Undergraduate / Name One Song That has influenced you Virginia Tech app essay [2]

The reason for which this band has influenced me so greatly is that each person who listens to their songs gets their own message from every one of them.

Maybe say this: The beatles have a signature sound that evokes limitless interpretations, which is why their songs have influenced me greatly.

The effect this band has on me is that they have helped me keep an open mind. When I enjoy one of their songs, I develop my own conception of what they were symbolizing through the lyrics.

Possibly say this: "I have learned to keep an open mind, due to the effect of their songs. I am able to develop personal meaning from the symbolism in the lyrics." I am trying to help you avoid being too "wordy"

"Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds"
The prompt question is asking you to talk about one song- so I think you should focus on this more, expand on the way this song has an effect on you... I think that with some of the things you wrote, you get off track from answering the question fully. Tell the reader why this song is so meaningful to you.

I think we must thrive in life for the "answer."
This is good, but if you can make your final sentence connect to the beginning of your paper that would be best. Begin with "Lucy" end with "Lucy" You can do this! Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Introducing myself to a roommate -- Oreos and Nutella [2]

It may seem a bit peculiar to you initially so I best explain now so we can get over the awkwardness that will likely follow.

Maybe say it like this: "This may initially seem peculiar, but I must explain some awkward things about myself."

I absolutely insist on a minimum of two fire extinguishers in our room. As an ex firefighter, I strongly believe in fire safety (perhaps a tad fanatically) and considering that when I attempt to cook, a disaster is simply waiting to happen.

Disaster? This sounds too extreme! If you have training, don't you know how to safely run a stove/oven?

Considering my signature dish is oreos dipped in Nutella, I know my tastes tend to terrify people, particularly my mum.
I wonder what your "tastes" are... i wish you would elaborate on this- although the oreos sound delicious. At this point, you are saying some negative things about yourself, you may want to shine a better light on you, I know what you are trying to do.. but it does sound really awkward...

I'll be quite frank with you, I don't plan on being in the dorm all that much. I would rather be tinkering down in the lab or relaxing at the nearest coffee shop than being confined in my room. I do warn you however, I have a horrible habit for spontaneous road trips. When the lull of boredom overcomes me I can't help but want to explore. Particularly with Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Jose just a car ride away, it seems an injustice not to do so.

Good stuff! But, road trips cannot possibly be a horrible habit-- be more positive! Make yourself sound fun and interesting!

Undergraduate / 'Malaysian road' - Stanford -- Intellectual vitality [2]

Searing heat; a forsaken strip of Malaysian road; nonexistent satellite reception. This was the situation I faced last summer when my vintage Mitsubishi Lancer stuttered to a stop on the way to Kuala Lumpur. An exciting road trip with three close friends, minimal supplies and a mountain of soft drinks had quickly evolved into a nightmare.

As you describe the atmosphere, use a bit more detail, and it was the environment you described, not "situation" which you called it. Explain the road trip part first, then create a sentence about what a dire situation you really were in.

To my amazement it worked. Perhaps not gracefully, but the car could move.
This is very important, try to write more about how you experienced this type of catharsis. Elaborate.

Engineering is not a vocation but in my opinion a philosophy combining the creativity of an artist with the pragmatism of a scientist in order to innovate

Good ideas in this sentence, but it is kinda sloppy, try hard to make this more profound- you can do it :)

Undergraduate / 'Our bodies are fragile' - Personal Stat for Loyola U Chicago [2]

Our bodies are fragile things when you get down to the parts.
You could say this: "When you examine the human body, it is clear how incredibly fragile it truly is."

There is so much more going on than we can fathom and I find it amazing that if one screw comes out of place it could be the difference between life and disaster.

Can you re-examine this sentence, maybe re-word it, it sound a bit off... maybe say how the body has such a delicate balance that must be maintained, and if something goes awry, it could be disastrous.

I work in a place where seconds counts.
Can you add to this sentence (you work in the OR?) So, say In the Operating room, every second counts. Then be sure to connect this 1st sentence in the paragraph to the final sentence in the para.

Many times I have hit our emergency responder pager and gotten ready to field an impossible amount of phone calls that will reach me in moments to ask about the situation.

This is a run-on sentence. Can you speak more clearly here?

There have been many opportunities in life I had not risen for when the time came, preferring to let them past instead.
Maybe say: "In my life, there have been many opportunities to take a chance, and I let that slip through my hands.

During s ome shifts I never sit down.I do multiple things at a time andMy job involves so much multitasking that I may not have a chance to go to the bathroom until the end of my shift, but I know I am useful.

Undergraduate / 'As a child growing up in the Bronx...' Questbridge Essay Review [2]

That's why if I had the power to open a center and educate these kids about how gang violence is affecting not only them, but people in the community, I would.

