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Posts by hvthoteen
Joined: May 31, 2011
Last Post: Nov 4, 2012
Threads: 16
Posts: 44  
Likes: 4
From: Viet Nam

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hvthoteen   
Nov 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend? [7]

i agree with dumi that dzung tends to write long sentences, which leads to some grammar mistakes
"For instance, taking an eco-friendly vehicle to work or travel, doing exercises regularly at least three times a week for twenty minutes and making a daily schedule in which breaks are involved."

this sentence is long but it's easy to see that it is not a complete sentence
hvthoteen   
Nov 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'improvement of education' - change something in your hometown [5]

"Changing always takes a place in our life"
--> Change always takes place in our lives

"There is some significant change may lead to improve our life"
--> There are some significant changes that may improve our lives

"These reasons are improvement health care, and decreasing the illiterate effect."
--> The major reasons are health care improvement and illiteracy eradication ( parallel structure )

"First foremost" --> First and foremost

"Every year, my government has hired with a foreign nationalities to cover this shortage"
Every year, my government has to hire many foreign doctors to cover this shortage

In the second paragraph, you repeat " improve" "health care" frequently. it is not good in an writing. i think you should replace them with other similar words

"Also, improvement education will help to decrease the illiterate ratio"
--> In addition, education improvement will help decrease the ratio of illiteracy

"The illiterate does not effect on a person only, but also this adversity effect reach to an economy and a generation"
--> illiteracy affects not only one person but also the whole economy

"We can see that, how this change is important to decrees the effects of illiterate."
We can see that how this changes is important to decrease the effects of illiteracy

you make several grammar mistakes
i think that you should practice more ;)
hvthoteen   
Nov 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: PARENTS ARE THE BEST TEACHERS [6]

"And many believes that parents are the best one to teach their than any academic teachers"
---> Many believe that parents are the best ones to teach their children

" I concur to that view, however, there are credible arguments against it."
----->you are making a serious mistake in ielts writing when ambiguously stating your opinion.

"The main argument that contravene to the idea of parents as best teachers is that academic teachers can impart knowledge scientifically and could teach wide variety of subjects effectively"

---> The main argument that contravenes to the idea of parents as the best teachers is that academic teachers can impart knowledge scientifically and teach a variety of subjects effectively.

"The plausible reason to for that is parents know their children better and can reach to them more effectively than school teachers."
--> The most plausible reason is that parents know their children better, and therefore reach them more effectively than school teachers.

"Ironically, school teachers often finds it difficult to reach the students individually in a classroom and thus misses out their psychological and emotional development."

--> Ironically, school teachers often find it difficult to reach students individually in a classroom, and thus miss out their psychological and emotional developmet

When i read the conclusion, it is easy to see that you agree with the statement. However it is very difficult to realise your opinion when reading the introduction and body parts.

So i think the most important thing you should do before writing an ielts essay is to make up your mind, choose a side and list the reasons to support your perspective

This is my opinion ;)
hvthoteen   
Nov 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay severe punishment for traffic offensese [4]

Firstly, i think you should not use " I " or " my " frequently in your essay to make it more objective
Secondly, i think you should state your opinion more clearly. when i read your introduction, i cannot know what are you going to write in body part. it is a little bit vague

Thirdly, your conclusion is too short. you should restate your ideas and conclude. 3 - 4 sentences for the last paragraph is appropriate
I suggest that when you face this kind of topic, it would be much easier to write if you choose to totally agree or disagree then giving reasons

You also make some grammar mistakes such as:
"For example, setting up more stringent driving test to enhance driver's proficiency; propagating potential jeopardy of disobedient to educate public" ---> remember that this is not a full sentence. ielts examiners may think that you are bad at grammar

this is my opinion
p/s: i am trying to write ielts essays too ;)
hvthoteen   
Nov 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TOPIC] - In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled [4]

[IELTS ESSAY]
TOPIC: In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled from their schools and never allowed to return. Many consider this an effective way to educate while others disagree.

Discuss both sides and have your own opinion

In many schools, students are expelled for their poor behaviours. Some people argue that this is a suitable punishment to have a better educational environment. However, it is also disagreed by many others. In this writing, both sides will be analyzed before a conclusion is reached.

