Undergraduate / Medicine/ volunteer/ Visual Art ; UW-MADISON - Academic/Extracurricular/ Research [5]

Hi,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your response to the questions. I liked the way you have presented your answers, as they were apt, clear and concise. Keep up the good work!

I corrected a few errors that I found.
Good Luck with your application!

Cheers,
Leanne :)

....as a way to balance my academicacademics ....

....myriadsis a myriad of....

Try to avoid using 'obsessed' here, as it may have a more negative feeling associated with it. Instead, try using something that you'd like to pursue/have interest in/a subject that leaves you in awe.

You could also try cutting down on the use of the word 'really' in the first and second paragraphs, as it sounds repetitive after a while.

Grammar, Usage / How to cite an interview if you are interviewee and it is in person? [3]

Hi,

You can do it in two ways:
1. You state in actual dialogue: You could state your question (in bold) and then state the interviewee's answer after their name
2. You could write in the third person where you could use more conjunctions and paraphrase the response, while maintaining the meaning of what your interviewee was trying to convey.

Hope it was helpful.
Cheers,
Leanne

Undergraduate / Vision/ Intelligence/ imagination/ leadership/ action - Topic of study/ Values&Priorities [6]

Hi,

I feel that some of the sentences are disconnected from one another. Instead, try to create a better flow in each paragraph. I corrected a few of the grammatical errors that I found. Good Luck with your application!

Cheers,
Leanne :)

Graduate / Globalization and Development; Statement of Purpose/ Master's in Development Study [2]

Hi Ram,
I feel that you have described your intention to pursue the course in a well-detailed manner. Overall, there is a good flow and your points are supported well. I would suggest adding one key aspect of the course which has made you choose that one over other courses which may be something like it. Also I have corrected all the grammatical mistakes that I found.

All the best!
Cheers,
Leanne

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Is first impression enough to know about person's character..? [4]

Hi Ana,

Correction : I remember after my marriage when I met my husband's friend for the first time...

I am glad that you're sincerely trying to improving your English :) I would suggest reading newspapers and magazines on a regular basis and closely observing the sentence structures. Also, try as many essays as possible as part of your TOEFL preparation.

Don't lose confidence!! I'm sure you'll do well :)

All the Best!
.

Graduate / Personal Statement - MSc Finance at Imperial College Business School [4]

Hi!

I feel that you've got to cut down a little matter from your personal statement. It seems to be of sufficient length, but try not to exceed the A4 size mentioned.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / 'leisure activities are necessary for students' - IELTS 2 [3]

Hi Zhang,

Sure! you could stick with the last sentence :)

Also, I feel that this sentence needs to be edited:The Authority should raise people's awareness to strike a balance between adult and teenager.I was unable to understand what you meant by it.

All the best for your IELTS Exams!

Graduate / Personal Statement - MSc Finance at Imperial College Business School [4]

My interest in financeFinance originated..

....my academic aspirations: (use full stop instead of colon here)

The MSc Finance programme at Imperial College Business School stands out for me because of its practical and highly quantitative contents.I find the MSc Finance programme at Imperial College Business School unique because of its practical and highly quantitative contents.

Being aAs member of the University of Bath snooker team, ...

Good Luck!! :)

Writing Feedback / SAT essay-Do we put too much emphasis on self reliance and independence ? [2]

Dear Tanvi,

I find that you're key points are well explained and supported. I just corrected some of the grammatical errors. (mainly punctuation marks)

However, after four decades of its abject poverty, population explosion, lack of infrastructure and other problems , it finally had to take a loan from the IMF for 7 billion$$7 billion. ...

Since 1991, India sawhas been experiencing globalisation and now holds huge foreign reserves and hadhas also been benefitted by outsourcing various economic activities.

So ... solution as ultimately, it may prove harmful for usit will ultimately prove to be harmful.

It happened tooto a friend of mine too.

As a talented painter and a good student, she ...

What she failed to realize, was that it was the normal people including her friends who were responsible for her success.

Had they not encouraged her, she wouldn't have improved.

self reliantself-reliant

All the best for your SAT!! :)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 IELTS - Letter about defective kitchen product [4]

Hi Pedro,

I like your approach, though I would suggest a more formal tone throughout the letter as it is a letter of complaint :)

I tried to call your shop about this issueI tried contacting your store with regards to the issue, ...

All the best for your IELTS scores!

Writing Feedback / IELTS:narrow the gap; should wealthy nations share their wealth with poorer ones [3]

Hi,

I feel that you are contradicting yourself in the essay. Instead, try to stick to one perspective and strengthen the key points with concrete examples.

