Undergraduate / "successful artist" - The University of Texas at Austin [11]

Well done, this is a very fine essay. There is practically no grammar mistakes, and you are expressing clearly. I would suggest that you paragraph your ideas so that it can look more organized. e.g.

Their rewarding experiences with UT and the promising futures they have truly inspired me.
I moved to Texas from Taiwan when I was fifteen years old. I have worked my way through high school and college, and supported my older brother while he was in UT.

Also, I would say that you need to elaborate on the thing or things you try to focus on, it just seemed a little scattered. now you are talking about the success you have seen, then you go on about your work experience. The point here is not talking about how successful UT students are, (though certainly you can talk about it, but i recommend saying a little less about it) it is that what more you can talk about yourself other than what they have asked, you know, maybe about what work experience you had, stuff like that.

angela

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Hi,

this essay is great, it completely expressed your opinion. Your essay is fine and doesn't sound militaristic. Just suggesting, it's a little bit to long, but maybe this is what it should look like.

angela

Undergraduate / We have only one space left in UB's freshman class, tell us why you deserve for this place? Buffalo [16]

ethnicities, religions and cultural backgrounds

from scratch in 2004

In our first year, we lost all the matches we played and ended up 4th in the group stage

persisted until we won our first bronze medal in 2006 (until is better and more formal than till)

Every Tuesday, I coach elementary students for soccer. I feel that I have a great responsibility of passing on this sport to the next generations and being a role model to them.

our little brothers and organize trips for them (I strongly suggest you add "and sisters", don't be mean, girls are a part of the world!)

Your essay is generally fine, there are some details you should focus on to make this essay better like, elaborating a little about the environment in BU that fits you blah.

Undergraduate / the transfer essay (setback you have faced) [4]

Hi lam,

there are indeed some mistakes in your last paragraph. I didn't understand a lot of it, please rewrite and read it out loud before you continue, this would make it much better.

angela

Undergraduate / Umichi transfer short answer (respect for differences) [6]

In the silent library of the College, while typing Chinese on the computer, I found there was breath behind me.

"I was curious why he is looking at the screen ." maybe better, just my suggestion.

Due to my curiousity,I politely asked him, " Excuse me, would you mind to tell me what are you looking at?"

He found my existence when I asked him the question. (you can't say "find existence" here, the whole sentence is just not right. Use "he finally noticed me")

a native American, An American is better. Do you mean local people, if so, that would be local, or just American. Native american means the early indians that inhabited the area. So your sentence would be: I kinda of rewrite the sentence in my meaning, if you wouldn't mind.

"In the place where you can hardly find a Chinese, it's unbelievable that an American pointed out my mistake in my native language."

After that , we often learn things from each other. He teach me English while I teach him Chinese.

Although Chinese is not as important as English is, I have been beginning to teach simple Chinese to people who are really interested in the language since I met my American friend . Therefore, hopefully, I will be able to meet that kind of people in University so that I can contribute in this subject more .

The fact is that we usually call each other friends rather by our ethinic status.

angela

Undergraduate / Overcome a dissapointment essay [4]

First of all, you didn't write your prompt, so i can't really tell you whether you are sticking to it.
From what I have seen, your essay conveys a sense of integrity, something that I don't really possess and I admire you for that.

good luck

Undergraduate / We have only one space left in UB's freshman class, tell us why you deserve for this place? Buffalo [16]

I mean linnus is right, if you want a bolder way of saying that would be:

why do you want to attend XX university? tell us something interesting that will made us accept you, excluding your grades.

however, i don't really thing that you should move onto the extracurricular parts. I mean, there are a lot of things you can tell about yourself, and they are just giving you examples of what your essay should be about, just like a sample topic. There is really no need to follow it, and to me, it would sounds kind of cookie-cutter if you do write it that way

Undergraduate / SUNY or Common App which is better ? [9]

Well, rich monte is right. university admission officers are trying to find out as much about you as possible in order to know you better, but if you decide that you would not write an essay (which, in my opinion, is not the smartest way around), you should really try to show your personality and other information that are suppose to be on the essays as much as possible.

Undergraduate / 'volunteering at Ability First' - University of Southern California Transfer Essay [10]

I agree with the others, you made your point and the essay sound great. There is just one suggestion that I am going to make: during your overall volunteering experience, at what point and how has it made you to see things different from what it was? Maybe you should specify on the particular thing, like the feeling you have when Eric first succeeded in something, blah.

Undergraduate / Why GWU? This new beginning. [6]

Yeah, I got an idea that probably would made this essay better.

Your essay do convey the sense that you need, and I would like to suggest a little more.

