Writing Feedback / 'change must come from the top' - written for English CLEP [3]

Hello,

I changed the organization of the paragraphs... try it this way! I added "s" to the end of some words, too. Now, you just need to add a powerful, reflective, concluding sentence to the end of the last paragraph. Good luck!!

Kevin

The education system in the United States has seen better days . Our scores have never been so low compared to the rest of the world. In order to change the system we must first look at the components making up the education system: the teachers and the students. The education profession has become unpopular. Students finishing high school rather study computers or business' professions that are financially and image wise, better. The United States is loosing many of its potential educators.

As for the students, living in the digital age means getting what you want when you want it. The computer with its ever changing games, programs and options causes aggravation to children when entering the classroom. In addition, children's attention span is much shorter making it harder for them to grasp complex ideas. These two variables make it very hard for both teachers and students to cooperate. Government funds must support teachers by raising salaries that will glorify the profession and attract young potential educators. Teachers need to find new ways to handle the short attention span and the students will have to deal with a long school day. This will allow more time to study, help with homework and enrichment in different areas of interest.

The change must come from the top. A government that supports and glorifies education as an important issue will win good teachers and good students that together yield - good education.

Essays / AP Literature; THESIS STATEMENT & Introduction [4]

What's this, you need to explain why you want to major in literature? Literature is human thought codified in language, written symbols! It is more exciting than anything. I think you should take another look at some of your favorite literature, and write one rhythmic, flowing paragraph. Celebrate literature.

After than, write another beautiful paragraph about your professional aspirations.

Finally, conclude by somehow connecting your favorite literature with your professional aspirations.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Lung Collapsed" Personal accomplishment UC #2 (THANKS GUYS) [2]

Great essay. You might want to remove the contractions and write the two words ("wasn't," "wouldn't").

Also, use commas to create a nice rhythm: Yes, I was confident about what I knew I could do, but I still had to face that fear every single time in order to do what I loved.

You told a nice story in the second paragraph, and now you should probably add a third paragraph to reflect on how this experience "makes you who you are." You can make room for a third paragraph by taking out some unnecessary words...

Good luck!!!

Poetry / "The things I've said" - a poem about writing [2]

Thanks for posting this! I like it. I hesitate to offer suggestions for change. Some punctuation would be nice, though, to help me know how to read it. Imagine reading it for the first time--where would you need to pause? Use some periods, perhaps, and some semi-colons.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Earthwatch experience.... Personal Statement number 2! [2]

Hello,

I took out some unnecessary words, but you can trim it down much further. Take out the sentences that are least important to you.

I separated the first sentence from the rest. Make it into a paragraph that tells what the essay is about. Then, trim away enough text to make room for a conclusion paragraph, too. You need less description and more reflection.. It is too bad that there is a word limit, because you write very eloquently. Still, you need to trim it down!

Every discovery comes from exploration. Exploration comes from opportunity. It all becomes a growing experience. (now, make this the intro paragraph)

Last November, I applied for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Award Program, after recommendation from Mrs. Bravo, my former science teacher. I was not exactly sure what I was signing myself up for, but I was encouraged by the details of the program. All Earthwatch expedition groups were led by professionals in a field of science, and all accommodations are paid for the Student Challenge Award Program winners. I was hesitant to apply at first, because I did not have a strong background in science, nor had I ever traveled alone and lived with strangers. Mrs. Bravo reassured that it would and become a prospect for my future, and encouraged me to apply . After two months of grueling anticipation, I received an acceptance packet with my planned expedition: Transient Phenomena in Astrophysics.

I had mixed emotions: happy about the feeling of acceptance, scared about meeting seven strangers, confused about astrophysics, anxious about traveling. Although I had inner issues about comfort zone I accepted the award and vowed to myself to astrophysics for two weeks. I left my parents at the security checks, I hoped onto a plane headed towards Los Alamos, New Mexico, crying half of the way.

