Undergraduate /
"the opposite of perfection" - the world you come from has shaped your dreams [2]
Hi, some ideas I had!
I think you needed to shorten the beginning, cause it's much less powerful than the body and much too long for it. I've given some ideas for that here.
The world I come from can be described as the opposite of perfection. (
Making the first line a generalization and a seperate paragraph is something I do a lot... to me, it give the beginning pwer and a bit of a suspense factor. Do it only if you want to though)I do not come from
youra typical "Mexican family", where the dad
(father? for a formal tone?) goes to work and his wife stays home to do the chores
(seems just a bit chauvinistic to say.) .
No, in my case my mother had to take on the responsibilities of the father due to his absence.(In my case, my mother has assumed my father's responsibilities in his absence) It has impacted my world
;in a way where everyone in my household has to work twice as hard for everything;
and if you don't work hard, you will be taken down by time.I know that if you do not work hard in these circumstances Then you can be easily taken down with the hard times . Well, that is the path that my older brother took.
All these seventeen years of my life without a father made me see my brother as the father that I never had.
I saw him that way because When you are a little girl, you want a "father figure" to take care of you - to buy you things, and to look up to. My brother did exactly that. When my mother was away at work, which was practically all day long, he was there to take care of me, feed me, and he taught me what was right from wrong.
As
I grew older,
youI realized that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Once reality unfolded my eyes I started to see my brother for who he truly was - an alcoholic. I saw alcoholism take over his life as he would drink until he would pass out. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he still has to live under my mothers roof simply because he can not keep a simple job.
If you say sometimes, you need to say what you feel the rest of the time.So something like 'Other times, I feel hurt/resentful/angry because... He
has lost all of his jobs because he was incapable of waking up after a long night of drinking. My eyes
will water with tears
those mornings that when I
would wake up and see the beer cans spread over the floor. Alcoholism has infuriated him and it has become extremely hard for me to respect him now. He yells with anger and it hurts to realize that I have lost him, not physically but emotionally.
Although,However, I do thank him, not for his actions but for helping me realize that my life can be better. His behavior has pushed me to go to school every day just so I would not have to be around his negativity. He has made me thrive for better grades so they can get me into a university, away from him. This experience has made me love my education and therefore I want to further it after high school.
The world I come from has shaped my dreams and aspirations by providing me the confidence that I know I can be better. I know growing up in a home with alcoholism can bring many hard times, but I have learned to make the best of it by succeeding on my own. The hard times in my family have not and will never stop me from accomplishing my goals. As my mom always told me, "Todo es possible, so nunca te des por vencida" Spanish for "Everything is possible, so never give up".
Also.
You talk about losing your brother emotionally, but you might come off as a little cold if you don't say you want to regain him... mention this somewhere? Maybe? You also talk as though he's almost a barrier... when you say that your family's hard times "have not and will never stop me from accomplishing my goals." I think, maybe, you can soften the last paragraph just a little by mentioning your brother there; an aspiration for in in some form. It would give the essay a much more emotional angle, make it pull at the heart of the reader and thereby making it much more powerful. Plus, it would give it better continuity. I think.
Otherwise, it's a nice response to the topic. It's powerful, but not as much as it could be.
Good luck!