Out of this whole paper, I see this sentence as the most important idea. I think you should revolve the paper around this topic. Begin by stating that a youth center needs to be erected in your neighborhood. List off the reasons why this center is needed so desperately. Tell the reader about the things that the kids are doing, and that the center would be a solution. Then, list the reasons why the center would solve many problems. Explain what kind of effect it would have on the kids and on the neighborhood. Then, state what you would do personally to help this idea become a reality. I think that if you use these ideas as an outline for your paper, you will be on a better track. I hope this helps! Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Finance just seems to be my calling' Drexel University Application Essay [2]

Hi :) You have a nice solid essay here. Well done! I have a few ideas that may help, and some suggestions on changes, although these are minor things, your essay is great the way it is-- nice writing skills!

All of these were good classes to take but really didn't interest me all that much.
"Maybe say it like this: I learned a lot from these classes but..."

However, two of the other electives I picked were marketing and business administration.
You could say: "My two favorite classes were electives- marketing and..."

I found these classes hugely beneficial.
Or say it like this: "These classes made a significant impact on me."

It was here thatAt that time, I began to develop a strong fascination with the finance world, specifically the stock market.

Being a seniorNow that I am a senior , I've really been seriously committed to learning as much about the finance world as I can.

Undergraduate / 'National Institute of Mountaineering' Common App Essay: A significant Experince [4]

The action of climbing up a rock face, and then from chimney to chimney up a chimney was foreign to me.
I am not sure what you mean when you speak of the chimney, clear this up please

The question was, how would I make my ascent. At the top, I was filled with success; I did not know defeat, for I had climbed up a rock face, trusting my skills to save me.

Connect these two sentences somehow, because it is confusing the way they sound disjointed, one moment it is impossible, the next you are at the top, I don't know what happened in between.

I was in a very incommodiousuncomfortable place.

While I climbed, t he feeling of claustrophobia wasengulfed my mind and the walls were getting too close.while I was still climbing.

I was just two feet off of the ground.

People have hurt themselves while trying to live their perfect yet non-existent life, and I was in the middle of it.
Omit this sentence, it is confusing, replace it with another observation of human nature.

Undergraduate / 'Choose an issue of importance to you' "Self-Control" essay for UT Topic B [2]

How many problems can you think of that could have been easily avoided if someone had applied self-control? It's easy as how many people have access to a toothbrush but choose not to brush their teeth because of pure laziness which results in dental problems for themselves. It can even be as dumb as choosing not to go to a class or job because you'd rather sleep in which can lead to failing to reach your goals in life. We face problems every day when we choose who we are and what we do. With every choice we make, we are either working towards our goal or away from our goal. Everyday someone somewhere is struggling with a problem that they could have easily solved. Sadly, people tend to not realize that they have one major problem that gets in the way of all of their everyday problems. This so called major problem really isn't a problem at all, but just the simple idea of self-control. If people could learn to use self-control then they could make the right choices in life.

Don't start with a question. Also, try to put a more positive spin on this topic, you start out by talking about problems, then I see words like dumb, problem (too many times) and sadly. I feel depressed while I read it, so try to take a different angle on this subject and that would make the paper more positive and structured, be clear and concise, try not to be "wordy"

It's rather sad to witness the lack of self-control I see in people every day simply because self-control applies to everything we do. Happiness drives most of us to live our lives. We achieve happiness by reaching our goals. We reach our goals by applying ourselves to them. To apply ourselves we use self-control. Another way of saying that is self-control lies at the root of who we are. If we can't master the basics of self-control then how can we ever expect to get anywhere in life? I've asked myself this many times when I see someone with no self-control complain about how they failed their goal when they apply no effort into achieving their goal. I fear that self-control has been the number one reason for the problems that my generation faces and will continue to face.

You have many great ideas in this paragraph but you need to organize them better (it sounds a little bit like rambling, especially the first few sentences). Also, if you could explain some concepts that are related to self-control, like responsibility and patience, leadership skills, timeliness, motivation, and thoughtfulness.

Writing Feedback / 'Past achievements are requirements of a significant contribution' A GRE ISSUE [2]

Your introduction is a bit unclear, it is wordy and hard to understand. write it in a clear concise way so that the reader knows exactly what the topic of the paper is.

I will help you with some grammatical things:

Admittedly, theP ast achievements sometimesusually serve as cornerstones to new accomplishments. With the support of the experimental data or documents written by the virtuoso's , people nowadays can save a lot of time.onFor example, the complicated Classic Mechanics analysis or theperplexing Chemical Functions, and onare the basisfor these theories.S cholars are able to turncan refer to those newlyprevious predicaments thenin order to make further progress. If it were not for the invention of Function and Unit, there would be no Calculus, and scientists in the field of physics and chemistry could never work on the convoluted analysis. Moreover, past achievements also edify new ideas. The great success of the IPHONE in the global market has set a good example to IT corporations such as Samsung and HTC.These companies are deeply influenced by Apple's style, and they began their stimulation campaign and they will inevitably earn enormous profits soon.

