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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6,925  
Likes: 1592
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6926 / page 2 of 174
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dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [12]

My world view was mostly shaped by my school, since it has a very strong community of alumni (no comma) and most of them work in the scientific field

This is my suggestion;
My world view was mostly influenced by my school which got a very strong alumni community that has many members working in the field of science.

I remember, how I was fascinated, when I firstly attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, or when my friend explained to me fundamentals of quantum chemistry.

... what is the relationship of the alumni of your school to this? You need to maintain a good flow :(
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / The Transcendence of a Stage - transition from childhood to adulthood [5]

Nobody knew that I (no comma) being a classical piano playerpianistcompletely in a complete different ballpark from modern day singers, would be selected to play for a talent show competition that is supposed to excite a crowd yearning for the comedians or the magicians.

I wish you shortened that sentence.... It's a bit too long and hence difficult for the reader to memorize details :(

The money collected from the show would go to a local charity called Tides, a peer support program that helps struggling kids recuperate from the death of a love one.

what do you mean by "of a love one"? That's not clear :(
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - people are way more disparate at the exterior contrary to what they are inside [4]

I think you need to pay more attention to the approach. Your essay does not contain a good introduction which introduces the topic to the reader and express your view on the issue.

This task is a time bound task and therefore you should aim for a good score while being able to complete the task. Introduce the topic in the intro and then state your view. In the body paragraphs give reasons to justify your opinion and support them with specific examples. Finally have a conclusion to make a final statement on your opinion. I think you better redo this essay all over again.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'joining sport team' - the best way for students to make new friends? [3]

It is better if you included the full prompt in this post so that we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks :)

An increasing number of people begin to discuss the best way for students to make new friends. Many people are of the opinion that participating in community activities and traveling are best ways for a student to make new friendsfor making new acquaintances("making new friends" getting repeated too often). However, I strongly assertbelieve that joining a sports team is absolutely suit for a student to make new friends.is the best way for students to make new friends.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / 'My interests include organic chemistry and biochemistry' - Which department or program at MIT? [5]

Due tothisThis job I hadgave me the opportunity to spend a whole year synthesizing new heterocycles and doing total syntheses.
The last part I liked the most, so I would like to continue this work for the UROP.
What is this last part? It is not clear to me at all .... may be I lack the subject knowledge, but I like if you are more specific on that :)

I cannot even call synthesis a pure science, though its logic is almost mathematical, it is rather an art of great beauty.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Why study? Knowledge, experience and career are essential for today's young people to concentrate on [5]

It is clearobvious that knowledge is an important key which leads to success. Most people believe that university and college is the best environment to getbuild that awareness. In addition, it is also a place that we can getgain new experiences in order to have best preparationprepare for our future careersin the future.

Very good introduction :) You follow a good approach for the intro :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY: The threat of nuclear weapons maintains world peace. [2]

Nuclear technology is a much debatedheatedissuetopic . Some people think that there are several benefits to use nuclear power as a clean sustainable energy source (no comma) while others worry about the safety of it generation nuclear energy. In my opinion, the advantages of nuclear power far outweigh theits disadvantages.

I like the approach you've followed for this task. You've done a good job :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: new factory will enhance the quality of life and our town's image promotion [4]

There have existed endless controversial opinions towards the building of a large factory near my community. Personally, I strongly agree withfavor thisthe decision to buildof building a new factory.

I like your introduction :)
Firstly, what I put my priority in is the improvement of living standard of the people in my community. (you need to be more specific here)

It is well noted that most people living in my town is out of work.jobless most of the days.
With the appearancepresence of the factory, more people living in my placecommunity would be able to have part time jobs to earn something extra for their familieswill have a job.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - The residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars [7]

The pie chart compares the percentages of different modes of transportation used in Edmonton. Whilstwhile the table illustrates the main reasons for trvallingtravelling by car.

Firstly, it is clear that approximately half of all the people use cars, while around one-third preferred the light rail transit system. However, the figures for travelling by bus and taxi are equally important, reaching 10 per cent for each of these methods.

Also, the foremost reason for using an automobile is commuting to work, at a little over half of the total percentage. Although, it is followed closely by the need to take children from school and business-related activities, being at 40 and 45 per cent respectively. It can be noted that shopping and various lesure activities are the main motivation for 15 per cent of the surveyed populace each.

In conclusion, the residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars, while they are mainly used for various work issues.

