Undergraduate / "The irony of suffering " - my UCF Entrance Essay (obstacle, bump) [5]

Hi Lauren,

Your essay is definitely heart-felt, indeed! I must tell you that there was the start of a small tear in my eye as I continued to read the essay past the part when your father and your brother met their demise. You did not explain how they met their deaths, however, and I was wondering if this was too much for you to explain at this point in your life. ??

In any event, I didn't find any errors that needed correcting in your essay. I am sure that it took a lot out of you just to sit down and write the essay. You are definitely and apparently a very dedicated person because of the trauma that you and your mother have experienced. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / My Experience with Autism - Penn State Personal Statement [7]

Hi!
I know you said that this is just a rough draft, but it reads and looks good the way that it is, although you will find that re-writing it will always lead to a more perfect essay. I think that you have a powerful essay here, if only it were longer, more involved. If you could only imagine what it would be like, for instance, if your brother were to write about you -- what would he say? Would be be appreciative of you for attending all of the special games? There are literally hundreds of ways you can deal with this! Its is a wonderful topic!

--Mark :)

All the people, all the opportunities.
--> This is not a complete sentence. I know why you chose to use it...for emphatic reasons, but these sort of incomplete sentences do not belong in the essay.

Undergraduate / Mass Art and Photography: Statement of Purpose help? [3]

Hi Jenna!
You are on the right track! Just keep plugging away. I made some simple corrections to your essay, as you can see below -- most of them were small things. You are doing fine, however. Keep writing, whatever it is, and then you can go back and correct the spelling and the grammar later; but for now, just write! You can do this!

--Mark :)

... to show how you see the world,world.thePhotography entails the ability to say things without words, the preservation of one moment in time forever, and most importantly,: it is a passion. I take pictures because of all of that, and simply because I love tocreate art .

... that it always will bethe greater part of my life .

I was never really into the whole 'high school' thing
--> What high school thing? Describe it. What is it? And why were you not a part of it?

Undergraduate / Diversity, Psychology, Experience - "Why Ohio State University?" [2]

Sonia,

I think that you have a good essay here! You certainly addressed the prompt and you answered the questions that you addressed yourself. There were only a few corrections that I made on behalf of the essay. Otherwise, it it good.

--Mark :)

Coming from a very close knit family, I've always longed for independence and I always fantasized that going away to college would bring me that independence I always longed forfor which I longed .

After moving to Ohio, with high expectations of living in a more diverse community, yet I was still disappointed.
--> This sentence does not make sense, and it is difficult to wrap my mind around it. You can try this: After moving to Ohio, I was disappointed, although I had high expectations of a more diverse community.

By the "what-if's" and the "why not's" of the human behavior
--> This is not a complete sentence.

I grew ecstatic when I came to find out that a psychology class was offered in my junior year and whichwith high expectations, I took the class.

Undergraduate / Volleyball: Extracurricular activities - Admissions Univ of Illinois Champaign-Urbana [6]

Daniel,

You did in your essay exactly what they wanted you to do -- and one does not see that too often. According to the prompt, In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it, which you described your sport or extra-curricular activity -- right down to the sweat that one endures during the sport. I commend you for an excellent essay. There is no doubt in my mind that the people reading this essay will see that you are serious about attending the college.

There was only one additional comment that had to be made concerning your essay, and it is a small issue:

Volleyball, a physically and mentally rigorous sport, tests an athlete's patience and perseverance yet comes with great rewards once success is achieved.

Otherwise, the essay is excellent! Good job.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / "When and Where"; doing work by hand or using machines? [3]

Hi!
I see that someone else has already made some corrections for you, and I don't want to repeat them here, but there are a few others that I would like to draw you towards...

And, there are some sentences towards the end of the essay that simply do not make a lot of sense, and it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around them. This is stated later.

I would try to re-write the essay so that it makes more sense. Try to use the corrections above and in this paragraph as a guide when you are re-writing the essay. Then, you can re-post it on the forum.

Cheers!

