jon_snow
Mar 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: which is better learning from the advice of fnf or from personal experience [5]
thank you all
thank you all
jon_snow
Mar 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / toefl essay: large company vs small company - which one is better? [3]
Not 100% satisfy with it. but i maintained time strictly. i hope, i will write better essay in near future within the allocated time. :)
feel free to comment...
Question: Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.
Answer:
Workplace is important for both employee and employer. This is because, if employees are happy with their workplace then the company will be more productive and business will be profitable. However, people have different opinions about workplace. Some people think it is better to work for a large company and others prefer to work in a small company. In my view, work in a large company is better than work in a small company for two reasons.
First, work for a large company is prestigious. Everybody in the country knows that company very well and people treat employees of big companies more respectfully. For example, I work in a leading telecom company of my country as an Assistant Engineer. Last month I went my village and one of my uncles asked me what I do for leaving. I told him about my job. After listening the name of my company, he said it is not a piece of cake to join in this kind of company. He also said that, this kind of company always take hard exam to select their employees. According to him, as I am one of their employees, therefore, I already defeated many candidates and proved myself as a strong candidate. This made me proud. As you can see, working in a large company is prestigious.
Another reason is large company can provide more facilities that small company could not. For instance, my company provides lunch facilities, transportation facilities besides a handsome salary. On the other hand, some of my friends work in a small company and they don't get this kind of facilities. Moreover, the environment of the large company is better than small company. For example, the company, where I work, has different section and many employees. However, we all work in a cooperative mood.
In conclusion, large companies provide more facilities and bring prestige to employee, therefore, I believe large companies are better than small companies and everyone should try to join in large companies.
Not 100% satisfy with it. but i maintained time strictly. i hope, i will write better essay in near future within the allocated time. :)
feel free to comment...
Question: Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.
Answer:
Workplace is important for both employee and employer. This is because, if employees are happy with their workplace then the company will be more productive and business will be profitable. However, people have different opinions about workplace. Some people think it is better to work for a large company and others prefer to work in a small company. In my view, work in a large company is better than work in a small company for two reasons.
First, work for a large company is prestigious. Everybody in the country knows that company very well and people treat employees of big companies more respectfully. For example, I work in a leading telecom company of my country as an Assistant Engineer. Last month I went my village and one of my uncles asked me what I do for leaving. I told him about my job. After listening the name of my company, he said it is not a piece of cake to join in this kind of company. He also said that, this kind of company always take hard exam to select their employees. According to him, as I am one of their employees, therefore, I already defeated many candidates and proved myself as a strong candidate. This made me proud. As you can see, working in a large company is prestigious.
Another reason is large company can provide more facilities that small company could not. For instance, my company provides lunch facilities, transportation facilities besides a handsome salary. On the other hand, some of my friends work in a small company and they don't get this kind of facilities. Moreover, the environment of the large company is better than small company. For example, the company, where I work, has different section and many employees. However, we all work in a cooperative mood.
In conclusion, large companies provide more facilities and bring prestige to employee, therefore, I believe large companies are better than small companies and everyone should try to join in large companies.
jon_snow
Mar 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL -You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. [5]
good writing indeed. however, i think some grammatical problems are there.
it will be better if you write it in this way :"I heard that ancient people had deemed India as "Golden Bird". Therefore I am curious what made primitive people to give that title to India "
that "is been deemed" sounds wrong to me...
anyway overall excellent writing... :)
good writing indeed. however, i think some grammatical problems are there.
I have heard that India is been deemed as "Golden bird" therefore I want to find out what made primitive people to give this title to today's under developing country India
it will be better if you write it in this way :"I heard that ancient people had deemed India as "Golden Bird". Therefore I am curious what made primitive people to give that title to India "
that "is been deemed" sounds wrong to me...
anyway overall excellent writing... :)
jon_snow
Mar 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]
okay, i will definitely give it a try... :D
okay, i will definitely give it a try... :D
jon_snow
Mar 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: which is better learning from the advice of fnf or from personal experience [5]
Question: Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of learning about life. Which do you think is preferable? Use specific examples to support your preference.
Answer:
Learning new things is important. To make our life more comfortable and to be a successful person we learn many things everyday. Some people think the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends and other think that personal experience is better. In my view, personal experience is the best way to learn about life.
First, it is important to get the life experience by oneself not from others. If we listen to our family and friends experience and try to learn from it, i believe, as we have not face that experience in person, therefore, we cannot get the whole scenario perfectly. Moreover, everybody deals with problems differently. We cannot simple believe, something is impossible just because our family or friends could not do it. For instance, last year some of my friends started preparation for Graduate Record Examinations (GRE) and after one month of preparation, they took the test and got a low score. After that, they all discouraged me to take the test. They told me that it could not be feasible for me to get a good score in GRE from one month preparation. However, I was determined and had decided to take my chance. I started my preparation and after one month of diligent study i took the test and got my desire score. As you can see, if I listened to my friends, i would never sit for the exam as well as never would get a good score.
Another reason is that, personal life experiences give us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. I believe everyone's life is different from others. We do not have the same facility as well as we do not face the exact same problem in life. For instance, few years earlier, i decided to learn java and some of my friends suggested me to admit in a computer center to learn it. So, i admitted in a java learning course in a computer center. However, i learn only a few things there because the instructor was not that good and his method of teaching was so complex. It was just waste of my money and after a month, i left that course. Nevertheless, i did not give up my dream of learning java. I started searching and found a lot of online tutorials. With the help of those tutorials, i learned how to do program in java. This experience taught me, personal life experience is better than listening advice of friends.
In conclusion, as personal experience gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and it is hardly possible to get the exact scenario from other life experience; therefore, I believe, it is better to learn from personal experience.
Question: Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of learning about life. Which do you think is preferable? Use specific examples to support your preference.
Answer:
Learning new things is important. To make our life more comfortable and to be a successful person we learn many things everyday. Some people think the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends and other think that personal experience is better. In my view, personal experience is the best way to learn about life.
First, it is important to get the life experience by oneself not from others. If we listen to our family and friends experience and try to learn from it, i believe, as we have not face that experience in person, therefore, we cannot get the whole scenario perfectly. Moreover, everybody deals with problems differently. We cannot simple believe, something is impossible just because our family or friends could not do it. For instance, last year some of my friends started preparation for Graduate Record Examinations (GRE) and after one month of preparation, they took the test and got a low score. After that, they all discouraged me to take the test. They told me that it could not be feasible for me to get a good score in GRE from one month preparation. However, I was determined and had decided to take my chance. I started my preparation and after one month of diligent study i took the test and got my desire score. As you can see, if I listened to my friends, i would never sit for the exam as well as never would get a good score.
Another reason is that, personal life experiences give us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. I believe everyone's life is different from others. We do not have the same facility as well as we do not face the exact same problem in life. For instance, few years earlier, i decided to learn java and some of my friends suggested me to admit in a computer center to learn it. So, i admitted in a java learning course in a computer center. However, i learn only a few things there because the instructor was not that good and his method of teaching was so complex. It was just waste of my money and after a month, i left that course. Nevertheless, i did not give up my dream of learning java. I started searching and found a lot of online tutorials. With the help of those tutorials, i learned how to do program in java. This experience taught me, personal life experience is better than listening advice of friends.