It is now a responsibility for every countriescountry to...

In conclusionTo conclude , I think wealthy countriesnations should...

Good Luck ! :)

Writing Feedback / Should or should not following local culture when travelling? [2]

Dear Sophie,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your essay. The manner in which you put forward your thought and opinions was really good. :)

I just felt that you could try making the sentences in the second paragraph a little shorter.

The initialforemost/main reason ...

Travellers, if receiving a warm welcome from original inhabitants, will feel muchIf the travelers receive a warm welcome from the original inhabitants,...

All the best!

Writing Feedback / Refections of my first week on school ( traning) [3]

Hi,

I just edited the first paragraph:
This is my first week on teaching practice at Emirates National School. This best work is working with children to make their own plan. This is very important part in High Scope and PYP curriculum, children need to follow plan. I was asked to work with the children every day in planning time to understand how its effect in children life and behaviors.I work in all class especially on planning period with Miss Magah; she is the home teacher of the class.

This has been my first week at Emirates National School as a teacher. I thoroughly enjoyed working with children and encouraged them to make their own plans, which play a significant role in High Scope and PYP Curriculum. I was asked to work with children on planning their own schedules and understand its effects.

Cheers! :)

Writing Feedback / Ielts-how to help poor countries? [4]

Admittedly, compared to other means of aid,financial aid suffers from several defects.As compared to other means, it can be observed that financial aid is more disadvantageous.

Hope this helps! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2: Sould government allocate more budget to some special subjects? [3]

Hi Ahmad,

I just went through your essay. I felt that you could make the key points a little stronger by supporting them with more concrete examples. Nice essay though :)

The advancement ofintechnologiestechnology , sciences and the educational systems have caused an ...

However, this attitude towards government funding may accompanybe accompanied by disappearance of some subjects...

According to what was discussed above,As explained / To conclude, the downsides of this educational policy are more than its advantages. FromIn my perspective, all ...

Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / Sat essay: is an idealistic approach less valuable than a practical approach? [6]

Hi,

I just felt that you are contradicting yourself in the essay. Try to take a firm stand for or against the statement.

A few errors:
Margarere Mitchell, one of the most influential female authorauthors in U.S. history, tells us how an idealistic approach buildscan build a world-famous writer.

The examples of Margarette and Mary can explain why idealistic approach is not less valuable than practical approach.

All the best!

Speeches / Career Goal Speech-Criminal Justice - how to start? [3]

Hi,

A couple of suggestions:
1. Try to introduce the topic with something that inspired you (relevant to the course your applying)
2. Maybe a line or two on what you are doing in order to gain more experience in the field
3. What u expect from the career/how it's beneficial
4. Field of interest

Also, try to add experiences/unique events in your life that made you pick this career :)

Here's hoping you are able to come up with an awesome essay!!!
Cheers =)

Letters / 'a person who wants to be success' - Motivation Letter for MBA [2]

I went thru your 1st paragraph =)

My first job at the hospitality's industryin the hospitality industry ...

The experience led me intoto ... in the multi-cultural environmentsa multicultural environment. ...

Before joinedjoining ...

Good Luck on ur MBA Course!

Letters / Postdoctoral motivation letter (the faculty of Law, Economics, and Finance) [2]

Hi Vahid,

Your motivation is detailed and very clear :) I just thought that you could edit the following grammatical errors:

...are tightlyvery closely related to the topic.

...non tangiblenon-tangible, ...

Furthermore, as a graduate student, I combined the research and the teaching.

...very good skill in programming with Matlab and Mathematica, which I believe it isare essential...

If you require any further information, please call or write me an email.Please do not hesitate to contact me if further details are required.

Thank you very much for your consideration and looking forward to hearing back from you.Thank you for considering my application and hoping to hear from you soon,

All the best!!

Scholarship / 'Biology and I will help people around me' - APCF Area of Study Prompt [2]

Hey =)

I find that the approach towards the topic is pretty good!

However, instead of Barbiesdolls and shining tiaras, I find that my memories are stocked withfull of vivid photos of rainforests and savannah wildlife.

I just felt that you could chronologically list the reasons which led you to take up a Biology Major. As in, first you started with your childhood, then moved on to your aspirations and then back to a childhood incident.

Instead, move from the first paragraph and gradually to your aspirations at the end.

I'm sure that you'd write a great essay :) All the best!

Writing Feedback / 'opinions regarding world culture' - essay for TOEFL [4]

Hi,

I read through your essay. I found that there is a little contradiction in the essay. It might probably make the essay stronger if you stick to one side of the argument and support it with examples.

