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Posts by basawang
Joined: Sep 7, 2011		 Last Post: May 18, 2012
Threads: 10
Posts: 76  

From: Taiwan

Displayed posts: 86 / page 2 of 3
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basawang   
Sep 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / "a holiday overseas" - Letter to your friends - IELTS [2]

iCan

I'm pretty good in spite of working hard.

As I see, people can still be happy when they work hard.

I guess you want to say something like this: Every thing is fine. I just feel a little bit tired because of my job.

I revise your sentence as follows:

I'm pretty good in spite of my arduous works.

Anyway, please come and visit our country, the Philippines.

Is it "my" or "our" country? Are Aris and Jecko also Philippines?

Good luck
basawang   
Sep 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: indigenous tribes may have disappeared forever [6]

Hi,

I think your English is better than mine.

However, I believe your first reason is not convincing.

Indigenous people do not lack knowledge; on the contrary, they have extensive knowledge of their land and surroundings.

Although they only have little understanding of other modern civilizations, theoretically this does not affect their persistence.

You wrote this:

indigenous people still live widely in natural environment such as in a small islands, caves, rainforest, and little do they have contact with other society.

,which means most indigenous people do not need modern knowledge because they still live in their original environment.

The food is more and more scarcity and a lot of disease threat them everyday. They can not find enough food and also can not treat serious illness. Hence, the number of distinct people decreases quickly.

This phenomenon is actually due to the negative effects from other modern civilizations, not because the aboriginals lack knowledge.

I suggest you develop a new idea.

Good luck
basawang   
Sep 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Becoming successful is almost an endless endeavor for every individual. [3]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.

Becoming successful is almost an endless endeavor for every individual. Nevertheless, not everyone can succeed. From this standpoint, I disagree with the statement that people who want to succeed should be more like others than be different from everyone else. There are mainly two reasons for this. The first one is the definition of success for everyone is different, and the second one is being the same with others generally lacks innovation, which is fundamental to success.

Although success is the primary goal for everyone, people have different views and aspects of a successful life. Some people may consider having a good carrier with high salary to be a successful life, while others may evaluate their success in other ways such as the level of happiness and spiritual contentment. Since miscellaneous people want different things, it is unfounded to suggest that everyone following the same rule is definitely able to reach success. For example, many high school students decide to go to a college after their graduation, but if a student wants to become a chief, perhaps he or she should find a job in the restaurant instead of study in a university. Not everyone needs to attend classes in a college in order to success.

Furthermore, hardly do people succeed solely by imitating others' ideas or works, because this action lacks creativity. Only those who have the ability to innovate are capable of attaining extremely success. For instance, Apple Computer is one of the most successful companies in the world. If Steve Jobs, one of the founders of this company, did not have any innovative thinking, the product of Apple Computer would have nothing special, and he could not build his business empire.

In a nutshell, for everyone, being like others is not enough to succeed. I suggest people should figure out what is the definition of success for them. Moreover, to become successful, the ability of innovation is of pivotal importance.
basawang   
Sep 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl----moving to a new place can lose old friends [4]

By the way,

The sentences I marked in blue highlight seem problematic.

My classmates are also my older friends for a long time.

This sentence does not fit well in the second paragraph.

Did you try to say something like this?

I had only a few friends. Most of them are my classmates who I have known for a long time.

It also can enhance the emotion of old friend and we also learn something novel things we never see before.

As I see, this sentence is redundant. It does not add any new information.

In addition, can anyone tell me the difference between "old friends" and "older friends"?

I am confused.

Good luck
basawang   
Sep 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl----moving to a new place can lose old friends [4]

Soshianet'

I am pretty sure using a formal term is a good idea in the Toefl test.

Please avoid these phrases "can't, don't, its, we'll, they've".

Use "cannot, do not, it is, we will, they have"

Best wishes,
basawang   
Sep 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money [2]

Hi,

There are some grammatical errors. Nevertheless, I want to talk about your structure because it may be a more severe problem.

I think you should clearly mention your central idea rather than describe your experience in the beginning .
Here are two types of structure.