Well, you seem to be following an approach similar to IELTS Task 2 which is wrong. This task is for a different purpose - It attempts to assess your report writing skills and therefore adopt a more formal tone for this task. Do not include phrases like "First, Also, In conclusion" etc. that sound too personal and not like reporting facts. They are ok for the Task 2. Also, after the introduction, have an OVERVIEW that gives an idea of the main trends of your graph to the reader. Do not include any details there and after doing the Overview, move into Detailed paras.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'bring happiness to my nearest and dearest' - which salary would be better? [4]

I too agree with Pahan. You display good writing skills, good grammar, vocabulary knowledge, sentence structures etc. What you lack is an idea of how this essay be structured. For IELTS, which is also a time bound task, you need to work a lot on your approach to score marks while managing your time effectively. In the body paras, as Pahan suggests, you must give reasons to justify your opinion. This is a sample body para from me;

First, money is not guaranteeing one's happiness. If my job provides me a great salary without any free time, then I would not be able to have my time for my family which may affect our personal lives negatively. For example, I can feel my father's disappointment when I give him a ring to tell him I will not be able to make it for dinner and to have it before I come home.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. [3]

In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personnal development than individual kinds of sport do.

I think I have already suggested you an approach for this task. This is your introduction and it is better you first introduce the background of the issue before stating your opinion on the issue. You should assume that reader does not have any idea about the topic and the intro is the place you need to introduce your topic to the reader.

First, each team sport teaches you to be an effective team member and behave in closework towards a common goal in cooperation with other team members.

In spite of the fact which precise kind of team sport a person pursues, one of the major requirements to the person is to be a responsive part of the team, a particle of the complex structure.

.... this one is indeed a too complex sentence for the reader to understand what you try to mean.... do not complicate your ideas by trying to display your vocabulary knowledge. What is most important in writing is clarity. If the reader does not comprehend what you write, then your writing would not be impressive :(
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL -advices from senior people are more valuable than from people at our age [5]

Thanks for reminding me to include the prompt.
The prompt is "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place."

I feel you have uploaded a wrong topic for this essay .... I cannot find any relevance between that and what you have written below;

We all received many advices from others that can help us reach our goals through the right direction. There is no doubts that advices are very powerful and helpful. Some claim that advices from older people are crucial because it come from true experience; others might say that suggestions from friends are acceptable and doable due to the same environment. Personally, I think that advices from older people are more valuable for me to adjust myself and to accomplish my tasks.

You have written about advice received from senior people and the people of your age, but the topic you've quoted in the latter post is something very different to that :(

Admittedly, we share similar experience with our friends at same agethe people of same age more or less share similar experiences and emotional feelings. Opinions from our peers are acceptable, and also we mightdo feel more comfortable to exchange opinionexpress our feelings, opinions and ideas with our friends. However, advicesadvice from peers are hypotheticalmay lack maturity compared to the ones given by experienced senior people.and there is no clues whether if those opinions are helpful.
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Compulsory voluntary work is a contradiction, and not only in a literal way [5]

I don't agree with this opinion in any way. Compulsory voluntary work is a contradiction, and not only in a literal way.

This is not a good way to open your essay. The reader does not have any clue about your topic.

Follow this approach for the introduction paragraph:
1. Start with an interesting statement to catch the reader's attention
2. Give the background context to the reader
3. Express your view

... yes, this is it and it helps the reader to understand your topic and your own opinion.
This is what I suggest for your intro;
Unpaid community work has become a very significant activity in high school curriculum in many countries. Some would argue that it should be made a compulsory involvement of the students. However, I strongly disagree with this view due to several reasons.
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Event letter in ielts exam - "International Day" [3]

I am so pleased to hear thatabout this wonderful event "International Day" whichwillis going to be held next week. I am here to talk about the food and activity I will prepare for that event.(now tell why you think it is an important event)I am sure this event is a necessity for maintaining the cultural harmony and understanding for our diverse student body.

Now tell, how you are going to contribute;
As an international student from ???? (your country) I too wish to add color to this event by making and presenting ???? (some authentic food in your country). Now tell more about this dish :D
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The contribution of agriculture, manufacturing and business sectors to the UK economy [7]

Between the intro and the body paras, insert an Overview which gives an overall idea to the reader :)

It can be clearly seen from theThe data shows that there was a downward trend in the percentage of manufacturing while the figure for business and financial went up over the period.

This is a task aimed at assessing your report writing skills. Adopt a more report writing tone for this task!

