Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. When I read my essay, I knew there were something that has to be wrong, but I can't really find it.

How about my structure? I mean does this essay not saying what I want it to say? I saw others' princeton essays. They're much better than mine, but honestly, I don't know how to improve it? can someone suggest some advice?

Thanks so much,
Angela629

Writing Feedback / Essay: "What is art for me?" [4]

wikipedia.org

"still life"

The people who are not connected to artists nor are their jobs are less likely to show up in gallaries and art museums because everyday life smashes them.

The first and one of the most popular pop culture is the art of Graffiti

Art is something for those who are not with open eyes, but with open minds.

When we see the picture, we are not looking at just a landscape or portrait, we are observing the artist's needs and emotions reflected by the needs of society for art.

Except the second paragraph, I think you did a pretty good job in you essay. I can see the types of arts you are trying to convey and the your sense and definition of arts.

However, I do not see the linkage between the first paragraph and the third paragraph. You did not say why people stopped going to museums and why people start to like street-art instead. I think you should elaborate more on those 2 points in your second paragraph.

But anyway, good luck with your last piece of work.
Angela629

Writing Feedback / Essay: "What is art for me?" [4]

Those are just some mistakes you made.

Undergraduate / NYU talent show song short answer [5]

I would choose to sing "Helpless" by Neil Young. My reason for choosing this song is because of the message Young sent through the lyrics and tone. He described that it's a difficult thing to grow up in a place you despise all your life, but after you get out of there you discover that it was your home all along. Young paints a picture in his listeners' minds through the nature-inspired lyrical imagery about "a town in north Ontario."

Here are some mistakes you made.

I wonder you should elaborate more on the part about why you like the song, if you don't have space, I suggest you delete the last sentence

Good Luck,
Angela

Undergraduate / The click of a camera shutter; NYU short answers [all five] [4]

Hi soundclash,

I think your summer essay pretty much concluded what you have done, but if you want to add something, I suggest you go for the feeling or achievement about the trip or the skill (as the ending sentence).

Your club essay sounds pretty convincing, but despite the fact, I would agree with Christine. It's kind of confusing. In the first sentence, you used 2 would, which made it sound repetitive. And I suggest you change the semicolons to periods.

And the rest of them sounds pretty good to me.

Good Luck of us that are applying to NYU!

Undergraduate / Princeton Summers - Korean [2]

I think the overall of the essay is pretty well done, but may I suggest you use another example for your essay?

I don't consider hearing out a HKUST to be very connected to your half of essay about becoming a korean. I think you should stick to that topic, but I think say something from what you have learned in Korea ever summer is better. Besides, Princeton asks you about the last TWO summers, so you can probably elaborate some on that as well.

However, these are just my thoughts, and the way I wrote my princeton summer essay. Just hope this helps,
Angela

Undergraduate / THIS IS MY ESSAY FOR UIUC,I THINK IT REALLY NEED ENHANCEMENT [4]

favorite

Honestly, I think that learning math shouldn't be exactly said as an interest. In my opinion, you can say more about how your mother's math career has helped you realize your goal in math and probably give an example cause abstraction never wins reality, and write less about how learning math has made you a whatsoever.

Also, I think you should relate this idea to the the idea that math in XC is good for you, or stuff like that.

Hope this helps,
Angela

Undergraduate / Essay word limit tip for students [9]

But I think that the common application's short answer has a limit a 150 exactly, or you wouldn't be able to send it. I tried that before, click save instead of save and next, and it will tell you how much you are over the limit.

However, it's kind of weird cause my personal essay is 5 page and I know that's way too long, but I don't know how to cut it and i sent it just like that. Hope university would accept that.

Undergraduate / Upenn "Your interest..." (business) [4]

It's pretty good, considering the outline and the structure, but I'd like to point out a few mistakes.

First of all, you used a nearly replicate phase in:
Huntsman Program offers great opportunities by combining my two most interested areas in one program. A dual degree from the school of arts and science and from Wharton school of business is very appealing to me. By combining my knowledge in both areas of concentration, I can develop deeper and more thorough understandings of how economy and politics have mutually influenced each other.

It sounds replicated, may be you should change it.

Also, the example that you see from the Upenn website is not a very good example. I mean the photo is true of course, but the way you describe it just sound like you don't know the university at all.

And the last one, (this is just what I thought, never mind it) Upenn is a public school. You don't sound like an us citizen, so i just want to warn you about it. us public university has a very small portion of international students, and since it's an ivy league, it's probably more difficult for you to get into it. Just an opinion,

Angela

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Piano [15]

I agree with amy. It's good enough that people wouldn't notice its length.