#1

1st paragraph: State your stand (Maintaining a comfortable life is more important than earning lots of money.)

2nd paragraph: Reason 1

3rd paragraph: Reason 2

4th paragraph: Summary

#2

1st paragraph: These two options both have some advantages and disadvantages.

2nd paragraph: The advantages and disadvantages of earning lots of money.

3rd paragraph: The advantages and disadvantages of maintaining a comfortable life.

4th paragraph: State which one do you prefer.

You can put your examples in the second or third paragraph.

Do anyone have any ideas?
basawang   
Sep 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS-scientific research not driven for economic benefits should be suspended? [5]

Hi,

I do not fully understand the prompt.

What is the definition of "economic benefits"?

One of the reasons for my belief is that without other subjects studying such as health, environmental pollution,and energy crisis laying the groundwork for sustainable development, no economic model can be built.

Your examples (health, environmental pollution and energy crisis) are all of great interest because they may lead to economic growth.
New drugs, new environmental techniques and new energy sources all might make a good profit in the future.
So I think these examples contradicted to your stand.

In addition, why do you mention economic model?
This essay is about scientific research, not economic research, right?

If I misunderstood anything, please tell me, thank you.

Good luck
basawang   
Sep 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL- Should university give the same amount of money to its departments? [2]

Hi,

The prompt is about sport activities and university libraries.

So, I think you should focus on sports and libraries.

You have to discuss which one is more important to students, sports or libraries, or both of them are indispensable?

On the other hand,

you do not need to talk about other departments such as laboratories and food courts which you mention in the last paragraph.
basawang   
Sep 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS-scientific research not driven for economic benefits should be suspended? [5]

wjxjj123,

Economic model is a research topic in economics.

When people talk about scientific research, usually they refer to natural science such as chemistry, physics, and biology etc.

I guess you digress.

Consider two scientific research topics:

One is the study of stem cell, which may develop new medicine technology and thus making a fortune.

The other one is the taxonomy of grass, which cannot yield any significant economic benefits.

Do you think the latter one should be suspended?

I think your prompt is related to this kind of discussion.

Grammars and vocabularies are important, but I believe the logic is also crucial in Ielts test.

Maybe others can give some comments. Whether your essay is deviated from the prompt or not.

Good luck
basawang   
Sep 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels [3]

The development of economy requires a largerlarge amount of energy (especially fossil fuels) to operate factories, machines, and vehicles. However, the unpleasant effects of using fossil fuels are influencing directly onexacerbates the ecosystem and our health. Moreover, fossil fuels are not infinite in supply. Hence, I strongly believe that these fuels should be replaced by saferenewable energy.

You want to discuss two disadvantages of fossil fuels in your essay, but you did not mention the second point in the introduction.

So I add one sentence marked with the red color. I hope it would help.

Good luck
basawang   
Oct 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'Adam Realty or Fitch Realty sold a house at the same time' - Gre argument [2]

Hi,

I think you point out several crucial points in this argument. Very good!

However, I have some questions and suggestions.

1.

The arguer of this argument claims that you should use Adams Realty if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price.

I am not sure using "you" here is a good idea. How about "people" ?

2. To support this claim the arguer cites certain numberreferences about the turnover and working hours of the firm's agents, and the number aboutmentions the average sale prices of homes sold by agent.

3.

The arguer also cites the evidence that her own experience with Adams and Fitch.

Why is the arguer a female?

4. We also need more information about two agents to support the arguer's claim.

Good luck
basawang   
Oct 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / "City park for the city !" Essay Topic [4]

Hi soshianet,

I have one question.

"Relax" could be a verb.

Why do you replace "relax" with "feel relaxed" in the first sentence?
basawang   
Oct 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city? [2]

Hi,

1. The prompt ask you to compare the countryside and the big city. But you do not mention any information of the countryside in the introduction. I strongly suggest you talk about the countryside in the first paragraph.

Nowadays living is possible on every place of the world, but still there are some differences amoung them.

This opening sentence is too broad and subjective. Living is possible on every place in the world?

How about a volcano?