Well, I can see you have good writing skills. However, you should follow the approach eddies has suggested very very seriously :) You need to present your writing in a more logically organized sequence and what eddies has proposed is the best, in my view :)
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The increasing demand for oil and gas has made it necessary to look for these sources [3]

This is a good intro, especially in terms of introducing the background of your issue topic. However, since your topic directly asks for your opinion, you better express it before concluding your intro :)

Give more specific examples to support your reasoning :)
You display excellent writing skills. I enjoyed reading your essay. I think you do not have any problem with this task. Good Luck!
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: the figure reflect equally in subjects related to service community; foreign and UK students [4]

The bar chart illustrates the differences between the proportion of foreign students and UK students in terms of obtaining the second class degree or tertiary education at a university of United Kingdom in 2009.
It is evident that both home and international students were passionate about learning with more than a half achieving second level or higher education. In addition, the abilities of students depend on the group of subjects studied.

These sections are well structured :) I mean your Introduction and the Overview :)
However, I find your Detailed body paras need more flesh :D
You need to support the trends you describe with the data given by bar charts. You've got to present comparisons there. They certainly need more data and information. If you improve your Detailed paras, I think you can aim at a very good score :)
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'disaster situations' - todays individuals are becoming more dependent on each other [4]

It seems that people have heavy reliance on othersone another because they have to collaborate with each other(sounds repetitive :( ... )it is easier to tackle tough challenges and issues in some conditionslife , but I do believe that in modern society,with the prevalence of technology , they gradually rely less on each other and lead a mobilemore independent lifestyle.

Good introduction :)

It is sensible that someone hold the view that it is necessary for those people who are suffering from a natural disaster to work together and help each other.

Well, you've got to pay more attention to the issue topic .... you are supposed to talk about whether previous generations had more dependence on each other than the modern people. Always stay focused to your topic requirements.
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Finding a good job and increasing the knowledge are the main reasons for study [4]

Pay attention to the structure Audi has recommended to you. It helps you earn a good score while managing your time efficiently at the exam :)

There is no doubt that entering to the university andor college education is very important for many people. There are a lot ofmany reasons that may motivate people to attend a college or university. Some people try to enter to thetake this decisionuniversity to increase their knowledge and others hope to findbetter their chances in finding a job after graduation from the university.
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Those who are aware of where to go, customs and life are likely to experience satisfactory journey [4]

These days the number of visitors who are travel to foreign countries hashave been markedlysignificantly increased. Culture awareness lead to many benefits as well as there are many problems for those who do not understand culture.cultural differences.

who travel to foreign countries / who are travelers to foreign countries

Misunderstanding of culture would cause many problems for both side: the native and the foreigner. Take for example someone who use body language without taking into account inhabitants' culture, would insulting religious customs. For instance, in Muslim countries shaking hand with alien women is forbidden; Moreover wearing scarf and loose-fitting clothes is common among Muslims nations due to feeling secure as written in holy Quran. As a result it is better to take some research in advance to familiar much more with destination. Thus cultural misunderstanding has many drawbacks.

This body para is pretty good.... very informative

Overall, you need to improve on grammar :) But you have good writing skills and bright ideas, so you've got the potential to improve a lot :)
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Charity among UK people between 1990-2010 in five age groups [4]

The bar chart showpresents data about the proportion of UK people giving money to charity by age range between 1990 and 2010.

bar chart shows / bar charts show ... pay attention to this grammar fix

You need to pay lots of attention to the approach you have followed for this task. If not you may fall in trouble :(
Write an introduction (should be very brief - What you've done above is fine). Then write an Overview that tells the reader about the major trends of the graph or chart. Here you should not include any details like data,figures or percentages. Then move into Detailed paras where you talk about trends with supporting data.
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is necessary for people to choose the appropriate working mode in career growth [2]

There is a view that people should workpermanently in the same company, while others prefer to change various jobs many times.

Well, I see a difference in what you say by "permanently in the same company" and "not changing the company ". When you say permanently, it does not explicitly refers to what your prompt suggests;

Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations

Whether the employee is permanent staff or one on contract, the desire for working for the same company should be the matter of focus in this essay.

Always stay aligned with your prompt :)
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Gender distribution of teachers in different educational institutions [6]

It shows what percentage of teachers were male and what percentage of teachers were female.

This is not contributing any value addition to your response. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing capabilities. So, keep your writing very concise and clear. Introduce the graphical presentation very briefly and do not elaborate on that;

The bar chart illustrates the gender distribution of teachers in different educational institutions from nursery school to university in UK in 2010.

.... this is more than enough for the intro :)
Overall, the male teachers held a large share of teaching posts in higher-level institutions whereas female teachers predominated in schools for children. In the institutions for older children and young adults, this rates were more equal.

