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Posts by Ngozi93
Joined: Oct 26, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 30  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 33
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Ngozi93   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "unique environment" - Why Yale? Short Answer [7]

hey i love the idea of your short answer but i think its less specific and more general. Simply I think you should have one focus when it comes writing why you want to apply there. If their environment is the number one reason why you want to apply then maybe you should elaboarte more on that and the weather there and write it in creative way. However if you aren't able to do that then write about something that yale can only offer such as a program or research facility, and describe why that appeals to you so much that you want to apply because of it. Hope that helps..:)

hey can you give me feedback on my columbia essay
Ngozi93   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "My biggest blunder; cutting down the wrong tree"- Common app essay [10]

Hey i absolutely love your essay. Also i love the fact that you use a unique appraoch to write your essay which very well written. Simply I drawn from beginning to end and i really didn't notice any errors. I absolutely loved it!!!:)

hey by the way for my columbia essay what did you mean by make it more about the school?
Ngozi93   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "You're not dying" - My curiosity -- Common App Essay [5]

or i think you should qrite an essay about your grandparents in a way you truly feel comfortable writing. However if you would like to write two essays about them you can but my suggestion to you is to write it in a way you think is best.
Ngozi93   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Looking on objectively - Common app essay [10]

i love the idea of your essay but i didn't like the fact that you asked so many rethorical questions that after awhile it just drain your essay and made it bland. Also is this suppose to be a personal statement, if so it should more story like and focus on one thing describe more vivdly and with more details its impact on you.
Ngozi93   
Dec 26, 2010
Graduate / My own recommendation letter for Master of Science in administrative studies [5]

Everything is fine except the response for question four. Simply think of a more relaistic weakness you have. Such as time management , organization, and etc. also if your going to elaborate more on strength then you must do the same for your weakness and mention your improvement.
Ngozi93   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "a student suitable for a large university" - BU supplement. Too offensive? [4]

Honestly I agree with your sister because this come accross to me as less serious and more of a joke. In my opinion I think your trying to hard when it comes to wanting to win over the readers. Simply just keep this essay on one focus and write about one important goal you have that you wish to accomplish. And explain more as to why you want to accomplish that goal at Boston University. There's a reason why the question ask Given what you know about Boston University, what do you hope to accomplish as an undergraduate here ? not what are the things you hope to accomplish....
Ngozi93   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "pre-destined to pursuing a career in medicine" - Why I want to be a doctor? [6]

i love the story but i think you should explain more in detail about the event (sudan) in like a stroy form or some sort and in the end describe how it further your drive to want to become a doctor. Also in the beginning I feel as though is cliche because it seems like words I've read before. Just start off your story with the sentence a strang phone call...thus immediately grabbing the reader's attention. Also if you can elaborate more on either your visit to sudan or your mother telling you about your grandmother's death in childbirth. Simply I would go with your mother telling you the news and how you felt at time. By the way I love the ending.

A strange phone call from Sudan, at 1:00 a.m. had brought with it bad news. As I ran down stairs, I heard my father's voice on the phone. My mother's cousin had passed away in childbirth.

As I sat next to my mother, comforting her, she recalled her own mother's death in childbirth. I began to weep, feeling the burden and grief my mother was enduring. ( simply elaborate more on your emotions and how you felt at the time) For the next couple of days, I began to research maternal mortality in Sudan; the issue had been plaguing my mind. The statistics were baffling and the reasons were simply outrageous. ( Simply describe more in detail about you reading the information you found on sudan. For instance descrie how it made you upset and how somehow it further your drive to want to become a doctor)
Ngozi93   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "my parents were truly disappointed in me" - Common Application Essay [4]

Hey I love the idea of your essay and it definitely have the potential to be great. However it can go two ways, is either you talk about your friend or your parents. I think you should talk more about your friend and his passing. Simply focus on that one thing and describe the impact it had on you. Also mention how he or she inspired you to want to do better in school if you can if not then its okay as well. Also describing your parents about being disappointed in you seems to me as cliche because I bet alot of other applicants are writng the same. My advice is to start off with a story or dialgue if you must between your friend and you or you can just talk about how you two met and grew up with each other. And in the end describe your emotions you had when he passed away and reflecting back on it now. ( its important to make your story vivid and descriptive)

hey sorry for your lost....
Ngozi93   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "No money for you!"- Columbia Supplement [6]

hey i love your essay but i think you should specify more on how the program will help to further your drive and why your interested in the program and its possible impact on you.

hey thanks but um how is it shallow?
Ngozi93   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "engineering is used to create solutions to problems" - Why CMU Essay [4]

I think you should elaborate more on the summer camp you went to and how you was a camper who loved video games. After going to the camp you came to realize that your love for video games can also go along with studying computer/science engineer. You should mention a story on that and how it impacted you tofurther your drive to want to study in commputer science. ALso is important for your essay to have one focus and the ending to me seem like is being rushed a little. So elaborate more on the events that happened at one summer camp and at the end mention why you want to go to their school and what unique program they have that you'll love to join and why.