Continue to work on your grammar. Nice work so far, you have many great ideas for this topic, try to be clear and concise. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Run, study, cry, yell, and learn' - Favorite place to get lost (UVA) - Music [2]

I sit snugly into my cozy, familiar armchair and heave a sigh of relief. After a hard day's work, I allow myself to get lost in the world of music. I gingerly place my near-dilapidated set of headphones onto my head and escape reality.

Immediately, the music begins with a soothing melody singing me to sleep the first minute and later drags me into a whirlpool of chaos.
This sentence sounds odd, re-word this part, I like the idea, but it is hard to understand "whirlpool of chaos" because the reader does not know what you are referring to. Maybe if you explain that say, heavy metal music creates this effect.

I drift and nod my head slightly as my music progressesnever ceasing toand completely captivates me.

I often get lost in music. I listen incessantly and lose all track of time. Every time I exitT hese long listening sessions, I feel like I've undergoneare the best form of catharsis: a cleansing of the mind. Music is an outlet for me to release my frustration and pent-up stress . Music is an outlet for me to release my frustration and pent-up stress. I run to music. I study to music. I cry to music. I yell in joy to music. I learn from music.

Work on the final sentence, try to come up with something more profound, explain how music has made you stronger or given you the the motivation to do so many things.

Undergraduate / paragraph about personality; My cousin Tom [4]

My cousin Tom ishas the most amazing personality I have ever metseen in my life.
Firstly , He is a level-headed person. He never rushes into things and he carefully weighs up his options before he acts. Some people claim,His friends and family know that he is very balanced and never jumps to conclusions. Furthermore,most characteristic thing aboutTom's best characteristic is his cheerfulness and unprecedented sense of humor. It is rareHe has to cheer everybody up in differentNo matter what the situation , yet he always manages to cheer up everybody. People automatically gravitate to him when we are out- he is always the life and soul of any party.we go to . However, my relative tends to be quite stubborn -once he has made a decision, nothing can change his mind. For example, in some situations he is so determined not to change his position, even when people think he is being unreasonable.Tom has shown great strength in decision making.

All in all, I'm glad to have Tom as my cousin. It is a pleasure to be with him and I really enjoy his company.

Undergraduate / Craig influenced my life; I learned to appreciate life, even through its downs [5]

After watching Craig Dietz, I decided to get back on my feet and continue to strive towardscontinue my goals.

I started physical therapy,where I receivedwhich entailed shock therapy treatment three times a week to strengthen my ligaments.

I laterShortly after, I became an assistant for my middle school dance teacher where I was able to gainand learned responsibility for not only myself but forand others.

I experienced being in controla leadership position and learning what to do with that control, and the patience needed to work in a group.

I was able to get a taste of what I dreamt of being.
When you say this, explain exactly what your dream is-- what is your goal for the future, this is super important for a college essay, you must state how your plan will get you into that dream job or career path. Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / "Winning is..." ENGL101 Honors English 101 class Narrative Essay [3]

I have this condition. It is hard to explain what happens, but mainly that is because for the most part it is unexplainable.
Can you begin your paper with a statement that refers to the theme? Like: "Winning is..."

I am that guy who wakes up in the morning like P. Diddy, pisses excellence, washes his hands and banks the paper towel in to the trash can after shouting "Kobe!", all the while tri-winning and putting Charlie Sheen to shame.

Funny! But remove "pisses excellence" because that may seems offensive, depending on the reader.

Being a winner starts out with using cool lingo like "brah" and "yo", progresses with well-timed quips at high stress moments, and ends with an abundance of confidence that begets multiple allegations of "jackass" by admiring fans.

This sounds odd, maybe you should re-word this sentence, I like the confidence part and well-timed quips.

The onset of puberty left most of us awkwardly proportioned, and with no knowledge of the blessing that was stick deodorant, the majority of us smelled terribly

He was the kind of guy that already had a perfectly tied tie waiting for him when he got dressed; the kind of guy that did not need deodorant because he constantly emanated pure swagger(but he still wore it anyway); the kind of guy who could balance the national debt and deliver a newborn baby, all while nailing every note of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and stealing your wife.

Great creative writing!

Undergraduate / 'Practical and abstract reasons' - finding direction on Common app transfer essay. [5]

No need to feel anxious, my friend :) You have done well. You are a good writer. The best thing you can do is clearly state exactly what the admissions officials want to know. They want to know what your short term and long term goals are. They want to hear a little about your education so far. They want to know what interests you about the career path you have chosen. Then, explain how the college degree will be a stepping stone on the way to your goals. tell them how the skills and education you receive in school will help you gain success in life. Keep it simple and clear. You can do this! It will be ok. If you update your essay, post it on here and there are many people who can help you edit it :)

Undergraduate / 'computer programmer's dream' - UC Prompt 1 [3]

I gazed out the window as I waited patiently for the aircraft to land on the airport.

