Undergraduate / (studying real estate law) Law School Admission Essay [3]

Law school eh? I'm hoping for the same, so good luck.

- The period goes inside the quotation marks.
- If all things are possible, how do some things become especially possible?
- As a finance major*
- Courses can't be based "around" financial markets. Entities can't be based around something, but they can be based on something -- usually an abstract idea in a metaphor.

Overall, I can definitely sense your conviction, and I really feel the same way in certain respects. At the same time, I think your essay is unimpressive by a critical mindset. The reason law school appeals to me is the same reason I find your essay to be tame. You should include a great deal more logic with linking words such as "therefore" and phrases such as "as a result." They don't care as much about rhetoric or emotion, as they care about your ability to reason critically, unrelentingly. My understanding is that a person must have a firm grip and strong control over the ability to unleash their thoughts, like a firefighter might direct a powerful hose to extinguish a blazing fire. Identify in retrospect what your fire is, then work a path backwards to where you stand. No matter what, don't let anything deter you from uncovering an effective path. Continuing with analogy, there are 1,000 ways to the solution and you have to find one. Revise with an eye to eliminating uncertainty, and march confidently along the path you know. Don't waver or reveal any doubt. Don't set yourself up with a meager quote. Law school involves highly intentional writing -- it can help to start practicing now.

Graduate / Working for Fujitsu Consulting India - active leadership role at profession [3]


- The first sentence is lengthy, and this is true for the rest of the paragraph. Also, you directly state that you were working for Fujitsu, but proceed thence to refer to "...my organization...", which may cause confusion because it is awkward to identify the company you worked for and then refer to it with a possessive pronoun -- assuming that you are. It is unclear what "my organization" represents, and you never clarify it. Don't use complex sentences, unless you can do so correctly. Permitting it isn't part of a larger pattern, these things can be forgiven. Broadband probably shouldn't be capitalized. I can see that all along I have been dependent on intuition, and I have fared well in writing; however, I know virtually nothing about grammar, which is sad because instinct has its limitations.

Writing Feedback / Smoking at public place should be banned. Argumental essay for IELTS GT [8]

I'm sorry, but this is terrible. Amphetamines, caffeine, cocaine, mdma, and other drugs which are not even stimulants have the desired effects you listed.

You should also know that nicotine does not cause lung cancer or any cancer. Oh dear.

Undergraduate / "So what do you plan on doing now?" -Common Application Transfer Essay [10]

Don't write a convoluted narrative containing unabashed spouts of barely redirected shame, unless you are asked to.

Scholarship / Coming up with ideas for diversity essay prompts (personal interest, diversity) [4]

A good way to demonstrate your individuality goes to helping your argument.

Scholarship / career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay [8]

I think there are three types of mistakes; blatant errors, questionable usage of grammar, and questionable approach to content. Ideally, one can make it out of the first category, if we are allowing a total of five mistakes.

1. its* = possessive
2. occurred* = correct spelling
3. are* = plural, if "moments like these"
4. at least* = two discrete words
5. these* = plural, if "resources"

You didn't make it out of the first category and I only looked at glaring errors.

Undergraduate / Clark Atlanta University: Preparing yourself for future leadership. [4]


I'm going to summarize this in fewer words, to show you the problem.

Clark Atlanta University will prepare me for life through its motto; Learn, Lead, Change. I want more than education out of Clark Atlanta University. I want a chance to show that I can reach great heights and inspire the same of others through leadership. Given a chance, I will waste no opportunity in pursuit of doing the motto justice.

Undergraduate / MICA - autobiographical essay -"Since Kindergarten" [3]

This is going to be harsh, so brace yourself.

- You cannot begin with such a rudimentary first sentence. It seems like you're talking as a 4th grader.
- Now you've set a very languid tone with your first two sentences, but suddenly the canvas is a "masterpiece." What this shows is you lack the ability to set a realistic pace, if you're trying to have your writing taken seriously.

- After the fact, "time is running out?" Inconsistencies like these really ruin your efforts outright.
- Do we really need to know that the teacher is roaring from across the room? Can you try to imagine a more stylistic element? All you're really doing is adding needless words, perhaps that you think make your paper seem fuller. This is not true. I spot the useless words and wish the sentence would just get its point across; I would rather that than read a bunch of empty words.