On the one hand, tough punishment is crucially important to strengthen principles of schools. For example, when a student is dropped out of school for stealing a mobile phone, there is a great possibility that other bad students will not risk their educational prospect for a similar mistake. This will certainly bring about a better school. Thus, the benefits that come about when misbehaving children cannot continue their study can be seen.

On the other hand, education is significantly crucial for anyone's future. The fact is that e person's social status is best enhanced with high educational level. Whereas, students that are expelled from school usually end up with crimes and drugs. Therefore, it is reasonable that children should not be out of school for any reason. In addition to this, students are very young and vulnerable to impulse actions that cause serious consequences. They should be forgived and educated with an effective method instead of being pushed into a risky society at such an early age.

As the above illustrates, the punishment of forcing poor students out of school leads to a more self-disciplined environment among students. However, the detrimental ramifications seem to outweigh the benefits. Such excecution negatively affects the students and the society as a whole. It is hoped that all schools will give bad children more chances to correct their mistakes.
hvthoteen   
Nov 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : How is your generation different from your parent's generation [6]

in the open paragraph, it will be better if you mention the main differences between your and your father's generation, the essay will be easier to follow

at the end of each paragraph in body part, i think you should have a short sentence to conclude or restate the idea
in general, your writing is pretty good ;)
hvthoteen   
Nov 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS examination; Adults and adolescents have many differences [5]

i think the way you state the problem is a little bit confusing
this maybe better: the major differences among an adult and an adolescent are about their responsibily, seriousness and experience in life.
Also, the first and last paragraphs should not be so short
You also make some basic grammar mistakes
This is my view
hvthoteen   
Aug 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree :People will spend less time on cooking in the future.(for TOEFL) [4]

Give some information on your "2 reasons" in the first paragraph. It would be easier for readers to follow your writing :d

"cook their for themselves"--> cook for themselves

"go to fast food restaurant" --> restaurants ( i think this is merely a typing mistake :d )

"than right now, because with" --> using a comma here seems wrong

"spent on job" --> spent on jobs

"fast food provide people enough energy and there is no need for people to cook."
--> fast food provides people with enough energy, therefore, it is likely that there is no need for people to cook ( i think you should not assert your idea greatly like that :d )

"are improving" --> are being improved

"spend hours to make " --> making

"extreme easy" --> extremely easy

"with updated cooking machine" --> with modern cooking machines

i think your ideas and structure are good, but there are several grammar mistakes :d
hvthoteen   
Aug 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic: The popularity of news media [3]

Topic: The popularity of news media often has significant influence on people' lives. Some people believe that to be a negative development. Do you agree or disagree?

My essay:
Nowadays news media have become more and more popular. Many people consider that the drawbacks of this phenomenon outweigh its merits. However, it is possible that this idea is not completely true. It is widely seen that news media not only brings people entertainment, but also polishes up people' knowledge. Therefore, it seems not unreasonable to suggest that this is a positive development.

First and foremost, today entertainment is easier for people to enjoy than ever before. The fact is that such news media as televisions, radios, or newspapers are bringing many news on entertainment sector from all over the world to everybody. People can sit in front of their televisions and watch whatever they want, from musical concerts to live football match. This is a convenient way of relaxation after hard work. Obviously, the popularity of news media is beneficial to human beings

In addition to this, news media help people broaden their knowledge. It is clearly seen that mass media provide people with a variety of global news on all fields, including political situation, economic change, global warming, and so forth. Hence, there is a strong likelihood that today people are able to know the world better. This is particularly essential when the globalization process has been permeating into all areas of society. Indeed, the fast growth of news media is helpful for people worldwide.

In conclusion, the development of news media has been making great inroads into the lives of all people. It relaxes people with plentiful entertainment news. It enriches people's knowledge with worldwide information. It also positively affects the way people live in many other aspects. Therefore, the progress of news media is an advantageous development.
hvthoteen   
Aug 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / "children should manage their own money at the young age" - TOEFL [4]

"their distinctive background, personal beliefs, emotional concerns and so forth"
--> their distinctive background, personal believes, emotional concerns, and so forth.

"management of children, people who critize argue that"
--> management of children. People who oppose may argue that

"Well, as far as I am concerned, I don't agree with this practice. my conclusion is reached from the following analysis."
--> As far as I am concerned, I do not agree with this practice. My conclusion is reached from the following analyses.