In conclusion, as personal experience gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and it is hardly possible to get the exact scenario from other life experience; therefore, I believe, it is better to learn from personal experience.
jon_snow
Mar 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]
that's ok dumi... :)
anyway, i found it in ets's 180 questions for independent writing. however, notefull suggested that, that prompt is for independent speaking too. For speaking section, currently i am following notefull strategy.. It's little bit challenging to give 2 example with reasons and with a conclusion in 45 seconds. anyway, i will really appreciate if you give some alternative suggestions/ strategies on speaking.
by the way, i have a question in my mind. As I saw some IELTS takers uploading their writing task 1 here, so i am wondering, is there any way to upload my integrated writing? As it contains reading and listening part so i am little confused, how to upload the audio. however, I can make a transcript of that audio, but it's a tedious job; u know. :(
it will be very helpful if you give me some suggestion in this regard... :)
a million thanks to you both (you and pahan) for your constant support :)
Well, I think I have asked a wrong question :( I had not followed your prompt properly and really sorry about it. :( I just saw it is a part of the prompt.
that's ok dumi... :)
anyway, i found it in ets's 180 questions for independent writing. however, notefull suggested that, that prompt is for independent speaking too. For speaking section, currently i am following notefull strategy.. It's little bit challenging to give 2 example with reasons and with a conclusion in 45 seconds. anyway, i will really appreciate if you give some alternative suggestions/ strategies on speaking.
by the way, i have a question in my mind. As I saw some IELTS takers uploading their writing task 1 here, so i am wondering, is there any way to upload my integrated writing? As it contains reading and listening part so i am little confused, how to upload the audio. however, I can make a transcript of that audio, but it's a tedious job; u know. :(
it will be very helpful if you give me some suggestion in this regard... :)
a million thanks to you both (you and pahan) for your constant support :)
jon_snow
Mar 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]
thanks dumi. You always write informative comments.
i wrote that to restate my reason and to make a connection with the prompt and my position... however, after reading this again i found that redundant too.
thanks dumi. You always write informative comments.
jon_snow:
As this is so colorful, therefore, i like to expand this culture to different people of different countries.
... I don't understand why you included this sentence here in this essay. For me, it does not look like a requirement.
As this is so colorful, therefore, i like to expand this culture to different people of different countries.
... I don't understand why you included this sentence here in this essay. For me, it does not look like a requirement.
i wrote that to restate my reason and to make a connection with the prompt and my position... however, after reading this again i found that redundant too.
jon_snow
Mar 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which is better- Learning foreign language in home or host country? [5]
example example example... give specific example to support your reasons. I already talked about this on your previous essay. Therefore, i am not going to bore you by saying the same thing here.
another problem with your essay is, your word count is low. Moreover, your body para is too brief. Make those elaborate. The easiest way to make a good size body para is writing specific example.
Don't introduce new idea/reason in your conclusion. This will hurt your score.
you have not mentioned anything that supports learning new language in one's homeland will be cost effective. however, you wrote learning new language from a foreign country requires more money; we can infer the cost effectiveness from this. but, don't do that. Try to write as clearly as possible. Always remember, as much work load as you put on your reader/grader, that much chance of losing score you have increased. So write clearly and perfectly.
wish you all the best :)
example example example... give specific example to support your reasons. I already talked about this on your previous essay. Therefore, i am not going to bore you by saying the same thing here.
another problem with your essay is, your word count is low. Moreover, your body para is too brief. Make those elaborate. The easiest way to make a good size body para is writing specific example.
Don't introduce new idea/reason in your conclusion. This will hurt your score.
It is cost effective and there is a pool of opportunities available now to accomplish the same.
you have not mentioned anything that supports learning new language in one's homeland will be cost effective. however, you wrote learning new language from a foreign country requires more money; we can infer the cost effectiveness from this. but, don't do that. Try to write as clearly as possible. Always remember, as much work load as you put on your reader/grader, that much chance of losing score you have increased. So write clearly and perfectly.
wish you all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]
thanks pahan :)
thanks pahan :)
jon_snow
Mar 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - Short stories are preferred more than movies,explain your position. [7]
you did not describe your position in your intro. Moreover your prompt is defective. Toefl will never impose a side on you and force you to describe about it. It will give you at least 2 potions and you have to choose one. In your essay you have to support your opinion with supporting details and examples. Most probably you prompt was "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Reading fiction (such as novels and short stories) is more enjoyable than watching movies. Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position. " This kind of question you will encounter in toefl. So, as you can see, you have to choose a side and support why have you chosen that side. So it is redundant to write about both side.
General guideline: Write an intro which describes your position clearly. Then give a reason at the beginning of your body para. In your body para, support that particular reason with supporting example or detail. restate you position in your conclusion.
wish you all the best :)
you did not describe your position in your intro. Moreover your prompt is defective. Toefl will never impose a side on you and force you to describe about it. It will give you at least 2 potions and you have to choose one. In your essay you have to support your opinion with supporting details and examples. Most probably you prompt was "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Reading fiction (such as novels and short stories) is more enjoyable than watching movies. Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position. " This kind of question you will encounter in toefl. So, as you can see, you have to choose a side and support why have you chosen that side. So it is redundant to write about both side.
General guideline: Write an intro which describes your position clearly. Then give a reason at the beginning of your body para. In your body para, support that particular reason with supporting example or detail. restate you position in your conclusion.
wish you all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL : business research or agriculture research. What do you recommend for your country? [3]
Excellent hook. Your intro is perfect. However, i think last sentence of your intro is redundant. You can write it in the 3rd line with your opinion. You can write it this way: "If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I will recommend a center for research in agriculture( farming) and this is for 2/3 reasons. "
Your reasons were good. Nevertheless, you did not give any specific example to support your reason. You can make your writing more elaborate by saying, you know that in your village farmers are facing several problems and then say what kind of problem they face. However, you have mentioned some problems that farmers face in your 1st body para but they are not focused. By saying you know this from your life experience you can make a strong connection with your writing and your example. it is not mandatory to write about real life experience, you can write hypothetical examples. Even, i don't know whether farmers of my village face any problem or not. but i will write, i know farmers of my village face problems. My point is make it more focus and coherent by giving more specific examples. At the end of the para you should say how new research center can help your village. This way you can create a coherent writing; your word count will increase. Same suggestion goes for your next 2 body para. however, you should write about different scenario in next para to support your new reason. Same scenario can bring repetition in your writing. Be aware of that.
By the way, i personally believe, it will be better if you describe 2 reasons with supporting examples rather than 3. And i am saying this because, come up with 2 reasons is easier than 3. In addition, as you are giving specific example to support your idea, therefore, it will not hurt your word count.
last but not least, don't use numbers like firstly secondly. This is too cliche. It will be better if you use main reason, in addition, furthermore, moreover, on the other hand; this kind of linking words to describe your reasons.. :)
wish you all the best :)
Excellent hook. Your intro is perfect. However, i think last sentence of your intro is redundant. You can write it in the 3rd line with your opinion. You can write it this way: "If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I will recommend a center for research in agriculture
Your reasons were good. Nevertheless, you did not give any specific example to support your reason. You can make your writing more elaborate by saying, you know that in your village farmers are facing several problems and then say what kind of problem they face. However, you have mentioned some problems that farmers face in your 1st body para but they are not focused. By saying you know this from your life experience you can make a strong connection with your writing and your example. it is not mandatory to write about real life experience, you can write hypothetical examples. Even, i don't know whether farmers of my village face any problem or not. but i will write, i know farmers of my village face problems. My point is make it more focus and coherent by giving more specific examples. At the end of the para you should say how new research center can help your village. This way you can create a coherent writing; your word count will increase. Same suggestion goes for your next 2 body para. however, you should write about different scenario in next para to support your new reason. Same scenario can bring repetition in your writing. Be aware of that.