2.

or instance in my country the best schools,universities and institutes are located in cities

I think you can clearly tell the readers the name of the country and cities in your example.

3.

Your second paragraph is about education.

Your third paragraph is about entertainment.

Your forth paragraph is about the Internet.

However, in the last paragraph, you only mention entertainment.

As I see, the summary is incomplete because you do not summarize all the three points you suggested.

4. "Internet" is a proper noun, so you have to capitalize "I".

Good luck
basawang   
Oct 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-The best way to relax is by exercises. [11]

Kevin,

Thank you very much for your valuable suggestion.

It is no surprise that my English is becoming better because many experts such as Kevin are willing to give me helpful advice in Essay Forum.

: )

Best regards,
basawang   
Oct 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-The best way to relax is by exercises. [11]

letho7990,

You made a wonderful glossary!

Thank you so much!!!

About the sentence structure, some people suggest me to write something simple, not too lengthy.

I think both short and complex sentences are necessary in an essay.

Indeed, I should practice writing some complex sentences. But there is no need to eliminate all simple sentences.

Good luck,
basawang   
Oct 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-The best way to relax is by exercises. [11]

isabellaclaudia,

Thanks for your help.

However, Kevin has already pointed out that the right usage of this phrase is "it is no surprise that".

Good luck
basawang   
Jan 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The steep price of petrol is not the best solution for growing traffic [4]

I guess your idea is as follows:

Although high oil price can reduce traffic loads and pollution, due to certain disadvantages, we should apply other methods to mitigate traffic and environment problems.

If this is true, you should put more emphasis on the disadvantages. I do not fully understand the drawbacks of high prices based on your essay.

Good luck
basawang   
Jan 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Natural Talent or Training with Hardwork ? Both Views [5]

In my opinion, to a certain extent this is true that some people are born or blessed with unmatched skills which makes them perfectionist in their job especially when we consider areas like sports, music and art. But it is always said " Practice makes a man perfect " , which is undoubtedly lots of people's formulas of success who are focused and have desire to perform.

So which one is more crucial, talents or diligence? You did not tell the reader your conclusion.

Good luck
basawang   
Jan 30, 2012
Writing Feedback / Getting used to the madness! culture shock I encountered. [2]

From my experience, I would like to say that culture shock is an impact of travelling from a familiar culture and trying to adjust to an unfamiliar one that normally hit people with various emotions and feelings, mostly with discomfort, uncertainty, confusion or distress.

I hadhave encountered culture shock on numerous occasions, to be honest, almost every day during 4 years of my stay in India. The major ones were the huge poverty gap between the rich and the poor , madness in traffic with no traffic lanes or rules but only noise of honking and bumps on the road , daily power cuts for a few hours.andThere is an extraordinarythe diversity of languages, religions, people and cultures in India that were beyond my imagination.

The major culture shock you mentioned here are:
1. the huge poverty gap
2. madness in traffic with no traffic lanes or rules but only noise of honking and bumps on the road
3. daily power cuts for a few hours
4. the diversity of languages, religions, people and cultures that were beyond imagination.

These are all good and valid points, but the second point is too wordy compared to the first and third point. Perhaps you mentioned too many details of the traffic in India. I think "madness in traffic" is concise and clear.

The fourth point is significantly different from others. The first point is about economy, the second is about traffic, and the third is about energy supply. They are all parts of daily life. However, the fourth point is the diversity of different aspects in India. So I believe it is inappropriate to put the forth point with others together. Maybe you can write an independent sentence for the fourth point.

Good luck
basawang   
Jan 31, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'the mental desire without money' - Happiness in life - Ielts writing. [8]

Mai Chu

Hi,

A research has shown that 50% delightful people find themselves in the bright side instead of worrying about unnecessary things. That means our points of view to a matter somehow affect the state of happiness.

I do not understand this research. First of all, who conducted this research? Second, what is the definition of "delightful people"? "Delightful" means someone or something is pleasant, lovely, enjoyable, or amusing. People who are delightful could be optimistic or pessimistic in their personality. Even if you substitute "delighted" for "delightful", I still do not follow your idea. Delighted people tend not to worry about things too much, which requires no further studies.

