Writing Feedback / The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend? [7]

i agree with dumi that dzung tends to write long sentences, which leads to some grammar mistakes
"For instance, taking an eco-friendly vehicle to work or travel, doing exercises regularly at least three times a week for twenty minutes and making a daily schedule in which breaks are involved."

this sentence is long but it's easy to see that it is not a complete sentence

Writing Feedback / 'improvement of education' - change something in your hometown [5]

"Changing always takes a place in our life"
--> Change always takes place in our lives

"There is some significant change may lead to improve our life"
--> There are some significant changes that may improve our lives

"These reasons are improvement health care, and decreasing the illiterate effect."
--> The major reasons are health care improvement and illiteracy eradication ( parallel structure )

"First foremost" --> First and foremost

"Every year, my government has hired with a foreign nationalities to cover this shortage"
Every year, my government has to hire many foreign doctors to cover this shortage

In the second paragraph, you repeat " improve" "health care" frequently. it is not good in an writing. i think you should replace them with other similar words

"Also, improvement education will help to decrease the illiterate ratio"
--> In addition, education improvement will help decrease the ratio of illiteracy

"The illiterate does not effect on a person only, but also this adversity effect reach to an economy and a generation"
--> illiteracy affects not only one person but also the whole economy

"We can see that, how this change is important to decrees the effects of illiterate."
We can see that how this changes is important to decrease the effects of illiteracy

you make several grammar mistakes
i think that you should practice more ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: PARENTS ARE THE BEST TEACHERS [6]

"And many believes that parents are the best one to teach their than any academic teachers"
---> Many believe that parents are the best ones to teach their children

" I concur to that view, however, there are credible arguments against it."
----->you are making a serious mistake in ielts writing when ambiguously stating your opinion.

"The main argument that contravene to the idea of parents as best teachers is that academic teachers can impart knowledge scientifically and could teach wide variety of subjects effectively"

---> The main argument that contravenes to the idea of parents as the best teachers is that academic teachers can impart knowledge scientifically and teach a variety of subjects effectively.

"The plausible reason to for that is parents know their children better and can reach to them more effectively than school teachers."
--> The most plausible reason is that parents know their children better, and therefore reach them more effectively than school teachers.

"Ironically, school teachers often finds it difficult to reach the students individually in a classroom and thus misses out their psychological and emotional development."

--> Ironically, school teachers often find it difficult to reach students individually in a classroom, and thus miss out their psychological and emotional developmet

When i read the conclusion, it is easy to see that you agree with the statement. However it is very difficult to realise your opinion when reading the introduction and body parts.

So i think the most important thing you should do before writing an ielts essay is to make up your mind, choose a side and list the reasons to support your perspective

This is my opinion ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay severe punishment for traffic offensese [4]

Firstly, i think you should not use " I " or " my " frequently in your essay to make it more objective
Secondly, i think you should state your opinion more clearly. when i read your introduction, i cannot know what are you going to write in body part. it is a little bit vague

Thirdly, your conclusion is too short. you should restate your ideas and conclude. 3 - 4 sentences for the last paragraph is appropriate
I suggest that when you face this kind of topic, it would be much easier to write if you choose to totally agree or disagree then giving reasons

You also make some grammar mistakes such as:
"For example, setting up more stringent driving test to enhance driver's proficiency; propagating potential jeopardy of disobedient to educate public" ---> remember that this is not a full sentence. ielts examiners may think that you are bad at grammar

this is my opinion
p/s: i am trying to write ielts essays too ;)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TOPIC] - In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled [4]

Thank you very much for your comment
your introduction is great
i have not tried any ielts writing test yet but i think your skill is pretty good
keep practicing everyday and do not worry ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : How is your generation different from your parent's generation [6]

i rarely see people quote someone in their writing, especially essays written by ietls teachers so i think it should be informal

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : How is your generation different from your parent's generation [6]

in the open paragraph, it will be better if you mention the main differences between your and your father's generation, the essay will be easier to follow

at the end of each paragraph in body part, i think you should have a short sentence to conclude or restate the idea
in general, your writing is pretty good ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS examination; Adults and adolescents have many differences [5]

i think the way you state the problem is a little bit confusing
this maybe better: the major differences among an adult and an adolescent are about their responsibily, seriousness and experience in life.
Also, the first and last paragraphs should not be so short
You also make some basic grammar mistakes
This is my view

