Grammar, Usage / Citing a printed Word document... [5]

That's OK, but what would be better would be to verify the document somehow. If somebody just emailed you a document, in theory they could have created it themselves, inaccurately attributing it to the school district. Contact the school district to verify the document.

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Missing Opportunity in Life [5]

I'm concerned about the organization of this essay. I think that you are being too complicated by going back and forth in time as you do. That is an advanced technique in creative writing, but just sows confusion here. In a CBEST essay, they are looking for a clear thesis supported by evidence. Your evidence is the story, but your thesis gets lost in the narrative. The narrative itself is confusing, due to the time shifts.

Writing Feedback / President Bush's September llth Address to the Nation [7]


How life is intended to be (intended by whom?) or, simply, how life is?


Bush references a Christian psalm because "most people are somehow religious in their own ways" or because he is preparing to launch a war on a Muslim nation?


Religion is the opposite of logos. When Bush asks people to pray, this is pathos. When he implicitly references his own Christianity in order to get Christian listeners to trust him, this is ethos.

Essays / help with an essay on personality characteristics [6]

What sort of help are you wanting, exactly? For what purpose do you need to write this essay?

Undergraduate / Works of Salinger (CommonApp main essay for Sarah Lawrence College) [4]

Does this essay demonstrate that you are unique? Yes and no. Many, many young people identify with Catcher in the Rye. Some go on to read other of Salinger's works and find them useful. But few do so after having meditated on Mount Emei. What I think you need to do, in terms of substance, is tie together what you read in Nine Stories with the Buddhist principle of non-attachment. This will bring together the two threads of your story while demonstrating your ability for advanced thinking. Once you've done that, we can work on grammar and punctuation.

But please solve this punctuation problem before posting your next draft: Place a space after commas and periods, as I have done here. Your writing is very, very difficult for English speakers to read otherwise!

Undergraduate / Bambi and George Bush (Common App admissions essay) [6]

Personally, I love this essay. Or, rather, I love the idea of this essay. You've got a way to go to get it into shape. And you will need to do that, because you are taking a risk -- but a good one, I think -- by choosing this person and organizing the essay as you do.

Here's what you need to do: Tighten up that first paragraph, getting rid of phrases such as "since my emergence I have aged" (which of course everybody does, so there's no need to say it) in order to focus on your theme of loss of innocence.

Next, you need to add some supporting evidence to your next paragraph. At the behest of business interests, George Bush rolled back some 300 (or so) environmental protections within his first six months of office. That's the kind of fact you'll need to toss into that section so that your image of Bambi dying for men in suits. Also, it's good that you write with feeling, but be sure to match that feeling with logic, since defenders of animals are always portrayed as overly emotional.

I'm sure that others will be jumping in with various views. Let's see a revision after you've digested the responses.

Undergraduate / "Guys stop it!"; FSU ESSAY; helping and making an impact on others lives [10]

Hmm... You want an unvarnished response? You don't come off as particularly likable in this essay. It's one thing to say "guys, stop it" because you can't bear fighting, quite another to set yourself up as the judge (a position of superiority) who will decide (rather than mediate) the dispute. Similarly, it's one thing to respond generously to a request for help, quite another to meddle in a classmate's work, taking it upon yourself to decide that she or he needs your help. People need to puzzle out math problems and literary passages on their own and may or may not like it if a self-appointed tutor steps in.

Maybe others will feel differently, but I feel you should revise considerably, choosing a focus other than "I'm so helpful" as your theme.

Writing Feedback / President Bush's September llth Address to the Nation [7]


It's hard not to feel despair when reading this.

Writing Feedback / the parallels of " The world on the Turtles back" and "The Genesis" [3]

Might the authors of these tales (who, in the case of Genesis, we know to be male) also be trying to get a message across about women? Perhaps a political message such as disguised as spirituality? Might there be other political messages embedded in these stories?

These are just some questions for further thought. As Sean said: Great job.

Undergraduate / "The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay! [10]


Hmmm... The whole point of writing is to describe it so that others can follow. This preface does not bode well for the essay. Will you also suggest that the admissions committee "look it up on youtube" if they cannot follow you?


Yes, you do slip out of present tense and into past tense at one point in the narrative. What I'm going to suggest is that you put the whole thing in the past tense. Use of present tense to describe a past event is a literary device that is difficult to pull off and not always appropriate. In this instance, use of the present tense for what was a past event tires the reader. Why? Because it's a long, detailed explanation. Use of the present tense preps the reader for a short, dramatic story. The reader is waiting, waiting, waiting for the drama that never comes. Simply put: This happened in the past. Use past tense!