When I arrived in New Mexico, the seven other strangers from around the country had faces. They became more familiar once we started to eat, hang out, and learn together. The Astrophysicists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the other expedition leaders were down to earth people who shared a passion for decoding the mysteries of space. Their lectures were exciting and enriching. I learned so much. The most elevating experience of the expedition was the late night observing. I explored the sky with my bright eyes and astonishment. There were so many stars! I felt like I have just discovered shiny, everlasting diamonds. They belonged to everyone, and put on display for the whole world to see; that is, if the clouds do not steal them away.

Now add a conclusion

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1, Psychology Major [5]

Oh, I understand your motivation for studying psychology. You experienced adversity as a child, and the psychologists did not really help you. You even found that some were unscrupulous. However, before losing your faith in psychology, you had a meaningful experience of observing a possible behavior disorder. In retrospect, perhaps those illegitimate psychologists from the ear plug program also experience maladies that cause their behavior! In a solid introductory paragraph, you should explain this process that gave rise to your interest in a psych major.

good luck!!

Undergraduate / "the experience of mastering Tae Kwon Do" - UC Prompt: Essay 2 [4]

Hi, this is very good! I separated the first paragraph into two... do you like it this way? I also made some minor changes, but it is already very good.

I was very reserved as a child. I never wanted to go out to meet new people or do new things. I was complacent with the things the way things were. I always hung out with the same neighborhood kids I grew up with. It took a lot of effort to get me to say hello to a new classmate, and I'd break out in a cold sweat when approached by a stranger. To say I shied away from the spotlight would be an understatement.

As an eight grade student, I walked past a Tae Kwon Do studio in session. I was taken away by the confidence and intensity of students as they trained in the martial art. Since then, I have won two silver medals in a sparring and form competitions . I have also have received my Black Belt. I never thought that achieving my Black Belt status would bring me such pride; however, my accomplishments in Tae Kwon Do played an instrumental role in shaping the self-assured person I am today.

Undergraduate / UC(#2) "Pushed Over the Edge" [3]

Hello, the biggest problem this essay has is keeping the verb tense consistent. I also fixed this sentence:

My mom walks into the living room, calling out my name but I was so fixated on the game, I reluctantly answered.

Change it to: My mom walks into the living room calling out my name, but I am so fixated on the game that it takes me several moments to respond.

You also need to keep the verb tense consistent. Go through this and bring it all into present tense, like this:

As we get closer to the park, the lights from the city slowly begin to fade and the pure essence of nature appears.

These are beautiful sentences. Now, just keep the tense consistent. Near the end, you can switch from the story to reflection, and maybe then you will want to write in the past tense, but generally you should keep the tense consistent. If you have trouble bringing it all into the present tense, bring it all into the past tense: My mom walked into the living room...

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Personal statement- what i would bring to diversity in the Rice community [3]

Hello, you obviously write very well. At this point, the good thing to do is make it more powerful by telling the story in fewer words. Thus, I would edit like this:

I am the eldest of four children born into poor family in Addis Ababa, the crowded capital of Ethiopia. My parents tried to shield me from the fact that we were struggling with money as they tried to keep us safe and, very importantly, in school. My dad was away for months at a time, driving trucks over mine-infested terrain for the military during the Ethiopian-Eritrean War--just to support my family. I began to develop independence over time, because my sister and I were usually left alone or in the care of a neighbor.

I am sure you will be accepted into Rice. Perhaps, you need to remove some sentences and talk more about "what you would bring to the diversity in a college community."

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "No pneumonia" - Common App #6---There are worse things [3]

Wow, nice job. This is a strong essay, especially because it is about something that just happened the other day. You will do well with it, because it is of real interest to the reader. Now, lets put the beginning together like this:

"No pneumonia," the doctor said. "But she does have the flu." I was infuriated. This was not how my Thanksgiving was supposed to go. I was supposed to be in Boca Raton with my family, enjoying a proper meal with turkey and cranberries and green beans and pumpkin pie, traveling to the beach the day after, soaking up the sunshine and maybe seeing Twilight or Quantum of Solace. Instead, I was stuck at home with a hundred-degree fever, unable to even stand on my own.