"When they spent money so arbitrarily getting what they want, they probably think money is the most useful thing in the world, and more likely, to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are."

-->When they spend money so arbitrarily to get what they want, they probably think that money is the most powerful thing in the world, and are more likely to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are. Also, your idea here is not very clear. What is the effect of showing their wealth.

"it may deprive of the chance to let children become financially responsible adults"
--> it may deprive children of a chance to become financially responsible adults.

Moreover, in the concluding paragraph, you should summarize your main ideas instead of using one sentence like that.
hvthoteen   
Aug 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl: today men only focus attention on meeting their needs for farmlands, housing, or industry [2]

Topic: Some people think that human needs for farmlands, housing, or industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays many animals are on the verge of extinction since their habitats are being destroyed by mankind. This fact is enormously serious. It can lead to a loss in biodiversity and a decrease in a precious medicine supply for human beings. These are the reasons why I strongly disagree with the idea that men should use land for cultivation, industrialization, or housing rather than save land for endangered species.

First and foremost, biodiversity protection is particularly significant. The fact is that a variety of scientific articles have stressed the importance of saving land for rare animals in protecting the natural environment. If endangered animals do not have suitable habitats, there is the great possibility that they will be extinct. This is certain to cause a decrease in biodiversity and, therefore, result in natural imbalance. Human beings ourselves are the ones who suffer from the severe subsequent effects, such as floods, droughts, or storms. Obviously, saving land to maintain habitats for endangered animals means protecting the lives of other living creatures on earth.

Moreover, human dependence on animals for medicine is great. Many environmentalists assume that in the bodies of many species there are substances which play a pivotal part in some medical treatments. This is the cause why these animals have been being hunted so much that some of them are driven to extinction. If human beings only care about growing crops or developing the economy, there will be no land left for animals to dwell in. Consequently, many animals will disappear forever. This means that many diseases cannot be treated and many patients cannot be cured. Indeed, saving habitats for animals is crucial for mankind.

In conclusion, today men only focus attention on meeting their needs for farmlands, housing, or industry without taking animals habitats protection into consideration. This fact is possible to cause natural imbalance and decrease a precious medicine source for medical treatments. Both of these things are serious. Therefore, it is high time that we human beings changed our minds.
hvthoteen   
Aug 19, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl: Big city and Countryside both have their positives and negatives [3]

Topic: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay

In modern society, parents always confront problems about the growth of their children. Therefore, the question of whether children should be brought up in rural areas rather than in cities has attracted much of their concern. Frankly speaking, it does not seem unreasonable to suggest that the opposite is true. Living in a metropolis brings children not only modern health care facilities but also good educational systems. Both of these things are essential for the development of children.

First and foremost, health care is significantly important to children' growth. The fact is that little children are vulnerable to sickness, such as cough or allergies because they have not fully developed their immune systems. Just a small change in the weather can adversely affect their bodies. If children live in the countryside, where big hospitals are far away from their homes, there is a strong likelihood that many of them only get treatment from doctors when their problems have worsened. On the contrary, quiet different result could be brought about if they live in large cities, whether health care systems are a great deal more superior. Moreover, city-dwelling parents also find it more convenient to bring their children to medical centers to get periodical health checks. Indeed, cities are better for children than the rural areas are.

In addition, educational facilities are crucial for children's future preparation. There can be no doubt that education is among the top priorities when parents choose the places for children to grow up. Therefore, cities are the best choice. In cities, there are many schools with modern equipment, which advantageously influences the way and the speed children absorb information. There are also classes where music, dancing, or sports are taught so that children are not bound to study academic subjects. This brings positive effects on their mental health. These advantages cannot be found in the countryside.

In conclusion, I would concede that living in the countryside has some positive impacts on children. Nevertheless, advanced medical care systems and modern educational facilities strongly convince me that cities are the best places for children to grow up. Children should be brought up there to ensure a bright future.
hvthoteen   
Aug 19, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'simplistic view'; Can petrol price increase impact on pollution? [7]

"However, it rises concerns " --> raises

"From my perspective, I think their view is overly simplistic" --> From my perspective is equivalent to i think :d

And i think your introductory paragraph is not very clear in what you will present in the next paragraphs

"thus the price of petrol could be lower in the future" --> many experts do not think so :))
and i think if they have money to buy 3 cars, money spent on fuel seems not to affect their decision :d so your idea in this para is not very reasonable

also, "they may consider about that price of purchasing additionally for more time" ---> i cannot understand this clause

"On the other hand, the development of automobile industry could be restrained as well as the employments offered by it, which could have negative effects on economy"

--> On the other hand, the development of automobile industry could be restrained, which leads to more unemployment in the field and adversely affects the global economy.

