Undergraduate / SUMMER CAMP ESSAY: Why do you want to attend the summer course? [6]


The other aspect why I love to attend this camp is that it is held in the USA where I always dreamed of living in.


... too long :(
I was born in New Jersey while my parents were doing their post graduate studies in the US. However, my parents, both having Greek origins, decided that I should be raised in Greece as they feared that I may be totally uprooted our Greek heritage if I were raised in the USA.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graphs above give information about computer ownership [8]

The graphs showpresent the information about computer ownership on yearly basis from 2002 to 2010 and as a percentage of the population compare withas per the level of education in 2002 and 2010.

You need to describe both graphs equally and if there is any time periods presented in the graphs, you need to mention them too.

Writing Feedback / 'monster if we cannot manage it well' - Movies or tv influence people's behavior [7]


Television is one of the most popular media used by any household.
It has also becomingbecome an important part in our daily life. But, on the country, I think television tends to have a tremendous influence on its viewers and it can also be negative too.


I like if you take this sentence off from your intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Many old buildings = history --> it is very important to protect them [3]

Many people assume that old buildings must be protected by law because they have many historiesa great historical value.InOn the other hand, some people think (no comma) suchthe buildings shouldmust be changedreplaced with new buildings


It is better you state your opinion on this before concluding the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Animals should not be exploited by people [6]


This is not necessary to say as the reader expects you to do this anyway.

Scholarship / Statement on why I wish to enroll in a NASA internship. [5]


... I like the way you have opened your response to the prompt :)


At six or seven, can a kid have a deep understanding about a researcher. I mean the word "researcher".... I feel it is better that you used a word that a kid would use to describe a researcher. In my view, this word sounds a bit too advance for a kid.

As I grew up, my children'splay kits and toys were verymostly focused on science experiment kits and assembling Lego, besides sports andor reading.

Undergraduate / Three ways to Transfer to University; study plan, support system, skills network [4]

This sounds like you are mostly paraphrasing your prompt. In my view, you need to answer those things adequately with facts and you do not have to repeat their question here. So, I feel the above part does not contribute much in your favor and might make those guys bored. Do not tell them general stuff, talk about you and let them know that your transfer application is something that they should pay attention to.

Writing Feedback / It is better to use money for improving our planet than space exploration [4]


Is this your prompt or a part of your essay? I guess it is the prompt, am I right?


.... Again, I guess this is your intro. If so, I suggest you to follow dumi's approach for the intro;

Writing Feedback / IELTS: paying taxes is enough contribution from citizens [8]


Good intro...you follow the right approach :)
Although these workers do not produce profit directly, what they do is for thetheir contribution matters a lot for the well-being of the whole society.

I find this an impressively written essay. You follow the most appropriate approach for this task and you display good writing skills, grammar, ideas too. Had you managed time, I feel you are ready for this task :)

Scholarship / Conquering Shyness - Describe a time you overcame an obstacle [4]


... I feel the tone here is a bit overdone. Moving is not as severe as you becoming an orphan... I hope you get what I mean. So, I think it is better you tone down the effect of your idea a bit.


.... this is fine. Capitalize "moving". You can even open your essay with this line :)


.... nice :)
I think you've done a good job.... you need to attend to the first para only :D ....the rest is fine :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People attend collage or university especially for career preparation [9]


This is not a good way to open your essay. This sentence sounds confusing and fails to attract the reader. You should begin with a hook that grabs the reader's attention and keeps him with you throughout your essay. If you don't get such bright idea at once, then the best thing to do is starting with the background of the issue by paraphrasing your prompt. Here's the approach dumi suggests for the intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should all offenders be sent to prisons? 'alternative punishment' [7]

People have mixed views on how to punish the criminals to lowerreduce the crime rate.While some argue that the judge should impose prison sentences should be given to all criminals,I personally disagree with the view and believe that those who commit petty crimes couldshould be reformed in other ways.

You follow a very good approach for your introduction :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Planning a new hypermarket (A, B and C) in the city of Pellington. [8]

The map shows a drawing of Pellington town. The governmentsgovernment of this town plan a new hypermarket. This hypermarket will be placed in three choice areas.


It's good you introduce the map very briefly in one or maximum two sentences;
The diagram shows map of Pellington, which has a population of 120000 people, and its proposed sites for a new hypermarket , A, B and C.
Also, do no include any idea in your writing other than what the diagram has presented.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Proposed sites for a new hypermarket in the city of Pellington. [5]

The map shows three recommendedproposed locations for a new hypermarket (A, B and C) in Pellington Town.