- The yellow-haired stick figure wearing a purple dress... otherwise, "and wearing a purple dress" is painting the picture, which makes no sense.
- You probably made the last sentence up, which isn't uncommon with these kind of things, but at least try to invent something amusing.

Grammar, Usage / General Grammar Questions. Let's perfect (if possible) Grammars! [4]

This doesn't matter so much. Fluent speakers of English probably don't know with surety, when to apply the words. Nevertheless, I think it's whoever.

Essays / Essay topic: Climate change - global warming / thesis statement [11]

what the hell? you have no choice but to make an essay about the damage humans are causing and woe will be the plight of humanity blah blah blah. it's not as though you're even making a thesis where you argue something. you were already given your thesis.

Undergraduate / Summer of books and literature - Texas A&M essay topic A [5]

It is always the simplest of things*

Goodness, I'm not even going to bother, this is a mess.

Note to Administrators: please consider adding a section with respectable essays for the perusing; the current selection is sad (sorry to be callous).

Essays / Essay topic: Climate change - global warming / thesis statement [11]

This topic sucks. For information search "IPCC" in google.

Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

What pathetic drivel. It's not amusing at all.

Undergraduate / Boston U essay- three qualities (inquisitive, trustworthy, passionate) [8]

It's a great sentiment that you have in the first sentence, but it could be worded better. Generally, I don't start sentences with "How" unless they are interrogative sentences (i.e. questions). You'd do well to stick to that rule. Your second sentence again contains worthwhile meaning, however you must express it more powerfully. Your third sentence is a fragment. Your fourth sentence is also a fragment. Your fifth sentence is a fragment. Your sixth sentence should be discarded.

Your work shows thought and consideration and intelligence, but you must end the habit of using little words and beating around the bush. Try to vary your sentence structure and show fluidity in your style.

Undergraduate / Short poem + year 2050 move of my life - NYU SUPPLEMENT [5]

I'm familiar with the fearless series from a long time ago, embarassingly enough, so I understand your paragraph completely. Another person might not though.

Undergraduate / "Sindoor": Why Mac? Supplemental Essay for Macalester College [7]

Carbonate -- make more energetic.

Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

Lady, get with it. I can cite at least 10 examples of this plea to the heavens in TV, Cinema, etc.

It's pathetic. It is very much a ripoff. You spend almost no time on the actual details, rather your childish moping takes center stage. In that, there is NO substance that I can find. Grow up and realize that time spent doesn't equate to a quality product.

Undergraduate / fantastic academic programs - Stanford Essay-Why Stanford? [4]

- "fantastic academic programs...": I can't find meaning here, unless you're going for straight flattery.

- Your conclusion is admittedly broaching a huge contradiction -- really bizarre.

Stanford's curriculum includes nanotechnology: this is all what I could make out of your essay.

You start poorly, and end really poorly.

Graduate / A graduate admission essay (MS of Accounting) [4]

Hmm I'm doing accounting too (time being at least), unfortunately. Generally, your first paragraph is stating the irrefutable necessity of accounting. Perhaps in the second you should explain what draws you to accounting :). Try to emphasize the importance of stringent accounting standards given all the uncertainty which has mounted over the last several years, due to various scandals.

Btw:


I'm pretty sure profits aren't measured on the balance sheet. You could correct/clarify this.

Out of curiosity, are you studying or will you be studying International Financial Reporting Standards?

Undergraduate / A girl interested in Computer Science?! - NYU Supplement #4 [7]

You need to summarize "computer science" and why it appeals to you.

Undergraduate / Harvard - Travelling experiences in a foreign country [4]


It's agonizing to read and take interest in what doesn't make sense. As per ritual, an essay must be scrutinized to confirm that a valid reason lies behind the madness.

1. How can sun rays penetrate a room?
2. Unfamiliar manner? This makes a person cringe and brace for the worst.
3. "Then" is not how you want to lead off this second sentence. Provide a reason that logically links these sentences (e.g. "Oh yeah" I thought, I'm in ...'s house); this is a perfect example of how to confuse a reader when you just ramble without mind to cohere sentences.

