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Posts by kibz95
Name: Kim KiBin
Joined: Jan 18, 2015
Last Post: May 1, 2015
Threads: 16
Posts: 53  
Likes: 15
From: South Korea
School: BIHS

Displayed posts: 69 / page 1 of 2
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kibz95   
May 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: A/G It is better to do work by machine than by hand. [4]

Heyyy Ahmad, it's been while. How have you been? Thanks for the time to take a look at my essay, I hope I could do the same to you every now and then.

First and foremost, the industrial revolution sentences are merely hook sentences and/or background information for the readers to have a taste of the differences between how the world operated manually by hand and then by machine.

I must admit, the background information does seem to drag... also my thesis is incredibly weak. I also admit this part,

and people no longer had to learn a great deal of knowledge to work on a specific field.

is really unnecessary even if it is part of how the industrial revolution changed the world. How's this for the hook?

Machines proves to be much more optimal in working than by hand because it surpasses manual labor in speed, accuracy, and quantity.
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: A/G It is better to do work by machine than by hand. [4]

Hello everyone, i have a toefl essay which I would be delighted if you give the time to read and comment whatever you think about it! Thanks in advance. I hope you have fun reading.

The industrial revolution is one of the greatest revolution that altered the course of mankind. Machines began replacing manual labor efficiently and effectively, allowing man to reach further than anyone had dreamed or hoped. Work and labor never became an obstacle anymore, and people no longer had to learn a great deal of knowledge to work on a specific field. Thus, it is better to do work by machine than by working manually.

The invention of the machine was indeed a great invention. Possessing the capability to perfectly operate in a fixed timing and pace, the machine became the ideal gadget in factories, replacing impassionate workers who often failed to meet their quotas.

...
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Is It Worth for Sport Players to Earn Great Deal More Money than People in Other Profession? [3]

Hello Stacy.
I had a pleasant time reading your essay. Thank you for you efforts~
Your essay is very well organized and fluent. There are hardly any grammar mistakes, your usage of vocabulary is average, it is neat. A good man's job.

Nevertheless, your 1st body is a little strange to me. The title said 'Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions'

Important professions. Your first body is supposed to state that sports athletes should not get paid more than important people because their occupation isn't as important as theirs.

And yes, your example of a teacher gaining less income than athletes is a valid point but there was nothing stated about how it was unfair that teachers are paid less despite having a more important job. The way you described,

As a result, people think that it is unfair as teachers spend all day for teaching, preparing teaching material, and preparing questions for quizes,

isn't really part of the argument, the title. Instead if you said, something like,
Moreover, people think it is unjustified as teachers, whose occupation is far more crucial than a sports star's are getting less paid.
Or something like that.
Other than that, I don't see another problem in your essay.
Hope this helps! I would also appreciate it if you took a look at my essays as well~ Thanks!
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Essays / The most UNFORGETABLE experience occured when you're at primary school~ [5]

Advantages of moving school huh...
Being forced to move overseas when I was 5 and then again forced to come back during my teenage years, I have a lot of personal... things I could tell about moving schools.

Sadly, most of them are bad... It's not easy moving environments no matter how smart, good-looking, or talented you are. It takes time and patience for you to accept this new place and for the new place to accept you. In fact, the bad points of moving schools are probably twice as much as the good points.

BUT, I'll admit there are various benefits in moving schools.
1. Do things differently you used to. Basically a new start, be what you wanted to be as long as you have the determination and ability to do so.

2. Your circle of friends greatly increases. That's an obvious one, you're in a different place, of course you'll meet more people. In a way, your facebook friends and twitter followers might increase... so benefit, yeah?

3. More connection with teachers. This is really similar to number two, but the feeling is different whenever you talk to them. For me personally, I wanted to learn about US college when I returned in my home country but none of the teachers here know anything about US college so I had connections for advice which really helped.

4. You can make up wacky stories without proof. This is a fact. I used it myself. If people are from a different place, others wish to listen what you did, what it felt, and the events you had or participated in that place. Without anybody really knowing what happened, you can just make up stories to humor them or intrigue them. But really, no obvious lies that people can find out. Simple minor details just to spice stories up.

5. If you moved schools overseas, especially schools where the language is different, you can impress others or attend special programs regarding that language to score additional points in your application for college.