"From my mind, I think" --> the reason is above

"individuals had to pay much more" --> will have to pay. also your idea here seems confusing

"the people should be encouraged to use electric car to reduce the car emissions "
---> people should be encouraged to use fuel-efficient vehicles to reduce greenhouse gas emissions

Good luck!
hvthoteen   
Aug 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl topic: Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways [NEW]

Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways) . Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay

Nowadays transportation has attracted much social concern. Whether governments should invest more money in traffic infrastructure or focus more on developing public transportation has erupted endless controversy. It does not seem unreasonable to suggest that governments spend more money on buses, trains, and subways investment. Such public vehicles are used to serve a large number of people in society therefore they help alleviate traffic congestion and decrease the amount of carbon released into the air. Both these two things are important.

First and foremost, carbon emission cut is significantly essential for protecting the atmosphere. The fact is that the more cars and motorbikes are on roads, the more seriously the ozone layer is damaged. If governments use more money to improve roads, there is a strong likelihood that more people drive their private cars work. This is sure to lead to more carbon emitted. into the atmosphere, which can cause skin cancer and destroy the natural environment. Whereas, if there are more good buses, trains, or subways, people are inclined to use less private vehicles, which decreases the amount of carbon released . Obviously, the policy that concentrates money on developing public transportation brings an advantageous impact on earth.

In addition, the policy would play a pivotal part in relieving traffic jam. It is quiet clear that traffic congestion is a serious problem in many big cities. The main reason for this issue is that there are a great number of vehicles flowing on roads. In order to tackle the problem, governments have to turn people' attention on public vehicles to reduce cars and motorbikes. There is the possibility that improving roads and highways does not seem to reach the major cause of traffic congestion.

` In conclusion, I would concede that high-quality roads and highways make it easier to move around. Nevertheless, public transportation systems even have more important advantages. They not only ease traffic jam but also protect the atmosphere. That is why many governments around the world invest more money on developing public transportation facilities.
hvthoteen   
Aug 12, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic: 'peaceful atmosphere' - Some people prefer to live in a small town. [3]

Topic: Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

My essay:

Many people believe that the life in a major metropolis is convenient and interesting. Personally, however, I am in favor of living in a small town. The atmosphere in suburban area brings me peaceful feeling. Moreover, people there are very friendly. Finally, the environmental is greener than in cities. That is why I love enjoying my life in a small town.

First and foremost, peaceful atmosphere is attractive. It is clearly seen that people in large cities face annoying noise and dirty air emitted from vehicles almost everyday. This is likely to adversely affect their mental health. Meanwhile, lives small towns are great deal more quiet and the air is always fresh. These features make a suburban town the paradise for people who want to escape from suffocating lives in major cities.

Secondly, people in small towns are always friendly. In my experience, many people in urban areas even do not know the names of their neighbors. It is contrary in small town life, where people are ready to help whenever their neighbors are in need. The relationship among them can be so close that they usually attend the birthday party of one of their neighboring people. The affection from people around brings me cozy feeling on my birthday when I live away from my family.

Finally, the green environment in small towns interests me. It seems to me that there are more trees and lakes in towns than in cities. It is wonderful that I get up early in the morning and take a walk in such a green place. The urban environment, however, is so artificial with only buildings and vehicles. I can not adapt myself to such an environment.

In conclusion, I would concede that city life has its own advantages. Nonetheless, peaceful atmosphere, friendliness of people, and green landscape strongly convince me that a small town is the best place for me to live in. I love the life in my town.
hvthoteen   
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / More and more village workers are not deciding to live in the city and travel in work [3]

"a tremendous number of workers numbers of people is escaping from countryside to urban areas" --> a tremendous number of workers are leaving countryside to urban areas

"This massive transition on daily basis" --> this phrase seems not to have a clear meaning

"I think, in order to overcome these, and following steps should be taken" --> i think the following steps should be taken to solve or at least relieve these problems

One important thing is that you should add your " following steps" to the first paragraph to guide the readers

"Take charity firms for instance, in my country there are thousands of these organizations, who" --> taking charity organizations for instance, in my country, there are thousands of these, which ...

