tendency to be sarcastic. I just imagine myself, sitting here, enthusiastically being involved in the campus organisations and activities. Let's just say, I can't wait

I have encountered challenges before but, the only difference now will be that I will be far from the safety bubble of my home. This experience would certainly test my potential and character. I remember the time I went hesitatingly to a river rafting camp. I was poor in conventional sports and my "good" friends never let that be forgotten! But honestly, I surprised myself with my exploits at the camp. Stepping out into the "wild" was the key to get the best out of me... I not only continued with river rafting but also took to body surfing-my favourite. Adventure sports became a passion for me and very soon I did an outdoor survival camp, paragliding and Para-sailing.

Ever since I did river rafting, I wanted to go for kayaking. It is one of my personal goals that remain unfulfilled, apart from studying in a prestigious University like Purdue. If I get admission, then I will certainly join the Purdue Outdoor club and participate in kayaking activity.

After graduation, I took a year off to do different things before going to college. I was fortunate to get in touch with Dr. Dhariwal, a professor in the civil engineering department of Jai Narayan University. I was even more fortunate to be allowed to assist him in his research projects. The topics I worked with him on were Building Material and their Pollution and Incorporation of Waste Matrixes into Building Materials in the Context of Regulatory Framework. These were printed in the Asian Journal of Chemical and Environmental Research. Not only did I learn what went into writing a journal, I gained insight into Chemistry and its interaction with the environment.

Writing Journals and preparing them has made me passionate about researching in chemistry and environment. The recent Purdue chemical engineering department research on process to store and generate hydrogen to run car's cell is fascinating. I am very keen on being a part of such research projects in the future. Purdue provides the base for research by providing great intern facilities also.

Along with my research, I started working in Ajit textiles, Jodhpur which is a textile printing unit. I work as an intern under textile designers and have learnt that fashion is more than slashing my jeans! All in all, college will also be another exciting challenge for me for which I am ready.

I've never been to America, much less Indiana. I've never been to college. I've never actually had friends from different nationalities. I have no idea what will result of mixing all these factors, but I'm excited to find out. I know it will be an experience that will alter my life and future in ways I can't yet comprehend. Uncertainty leaves room for growth, change, and learning. That's scary, and yet, I can't wait to get moving.

donrocks

Sep 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "Experiments on live animals" CHOOSE AN ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE TO YOU. TEXAS ESSAY. [6]

I would like to know if any final revisions because I'll be sending it by tomorrow. Thanks

donrocks

Sep 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "to get good grades" - Personal statement on academic performance [5]

I remember when I was writing my first 250 limit essay. I went and hit 376 words. It took three weeks to snip and then get the final draft. I spent half an hour on your essay and made these corrections or one should say editing. Hope this helps because I pulled it down to 275. 100 words less. :)

Throughout my years in school, I've stressed myself to get good grades under every circumstances but I couldn't memorize . I had a poor memory in remembering what I've learned and usually muddled up , forced look back at the previous notes.

My weakest subject might've been history because I forgot dates of historical events and the sequence of events. I looked at my world history teacher's list of recommendation for AP World History, my name was nowhere to be found. I expected that because I was an average student . Something made me want to give it a try, so I asked the teacher, and there I was, in AP World History. The course was interesting but soon enough, that no matter how hard I studied, dates and sequence just wouldn't enter my mind. Not surprisingly , I failed the exam with a 2.

It was devastating at first, but I knew I shouldn't let that one grade bring me down. So I took another chance by taking AP Biology. I developed a passion for Biology because of my teacher. His explanation was great and preparing materials which helped me improve my memory. I wasn't the best student in the class and felt way below because everyone scored so high in his class exams while I scored average . The feeling of hopelessness struck me again but I pushed myself to study, to memorize, to rewrite and reread notes to prove a point . My expectations weren't high but this exam unlike history , I felt more confident and hopeful.

My hardwork paid off when scores came in the mail in July. Without hesitation, I opened it, and I saw a 4.

donrocks

Sep 24, 2010

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]

I think Mark is right also. As I said doctor's career is tough and should not be done for the sake of taking up an opportunity that has come your way. By stepping down from decision in conclusion would support the tone you have set. However, if your going for this branch then, work on the tone because I think you must not give the impression that you are weak and not up to handling this career to admission office. Let's not take any chance to face rejection because one may get that feel.