Writing Feedback / Traffic in Viet Nam: Reasons and Solutions [5]

Kevin,

I was under the same impression the other day when I first encountered this essay, although I didn't raise the issue with the writer. The next day, as luck would have it, I visited my dentist, who happens to be Vietnamese. She told me that, yes, in Vietnam, the population refers to the country in two words, Viet nam. Why, I don't know, and she has no idea why we, as a people, call her country with one word, Vietnam. According to her, all of the maps are wrong! News to me, and I learned something new.

-- Mark

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Hope in the Streets of Puerto Rico [4]

Hi!

What a great essay! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! You are indeed a powerful writer, and you surely have a way with words! I commend you for your volunteerism and your dedication to those who are in need of your help. There simply are not enough people in this world like yourself.

I saw only one error in the entire essay that needs your attention, and it's a common error. In place of the word "me," the word "I" should be used. Just like in the sentence, "He is better than I," the word "me" is not to be used. Think about the subject of the sentence, and then complete the sentence with the word, "am," which is understood. Here, "He is better than I am." That is a more correct way of stating it in a sentence.

Like I said, you are a wonderful writer, and I cannot think of a way to make any other corrections with regard to your essay. I can relate to your essay in some ways, in that my son recently came back from a trip to PR, and he told me of the many streets in the cities that are literally filled with the homeless. Of course, if one were to take the scenic routes, one would remain off the beaten path and never encounter the homeless in PR.

You should definitely write some more! You have a knack for it! I will look forward to seeing more of your writing in the forum!

Cheers!

--Mark :)

It seemed unfathomable that such a young boy, only two years older than meI at the time, had experienced what was probably a lifetime of hardships.

Writing Feedback / Marriage Partners: similar or not? [5]

Hi!
While I agree with most of what the others have said about your essay, I think you did a wonderful job in describing the reasons why you think the way you do. In other words, you just didn't tell the reader that you think a certain way, you told us why you think a certain way. And, that's important when writing an essay. It's important not only to describe your feelings, but also to let the reader know why you feel a certain way. You used a lot of examples in your essay, which is also very important. I think you did a marvelous job. The only other critical issue I have with the essay, aside from what the others have already said is that the word "more over" is not two words, it is generally only one word -- "moreover."

Otherwise, it is simply a nicely written essay!

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Regional Youth of the Year, prepared speech - Vires, Artes and Mores (good start?) [3]

Hi Deidre Bates,

I read through your essay, and then I read the many comments and suggestions that Marisa left for you. I am not going to be redundant and repeat the same suggestions, but I do need to tell you that your essay comprises a very short period of time in your life -- actually -- from the time you got up one day and the moment you stepped down from the podium in the auditorium on that same day. You really need to discuss the three attributes that the personnel at FSU are asking you to discuss, and not just a moment in your history. I hope I am making myself clear to you. I also echo Marisa's comments and suggestions that she made for you.

What do the three attributes mean to you with regard to your desire to enter FSU? Describe each one of them in detail, keeping a paragraph open for each one of them. From there, you can build your essay. Try it. Make an outline of what you want to say and then re-work your essay to those guidelines. I think that you will find that making an outline really helps when writing!

Good Luck!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "My life as a Seahawk"- UNC Wilmington Admission essay [5]

Hi Amanda!

I would think that the admissions department would want a little more information from you with regard to why you want to attend the college. Your essay, which is nice, is too short (in my humble opinion); the personnel there at the college are looking to read some information about you that they probably cannot capture anywhere else. Try to expound on the ideas that you presented, like being in love with marine life -- which marine life, specifically? Why are you developing an affinity for marine life? What caused such a close relationship between you and marine life? Was it just living in Florida? Where in Florida (it's a big state).

I hope that helps!

--Mark :)

Living in Florida my whole life, I've always been drawn to marine life. During the summers, I would spend my days at the beach doing what little kids do. Building sandcastles and finding sea shellsdo, such as building sandcastles and finding sea shells .