One of the most important thing in your essay is the first paragraph. I don't mean it doesn't fit, it fits perfectly. But, the thing is when you spent almost 200 words talking about a place, it made this essay sound more like a city guide than understanding the places and I had little difficult time with the transition you made. SO my suggestion is: cut some of them, not all of them though.(It's an amazing intro.)

And for the rest of the space, I suggest you say something more than studying abroad and internship. I mean, come on, this thing is offered by EVERY single university. It certainly doesn't make it special and unique.

What I would do is say more about its surroundings, Yeah you already did that, but maybe just elaborate it a little more. Cause, you know, DC is the place when politics meets reality, so maybe you should write a little more about that. For example, how you imagine you would sit at the office of secretary of state and talking on the phone with xx president, etcetc.

angela

Undergraduate / UGA short essays on application.. [6]

Well, the first one is pretty easy.
Write something that can show yourself, that you didn't write about in the CommonApp.

And the second one,
During the last 3 years, what experience, specifically, have you had that made you see the world differently.

I mean, honestly, though they are saying different things. Colleges are all making us writing the same topic.

angela

Undergraduate / 'ways to better myself' How has family history, culture influenced who you are? [2]

This essay is generally well-written, including the vocabulary you use and the grammar.

However, I do not find a very strong sense of interest in your essay that will keep me read it again and again. To accomplish this, you can try to write about something more specific than general.

angela

Undergraduate / USC Essay ignorance in the presence of knowlege [5]

Well, here is a great piece. As a Chinese visitor student, I do understand and see some of your points. However, here is what I recommend: don't mention James, don't mention what he thinks or does. It is totally unirrevalent and unpersonal to reveal other people's stuff. I honestly wouldn't think this is a good idea.

Someone once told me, if you want to write a public letter, you can not make enemies. You can say, in my opinion, there are still many people being racist even though they themselves are a part of it, or something like that. In this way, you are stating what YOU think, rather than BLAMING what others think and do. I mean, what happens if James under alias came across and happen to see this essay? I advice you to think twice before you write.

Angela

Student Talk / Can't edit any part of the common application, although I haven't submitted it yet. Why? [16]

Well, I think there might be some technical problems regarding your application.

However, there is a chance that it's submitted. NYU supplements have red arrows rather than green, and says it was downloaded rather than submitted, and I applied to washington university in st. louis, the supplement was indicated by red rather than green triangle and it says offsite, I presume they mean the same thing since i can't alter it in any way. So, if any of the above happens, it definitely meant it's submitted

and the payment thing: unless you made the payment on the commonapp website, it will have a red triangle for you. my WUSTL pays on their website and they also have red triangle instead of green ones.

angela

Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

Lattent, please be patient, when you have violate the rules of the website, you won't get any help.

Undergraduate / Submitting in 2 hours: Cornell Architecture Supplement [4]

"Mom, we are gonna land on dad's plane !"

Therefore, my interests have grown from seeds of the profession and gone hand in hand with it.

Years have passed and I have finally came to the realization. The profession of architecture, which I have been absorbing naturally since my childhood, is the spontaneous choice.

Here are some of the things I have corrected, I'm not sure whether this is good grammar, and you can scrap it whenever you need. By the way, I think you might need to rewrite(paraphrase) the last paragraph to make it more convincing. Like saying, for all these years I have waited, I will finally be immersed in the knowledge of architecture, or something like that.

angela

Undergraduate / Is it common app worthy ("My job is in the Pacoima Branch Library") [5]

Yeah, it's pretty good regardless whether it's about grammar or structure. Your essay shows me the other side of the community and there is definitely no need to scrap it.

However, I do think you need another kind of style for your concluding paragraph. It sounds a little like a to-do list, and I suggest you to connect them and establish a writing that every sentence is connected to each other.

angela

Undergraduate / Common App and Artist's Statement. [4]

Your essay is brilliant! until now, it's one of the best that I have seen. There are virtually no mistakes in grammar and spelling, the the structure and examples are just so good.

angela

Writing Feedback / An essay about privacy and communication [4]

I'm sorry that I can't really give you a good advice since you have not written the prompts.

The thing about your essay, which I guess is a TOEFL essay, is the example given. a good essay must have a firm and strong example that would give the essay its wings. In your essay, I do not see them.

I can only say your example is, in a way, confusing. Your first example says that having multiple phones in house make it possible to blow the conversation. However, this may happen everywhere and it's not about privacy security, it's about whether or not the phone itself is secure.

Your second example about recording the conversation is about trust issues, which also, has nothing to do with telecommunication security.

The hackers may be a proper example. it's true that hackers may cause your information loss, but overall, this is the only example that I would say is informative.

Angela

Undergraduate / Univ of Illinois Essay! ("girl from India") [3]

A girl is always considered inferior than a boy.

Learning about different types of engineering careers available fascinated and motivated me.