By the way, i personally believe, it will be better if you describe 2 reasons with supporting examples rather than 3. And i am saying this because, come up with 2 reasons is easier than 3. In addition, as you are giving specific example to support your idea, therefore, it will not hurt your word count.
last but not least, don't use numbers like firstly secondly. This is too cliche. It will be better if you use main reason, in addition, furthermore, moreover, on the other hand; this kind of linking words to describe your reasons.. :)
wish you all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / My father wanted doctor profession for me; subject without opportunity to study [5]
i think your second reason is not strong enough. You already took your higher education on Management despite protest of your family members. And by doing so, you have already established an example to your family as well as to your cousin. So your second reason is actually redundant. Moreover, after reading your 2nd body para it seems to me that you are not completely satisfy with your path. However, you said you choose management over medical and it was your decision in your 1st body para. I think your 2 body para contradicts your own words.
To get ride of this kind of ambiguity, i suggest you to give different reason, may be a reason which involves outside of your family. it could be your friend, acquaintance or anything... my point is don't give similar types of reasons. Furthermore, if you could not come up with different reason, i mean, if you could not think any reason outside your family then describe different scenario, give different example. i personally believe, providing different scenario is easier than come up with different reason.
The best part is you writing is good. There are some typo (in my opinion) in your essay. And my fellow commentators already discuss about that. Despite those, your writing is good. By the way, I suggest you to follow a particular format for toeft. This will give more structural shape of your essay. however, you followed a structure but what i meant to say is more detail format. Structure for intro, each body para and conclusion. However, all of this depends on your flexibility. If you feel more comfortable in free writing then no need to write based on format. Just give it a try, let see which works for you best.
wish you all the best :)
i think your second reason is not strong enough. You already took your higher education on Management despite protest of your family members. And by doing so, you have already established an example to your family as well as to your cousin. So your second reason is actually redundant. Moreover, after reading your 2nd body para it seems to me that you are not completely satisfy with your path. However, you said you choose management over medical and it was your decision in your 1st body para. I think your 2 body para contradicts your own words.
To get ride of this kind of ambiguity, i suggest you to give different reason, may be a reason which involves outside of your family. it could be your friend, acquaintance or anything... my point is don't give similar types of reasons. Furthermore, if you could not come up with different reason, i mean, if you could not think any reason outside your family then describe different scenario, give different example. i personally believe, providing different scenario is easier than come up with different reason.
The best part is you writing is good. There are some typo (in my opinion) in your essay. And my fellow commentators already discuss about that. Despite those, your writing is good. By the way, I suggest you to follow a particular format for toeft. This will give more structural shape of your essay. however, you followed a structure but what i meant to say is more detail format. Structure for intro, each body para and conclusion. However, all of this depends on your flexibility. If you feel more comfortable in free writing then no need to write based on format. Just give it a try, let see which works for you best.
wish you all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]
This is the most devilish toefl essay prompt that I have encountered ever. Even I had to modify my essay structure to write this. The problem I faced here is, there is no suitable supporting materials to support my claim. My country has many customs that I love to share, however, i could not find good supporting detail to write a good body paras for any of them. It is hard when you have to write an essay in a time constrain manner and you could not find any supporting material to support your essay in your brainstorming session. anyway here it is. feel free to comment and give me some advice how to tackle this kind of unusual questions.
Question: Describe a custom from your country that you would like people from other countries to adopt. Explain your choice, using specific reasons and examples.
Answer:
Different countries have different customs and traditions. On the same note, my country also has some customs. The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage people from other countries to adopt is celebrating "Pohela Falgun". "Pohela Falgun" is the 1st day of the Falgun month- a month of Bangla calendar. There are several reasons why I encourage people of different countries to follow this particular custom, however, I will discuss about two here.
First reason is, this custom is very colorful. We celebrate "Pohela Falgun" on February 13th -according to Gregorian calendar, therefore, the weather is really good. At the time of the year, in February, trees have passed the harsh winter and spring just arrived. Therefore, most of the trees have new green leaves and flowers. As a result, nature itself looks more fresh and colorful. Moreover, on that particular day, people of my country take a festive look. Girls wear green 'Shari'- traditional dress for girl's of my country. They also use flowers to ornate themselves. On the other hand, boys wear green or yellow 'Panjabi'- a popular man's wear of my country. Boys and girls of different ages hang out with their friends. Moreover, some cultural organizations arrange cultural programs around the city as well as in village. As this is so colorful, therefore, i like to expand this culture to different people of different countries.
Another reason is that, this is a special day for us. We spend this day with our family and friends. For instance, this year I celebrated the "Pohela Falgun" with my friends. We all wore the traditional dress and at the morning, we went to the "rabindra sarbar" where cultural program was arranged by a leading cultural organization name "kristi". We enjoyed their performance so much. After the cultural program had ended, we took some photos of our own. When the photo session was over, we went to a nearby restaurant and took traditional food. As you can see, I had lots of fun with my friends on this day.
In sum, as "Pohela Falgun" is colorful and a fun day to spend with friends, therefore, I believe it will be a good addition to the people of different countries.
This is the most devilish toefl essay prompt that I have encountered ever. Even I had to modify my essay structure to write this. The problem I faced here is, there is no suitable supporting materials to support my claim. My country has many customs that I love to share, however, i could not find good supporting detail to write a good body paras for any of them. It is hard when you have to write an essay in a time constrain manner and you could not find any supporting material to support your essay in your brainstorming session. anyway here it is. feel free to comment and give me some advice how to tackle this kind of unusual questions.
Question: Describe a custom from your country that you would like people from other countries to adopt. Explain your choice, using specific reasons and examples.
Answer:
Different countries have different customs and traditions. On the same note, my country also has some customs. The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage people from other countries to adopt is celebrating "Pohela Falgun". "Pohela Falgun" is the 1st day of the Falgun month- a month of Bangla calendar. There are several reasons why I encourage people of different countries to follow this particular custom, however, I will discuss about two here.
First reason is, this custom is very colorful. We celebrate "Pohela Falgun" on February 13th -according to Gregorian calendar, therefore, the weather is really good. At the time of the year, in February, trees have passed the harsh winter and spring just arrived. Therefore, most of the trees have new green leaves and flowers. As a result, nature itself looks more fresh and colorful. Moreover, on that particular day, people of my country take a festive look. Girls wear green 'Shari'- traditional dress for girl's of my country. They also use flowers to ornate themselves. On the other hand, boys wear green or yellow 'Panjabi'- a popular man's wear of my country. Boys and girls of different ages hang out with their friends. Moreover, some cultural organizations arrange cultural programs around the city as well as in village. As this is so colorful, therefore, i like to expand this culture to different people of different countries.
Another reason is that, this is a special day for us. We spend this day with our family and friends. For instance, this year I celebrated the "Pohela Falgun" with my friends. We all wore the traditional dress and at the morning, we went to the "rabindra sarbar" where cultural program was arranged by a leading cultural organization name "kristi". We enjoyed their performance so much. After the cultural program had ended, we took some photos of our own. When the photo session was over, we went to a nearby restaurant and took traditional food. As you can see, I had lots of fun with my friends on this day.