However, I did found some of the things that you can try to improve. (this is just my opinion)

I think you focused on your childhood part more, and the struggle presented in your essay is not very well explained. You said you hated the piano and you wanted to make you lesson with the woman next door very difficult. But you didn't elaborate on those critical parts, and making the essay looked kind of incomplete. Try to write a little more about it.

Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

Overall, your essay is pretty good. It has a strong sense of belonging and participation. I like it very much, but I think there are some little grammartical mistakes you should check.

:)

Undergraduate / NYU short answers (family trait, NYU activity, talent show, NYU program) [5]

Hi Veggy,

Your essay has some flaws, and here they are:

the first essay: I know that the limit is tight but for this essay, i suggest you replace the latter part about ambition with an example from your family. (this isn't neccessary, just a suggestion)

your second essay: I don't think you replied to the question very well because you didn't exactly say how joining this club would impact the larger community. To me, this latter part is more important than the first part of the question

third: you said the song was special to you, but you didn't elaborate on why it's special.

the last essay is kind of not the essay admission want(it's just my opinion), that to say what is there to offer in xx program. you should say why you choose this program instead.

Angela

Undergraduate / Need help with one of the Stanford's prompts? [4]

The college admissions and selection process is perhaps one of the most important procedure that will have the greatest impact on one's career.

Yes you have mentioned how you like stanford and the conversation with the professor. But i think you should write more about the engineering program at stanford, that would be better for the essay.

Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

sorry i can't. I don't believe that my english is any better than yours.

(i'm applying to college as well)

angela

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activities (sunny day) [7]

yeah, i wonder if you could cut a sentence and replace it with your love for the sport.

Angela

Undergraduate / unc long essay (my math teacher) [3]

it's pretty good, your essay about your favorite teacher.

but i think you missed a part, you mentioned he is your friend, but I don't see how or what makes him your friend.

P.S if you don't mind, i think this is a very typical chinese essay. i'm a chinese myself, but after going through different types of education, i think this essay is very complementary. it doesn't and wouldn't stand out from the rest of the people applying to this college, i think. maybe you should write some examples that would make your essay unique rather than duplicate.

angela

Undergraduate / Syracuse Supplement (aspirations + work experience) [9]

one of the most important things i learned from writing public essay is not to offend anyone, especially to coincide with others' opinions.
to me, you shouldn't say that your experience is very unique and one of the best, because this is not for you to decide. it's the readers who critic about the essay. so try not to make your essay sound arrogant.

angela

Undergraduate / UPenn: A Bold Choice (Why UPenn?) [5]

well, it doesn't have to be kevin to correct this, does he? you know that he's very busy, every one wants help from him, but we contributors are also here for your writings, don't forget that.

Your overall structure is well done, but there are some bad word and sentence choices. here,:

I was very impressed by the representative's enthusiasm for the University and (you can use how it can change my future instead of)what it could do for me.

One of my top concerns applying to college is the prospect of narrowing down my diverse interests to a single major.

"All in all, it's as if Penn made the program just for me." should be replaced by "It seems like Penn designed those programs just for me."

Hope these helps,
Angela

Undergraduate / common app short answer ("the smallest player on the court") [4]

Your essay doesn't convey its meaning. it says elaborate on one activitiy, but I'm not sure whether you are talking about basketball, or varsity. and your essay sounds a little too elicit, too concrete. maybe you can change by not saying so much, but say in a clear way.

Undergraduate / Need help on short answer (Acceptance and respect) [5]

I have a better idea for your essay structure.

Can you try to shorten your example about the cancer research to one or two sentences and leave the rest space to tell more about how this effects your community.

Angela

Undergraduate / "My passion in economics" - Cornell CALS [2]

Throughout your essay, it's pretty well done. But I think you need to rewrite a few sentences to make the essay smoothier.(Just my suggestion)

Economics is my passion.

However we can also see the impact of bad economic policy.

Gone are the days when a lone economist can sit alone and weave together a new theory to describe the world.(I didn't understand this part clearly, so try to make it easier to read for the audience)

And some corrections:
I suggest you interchange the position of the second and the third paragraph, that would probably make the essay better.

And make the last paragraph longer. sometimes people do that, and it seems like they have just make another paragraph for one sentence. It's not necessary.

Undergraduate / Making best of a bad situation; Yale Supplement - Divorce [4]

waow, this is a very good essay. Your topic certainly reflect your life.