This of course has led to an interest in colleges that offeredoffer marine science programs

Being so lucky to spend the best three week of my summer there I instantly fell in love with UNCW.
--> Try this: After being lucky enough to spend a summer at UNCW, I instantly fell in love with the idea of attending the college.

It's small enough to have small class sizes, yet large enough to whereso that I can branch out and grow as a person.

It's near the beach, which I love.

Undergraduate / Twin essay for UMiami. I have high testscore and a low gpa, so this essay is crucial! [6]

Hi Tania Lee!

With regard to your essay, I happen to agree with Marisa -- in that your essay is too informal. Take a look at the corrections she has made for you. I, also, think that you ought to consider re-writing the essay, and coming up with a different approach. It reads too informally, as if you are talking to a friend, and not someone at the collegiate level. Try the re-write and send it to us via the forum; we will take a look at it again.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / *Strength is Success - Texas Essay Prompt C* [3]


Hi Marisa!

I thought that I recognized the essay! It does sound like some of the other Vires essays that I read as well. However, you did get your point across rather nicely. I particularly like the Spanish statement that your mother used when you were younger: show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are. That is quite a strong statement, and it is so true!

I did offer you some suggestive corrections with respect to your essay. You might want to take a look at them and incorporate them into a re-write of the essay. Good Luck!

--Mark :)

When I first meet someone and discern whether I like them,or not I take various characteristics of their personality and overall effect on me.

Physical strength, I personally believe, cannot characterize someone accurately,; rather it is the way they use their physical strength to attract people to them that I observe.

Whether they talk about the news or the weather, their tone of voice will convey their true feelings.

When determining a person from afar, one might take the other's actions into consideration.

If someone was carrying a heavy burden, I would offer my support.

Undergraduate / Struggling with Economics - UChicago Essay [4]

Hi Claire,

I am not sure if your essay requires editing -- in fact, I would keep it like it is at the moment, as it clearly is a well-written document. It is, however, slightly esoteric, and if it were not for the fact that I have read some of Keynes' work, I would not have been able to relate to what you were saying about inflation.

By all means, if you can fit it in the essay, you ought to include some of your extra-curricular activities, as it would identify you with a well-rounded person.

I liked your essay. I didn't see any changes that need to be made. I like the fact that you brought us into the essay talking about biology, only to tell us that your more difficult class was the economics courses.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Trying to turn my dream of attending FSU into a reality" FSU application essay [2]

Hi Delilah,

You essay is probably one of the better ones that I read with respect to the essays that were meant for Florida State. I liked reading it and I am impressed with the fact that you were so eager to use your bilingual status to assist others who did not speak English. This showed in your writing! You write rather well.

I only found a few errors that need to be corrected. One of them involve the passive voice. You will find that it reads better in the active. Otherwise, the essay is terrific!

Mark :)

I have developed strength, skills, and character thr ough my personal life experience,

I study hard and spend extra time reviewing my work so that nothing holds me back from my high scholarly expectations forof myself.

The value of hard work has been taught to me by my mom
--> This sentence is in the passive voice; it needs to be changed to the active voice.

Undergraduate / "Yes, I will move"- significant experience, achievement, risk you've taken (OU Essay) [5]

Hi Sonia!

I read your first essay and then I read through the critiques that were posted by the various people on the forum. Then, I read through your second essay. I think that you have a wonderful essay here, a very heart-felt exposition, indeed! What a powerful statement about a family!

I do have one comment to make concerning the grammar in the essay, however:

My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life long, I made a decision to leave; one that I haven't regretted till this day.

--> In the above sentence, the last line does not "stand alone" as a sentence, and therefore, the semi-colon is not correct. It should, if anything, be a comma. You could even re-write the entire thought in the following way:

My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life-long, I made the decision to leave, and that is one decision that I haven't regretted to this day.

Other than that, I cannot find anything wrong with the essay. Well-written.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "brilliant minds" - Yale essay, something we haven't already gathered from CommonApp [3]

So, you want to be a free thinker! Is that what this is all about? I agree with you, in that the route to and from college should not only be about getting a job after graduation, but that is how the world in which we live works! Everyone, or almost everyone who is attending some sort of higher education program today is doing so because he or she thinks that by doing so, the job after graduation has his or her name on it.