"It's not fair," I sobbed as my mom helped me into my bed. "It's just not fair." I, of course, had no idea what "not fair" was. (Right here, add a sentence that captures the meaning of the essay)

Take out any unnecessary words and phrases, and send it in! Great essay.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "Abacus, Plastic Coins" [2]

Hello, nice job! I would like to have you add one sentence to the first paragraph:

Right here, add an introductory sentence that sums up the truth of the essay. Residing in a quaint house that sits on a lively suburb are my mother, father, grandmother, and me. Because my dad needs to work to support the household, only my mother and grandmother are here to raise me. Add one more sentence to tell the reader that your early experience with money and numbers inspired you to seek mastery of economics.

With a good foundation paragraph (above), your pleasant writing style will be put to its best use throughout the essay. Them, connect the closing paragraph with something that you mentioned in the opening paragraph. Good luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / help with essay for aboard [4]

Take sentences in the PASSIVE voice, like this one,

"Learning new things has always been one of things I enjoyed doing."

...and make change them to the ACTIVE voice, like this: I have always enjoyed learning new things.

Also, take out unnecessary/unhelpful things like this: (this is my first choice, I might change it).

When you re-write this, you should perhaps take one strong sentence and move it to the beginning. Try revising with this sentence at the beginning: I want to study aboard because it gives a hands on experience, culture, and language. I like that sentence a lot.

Go through it, and try to clarify every sentence, like this: China has a lot of history and traditions because of having existed for such a long time.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / SAIC Personal statement - your personal vision [2]

Hi, what you wrote is all good, but you need to choose carefully what to include in this statement of purpose. Three thoughts are here: Hate my mom, want to show the world through art, and financial difficulty.

In order to make a powerful essay, you need to INTEGRATE them:

I hope to win support in the form of scholarships, because this will enable me to achieve what has seemed impossible. Financial difficulties and unhealthy relationships have thwarted me in my aspirations, but...

When you determine the central truth of the essay, you will come up with a great conclusion.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Inspiring Book that Changed My Life (holocausts) [2]

I recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl!!

About this essay, I think you could add one final sentence at the end that will directly answer the question of how the book changed your life. You explained that you agree with it... but you can also explain how it changed you.

I also made some changes to the first paragraph:

One of my favorite literary genres is history, especially stories of Jews and other ethnic and religious groups who have been persecuted. I have read many fiction and non-fiction books about this specific event, and loved every single of them-it shows the victims' effort to retain their faith, to overcome their hardships, and most importantly, to stay alive. In both fiction and non-fiction books, I always identify with the victims, like I am the main character struggling.

Undergraduate / 'Ready, OK!' - Cheer UC admissions Essay [2]

Lets put these words in quotation marks:

"Ready, Ok!" These are the words...

Also, I corrected this sentence: I was only a high school junior, so I knew little about Down Syndrome, except for the little I had learned in Biology.

Use commas to give the sentences rhythm: Before I knew it, the school year was coming to an end and graduation was around the corner.

Ahh, so now, at the end, I understand that the essay is about your accomplishment: empowering a girl to achieve her goals despite her developmental disability. You can say this in the first paragraph, so that the reader is ready for the story. Then, in the last paragraph, you can suggest that you hope to make similar contributions during your time at this school to which you are applying.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'passion for saxophone' - Additional Information about Myself [3]

Hi,

Lets make this sleek and trimmed by taking out what is unnecessary:

I did not perform as well, academically, as I should have during my early high school years. My focus was on video and computer games instead of studies. Gradually , I became somewhat anti-social. However, my dad's friend who is a professional saxophone player suggested finding a hobby-such as playing saxophone-after listening to my parents' concerns. I started saxophone right away.