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree :People will spend less time on cooking in the future.(for TOEFL) [4]

Give some information on your "2 reasons" in the first paragraph. It would be easier for readers to follow your writing :d

"cook their for themselves"--> cook for themselves

"go to fast food restaurant" --> restaurants ( i think this is merely a typing mistake :d )

"than right now, because with" --> using a comma here seems wrong

"spent on job" --> spent on jobs

"fast food provide people enough energy and there is no need for people to cook."
--> fast food provides people with enough energy, therefore, it is likely that there is no need for people to cook ( i think you should not assert your idea greatly like that :d )

"are improving" --> are being improved

"spend hours to make " --> making

"extreme easy" --> extremely easy

"with updated cooking machine" --> with modern cooking machines

i think your ideas and structure are good, but there are several grammar mistakes :d

Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic: The popularity of news media [3]

thank for your comment, however i think media is a plural noun :d

Writing Feedback / "children should manage their own money at the young age" - TOEFL [4]

"their distinctive background, personal beliefs, emotional concerns and so forth"
--> their distinctive background, personal believes, emotional concerns, and so forth.

"management of children, people who critize argue that"
--> management of children. People who oppose may argue that

"Well, as far as I am concerned, I don't agree with this practice. my conclusion is reached from the following analysis."
--> As far as I am concerned, I do not agree with this practice. My conclusion is reached from the following analyses.

"When they spent money so arbitrarily getting what they want, they probably think money is the most useful thing in the world, and more likely, to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are."

-->When they spend money so arbitrarily to get what they want, they probably think that money is the most powerful thing in the world, and are more likely to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are. Also, your idea here is not very clear. What is the effect of showing their wealth.

"it may deprive of the chance to let children become financially responsible adults"
--> it may deprive children of a chance to become financially responsible adults.

Moreover, in the concluding paragraph, you should summarize your main ideas instead of using one sentence like that.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Big city and Countryside both have their positives and negatives [3]

i think the reason why you were suspended is that you only made this kind of comment :))
Let's help other people :d

Writing Feedback / 'simplistic view'; Can petrol price increase impact on pollution? [7]

"However, it rises concerns " --> raises

"From my perspective, I think their view is overly simplistic" --> From my perspective is equivalent to i think :d

And i think your introductory paragraph is not very clear in what you will present in the next paragraphs

"thus the price of petrol could be lower in the future" --> many experts do not think so :))
and i think if they have money to buy 3 cars, money spent on fuel seems not to affect their decision :d so your idea in this para is not very reasonable

also, "they may consider about that price of purchasing additionally for more time" ---> i cannot understand this clause

"On the other hand, the development of automobile industry could be restrained as well as the employments offered by it, which could have negative effects on economy"

--> On the other hand, the development of automobile industry could be restrained, which leads to more unemployment in the field and adversely affects the global economy.

"From my mind, I think" --> the reason is above

"individuals had to pay much more" --> will have to pay. also your idea here seems confusing

"the people should be encouraged to use electric car to reduce the car emissions "
---> people should be encouraged to use fuel-efficient vehicles to reduce greenhouse gas emissions

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / More and more village workers are not deciding to live in the city and travel in work [3]

"a tremendous number of workers numbers of people is escaping from countryside to urban areas" --> a tremendous number of workers are leaving countryside to urban areas

"This massive transition on daily basis" --> this phrase seems not to have a clear meaning

"I think, in order to overcome these, and following steps should be taken" --> i think the following steps should be taken to solve or at least relieve these problems

One important thing is that you should add your " following steps" to the first paragraph to guide the readers

"Take charity firms for instance, in my country there are thousands of these organizations, who" --> taking charity organizations for instance, in my country, there are thousands of these, which ...

"travel to country" --> travel to big cities

"This would facilities" --> this would facilitate

"overall there will be less number of vehicles on roads, and could less likely impact on environment" --> There will be less vehicles on roads, and less adverse impacts on the environment

"prevent people to move" ---> prevent people from moving

"This would not only lead to increase in job opportunities but would enable to get more"
---> This would not only lead to an increase in job opportunities but also enable people to get more

"Also, by expanding businesses in these areas would hinder them to move" --> In addition, expanding business in these areas would hinder them from moving

I think the way you show your idea in the fourth paragraph is not suitable

Finally, your writing just focus on alleviating traffic congestion and nearly forget environmental issue. Just give more details about how your suggestions help relieve environmental problems.