Writing Feedback / SOME PEOPLE HELP THEIR COMMUNITY DIRECTLY AND SOME THROUGH ORGANISATIONS,DISCUSS [3]

This essay is very short, although it does contain some good arguments. You will need, for a TOEFL or IELTS essay, to say more.

Also, you must fix your punctuation! You must place a space after every punctuation mark (except for leading quotation marks) as I have done here and in every note I have written you.


"Nowadays" (note spelling) and "these days" mean the same thing; you should not use both in the same sentence. Furthermore, neither is needed here, since people have always helped others in their community. Finally, this sentence is nonsensical, even if grammatical corrections are made. "Are" should be "is," but "style and mod to popularity" makes no sense at all.

Writing Feedback / Writer's Duty (Faulkner's Nobel Prize Speech and Dillard) [3]

The sense of this essay is inhibited by grammatical errors at the most basic level, such as omitting articles, using the singular form when the plural is needed, or leaving sentences incomplete.


I suppose you mean "patience." The patience to do what?


"Duty" should be "duties" to match "reasons" but this still doesn't make sense. Writing has duties and reasons for writing? How can an action have a duty? "Any type of genre" is tacked on at the end, further confusing the meaning.

A writer's duty is to convey his or her message to the audience.

Later in the paragraph, you do state your thesis more clearly. That thesis seems to be: The writer's duty is not to give up; Annie Dillard didn't give up; therefore, Annie Dillard fulfilled the writer's duty. That seems awfully simple to me, but perhaps it is acceptable.

Undergraduate / 'diverse curriculum' - evergreen supplement [2]

You have the rudiments of a good essay here, but you will need to organize them into a coherent essay with a clear theme that is stated in the introduction and restated in the conclusion.


This doesn't quite work. Generally, we use "diversity" to mean diversity within a community. Individuals are not diverse -- that would actually be a contradiction in terms. So, what you are trying to stay here is that you believe that Evergreen would encourage you to expand the diversity of cultures to which you expose yourself or, perhaps, continue to value and contribute to diversity.

Graduate / 'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay [5]


I assume you mean "driven past."
"Often" and "on numerous occasions" are redundant: choose one.
"In" not "of" different fields of medicine.


A "mutual endeavor" is something that two or more people do together. You and Pritzker have not done anything together yet. Furthermore, one cannot "possess" an endeavor. Also, an endeavor is an activity while a desire is an emotion.

From just these two sentences, we can see that indeed this essay is very rough. You will need to significantly improve your the coherence of your prose if you hope to get into any medical school. Think about what you are saying. Look back at a sentence after you have written it and ask: Does this make sense?


In general, it is better to use as few words as necessary to make one's points. However, in a medical school application, you will want to say as much as possible. Many of the things that you refer to only briefly here -- such as working at the free clinic -- ought to be the subject of several detailed sentences.

Undergraduate / "Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic [14]



The original was stronger. You've got a sentence fragment either way, so you might as well go for maximum impact and stay with the original.

Student Talk / How could this happen? (transferring problem) [4]

No, you have misunderstood. If your GPA is too low, then your personal essay will not be seen because they will not even consider your application. If and only if your GPA and other credentials are in order, your application will move on to the second phase, where your personal essay will be read.

Essays / Philisophical Essay Topic? Would it be appropriate? [8]

The question is whether your friend is able to engage these philosophical ideas intelligently, in a manner that demonstrates his personality as well as his outlook. Sometimes high school students think that their ideas are much more clever and original than they actually are. They try to show off by arguing what are actually quite juvenile ideas, looking worse than they would have if they had stuck to a more conventional topic. The only way for us to tell whether it would be well-advised for your friend to put forward his philosophical ideas would be for us to see those ideas.

Undergraduate / Not sure if this essay can be used for this prompt so.. let me know! (: [5]


I don't advise recycling that or any other essay for that prompt. The prompt asks you to choose one of Gardner's types of intelligence and then give a few examples of your strengths and/or weaknesses in that area. I'd advise writing an essay especially for that prompt, beginning with the concept of multiple intelligences, focusing in on your intelligence of choice, and then explicitly discussing your strengths and weaknesses in that area, drawing on multiple examples.

Writing Feedback / 'discussion in Indian parliament' Teens have paid jobs during studying? (Toefl) [8]

Work on articles and plurals. Watch out for homonyms.

There was a discussion in the Indian parliament about whether or not students or teenagers should be allowed to hold jobs while studying.

Some delegates gave opinions(or an opinion in its favour, as they think that holding jobs while studying will give students better financial status to afford their studies .