I was notunfamiliar with the culture around herein this area . I was surprised when I saw a lot ofso many cars on the streets,which surprised me because there are not a lot of cars back in Vietnam.

At that time,I did not know what it did so I was curious ofto find out what it did.

As a kid, I was very fascinated by how people can makecreatecomputer games on the computer or anything else or video gamessuch as thefor PlayStation.

This affected me on my grades. As the years gopassed by, my grades kept onstayed low.

This had made me fall really behind themmy classmates . However, even though I was weak inlost my focus on academics, my family would always encouraged me to do my best and supported me.

Undergraduate / 'Practical and abstract reasons' - finding direction on Common app transfer essay. [5]

However, In spite of these changes, and in many ways because of them, I have developed the conviction, heart, and perseverance necessary to achieve what I have set out to.

Work on the final sentence, it should not end in the word "to"

When I read this, i kinda think, "get to the point" I love everything you wrote but I feel like you should stay on topic. Keep it solid, clear, and concise. State your goals, long term and short term goals. Then explain the basis of your education so far, and your desire to transfer, then explain what you intend to study, then state how your education will help you achieve your goals. Keep the stuff that makes it personal, like the quote from your Dad. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'part in the story' - FILM AND VIDEO TECHNOLOGY [2]

The way films unfolded always captured my imagination and has now led me to want a career in the film industry.
This may sound better: "The way a movie plot unfolds inspires my imagination, and has led me to pursue a career in the film industry."

But knowing the difficulties of establishing myself as a respected screenwriter or director has made me doubt my abilities in film production.
No, this sounds too negative. Say it like this: "I was aware of the challenges and difficulties of establishing myself as a screenwriter."

It wasn't until I joined my school's video production club, which made me realize I can work in the film industry and someday write or direct great films.

Too much jumbled into one sentence. Say it like this perhaps: "Once I joined the video production club at school, I realized my true potential. I know that with the right education and skills, I can work in the film industry. I hope to write scripts and would love to direct successful films."

Undergraduate / Common App Essay. Short answer on Extracurricular activities. "Step up as a musician" [2]

Try not to be negative, change the wording to shine the best light on yourself.
When you say things like " I was ignorant of the genre, Jazz" and "Understandably, I was only a reserve player" and "waited for an opportunity." it sounds like you had little confidence in yourself.

You missed a few words:

The c ompelling sounds of bass always make my heart beat.

however, my self-assurance and love for music never deserted me.faded.

Just at that moment, I stepped up.

Fortunately, the show was successful, and I became the only bassist of the band ever since.

Through bass and music, I could develop myself developed fortitude , and found my spirit. The s ound of bass still make my heart beat.

Bass taught me the importance of step upresponsibility and confidence.

Undergraduate / Common Ap Essay- Pseudo Puerto Rican [3]

Hi :) I think your essay is great. Well-done. I cannot find any errors to comment on and I think you write well. Your story is interesting and it makes the reader totally relate to your story. You prove yourself to be intelligent and thoughtful. You will be fine with this essay. Send it in :)

Undergraduate / Craig influenced my life; I learned to appreciate life, even through its downs [5]

From Day to day, each person comes across multiplea multitude of things that are constantly repeated in yourbecome repetitious in their head, things that have an affect on you.them.

As I continued watching, and was able toI witnessed the most extraordinary man.

What Some would say this is an unfortunate eventdisability, he has takenconsidered to be a gift.- for it has made him stronger and given him an all together different and positive perspective inon life.

This man has been able to remainhas spent a lifetime being active in numerous events such as swimming, bowling, fishing, hunting, etc.

Instead of complaining, I became thankful, and I had a feeling of enlightment as I heard this man spoke aboutover his struggles with everyday actions.

He fed me the needed powerHis story raised my ambition , because if he can accomplish what he sets his mind on, there is no excuse for me not to pursue any dreams and the obstacles that accompany them.

Undergraduate / 'passion for the human body' - Physical Therapy School Application [2]

I have a passion for the human body, a affinity toward helping people in need, and a appreciation for the process of building a good rapport with people from different walks of life.

When I entered college as an undecided student right out of high school, I was self aware of these character traits.andI wanted to use these aspects of my naturecharacteristics in the research and decision making process that goes intoof choosing a major and most importantly, a career path.