Hope this helps. I would appreciate it if you'd take a look at my essays~ Thanks~
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / University students should be mandated to classes - it improves their grades and disciplines them [NEW]

Thank you in advance, I hope you have a pleasant time reading this and by all means, say anything you wish~

Many high school students are excited when they graduate because they believe they have achieved freedom as they attend college. They feel they aren't obligated to attend classes and believe they have complete control over their time. This may cause students' grades to plummet which in turn could devastate their future. Thus, authorities should mandate students' classes as a requirement.

The university may be an institution where high school graduates are able to roam free to experience the life they deserve, but it is also an institution that continues to educate students. University students are still amateurs of society which is why universities should continue to regulate them in education to protect students from harming their own future. By mandating classes, universities are able to steady students' grades and credits which would be incredibly essential in the future when job searching or asking for a recommendation. Students impressive grades and perfect attendance might attract the eyes of prominent figures or even compel their teachers to recommend them to other advanced workforce. In turn, their future would be secure and the university would have done its job perfectly. A prime example would be my elder brother who attended a university that required complete attendance every day. Initially, he complained and envied his friends who roamed free without any regulation but when he was appointed by a CEO of a well-known company, he felt grateful for the legislation in his university. He remembered how his other friends had a tough time applying for jobs due to their flawed attendance and low grades. As one can see, requiring students to attend classes are extremely beneficial and essential when joining society after graduation.

On the contrary, if schools do not regulate students' attendance, their grades will drop immensely and endanger the future possibilities and probabilities for a satisfactory future. True, going to universities is an exciting time, being exposed to alcohol for the first time, going on road trips with friends, and even finding one's true love are all joyous moments one can experience during college. Nevertheless, universities are most essential in leading students into the high classes in society. Many people apply to universities so they can escape poverty or move up to the capitol to have a luxurious life, not to simply drink beer and hang out. In order to maintain this purpose, schools should mandate students' attendance in classes. This will prevent students from drinking all night or spending on their pastime for there are classes they must attend the next day. In fact, my friend spent too much time drinking and flirting with girls that he always failed to make it in class. Obviously, his grades slowly descended and eventually he failed an exam. His teacher, determined to rectify his life style, pressured him to make it in to class on time by specially setting a rule exclusive for him. Weighed by the personal law created just for him, he began a healthier lifestyle and in the end he graduated with a position at a prominent science lab. For these reasons, I strongly assert university students should be required to attend classes.

To summarize, university students should be mandated to classes because it improves their grades and disciplines them to be better people who will contribute positively to society.
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Undergraduate / Nowadays, it cannot be avoided that the number of people gets the weight increase in many countries [3]

Hello Amelia,
I might sound very rude, but your essay is quite... confusing. Befuddling.
First, I would like to commend you for your introduction. You gave a small sentence explaining what and how the problem is affecting us, expressed that there are several problems within the problem we have, and then stated you will discuss and explain counter measures for it.

This is a neat introduction, but my confusion arose in second body...
You stated the in the intro and 1st body, the problems are 1) eating unhealthy diet ---> because people do not have the time to eat/prepare nutritious meals. and 2) malady(?) <malady is a noun... it's not an adjective.> lifestyle/ people not exercising... (you didn't state the reason why people aren't exercising or snacking badly...) and that was good. However, on the 2nd body, the paragraph you are supposed to present the counter measures, you barely stated logical or even plausible measures.

Another way which people should do is consuming the healthy diet. They can choose organic meal to maintain health and they have to reduce or even avoid fast food in their daily lives.

You say this, but you said on the 1st body that they didn't have enough time to eat such nutritious meals in the first place. There was nothing about what you declared as the problem being a problem and your countermeasure was simply, 'just eat healthy food'. There were little reasoning behind your countermeasures which is why I was very confused and unsatisfied reading this essay.

I strongly suggest you plan out your essay with logic and coherency.
Hope this helps.
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Is talent gotten since a person was born? [2]

Hello Amir,
Your arguments, examples, and your personal opinions are quite lacking in this essay. I understand there is nothing really much to be said about scientific genes, but your example's description is really weak. Cyrus is an innately good singer because her father was good a country singing? There are thousands of talented singers who have children who doesn't have any interest or ability in music. If you want to give an example of lineage genetics, say something like the Mozart lineage back in history. His father was a composer, and his son was also a composer.

Also in the third paragraph, there was barely anything about hard work. What did the boxer do to achieve that? How did he overcome his weakness or obstacles. Its hardly inspiring, and to inspire, you need details.