"travel to country" --> travel to big cities

"This would facilities" --> this would facilitate

"overall there will be less number of vehicles on roads, and could less likely impact on environment" --> There will be less vehicles on roads, and less adverse impacts on the environment

"prevent people to move" ---> prevent people from moving

"This would not only lead to increase in job opportunities but would enable to get more"
---> This would not only lead to an increase in job opportunities but also enable people to get more

"Also, by expanding businesses in these areas would hinder them to move" --> In addition, expanding business in these areas would hinder them from moving

I think the way you show your idea in the fourth paragraph is not suitable

Finally, your writing just focus on alleviating traffic congestion and nearly forget environmental issue. Just give more details about how your suggestions help relieve environmental problems.
hvthoteen   
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should the youngsters have part-time jobs? [3]

"debate that if a kid should" --> debate over whether a kid should

In the first paragraph, you should add your main reasons for your statement

"it is our very nature" --> it is in our very nature

"purchasing new staffs constantly" --> i do not understand what you are writing :d

I feel that writing sentences is not your problem. However, the sentences you write do not clearly show your ideas. That is why i find it difficult to follow your essay

That is my view :)
hvthoteen   
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / students should live at home with their parents or should live at school. Discuss. [2]

"Both sides seem to have some elements of truth that need to be discussed in detail" --> I think this sentence is not very suitable. Here can be an example: Living at each place has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Moreover, you should include your main ideas in the introductory paragraph.

"The popular wisdom for choosing the boarding school involves the recognition that students who spend most of their time at home are restrictive in terms of independency and perceptions of life" In my opinion, this sentence is a bit weird.

"children cannot possibly" --> you should not use possibly here

And a paragraph should not be merely a sentence

In general, your way of writing sentences sometimes confuse the readers :d
hvthoteen   
Aug 9, 2011
Writing Feedback / Tofle topic: a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near you [NEW]

Topic: a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Essay:
Building a new factory is possible to change a community in various ways. It can create jobs to decrease the unemployment rate. As a result, it will boost the local economy and ease some social problems. Even so, the detrimental repercussions outweigh the benefits. Noise and pollution is likely to disturb the normal lives of local residents. That is why I oppose the plan to put a large factory near my community.

Above all, everybody would concede that jobs creation is important to a community. It is widely seen that that erecting a large factory leads to many vacant jobs, which is likely to reduce the number of unemployed people. This change is certain to ameliorate living condition of many people. Moreover, a fall in unemployment is sure to alleviate some social problems such as drug addiction and violence because when there are more people working, there are less people involved in such problems, By and large, the factory seems to bring the community some advantages.

However, adverse effects, including noise and pollution, are enormously serious. The fact is that a factory always comes along with much noise. That is annoying to the residents and especially harmful to the elderly people. My community is familiar with the peaceful atmosphere for a long time so it is difficult for them to adapt to the change. In addition, pollution is almost inevitable. Smog, dust, and other pollutants are able to destroy the present clean environment and to badly affect people's health. More seriously, negative influence on groundwater can cause many waterborne diseases. Indeed, the appearance of a new factory brings a variety of problems to my community.

In conclusion, it cannot be denied that the plan to build a factory near my community will improve the local economy and relieve some problems of the society. Nonetheless, its disadvantageous affections are possible to change my town into a noisy and polluted place. Therefore, I object to building the factory. There is a likelihood that no local resident would support this plan.
hvthoteen   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / If child wants to do well in school, parents should limit the hours wasted on TV? [2]

Although i am not sure how to write this type of topic, i think your way of organizing main ideas in 3 body paragraphs is good.