There was a great deal of research, thought, and prayer that went into thecritical decision that lead mechoice to enter the field of Physical Therapy and rehabilitation. Ever since I decided I would enjoythat the healthcare field would be an enjoyableas a career path, I've always viewed rehabilitation therapy in a new light.from a far withI had minimal knowledge of the goings on of the field, but with an idea ofI did know how overwhelmingly satisfying it would feel to truly affect someone's life in a positive way.

I have learned many things fromAfter working full time for nearly half a year at an outpatient rehabilitation facility,andas well as accumulating over one hundred and twenty observation hours at both outpatient orthopedic therapy and inpatient acute care therapy. I feel as if I now have a much greater understanding of what being a Physical Therapist entails and what the day to day duties and responsibilities would bewill entail.

Undergraduate / Common Application Supplement "Why do you want to go to _____" [4]

Growing upWhen I was young , whilethe other kids indulged in the new trends like PlayStation, Xbox, or iPhones, while I was intrigued by puzzles and games such as Tetris, Bejeweled, and Sudoku.

In my small apartment in Queens, I was always enthralled byto see the new electronics that my father broughtwould bring home.

The kids in my school would be fanatic about playing the newest computer games,they bought and played, while I found the most fun in installing the game on our computer.more so than playing it.

All teens waithope for the keys to a new car, but I was kept busyentertained for months when I got my first smartphone.

However, not all my passions lay in electronics.

However, while students search night and day for the university that best suits them and offers them the best, I am no better.
You were making those comparisons in order to conclude the paragraph by saying you are just like the others. I would remove the "better" part because it makes it seem that you think you are better in other ways. Keep yourself on the same level as your fellow students, and shine the best light on yourself. Good luck in school :)

Scholarship / Power and electronics and oil - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY HELP [2]

Hi :) Your essay sounds great! I had some ideas on changing some wording, just suggestions, but it will be fine if you keep it as is.

I have always wanted to be an electrical engineer and use it to help solve multi-dimensional world problems.

When I was in middle school, I always imagined myself working as an environmentalist, but as the years passed by, I changed my career interest duringmy interests changed as I entered high school. I realized that my interestideal career path was not in the environment, but actually in electronics.

I then decided to direct my career path towardsfocus on becoming an electrical engineer in the future .

Oil and gas is the world's most important and used energy resource, and since technology and the amount of oil and gas resources are increasingly becoming more in demand, it is essential that the industry continues to produce genuine and reliable resources.

I believe that this is a run-on sentence, you may want to shorten it, or turn it into 2 sentences.

Both power and electronics are essential in the production of gas and oil. All the systems used in the drilling, refining and management of oil and gas products need some sort of power, mostly electrical power. Also, electronics can be used for the same things. For example and electrical drill which is used in the drilling of oils require power and some sort of electronic device to function. Also, oil and gas refineries and even the pumps need power and electronics to function properly.

I think you are getting off-track with all of this. In order to stay on topic, keep talking about your future goals and how your education will help you achieve those goals. Explain how the field relates to you personally. Good luck in school :)

Essays / Essay on city life, advantages, disadvantages if city life and its future [2]

The migration from the countryside to city areas is merelybasically a new phenomenon. This is a historic transformation on a global scale that consists of village culture being rapidly replaced by urban culture. NowadaysCurrently, more than half of the world's population lives in the cities.

The majority of the people that migrate of the better employmentare looking for better job opportunities.Also, the city hasthe medical and educational facilities, but there are also other reasons likeand many other the fun attractions.of city life.As opposed to rural life, city life is far more interesting and appealing to young people.than rural life with itsThe city usually has theaters, cinemas, night clubs, restaurants, shopping centers, places where you can practice somesports and get a professional to help you out with it and all sorts of other things.you can imagine.

Undergraduate / Grew up in both Little Haiti and Biscayne Blvd. College application essay [3]

Hi :) I have some suggestions for your essay..

I grew up being useaccustomed to the sounds of gun shots, watching people arguingabout pointless situations , watching drug addicts b eg people for loose change, and watchedsaw people build mini stores in their homes. I've also witnessed violent fights and crucial arrests .

Situations like those usually influence people to want to do either or of those things, but its influence me to want to achieve superior goals prior to that.

Maybe you could say: "After accepting these situations as part of every day life, some people would give in to that type of lifestyle. However, I have been inspired to rise above the negativity, so I can achieve my goals."

At times I think back to myself what if I still lived there? Would I be the same person I am today? Would I be a strong, independent, smart young woman as I am?

If you need to shorten your essay or remove anything- this would be the part to omit- I think that you get a bit off track with these statements. I think you are using the word "situation" too much. It is a little "wordy" so if you could try to write in a way that is more clear and concise that would help your paper look more "neat" Try to focus more on the lesson that you learned and how you developed into a thoughtful person- make this point a solid one.