Finally, allow me to state that an essay is a writing about facts, details, and how you view these facts and details. And yet, you only put two sentences explaining your view. This is really dangerous and weak... I highly suggest you create examples from your life where genetics didn't make you who you are now but rather your efforts.

Hope this helps.
kibz95   
Apr 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / The high school students should work because it provides priceless experiences in work and life [3]

Hello Chirstine,
Thank you for your post, being a contributor, I'm sure you are quite busy reading and editing essays left and right...
However, I am discontent with your style of editing... What I want and need is feedback, not an entire new essay wrote by someone else. I really appreciate your effort in making an essay that may be more fitting or advanced suited for the topic, but that isn't the reason why I posted my essay in this site. The reason why I wrote and posted my own essay is so that people can read and discuss how to make it better or criticize what feels off and misplaced. Completely crossing my words and replacing them with yours doesn't make it mine anymore... In fact it's quite disrespectful, and as a young writer, I do have pride and respect for my own writings. If I wanted an example of an essay, I would have just typed the topic of the essay would I have not? Without any explanation why my words are crossed out and was replaced with yours makes little sense. You could at least tell me why you felt compelled to write an entire new essay...

In addition, as a reminder, this is a TOEFL essay... Toefl essays require at minimum 300 words which I highly doubt what you wrote is close to that amount. If you edited my essay, at the very least... know which essay you are writing and which style you have to abide by.

Please do not find my words offensive, I have no animosity towards you, but crossing the writings of a young writer and replacing them with yours without a single explanation or stated reason is intolerable. I highly advice you to explain your reasons behind this action so that we may discuss our perspectives. Thank you.
kibz95   
Apr 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / The high school students should work because it provides priceless experiences in work and life [3]

TOEFL: A/G: It is good for teenagers to have jobs while they are still students.

Feel completely free to say whatever you want!~ Anything would be useful and helpful. Hope you enjoy!

The teenage stage is an essential, if not very sensitive, part of the human growth. By this time, teenagers are somewhat mature enough to know that hard work brings benefits and experience leads to valuable lessons for the preparation of the future. For this reason, I believe it is absolutely positive for teenagers to have part-time jobs as they attend schools in order to have a taste of society and adulthood before they become one.

Teenagers are still in the stage of learning. They realize math is annoying but deep inside, they also learn how essential math is for living and life itself. By having the ability to recognize truth behind their education, they are ready to learn more about adulthood so that they may join society as adults themselves. Having a part-time job is the perfect method to allow them to feel what it means to be an adult. By working with their own two hands and the sweat from their foreheads, they will have the opportunity to experience how it feels to work and earn their rewards for their efforts. Not only will they learn what 'working' really means and feels, they will also have the chance to be part of society. As they work, they will value the connection of friends, people, and family and thus treasure them more. For example, I myself didn't make a lot of friends nor did I work hard when I was in middle school. As I worked during my high school years, I learned that friends are precious beings to talk and share perspectives and how authentic endeavors never bring anything negative. As one can see, working can bring clarity and valuable chances to feel society, which is why I believe high school students would benefit tremendously if they worked before they graduate.

On the other hand, if teenagers do not have the capacity and determination to work, this can take a large toll on their future. Without having any work experience, they would most definitely struggle if they enter the workforce after graduation. Without knowing the ropes, they will have to learn through their mistakes and reprimands from their authorities. This can lead to a very negative first impression to the others which can in turn lead to a dark future where very few would commend their work or recommend them to other more prominent company. In fact, my roommate had a difficult time when he first entered the workforce with no experience whatsoever. He eventually learned, but the blunders he made from his arrival marked him as a slow learner to many authorities. Despite the fact he worked hard after his mistakes, he rarely was congratulated or had his raise quicker than other employees. Society is a cruel place where it doesn't forgive nor forgets. In order to prosper, one must have a clean record and an impressive initial impression on many people. To achieve this, high school students can head start by learning the ropes before fighting the big match to prepare. For these reasons, I believe it is auspicious for high school students to have jobs.