Writing Feedback / Should the youngsters have part-time jobs? [3]

"debate that if a kid should" --> debate over whether a kid should

In the first paragraph, you should add your main reasons for your statement

"it is our very nature" --> it is in our very nature

"purchasing new staffs constantly" --> i do not understand what you are writing :d

I feel that writing sentences is not your problem. However, the sentences you write do not clearly show your ideas. That is why i find it difficult to follow your essay

That is my view :)

Writing Feedback / students should live at home with their parents or should live at school. Discuss. [2]

"Both sides seem to have some elements of truth that need to be discussed in detail" --> I think this sentence is not very suitable. Here can be an example: Living at each place has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Moreover, you should include your main ideas in the introductory paragraph.

"The popular wisdom for choosing the boarding school involves the recognition that students who spend most of their time at home are restrictive in terms of independency and perceptions of life" In my opinion, this sentence is a bit weird.

"children cannot possibly" --> you should not use possibly here

And a paragraph should not be merely a sentence

In general, your way of writing sentences sometimes confuse the readers :d

Writing Feedback / If child wants to do well in school, parents should limit the hours wasted on TV? [2]

Although i am not sure how to write this type of topic, i think your way of organizing main ideas in 3 body paragraphs is good.

However, there are some mistakes that you should fix

Include your 3 main ideas in the first paragraph to guide the readers

"make the effort" --> make an effort

"which similarly distract him from his study and actually consumed more time" --> , which similarly distracts him from his study and actually consumes more time

"scratch the surface" --> scratching the surface

"Since limiting the hours that a child spends on watching TV is only a superficial solution and may not be effective, I think that comprehensively improve the teaching quality would be a radical way to make students do well at school" --> this sentence is too long and confusing. Moreover, the second clause is wrong in grammar

"schools hold more outdoor activities" --> schools held more outdoors activities

That is all

Writing Feedback / I would concede that knowledge from books is widely accepted - Ielts topic [3]

can a moderator tell me how to deal with this kind of topic.
I am not sure whether my way of approaching is good or not

Writing Feedback / Modern technology can replace museums and art galleries agree or disagree? [2]

"replace many area" --> replace many areas

"also can instead of museums " instead is not a verb

"can not be replaced forever" it is not clear here

Moreover, you should include specific reasons for your disagreement in the introductory paragraph

"realistic feeling to audience" --> realistic feelings to audiences

"electrical screen effects people" --> electrical screen has detrimental effects on

"Therefore, museums and art galleries can not disappear because it is not beneficial that viewing exhibitions on the televisions." I think the use of therefore and because in one sentence is not very suitable

"can not be disappeared" --> cannot disappear

"In spite of " --> although

Good luck !

Writing Feedback / IELTS--Solve traffic and housing problems by moving companies to the rural areas? [3]

your grammar and vocabulary are so impressive. There are many phrases and new words useful to me.

However, i think the structure should be fixed

In the first paragraph, you have mentioned some urban problems such as urban housing crisis and traffic congestion. This is good. However, it is more important to include the specific reasons why you disapprove, of which your writing lacks. Let's see you only say "for it cannot alter the situation essentially and instead it may give rise to new concerns in rural areas"

This is unclear.

Moreover, i think your second paragraph is not very suitable. You should focus on your reasons . Just briefly talk about the advantages in the introductory or conclusion paragraphs.

One small thing, the conclusion should not be so short D:

I think if you can fix this mistakes, your essay will be nearly perfect :)

Writing Feedback / "Music is a well-received art form" - IELTS - Music [3]

in the introductory paragraph, you do not mention that you will also discuss about "Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?"

Moreover, your ideas in the third paragraph seem irrelevant because the question focus on the importance of traditional music compared with international music
That is my opinion

Writing Feedback / Toefl: "health improvement and time-saving" food has become easier to prepare... [3]

i think that is not matter
just focus on grammar and ideas

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, The best things in life do not cost money, agree or disagree [9]

This book is possible to help you: How to prepare for a toefl essay by Barron
I think you should follow the guideline in the book and read sample essays
I am preparing for my ielts as well. Try together :d

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, The best things in life do not cost money, agree or disagree [9]

"like buying a house and educational tuitions, as well as paying taxes on time": this is not parallel. You should use gerunds only.