In sum, as "Pohela Falgun" is colorful and a fun day to spend with friends, therefore, I believe it will be a good addition to the people of different countries.
jon_snow
Mar 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / Television dominates the free time for too many people& prevent from socializing? [6]
in my opinion, your essay is little bit out of focus. you job is to support or oppose the idea with several reasons and examples. If you support the idea, you should say, tv is good and support your idea accordingly. Don't write both part of your prompt in your supporting para. Moreover, you did not actually mention your position in your intro. Your opinion is vague. In your 1st body para you wrote mostly about the advantage of tv. However, after reading your intro i thought you were supporting the prompt. i am in great perplex.
moreover, you wrote too much complex sentences which made your writing difficult to follow. it will be better if you write simple sentence more than complex sentence. By doing this you can express yourself more clearly and your writing will become more coherent.
try to use specific example to support your idea. this will help your to write fluently and comfortable. In addition it will increase your word count.
if you can overcome those, i believe you can write an excellent essay.
wish you all the best :)
in my opinion, your essay is little bit out of focus. you job is to support or oppose the idea with several reasons and examples. If you support the idea, you should say, tv is good and support your idea accordingly. Don't write both part of your prompt in your supporting para. Moreover, you did not actually mention your position in your intro. Your opinion is vague. In your 1st body para you wrote mostly about the advantage of tv. However, after reading your intro i thought you were supporting the prompt. i am in great perplex.
moreover, you wrote too much complex sentences which made your writing difficult to follow. it will be better if you write simple sentence more than complex sentence. By doing this you can express yourself more clearly and your writing will become more coherent.
try to use specific example to support your idea. this will help your to write fluently and comfortable. In addition it will increase your word count.
if you can overcome those, i believe you can write an excellent essay.
wish you all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Who should pay tuition fees for adults who are interested in university studies? [5]
hi, don't get lost in your hook. it is always better if you keep your hook short. A hook should not be more than 2 sentences. Moreover you did not mentioned your opinion in your intro.
Next, state your reasons at the beginning of your body para. this will help reader to follow your essay more comfortably. in addition, it will make your writing coherent and we all know coherent writing is the key of success.
overall sentence structure is good. Work on the paragraph structure and you can write an outstanding essay.
wish you all the best
hi, don't get lost in your hook. it is always better if you keep your hook short. A hook should not be more than 2 sentences. Moreover you did not mentioned your opinion in your intro.
Next, state your reasons at the beginning of your body para. this will help reader to follow your essay more comfortably. in addition, it will make your writing coherent and we all know coherent writing is the key of success.
overall sentence structure is good. Work on the paragraph structure and you can write an outstanding essay.
wish you all the best
jon_snow
Mar 10, 2014
jon_snow
Mar 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: part time job for teenage students [5]
Question: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
Answer:
When we talk about student, we generally mean a boy or a girl who study in school or college. In some country, teenage students have the opportunity to do some part time job beside their study. However, some people do not support the concept of teenagers doing job beside study. In my view, it is good for a teenager to do a part time job while he/she is still a student and this is for two reasons.
The main reason is that students can learn lots of things from part time job, before starting their real job. Students can learn about time management, money management and convince people by their words. For example, when I was in my high school I worked as a sales-man in a shop for a year. As i had to spend some of my time in my job, therefore, i had to manage my time efficiently. I had to manage my boss as well as had to prepare my homework. This taught me how to manage time efficiently and do any job quickly and effectively. Moreover, I learn money management. When my boss was out of the shop, i had to manage the accounts section of the shop. From this i learned, how to manage money correctly. This experience taught me, doing part time job can help students to learn many things.
Another reason is that from part time jobs students can earn money, which can help their parents. For instance, when i was in high school I worked as a home tutor. I taught math to two kids of my neighbor. I helped them to understand the difficult topics of the books. By tutoring them, i earned some money and bought me books with it. Moreover, after taking that part time job i stopped taking my pocket money form my parents. As you can see, part time job can help students earn money and which can help their parents financially.
In sum, I am sure; some people will oppose the idea of part time job for students. They will argue, it can destruct students from their study. However, as i did part time job in my high school and it did not hurt my academic result; therefore, i believe part time job will be good for students. Every Student should do part time job beside their study if they want to prepare more efficiently for their future.
Question: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
Answer:
When we talk about student, we generally mean a boy or a girl who study in school or college. In some country, teenage students have the opportunity to do some part time job beside their study. However, some people do not support the concept of teenagers doing job beside study. In my view, it is good for a teenager to do a part time job while he/she is still a student and this is for two reasons.
The main reason is that students can learn lots of things from part time job, before starting their real job. Students can learn about time management, money management and convince people by their words. For example, when I was in my high school I worked as a sales-man in a shop for a year. As i had to spend some of my time in my job, therefore, i had to manage my time efficiently. I had to manage my boss as well as had to prepare my homework. This taught me how to manage time efficiently and do any job quickly and effectively. Moreover, I learn money management. When my boss was out of the shop, i had to manage the accounts section of the shop. From this i learned, how to manage money correctly. This experience taught me, doing part time job can help students to learn many things.
Another reason is that from part time jobs students can earn money, which can help their parents. For instance, when i was in high school I worked as a home tutor. I taught math to two kids of my neighbor. I helped them to understand the difficult topics of the books. By tutoring them, i earned some money and bought me books with it. Moreover, after taking that part time job i stopped taking my pocket money form my parents. As you can see, part time job can help students earn money and which can help their parents financially.
In sum, I am sure; some people will oppose the idea of part time job for students. They will argue, it can destruct students from their study. However, as i did part time job in my high school and it did not hurt my academic result; therefore, i believe part time job will be good for students. Every Student should do part time job beside their study if they want to prepare more efficiently for their future.
jon_snow
Mar 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / if you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor? toefl essay [4]
it will be better if you write: "therefore, even today people celebrate numerous types of holidays around the world to represent their country's tradition and to show their honor to their ancestors. "
don't write children, instead you can write it in this way: "as a part of the glorious legacy of Great Genghis Khan, i believe, we should celebrate this day with deep respect and integrity to commemorate the contributions that he made to this nation."
By the way, your intro is pretty big. Try to write a short intro. your supporting idea (what he did and what you think) should be in your body para. your intro should only contain your opinion and nothing more than that.
your overall writing is good. wish you all the best :)
Therefore, even today there are numerous types of holiday celebrated around the world to represent their country's tradition and honor the famous ancient people.
it will be better if you write: "therefore, even today people celebrate numerous types of holidays around the world to represent their country's tradition and to show their honor to their ancestors. "
As the children of Great Genghis Khan
don't write children, instead you can write it in this way: "as a part of the glorious legacy of Great Genghis Khan, i believe, we should celebrate this day with deep respect and integrity to commemorate the contributions that he made to this nation."
By the way, your intro is pretty big. Try to write a short intro. your supporting idea (what he did and what you think) should be in your body para. your intro should only contain your opinion and nothing more than that.
your overall writing is good. wish you all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: taking risk vs careful planning [7]
ohh silly me... :P thanks for your comment :)
ohh silly me... :P thanks for your comment :)
jon_snow
Mar 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: taking risk vs careful planning [7]
i am facing some confusion on these sentences. please correct me if those sentences are grammatically wrong.. :)
if there is more please let me know :)
i am facing some confusion on these sentences. please correct me if those sentences are grammatically wrong.. :)
For example, last year when i started my toefl preparation, I took a full length test at first and realized that i have/had to improve my writing ability.
According to my plan after the writing was finished i shared that essay with one of my friends
In this way, I became more focus/focused on my silly mistakes and became a better writer in a few months
if there is more please let me know :)
jon_snow
Mar 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: taking risk vs careful planning [7]
Question: Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer
Answer:
Everyone in this world wants to be a successful person. However, success in life is not that easy. Different people prefer to follow different way on their way to success. Some believe that taking risk or chances is the best way to get to their desire goal, however, other think that proper and careful planning is the key to success. In my view, careful planning can lead people to success easily than taking risk or chances, and this is for two reasons.
The main reason is that, we do know what will be out next move if we have a proper plan and this will make us more focus to our job. For example, last year when i started my toefl preparation, I took a full length test at first and realized that i have to improve my writing ability. In this regard, i made a plan and started my work based on that. I planned to write an essay everyday. According to my plan after the writing was finished i shared that essay with one of my friends. As he was good in English, he gave me some important advice to improve my writing. He also checked my essay and gave me good feedback. Based on that feedback, I prepared my next essay. In this way, I became more focus on my silly mistakes and became a better writer in a few months. As you can see, without a proper planning it was never been possible for me to improve my writing.