Also is this suppose to be a personal statement? if so it should be more story like
Ngozi93   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "the most rigorous curriculums in the nation" Uni Chicago-Why I would love to attend [6]

You should elaborate more on the classes you'll love to take and how their teaching style will best suits you. And mention a program you'll love to be in that they only have that can best help you to become better student. The community part of your essay is great.

hey my essay prompt is this:What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? Please limit your response to the space provided.
Ngozi93   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "You're not dying" - My curiosity -- Common App Essay [5]

I love your beginning but the part when you mention your grandmother taking you to the bookstore, I think you should elaborate more on that. As in describe how you felt while she was reading the book to you and its impact to you. Also maybe you can also talk more about your way to the bookstore with your grandmother and how you felt at the time. And somehow end your story with your grandmother finish reading you the story and your feelings then. Also I think the bangs part isn't needed in my opinion. If anything I believe you can write a great story thats mainly about you and your grandmother and have one focus and setting. :)

hey can you read my yale essay and tell me what you think?
Ngozi93   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences and Engineering, Johns Hopkins Short Answer [4]

I absolutely love your essay but I agree with greensept375 about elaborating on the idea as to why you want to become a doctor. You could probably mention an event that truly further your drive or inspire you to want to someday be a doctor.

hey can you check my yale essay:)
Ngozi93   
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "my little sister, Nayori" - a person who has had influence on you [4]

I love your essay but I think you should start each of your pragraph as more interesting as in something that would want the reader to continue to read your essay. Maybe you can include some type of dialog you had with the person who influence and also I love the last sentence.
Ngozi93   
Dec 16, 2010
Undergraduate / The Big Mac Complex - Yale Supplementary Essay [5]

hey i love this essay. I think that you perfectly conveyed who you truly were all throughout your essay. Simply without a doubt I highly recommend you use your essay for yale and as a common app essay. Also i love it how you stuck with one focus and each of your paragraphs are very intriguing and strongly written:)

hey by the way i edited my essay, can you tell me what you think of it....
Ngozi93   
Dec 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "The biology program in the College of Arts and Sciences" - my Cornell essay [4]

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

I remember when I was nine years old my mother told me that I had a twin brother. Instantly, I was shocked and thrilled and started to ask her many questions. While I was talking I came to realize that my mother did not say a word. When I finally looked up at her, I saw how red and puffy her eyes were. She closed her eyes and within seconds tears started to fall down her cheeks. Instinctively, I wiped away her sorrow and wondered what I could have possibly asked to make her feel gloomy. When she finally told me that my twin brother had passed away years ago, a feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me. This incident made me want to become a doctor one day to save the people around me lives and not have anyone experience the pain in losing the loved one my family and I did.

Thus the college that I would like to attend at Cornell is the College of Arts and Sciences. The reason why is because the school offer the major that I would like to pursue which is biology. Hopefully as an undergraduate at your school I would love to join the Biology Scholars program because the study group sessions it offers will help me personally to excel in my academics. One of the things I will be able to benefit from while being in the program is being able to interpret more of the science literature. Thus the reading of Science will become less confusing to me and more like a second language. Also since your program is available to only twenty students, if I tend to be one them I'll be able to learn more by being able to ask for help more sufficiently.

As a future college bound student, Cornell will allow me to open up my horizons and experience new things in meeting people that reflects true diversity. With its wide research facilities I will have no problem in learning newly found surgeries, cures and diseases in order to help aid me to become a successful medical student. Cornell University is the school that best suit my learning styles and can help me to fulfill my interests. I simply believe Biology is where my heart is and Cornell is the beat that makes it alive.
Ngozi93   
Dec 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Discuss some issue of; the infamous term "wikileaks" and Freedom [4]

Well for starters I think you shorten up the essay a bit more. Also ask less retheorical questions and try more to get your points across and describe in some way who are as a person. My advice to is to have each of your paragraphs be strongly written and write an essay that can draw your reader's attention makeing them want to read everything.
Ngozi93   
Dec 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts "let your life speak" essay; "raised in a bubble" [3]

I love this paragraph but in my opinion I think you should stick with one concept. Also focus on something that impacted you while you grew up. Is best to talk more about yourself and how you've change for the greater good or matured
Ngozi93   
Dec 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "engineering is used to create solutions to problems" - Why CMU Essay [4]

I feel like your essay definitely have the potential to be amazing but one of the things i didn't like was its beginning. Simply you should change it and somehow captivate the reader with an event in your life that somehow influenced you. ALso you should defintely end strongly and never in a essay a specially to a college should you write "i already stated". Your essay need more details and a simple focus.
Ngozi93   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Describe your relationship with your siblings (my sister) [4]

I feel this story definitely have potential to be amazing. I also agree with Oleh how you should mention the feelings you felt about your siblings and how they make you feel. Also it would be best to mention some sort of short story that's relates to the key factors your trying to convey within your story in order to grab a reader's attention.
Ngozi93   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Im at a loss of words for an opening, any suggestions on where to begin? MSU APP [3]

My advice is to start with plot and feelings you had while being in some sort of academic program. Also mention how it somehow further your drive to do better in school. Also write about the things you've learned and gained while being in the program and how you'll be able to contriute those things to the univesity.
Ngozi93   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "When the ride finally moved..." - write about your last two summers [4]

"Wake up sleepy head," my mom said as she pulled one of my bed sheets off of me.
"But mom it's five o'clock in the morning," I whined.
"Fine stay at home and not go to the amusement park today" my mom said. Immediately I became so excited that I jumped up and down not caring that my bed had a lose spring in it. Simply I ran into my mother and had an adrenaline rush and felt like a bodybuilder picking her up inches from the ground giving her a bear hug.