The nascent stage of teenagers must be optimized in order to completely have the advantage of a bright future. To have this advantage, high school students should work because it provides priceless experiences in work and life
kibz95   
Apr 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Essay University of Les Roches Hotel management School, Characteristics of an efficient Manager. [3]

Hello Ms. Andrade,
First, why would you only post part of the essay? Words connect with other words to create sentences which in turn create paragraphs so only providing a portion of an essay doesn't really give much insight or meaning in your words. Without knowing how you wrote in the whole essay, it'll be difficult to fully grasp your writing system and adjust my reading habits to criticize and edit your essay... It is quite regrettable how I won't get to read your whole essay, but allow me to edit the writing you have done so far.

Therefore it is necessary to stablish a clear vision, be resourceful, effective and productive.

Therefore, it is necessary to establish a clear vision, simultaneously being resourceful, effective, and productive.

You need a comma after therefore, stablish isn't a word, and since you have more than two adjectives, it would be more neat to divide and organize how you're presenting them. just saying 'be resourceful, effective, and productive' after a verb is quite odd to read.

We need to put into practice social skills such as costumer service, flexibility and adaptability.

We need to put social skills into practice such as...

State the object of the verb taking affect after the verb.

As in the process of working on your project, you must be capable to inspire and motivate others while learning how to plan, execute and take every opportunity in order to transform your vision into reality.

Being an efficient manager is not just about what you wish to do, but materializing it so it can generate new paradigms where the management skills speak out ensuring the demand of sucess to be highly competitive in a dynamic global field.

You say the word 'you'... Who are you referring to? The essay topic says what is your idea of the characteristics of an efficient manager. Given the fact that you are writing this essay, whoever reads this can definitely state that you want to be an efficient manager. Your usage of 'you' makes it sound you do not want to be an efficient manager but rather someone who is teaching how to be an efficient manager. If you change your 'you' into 'we', you can give the idea that you are enthusiastic about being an efficient manager and would go beyond to accomplish that.

I hope my words helped. Let me know if you have an argument~
kibz95   
Feb 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Pushed by eager mother to enter sports clubs because it builds 'character'. Competition or fun? [2]

Hello everyone, this is a TOEFL essay;
I must admit, the example in the second paragraph is a complete lie;;; I was running out of time and I thought it would work. Let me know if there are better examples suited for the details. Thanks in advance!

Agree or disagree?
Children should play sports for fun rather than for competition.


Have you ever been pushed by your eager mother to enter sports clubs because it builds your 'character'? I was forced to participate in various sports clubs when I was young. Back then, I detested it since I participated without my volition, but now I thank these experiences for teaching me how life is a competition and those who emerge victorious prevails. This is why I disagree with the statement children should play sports for entertainment instead of competing.

Most people think being a child is all fun and games. Although it may seem so on the outside perspective, with deeper thought, every game, action, or pastime children do are all related with a moral or life lesson. Playing sports is one of them. Sports, whether played with team or against a single individual, is a competition that measures player's determination and fervor. Thus, it is no surprise that some players might surpass their limits in order to emerge victorious over their rivals. Such motivation and opportunity to surpass oneself is a priceless feeling that can lead to courage, leadership, and self-confidence. Personally, I played badminton against my older brother when I was young. After several rounds of losing pathetically, I vowed myself that I would one day defeat my brother not because I lost, but because I wanted to show him my passion and determination. Even after weeks of vigorous playing, I was never able to defeat my brother. Nevertheless, he was impressed by my performance and acknowledged me for my effort. This respect in turn, allowed me to respect myself for fighting so furiously. In effect, this experience changed me to give everything I have at whatever I am doing. As anyone can see, playing sports as a competition reveals one's own hidden potential which can lead to self-respect and confidence. This is why I think sports should be played for competing against not merely to have fun.

On the contrary, if sports were played for entertainment rather than for competition, most children will only goof off during practice. Many parents or the coach wouldn't mind, after all, children goof around all the time, but they do not realize the danger of this action. Children mature alongside the experiences they created. The experience of lazing around during practice because they primarily think that sports is for fun could change their entire lives. Most of these aforementioned children would most likely slack off as they grow up. They would think everything in life is a jest, a jocular game that merely entertains just like the sports practices they inertly spent back when they were young. This is disastrous to the society because not only does it produce inefficient employees, but also difficult for leaders or government to lead these people to a better cause. For To provide a personal example, I know a friend who participated in a basketball club who only joined because his best buddies were there as well. Obviously, he joked around and ignored the instructor's orders continuously. Not surprisingly, as he grew up, he ignored his responsibilities and laughed off everything others considered critical and serious. To have a generation full of immature people like him is horrendous for it would completely destroy society as we know it. Therefore, I completely assert that sports should be played for competition.