I took out some sentences that were unnecessary: I spent most of my free time not studying, but playing games. My attention-interest-was on games and games only.

I like how you connected the saxophone success to your plans for college. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / so far, everyone who has read it says it's good....Magic of Music ---UC #1 [8]

I think these three lines can go together in a single paragraph:

The glissando notes, like the rushing droplets of a water fountain, instill a serenity so poised and balanced that my heart lingers in the moment. I close my eyes. The music takes me into another world-a place far, far from here. In an instant...

I like the backstory in the parentheses, and I think it is alright right where you have put it. In fact, it does not have to be in parentheses... but I kind of like it that way.

A chang for the last paragraph:

I am a piano teacher. Though I am only seventeen...

Great job!! You write well, because language is a kind of music.

Undergraduate / Mohammed Ibn Abdullah has made an impact on my life [3]

Oh, this is terrific! I only want to offer changes for the last paragraph:

I live my life with the guidance of his examples of righteousness, honesty, integrity, compassion, justice, and equity. How I walk, how I speak, how I carry myself, how I treat my mother and father, and how I behave as a son, brother, student, friend, and neighbor--that is all Mohammed in action.

Now, you should also delete this part: Mohammed died in 632 and left behind him a people united...Today Mohammed remains, more than anything else, a great role model.

By deleting that, you end with a powerful phrase, Muhammed in action.

Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

Oh, I believe you are right for particular forum...Instead of indenting, I leave a space in between the paragraphs.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1, Psychology Major [5]

Nice! Now, maybe you should start with this paragraph:

In my second year of community college, I began taking psychology classes. After taking my first psychology class, I knew I wanted to become a psychology major. I assisted and acted in a short drama that students were conducting on campus. It was a film on the psychology of secrecy, love, jealously and affection. The film is still being shown in Professor Pham's Psychology 100 lecture as part of the curriculum.

Then, start the next paragraph by connecting your study of psych with your experience of it: I remember sitting on a plush couch in a tiny room...

Then you can come back to the present and tell how your psych class prepared you for the yelling customer... and how you are now certain that the psych program at [name of school] is the way to go!

However, only take that advice if it seems right to you. It is good this way, too.

Good luck!!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "the experience of mastering Tae Kwon Do" - UC Prompt: Essay 2 [4]

When you have time, check out some books by Dr. Yang Jwing Ming, if you have not already. He teaches Taijiquan, not TKD, but it is important to learn the internal arts, now that you have so much experience! It would be a waste not to learn Qigong.

Good luck in school!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'My parents gave me the best chance' - UC promp #1-parents influence [3]

Just a few things to fix:

They never forced their will upon me or tried to steer me away from my dreams . (you had used the word "stray," which is not quit right.)

Neither of my parents had a college education, so they have had to work quite hard...

My parents' support has encouraged me to

Nice job! Your parents will feel good about themselves if you let them read this.

Kevin

Research Papers / Catch-22 Major Research Paper; "Generals Die in Bed" [7]

This is a great start.

I would add words to the thesis statement:

War does not necessarily make people lose all faith, but it does have unacceptable consequences, which include death and post-war trauma.

Only take that suggestion if it seems right to you.

As for the outline, it looks great. Does it fulfill the requirements? You will probably change it slightly as you work. Some teachers say that it is wrong to change your outline as you work, but those teachers are wrong. As you research a topic, your ideas change, which is the whole point of the assignment.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Apartment Vs dormitories at university. [3]

Great essay, let me comment on this first part:

Take out these two unnecessary sentences: Many students prefer to live in the university dormitories while others prefer an apartment in the city. Both options have their advantages and disadvantages.

Start with this: After considering the level of freedom, the studying conditions and the economic factor, I believe that I would prefer to live in an apartment in the community rather than in the university dormitories.