Teachers give topics to the students who should research on the internet to find data, and then students should type their research by using a computer and even give a presentation by using PowerPoint.

Some people might argue that there are some cultures such as making foods which are unicqunique in each culture, and technology cannot affect them.

Nice approach to the essay though =)

All the Best!

Writing Feedback / I wish to purchase a business and not a house if I have enough money [3]

It is interested and I never think that before.That was an interesting question which I had never thought of before.

Firstly, I will have owned business, which's the happiest thing I can do.my own business which is very encouraging . (I hope this is what you are trying to convey here)

Poetry / Compare and contrast two poems or songs focusing on sound and rhythm [4]

Hi Danielle,

I'm not really sure about the format that you should be following for such an assignment, but I could suggest a few things that could help you with the project:

1. Compare the theme used by the poets: Descriptive? Emotional? Panegyric?
2. Contrast the characters: Outgoing? Pleasant? Introvert?
3. Distinguish between the styles used: Rhyme Schemes, patterns followed, etc.
4. Also, try to focus a little on the conditions in which the poem was written by the poet so as to portray its effects on the poem. (Like times of war -- its effects on the poem. eg: In the poem Survivors by Siegfried Sassoon / poverty, etc.)

Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / ielts exam - beneficial for international situations to hold large-scale competitions [2]

Hi Wang,

I edited your first two paragraphs...

In popular events, for instance, the Football World Cup and other international sporting occasions, the athletes, coming from various countries, gather together to represent their countries to participate in the games. (I think you should shorten the sentence a little)

Other than to win the gamesRather than concentrating on winning the game , the most important aspect is to have a chance to show and communicate with each other in the stage of the world . Through this stage , the country can realize foreigner cultures from a different view, contributing to tense relationship with some others. A nation can hope to ease tensions by means of friendly matches... (I hope this is what you are trying to imply here)

All the Best on your IELTS scores! :)

Writing Feedback / I support the fact that grades encourage the students to learn [3]

Hi Sufia,

I think you could edit this :)

Every individual person is a student for life.

In school grades signify the goals to bethat have been achieved.

Overall, your essay is good. I'd suggest that you space out the paragraphs a little while presenting it.

All the Best!!!

Letters / Introduction email to prospective PhD supervisor [3]

Hi,

I think you should edit this:

I am interested to in working work in the domain of ****** in the ******** Research Group during my doctoral studies.

Cheers!

Writing Feedback / MY IELTS writing exercise: Interaction that changed by technology [4]

Hi Chen,

I read through your essay..I feel that the first para could be made stronger with more material and then you could quote the example.

Further more, children who raiseare raised in such a ....

It makes the communication more convenient and efficient.

Also, at the end, i think you should use 'To Conclude'.

Good Luck on your IELTS Scores! :)

Writing Feedback / Essay about whether creative artists should express their ideas in public freely [5]

Hi Tianyu,

I like the way in which your essay is written. I feel that you should add one or two more examples to support your arguments and make it stronger. I also found acouple of things that I thought you could change:

However, oO n the other hand, it is unwise for government to allow artists to express their feelings freely.

Governments should establish restrictions on artists ....

Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Travelling benefits for the travellers [6]

Hi Jay,

I just thought that you could edit on the following sentences:

People travel places for the various reasons.

...attend a family functions.

manyMany people have...

Business has grown to manyfolds at country levelsAt the national level, Business has grown manifold, due to which many are frequently travelling to other countries.

A lotLot of people....

To conclude, in todaystoday's busy life people...

I like the manner in which the essay is written :)
Good luck on your IELTS Scores!

Writing Feedback / 'the leadership or talented architects' - Successful sport professionals [3]

Hi,

Just went through your essay..It seems like you are supporting the first side of the argument in the first para and then strongly supporting the latter in your last para. I'd suggest that you be a little more firm on which opinion you support to what extent. (Because it seems like your contradicting yourself a little) :)

It is undoubtedundoubtedly true....

However, iI believe that the problem...

I like some of the points mentioned though.

Good Luck on your IELTS scores!!! =)

Writing Feedback / 'Students are developing more and more interest in arts and literature' - ielts essay [4]

Hi Farina,

I just edited a couple of things:

It is true that in resentrecent years many people are developing more and more interest in arts and literature.

... sombresombersolesoul , but science provides....

Hope this helps. Good Luck! =)

Writing Feedback / Don't Focus Only on Grades [2]

Hi Terry,

Wonderful essay!