You mention Mensa in your essay. Are you a member?

I wonder if everyone who reads your essay will come away from the text with the same thoughts. I wonder if I am moving away from your essay with the same thoughts you had when you decided to put paper to pen.

I didn't see anything grossly wrong with the grammar in the essay, but I am more interested in what it is you are saying in the essay. You mention that we should not be Google, so we should not merely spit out what we learn, but we should become free thinkers from the information we do learn. I did catch what you said about Freud, by the way, as well as Marx. Do you really think that they were two free thinkers? Great thinkers?

I have not seen any of your work in the forum in the past, and I don't know who you are, as you did not sign your essay; but I would like to see more of your work in the future.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / IS WEARING UNIFORM NECESSARY FOR STUDENT? [3]


Hi Cai!

I think that your essay, while on the right track, so to speak, is too short. You need to expound on the three paragraphs, by telling the readers why you think the way you do. What makes the uniform so special, as opposed to regular clothes? You can also talk about the many students who don't like to wear the uniform as it takes away from their sense of the individual. Have you heard of that before? Does the uniform really save the student money? Can you justify your answer? These are some of the other things that you can talk about in your essay. Currently, your essay consists of three paragraphs, and each one contains only a few lines. This needs to be expanded.

Why does the student need to behave well when he or she wears the uniform? Has this been documented somewhere? Where did you hear about this? Is it really true? This and some other things can be "talked about" in the essay.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "In Being a Banana: A Cultural Mishap" - General questions on format & prompt ComApp [9]

Amanda,

I don't think that you need to revise your entire essay. Look what Kevin said about your work. Look what some of the others said about it. I thought -- before -- and I still think that this is an excellent essay, indeed. If you want to change anything, change the title, but I don't think you need to revise the entire body of the essay! It's simply a wonderful essay. I do think that you might want to re-write it, based on the corrections made only -- and by doing so, you might find some other areas that you want to change yourself. Give it a try. I think you did well.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / FSU prompt-essay about Grandmother and how I grew from that experience-feedback? [4]

Hi Diana!

I thoroughly enjoyed your essay, and I think that you are on the right track. I do, however, agree with some of what Farrah has said above. Additionally, I am offering you some suggestive corrections for your essay. Most of these are small, but they make the sentences sound better. I wish you luck with your essay, and I enjoin you to re-write it and then re-post it on the forum!

--Mark :)

Many People live by personal philosophies but never understand the significance itthese philosophieshashave upon their lives.

FromDayday to Dayday , people use the values of "Vires, Artes, and Mores" as a basic guideline on how to grow from personal experience. For meFrom my perspective , Vires and Mores are expressed as values that opened my eyes to make me a stronger person morally and intellectually.

Mores is signified within my life through the responsibilities I had to take over when my grandmother lost control of her faculties .

Things never got easy because this woman that had been taking care of me since I was born, I had to suddenly start taking care of.

--> This sentence does not make sense, although I know what you are saying.
--> Try this: Things around the house never became easy; suddenly the woman who had taken care of me for almost eight years needed attention for every detail.

Mores reflects my character by taking this experience and learning that my actions and behaviors towards my Grandmother have shaped my characteristicscharacter .

Undergraduate / Manga, the Japanese comic - Intellectual engagement [3]


Warren,

Your essay, while it required only a few corrections that I could see, is a work in progress, as far as I am concerned. This does not mean that it is not complete, for it is; it means that the essay can either stand alone or it can be said in so many other ways, or mean so many other things to so many other people. The idea of choosing Magna to use to describe the way you think about doing something with the mind is very unique -- one does not find this attribute in most people's thoughts, which are linear, not like your own.

I liked your essay. In a short fashion, you described how one thinks. And, to that end, you also described how you use a simple concept such as Magna and apply it to the more sophisticated situations in life. And that is unique.

Good Work!