Now, for the conclusion, you can find a way to show that you are a driven student and a methodical thinker: It is better to be able to visit campus when you want to do so, but to have an apartment to which you can retreat and complete your studies.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Arumentative Essay(MLA Style) Is Spanking the Right Way to Discipline [3]

It might be best to use some word other than "spanking." Can you call it "corporal punishment?" Here are some thoughts:

Opponents argue, "spanking sends the message to kids that it is ok for a person to strike a smaller person" (Andero and Stewart).

For some of the things you say, you do not cite any research studies to back it up. For example: This will teach the child to listen to you and he will not go into the street again. A spanking should only be a few strikes on the buttocks. It should never be only any other part of the body. With the exception of one light tap on the hand. This teaches a child not to touch an item, such as the stove.

There is also a discussion about the age at which paddling should be used .

Now, in order to make a strong paper, you should state your thesis right at the beginning. At the start, say: Parents have to realize that they will need to discipline their children for many years. A spanking needs to be part of that discipline. People must realize that as long as the child is spanked in the proper way, it is never child abuse. It is only discipline.

However, I am afraid this cannot be a strong paper, because modern research suggests that corporal punishment is not acceptable. If you can find a recent research study that shows benefits of spanking, you should cite that article, and it will make your paper better. Try to find some research articles through Google Scholar--papers that support your argument in favor of spanking.

Good luck!!

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / help with essay for aboard [4]

With the enormous population in Beijing it has various ethnic groups, races and tribes.

I am currently taking Mandarin

China has been persevering for more than six millenniums.

A student can gain a superficial understanding of a culture by reading about it, but to live and experience...

Good luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Essay about "what I would do with some land" [2]

we should not decide their destinies for...

capability to take care of them or of whether or not they plan to keep them forever.

I think it would help if you described good use of, say, two acres of land. Describe an outdoor facility.

I could not find many mistakes to correct! Good job.

Kevin

Undergraduate / "my interest in the medical and biotechnological world-UC transfer prompt 1 [2]

Your writing is technically sound, so I will try to help improve the opening:

I'll divide the first paragraph into two. Also, take away "In retrospect," and start like this:

Humans have exponentially increased their knowledge in every scientific field during the last couple of centuries, but everyone still knows at least one person who is affected by some sort of sickness. Disease has always been a factor in human history but through the advent of ever-improving technology, we have dramatically increased our lifespan and overall healthy. I intend to study biochemistry, because it incorporates two of the biggest and fastest growing fields in science today.

Biochemistry has the versatility to allow us to work in numerous industries and look into life from the view of molecular interactions. With the increase of such pandemics as the bird flu and the ever resilient HIV virus, people are relying more than ever on drugs and the biotechnology industry, an industry that I ultimately belong in...

It is already a great essay. Good luck!!
Kevin

Undergraduate / Laughter is the best med UC transfer Promp #2 [3]

If there is one motto that I follow the most, it is this: "laughter is the best medicine." All throughout my life, I have been the center of my friend's attention with my jokes and witty comments. As I grew older, I realized that there have been many times when laughing through a rough situation is the easiest and even the best way to cope with obstacles.

End that paragraph, and start paragraph two:
In the midst of varsity swimming...

Good, do you have room to add a paragraph of reflection or elaboration, or is there a word limit that you have to stay within?

Research Papers / help me with an autobiographical research paper (the cultural diversity) [3]

Wow, did you do this research yourself, or is it somebody else's study? Cite that study in your paper.

If you are having trouble, remember to write one thing at a time. Start with anything. You can move the paragraphs around later.

I don't know what his essay is for, but it is probably just as good to write about the LACK of diversity in your community. Read some articles about the ethnicities represented in your town/city, and write your thoughts. Write about your experiences in the community.

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Well, just keep in mind your purpose: to show them that you are a motivated student who will achieve much. You can write more about the experience of tutoring, but do not forget that the purpose is to demonstrate your seriousness and clear mind.