Looking forward for your next post.

donrocks

Sep 23, 2010

Writing Feedback / FAILED MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE; What are the causes of such separation? [5]

Post up the second draft soon.

donrocks

Sep 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "What don't you know?" seahorses [6]

WHOA!!!! THIS WAS AN OUT OF EARTH EXPERIENCE. This was a essay, I was going to avoid to critique because words failed me.
I'll be honest.... It was a wacky essay which was good in beginning and then it tumbled.
1) SEAHORSE?????? OF ALL CREATURES AND QUESTIONS!!!!!! I laughed aloud at that and enjoyed that part.
2)

The only way that I could ever figure out what I don't know is by asserting what I know from what I don't know first.

HA HA. Good one.
Until now, your essay is a roller coaster ride. However, now from seahorses to granny? This was abrupt and and... it just doesn't go. There is no flow and no connection.

Let's get this straight. You have a nice sense of humor. Avoid writing on your Granny and write on Seahorses and make this a mad and WELL WRITTEN ESSAY. Something that would make all admission officers crack up and desperate to include you in their campus community.

I will never know what it will be like to be a little seahorse father pregnant with my hundreds of babies.

I'll never forget this. Beautiful

donrocks

Sep 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Experiments on live animals" CHOOSE AN ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE TO YOU. TEXAS ESSAY. [6]

OK. Agreed one should mention community service and all that, however in this essay when I am talking about "Animal Testing"; frankly cannot have any community service on that. In the diversity essay, yes I do mention. Yet here, I don't know. Would helping out strays fit in here.

Would be great, if those who are about to review the essay say, whether I should or I shouldn't. Thanks.

donrocks

Sep 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Experiments on live animals" CHOOSE AN ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE TO YOU. TEXAS ESSAY. [6]

Hello everyone! This is my Texas essay for second question.
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Please give your most brutal and honest suggestions. Thanks to all.

His eyes are torn open. He is pinned down by his neck with a clamp. He wriggles and struggles to escape the torture inflicted on him. He breaks his back in a bid to avoid further torture. Most of the unfortunate, instead of merciful death, are tortured to death. This is a story of not one but thousands of rabbits who are used for testing products that we use in our day to day life.

Science today, is more developed and sophisticated - We have mapped Human Genome, grown tissue in culture, and modeled human physiology using computers. This is the one face of modern science. The other side, unknown to people, is gruesome and simply horrifying.

WHY? Is it because they are mute? Is it because they cannot protest and stand up for what is right? Is it because we are superior? We talk about fighting terrorists who kill innocent people - kill in a ruthless manner. Are we any different from them? But are we not doing the same with animals? We are attack those who do not have the power to fight back.

One cannot justify this testing on any grounds even though; the famous counter argument is that it is essential for science and mankind. But so far there has been no evidence to support this statement. This is done to avoid consumer lawsuits that they may face. The point is animal physiology is very different from that of humans. Many a drug which has worked on animals have been proved harmful to humans. Dogs and other animals are force fed detergents in increasing quantities to see, at which point, does the animal die. I would really like to ask those scientists who conduct these "curiosity" experiments, how does this help the mankind? Even if it helped, are we ready to sacrifice our conscience for it? The whole concept of buying shampoos, lipsticks and other products that involve animal testing is senseless. There are lot of companies that do not support animal testing who are functioning, just fine. We need to support these industries by buying their products instead of others.

I remember, once when I went to this retail store where they stored perfume tested on animals. My friend who also shares the same passion for animal testing went and talked to the manager, however he refused.The next day, we stood outside the shop and started distributing pamphlets asking people to avoid animal tested products and shops that store these products. The shop owner was furious and humiliated us, but we stood our ground. Third day, they removed the bottles. All it takes is a little effort to make a change.

There is a talk of disarmament, and I really hope it comes into action because it will save lives of many animals used for warfare testing. Pigs are typically used for explosion research while others are used to investigate bullet wounds. Experiments on live animals to test hameoraging is one of the most macabre crime on earth. This is amazing! We are killing animals for the improvement of methods to kill humans!? We talk of compassion and brotherhood and this issue shows how hollow these claims.