I hope you can talk about more details of this research.

Best regards,
basawang   
Feb 7, 2012
Book Reports / (sikhs visible manifestation of their beliefs) research my world religions class [3]

Hi,

It may be better if you tell the readers what does RCMP stand for in the first sentence: In the late 1980's an issue arose whenRoyal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP)officers were prohibited from wearing their turbans while on duty as it had clashed with an old Canadian tradition within the country's growing multicultural society.

Maybe "RCMP" is famous, but as an academic writing, it is better not to use an acronym without any explanations.
Once you have introduced the acronym "RCMP" in the beginning, you do not need to write "Royal Canadian Mounted Police" anymore in your essay

Best regards,
basawang   
Feb 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / The value of understanding ideas and concepts is higher than learning facts. [3]

Second, ideas and concepts are usually created by outstanding persons. Those people, who dedicated their whole life to specific areas and,in the endthey left all their efforts in their words in the past . Those words are the ideas and concepts we learn now. Thus, learning these ideas is not just learning it realizing the ideas themselves, but learnknowing the spiritfromof those great persons.

In conclusion, we can do nothing without any facts ; nonetheless, if we want to achieve something great, then merely holding facts is absolutely not enough. We need the help from ideas,and concepts,and those brilliant people . ("help from ideas, concepts, and brilliant people" seems weird)

Best regards,
basawang   
Feb 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay is about Dieting which can change a person's life [5]

1. "Diet" has several meanings. Diet could refer to a limited range or amount of food to people eat in order to become thinner, or it could refer to other meanings. I suggest you provide a more clear definition in the beginning.

2. "Unconscious ways" seems strange. Did you mean inappropriate or wrong ways?

3. In the second paragraph, it seems like you tried to mention the positive side of a diet, because you talked about the disadvantages of obesity, which could be solved when people are on a diet. However, you started to talked about athletes who want to gain weight!! I get confused. In my opinion, one paragraph should only have one central idea, and all the sentences should point out the direction to guide readers to the next paragraph. You did not organize your sentence well in this paragraph, so readers may fail to grasp your ideas.

4. What do you mean "in the form of muscle"?

5. Who conducted the research you cited? Besides, I do understand this sentence: If people want to lose weight successfully, they need to afford. Afford??

Best regards,
basawang   
Feb 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / would you prefer to go on a long trip by car or by train? [7]

7zyas5932,

You need to establish a new thread for your essay.

tuyetden,

I looked up in several dictionaries and web resources. I did not find any supports of what you stated: "give a life for others" means "when somebody wants to go to somewhere, I will help them."

I believe "give a lift" or "give a ride" is the correct expression.

Best regards,
basawang   
Mar 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / "Some people think that schools are merely turning children into good citizens,,, [3]

1. "Extreme" is an adjective. You need to use "extremely", an adverb to qualify the adjective "important".
2. "Almost" is an adverb. You cannot use it to describe the noun "people's life". Therefore, I put "every" in this sentence.

3. "Teenage" is an adjective. You cannot use it as a subject in your sentence. "Teenagers" is the correct term.
4. In the second paragraph, the sentences marked in blue color make readers really confused because of your grammar mistakes. For example, in this sentence "all of these things are in order to children into honest citizens and workers." "In order to" should be followed by a verb, such as "transform". Please check your grammar in every sentence, and beware of the usage of words

Sincerely,
basawang   
Apr 3, 2012
Graduate / What led you to select your program (Computer Science ) at our university ? [11]

I know tuition-free is a crucial factor for your decision. Nevertheless, I guess the committee is expecting students who appreciate the academic achievement of this program, and share the same academic interest. In your first draft, when talking about the advantages, you mentioned tuition-free first. I think that is not wise. I suggest you talk more about the research field and achievement of this program, and how do they match your own research interest.

Sincerely,
basawang   
Apr 4, 2012
Graduate / What led you to select your program (Computer Science ) at our university ? [11]

Hi,

I do not think repeating the official name of this program several times is a problem. I believe the style of this application essay should be as formal as possible. Using "it" to refer to this program seems a little bit impolite. However, this is just my opinion. I am not an expert, so I hope others can kindly comment on your question.