However, there are some mistakes that you should fix

Include your 3 main ideas in the first paragraph to guide the readers

"make the effort" --> make an effort

"which similarly distract him from his study and actually consumed more time" --> , which similarly distracts him from his study and actually consumes more time

"scratch the surface" --> scratching the surface

"Since limiting the hours that a child spends on watching TV is only a superficial solution and may not be effective, I think that comprehensively improve the teaching quality would be a radical way to make students do well at school" --> this sentence is too long and confusing. Moreover, the second clause is wrong in grammar

"schools hold more outdoor activities" --> schools held more outdoors activities

That is all
hvthoteen   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / Modern technology can replace museums and art galleries agree or disagree? [2]

"replace many area" --> replace many areas

"also can instead of museums " instead is not a verb

"can not be replaced forever" it is not clear here

Moreover, you should include specific reasons for your disagreement in the introductory paragraph

"realistic feeling to audience" --> realistic feelings to audiences

"electrical screen effects people" --> electrical screen has detrimental effects on

"Therefore, museums and art galleries can not disappear because it is not beneficial that viewing exhibitions on the televisions." I think the use of therefore and because in one sentence is not very suitable

"can not be disappeared" --> cannot disappear

"In spite of " --> although

Good luck !
hvthoteen   
Aug 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS--Solve traffic and housing problems by moving companies to the rural areas? [3]

your grammar and vocabulary are so impressive. There are many phrases and new words useful to me.

However, i think the structure should be fixed

In the first paragraph, you have mentioned some urban problems such as urban housing crisis and traffic congestion. This is good. However, it is more important to include the specific reasons why you disapprove, of which your writing lacks. Let's see you only say "for it cannot alter the situation essentially and instead it may give rise to new concerns in rural areas"

This is unclear.

Moreover, i think your second paragraph is not very suitable. You should focus on your reasons . Just briefly talk about the advantages in the introductory or conclusion paragraphs.

One small thing, the conclusion should not be so short D:

I think if you can fix this mistakes, your essay will be nearly perfect :)
hvthoteen   
Aug 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / I would concede that knowledge from books is widely accepted - Ielts topic [3]

It has been said that, "Not everything that is learned is contained in books". Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience and knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

The differences between knowledge from books and from experience have erupted endless controversy. Various ideas and preferences have been presented. The purpose of my writing is to deeply discuss these sources of knowledge in two important aspects: accuracy and practicability, and to show my greater interest in knowledge accumulated from experience.

First and foremost, the accuracy of knowledge is crucially important. It is apparent that books are often written by professors, experts, or authorities in a variety of fields. Therefore, knowledge acquired from books is greatly accepted, which means that it is right to the bulk of people. Meanwhile, knowledge from experience seems a little different from information contained in books. To cite an example, it is common in books that water boils at 100 Celcius degree. However, the result is not always the same in reality because it also depends on the height, the purity of the water, and even the measuring tool. By and large, each source of knowledge has its own accuracy rate.

Next, the practicability is one of the most essential factors of knowledge. In my experience, information contained in books is usually put in criteria so that many people can read and understand the content. Consequently, it is difficult to apply knowledge from books into practice. Whereas, it is easy to put knowledge from experience in real life because it is acquired from what have happened to them. For instance, a student decides to learn about chemical reactions from books. This method is likely to be fast, simple, and even safe. Nevertheless, there is an increased likelihood that he neither remembers the necessary information for a long time nor knows how to do an make an experiment. Meanwhile, if he goes to the library and carries out the reactions, he is certain to have a thorough grasp of the phenomena seen. He is also able to use this information for the next times. Indeed, knowledge from experience helps people more than knowledge from books does.

In conclusion, I would concede that knowledge from books is widely accepted. However, I consider knowledge from experience as the more important source because of its negative impacts on real life. Experiencing a thing and drawing information from it is really interesting and helpful.
hvthoteen   
Aug 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Music is a well-received art form" - IELTS - Music [3]

in the introductory paragraph, you do not mention that you will also discuss about "Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?"

Moreover, your ideas in the third paragraph seem irrelevant because the question focus on the importance of traditional music compared with international music
That is my opinion
hvthoteen   
Aug 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl: "health improvement and time-saving" food has become easier to prepare... [3]

Toefl topic: Nowadays food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Whether easier ways to prepare food improves people's lives or not is a hotly debated topic. Numerous ideas have been demonstrated. From my perspective, people benefit when food is more convenient to cook because this change not only increase people's health, but also save them more time.