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Essay about selecting the course. [6]

Oh, I see! Well, I bet it will help if you read about constructivist learning theory. Constructivism is all about how knowledge must be built upon pre-existing knowledge, so it supports this argument well. If you learn all about constructivism, you will do well!

Undergraduate / UC application (Activities & Awards, community service, additional comments [3]

*I need some help on the Activities & Awards section:

Artisan Club : I produced animated movies in this club. I was also in charge of producing and editing photoshop work.

Asian Pacific Club : Asian Pacific Club secretary. I took care of all the paper work, and I made a plan for a meeting and club activities.

Cross Country Team: Girls' junior varsity team

Track Team: I was a long-distance runner on the girls' varstiy team.

Community Service: At Marian Medical Center, I organized and delivered medical supplies, and I took care of all inventories at the center.

For the 3rd statement, write about your plans for the future and why their school is perfect for you. You can use specific names of faculty members to show that you have researched the school. Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I will always have a desire to help others." - UC Prompt 2 [5]

This is great! I'll just change one sentence:

As I began to question more and more, I began to form my own opinions and views. I started noticing many people in the working class who struggled, yet received little or no help. I realized that, unlike the society portrayed in the book, our government had the ability to help...

Undergraduate / Essay feedback - Issue of terrorism and its significance to me [2]

Instead of using contractions (i.e. "didn't"), write the two words separately.

For me, this meant being looked at differently, being made fun of, and even being feared or hated.

fourth instead of 4rth

twelve instead of 12

I had to accept that it was true.

I think this is a great sentence: Nevertheless, I was mercilessly put down and made fun of by my peers, who, driven by fear, shunned me for being different.

I think it will be good if you can connect this discussion with your plans involving the school to which you are applying. Good job!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "My mom and dad's office" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [11]

The only thing I want to ask about is the title: My Mom and Dad's Office

Is this title going to be used, or was it just something you wrote as a title for this discussion? To say "my mom and dad's" is not quite correct. You might want to say:

My Parents' Office

or

The Work Environment of My Mom and Dad

...and you should change it in paragraph 2: While growing up, I spent a great deal of time in the office that belonged to my mom and dad.

Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

I think you must be directing this question to other people who are applying to this school, is that right? I don't know about that school's application process...

Undergraduate / My older sister and her impact on my life - essay [4]

I once heard a quote about the people we come to meet, how only...

Usually, you should not abbreviate words into contractions, but instead just type the two words separately.

Some of them were generally good while others were of questionable nature.

You are probably wondering why,

Yes, good start, indeed. When you start to write, it is not SUPPOSED to be organized. Organize it later. If you contemplate the truths and lessons that have been revealed in relationship with your sister, you will come up with one excellent sentence. That sentence will be so goo that you will want to elaborate on it, and the writing will start to flow!

God luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / wonder and intrigue on how my high school career would unfold; UC essay "My urge for determination" [3]

I was faced with fear, wonder and intrigue about ...

I see that in many places you have a space before the period that ends the sentence.

I could see the displeasure, and sometimes fierce hatred, from my peers who simply wished to see me fail. I do candidly admit that I was a common victim chosen by bullies.

Part of my identify involves expressing myself without regad for compliance with others' expectations. I might have been a "reject" from the typical crowd, but I upheld my morals and did not let myself to be manipulated in any way. I was determined to exemplify persistence, productivity and patience regardless of external factors. Now that I look back , I realize that my determination to succeed was imperative for me to surpass and cope with the social obstacles that I went encountered .

I hope you have great success in college! Thanks for letting us help with this essay.

Kevin

Undergraduate / "my first-ever vacation" - UC app- prompt 2 [5]

For this senence,

I thanked him and we parted ways when I retrieved my food.

I think you should revise like this:

I thanked him, and we parted ways.

Other than this and the feedback that the others gave you, I find little to criticize. Good luck in school!

Kevin