The another reason is that with proper planning we can predict if something bad is coming and can take necessary steps to protect ourselves for those bad things. For instance, last year garment industry had faced a bad time. As my uncle is in this business and he always plans his business strategy early, he did not face any problem to run his business. As more and more people were engaging themselves in garment industry, he predicted that their will be more competition in near future. He planned his strategy to overcome this problem. He maintained a good relation with his buyers. He provided with best quality goods as they deserved and started making more business relations with more buyers. Therefore, when the actual crisis had arrived he was in a comfortable position because he had a good number of buyers in his hand. This example taught me, careful planning always helps us to realize what is coming and make us prepare for that.
In sum, many people will say that taking risk is better than careful planning, however, i believe, as careful planning gives us the opportunity to plan for our next move and alert us for the upcoming problems, therefore proper and careful planning is better. Those who want to be a successful person in life should take careful plan before implementing any idea.
Question: Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer
Answer:
Everyone in this world wants to be a successful person. However, success in life is not that easy. Different people prefer to follow different way on their way to success. Some believe that taking risk or chances is the best way to get to their desire goal, however, other think that proper and careful planning is the key to success. In my view, careful planning can lead people to success easily than taking risk or chances, and this is for two reasons.
The main reason is that, we do know what will be out next move if we have a proper plan and this will make us more focus to our job. For example, last year when i started my toefl preparation, I took a full length test at first and realized that i have to improve my writing ability. In this regard, i made a plan and started my work based on that. I planned to write an essay everyday. According to my plan after the writing was finished i shared that essay with one of my friends. As he was good in English, he gave me some important advice to improve my writing. He also checked my essay and gave me good feedback. Based on that feedback, I prepared my next essay. In this way, I became more focus on my silly mistakes and became a better writer in a few months. As you can see, without a proper planning it was never been possible for me to improve my writing.
The another reason is that with proper planning we can predict if something bad is coming and can take necessary steps to protect ourselves for those bad things. For instance, last year garment industry had faced a bad time. As my uncle is in this business and he always plans his business strategy early, he did not face any problem to run his business. As more and more people were engaging themselves in garment industry, he predicted that their will be more competition in near future. He planned his strategy to overcome this problem. He maintained a good relation with his buyers. He provided with best quality goods as they deserved and started making more business relations with more buyers. Therefore, when the actual crisis had arrived he was in a comfortable position because he had a good number of buyers in his hand. This example taught me, careful planning always helps us to realize what is coming and make us prepare for that.
In sum, many people will say that taking risk is better than careful planning, however, i believe, as careful planning gives us the opportunity to plan for our next move and alert us for the upcoming problems, therefore proper and careful planning is better. Those who want to be a successful person in life should take careful plan before implementing any idea.
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing: Qualities for Becoming Successful Can't Learn At A University? [6]
Don't start your essay like that. Restate the question in your essay. However, before restating your question you have to write a hook. A hook is nothing but some general statement of your essay. I mean write something in general about the topic. By the way, hook should not be more than 2 sentences; otherwise your intro will be too long. in brief your intro should contain a hook then restatement of the question then your opinion; total 4 sentences. This way you can develop a nice short intro. :)
This sentence is not right. i don't know what are you trying to say. most probably you tried to say: "first of all, university is the only place where young people can learn professional knowledge and this knowledge will help them to pursue a successful career." still not sure whether i get that right. :P. anyway you should write it clearly and properly.
Don't use hypothetical example in this way. Try to put a specific example. Write you know a lawyer who is excellent in his job, and then write what he did to be an excellent lawyer. This is actually a hypothetical example, however, you are saying you actually know the man but in reality you don't; you are just making that up.
By doing this your writing will be more focused and coherent. Moreover your word count will increase... hope i have made myself clear.
wish you all the best
In my opinion, I disagree with the ideas expressed above
Don't start your essay like that. Restate the question in your essay. However, before restating your question you have to write a hook. A hook is nothing but some general statement of your essay. I mean write something in general about the topic. By the way, hook should not be more than 2 sentences; otherwise your intro will be too long. in brief your intro should contain a hook then restatement of the question then your opinion; total 4 sentences. This way you can develop a nice short intro. :)
First of all, it is only in universities could young people learn professional knowledge, which is the cornerstone of their successful career.
This sentence is not right. i don't know what are you trying to say. most probably you tried to say: "first of all, university is the only place where young people can learn professional knowledge and this knowledge will help them to pursue a successful career." still not sure whether i get that right. :P. anyway you should write it clearly and properly.
For example, if a student wants to be an excellent lawyer,
Don't use hypothetical example in this way. Try to put a specific example. Write you know a lawyer who is excellent in his job, and then write what he did to be an excellent lawyer. This is actually a hypothetical example, however, you are saying you actually know the man but in reality you don't; you are just making that up.
By doing this your writing will be more focused and coherent. Moreover your word count will increase... hope i have made myself clear.
wish you all the best
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Solving the issues of growing traffic and pollution - Increase petrol price? [6]
this is not a proper sentence, it became a fragment. it will be better if you write this way; "first and foremost solution is, establish a strong network of public transport in the country."
This sentence is not clear. May be you tried to say, "government is responsible to make a twenty four hours transportation system so that people can access the public transport when ever they want." if so, then why did you use 'however' in the middle of the sentence. 'However' indicates a contradiction between 2 ideas or instead of 'but' we can use 'however'.
you should write how media can play a role
your essay does not contain any specific example to support your solutions. i think it will be better for you, if you focus on one solution and provide a specific example for that solution. Don't try to put the whole picture in your essay, it's not possible to write about all solutions with specific examples in just 30 minutes. it will be better if you give one solution with specific example in one para, then another reason with another example in the next para. My point is one para with one solution and a supporting example. So if it is a 3 para essay then there will be 3 solutions with 3 supporting examples. This will make your writing comfortable, coherent and easy to follow.
don't use number such as firstly secondly to mention your solutions. it's so cliche. Better if you use 'main solution' for 1st solution, then, 'another solution' for the second and last one or lastly for the 3rd or last solution (which you did in your last body para). hope i have made myself clear.
wish you all the best
First and foremost, establish the strong network of public transport in the country
this is not a proper sentence, it became a fragment. it will be better if you write this way; "first and foremost solution is, establish a strong network of public transport in the country."
It is the responsibility of government, however, to move anywhere in the town, transport must be available at any time within twenty four hours.
This sentence is not clear. May be you tried to say, "government is responsible to make a twenty four hours transportation system so that people can access the public transport when ever they want." if so, then why did you use 'however' in the middle of the sentence. 'However' indicates a contradiction between 2 ideas or instead of 'but' we can use 'however'.