But here is some advice to make it better.

First of all, as i said, this essay reflect your life well. but what about you? your life is what you have experienced, yet what they want to know is how you feel all way along. try to say that. (do you know why i said that? as a single child in a single family, i understand what you have been through. However, someone once told me the most important part is not you experienced physically, it's the mental part.)

and also, try to make your sentence shorter. I kind of lost in the 3-line sentence in the first paragraph.

one last thing, if you want to cut, cut the first paragraph. I'm not going to suggest what to cut, but it would definitely be the first paragraph.

angela

Essays / Transition between paragraphs [5]

I don't think so. maybe you can use it, but the thing is: from less than 6 writings(just an example), how can you expect the admission officer to know you as much as possible when you are using repetitive essays?

Undergraduate / Bucknell optional essay.. the culture of the U.S. [4]

hi akash,

I think you are missing part of the question. what did you discover about yourself during this process? i think this might be the most important part of the question since the importance of a college application essay is to let the readers to know something about you.

angela

Undergraduate / MIT Essay (End of the World) [13]

Bravo!

This is a very interesting story! You made it live and meaningful, overall, it's kind of exciting and make people nervous. but i guess it's not mentally challenging. all i see in this is how the action went, you did talk about your imagine the future and desperate. however, i suggest you focus more on that emotion throughout your essay. maybe that will be better.

angela

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Essay (embrace the unknown) [2]

I want to go forth in my life without knowing what is going to happen next and I want to deal with the problems that arise from this journey.

Try to use more Without than Not, because a single word that repeats too many times makes the sentence not so flowing.

I suggest you write something else rather than the blue sky in your concluding paragraph, that would make it much better.

Overall, you did a terrific job!! This is one of the few essays that I actually love a lot. It's kind of deep and mysterious, then you found out this is the way life is suppose to be. Excellent work! I love it!!

angela

Undergraduate / My first track meet - writing about an experience. Commonapp/Stevenstech essay [7]

Well, as a fiction, this might be a good piece of work regarding its description of the race. However, if this is for the college essay, i wouldn't be so sure.

First of all, only until I finished your last paragraph, i had realized that you were talking about team spirit (or is it chain event?). This clearly fails the topic.

So I suggest you rewrite the main paragraphs so that it fits the concluding paragraph, or rewrite the concluding paragraph to fit the main paragraph.

angela

Undergraduate / "Oh" - UVA (your fav word) [4]

This essay is pretty funny, I guess you can call it special.

The Oh is a very special word since it has countless meanings.

I think you did a very good job in depicting the word, good luck with your application.

angela

Student Talk / Question about Syracuse (how to upload multiple essays?) [5]

Maybe you should check the application again.
What do they mean by multiple essay?
did they tell you to write more than 1 essay?

if so, i guess you will need to put all essays into one document with all their titles on them, and upload them together

Undergraduate / A future full of opportunities - Boston University Supplement [5]

Overall, it's genuinely good. here's some mistakes you made:

Having spent the first eleven years of my life living in a busy city in northeastern China, the move to the quiet Corona in California was a big adjustment for me. Simple things like buying a bag of popcorn from a vendor on the sidewalk or watching toy-like cars go by from the top of a tall building became luxuries that I had to learn to live without(I think you are talking about something new that you have not experienced before, maybe it's live with not without).

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay- a bit shaky? [5]

Well, I think the second opening is better. Your essay is very well written, but here are the tip to make it better.

Eliminate the commas. You put too much of them, making the sentences kind of hard to read. Try to reduce the sentence or cut some examples.

angela

Undergraduate / Last minute Columbia Essay ("Everyday was the same.") [6]

well, you start out as a pretty good opening, but the more I read the more I became kind of boring.

However, all of this changed, starting my junior year. (I think it's senior rather than junior)

first of all, you didn't exactly say how you have changed you attitude toward things. your essay is like cooking, I told you how to mix the ingredients and suddenly, booon, the cake is ready. Get that? This is the feeling I have when reading your first paragraph.