In addition, I have one more suggestion. In the second draft, here is your last sentence "I believe a bachelor program is the key of my future success." This sentence explains why you want to pursue a bachelor degree in computer science. Nevertheless, thousands of universities provides computer science programs for students. Why do you choose the bachelor program at the University of the People? As I see, you can firmly state that the program at University of the People is the key of your future career, not any other miscellaneous bachelor programs. Remember, make the committee believe that this program is so special, and you are exactly the one for this program!

I wish you all the best and hope you get the admission offer.

Best regards,
basawang   
Apr 4, 2012
Graduate / What led you to select your program (Computer Science ) at our university ? [11]

I made a few corrections. This time I tried to reduce the word number to less than 100, and replace some vocabularies. Now the word count is 98.

I used two acronyms, Computer Science (CS) and University of the People (UoPeople). Because these two terms are also used on the website of the University of the People, I believe they are formal terms.

"Resolve" is a stronger and formal version of "decide". "Seek" is also a formal version of "look for". I hope you can show your determination that you are eager to obtain the admission offer.

Best regards,
basawang   
Apr 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Amount of control on media information [10]

Hi,

I may not write as well as you guys do. However, one thing I know about writing is that writers should not fake any examples or statistics, which is a despicable folly.

Sincerely,
basawang   
Apr 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic. Testing on animals and keeping them in unnatural conditions [5]

Hi,
I agree with you that the responses to the same drugs could be different between animals and humans. However, I believe the differences are resulted from different biological essences. For examples, dogs and humans are different physically and genetically. In this paragraph, you pointed out that animals treated unnaturally could affect the experimental results. This is misleading because the biological nature of one species could not be changed even under natural condition.

Maybe you should rethink and reorganize your thoughts.

Best regards,
basawang   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / sat essay: should all people's opinions opinions be valued equally? [8]

Hi,

1. Your prompt is unclear because you did not finish your sentence, which makes me feel confused.
2. You did not properly structure your essay. More specifically, the structure of your paragraph is problematic. I suggest you state the main idea of each paragraph first, then provide examples or supporting evidences. Do not put examples in the beginning of a paragraph.

Sincerely,
basawang   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / sat essay: should all people's opinions opinions be valued equally? [8]

Hi,

1. You are right. I am not familiar with SAT. I am sorry to give you useless comments.

2. There is a significant difference between inaccuracy and fabrication. In these English proficient tests, inaccuracy may be understandable because of the limited time and resources. However, fabrication is fabrication. Besides ethical issues, fabricating data did not benefit your essay. Because we are not native speakers, it is usually so obvious when we lie in English. Examiners can easily discover your examples are faked unless you can fake up a story that is so real.

My question is how do you define the word "informed"?

Informed, according to Longman dictionary, is defined as a decision/choice/judgement etc that is based on knowledge of a subject or situation. So could an "informed opinion" also be a flippant one? If no, then you misunderstood the prompt. The prompt did not ask you should we take seriously about the flippant opinions made by experts?

Moreover, how do you decide who are experts? In Pavolva's case, clearly Anna Pavolva is proficient in ballet. Therefore I did not surprise that her opinions are informed.

I apologize again. I really want to help you.

Sincerely,
basawang   
Apr 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / sat essay: should all people's opinions opinions be valued equally? [8]

Hi,

I must dissent from your explanation. When someone meticulously think about one thing according to considerable knowledge of facts, then offer his or her opinion. This is an informed opinion.

An informed opinion is not necessarily given by an expert. Anyone who is serious about something can give informed opinions; in contrast, those who is flippant about something cannot provide informed opinion.

Please visit the following websites. You can find the definition of "informed opinion"

word-crafter.net/CompII/InformedOpinion.html
uwc.wikispaces.com/Academic+Terms

Perhaps I am the one who misunderstood the meaning of "informed opinion". But based on what I read, I think I am right. I hope moderators or other EssayForum members can kindly give us a hint.

Best regards,

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