To summarize, sports should be played for competitions because by doing so enhances confidence and diligence to children who will in turn grow to dependable people which in turn will benefit the society.

(587)
kibz95   
Feb 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

Hmm, I just don't understand why you would put a third paragraph devoted to how universities are the place where young people gather which is why younger leaders are better since they are more attached. I understand the point, but I think its too trivial to be put as a independent paragraph. Why are the universities a likely place to cause a change? because that's where young people reside, right? Which directly leads to ambition and risk taking which these young people posses. I don't think explaining the location of where most social riots started will add up how juvenile leaders are more efficient.

To provide an example, In Korea, there has been a inflated prices over cabbages (the prime ingredient to make our everyday food, kimchi). Well, needless to say, the old women's who prepare the family food rioted like crazy. These women gathered in other's homes and discussed their plans and moves like a top secrete agency. I'm not joking.. this really happened.

What I would like to point out is, old people also have facilities they can gather and relate or as you mentioned, attach to each other. If you want to point out that younger people are more efficient leaders because they have a place to attach, I'm saying you'd get a lot of controversy.
kibz95   
Feb 10, 2015
Undergraduate / Taekwondo has changed my life completely! [2]

Hello Daniel, its nice to see a foreigner so devoted in my countries sport! (Yes, I am Korean) I hope you enjoy tae kwon do for a long time!

In any case, since there's nothing about this essay being a formal essay, I really have nothing to say. your grammar is good, wording and organization isn't that bad as well. The only thing I would like to mention is that your essay is lacking a lot of personal details with is insanely essential to this type of essay, the topic specifically asked for your experience and how the event impacted you. And yet you continue explaining why tae kwon do is good, or what it had done for you but nothing about how it changed you. What were you before you began tae kwon do, how did you change? Was it the sport itself, or was it your teacher? How did you earn respect for yourself? What made you realize you weren't respecting yourself now in hindsight? You see all these questions? These re the answers the essay wants you to answer. Let's be honest, anybody can state what you said even if it is a lie. but real experience, that's difficult to fabricate which is why essays with good personal examples with details are fun and exciting to read. Please take the time to add more details about HOW it changed you.
kibz95   
Feb 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

Hello Ahmad, its been a while since I evaluated essays, I'm back at writing more Toefl essays so I'll be counting on you and vangiespen a lot more so I'll be thanking you in advance!

I like this essay, as a young adult myself, I want changes that could create a better country for the children to live without sacrifices or mistakes caused by the dominant society.

In any case, the introduction is good, but rather confusing. The phrase,

A lion army under leadership of a sheep is defeated by an army of sheep led by a lion.

is pretty neat. However, I would like to point out the topic asked which leaders, young or old, are more effective. The phrase of lion and sheep doesn't fit in. Lions are the symbol of power, courage, and loyalty while sheep are the symbol of foolishness, immaturity, and in short, an animal that needs a shepherd to survive. There is nothing regarded about age, some sheep can be older than lions, and vice versa. I think you should reconsider your hook.

Second, your third paragraph is merely an extra explanation of your second paragraph.

Third, most of the social movements start from universities, where young, educated people are gathered. Such energy of youth must be guided to the right direction by a person who thinks young and understands young people .

That part highlighted in blue is really related to your second point which was about how leaders should be ambitious. you could have put the fact about universities and the example of Hong Kong umbrella riot in the second paragraph, displaying the fervor of juvenile opinion and power.

Otherwise, a splendid essay, well done, let me know if you agree with my statements!
kibz95   
Feb 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / Immigrants shouldn't be responsible for adjusting in their newly adopted country. [2]

Hello Mr. THiet,
I may be too harsh in evaluating this essay, but I hope you don't feel offended and take my strict words as advices.
First, you introduction is too bland. There's no flavor. You say there are several arguments contradicting to your agreement but so far no have stated nothing. When you said "While there are some valid arguments to the contrary," you could have added, "such as advocates to the salad bowl theory," or whatever to further detail your essay. Furthermore, your first paragraph dangerously lack details. You say that the newcomers should observe the conditions and rules of the society they immigrated to, but you didn't say any reason why. No matter how obvious some points may sound, if you do not write them, there is no proof for the readers to see that you truly understand the circumstances of your topic. Although your second paragraph did explain why social balance is important, there's no example to clarify your statement.