Essays / Political Science Essay Question - formulating a thesis [6]


The problem I see with this thesis is that there is no evidence that those whose greed was responsible ever had the goal of helping the public good. These were for-profit corporations with the aim of making profits, not benefiting the public. Their officers had a fiduciary responsibility to serve the interests of the corporations, which -- again -- was making a profit, not serving the public. You can argue that they made unwise decisions in pursuit of profit, favoring short-term over long-term growth, etc. But you can't argue that "the goal of helping the public good" was overcome when there is no evidence that such a goal ever existed in the hearts or minds of those responsible.

Undergraduate / Pomona supplemental essay/Does the essay capture the experience vividly enough [6]

"Orientalism" more broadly refers to fetishizing and exoticizing Asian cultures. It's the international version of the "model minority" stereotype, wherein Asians are stereotyped as especially smart, especially industrious, etc., etc.

Grammar, Usage / Structure is not as difficult as writing. [6]

Oh, but this is a very dangerous thing to do unless you take the extra step of looking the new word up in a dictionary and reviewing all of its meanings, to be sure you are choosing an appropriate synonym for what you want to say. I would say that use of the online thesaurus (and online translators) is the chief cause of English language students writing sentences that make no sense or sound very strange. A thesaurus lists all possible synonyms, including those that have quite specific or narrow applications. Never use a word that you have found in the thesaurus unless you are absolutely sure of its meaning.

Writing Feedback / "Preparation Produces Opportunity" (A quote and how it relates to your life) [3]


I merged the threads: Forum policy is one thread per essay.


Good job, but I still see:


Besides the unfortunate "it is unarguable that..." this sentence goes complete astray midway, ultimately making no sense at all. Perhaps you inadvertently merged two sentences?

Book Reports / Jeffersons character in A Lesson Before Dying [2]

For what purpose have you written this? What have you been asked to produce? I ask because you jump right into a synopsis of the plot and then give a brief response. If you've just been asked to give a response, that's fine, but if this is supposed to be an essay, then you will need an introduction and conclusion, along with a clear thesis (main point).

Essays / "Sex House vs. Internet Sex" - Help with an Essay [4]

Get written instructions from your teacher. "Sex house vs internet pornography" makes no sense unless, by "sex house" you mean brothel, which the Playboy mansion is not. Even with that change, what sort of versus are we talking about here? You've got this classed as an admission essay. That can't be right! Is this an essay for a class? What class? What, exactly, are you supposed to be comparing?

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Sorry, the whole point of the essay forum is that it is a forum -- an open place where all can learn from each other. The price of the free feedback you get is that the process of getting the feedback is visible to all. To get private professional help on an essay, one generally needs to pay for the service.

Undergraduate / "In my hands, I held a jar of flames" (U of I admission essay) [8]


Right. Your introduction is lovely, but you do not spend enough time on what you want to do now. Pare down the introductory narrative to make room for another sentence on that.

Undergraduate / 'high-energy, loud, and crazy / ambicious person' - NCSSM Application [7]

As you can see, only your user name is attached to your posting. If you want to be completely anonymous, make sure that your real name is not listed on the information about you as a user. But then, of course, you lose the ability to prove that you are the author of the work, should that ever come into question.

Undergraduate / Review my paragraph on why I'm attending Longview College [3]

Let's work on basics:

Spell out numbers under twenty as well as those that can be expressed in a single word (thirty, fifty, etc.).

That's minor. The chief problem I see here is tense. You start out in present tense but then wobble. Since you made the choice of which college to attend in the past, start in past tense and stay there, with the exception of things that continue to be true (i.e. how many children you have).

So:

I'm currently enrolled in English30 and Math20, yet these classes are below college level.S o, if I were to have entered a University to start my college education, it would most likely have been a wrong decision for me.

Undergraduate / "trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement! [11]

Through my mother's absense I learned that you can do anything if you have the right state of mind.

don't blame her for leaving; I believe her absence has made me an independent woman .

Letters / Response to the advertisement; SCHOLARSHIP (MSc in Public Health) [3]

You tend to write introductory clauses that do not match the main clause of the sentence:


You needed to read their requirements to learn that a degree in public health would help you in those ways? No! You already knew that. Instead you should say:After reading your requirements, I am confident that I meet your criteria.Ascholarship in an MSc in Public health will help increase my knowledge base and research development skills as a community oriented medical doctor with improved excellent training and management to deliver best practice service in underscored areas in my country.


Are you more than one person? No! Then you cannot say, "As the ..., we..." Instead:
As the health coordinator of the NGO where I currently work, I manage all of our health-related activities. W e are involved ina free public health mission responsible forcounseling on health issues and environment (e.g immunization, teenage pregnancy, scarification, ante natal and post natal care, HIV/AIDS, malarial prevention etc); issuing of mosquito treated nets to pregnant women and under- five children;diagnosis and treatment; collection of data of various categories of disease; research on possible cause of disease; and follow up with innovative solution towards community sustainable development programmes to alleviate identified problems.