Undergraduate / Essay personal statement for dental school - the ability to help people in need [2]

I think you have done well with your paper. There is one thing that you could omit-- "I'm young but mature and responsible person." You are stating the obvious here, because through your self-description, you have proven these things. You write in a mature manner, and your activities and jobs shine a good light on your personality. The main things that the college wants to hear from you is that you are a person with a plan. You have a passion or area of interest that you feel strongly about, you want to excel in that field. Lay out your short term and long term goals, and state how college will help you develop skills and smarts to achieve those goals. Work on your grammar. If you still want grammar help, leave a comment, and I can try to edit some more of this for you. :)

Essays / Eating Junk Food Too Much [3]

Today, almost no one can't refuse that nobody has never ate junk food. Everyone has eaten junk food.
This may sound better: "Although junk food is unhealthy, most people admit that they cannot resist the temptation to indulge."

Junk food is a big problem of eating. There are three reasons why everyone like to eat junk food.
Maybe say it like this: "Junk food is a problem because it contributes to bad health. There are three major reasons why people enjoy eating junk food."

First, the person who is a hard working men orand women don'thavea time to make food. Junk food is theonly onemost convenient choice for them b ecause junk food is easy to buy and easy to eat. They think that a diet full of junk food is proper for them.acceptable.

The second reason that people eat so much junk food is due to advertising , it affects tocauses people who lazy or credulous personto crave unhealthy food. Advertising can make people feel hungry. Teenagers like to eat a new productssame in an old advertisingthat are fun, cool, or cutting edge . Many companies advertise promotions likethat buy one get free one, orif you buy one you will get a cartoon gift.one.There are advantages of advertising.

Essays / Fall: Is it the true New Year? Essay start help. [3]

Here is something that came off of the top of my head, I hope this helps :) If you write anything, please post it on here and I will try to help with editing it.

Many people feel that the end of summer is indeed, the end of the year. A new year begins every fall, instead of on Jan.1

Reasons:
1) When the weather begins to cool, it is the change of the season, the end of the summertime, for some people the best time of the year is summer, so they feel like the year is over.

2) A new season for shopping, and people begin to think of the upcoming holidays like Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas.
3) Back to school time and a new schoolyear will definitely make a person feel like it is the beginning of a new year.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - To reduce traffic in cities, we should reduce traveling by people [4]

Traffic is a global problem, nowadays developed and underdeveloped countries both are suffering from traffic problem.
Or you could say it like this: "Currently, a significant worldwide problem is major traffic in all types of countries."

In order t o overcome this problem, governments and people have to work together with some possibleto create solutions.

I agree somewhat on this option, that traffic can be lowered by decreasing the need of people to come out on roads with vehicles.
Maybe say this: "I believe that a good way to reduce traffic is to decrease the need for people to drive and commute."

They can do shopping through online stores and thy will not need to go out to get their goods.
You could say: "Shoppers can save time and gas money by using the internet to buy goods."

Distance learning, like to get enrolled in some online courses, people can learn and get education while staying at home.
Maybe say this: "The government could fund more programs for distance learning, so people can take online courses while studying at home."

However considering this option We should also look onconsider other useful optionssolutions like m aking public transport easily available and cheapaffordable.so people can turn towards to avail this facility.

Undergraduate / I choose to be a pharmacist for so many reasons. [2]

There are so many careers in the health field in which a person can choose from.
Maybe say this: "In the health care field, a person can choose from many different careers."

What sets me apart from other people is, I am very easy to talk to.
Or, you could switch this around: "I am very easy to talk to, which sets me apart from other people."

A comfortable environment is important in this profession because if a client is comfortable they will open up to me and tell me exactly what's wrong with them.

Maybe say it like this: "An atmosphere of comfort is essential for a client, because they will open up to me and talk about their medical problems."

In conclusion, I am the type of person that... Seeing how much pain and trauma they go through daily, i want to be able to help them get well quickly or provide medications which can cure the illness. These entire situations motivated and increased my interest in becoming a pharmacist.

Another way that you could write this: "When I see people who are sick, in pain, or in a trauma, I want to take action. I want to help them get well quickly, or cure their illness with the medications I provide. I have always been motivated by the urge to heal, which has increased my interest in the field of pharmacy."

Undergraduate / 'two boxes at Christmas' - A significant event that defined who I am - QB Essay [6]

Hi :) I really like the way you wrote this essay, especially the last part of it. I think you should re-do the first paragraph though. The content is great, but I think you should take the same ideas and re-word them. Something about that first paragraph sounds a bit disjointed and like rambling a little bit. Try to really catch the reader's eye, draw them in to read the rest of your paper. I can't find any grammar mistakes, but you write with a lot of commas so maybe try to not overdo that. I think you have done a fine job with your paper. Lots of luck in school :)

Undergraduate / My opinion on class ranking, for the ApplyTexas B essay choose an issue of importance [2]

I am just a number in the eyes of a college admissions office.
Too negative, maybe you can re-word this to sound more positive, as it is the purpose of your paper- to explain why you feel that GPA should not count for so much of a student's success. Be sure to shine yourself in the best light.