This is the issue where wake up calls aren't enough. We need to ban these atrocities immediately and work to build a society with more moral and ethical outlook. The shampoo maybe, you wash your hair with has stains of blood. Animals too have rights and it is now high time we give them what the respect they deserve.

donrocks

Sep 23, 2010

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]

First of all Alec, EXCELLENT.
The dilemma and the line when you say, it hit me the night. Your mental shock for the whole day and all that was awesome. This is real and doesn't come across as a child faking here. Really cool.

One point,
1) The last para... it is the most disappointing part as it comes as a dampener. To try.... really? The point is a doctor's profession is very harsh. Many times its the doc. who is blamed for death of patients. (Sometimes its true.) But, you need to mentally prepared to see the blood, the cut up skin, the smell.... these are not easy things. Be specific... You are ready to plunge because its your ambition to wear that white coat or no, you graciously accept defeat. You may even want to to consider your career. Decide on your career and be specific.

Problem is you do say that you can deal with pain, but the feel and tone of essay have something different to say. A doctor's life is tough and world today competitive. Once decided, you cannot step back.

That's all and otherwise, I am confident....your essay would be accepted. ;) Cheers.
PS: Could you edit my essay also. Thanks.

donrocks

Sep 23, 2010

Undergraduate / About Kirby, the top of her class: an essay about someone who has impacted your life [3]

This is a good story within a powerful theme. Really nice essay substance that isn't used to potential.
1)Para 1: I don't understand exactly what you are trying to say. Think of the possibility of better opening.
2)Para 2:

Drugs and alcohol never interested her; i

Sentence gives a feel of flippancy on the issue of drugs and alcohol. Edit it. You need to mention really 'her character more'. Maybe something funny or unique or beautiful about her. Let us also see the character also.( You need to mention more juicy info. when constrained in word limit.)

3)Para 3: Don't you feel blank and all numb? Maybe that is better than saying, "struck me by surprise."
4)Para 4 and 5: The best part of your essay because you are showing yourself. Your character outline is really clear when you write that I wanted to comfort yet could not bring it up. Yet, didn't this experience made "you realize how much granted we took family for. We forget the most vital part of our life until such an incident happens." By writing, this you show that you have learnt a lesson.

5)Para 6: Instead of "version" write "stages". By the way, please mention which cancer and did you go with flowers to meet him? What was the experience? What did you say and what did you want say which you couldn't convey... Like that. Adds more passion to the essay.

6)Para 7: You could notice her enthusiastic attitude... didn't get this? Either elaborate or usually, it takes people a little time to come out of shell. An extremely traumatic period which leaves a person a little closed up and tensed.

7) Para 7: This para was derailed from the main idea. The question someone who influenced you...
So,
I realized that had I been in her shoes, I would have broken down unlike Kirby who was a different person all together. She was extremely responsible and mature which must pushed a load of her parent's heart. Her positive vibes have left me thinking. I am trying to change. Instead of being a bundle of stress, I am being more positive in my outlook of life.

Hope this helps. :)

donrocks

Sep 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "Youth Tutors of Greensboro" - Common App- chose "other" essay option [7]

I think Kevin is bang on( as usual) and you need to change the first line.
that is because we cannot attach tags to people. Most people are grey characters and the first shows immaturity. person has personality that makes him unique from others and thus, tags cannot be attached.

Otherwise, its a cool essay.

donrocks

Sep 22, 2010

Writing Feedback / FAILED MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE; What are the causes of such separation? [5]

Its really decent attempt and there is a strong potential in the essay.
Your good point's...
1) Good personal touch. Here is something that connects you to the essay.
2)English is impressive and clean. There is a nice subtle writing style you have got, which is really good.
Pts. needed to be worked on....
1. Conclusion is not good. It is abrupt and jerky.
2.

Their only daughter who was born normal become an Attention Hyperactivity

Not become but became.
3. How's this... you can use this for an idea.
We need to reflect back in our lives and judge our priorities. When was last time, we sat with our family with a cup of coffee, spending some quality time? Did I take the children for outing this week?

You can just add some flavor to the essay with some soul-searching statements/ questions or anything that has a warm feeling. Your essay lacks a positive outlook to life and remember these essays are used to judge your character. Think back and write without inhibitions, forget the word limit because editing is very easy. Lets just see what all we can accumulate here.

Cheers. Hope this helps and post the essay up soon.