Government should educate people through media and advertisements. Media is becoming popular, nowadays, it must play vital role in the society to realize how to control pollution.
you should write how media can play a role
your essay does not contain any specific example to support your solutions. i think it will be better for you, if you focus on one solution and provide a specific example for that solution. Don't try to put the whole picture in your essay, it's not possible to write about all solutions with specific examples in just 30 minutes. it will be better if you give one solution with specific example in one para, then another reason with another example in the next para. My point is one para with one solution and a supporting example. So if it is a 3 para essay then there will be 3 solutions with 3 supporting examples. This will make your writing comfortable, coherent and easy to follow.
don't use number such as firstly secondly to mention your solutions. it's so cliche. Better if you use 'main solution' for 1st solution, then, 'another solution' for the second and last one or lastly for the 3rd or last solution (which you did in your last body para). hope i have made myself clear.
wish you all the best
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]
pahan,
if any of my comments was harsh to you, i am apologizing for that. i always appreciate criticism. I m not posting my writing here to get applaud on it. I believe that, criticism is my friend now not appreciation. i also believe criticism will help me to improve further. i had a confusion and i asked about it. that's all. hope you will understand
anyway, i got the point. As i said earlier, if question contains ambiguity we should stay on the safe side... :)
dumi,
i am trying; trying my best... :)
pahan,
if any of my comments was harsh to you, i am apologizing for that. i always appreciate criticism. I m not posting my writing here to get applaud on it. I believe that, criticism is my friend now not appreciation. i also believe criticism will help me to improve further. i had a confusion and i asked about it. that's all. hope you will understand
anyway, i got the point. As i said earlier, if question contains ambiguity we should stay on the safe side... :)
dumi,
i am trying; trying my best... :)
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]
thank you dumi for those wonderful suggestions. i am trying to give my best while i am writing. From our previous conversation you already know that i am facing time management problem, therefore, i am focusing on time management more and more. in this regard, i tried to keep my writing on a strict timing. However, i failed again :P. But best part is i am improving, this time it took 35 minutes to write and edit. :D Nevertheless, to do so, i had to minimize my time on the editing part. May be you have noticed, my word count has reduced. By the way, even i am not fully satisfy with my word choice and sentence structure of this essay... :(
apart for all those thing, i am an optimist and always hope for the best. i hope i will succeed on this time battle in near future and will write a good essay on time. :)
by the way, you are always welcome to write this kind of constructive criticism. :)
thank you dumi for those wonderful suggestions. i am trying to give my best while i am writing. From our previous conversation you already know that i am facing time management problem, therefore, i am focusing on time management more and more. in this regard, i tried to keep my writing on a strict timing. However, i failed again :P. But best part is i am improving, this time it took 35 minutes to write and edit. :D Nevertheless, to do so, i had to minimize my time on the editing part. May be you have noticed, my word count has reduced. By the way, even i am not fully satisfy with my word choice and sentence structure of this essay... :(
apart for all those thing, i am an optimist and always hope for the best. i hope i will succeed on this time battle in near future and will write a good essay on time. :)
by the way, you are always welcome to write this kind of constructive criticism. :)
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should government spend money on highways or public transportation? [4]
about speaking section i m also in perplex. i could not find any suitable site to practice speaking where people will provide comments on my speaking; like this site. However, i am practicing on my own. I record what i say in my phone and listen to it. If it seems to me that there are some mistakes in my speech i take the task again. This is the way i m following now. by the way u can follow notefull free tutorial from youtube. they have some formats on speaking section which i think will be very helpful for anyone. :)
last but not least, please inform me if u find any site or blog where i can practice speaking, it will be very helpful. please do this on any of my writing otherwise it will be heard for me to get the message. :)
wish u all the best :)
about speaking section i m also in perplex. i could not find any suitable site to practice speaking where people will provide comments on my speaking; like this site. However, i am practicing on my own. I record what i say in my phone and listen to it. If it seems to me that there are some mistakes in my speech i take the task again. This is the way i m following now. by the way u can follow notefull free tutorial from youtube. they have some formats on speaking section which i think will be very helpful for anyone. :)
last but not least, please inform me if u find any site or blog where i can practice speaking, it will be very helpful. please do this on any of my writing otherwise it will be heard for me to get the message. :)
wish u all the best :)
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]
Question: Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy - computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation.
Answer:
As technology advances capability of computer has also improved. Now, most probably the widely used electronics device in the world is computer and it's not because for its low cost but also for its diverse usages. If my school has money to purchase either computer or books i will definitely suggest to buy the computer and this is for two reasons.
The main reason is we can now read different books in computer. At present, we have different word processing software as well as reading software. With the help of those software we can easily read any book. For example, last year I was looking for a biology book for my homework. However, I did not buy that at the beginning of the year, as my teacher did not focus on that particular book. Anyway, at the end of the year, he gave us an assignment from that particular book and he gave us only 2 days to submit that assignment. As the bookstores were far from my home and i had other course work to do, therefore, it was not feasible for me to go to the bookstores and buy my book. I took help of computer and internet, from internet i downloaded the book and finished my assignment on time. As you can see, buying new computer will be more helpful to the student than buying new books for library.
The another reason is we can use computer for many other purpose beside reading. A book only talk about on one thing, however, computer can teach us different things. For instance, l learned Java - a popular computer programming language, last year with the help of computer. There are many books on Java in the market, however, without practicing the code you will not have a good understanding of that subject. And to do your practice you need a computer where java is install. Moreover, we can learn java without books. I learned Java programming without any help of book. There are lots of tutorials on java in internet. I watched them and practiced in my computer and that's it. I learned java in one month. This experience taught me that we can use computer as a replacement of books.
In sum, some people will oppose the idea, buying new computer instead of books. However, I believe with the help of computer we can read the books and can do many other things, so it will be a better option for us to buy new computer than books.
Question: Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy - computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation.
Answer:
As technology advances capability of computer has also improved. Now, most probably the widely used electronics device in the world is computer and it's not because for its low cost but also for its diverse usages. If my school has money to purchase either computer or books i will definitely suggest to buy the computer and this is for two reasons.
The main reason is we can now read different books in computer. At present, we have different word processing software as well as reading software. With the help of those software we can easily read any book. For example, last year I was looking for a biology book for my homework. However, I did not buy that at the beginning of the year, as my teacher did not focus on that particular book. Anyway, at the end of the year, he gave us an assignment from that particular book and he gave us only 2 days to submit that assignment. As the bookstores were far from my home and i had other course work to do, therefore, it was not feasible for me to go to the bookstores and buy my book. I took help of computer and internet, from internet i downloaded the book and finished my assignment on time. As you can see, buying new computer will be more helpful to the student than buying new books for library.
The another reason is we can use computer for many other purpose beside reading. A book only talk about on one thing, however, computer can teach us different things. For instance, l learned Java - a popular computer programming language, last year with the help of computer. There are many books on Java in the market, however, without practicing the code you will not have a good understanding of that subject. And to do your practice you need a computer where java is install. Moreover, we can learn java without books. I learned Java programming without any help of book. There are lots of tutorials on java in internet. I watched them and practiced in my computer and that's it. I learned java in one month. This experience taught me that we can use computer as a replacement of books.
In sum, some people will oppose the idea, buying new computer instead of books. However, I believe with the help of computer we can read the books and can do many other things, so it will be a better option for us to buy new computer than books.
jon_snow
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should government spend money on highways or public transportation? [4]
Don't start your essay by restating the question. Start with a hook, i mean write something general. However hook should not be more than 2 sentences. Then, restate your question and opinion. This should be your intro.
Don't make another para for stating your opinion. Write it in your intro.
Use specific reason to support your body para. This will help you to increase your word count and to write more coherently and comfortably.
Don't start your essay by restating the question. Start with a hook, i mean write something general. However hook should not be more than 2 sentences. Then, restate your question and opinion. This should be your intro.
Both point of views are respectable and have acceptable motives. In my opinion,
i prefer spending money on public transportation for the next reasons.
i prefer spending money on public transportation for the next reasons.
Don't make another para for stating your opinion. Write it in your intro.
Use specific reason to support your body para. This will help you to increase your word count and to write more coherently and comfortably.
jon_snow
Mar 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE Government should not found any scientific research whose consequences are uncle [2]
excellent writing... coherent, easy to follow, clearly expressed opinion in intro and good supporting body paragraph, your word count is good around 450. keep it up.
By the way, have you managed to do this within 30 minutes? if so then no worries. :)
excellent writing... coherent, easy to follow, clearly expressed opinion in intro and good supporting body paragraph, your word count is good around 450. keep it up.