First and foremost, health improvement is essential for a good life. The fact is that there are now modern appliances in the kitchen so that people are possible to prepare food in an easy way, which leads them to cook several types of food with a great deal of nutrition. A meal with more nutritious food is likely to provide children with necessary substances to boost their immune system, adults with enough energy to work, and elderly people with suitable materials to maintain stable health. Moreover, nutrition in food remains almost unchanged in a certain amount of time with the help from advanced preservation methods. This progress is sure to decrease diseases related to leftover food. Indeed, the change in making food helps increase people's health.

In addition, time-saving is crucially important in a modern society. It is apparent that the life today is fast, which means that people tend to have less time to cook. However, this is no longer a serious problem because there have appeared new tools, devices, and effective recipes that allow people to prepare food in a short time. With time saved, people can concentrate on their jobs to raise working efficiency. For many, especially women, having more time helps them care for their children and families better. Without any doubt, convenient food preparation helps people a lot by saving them more time.

In conclusion, both health improvement and time-saving strongly convinces me that easier process to cook food has positive impacts on people's way of living. The progress not only makes people healthier, but also brings them more time in a busy society. All of these advantages are valuable.
hvthoteen   
Jul 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic:Some people say that physical exercises should be a required part [2]

Topic:Some people say that physical exercises should be a required part of every school day. Others believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which do you agree with?

Essay:

Whether students should be required to do physical exercises every school day or they should just focus on studying academic subjects is a hotly debated topic. Different people possess their different reasons for their different choices. From my perspective, physical exercises need to be included in school day curriculum because they not only increase the health of students, but also improve their study efficiency.

First and foremost, health improvement is crucially important to students. It is the fact that doing exercises regularly will better the physical condition of everybody, especially high school students. Today, many students tend to play games or watch movies rather than take part in physical activities. If the exercises are required at school, students all benefit because they do exercises almost everyday. Physical practice also makes students a great deal more comfortable after tense hours at academic classes, which is mentally good. It is common that parents expect their children to learn well. This sometimes leads to unnecessary pressure on students. With sport activities at school, students can refresh their mind and relax themselves. Indeed, physical exercises as a required part of school day has advantageous impacts on students' health.

Next, high study efficiency is the goal of almost every student. Many people agree that study motivation is important. If students only concentrate on studying at class all day long, they certainly feel tired of listening to the teachers or answering questions on textbooks. Meanwhile, if students do exercises at school, they possibly feel a lot more comfortable and active. Consequently, they are motivated to perform better. Moreover, connection among students helps them learn more. While taking part in physical exercises at school, students have the opportunity to talk more with one another about hobbies and interests instead of making a discussion over a homework or an academic topic. This brings them closer. As a result, they are likely to study better together. Personally, I strongly believe that physical exercises help students improve their study.

In conclusion, I think physical exercises should be added to every school day curriculum. The exercises not only increase students' health, but also develop their study efficiency. I believe that many students share the same opinion with me.
hvthoteen   
Jul 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL, The best things in life do not cost money, agree or disagree [9]

"like buying a house and educational tuitions, as well as paying taxes on time": this is not parallel. You should use gerunds only.

"But, the aroused question it is that whether the best things in life cost money or not."--> However, the aroused question is whether the best things in life cost money or not ?

"There are some reasons due to my preference that are mentioned below"
--> reasons for my preference.In this case, the word "that" means "reasons",but the position is wrong. Moreover, you should show your main reasons before ending the introductory paragraph.

"Growing technology in the world tends people to be busier with earning money"--> tends to make people busier ...

"According to the psychologist, money is the first priority for many people nowadays, and this issue makes them be greedy"
--> According to psychologists, nowadays, money is the first priority for many people, which makes them a great deal more greedy.

"who immerse themselves in making money, have a psychological disorder, and that is due to not being satisfied from their life"
--> who immerse themselves in making money have a psychological disorder because they are not satisfied with their lives. This sentence is true in grammar but the argument is not very persuasive :d

"The psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problem, and by becoming a rich man they want to pretend being a successful one"

---> Psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problems. By becoming a rich man, they want to pretend to be a successful one.

Note: i fix this sentence in grammar aspect. However, i do not understand your idea :d

"Sometime, it is necessary to look back in our life and estimate what have higher preference in our life."
---> Sometimes, it is necessary to look back and estimate what has higher preference in our lives.