--Mark :)

As a fan of art, I really enjoy drawing manga;Magna: the Japanese comic.

FromIn my opinion, manga is a media that communicatescommunicate with people by combining text and pictures.
--> Here, remember that the word "media" is plural; therefore, it requires the plural for communicate.

For example, if I wanted to show my appreciation to someone's culinary skills, after tasting their good food, instead of saying "it tastes good" I can say "Can I have some more?" both responses indicate that I like the food but the second response shows more appreciation.

--> I certainly like this sentence! It means a lot! It says a lot!

Undergraduate / "A Step Forward"--An Essay on the Appreciation of Diversity [5]

Steven,

Your essay is simply marvelous! I cannot stress enough how much I appreciated it, and as I continued reading the essay, I knew that it would only get better. You certainly have a knack for writing, and if I were you, I would continue writing! You might just find a career in it, or a hobby if your career is already set forth for you.

I looked and I cannot find any grammatical or spelling errors. Not one. There is not one thing that I would change in the essay. It simply says what you set out to do...which is use the prompt to describe the diversity that you would bring to a community college. And, as far as the restraints that you used to define your essay -- you established all of them in my mind. I will certainly look forward to reading more of your work on this forum!

--Mark :)

Essays / "I realised he was only human when......" (Title) How do i start this essay ? [4]

Alex,

Surely, you have known someone in your life who has been like a 'superhuman' to you up until a point when you realized that he or she, too, was only human. A lot of people attribute this to their father, when they find out early in their lives that their father can also fail at something. It is at that point in the child's eyes when he or she realizes that although the father was put on a pedestal, he is only human -- especially after he, too, fails at something.

Can you relate to that in some way?

--Mark

Undergraduate / "An Extended Complaint" - Evaluate an Experience and its Impact on you [4]


Ryan,

You are a clever, witty writer! I thoroughly enjoyed reading the essay, and, no, it is not too long. We receive others throughout the day that are sometimes longer. You seem to use the words in your essay very wisely. You are very crafty! Have you considered becoming a writer?

It certainly does seem that you enjoy the outdoors and the air that accompanies the winter-like breezes! And, you certainly enjoy track. Your essay leaves the reader with such an image, one that sticks in the mind, a colorful image, with the snow covering the fields, everything save for the track. And, I happen to like the bird's eye view of the track that you offer the readers!

Keep on writing, Ryan! I will look forward to your work in the future. I dare not put a pen to your work, for it is near-perfect.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Chalk Handprints - UPenn Supplemental Essay [9]

Hi!

Yes, you are correct! The UPenn Supplement Essay should be "approximately" 500 words. I've seen them both above and below the 500 word limit, but never more than 10 from the deviation.

--Mark

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]

Hi Siddharth!

You are much too kind! I am here, just doing my best to help those who might benefit from such help. I understand what it's like to be in a position of need, and therefore, I extend my assistance to those who might be appreciative of what I can offer.

Thanks for the kudos, Sid!

--Mark

Undergraduate / Love for art + Chinese heritage - UPenn Supplemental Essay. [7]


Boy! I am afraid to tell you to cut anything out! That was an excellent essay, indeed. I think it must be one of the best essays I've read on this forum for some time. You clearly stated your objective in the essay and set out to further explain in within the text of the essay. It was formatted wonderfully. I have only one comment to make concerning the use of words:

Within my first year at here, I'm already making a positive difference in a city I love, with a subject that fascinates me, for students whose education I care about.

--> the word "at" should be removed from the sentence.
--> Otherwise, this essay is perfect. I would not change anything.
--> I wish you luck with your education at UPenn!

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - large financial benefits for successful sports professionals [2]

Hi Do Ray!

Let's start with the second paragraph -- the first couple of sentences:
As I mentioned above, I agree with the view that this kind of wealth distribution is fair enough due to the successful professionals deserve it, that is, partly because their good luck and talent make it a foregone conclusion that they will be outstanding; principally because the hard work and pain they had endured ensure their success.