Your conclusion is really weak. You restated the topic in a completely different manner. Remember, the topic asked you whether you agree or disagree that immigrants should abandon their old ways to adapt to their new environment. There was nothing about 'controlling immigrants' which means that the numbers of immigrants should be controlled. The conclusion shouldn't even be a part of this essay.

Once again, I apologize if you are offended by my rather frank words, I hope you read my comment as advice.
kibz95   
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Have you ever had the feeling of leaving your own country behind for an exciting adventure overseas? [5]

:"Traveling to other lands can quench the thirst of human beings for exploring unknown things. Different cultures, languages and lifestyles are the things that always attract tourists all around the world"

Wow,.. That sound really sexy and nice :D hahaha I should practice this kind of writing myself to hunt some girls. Thank you for your great example.

you use "on the other hand" when you want to say something in opposite

Hmmm but I am saying something opposing to my first paragraph. I explained about traveling internationally and now I'm talking about the opposite, traveling nationally. Is it still out of place?
kibz95   
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The famous adage 'No pain, no gain' is by far the most logical expression I have ever heard. [4]

Hmmm you may be right vangiespen.. I was precipitous and only imagined the worse case scenario. But in the example of my sister, I was mainly talking about how the consequences of the mistake effects them positively, not the mistake itself. It is deviating from the topic, I agree, but is it really out of place? Thanks for the other tips

Hello Ahmad, thanks for wishing me luck! I guess I sped up and used a rushed hook that isn't really relevant to the topic... I should be aware to take my time tomorrow. Thanks
kibz95   
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Have you ever had the feeling of leaving your own country behind for an exciting adventure overseas? [5]

Hello everyone! Once again, I have a TOEFL essay that could use some comments! Thanks!
I admit this is not my best essays... I might have deviated from the main idea, so let me know how you think about that! Thanks again!

Topic: People can benefit more from traveling around their own countries than traveling to foreign countries. Agree or disagree?

Have you ever felt the feeling of leaving your own country behind for an exciting adventure to a far away country? Sure, it sounds like a childish dream, but for some people this feeling has changed their entire life most often positively. I believe people can benefit more from traveling to foreign countries than traveling around their own countries because traveling broadens one's view of the world and only traveling nationally increases biased and prejudiced knowledge of other countries.

Exploring has always been one of mankind's innate activities. Curiosity haunts our mind just like Pandora with her forbidden box from Greek myths. Excited at the possible wonders of the other side of the world, man begins his journey to seek the answers to his curiosity. Indeed, many people begin traveling because they are curious at what culture, what gourmet, and what language other citizens in foreign countries have. This thought is very healthy for the mind because it allows one to experience the different diversity of what compromises this world. By traveling, one learns that the world does not operate on a single language or culture but different and even bizarre cultures. In turn, this knowledge can allow people to free communicate and accept others without shocking them with their own cultures and customs. Such people are very open-minded, very gregarious, and adaptable to change which open the door to a colorful life full of fun and tranquility. I strongly assert people can benefit more from traveling to foreign countries because they will learn the importance of diversity.

On the other hand, if people only get to travel in their nation, they will have the adverse effect from those who travel internationally. They will not comprehend why foreigners does not follow their own cultures or speak their language. In effect, their minds will turn to prejudice, perceiving others solely through their own perspectives. This is especially dangerous to those who reside in a country where tourism is famous because the meeting of foreigners and biased people can result in a devastating hatred to one another. To illustrate, my cousin have never once left Korea but instead traveled to many historical sites where he learned many facts about Korean history. This is beneficial in its own way, but he suddenly turned anti-Japanese and anti-Chinese for brutally treating Koreans during the course of history. Despite how things have changed considerably since the last war, my cousin refused to trust any Chinese or Japanese because his mind was clouded with only facts of the past. Such hatred is meaningless now that everything's past and gone but nevertheless, his obstinate mind refuses to accept these foreigners. As one can see, traveling only nationally can cause a huge prejudice on a person which is why I claim that people will benefit more from traveling around the world.

To summarize, I think people can benefit more from traveling overseas than traveling in their own countries because doing so teaches a valuable lesson on diversity. Of course, it is necessary to learn about one's own country before anything else, but I also believe that traveling too much and sticking to their country can create a powerful sense of preconception. (532)
kibz95   
Jan 23, 2015
Undergraduate / Everyone has a strength and a weakness - a superpower (mine is perseverance) and a kryptonite [3]

Hello Marissa, your essay has all the requirements of the topic but I would like to tell you that your essay isn't really persuasive. You didn't provide any examples of your personal experience of staying strong and resilient. Add some examples that will prove that you have the guts to endure this program, show them what you have endured to prove your strength.