I think your first paragraph lacks a topic sentence. Moreover, it seems to be irrelevant.

"Although expenditures can creates stress, enough money will never make you relaxed." This sentence is not very clear :d

"How much the kindness of a mother cost?"
---> How much does the kindness of a mother cost ?

"makes "--> make

"However money is necessary in our life, it can never be replaced of love and kindness in our life."
--->Although money is necessary, it can never replace love and kindness in our life.

I advise that you should have a look at the structure of toefl essay and improve your grammar :d
hvthoteen   
Jul 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / TELTS-- traditional ideas help teenagers for promising future? [2]

"Thinking twice before action as well as paying more attention to words are some treasures in traditional thinking and behavior, being handed down from one generation to the other."

This sentence is not very clear about which are being handed down from ...
I think you had better use a relative clause.

"ideals" : it is merely a typing mistake, isn't it? :d

"Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring"

i think you should have used mentioned ancestors, parents, or grandparents before use "offspring". You can use the young generation instead. Also, who does "we" refer to? This topic focuses on the young generation so the pronoun "we" is not very suitable :D

This sentence can be fixed: "Although some former customs are considered old-fashioned, there are many traditional ways of living useful for the young people."

Moreover, i cannot understand what are you presenting in the second paragraph. There are many problems in this part of your writing.

I think "Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring." is your thesis statement, which shows that you tend to show the advantageous impacts of traditional ideas on the young generation. However, your second paragraph shows the contrary.

"Granted, many concepts of traditional values are no longer compatible with the contemporary society.": This sentence seems to miss a clause.

"Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring."

"Therefore, youngsters may find themselves integrate into the society if they follow as none of companies would be admitted to the employees lack of innovation." This is really a confusing sentence.

Much pressure has been shouldered.

"If being taught of several considerations before taking actions, the wrong behaviors would be avoided." There is no subject in the first clause.

"Further, individual should pay more attention to the word they say in mutual communication. " --> Furthermore, every individual should pay more attention to the words they use to communicate with each other.

"cause intensive relationships which is damaging to working efficiency" --> , which is...

"cooperate with others well."--> cooperate well with others.

"Although the negative side of some traditional concepts still exists, it does not mean that we should discard all and regard it as usefulness in young generations" This sentence is wrong in meaning

"There are quite a few traditional values are of help for the growing of next generation." --> ...values helping in the growth of the next generation

I think you should improve your grammar before practicing writing an essay
hvthoteen   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Your friend has enough money either to go on a holiday or to buy a new [3]

Topic: Your friend has enough money either to go on a holiday or to buy a new bike. Advise him.

At present, my friend, Nam, has sufficient money either to take a holiday or to spend for a new bike. He does not know which to choose. Personally, if i were him, i would go on a holiday for personal enjoyment and self-perfection.

Above all, personal enjoyment is necessary to him. He told me that his parents put enormous pressure on him to gain a scholarship. Although he has achieved the goal, he feels stressed and unhappy. That is the primary reason that i suggest him spending time doing what he wants to do. There are cultural events so he is certain to discover a lot in his favorite field, art and culture. With a holiday, he also has the chance to visit places of interest, which helps refresh his mind and relax himself. Indeed, the holiday will balance his life and make him love the life more.

In addition, self-perfection holds no less importance. I see that he concentrated to much on studying both at class and at home without having time to equip himself with some fundamental living skills. This is possible to have adverse impacts on his life later on. Meanwhile, the holiday is likely to offer him the opportunity to learn how to take care of himself and how to live independently on his parents. He also has more chances to interact with many people from various places. This is sure to ameliorate his communication skills. With no doubt, the holiday is useful to him.

In conclusion, i strongly recommend that Nam should use his money to go on a holiday to enjoy and perfect himself. The holiday not only brings him happiness and entertainment, but also improve some of his living skills. I hope that he would take my advice.
hvthoteen   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'People are envy'; advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need [3]

Let's pay attention to the structure. i think your aim is to write an academic writing for toefl or ielts so you should concentrate on the structure first. An essay has an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. The introductory paragraph must has a thesis statement and supporting details, which you deeply discuss in the body. The body has 2-3 paragraphs, each of which focuses on one supporting detail mentioned above and has a topic sentence. In conclusion, you should restate your main ideas.

I think you should follow this structure when you write :d