Well, it is safe to comment what is presented by the map. So, you should not include the following in these sentences;



Instead, tell what you observe there;
Overall, the site A is located in a residential area in the township while B and C are located in countryside.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Planning new supermarket in Pellington (by upinipin) [7]

The graph shows the map of Pellington map that , which has a population about 120,000 people,There arethat includes the three proposed sites, A,B and C, for a new hypermarket. This supermarket will be pleased into side A, B, and C area.

You seem to be having a good understanding about the structure :)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: invite letter: for Tom - coming for a visit in Beijing [5]


I am so pleased to learn that your son would be taking the gap year in a foreign country, which I believe is a great opportunity for him to build up his network. I wish to invite your son to visit my country too which is not very far away form the country that he is going to visit

Writing Feedback / IELTS: advertising impact on people's choice of consumption [4]

This intro is too big. You need to organize better otherwise you would run out of allowed time. This is the detailed approach for your intro;

Writing Feedback / Fixed punishment or flexible one? [5]


As eddies say, you need to pay more attention to your lay out . The above is not a good intro for your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Changes of mode transportation using in UK [5]

The table presents the data concerning the alteration inabout different ] various means of transport transportation modes used in UK during a particularthe year fromin 1985 toand 2000.

You have made an error when giving the time - Your table does not provide information from 1985 to 2000, instead it gives figures for 1985 and 2000. Those are very important points in reporting as you need to report facts as accurately as they are presented in the image.

Writing Feedback / Toefl-Teachers encouraging students to question everything 'for our knowledge, o [9]

Pay attention to the approaches we have suggested to you above as your essay looks so lengthy and you may not be able to complete the task on time if you don't follow an appropriate structure.

Firstly encouraging students never stop questioning. (stop here)It is the best way to let them have a complete and
various knowledge they desire . Since we are kidsThe kids would keep on asking questions almost on everything that others tell them due to their curiosity.if somebody told us something we automatically asked why.


Here, you pay very little focus on the actual theme of your prompt which is why teachers should encourage children to raise questions. Stay aligned with your prompt always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : High sum of money of modern artist [4]

. It is true while the modern artists who implementemploy their creative thinking onto high value creations are paid with immenselarge sum of money by the art collector. Also, the high sum which modern artists receive is related to the quality instead of the quantity and their rare talent.

Well, I think you have not understood your topic clearly :( It does not say all modern artists earn thumping sums. It says some modern artists earn great and some don't. So you've got to deal with this issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2- MUSIC IN THE WOLD TODAY [4]


Music has been a part of our life.

A lot ofMany types of music have been lasting onthere in the world.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The diagram about the evolution of the horse [5]

... Very good :)
The diagram presents the evolution of the horse from Eohippus to modern kindhorse , with particular significantreference to the changes in foot structure, in a 40-million-year period.

You write pretty well... If you follow the above approach you have great potential to score a good band :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1:Type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000 [4]


This is pretty confusing dear Eva :( You need deliver your intro crystal clearly :)
The graph illustrates the trends of fast food consumption by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000.


This is a very poor overview. You need to provide us some meaningful picture about the graph;
Overall, Australian teenagers have increased their consumption of Hamburgers and Pizza while they have cut down the consumption of fish and chips during this period under review.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 1 enquire letter - English lessons questions [4]

Pay more attention to spelling :)
I am really glad if you are able to offer this service to me. I am free on Fridays only as I have to work all other days in a week. I have heard that you visit students' houses for lessons if they wish so at an additional fee. My preference is that arrangement and I am willing to pay that additional charge if you could accommodate this request.

Writing Feedback / During this 25 year period, consumption of pizza and hamburgers by Australian teenagers increased [6]

.... on Y axis you get the number of times that particular food is eaten by an individual per year and not the number of persons. You have interpreted that wrong in this detailed para. This is my suggestion;

Consumption of pizza has increased steadily from 1975 to 1995 until it is eaten 82 times per year. However, in next 5 years it has maintained the same level of consumption. Hamburgers too show a steady and continuous growth in consumption for 10 years form 1975 and then this growth slows down its although it had continued to grow at a slower pace until 1995. Thereafter it had maintained the same level of consumption which is at 100 times per year.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The electricity consumption and cost per year [8]

The bar shows the relative electricity consumption and cost per year of various household divides.devices.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: apple is canned; 'there are many processes' [4]