Well, following the introduction, you need to write an Overview which explains the main trends of your chart. What you've written here is fine, but adopt a more formal reporting tone :)
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Drivers have to pay a fee for driving in Rush Hour [4]

Started in theFrom the beginning of late eighteenth century, the industrialization and urbanization witnessed thean explosion in number of automobiles.

The reasons are the followings.

I feel this is not necessary. The reader anyway expects you to justify your opinion with convincing reasons in forthcoming body paras. Conclude your intro with a statement that clearly expresses your view.

Also, stay more aligned with your topic. The primary focus here is on drivers being charged during rush hours. You need to have more emphasis on that. Be more focused on what your prompt is asking you.
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Bill Gates as University Professor? - TOEFL Essay [2]

Successful entrepreneurs and sport stars can affect many people.

Successful entrepreneurs and sport stars can inspire the lives of many people.

Well, I see you are practicing for TOEFL which is a time bound task. Therefore you need to manage time effectively at the exam. I would suggest you to cut down on introduction in view of suggesting you a more suitable approach to write an effective essay while helping you manage time. Do not have any examples in the intro. Begin your intro with a catchy sentence which is relevant to your topic and also meaningful. Then introduce the background of the prompt, (I mean the issue). The state your opinion very clearly.

I can see you write very well, but focus more on earning points while managing time :)
dumi   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad - Bar chart, Line Graph [5]

As can be seen from theThe data shows that there was a dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad.
This task is about report writing and therefore it is better you adopt a more formal tone that suits report writing.

Over the 5 years after 1985, the number of people from Japan travelling abroad increase steadily about 4 millions visitors.

Here, I have a confusion. What is this 4 million? Is it the annual increment of Japanese travelers? I feel you've got the figures mixed up as I can no where find such 4 million in your bar chart. You've got to be very very careful with figures when you deal with the Detail paras.

However, there was a slight fluctuation in the popularity of Japanese travelling abroad between 1990 and 1993.

However, there had been a slight decline in this trend during the year 1991.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: some people think the government should spend more money on science than art. Do you agree ? [4]

Many stubborn diseases such as heart disease, diabetes even the cancer can be cured.

This is actually an example. You should have examples contained in the introduction. Introduction is meant for introducing your topic. The examples should move into your body paras.

However, science and art cannot be divided. Science without art is the body without the soul.

.... impressive writing :)

You have excellent writing skills. Pay attention to your essay approach. Include more specific examples in the body paras. You can easily aim at a real good score :)
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Living away from parents provide youngsters opportunity to meet variety of new people [8]

In recent years, Majormajor cities have seen unprecedented growth (of what? you need to specify! ) and have become land of opportunities for all of us. Consequently,As a result, youngsters from small cities or even from large cities have to relocate themselves for work or studies. This relocation has both advantages and disadvantages, however, overall, I think the advantages are far more thanover weigh the disadvantages.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Undergraduate / My family environment and it's affect on me. They have helped me to become who I am [4]

Family environment has a very big role in contributing to who you become.

My family environment played a very big role in shaping me into the person who I am today.

Your surroundings leave impressions on you and shape and mold you into the creature that you call yourself.

You already said this idea in the previous sentence and therefore this sounds redundant :( Avoid repetition as they tend to make your reader bored.

My family environment, consisting of my mother and father's high standards and two role model seeking younger brothers, has had this same effect of molding me, into me.

This one too :( Now tell the reader what is inclusive in your family environment ... Do not repeat the same idea over and over again.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items [6]

The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items in US fromin 1966 toand 1996.
You have made a fundamental error there... They give very different interpretations :(

It is obvious that food and cars constituted the largest part of all spending in both years. The highest percentage of expense was in food, at 44% in 1966, but it sharply dropped to 14% in 1996. In contrast, the proportion of expense on cars nearly doubled, rising from 23% to 45% within 30 years.

Before coming to this detail paragraph, you should have written an Overview about what these pie charts present. This is what I suggest;
Overall, it can be observed that expenditure on food had drastically come down over the years and it had been replaced by the expenditure on cars.

Once you do the Overview, then you should move into detail paras to discuss trends with more details and figures.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad - Bar chart, Line Graph [5]

while the line graph compares the percentage of these travelers visited Australia induring the same period.

This does not have adequate reference to the Japanese tourists to Australia .... I know that is what you tried to mean by saying "these travelers", but wish you had more emphasis on that fact as it is very important.

Throughout the period, more and more Japanese tourists cam visited to Australia which contributed to the increase of the number mentioned above.