"But, the aroused question it is that whether the best things in life cost money or not."--> However, the aroused question is whether the best things in life cost money or not ?

"There are some reasons due to my preference that are mentioned below"
--> reasons for my preference.In this case, the word "that" means "reasons",but the position is wrong. Moreover, you should show your main reasons before ending the introductory paragraph.

"Growing technology in the world tends people to be busier with earning money"--> tends to make people busier ...

"According to the psychologist, money is the first priority for many people nowadays, and this issue makes them be greedy"
--> According to psychologists, nowadays, money is the first priority for many people, which makes them a great deal more greedy.

"who immerse themselves in making money, have a psychological disorder, and that is due to not being satisfied from their life"
--> who immerse themselves in making money have a psychological disorder because they are not satisfied with their lives. This sentence is true in grammar but the argument is not very persuasive :d

"The psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problem, and by becoming a rich man they want to pretend being a successful one"

---> Psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problems. By becoming a rich man, they want to pretend to be a successful one.

Note: i fix this sentence in grammar aspect. However, i do not understand your idea :d

"Sometime, it is necessary to look back in our life and estimate what have higher preference in our life."
---> Sometimes, it is necessary to look back and estimate what has higher preference in our lives.

I think your first paragraph lacks a topic sentence. Moreover, it seems to be irrelevant.

"Although expenditures can creates stress, enough money will never make you relaxed." This sentence is not very clear :d

"How much the kindness of a mother cost?"
---> How much does the kindness of a mother cost ?

"makes "--> make

"However money is necessary in our life, it can never be replaced of love and kindness in our life."
--->Although money is necessary, it can never replace love and kindness in our life.

I advise that you should have a look at the structure of toefl essay and improve your grammar :d

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Your friend has enough money either to go on a holiday or to buy a new [3]

your comments are all very useful to me. Thank you so much :d

Writing Feedback / TELTS-- traditional ideas help teenagers for promising future? [2]

"Thinking twice before action as well as paying more attention to words are some treasures in traditional thinking and behavior, being handed down from one generation to the other."

This sentence is not very clear about which are being handed down from ...
I think you had better use a relative clause.

"ideals" : it is merely a typing mistake, isn't it? :d

"Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring"

i think you should have used mentioned ancestors, parents, or grandparents before use "offspring". You can use the young generation instead. Also, who does "we" refer to? This topic focuses on the young generation so the pronoun "we" is not very suitable :D

This sentence can be fixed: "Although some former customs are considered old-fashioned, there are many traditional ways of living useful for the young people."

Moreover, i cannot understand what are you presenting in the second paragraph. There are many problems in this part of your writing.

I think "Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring." is your thesis statement, which shows that you tend to show the advantageous impacts of traditional ideas on the young generation. However, your second paragraph shows the contrary.

"Granted, many concepts of traditional values are no longer compatible with the contemporary society.": This sentence seems to miss a clause.

"Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring."

"Therefore, youngsters may find themselves integrate into the society if they follow as none of companies would be admitted to the employees lack of innovation." This is really a confusing sentence.

Much pressure has been shouldered.

"If being taught of several considerations before taking actions, the wrong behaviors would be avoided." There is no subject in the first clause.

"Further, individual should pay more attention to the word they say in mutual communication. " --> Furthermore, every individual should pay more attention to the words they use to communicate with each other.

"cause intensive relationships which is damaging to working efficiency" --> , which is...

"cooperate with others well."--> cooperate well with others.

"Although the negative side of some traditional concepts still exists, it does not mean that we should discard all and regard it as usefulness in young generations" This sentence is wrong in meaning

"There are quite a few traditional values are of help for the growing of next generation." --> ...values helping in the growth of the next generation

I think you should improve your grammar before practicing writing an essay

Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

ajit88rai: is it required that an ielts essay must have 5 paragraphs?. I sometimes see 7-8 band essays with only 4 paragraphs. This really confuses me

Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

do you mean some of my corrections are wrong. I think they are all right :))

Writing Feedback / 'People are envy'; advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need [3]

Let's pay attention to the structure. i think your aim is to write an academic writing for toefl or ielts so you should concentrate on the structure first. An essay has an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. The introductory paragraph must has a thesis statement and supporting details, which you deeply discuss in the body. The body has 2-3 paragraphs, each of which focuses on one supporting detail mentioned above and has a topic sentence. In conclusion, you should restate your main ideas.

I think you should follow this structure when you write :d