Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Posts by mariatateno
Joined: Oct 26, 2010
Last Post: Jan 14, 2011
Threads: 6
Posts: 35  

From: US

Displayed posts: 41 / page 1 of 2
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Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

いいんじゃない? i agree with the above, some phrases are similar so don't put all of them in cause they get a bit repetitive.
please take a look at my essays!! ASAP :)
Jan 12, 2011
Writing Feedback / People with talents: BORN OR MADE? [3]

Lot's of people use the "like a seed into a plant" metaphor. Although it works in your case, it's not very original...

Maybe make the conclusion a bit longer and say why you think so.

please take a look at my UNC essay (expressing inner world)
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / UNC-lost in the mountain [6]

I only have 500 words, I would very much like to continue and explain, but then I would have to cut out a lot of detail as there is not enough space. Then it wouldn't be as effective...

What do you think?
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / UNC-lost in the mountain [6]

Is it boring or too long winded?
Do you think I effectively answered the essay prompt?
Any other feedback and improvements are greatly appreciated.
Comment and I'll comment back, Thank you in advance!!

4.Tell us about a project in which you had to collaborate with your peers. How did it go?

Containing all my patience and using all the self-control I could fathom I refrained from screaming at my peers. How could they not see the simple logic I was trying to convey? The frustration inside me was evident, radiating out of my body through my quick raised voice. We had been here for almost an hour first discussing, then arguing, about the situation we were in. It was almost dark and the problem was still not solved. Why don't we just try? I snapped. It's almost dark, and by the time we finish deciding what to do we could be out of this mess. Although the whole Duke of Edinburgh Gold group sensed the urgency, as a group, we could not all agree on a solution.

The gold level was the highest level in the Duke of Edinburgh- an award for youths aged 14-25 who must complete 6months of a service, action, and creative activity. The last component to the award was a 4 day self planned hiking trip. With half a tent, my sleeping bag, sleeping mat, four days worth of food, fuel, water, cooking utensils and other essential items strapped onto my back, I began the journey with excitement, hope?, and nervousness. Our group of seven struggled through the first two days, but the third was the most demanding yet, both physically and mentally. We were lost by a stream with no visible solution. Up or down the stream? Up would mean potential cell phone reception but if there was none, we would have to eventually turn down. Going down meant eventually getting to the base of the mountain- it was faster but significantly more dangerous.

Not only was it getting dark, but what we saw along the stream scared us. Along the stream were piles of bones neatly stacked on top of each other. Right next to that was a pile of fur, and further up a deer skull. Coming from the city, none of us had ever seen such a sight and two of the girls started crying. We were all scared. What were we going to do? With no adults supervising us, no one knew where we were. It was up to us to decide what to do, and perhaps it was this thought that made me feel responsible. I put forth both arguments and took on the role of a "leader". By listening to each person's point of view, we finally came to an agreement to wait at where we were whilst the three of the fastest, strongest of us took all our cell phones and ascended the steep, slippery rocks. I stayed behind decided to set up tents and make hot drinks whilst we waited incase it became dark when they came back.

The fear and worry that I felt was a new experience to me. It was mentally exhausting to choose how to proceed when so many people disagreed and refused to cooperate on the options presented. Yet it had to be done. I am glad for the experience yet I never what to repeat what happened that trip.
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / The girl who thinks she can (UNC) [15]

I love the idea!
You could develop some of your sentences more and use less repetition of certain words.
I especially love the ending and how you tied in his advice to yourself.
Goooood Luck!!
Jan 6, 2011
Undergraduate / "my friends' lasting friendship" - What matters to me most and why--- USC Long Essay [3]

I agree, maybe move the second half to the beginning. Check your sentences for missing/awkward word choices.

When came to relationship with others, my roommate became rather introverted and there was a time when he couldn't fall sleep late at night after he argued with his friend and since none of them were on speaking terms, their relationship continued to deteriorate.

Their relationship continued to deteriorate. My roommate became introverted and because of an argument with his friend, he wasn't able to fall asleep.

Make your sentences simpler, this way it will flow better
Jan 6, 2011
Undergraduate / expressing my inner world through baking (UNC essay) [3]

--------I am unsure if I am answering the question in the way they want me to.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Am I too repetitive/descriptive/boring? Should I incorporate other aspects like how my baking includes bits of Japanese/Singaporean elements because I take with me things from where I come from/grow up, my cultures intwine with diversity because I'm half singaporean, living in Japan and attending an international school ect----

People find many ways to express their inner world. Some write novels; others paint, perform, or debate; still others design elegant solutions to complex mathematical problems. How do you express your inner world, and how does the world around you respond?