Writing Feedback / IBT essay - Study for free at the university [6]

For the most part, your sentence structures are sound, but you sometimes make incorrect word choices.


This doesn't make any sense at all to me.

However, the government should have the support to students who want to study at the university but can't afford for it. Students can borrow money for their food and lodging, and they will pay back several years after graduating several years .

Poetry / Shakespeare's Sonnet #73 Translation [4]

Noto,

This is lovely! You not only capture the sense of the sonnet, but do so in a way that creates a sonnet of its own. I hope that your teacher will appreciate you perception and your creativity.

Undergraduate / Common application - Tinkerbell [6]

Yes, I must say that I find myself confused too. Generally, it's a good idea to write metaphorically in these essays, but you may have gone too far in that direction. While one doesn't mind working hard to decipher a literary work, one ought not have to work hard to figure out what an application essay is about.

Writing Feedback / A paragraph about Dreams [9]

Hmmm... I don't see you offering help to others. But, OK.


This starts with a comma splice. The clauses on both sides of the comma are complete sentences. Therefore, that comma ought to be either a period or a semi-colon. In addition, the second clause is confusing, with some missing words and some extra words. I think what you are trying to say is:

Dreams are just like flowers. W e can't imagine our life without them, and as such we have to take care of them just as we do with flowers so that they will grow up as we want.

Undergraduate / Learning more about me (academic successes) - My trip to Disney World [4]

Yes, this is an extraordinarily strong essay: moving, detailed, and to the point.


So, say which vegetables in the narrative itself. "... turned back to chopping the ????" Details make stories stronger.

Writing Feedback / 'How I adapted to fit in' - Meaningful experience [10]


Normally, I advise against such tropes as "I digress," but in this case it works, giving us a glimpse of your personality. Unfortunately the rest of your essay departs little from the standard army/navy/etc child essay -- multiple schools, dedication to discipline, etc. -- and we see very little of your own unique personality. Don't omit anything you have now, but do add some more flavor.

Undergraduate / Understanding music for UW-Madison, thank you! [3]

I began playing the piano at the age of five . Believing that I had some talent for music, my parents brought me to the piano, which was a head taller than me.


Your imagery here is lovely, but the tense shifts from past to present in the middle of the sentence.


This is a wonderful analogy. That makes the essay more than just about music, which is what you want.

Overall, the theme and imagery is strong; you just need to edit for grammar, paying particular attention to preposition and verb tenses.

Writing Feedback / Reading habits of Leeville citizens - Analyse An Argument. Rate on a scale of 6 [2]


No, the argument does not state this. One study found that Leeville citizens reported this. In light of their actual behavior, the argument is that Leeville citizens misrepresent their reading habits, claiming to prefer literary classics while actually preferring mystery novels.


It's you who are leaping to wild conclusions. What evidence do you have that university researchers surveyed only older citizens and that, furthermore, those older citizens are not users of the public libraries? In fact, I believe that research indicates that older adults are more likely than younger adults to use public libraries.

Here's what I'm trying to say: The findings of the study depend on whether the researchers used standard research procedures. Standard research procedures would be, when studying the reading preferences of a population, to ensure that a random sample of the population is surveyed, with care taken to make sure that there is not a skew in terms of age, income, etc. The chances are high that a university research team took such precautions. Therefore, one may raise the question of whether such precautions were taken, but relying for one's argument on the slim possibility that university researchers did not follow even the most basic research guidelines seems ill-advised. Certainly, your adamant tone is ill-considered.

What, then, might be the flaw in the argument? Assuming that the first study was well designed and therefore did accurately reflect what Leeville citizens say they prefer to read, the question becomes whether public library borrowing habits reflect the preferences of the entire population. Probably not. Public library users tend to be less affluent, and also heavily weighted age-wise, with older adults and children/adolescents using the libraries more than young and middle aged adults.

Therefore, to get a true sense of what citizens really read, bookstore sales would also have to be taken into account. But here there is another problem, as more and more citizens -- particularly young, tech-savvy citizens -- buy online rather than shopping locally.

Nonetheless, the conclusion is probably true, unless Leeville is very different from the rest of the country, housing a concentration of literature lovers. Nationally, mystery novels out-sell literary classics many times over, and the likelihood is that a study of Leeville buying habits would not differ from that.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - PhD application - Mechanical Engineering [5]

This is very strong and does include the rudiments of a statement of purpose. I'd like to see you pare down the narrative (they don't really need to know about the conversation with your friend, by the way) and add a little more about what you hope to do in future. You say teaching and research, but if you have any particular research interests, you should say them. Also, if you would like to be part of that study you mentioned, you should say so directly.