By the way, have you managed to do this within 30 minutes? if so then no worries. :)
jon_snow
Mar 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]
pahan,
i think that is not true entirely. In USA people say business school, engineering school even graduate school and they use it in official purpose. Only us, people from this side of the world notify different level of education with different names. As question contains ambiguity, can we use it to our advantage???
anyway, i understand your point, as it contains ambiguity we should stay on the safe side... :)
thank you for mentioning the second point. i did not notice that earlier...
dumi,
yep, i hope so... :)
by the way, don't you think i followed almost the same strategy that you suggested above? if any thing is missing or anything is redundant, please let me know. :)
pahan,
i think that is not true entirely. In USA people say business school, engineering school even graduate school and they use it in official purpose. Only us, people from this side of the world notify different level of education with different names. As question contains ambiguity, can we use it to our advantage???
anyway, i understand your point, as it contains ambiguity we should stay on the safe side... :)
thank you for mentioning the second point. i did not notice that earlier...
dumi,
yep, i hope so... :)
by the way, don't you think i followed almost the same strategy that you suggested above? if any thing is missing or anything is redundant, please let me know. :)
jon_snow
Mar 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - teach every young person how to be a good parent [4]
Don't use 'in addition" at the beginning of your 1st body para. by doing so, it seems like, your 1st para is not an intro rather another body para. It will be better if you use those linking words in second or third body para.
use 'moreover', 'furthermore', 'in addition' instead of 'on one hand'. why do you go for jargon when you have better options with familiar words? May be you tried to make a contradiction between your 3rd and 4th para. however, using 'on one hand' and 'on the other hand' is not the only way to show contradiction.
Last but not least, revise at least once before posting your essay, i believe you can easily eliminate most of your silly mistakes. There are some problems of this kind in your third para.
wish you all the best on your ielts.. :)
Every young male or female should know more about the parenting before having children
Don't use 'in addition" at the beginning of your 1st body para. by doing so, it seems like, your 1st para is not an intro rather another body para. It will be better if you use those linking words in second or third body para.
Every woman or men can be a father or mother but the problem is what kind of father or mother they will be .
use 'moreover', 'furthermore', 'in addition' instead of 'on one hand'. why do you go for jargon when you have better options with familiar words? May be you tried to make a contradiction between your 3rd and 4th para. however, using 'on one hand' and 'on the other hand' is not the only way to show contradiction.
Last but not least, revise at least once before posting your essay, i believe you can easily eliminate most of your silly mistakes. There are some problems of this kind in your third para.
wish you all the best on your ielts.. :)
jon_snow
Mar 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]
i am facing serious problem on time management. This whole writing and editing process took around 40-45 minutes. :'( Some of you have suggested me to reduce the content in the writing. However, i feel that if I reduce the content from my body paragraph it makes the whole thing vague. In other words, i can't express my thought clearly... please give me some suggestion on that. anyway, here is my new essay, feel free to comment.
Question: When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.
Answer:
School is the most important place for our academic life. This is where we learn new things and prepare ourselves for a successful life. When students move to a new school, sometimes they face problems with lot of things such as language, making new friends, weather of the campus etc. I think school can help new students by several ways. Here I will discuss about two of them that i have faced in my life.
The main way that school can help new students is, providing sufficient information about the campus. When new students arrive in their new school, they have no idea about the campus of that particular school. They have no idea about the placement of several important places such as canteen, library, academic building, teacher's room, common room, play ground etc. School can provide some books or can arrange a guide for their new students by which students can get familiar with the campus. For example, last year, I enrolled at a new school outside of my city. When I got the admission package; in the package, it contained a book provided by the school where the map of whole campus was given. Therefore, before reaching there I had an idea about the placement of different building of the campus. Furthermore, when I reached there, there was a guide for the new students and he guided me to my dorm. This made my arrival easy and hassle free. As you can see, with the help of book and guide school can help new students.
Another way is school can provide a counseling group or office where new students can share their problems. By doing so, authority can know about the ongoing problems of new students and can take proper actions to eliminate those problems. For instance, when I moved to the new school last year and as i mentioned earlier it was outside of my city, therefore, i had to stay out of my family and home. As I never been without my family, it was a bitter experience at first. I was homesick and could not concentrate on my study. Then, I heard about the counseling office from one of my seniors and I went there to share my problem. The counselor was really helpful, he heard my problem with deep attention and suggested me to talk to my parent every night over phone. He told me that, the problem of mine is a temporary thing. He also told me that, when I will finish my study and be a successful person I could spend more time with my family. Moreover, He suggested me to make new friends in the school to reduce my homesickness. The conversation helped me to recover from my homesickness. This experience taught me that, school can help new students with better counseling.
In sum, school can help new students various way. However, I think providing sufficient information about the campus and proper counseling is the most important among others. Every school should implement those to help new students.
i am facing serious problem on time management. This whole writing and editing process took around 40-45 minutes. :'( Some of you have suggested me to reduce the content in the writing. However, i feel that if I reduce the content from my body paragraph it makes the whole thing vague. In other words, i can't express my thought clearly... please give me some suggestion on that. anyway, here is my new essay, feel free to comment.
Question: When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.
Answer:
School is the most important place for our academic life. This is where we learn new things and prepare ourselves for a successful life. When students move to a new school, sometimes they face problems with lot of things such as language, making new friends, weather of the campus etc. I think school can help new students by several ways. Here I will discuss about two of them that i have faced in my life.
The main way that school can help new students is, providing sufficient information about the campus. When new students arrive in their new school, they have no idea about the campus of that particular school. They have no idea about the placement of several important places such as canteen, library, academic building, teacher's room, common room, play ground etc. School can provide some books or can arrange a guide for their new students by which students can get familiar with the campus. For example, last year, I enrolled at a new school outside of my city. When I got the admission package; in the package, it contained a book provided by the school where the map of whole campus was given. Therefore, before reaching there I had an idea about the placement of different building of the campus. Furthermore, when I reached there, there was a guide for the new students and he guided me to my dorm. This made my arrival easy and hassle free. As you can see, with the help of book and guide school can help new students.
Another way is school can provide a counseling group or office where new students can share their problems. By doing so, authority can know about the ongoing problems of new students and can take proper actions to eliminate those problems. For instance, when I moved to the new school last year and as i mentioned earlier it was outside of my city, therefore, i had to stay out of my family and home. As I never been without my family, it was a bitter experience at first. I was homesick and could not concentrate on my study. Then, I heard about the counseling office from one of my seniors and I went there to share my problem. The counselor was really helpful, he heard my problem with deep attention and suggested me to talk to my parent every night over phone. He told me that, the problem of mine is a temporary thing. He also told me that, when I will finish my study and be a successful person I could spend more time with my family. Moreover, He suggested me to make new friends in the school to reduce my homesickness. The conversation helped me to recover from my homesickness. This experience taught me that, school can help new students with better counseling.
In sum, school can help new students various way. However, I think providing sufficient information about the campus and proper counseling is the most important among others. Every school should implement those to help new students.
jon_snow
Mar 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS, LIFE WILL BE BETTER IN THE FUTURE OR NOT [5]
It is not the best way to start your intro by just restating the question. Write something in general at first. In this case, write something about the future. For example, "Future is unpredictable, as we don't know what is waiting for us. However, we always hope for the best."
By the way, this is just a silly example. :P But, my point is write something general. After saying something general then restate the question and your opinion.
in your writing you did not give any example. By providing relevant example, it will increase your word count and you can express your position more clearly.
wish you all the best on your ielts
It is not the best way to start your intro by just restating the question. Write something in general at first. In this case, write something about the future. For example, "Future is unpredictable, as we don't know what is waiting for us. However, we always hope for the best."