This is my suggestion for your Overview;
Overall, the number Japanese tourists visiting other countries has grown steadily during the period under review. It has shown almost a similar trend for the Australian market share of Japanese tourists.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL_inventors and science pioneers always try new things and take risks [2]

Throughout history, there have been many inventions and breakthroughs have inventedmade by brave persons.

The people who not only can't tolerate the status quo, but also decide to change it profoundly.

Well.... your sentences fail to deliver a clear description of the prompt. The main objective of your introduction is to introduce the prompt to the reader. There is no use of displaying your vocabulary knowledge if you do not fulfill this requirement efficiently. Tell your reader what your topic is about and then state your opinion on that.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: public transportation and more flyovers as a solution for traffic congestion [2]

It is true that traffic congestion is now an increasingly serious problem that many major cities have to face with (stop here with a full stop). it It has negative impact not only on individuals but thealso on society as a whole.at large.

Firstly, people should be encouraged to travel byusing public transportationstransportation modes to reduce the number of vehicles on the road.
For allowing that to happen,To promote using public transportation, the governments should provide affordable and comfortable public transportations,transport systems that run efficientlyparticularly 24/24 buses, to meet the needs of the population.public.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: It should be mandatory for every company to substitute their old equipment with new ones. [6]

Thank you Dear dumi :)
thank you for spending time to correct my essay specially introduction
Could you help me how to build statement like you ? I think it takes time? yes ??? please give me some advice

Well, pay more attention to what your prompt has asked and understand the issue. Then the best way to begin is by paraphrasing the question posed by the prompt if you do not get a very bright catchy idea at once to open your essay. For example;

Art is an important aspect of our lives and so does our environment.

.... you can consider something like this for a hook, but it is not really necessary. :)

A company which is ready to spend money on either supporting art forms or protecting environment, needs to select one of the two choices.

... I did this by paraphrasing the prompt. It is the easiest way to open your essay.
Then you state your view on the issue
All that makes up your introduction :)
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some students live in their hometowns, but others in different cities - which do you like? [7]

Maybe I didn't write the topic clear enough due to the word limit .

Well, you can include the full prompt in the post on top of your essay. Many other do that and it is very useful for us to align our comments with what your prompt requires :)

Yes, I think what I guessed your topic to be is wrong ...Now that I know and let see how I can contribute to improve your essay :)

The world 's economy has witnessed unprecedented boom in recent years . Such situation contributes to more employment opportunities in different cities .

Yes, now I see your sentences are well aligned with the prompt :)

Meanwhile , graduation students are often presented with two major paths to pave the ways for their future development , either to stay in their hometowns , living in familiar environment and hanging out with old friends , or to spread their wings in strange cities, experiencing different local life and meeting with new people .

This sentence is pretty long and it disturbs reader's concentration on your writing forcing him to remember lots of details to understand your idea.
dumi   
Aug 22, 2014
Undergraduate / "PERSPECTIVE" - gazing vacantly into the distance. Place where are you perfectly content. [2]

Our intentions were clear, although they were not to strengthen our relationship with God as they were expected to be.

... well, I get confused with the latter part of this sentence. Who expected your to be closer to God? There is a bit of ambiguity I feel there :(

Young Life's weekly meetings set out to be filled with interactive games and song singing- the highlight of my dreaded Mondays.
At the end of each meeting we would all sit on the floor and listen as one of the leaders read to us from the bible and toldtell a very wise and relatablerelating story that gotget you thinking of thoseto contemplate on things you usually want to keep buried in your subconscious.
dumi   
Aug 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Experience plays an important role in our lives and teach us valuable lessons which help us succeed [5]

It is always good for us to know what the purpose of your writing. (mention that in your post) Generally, we see many essays written on this topic and all of them are for preparing IELTS or TOEFL. If you also wrote this essay for the same purpose, then I stress that you need to work a lot on your essay approach. The issues I find are that your introduction does not introduce the topic to the reader adequately. Instead you express your opinion as you open your essay. Then your body paragraphs are pretty bulky. I have no idea what your purpose had been, however, if this for IELTS or TOEFL, then you may run into lots of problems in terms of managing time for completing the task.
dumi   
Aug 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Well-known people who do not go away from the converses of people should be always very affluent [3]

One considerable argument in support of athletes is that they are much more popular than some other workers.

Well, it is better if you align your arguments more with the prompt. Your prompt is focused on earnings of professional athletes. Also, popularity is not an adequate reason to justify that, but it should be supported by more convincing reasoning. This is what I suggest;

One considerable argument in support of justifying the soaring earnings of professional athletes is that they have earned fame through many hardships and sacrifices.

Moreover, they can even become children's heroes.

They are often heroes and heroines in children's world.

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