Get animated, it helps.

Undergraduate / "Sindoor": Why Mac? Supplemental Essay for Macalester College [7]

Goodness, this essay is wearisome. I can't even comment in good faith except to recommend that you carbonate the beginning-middle of this essay, enough to hold you through.

Undergraduate / Why Yale - short ans (passion in cultural studies) [8]

Just be forthright. "It's Yale, one of the best brand names in the world. That alone is enough reason."

Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]

I live near Alexandria. Your essay is fine.

Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

Let me be the one to cut through this mess. The first paragraph is very informal and loose with grammar. More importantly, it's not cute or fresh -- it's an old, tired, ripped off thematic. I think I've seen this script acted in cartoons ad nauseam. The whole essay is hollow and ridiculous, looking on.

Undergraduate / mathematics, Wellesley-Describe your intellectual interests.... [5]

Read the prompt again. What are your interests? How have they taken shape? Why are they your interests (i.e. how are they exciting?) ? How will this school or program serve to enhance your curiosity through action?

Stick to the prompt, and don't sling in something unrelated at the end.

Undergraduate / "Grace, what do you want to be?" BROWN Essay: PLME essay (no word count limit) [8]

Grace, whatever you want to be, do it for God and to serve others." From early on, I was raised to be a "serving leader"-someone capable of fighting bravely in the frontlines and digging in with humility as needed. Blessed with parents who encouraged grandly, I developed my passion to serve others through service trips to Thailand, Kenya, and Korea where I taught English and distributed supplies.

A lot more can be cut.

Undergraduate / What was the best advice you've ever been given and why? [8]

Heh. Do not repeat the prompt/question outside of middle school English. Absorb the issue, mess around with it, and spit it out in new form. The preceding posts already make note of your passion for keeping in broad terms. To be fair, the quote is wide open to interpretation, which should have you honing your message. With this much latitude, you may operate freely, but accordingly must show that you can handle yourself.

Undergraduate / Brown "advice" essay - Pickle Time [4]

What is the best advice you've been given? You never do say.

Let's grant for a second that it is advice. What kind of advice is it? Seemingly, some nonsense about keeping things in perspective, when you get past the pickle diversion. The prompt has not been satisfied, your parents are allegedly overbearing, and your story is unoriginal.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Franny and Zooey" [5]

The link between you and the Zooey character is murky. I guess the common trait of disdain shared here must be taken on your word, but you don't move away from it in the end. You just sound smug and don't explain your transformation on par with the character, well enough. In short, you could make more sense and shift the tone while you're at it.

Writing Feedback / essay on sovereignty, MA International politics essay [5]

When you write about what you are going to write about, you're essentially putting off your essay. You're not discussing a future project that's unclear, in which case it might be alright to idle. The essay is now; so don't give delay and don't expect that your audience will accept delay.

Undergraduate / Singapore - COMMON APP ESSAY: Issue of personal concern & its importance to you [6]

Your essay is very disjointed.

Undergraduate / Columbia essay (conveys to the reader a sense of who you are) [7]

I read your first paragraph -- you are on the verge of sounding desperately bombastic. Tenuously, somehow it held together. By the way, this topic has been hammered to death.

Undergraduate / Vice President of the student government program [4]

If you're mediocre, you will convince others of your success. Once you reach a certain level, no one is around worth convincing; then you are about on your own for comparison making purposes; consequently unable to prove much to yourself.

Research Papers / English 101 Research Paper on Negative effects of the media on children. [3]

Commenting on your first paragraph, it does not transition adequately (in progression) to the thesis.

Undergraduate / UT Austin- Grandfather Inspiration [3]

"Moving to India in the middle of high school from my safe suburban bubble in the Rocky Mountains was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Sitting in Colorado, unaware of the true vastness of the word I live in, I could have never appreciated some of the things I do now."

You'll want to replace "in." Also, notice how you describe moving with some detail, but fizzle using the verb "was", normally a practice that causes undesirably frigid writing -- common in emotionally spent but dogged efforts. In the second sentence cited, replace "I live in" with a more lucid word or term; I'm getting at the unwieldy "tense" obscurity, currently present and worth eliminating. Lastly, ask yourself what "...,I could ... now." really means and if it makes sense.