Learning about Fischertechnik ROBOPro Software to make a marble sorter was another unique yet a fun experience.

Well, I don't think your essay express the profession idea clearly. This is an important part of the question, but you didn't answer it in a very good way. You talk about how coming to US help you to fulfill the goal that you can study alongside others, however, some the third paragraph is just not so necessary. If I were you, I would write more about the experience I have or someone I met that helped me realize that I truly want to be a software engineer.

angela

Undergraduate / 'With great power comes...' - Common App- Spiderman [4]

Some of your sentences are kind of weird and very hard to understand the concept, especially when you use a word twice in one sentence.

He becomes so burdened with doing the right thing that which right thing is best becomes the conflict for him.

Yet, because he has the power to do something, because of his ability to bridge the gap between the suffering and their salvation, because someone must help the helpless...he does.

While most of the others are pretty good, I guess there will be no need for anything further to add in the structure, but maybe a little in grammar.

angela

Student Talk / Can't edit any part of the common application, although I haven't submitted it yet. Why? [16]

That's for sure. You can't change anything once you have submit the commonapp for any colleges. However, you do can change the things you wrote in the supplements. (Honestly, I had made a same mistake as you last year.)

You should really read the intructions and the words in the application carefully, especially when you are about to submit it.

Another word of advice, print the copy or save the application when you submit it, cause you might need it later.

angela

Undergraduate / NYU short answers - Patience, perseverance / Drama, Theater clubs / "Breakaway" / Management [4]

Since I was a young child, I have been a very patient boy.

the example you are trying to give is not very contructive, try something else.

I would love to join the Drama/Theater clubs in NYU. It is the program that I always look for.
... provide many experiences and guide young students who are interested in Art of drama

not very solid, it sounds like you are not sure why you should choose this program.

... special to me because when I first listened to the song, I was very ...

a fine response, but this is a very typical one that anyone could have written. try to come up with something unique.

I have been interested in Management and ...
... Korea this summer, I got an audition and the director said that I have the potential to be an actor. T

I don't see why you like the schools or programs that NYU offers.

angela

Undergraduate / Last minute Columbia Essay ("Everyday was the same.") [6]

well, you start out as a pretty good opening, but the more I read the more I became kind of boring.

However, all of this changed, starting my junior year. (I think it's senior rather than junior)

first of all, you didn't exactly say how you have changed you attitude toward things. your essay is like cooking, I told you how to mix the ingredients and suddenly, booon, the cake is ready. Get that? This is the feeling I have when reading your first paragraph.

Your second paragraph, what is the new method of learning? why are you implementing it? how was the failure a good lesson for you?

last paragraph, I would change "Everyday, I look back at how I hated to be social, and how I always said no to things. As I changed, I started saying yes to many things, such as hanging out, volunteering, helping teachers and parents, and even teaching my best friend's little brother algebra." to Everyday, I look back at how I hated to be social, and how I always said no to things. As I changed, I started saying yes to many things. There's no need for all the examples, you may list one or two, but more looks just not so nice.

and one very important thing that you did not mention is how you became interested in dentist or columbia, I mean i don't know the topic, but when it comes to this kind of college essays, it's always helpful to say a little about your intended major or the school, (that's what i think anyway)

angela

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay- a bit shaky? [5]

Well, I think the second opening is better. Your essay is very well written, but here are the tip to make it better.

Eliminate the commas. You put too much of them, making the sentences kind of hard to read. Try to reduce the sentence or cut some examples.

angela

Undergraduate / A future full of opportunities - Boston University Supplement [5]

Overall, it's genuinely good. here's some mistakes you made:

Having spent the first eleven years of my life living in a busy city in northeastern China, the move to the quiet Corona in California was a big adjustment for me. Simple things like buying a bag of popcorn from a vendor on the sidewalk or watching toy-like cars go by from the top of a tall building became luxuries that I had to learn to live without(I think you are talking about something new that you have not experienced before, maybe it's live with not without).

Student Talk / Question about Syracuse (how to upload multiple essays?) [5]

Maybe you should check the application again.
What do they mean by multiple essay?
did they tell you to write more than 1 essay?

if so, i guess you will need to put all essays into one document with all their titles on them, and upload them together

Undergraduate / "Oh" - UVA (your fav word) [4]

This essay is pretty funny, I guess you can call it special.

The Oh is a very special word since it has countless meanings.

I think you did a very good job in depicting the word, good luck with your application.

angela

Undergraduate / My first track meet - writing about an experience. Commonapp/Stevenstech essay [7]

Well, as a fiction, this might be a good piece of work regarding its description of the race. However, if this is for the college essay, i wouldn't be so sure.

First of all, only until I finished your last paragraph, i had realized that you were talking about team spirit (or is it chain event?). This clearly fails the topic.