OMG ... this is the third thread in a row I am providing my comments on the same topic :D
It's good so that you can read other threads and collect lots of useful info to improve your writing :)


Since dumi has already commented on grammar aspect, let me do some sample intro and overview for you for this task;
The diagram shows a complete process of canned apple production. (INTRODUCTION)
Overall, the process comprises of fourteen stages from picking apples from trees to transporting apple cans for sale. (OVERVIEW)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The process of apple how to be canned; 'apple tree' [6]

Yes, as dumi mentioned above, avoid telling things that are not presented in those pictures. This task is to assess your report writing skills and stick to your observations only. Nothing should be said outside what they have shown in the pictures. I suggest you to re do this whole exercise and post it here again for us to provide our comments for further improvement :)

Writing Feedback / Write a report about education in Australia between 1997 and 2005. [5]


There is too much redundancy found here .... " It can be seen that overall,", " we witnessed "... they disturb a smooth flow of your ideas. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills and in report writing you need to report things in the clearest and the most concise way. Unlike the IELTS Task 2 in which you enjoy more freedom in expressing your ideas and displaying your vocabulary knowledge, here you need to adopt a more official tone and present ideas in a clear concise manner.

Writing Feedback / Doctor is the most important person for society [5]

Ok, I see :D
They think the doctors can help society from their illness.save others lives which is an honorable deed that cannot be compared to any other contribution.


Well, don't spend too much time in introducing the background of the issue. Your aim should be to finish the task fast, but completely. Spending too much time in one section is not going to help you :)

Research Papers / Children Of Divorce (Sociology) - Thoughts [2]


Nice beginning :)
During these times, youthsfaceyouth faces mounting academicemotional pressures like academic challenges and study pressures, pubertal changes, and more complicated social lives - all of whichthem add oncontribute to the stressful nature of maturation. On top of to the stressesthemthat already exist in an adolescent's daily life,(sounds a bit repetitive) children from divorced families are exposed to parental tensions, increasing financial issues, and major changes to the life they are used to.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : High sum of money of modern artist [4]


Earnings of people differ greatly and sometimes it is difficult to justify such differences.
In athe field of art, some modern artists may receive high salarypayments for their masterpiececreationcreative works while labors should bewhile some others would break their bones for years to get similarearn that amount of money.

Writing Feedback / Task - Are Macro-sports events good in easing international tensions? [5]

I suggest you to leave a blank line between your paragraphs to present your essay better and impress the reader. Also, I find your writing lacks clarity time to time. Don't give priority to advance vocabulary, that can be very dangerous as synonyms often tend to mean something very different than you expected when those words are used in inappropriate positions :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: The winter heating costs according to heating fuel type [4]


You don't need to have a conclusion for this task.

Writing Feedback / Radio and television audience in UK [4]

The TV audience is pretty less in numbers from 1.00 to 11.00 Thereafter the audience begins to grow and reaches its peak levels after 17.00. After 21.00, the audience shows a sharp decline again in its numbers.

Overall, you have made a Good attempt with detailed paras :)

Writing Feedback / Unemployment rates in US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999 [6]

You need to improve your approach a lot.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'sense of cooperation' - children should be competitive or cooperative? [11]

AThe sense of strong competition sense helps children having urge to learn or to practice for being theto do their bestamongto outsmart their peers, be it in academics, sports or any other activity.and this factor is initially arises from the schools and parents, to encourage children to get the highest scores through the grading system ....Now give an example to support this point.


I think you are pretty good with grammar. It is the structure that you need to pay more attention :)

Writing Feedback / Task II : Internet, the most significant invention in the last 30 years [8]


Yes, ammus1 is right about the hook. It is the opening statement that provides a good entrance to your essay. However, why we call it a hook is that it should be able to hook the reader towards your writing. In other words, it should be catchy, interesting, meaningful and relevant to the topic. So, ideally a hook should not be a very long sentence (shorter the better) and should give a stunning start to your essay. If you do not get a very clever idea at once when you begin to write your essay, start with the background section which is easier because all what you've got to do is to paraphrase the prompt. Once you finish the task, you can insert a hook if you've got some more time left :D

Writing Feedback / 'our life would be easier'; government's money for improving computer technology [3]


This is a pretty weak sentence to be a good hook. Your opening sentence should be very interesting and at the same time meaningful and relevant to your topic. In this case, I believe, it is not the basic needs that are important, but meeting the basic needs of people is the important factor.