--> Here, you are being very non-specific in your response to the prompt. What, exactly are you trying to say, here, Do Ray? You are going back to refer to a point that you made in the first paragraph when, even after I re-read the first paragraph, was never clearly made in the first place.

--> I would start with some simpler, concise sentences and describe how you feel about sports and the people who are making so much money in the sports. Do you think that this is justified? If so, describe, in simple sentences, how you feel this way. Don't try to impress the reader with large words or long sentences, as this just tends to confuse the reader.

--> You are doing well, Do Ray, on this forum. Keep it up! Keep writing. And then re-write your essays. Try to write your essays about three or four times "before" you decide to post them on the forum. You will find that it will work better for you.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: the contents of TV, movies, games influence young people's behavior. [2]

Hi Wipu again!

Boy -- you certainly are writing a lot these days!

I must tell you -- that this essay was formatted well. You described your thesis statement and then you defended it in three different paragraphs -- that was good! The only critical area that I have is explained below, and the same sort of situation occurs in the next two paragraphs. Clean that up, and I think that you will have a good essay!

Good job!

--Mark :)

Nowadays, TV programs, movies, and video games become more important parts of our children.children's lives. These media contain both good and bad contents . One question I often thought about is whether the contents of these media influence young people's behavior. Although, many researches claimed that there are no relation between these twoyoung people's behavior and the content of the media , in my opinion, I agree that our children are influenced by these devices for many examplesreasons .

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : The most important leader in your country. [5]

Hi Wupi,

This is an interesting essay! I didn't even realize that Thailand had a King! I was also not aware that the king is so involved with the land and its resources.

I made some corrections for you -- with respect to the first two paragraphs...and I think that is enough, as I didn't want to discourage you. You write well -- I've seen your writing on this forum before and therefore, I know that you can do better.

Cheers! Mark :)

They are the role model offor their people.

In my opinion ,one of the most important leaders is King Rama 9,the father of Thai people. There are several qualities that make him as an important leader.

Firstly,First, his roles ashas developed Thailand,and many important projects to improve the country arewere mainly initiated by him

Another example is the sustainable economics theory,; he introduced this theory as the most suitable economics theory for Thailand culture.

Undergraduate / "A muslim family that celebrates Christmas" - Response to an essay question [5]


Hi Taymour -- again!

I do grasp the essence of your essay, but I don't think that you explained yourself thoroughly in the text so that the readers can understand what you mean. Perhaps it might be best if you include some of the ways in which these backgrounds influenced you and your beliefs, not just that they did. Do you understand?

--Mark :)

A muslimMuslim family that celebrates Christmas every year as if it is ours explains how diversity is in my blood. My grandmother Lola Jean is an American Christian who moved with her husband to Egypt in the mid 1930s in search for a place to raise a family.

Other than my background, my experiences also played a major role in determining my identity.

however, I believe I am nothave not been tested academically.

Undergraduate / There is no doubt that human beings are not omniscient or omnipotent, authorities also make mistakes [2]

Hi Lin!

First, let me say that you obviously put a lot of thought into your essay, as it uses not one example, but two to demonstrate your thesis. However, Lin, I am not sure that this is the sort of authority that they were referring to -- I would think that the 'framers' of the question were thinking about those people in a position of authority, such as a policeman (or police officer), a cop, a magistrate, a judge, or even the President. I am not saying that you are wrong, as you apparently put a lot of thought into your thesis statement and you explained it throughout your essay; but I was under the impression (before reading your essay) that the 'framers' wanted something entirely different.

Nevertheless, I'd like to offer you some suggestive corrections with respect to your essay. Most of these are small. It might behoove you to incorporate the following errors in a re-write of the essay. I would also like to offer you a suggestion -- write another essay, and this time, focus on the authority vested in a position, such as a person in a uniform or something of that nature.

--Mark :)

Challenge Challenging people who in authority will minimize thesome of these errors.