"You're the best," I said blissfully.
"Yeah I know, now get ready and meet us downstairs," my mom said.
After getting ready I made sure everything I needed was packed. As soon as I walked outside I felt the cold wind wrap around my skin making me shiver. I ran quickly to the car to meet my family who were already inside waiting for me.

"Hey what was taking you so long?" my brother asked impatiently.
I rolled my eyes at my brother and sat down inside. While my mom drove away, I drifted off to sleep.
After awhile I woke up to the sound of drivers honking their horns. "Are we there yet?" I ask my mom.
"No but were almost there" my mom said.
I looked out the window to see where we were. Instantly I became exuberant when I saw that we were just inches away from Six Flags. When we finally arrived I opened the door quickly to step outside until my brother grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back in.

"Hold on I have something to give you," my brother said. He hands me his lucky penny.
"What's this for?" I asked.
"For courage so you won't chicken out like last time," my brother chuckled.
His words caused me to remember the last summer when we were at Six Flags. While we waited in line to ride the Kingda Ka I saw the group before us get on the ride. After seeing them go up the hill, I no longer felt fearful until their screams echoed within the air around me.

"I bet you five bucks that today I will get on the ride," I said as I stuck my hand out for a handshake.

"Deal," my brother said as he shook my hand.
While we were on the roller coaster, I secretly pulled out the lucky penny to feel it within my hands. After doing so, I became strong willed to win the bet I made against my brother. As soon as the ride started, I felt like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

"What's wrong, you scared?" my brother asked in a baby voice.
"No but I uh just ate a hotdog so I think I'm going to go," I said as I tried to get up from my seat.

Without having the chance to leave, the ride started. Within a matter of seconds I was at high incline anticipating the drop of the ride. When the ride finally moved over the hill, I closed my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs.
Ngozi93   
Dec 3, 2010
Undergraduate / "an enthusiastic person interested in many activities' - upenn Arts and Science [3]

i think it will be best for you to start off your essay with a story that explains you being involve in one your clubs. Then in someway incorporate a program your interested to join at upenn. Basically just be straightforward and tell why you want to join one of their clubs and how you can contribute to their community qithin the essay. Also is best to talk about one club so your essay is focus on one thing which makes it more specific than general.
Ngozi93   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "an excellent medical program and student body" - Personal Statement-UIC [3]

This is a great paragraph but I think you should incoprate more of littles stories that describes more to why you wanted to become a doctor. As of now I just see you telling more than showing. Try to use examples some type of experience in your life that have cause you to feel so strongly about being a doctor. If you can, try to go a little bit more in depth with your surgery story by explaining how the surgery cause you to have a different outlook on life.
Ngozi93   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / If TUFTS was a book - Why Tufts essay [5]

the idea of it is great but try to incorporate in some way your interests in the school rather than comparing tufts to a magazine, describe in a way what you find most appealing about tufts and how your a good fit and explain some parts of you within it.
Ngozi93   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "producing and editing videos, Yearbook club" -which specific program essay For UPENN [2]

UPenn

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

Throughout my high school years at technology high school, I haven't had much of a passion or interest in anything. I was a person who didn't know what it meant to put your best efforts into something you truly loved. This all had changed when, during my junior year, I was given an assignment by my web design teacher to create a resume video for an upcoming project fair. Since the project was given before spring break, I didn't think much of it and decided to be optimistic about it.

While making the video, I discovered that I had found passion for something in life which was producing. Producing and editing a video into its final product is something that I truly enjoy to do. The reason why is because in the end, I know that the video's storyline had been developed on what I felt at the time which show parts to who I am. The result of my project video had reflected not only my personality but also the hard work I put into it. During the creation, I felt as though I was giving birth to something that both needed my creativity and time to make it brilliant and unique. The video became a part of me.

When the time came to showcase my resume video, I was given positive reviews. When people recall was "Wow that was great," I felt indescribable. To have knowledge that people can appreciate a passion artistically that had been newly found makes me exuberant. At first I was a quiet person who rarely spoke her mind, until I came to making videos. It helped to become a social butterfly that is outgoing in a variety of situations. This experience has inspired me to strive and become dedicated to any decision I make.

Even though producing and editing videos makes me feel happy on the inside and out, I still wouldn't choose it as a major in college. It would only be safe to say that video making is something that I will always consider to be a hobby. I would rather major in biology because I enjoy every form of science. I love the way you can break down an equation and there are endless terms to be learned.

If accepted into your institution I would continue my involvement in UPenn's Yearbook club. Not only have I met wonderful people through video making, but also I learned more about myself as a person. It has helped me to become more creative and taught me how to step outside the box. Like any other producer would say, the best part about it is the cast because they make the production fun.
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