Hope this helps!
kibz95   
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: People always debate on whether or not children should follow their parents' career paths. [6]

Dear simonexi,
As a TOEFL test taker myself, I have written I lot of essays myself. I don't know how much you are aiming for but I really regret to say that this is a poor essay... ToT... sorry..

First off let's look at your introduction. It's too simple. There's no spark, no urge that makes me want to read this. You begin by saying people debate whether children should follow their parent's career path... This is too blunt and rough. If I were you, I would go like, "Children these days are always influenced by their parents which is why most of them are more likely to follow in their parent's footsteps in work." Provide some background information or something personal about your experiences that could help you in this essay.

The first main point is:

To begin with, being influenced by our parents extrinsically and intrinsically, we are good at our parents' jobs. So we will be more competitive to do the same job and feel a sense of achievement, making us love our jobs even more.

I don't understand this statement... Are we really good at what our parents do because they influence us? And how can we feel a sense of achievement if we completely copy what our parents do? I'm confused by your logic... If you had some specific details and reasons why you think this way, maybe I could understand.

your second paragraph is decent. It isn't good, but maybe more details of how this can benefit both you and your parents.
I apologize if I sound really rude... if you want some examples of how a toefl essay looks, feel free to read mine. I posted a lot of TOEFL essays here. Maybe you can use these as examples for your future writing.
kibz95   
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The famous adage 'No pain, no gain' is by far the most logical expression I have ever heard. [4]

Hello everyone! I have another essay that I am counting on you to revise! Thanks in advance and the past for continuing helping me out! I have my TOEFL exam tomorrow so wish me luck!

I just hope they don't ask personal topics like this... I mean what does this topic really prove? Lolz, I really don't get it

Topic:Agree or disagree: Letting a friend make a mistake is better than taking action that risks destroying a friendship.

The famous adage 'No pain, no gain' is by far the most logical expression I have ever heard. We fall when we try to walk for the first time as toddlers but nevertheless, we always get up and try again continuously. Through this process, we learn how to maintain balance and if we fall again, we avoid the methods that will make us fall. Therefore, I would stand still for my friend to make a mistake because as mentioned before, I believe mistakes teaches better than anything and if I try to intervene, my relationship will be destroyed.

Mistakes are never the enemy. It should never be despised, let alone be ignored, when you live your life. We, as human beings, live our lives making mistakes and compensating for it constantly. We learn why studying is important after failing a test with shame and lament, not because our parents reprimand us irritably from the score. In effect, mistakes force us to face reality and give us another opportunity to take responsibility and perform much better the next time. When I was young, my younger sister had broken a luxurious vase our mother much adored when she was running around the house. She was afraid, dreading the ominous consequence that could result with a slight spank on her bottom, and asked me to take part of the blame so that her consequence will be more lenient. I disagreed not because I didn't want the consequences myself but because the image of my sister not owing up to her mistakes was shameful and disrespectful. I told her I cannot take the blame for her but I promised her that I will comfort her after her punishment. After the uproar of lectures about being careful in the house, my sister thanked me because she would have felt awful for letting me take the blame as well. As anyone can see, mistakes are not to be feared but helpful in creating a stronger self-conscious and respect. Thus, I would let my friend make a mistake without interfering but I would definitely comfort him just like I did to my sister.

On the other hand, if I try to intervene and prevent him from his blunder, not only will our friendship deter, but I will regret doing so. Personally, I treasure my friendship next to my family. Friendship is the bond that links two people as they go on their journey towards life. To lose that link, a trustful friend who will cover your back, will result a discord in my, anyone's life. As a result, I will stray from my path and turn bitter with regret and hatred at myself for destroying that relationship. This reminds me of a book I have read recently about two friends as doctors treating on a severely injured patient. The main character notices a flaw in his friends operation and points out his mistake in front of all the other surgeons. Abashed by his mistake, the friend leaves the hospital and never comes back due to shame and embarrassment. The main character regrets his decision because before he is a doctor, he was his friend and he has jeopardized that relationship. As a person who regards his relationships most precious, I would never risk the destruction of my friendship even if that leads to his shame because I'll be providing support to ameliorate his sadness.