After many experiments whichthat demonstrated Pasteur's idea but not convincing enough to his adversaries,

At last, he invented a long curved neck flask, which could prevent microbes from entering without seal the flask

Another exactgood example is Jack Welch. He was the CEO of the General Electric between 1981 and 2001

By challenging the authority, Jack Welch took on a series of new measures to make GE the most valuable and largest company in the world.

He executed many strict measures, such as shutting down redundant factories, reducing payrolls and cuting lackluster old-line unit

Graduate / 'Help for every patient' - PTCAS Essay for Physical Therapy admission [5]

Hi Daniel!

A couple of things I can bring to your attention:
1. See if you can just go ahead and eliminate the discussion about computers in the first part of the essay. Just go right into the fact that you want to study to be a physical therapist.

2. I like you essay! It is somewhat of a heart-felt essay, especially when you start discussing the patient with the stroke. You are going to find that there are ways of communicating with these patients without a major problem; in fact, some of them can sing!

3. I made some corrections for you below. You might want to consider re-working the essay (esp. with respect to what I said above in number 1). You might find that it works better when you re-write your own essay! Give it a try.

Mark :)
Volunteering at my local hospital was my first experience with physical therapy. I could only

observe how the physical therapists treated their patients.
Try this instead: Volunteering at the local hospital was my first experience with the physical therapy field, although I could only observe how the physical therapist treated their patients.

I noticed that their line of work can be challenging, especially thewith patients that were diagnosed with dementia.

It was tough to work with him at first sincebecause he couldn't speak English.
--> Be careful when using the word, "since," which is a measurement of time. Use other words in its place.

Whenever he complained of being in pain; he would mimic the flow of tears by repeatedly placing his right hand over his eyes and dropping it down to his chin

--> Change the semi-colon to the comma in this sentence.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Objective of attending school [4]

However, there are many other benefits that one can derive from, by attending school.
--> Try this: However, there are many other benefits that can be appreciated by attending school.
--> Why don't you choose to enumerate some of these other benefits as well?

The facilities such as laboratories, libraries, auditoriums are meant to help students in this aspect. For example, a student may learn about the reason for a chemical reaction in the class room. However, he will be convinced about this theory only when he practically experiences it from the experiment conducted in the laboratory.

--> I especially like these sentences! They tend to show the differences between learning from the books and learning by experiencing things. Good Job!

On the other hand, school is one of the best places for one to develop his or her societal knowledge and networking opportunities with others that would help this person immensely in his future endeavors

--> Another excellent sentence.

--> How many revisions have you gone through so far in writing this essay? I would want to guess that this is only the first time you chose to write this essay. Is that right? If it is, you might want to re-write it at least two more times...you will be surprised that each time you write it, the essay will become more and more clear! Try it! Then, re-post it on the forum for the rest of us to read again. Good writing!

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Growth Through Astronomy" - Common App essay review [5]

My upbringing was never really one that allowed me to obtain much liberty. Both of my parents, for fear of the consequences, rarely let me stray too far from the mandates they set forth. It's only been recently, when I joined the school Astronomy Club, that I have really been able to appreciate my first true tastes of independence.

--> What mandates? What were the restrictions placed upon you by your parents? You need to explain these things in the essay, so that the reader is well aware of what you are trying to say.

You seem to want to express some sort of "evolution" that happened between yourself and your parents, and in this case, it was the viewing of the launch of the space shuttle. Why don't you explain that in the first part of the essay? I agree with the first critique, in that the essay is somewhat mundane when it first starts -- but you can easily spice this up! Give some other examples, as well, as to your new-found freedom! It's not just the viewing of the shuttle, is it? I would suggest that you re-write the essay with the idea that you might explain in more detail the new-found freedom that you now enjoy, but with respect to other things as well. Give it a try. What do you think?

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "meet the challenges in Northeastern" - response to reasons why you want to transfer. [2]


Hi Taymour!

You are a wonderful writer! I had to make a few changes and corrections, but they were all minor. I wish you a lot of luck with your pending transfer! You seem to know exactly what you want to do!

--Mark :)

During my second semester at my current university, I spent about two months working with the university's Entrepreneurship Society. At first we began at a slow pace,pace; however, on the third session I really got interested.