Undergraduate / An Accident - Yale supplement, is effective to convey a sense of adventure? [4]

A correction to your first sentence -- about all I have a chance to read -- ...while watching my skateboard shoot forward.*

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors Essay- Local/National/International Concern [5]

I don't have a chance to read it all, but based on what I did read -- starting around "homogenously" --there is a very square trend of overexertion in your work. More explicitly, my view is one that you don't have a "verbose" way of writing, which implies competence and also annoying extravagance; but I think you do have a habit of using words in such a manner that the meaning is substantially altered, to your detriment more so than what is typical of verbose writers.

Yes, this peculiar tendency detracts from your writing.

Undergraduate / Geerd Diercksen, Essay A: some one who has made an impact in your life [7]

Psychology really piques my interest, so even if I hadn't taken the required classes in the subject, I'd probably still be familiar with the theory of multiple intelligences proposed by Gardner. As I recall, the problem of defining intelligence is a huge topic of interest in the field, and no approach is free of problems. I'm a strong proponent of the theory that intelligence is fragmented in different aspects, but I don't think those aspects number as many as proposed in the various dimensions Gardner identified. I think there are at most, a handful of distinct areas, across which intelligences vary in composition; the intelligences that permeate the way we think and conceptualize. I mean, the ability to apprehend abstract concepts, recognize patterns in our experiences, visualize spatially, express our thoughts in language, follow a set approach, evaluate and respond in reference to our own feelings and emotions and those of others... in my opinion they are all faculties composed of unique elements, and each ability probably merits a separate category of intelligence.

Drawing is horrible and I can't sketch a hangman, but consolation that it's one of the "best" things to suck at, very much as music is, helps. I know that I'm terrible at manipulating objects mentally, and not the most able at adopting a process and sticking with it. I'm usually oblivious to external details, wrapped up in thinking. Certain abstract concepts jam my mode of thinking, almost as if there is a dam preventing the rush of crushing water, but the water is actually a crescendo of foreign thoughts. If I remove the obstruction, I'm suddenly inundated, swept totally under. Even though I'll most likely resurface, I'd rather not go through the whole anguish, because there are endless more of dreadful questions/problems that you cannot exhaust.

At the same time, I have always had an innate, insatiable curiosity and an instinct for detecting "why", getting to the bottom of things or harboring pestering unease until I do. Just the allure of imagining possibilities consumes a lot of my energy. I'd rather dabble than work with tedious details necessary to achieve whatever passes for proficiency in a given subject area. Language is the only true medium to transmit communications with measurable surety; you can't help but be amazed at the free range to share, or try sharing, everything you've entertained so far in silence. Given its overarching function, excellence is worthy, ever increasingly. This is naturally part of the reason I embrace it, I think.

Undergraduate / Short answer for common app about music [9]


Since it's short, I'll try to provide a brisk account of the issues that I think need work.

- When you say "it speaks to everyone in a different sense", you're loosely portraying the motif of setting up for exemplification and explication, which is required at minimum in this case to use the plural noun ways*, or else you contradict/confuse the meaning such as present.

- You need to use articles such as "a", "an", and "the" to provide reference for things you mention. Also, make sure those so called things are of the same form and extent.

- Always aspire to specificity and precision through the words you use; aim to reduce ambiguity by expressing ideas clearly and narrowly, emphasizing caution with words (pronouns) such as "that", "which", and "who." It's a great deal better to err on the side of caution here: it's better to repeat yourself tolerably and draw winces of exhaustion than to fall shy of the minimum -- shroud yourself in obscurity -- and quite certainly ruin your chances.

- Like Kevin said [cutting this short], you cannot begin by extolling the benefits of music, and end by prattling about guitar strings. It's highly preferred for those who fall in the broad class of "relative novice writers" to temper roundly and stabilize essay conclusions with logic, compared especially to the extreme approach that's marked in feckless temerity, just letting conclusions -- poorly reasoned and bizarre -- hang for consumption as resonant and marvelous, yet appropriately short comments on the essence.

That is a general principle which is not adhered to in most essays here; I'm not singling you out and this example is way short of the worst I've taken witness to.