It has been known as one of the "must haves" in high school if a student wants to enter in a prestigious college. But what if that system works against the students where it keeps certain students out of the college of their choice due to ranking.

Don't use so many questions, be more clear and concise. Maybe say it like this: "Commonly, a high GPA is essential for a student who wishes to enter a prestigious college. However, this ranking can be a downfall for a student who is otherwise successful in many areas." Be sure to not sound like you are rambling.

Most likely nothing will change in the near future. At least not enough change that it would benefit me in my application process for college. But for the benefit of all prospective students applying to college, the weight colleges put class rank for college admissions should undertake a new decision to create a more equal deciding factor for college admissions

Clean it up here, be more clear about what you are really saying. "link" your major point to your own story without being too negative. Connect this idea to your college goals briefly, and show a bit of your personality, if possible. Good luck in school!!

Writing Feedback / "Mobile Technology and Today's Student" - why wouldn't we take advantage of that? [2]

Hi :) There are a few things that I'd like to comment on, I hope my ideas can help you.

A challenge facing the education system is to leverage technology to create relevant learning experiences that mirror students' daily lives and the reality of their futures.

This sentence sounds confusing and is hard to follow.

Mobile devices are found in the hands of most youth today and it is the job of educators to figure out how to use these devices in an advantageous way in the classroom.

I will assume this is your thesis statement. I think that the wording of this sentence should be adjusted, replace "job" with something else. At this point in the essay, while reading it, I am skeptical that this is a great idea, so I will keep reading to see if I can be convinced.

Student engagement is at an all-time high which translates into less discipline issues and better quality instruction time.
I wonder, specifically, what technology on the Ipads are they are using? Is it true that flashy screens and images create less discipline issues, or is it just mesmerizing kids into not truly thinking, therefore "zoning out"?

Students today are digital natives. These are very important skills that they will use every day inside and outside of the classroom
In this paragraph, you make some great points to support your argument.

Many educators do not have the same understanding of and ease with using technology that is part of the daily lives of professionals in other sectors.

This is another really hard to read sentence, try to be more clear.

By reading this paper, I have a good understanding of the benefits for children to use better technology. I still have some concerns, about how tech will remove kid's attention from real things to virtual, especially art and music, and how some studies have shown that too much "screentime" is harmful to kids. Also, will all of this tech replace conventional methods, such as writing notes and practicing math problems on actual paper? What is preventing the students from texting each other to cheat on tests or doing other recreational things on the device when the teacher is not looking? And, at who will pay for all of this? The school, parents, taxpayers?? Even teachers? These are some things I thought of that you may want to discuss in your paper. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'fired from my fast-food job' - Supplement essay to my application [3]

Last year, I got fired from my fast-food job after giving a glass of water to a homeless man who had stumbled into the place, looking exhausted.

You could say it like this: "An exhausted homeless man stumbled into the restaurant I worked at and asked for a glass of water. Because I gave it to him, I was fired."

Although I was then unemployed, I couldn't help but feel proud for helping someone in need; making a change in their lives.
Maybe say it like this? "Even though I was unemployed, that moment made me feel proud, for helping a man in need, and hopefully making a small change in his life."

The next day, I sat down and thought ofpondered what I could do for my community, and came up with thean idea. ofI wanted to teach English to children from the lower classes who don't receive the education of a foreign language education .

My city provided a local venue? and a week later I started to teach.

The class gathersincludes anyone from pre-schoolers to elderly, who are all interested in understanding the language,but also inand the differences between our two civilizations. Often, the class will discuss social issues, and it is truly rewarding to hear whatviewpoints from a person with a totally different background than mine.has to say.

Undergraduate / 1 in 88 children in the world are affected by Autism [2]

When I was about 5, my youngest sister was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism that affects a person's capabilities of communicating effectively with others.when I was about 5.

Growing up in a home where Autism was present, I discovered many of the differences a child with Autism may have.
Can you dive right into this paragraph? You may want to begin this paragraph with the line "My younger sister affected me in a way that is indescribably remarkable." But this line would sound better like this: "My younger sister affected me in a remarkable way." I think that it will draw in the reader's eye more that way. By getting right to the point, you can fit more substance into your paper.

All my years in schoolThroughout my school years , I was never one tojoined in on the teasing of underprivileged children, in fact, I did the exact opposite.

During my junior year of high school, I wasfelt inspired to give back to the world of autism.andI began planning and organizing a community event, Burgers for Aspergers, to spread awareness about Autism.

The community came together in such an unbelievable way donating almost everything needed for the event, including bouncy houses, food, a band, a venue, and money.