While meeting new and interesting undergraduates, my involvement allowed me to interact informally with professors as well as leading local entrepreneurs.

Then and there I realized I wanted to join the ranks of businessthe business person .

Upon my return to the American University in Cairo for my sophomore year, I learned that the available BA majors do not include Entrepreneurship,; hence, my eagerness to look for alternative universities offering such a major.major was initiated.

Being an American national who grew up in the Middle East, my preferences understandably are stateside rather than Europe or the UK.

Undergraduate / "underprivileged Egyptian children" - an extracurricular activity or work experience. [2]


Hi Taymour,

I didn't find much wrong with your essay. You said in the above statement that, after six revisions, you have been able to minimize your work and come up with a better essay. Is that right? Well, I would venture to say that if you were to revise it one more time, you might find that it will fit within the specifications of the 150 word count and that the essay will satisfy your instructor. Give it one more try. You did well with the essay, by the way!

--Mark :)

This is when I met Hossam, a naive 12 year old boy who worked inat a farm to help provide for his single mother and younger sister.

Writing Feedback / Compulsory education for children between the ages of 5 and 15 [6]

Hi there!

I do grasp the essence of your essay. The only problem is that the essay is a little difficult to follow because of the choice of words. I have taken the first paragraph and I tried to use the most appropriate choice of words, depending on how I thought the paragraph should read. Take a look at the first paragraph and let me know if this is what you were intending to say. If so, I will continue with the remaining paragraphs -- the last two.

You did a good job here with the research. Now, all that needs to be done is re-format the essay so that it makes a little more sense.

Cheers!

Mark :)

First of all, it isthis concerns the development of the children between 5 and 15 years old. According to researchers, a child at thesebetween ages develops the most strongly. His brain haven'thas not formed any "trails of thinking" yet; thus, he can acquire new things very fast. We can verify it through a simple experiment. We only need to give a 6 year-old child and a 40 year-old adult some random numbers, then they have to read them again without seeinglooking at them twice . What's about the reason? The child do this work much better in most of times of repeating.

In fact, it is not a small amount of children choosing the second wayalternative.

Graduate / M.S of Geophysics-Seismology at Institute of Geophysics, TRANSFER STUDENT APPLICATION [7]

Hi Amir!

Try using this as a template for your letter. If you should have any more questions or need any more assistance, please just ask!

--Mark :)

To Whom it May Concern:

A freshman student at the University of Tehran, currently enrolled in the Geophysics-Seismology School at the Institute of Geophysics, I am seeking to apply and transfer to your University as an International Transfer Student. I am currently seeking admission to the M.S. Program at your Institute of Geophysics, with an opportunity to receive a TA or RA if this is possible.

I will greatly appreciate it if you would provide me with any additional information about the process for admission to the university as well as any information that might be needed for transfer students. I will be more than happy to provide you with any additional documentation concerning my status as a student at the University of Tehran. Any further documentation that might be needed will also be very much appreciated.

Your assistance in this matter will be very much appreciated.

Sincerely Yours,
Amir Semnani

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : "Good teachers set challenging tasks for their students?" [2]


Hi Wipu --

As you can see from the first paragraph alone -- while your essay is a good one -- it's going to need some work. I am not sure where you are with respect to your learning the TOEFL, and I am assuming that you are just now starting out -- which means that we have the time to work together, no?

Tell me -- are you familiar with Stephen King? He wrote a good book, which is called On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. I suggest that you might want to consider getting a copy of this book. It is a very interesting book, and I think that it might be able to show you a few pointers when it comes to your writing. Let me know if there is any way that I can help you!

--Mark :)

Today's world education has become more and more competitive. Many of the schoolsorand universities compete with one another to be leader. One major part of being the top school is being able to procure the goodbest teachers .Many people think that good professors leads to good tasks or researches for their students. There areis one question that I always thought about is-- whether the good teachers can set challenging tasks for their students. In my opinion, I agree that good teachers bring good tasks for their students. for several reasons.