I just felt that you could edit this part:

Obviously, grades are not the only goal, that schools expect their students to achieve.

And in the last para:TheseThis once again proved that how not important grades are.

All the Best :)

Scholarship / 'where education was the least of importance' Statement for architectural Scholarship [3]

Hi Kapani,

I just found a couple of things that you could edit upon:
I havehad never heard about architecture whenwhile in junior high, until I was introduced to it by my uncle.

Also, we are richly blessed with the beauty of nature.

If granted athe scholarship I would work reallyvery hard and harvest invest all my time in learning so that upon returning, the knowledge I gained would be a treasure for my home country.

All The Best!!! :)

Essays / Ideas about a topic of local/national/international issue of concern? [4]

Hi Hui,

I'd suggest that you try reading newspapers or watch documentaries on issues of local/national/international concern. Also, try to focus on a topic that you as a student is facing/ its relevance in today's world, etc.

Try researching quite a bit on the issue as you will need to be well-versed with the topic to write an essay on it. Mention why it is of importance to you clearly.

Hope this helps :)
Cheers!

Graduate / SOP for applying in Germany - Starting phrases [3]

Hi,

Just edited a couple of things:

I have always been attracted by the day to day mechanized working of the world and since my school days, Science has always been a stimulant of my attentionEver since my school days, science and mechanized working has attracted me(Just to shorten a little) .

I have also been dexterous with my toys and engineered them as I have found most of them in pieces or half opened and my thirst for engineering never quenched. (I'd suggest that you change it a little as to how you put the pieces of the broken toys together. A little editing in the sentence would do.) My skills in Sciences particularly mathematicsScience and Mathematics has continued to nourish and blossom throughout my schooling and at university as well . and I enjoy applying my scientific and mathematical concepts in routine life problems.in real life situations and problems.

I have been interested in mM athematics throughout my primary and high schools and I have continued to develop this talent of mine with consistent hard work. My entry into the Science stream has always been motivated by achieving good grades in this subject in the early phase of my life. (Change this a little)

I like the approach to your essay! Good Luck on your Application!!! :)

Undergraduate / becoming one of the best Certified Public Accountants- Austin Transfer Essay-My Dream [3]

Hi Ashlyn,

I'd suggest that you space out the paragraphs a little more. It will improve the clarity a little. The essay you've written is nice :) I don' think that you've got to change anything, except for this:

During myMy senior year ofat high school, ....

Good Luck on your UT Austin application!!

Scholarship / 'passion for Aviation' - Engineering Scholarship - Sophomore in Uni [4]

The sentence is perfect!! (There's no grammatical mistake as well.) Stick with it..I don't think that you've got to add anything else..cuz this sentence is already long. :)

Cheers!

Writing Feedback / what does it mean to live in a democratic society and how has it affect you. [2]

Hi Meme,

One of my favorite quotes of all times is by Leo Rosten; he made a statement that will forever be planted in my heart. He oncewho said "The purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, and to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." (Wow really nice quote :) )

I always believe that our purpose ...

I suggest that you use only one quote (the first is better) since it's a short paragraph and you don't want too many quotes in them. Instead, replace the quote with another sentence on how it has affected you.

I like the approach to the topic though. (The description of your participation in school)

All the Best!

Scholarship / 'passion for Aviation' - Engineering Scholarship - Sophomore in Uni [4]

Hi Arth,

I like your essay :) Just found a couple of things that I feel you should edit..

I instantly knew my reply to that question.; I had known for a long time.

Planes have always been my prime desire. (I think u should change it to something like: It has always amazed me/ interested me/ fascinated me, etc)

All throughout my life, primarily due to my father's nature, the primary(There's a repetition of 'primary' in the line, try changing it to something else) topic of discussion at the dinner table has....

I wish to win this scholarship in the hope that for all the help I have received from Embry-Riddle and its staff I can, one day, repay ten-fold. (Mention how u are going to repay - Is it by using your degree to help the community?)

Good Luck on your scholarship application!!!

Writing Feedback / Money can be ineffective and counterproductive part of the job [3]

Some people agree that money is the most important aspect of a job. But what is a matter of debate is that money is just a part of a job. (I didn't get what you are trying to imply here) No one will deny that a job can benefit us in many aspects of people's life. is not beneficial. As far as I am concerned, money is not the most important aspect of a job. A job not only provides the means of sustenance but also a keen appetite for pleasure even in its simplest and most modest form.

On one hand, from my point ofIn my opinion,view the most part of a job is the fact that job can provide pleasure...