So I suggest you rewrite the main paragraphs so that it fits the concluding paragraph, or rewrite the concluding paragraph to fit the main paragraph.

angela

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Essay (embrace the unknown) [2]

I want to go forth in my life without knowing what is going to happen next and I want to deal with the problems that arise from this journey.

Try to use more Without than Not, because a single word that repeats too many times makes the sentence not so flowing.

I suggest you write something else rather than the blue sky in your concluding paragraph, that would make it much better.

Overall, you did a terrific job!! This is one of the few essays that I actually love a lot. It's kind of deep and mysterious, then you found out this is the way life is suppose to be. Excellent work! I love it!!

angela

Undergraduate / MIT Essay (End of the World) [13]

Bravo!

This is a very interesting story! You made it live and meaningful, overall, it's kind of exciting and make people nervous. but i guess it's not mentally challenging. all i see in this is how the action went, you did talk about your imagine the future and desperate. however, i suggest you focus more on that emotion throughout your essay. maybe that will be better.

angela

Undergraduate / Bucknell optional essay.. the culture of the U.S. [4]

hi akash,

I think you are missing part of the question. what did you discover about yourself during this process? i think this might be the most important part of the question since the importance of a college application essay is to let the readers to know something about you.

angela

Essays / Transition between paragraphs [5]

I don't think so. maybe you can use it, but the thing is: from less than 6 writings(just an example), how can you expect the admission officer to know you as much as possible when you are using repetitive essays?

Undergraduate / Making best of a bad situation; Yale Supplement - Divorce [4]

waow, this is a very good essay. Your topic certainly reflect your life.

But here is some advice to make it better.

First of all, as i said, this essay reflect your life well. but what about you? your life is what you have experienced, yet what they want to know is how you feel all way along. try to say that. (do you know why i said that? as a single child in a single family, i understand what you have been through. However, someone once told me the most important part is not you experienced physically, it's the mental part.)

and also, try to make your sentence shorter. I kind of lost in the 3-line sentence in the first paragraph.

one last thing, if you want to cut, cut the first paragraph. I'm not going to suggest what to cut, but it would definitely be the first paragraph.

angela

Undergraduate / "My passion in economics" - Cornell CALS [2]

Throughout your essay, it's pretty well done. But I think you need to rewrite a few sentences to make the essay smoothier.(Just my suggestion)

Economics is my passion.

However we can also see the impact of bad economic policy.

Gone are the days when a lone economist can sit alone and weave together a new theory to describe the world.(I didn't understand this part clearly, so try to make it easier to read for the audience)

And some corrections:
I suggest you interchange the position of the second and the third paragraph, that would probably make the essay better.

And make the last paragraph longer. sometimes people do that, and it seems like they have just make another paragraph for one sentence. It's not necessary.

Undergraduate / Need help on short answer (Acceptance and respect) [5]

I have a better idea for your essay structure.

Can you try to shorten your example about the cancer research to one or two sentences and leave the rest space to tell more about how this effects your community.

Angela

Undergraduate / common app short answer ("the smallest player on the court") [4]

Your essay doesn't convey its meaning. it says elaborate on one activitiy, but I'm not sure whether you are talking about basketball, or varsity. and your essay sounds a little too elicit, too concrete. maybe you can change by not saying so much, but say in a clear way.

Undergraduate / UPenn: A Bold Choice (Why UPenn?) [5]

well, it doesn't have to be kevin to correct this, does he? you know that he's very busy, every one wants help from him, but we contributors are also here for your writings, don't forget that.

Your overall structure is well done, but there are some bad word and sentence choices. here,:

I was very impressed by the representative's enthusiasm for the University and (you can use how it can change my future instead of)what it could do for me.

One of my top concerns applying to college is the prospect of narrowing down my diverse interests to a single major.

"All in all, it's as if Penn made the program just for me." should be replaced by "It seems like Penn designed those programs just for me."

Hope these helps,
Angela

Undergraduate / Syracuse Supplement (aspirations + work experience) [9]

one of the most important things i learned from writing public essay is not to offend anyone, especially to coincide with others' opinions.
to me, you shouldn't say that your experience is very unique and one of the best, because this is not for you to decide. it's the readers who critic about the essay. so try not to make your essay sound arrogant.

angela

Undergraduate / unc long essay (my math teacher) [3]

it's pretty good, your essay about your favorite teacher.

but i think you missed a part, you mentioned he is your friend, but I don't see how or what makes him your friend.

P.S if you don't mind, i think this is a very typical chinese essay. i'm a chinese myself, but after going through different types of education, i think this essay is very complementary. it doesn't and wouldn't stand out from the rest of the people applying to this college, i think. maybe you should write some examples that would make your essay unique rather than duplicate.

angela