By the way, this is just a silly example. :P But, my point is write something general. After saying something general then restate the question and your opinion.
in your writing you did not give any example. By providing relevant example, it will increase your word count and you can express your position more clearly.
wish you all the best on your ielts
jon_snow
Mar 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL- People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities [7]
I think you put too much information in just one sentence, which makes your writing hard to follow. I suggest you to try to write a single idea or message in a single sentence and use linking words to connect multiple ideas/sentences. This will give reader a better understanding of your writing, at the same time, you can deliver your idea more clearly and comfortably. However, I am not saying that remove all complex sentences from your writing. If you do so, it will make it childish. But try to use simple sentence more. By the way, your reasons were good. However, it would be better if you state your reasons at the beginning of your body paragraphs. This will make your writing more coherent and reader can easily identify the main idea of your paragraph.
we generally use simple form of verb after 'to'. For example, to read, to play etc.
wish you all the best.
I think you put too much information in just one sentence, which makes your writing hard to follow. I suggest you to try to write a single idea or message in a single sentence and use linking words to connect multiple ideas/sentences. This will give reader a better understanding of your writing, at the same time, you can deliver your idea more clearly and comfortably. However, I am not saying that remove all complex sentences from your writing. If you do so, it will make it childish. But try to use simple sentence more. By the way, your reasons were good. However, it would be better if you state your reasons at the beginning of your body paragraphs. This will make your writing more coherent and reader can easily identify the main idea of your paragraph.
After work, they like to reading read books about history and society, but not medicine or biology.
we generally use simple form of verb after 'to'. For example, to read, to play etc.
wish you all the best.
jon_snow
Mar 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: With the help of technology student can learn more information [4]
First of all thank you for your quick and informative reply. I honestly never thought I will get response this quickly. :)
well, I did not use timer when I wrote this essay. however, I strongly believe it took more than 30 minutes. I guess, it took 35-45 minutes to write the draft and another 5-10 minutes for revision and editing purpose. So, as you said, time management is the main barrier for me right now and I am working on it. Nevertheless, I read my essay again and found that some sentences are not that important here. For example, from 1st body paragraph
;
and from 2nd body para
are not that much important. If I delete those i think it will not hurt my essay. However, my strategy is, write perfectly what I think while I am writing. And after writing generally I make require modifications. I believe most of us write and modify in this fashion. But for toefl, I think I have to change my strategy otherwise time management will remain just a dream. :(
By the way, my exam is next month and I have plan to write one essay everyday. So I hope I can reduce time gradually. Moreover, I also hope that you guys will check my writing, at the same time help me to identify my mistakes so that I can improve further.
Thanks once again to both of you.
First of all thank you for your quick and informative reply. I honestly never thought I will get response this quickly. :)
well, I did not use timer when I wrote this essay. however, I strongly believe it took more than 30 minutes. I guess, it took 35-45 minutes to write the draft and another 5-10 minutes for revision and editing purpose. So, as you said, time management is the main barrier for me right now and I am working on it. Nevertheless, I read my essay again and found that some sentences are not that important here. For example, from 1st body paragraph
With the help of internet, we can learn about anything through few mouse clicks of our computer.
;
I searched again in Google to find Youtube links and it gave me the exact link of learning java from Youtube.
and from 2nd body para
As science and technology advances, we are getting more and more advance devices and features.
are not that much important. If I delete those i think it will not hurt my essay. However, my strategy is, write perfectly what I think while I am writing. And after writing generally I make require modifications. I believe most of us write and modify in this fashion. But for toefl, I think I have to change my strategy otherwise time management will remain just a dream. :(
By the way, my exam is next month and I have plan to write one essay everyday. So I hope I can reduce time gradually. Moreover, I also hope that you guys will check my writing, at the same time help me to identify my mistakes so that I can improve further.
Thanks once again to both of you.
jon_snow
Mar 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: With the help of technology student can learn more information [4]
Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? With the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Answer:
Nowadays, technology is an important part of our life. We cannot even think a single day without technology. However, some people believe that technology helps students to learn more information in a short time and other think the opposite. In my view, technology makes it possible to learn about different things and get more information quicker than ever for two reasons.
The main reason is that, technology has made it easy to learn different things. Nowadays, information is very handy to everyone than it was 50 years earlier. With the help of internet, we can learn about anything through few mouse clicks of our computer. For example, last month I have learned 'Java', a well-known programming language, through Youtube videos. When I thought myself how to program in java, I took help of Google. I searched 'learn java' in Google search box and it gave me lot of options where I can learn it. I browsed some websites and learned Youtube is the best source to learn Java quickly. I searched again in Google to find Youtube links and it gave me the exact link of learning java from Youtube. On Youtube, I found a huge number of tutorials and those tutorials were made by a person name Bukey. In the first tutorial, he taught how to install the require software and some basic thing about java. As the tutorial processed I gradually learned how to program in java. As you can see, without the help of advance technology my java learning could never been as easy.
Another reason is that, technology has made learning almost free of cost. As science and technology advances, we are getting more and more advance devices and features. Now, almost all information is open to access for everyone and it is free; you just need to pay for your internet connection but not for the information. For instance, last week I had an appointment with my boss outside of my city. As I did not go there ever in my life, i had no clue about the place except the address that my boss gave to me. Therefore, I took help of Google Map, an application made by Google. I put the address that my boss gave me in Google Map and bingo. I found the exact direction from my home to that particular place. This whole process took at best 5 seconds and most important thing to mention here, it was free of cost. If I did not have that technology, i had to face more problems and there was a possibility that I had to miss that appointment. This experience taught me that, technology helps us to get information more easily and quickly.
In sum, though many people will disagree with the idea that technology helps us to learn more and more, however, I believe technology has made a big difference in learning. This is not only because technology has made it easy to access information; it also makes the information free of cost. Everyone should learn how to use technology if he/she wants to learn different things more quickly and easily.
Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? With the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Answer:
Nowadays, technology is an important part of our life. We cannot even think a single day without technology. However, some people believe that technology helps students to learn more information in a short time and other think the opposite. In my view, technology makes it possible to learn about different things and get more information quicker than ever for two reasons.
The main reason is that, technology has made it easy to learn different things. Nowadays, information is very handy to everyone than it was 50 years earlier. With the help of internet, we can learn about anything through few mouse clicks of our computer. For example, last month I have learned 'Java', a well-known programming language, through Youtube videos. When I thought myself how to program in java, I took help of Google. I searched 'learn java' in Google search box and it gave me lot of options where I can learn it. I browsed some websites and learned Youtube is the best source to learn Java quickly. I searched again in Google to find Youtube links and it gave me the exact link of learning java from Youtube. On Youtube, I found a huge number of tutorials and those tutorials were made by a person name Bukey. In the first tutorial, he taught how to install the require software and some basic thing about java. As the tutorial processed I gradually learned how to program in java. As you can see, without the help of advance technology my java learning could never been as easy.
Another reason is that, technology has made learning almost free of cost. As science and technology advances, we are getting more and more advance devices and features. Now, almost all information is open to access for everyone and it is free; you just need to pay for your internet connection but not for the information. For instance, last week I had an appointment with my boss outside of my city. As I did not go there ever in my life, i had no clue about the place except the address that my boss gave to me. Therefore, I took help of Google Map, an application made by Google. I put the address that my boss gave me in Google Map and bingo. I found the exact direction from my home to that particular place. This whole process took at best 5 seconds and most important thing to mention here, it was free of cost. If I did not have that technology, i had to face more problems and there was a possibility that I had to miss that appointment. This experience taught me that, technology helps us to get information more easily and quickly.
In sum, though many people will disagree with the idea that technology helps us to learn more and more, however, I believe technology has made a big difference in learning. This is not only because technology has made it easy to access information; it also makes the information free of cost. Everyone should learn how to use technology if he/she wants to learn different things more quickly and easily.