The tantilising smell of the angry black berries rise up as I stare at my reflection in the uneven surface of the tart. Anger, confusion, and frustration evaporate when I enter the realm of baking. It is my intangible sanctuary, a place where I pour out feelings that even some of my closest friends cannot fully understand.

Confusion and indecisiveness ends up as a caramel marble cheesecake, the swirl of colour and mixture of texture exactly how I feel. Bittersweet chocolate drowned in burnt caramel portrays hurt and jealousy, and messy peanut butter - chocolate truffles express my frustration and stress. On days where I am happy, I will immerse myself in conjuring up a fluffy carrot cake topped with a generous dollop of cream cheese frosting. My love and compassion is tasted on circular cakes layered with intricate designs of whipped cream and decorated with evenly sized strawberries whilst chestnut puree squeezed through holes in a creamfiller cause them to flow gracefully onto a soft sponge base like tears, symbolising my sadness.

Those around me know I am sincere when they receive a sticky almond tart with an apology note, and my gratitude is expressed through the thank you card attached to the spicy cinnamon apple crumble. Baking has allowed me to express myself without words. The final product reflect my feelings, and like our ever changing emotions, the desserts are eaten whilst my negative feelings evaporate. The aftertaste is what lingers, happiness and contentment replacing the anxiety and stress that gnawed at my mind. I can now sift through what needs sorting after I expose to the world my feelings and emotions. For me, baking takes care of that.

How can I make it flow better??
Pleease suggest some improvements!!
Jan 5, 2011
Undergraduate / CalTech - Passion for Maths/science and engineering [4]

He told me that he wasn't free, however, that I could go to the Math's department where there were 3 free teachers.
change it to:
He told me that he wasn't free and to go to the Math's department where there were three free teachers.

Maybe give more general ways of HOW you express your interest, not what you did in each specific example. There's too much detail on each example and not really on yourself.
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Short Answer: Running, my heavy breathing [14]

I read something very similar to this on another site.
Colleges will check against sources on the internet so be original.
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Only sixty more meters! Come on guys!" - Commonapp-ECA <150words [5]

I only have a day or so left till I have to submit it.
Please be as harsh as needed, I will try my best to see your essay in return.

"Only sixty more meters! Come on guys!" I looked down at my peers clambering over icy roots, their boots sinking deep into the snow. We had been hiking for three days now, waking up at 3:00am to aches and bruises from carrying our massive backpacks. Cooking utensils, warm dry clothes, fuel, a tent, a sleeping bag, and our water supply was strapped onto our backs as we endured twelve hours of cruel whippings of beads of ice from the fierce wind up the mountain. The Duke of Edinburgh expedition was the toughest challenge I had ever been through both physically and mentally. Despite the harsh weather conditions and negative atmosphere around my tired, frustrated peers, I tried my best to stay positive and shout out encouragement to my group. This way, at least we knew we were all in it together and that someone believed we could do it.
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "my first time going to America; volunteer opportunities" - 2nd JHU supp [5]

This is a very rough draft of my supplement.
Please tell me what you think, and I will definitely provide feedback on yours.

Do I sound boastful, arrogant and too ambitious?

2.A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

As it will be my first time going to America, I will definitely devote most of my holiday time to traveling. I will backpack to the typical tourist spots, take typical tourist photographs, and buy typical tourist postcards. I will then explore further. My friends familiar with the area will guide me to the hidden spots only those living there know about. I will relax in the rare sunny spot at the park, eat at the cafe with the best scrambled eggs, and sing at the cheapest karaoke booth. This is just the beginning.

Reading about the multitudes of activities and opportunities through the internet and on by following student's blogs has left me excited for life at Johns Hopkins. My hobby for cooking, passion for caring for others, and ambitious personality has left me dreaming of devoting time to the SHARE (supporting hospitals abroad with resources and equipment) club, AIDS Alliance, and Food for Love. I will volunteer at My Sister's Place (the women's center that Food for Love supports), and be a guide and host once I am familiar with the area. Aside from these service activities, I plan to master french, keep up my Japanese, and self teach Chinese with help from members of the SASH. I will save up for a Cello, play my flute when I need inspiration, and challenge my room mate to a game of chess.

Those who do not know me will think I am overly ambitious, but it's better to dream big and reach further, than set boundaries on what you can achieve.
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "going through the numerous clubs and organizations" - Columbia Supplement [8]

-too informal.

8-fonted club names
-What is this??

But wait! I see this and now I'm leaping: 'A Columbia ID card gains Students free access to 30 NYC museums.'
"SCORE! I love museums!"
-This phrase is really nice :)

Right now, I'm done exploring and am somewhat disappointed I didn't look into Columbia earlier.
-IMO its better now to write this...