Your second paragraph, what is the new method of learning? why are you implementing it? how was the failure a good lesson for you?

last paragraph, I would change "Everyday, I look back at how I hated to be social, and how I always said no to things. As I changed, I started saying yes to many things, such as hanging out, volunteering, helping teachers and parents, and even teaching my best friend's little brother algebra." to Everyday, I look back at how I hated to be social, and how I always said no to things. As I changed, I started saying yes to many things. There's no need for all the examples, you may list one or two, but more looks just not so nice.

and one very important thing that you did not mention is how you became interested in dentist or columbia, I mean i don't know the topic, but when it comes to this kind of college essays, it's always helpful to say a little about your intended major or the school, (that's what i think anyway)

angela

Undergraduate / NYU short answers - Patience, perseverance / Drama, Theater clubs / "Breakaway" / Management [4]

Since I was a young child, I have been a very patient boy.

the example you are trying to give is not very contructive, try something else.

I would love to join the Drama/Theater clubs in NYU. It is the program that I always look for.
... provide many experiences and guide young students who are interested in Art of drama

not very solid, it sounds like you are not sure why you should choose this program.

... special to me because when I first listened to the song, I was very ...

a fine response, but this is a very typical one that anyone could have written. try to come up with something unique.

I have been interested in Management and ...
... Korea this summer, I got an audition and the director said that I have the potential to be an actor. T

I don't see why you like the schools or programs that NYU offers.

angela

Student Talk / Can't edit any part of the common application, although I haven't submitted it yet. Why? [16]

That's for sure. You can't change anything once you have submit the commonapp for any colleges. However, you do can change the things you wrote in the supplements. (Honestly, I had made a same mistake as you last year.)

You should really read the intructions and the words in the application carefully, especially when you are about to submit it.

Another word of advice, print the copy or save the application when you submit it, cause you might need it later.

angela

Undergraduate / 'With great power comes...' - Common App- Spiderman [4]

Some of your sentences are kind of weird and very hard to understand the concept, especially when you use a word twice in one sentence.

He becomes so burdened with doing the right thing that which right thing is best becomes the conflict for him.

Yet, because he has the power to do something, because of his ability to bridge the gap between the suffering and their salvation, because someone must help the helpless...he does.

While most of the others are pretty good, I guess there will be no need for anything further to add in the structure, but maybe a little in grammar.

angela

Undergraduate / Univ of Illinois Essay! ("girl from India") [5]

A girl is always considered inferior than a boy.

Learning about different types of engineering careers available fascinated and motivated me.

Learning about Fischertechnik ROBOPro Software to make a marble sorter was another unique yet a fun experience.

Well, I don't think your essay express the profession idea clearly. This is an important part of the question, but you didn't answer it in a very good way. You talk about how coming to US help you to fulfill the goal that you can study alongside others, however, some the third paragraph is just not so necessary. If I were you, I would write more about the experience I have or someone I met that helped me realize that I truly want to be a software engineer.

angela

Writing Feedback / An essay about privacy and communication [4]

I'm sorry that I can't really give you a good advice since you have not written the prompts.

The thing about your essay, which I guess is a TOEFL essay, is the example given. a good essay must have a firm and strong example that would give the essay its wings. In your essay, I do not see them.

I can only say your example is, in a way, confusing. Your first example says that having multiple phones in house make it possible to blow the conversation. However, this may happen everywhere and it's not about privacy security, it's about whether or not the phone itself is secure.

Your second example about recording the conversation is about trust issues, which also, has nothing to do with telecommunication security.

The hackers may be a proper example. it's true that hackers may cause your information loss, but overall, this is the only example that I would say is informative.

Angela

Undergraduate / Common App and Artist's Statement. [4]

Your essay is brilliant! until now, it's one of the best that I have seen. There are virtually no mistakes in grammar and spelling, the the structure and examples are just so good.

angela

Undergraduate / Is it common app worthy ("My job is in the Pacoima Branch Library") [5]

Yeah, it's pretty good regardless whether it's about grammar or structure. Your essay shows me the other side of the community and there is definitely no need to scrap it.

However, I do think you need another kind of style for your concluding paragraph. It sounds a little like a to-do list, and I suggest you to connect them and establish a writing that every sentence is connected to each other.

angela

Undergraduate / Submitting in 2 hours: Cornell Architecture Supplement [4]

"Mom, we are gonna land on dad's plane !"

Therefore, my interests have grown from seeds of the profession and gone hand in hand with it.

Years have passed and I have finally came to the realization. The profession of architecture, which I have been absorbing naturally since my childhood, is the spontaneous choice.

Here are some of the things I have corrected, I'm not sure whether this is good grammar, and you can scrap it whenever you need. By the way, I think you might need to rewrite(paraphrase) the last paragraph to make it more convincing. Like saying, for all these years I have waited, I will finally be immersed in the knowledge of architecture, or something like that.

angela