Undergraduate / 'a bundle of energy' - Common App- Extracurricular [2]

At a young age,I dressed up and put on shows for the neighbors.toI performed under the bright lights at my high school homecoming football game.

I am head over heels forT he rush of adrenaline is overwhelmingwhen I perform on stage; looking out at my friends and family's beaming faces.

I trained for countless hours at the studio, school, and at home with the desire of being a member ofjoining my high school's national champion competition team.

I knewIn that moment,I knew that I had done everything I possibly could, and only my love for dance could get me out of bed the next morning.

ThisMy ambition helped me obtainled me to getting an internship at my dance studio where I am so lucky to get to share my passion with younger dancers.

Undergraduate / UC "Describe a Quality" Short Essay. 300~ words. Any advice? [6]

Good work on your essay! I really love what you have written and the subject of your paper.

When you say: "But I also felt a strange yet familiar restlessness that I later identified as intense curiosity. The sheer unfairness of Alzheimer's fickle decision to rob a scholar's great and contributive mind irked me like a splinter that is too small to remove."

It sounds like rambling, I would just try to be clear and concise with this notion. I love the splinter part.

When school resumed, it became difficult to continue with my previous schedule but I continued to study Alzheimer's when I could find the time.

Can you say this in a better way, to shine a better light on you... like: "Although it was challenging to find the time, I balanced my schoolwork with the research of Alzheimer's disease."

And then you say "Soon, I realized that my knowledge was insufficient to understand the complex biological processes and phenomenon that cause dementia and other mental diseases and this bothered me above all others."

Shine a better light: like: "I became aware that my knowledge was a drop in the bucket compared to the large realm of mental illness, including dementia."

Scholarship / Career goals must be taken carefully in our life [2]

Career goals must be taken carefullyseriously in our life,especially w hile majoring in business management . I plan to obtain skills and experience in the business management area. I have already taken many business classes in my school, and I have read books to get mefamiliarize myself with business management.andI plan to continue learning this subject by taking many other business courses in college. i wantMy goal is to be a bank manager, because i think everything going to be in the future all aboutwant my career to involve business,and aboutShares buying and selling shares, and am good in accounting. i want to finishcomplete my studies inat the american universities in Qatar.

i plan to go there after finishing my Baccalaureate exams,and I am doing my beststriving to get a high degree in my education so i canin order to get accepted inat one of the universities. i chose The location I chose is the middle east, to study there because i think am going to be able to achieve a successful career in this area. i have lived there before and i think business will be between the western world and the middle east will be good.so maybe i will have the chanceI feel confident that with the proper education, I have the qualities and ambition to be a successful bank manager .

And about the Model United Nation how to help me prepare to meet my goals is through giving me the chance to develop my leadership skills and to get new ideas and to make new ones and the trust of my decision that i will acquire in the conference for myself . and it will be great experience for me to explore Universities in Qatar .

Essays / Summary of "Sleep Debt and the Mortgaged Mind"-Feedback [3]

Hi I can suggest a few adjustments to your paper.

Alongside that, he is a professor and researcher at Stanford University. The article, Sleep Debt and the Mortgaged Mind, first appeared in The Promise of Sleep and was co-written with Christopher Vaughan. The author describes the issues and consequences toof sleep debt and the non-recognition it receives. For example, Dr. Dement points out these two specific incidents, Exxon Valdez and the Challenger, as accidents that could have been prevented if not for the fact ofworkers were not sleep deprived .

William and Christopher refer to sleep deprivation as building bricks in a backpack, and the more time spent staying awake, the greater the weight of the bricks.

ThoughS tatically, the required amount of time to sleep is eight hours, but that amount wouldmay not be enough for some . For instance, a person typically sleeps eight hours a night, but then decides to stay up for three extra hours another night and still get up for an eight A.M class.Thus, he only had five hours of sleep ; sleep debt has accumulated and now therehe is less alert throughout the day.

William Dement also mentions of aa story about his friend , who claimed that he had gotten enough sleep two nights before, and proceeded to drive home. But it turns out not to be truethat he was sleep deprived , because the man fell asleep while driving and got into an accident.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay feedback: (Agree/Disagree) Employers should employ long-life worker. [2]

There has appeared endless controversy over human resource.
One controversial issue for human resources is whether or not to hire long-term employees.

First and foremost, what I put in my priority is work efficiency.
I believe that the most important quality of a worker is efficiency.

It cannot be denied that the major human force which contributes to the development of a company is long-life employees. They have been devoted infor a long time, so these workers are certain to become experts. Not only owningThey havethe great knowledge and skill required by the job, but also they alsoare well-cooperate well with their colleagues.

They understand that it will lead to serious damage for their company, and makingcause them to lose their jobs. Beyond any doubt, employing long-life workers brings the goodbest efficiency to employers.