I like the last sentence!
Good Luck
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Experience outside formal classroom - Pomona Supplement- "K'naan" [3]

In a moment of habitual paranoia, I reached into my pocket and took out the envelope inside.
- This sentence is great!!

I flipped open the cover and pulled out the tickets to make sure all three were there. Thankfully, we had not forgotten our tickets and were going to be able see our favorite musician, K'naan', live in concert.

-The "thankfully" in the 2nd sentence doesn't seem to fit with the excited atmosphere

Upon arriving in San Francisco, we cruised around the streets, but decided to get a bite to eat before the show started. By the time we had finished eating, it was 7:45, and with fifteen minutes remaining until the show started, My friends and I decided to head over to The Fillmore. Once inside, we realized that were probably the youngest people there.

-decided repeated twice...it would sound better if you use another word imho

The ending line is really nice and sums it all up.
Good Luck!
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "In Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital" - JHU supplement [10]

Please be harsh and tell me what you think.
I have 350 words, What can I cut out?

Write a brief essay (250 words maximum each question) in which you respond to the following questions. (Freshman applicants only):

1.Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I'm lying on my bamboo bed looking at the bright pink celling of my attic, reminding myself to paint it dark blue this weekend. I imagine what a different feeling it would give my room. A new, exciting bold look. My mind then drifts off to the future. I imagine myself in five, ten, fifteen years. Where am I? What am I doing? Am I happy? Am I proud of what I'm doing? Of what I am accomplishing? Am I married, a mother, still single? How many things have I checked off my "to do before I die" list? Have I got my pilot license yet? Been jet skiing, climbed mt. Kilimanjaro?

In moments like these I envision all sorts of possibilities. I'm in Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital, volunteering at a women's clinic, spreading awareness of HIV/AIDS with a NGO. Somehow, there are always common elements to my visions. I end up imagining my self in a foreign country, (unfortunately still single), definitely happy and proud of what I'm accomplishing, working with underprivileged people. With an enthusiasm for traveling and yearn for experiencing diverse cultures first-hand, I picture myself in a local area, working with a NGO in a health-related mission.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted to go into the field of health. I was the head surgeon to my toy animals, the nurse to my brothers and the girl with the cutest first aid kit on camping trips. This is why I am pursuing a degree in public health. Reading about the internship with a local NGO whilst studying abroad in Cape Town made this course even more desirable. It is tailored to my every interest! Going to the US for the first time, living and studying in JHU, and working in South Africa will definitely allow me to experience new cultures. The top-notch education at JHU, new challenges, and growing collection of memories will add to my wealth of experiences. And as a bonus I can check off two more things from my "to do before I die" list: Live in the famous US whilst studying at the prestigious JHU, and working in South Africa.
Nov 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "underprivileged children around the world" - Seton Hall university [3]

To get to success, there will be many things which would need to be sacrificed, but sacrificing these little things would pay the price for what I wanted.

What things did you sacrifice? How? The reader will be interested to know how you overcame this.
Nov 12, 2010
Graduate / "The components of medicine" - Personal Statement - Medical School [3]

I was really interested in what you had to say, and after reading the 1st paragraph, wanted to read on! I think it's effective in conveying how your interest first started although I think it could have flown a bit smoother.

Good luck!!

please give me feedback on mine!!
Nov 6, 2010
Undergraduate / (volunteering) COMMON APP -- General Essay, significant achievement, risk [4]

During my time there I met tons of interesting people
the word "tons" does not really fit into the sentence, change it to many , and change the many in
"many of whom I still consider friends" to something else? It might sound better, but hey, it's just my opinion.
Nov 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Interest in Medicine/Rutgers Essay [5]

You say your interest in medicine ended when you were 13, but you still carried on working at the hospital and taking up a nursing course?? A bit contradicting, no?
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "First Time; she looks just like you" - significant Essay for University of Miami [6]

Looking back, I realize if I didn't go through with meeting my father that I would be unfortunate because he's helped me through lots of hard situations in my life.

what hard situations?? give examples and elaborate a bit

the ending is slightly contradictory to the beginning, no?
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "My father: my friend and advisor" - a person who had a significant influence on you [5]

Although sometimes I wish my mother were here but I know my father tries his very best to be my mother and at the same time my father.

Should be:
Although sometimes I wish my mother were here, I know my father tries his very best in being my mother and father at the same time.

Try to use more sophisticated vocab??
but nice idea/context!!

please read my thread and tell me what you think of my essay!!