To simplify, I would let a friend make his mistake instead of risking our relationship because I strongly think mistakes teaches the victim important lessons and because I treasure my relationship with my friends. If I were to stop him from making his mistake I would regret it forever until I die. (619)----> I did manage to write a 600 word essay in 30 minutes but I think it's because the topic was very personal so I think the words just flew off my mind. Still let me know if I digressed too much. Thanks again!
kibz95   
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

Hello Ahmad!
Good work writing this essay, it was enjoyable to read but I see a very small mistake...

Posing this educational atmosphere not only familiarizes you with divers industrial environments, but also you can easily recognize in what filed you have talent and probably become successful in your occupational future.

What do you mean by divers? The only definition I know is divers and in Olympic divers... Could you possibly mean engineers who uses various tools? I got confused...

In addition, I think your second paragraph could use more details... Your second paragraph main idea is that students will find more opportunities to learn about their preferences but it's only a three sentence paragraph... Of course, I'm not saying more is always good, but it is lacking details. Maybe you can put in an example of how a student will realize his preferences? It can be simple of course, I'm just saying that paragraph looks lonely without details. ^o^. Hope you find my comments useful!
kibz95   
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The best way to relax and reduce stress is by spending some time alone. [4]

Hello everyone! I have another TOEFL essay that I would like you to comment on if you could! Thanks in advance!
The topic was really private so I had to include a lot of personal information...(which I try best to avoid) but in any case, hope you enjoy my writing and please feel free to say anything you want!

Agree or disagree:
The best way to relax and reduce stress is by spending some time alone.

Have you ever felt running away from everything such as your responsibilities, your friends, or even your family and have some sense of peace? This thought process is often considered to lead to depression and perhaps even suicide, but I believe this thinking is at times necessary when you begin to feel suffocated by your surroundings. In fact, spending some lone time to relax is far more placid and quiet than relaxing with others. Thus, I assert that the best way to relax and reduce stress is by spending some time alone.

Pace is an essential element for people's lives. People live their lives according to their pace and recognizing one's own preference is vital to reduce stress. Pace differs with everyone, some prefer to live recklessly while some just like to spend their time alone slowly like a cat taking a bath of sunlight midday. I fit right along in the latter. Personally, I adore taking long hot baths while listening to classical music because the sensation is wonderfully relaxing. In fact, many Asian medical techniques involve heat and warmth to reduce tension and rigidity so that the patient will be at ease. Therefore, my way of relaxing is healthy at some degree. Often times I would also read a book, especially tragic stories of the genius Shakespeare. His words fill my heart with lament and sadness but also the sense of tranquility because most Shakespeare's plays turn tragic because of the main character's final resolution for their personal beliefs. Reading fictional characters risking everything for their own ideals is an ideal book for me which I enjoy reading. As anyone can see, all of my personal hobbies are private and discreet. Thus, I believe the best way to relax is by spending some time alone.

Nevertheless, there are people who prefer the company of others and the incessant clatter of people chatting in the background. They might ask a friend to meet at a loud bar or a busy pizza shop so they will be distracted by the things tormenting them and smile after a joke. However, is this really a method of reducing stress? Those who smile from temporarily ignoring their issues and stress will eventually sulk and fall back to depression when they come back to face the truth. In fact, the method of being distracted is a suicidal plan because the stress never release. Instead, it compacts and swells, making it more difficult to ignore the massive amount of stress all congregated like an inflated balloon. On the long run, the balloon of stress and anger will explode, completely obliterating one's mental state and causing them to act recklessly without thinking. They will get desperate to discard all this mental weight off and it could lead to the usage of drugs or perhaps even committing suicide. Such measures are inhumane and harmful not just to oneself but to those around them. Ignoring stress temporarily doesn't solve anything, rather it worsens everything which is why I would prefer to reduce stress by spending time alone.

To summarize, whenever I need some fresh air or vacant space during work or studying, I prefer to relax by spending lone time like a drowsy cat under the sun.

I presented the other side but gave a bad opinion of it. I think I wrote this with more ease as well. If the content is okay, then I thank you for giving me a practical advice,
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / Every single man and woman has the freedom to believe what they wish to believe. TOEFL [5]

Hey vangiespen, Thanks for your compliments!
I usually take 1-2 minutes making my outline, very simply. I read the topic and instantly choose a side. I often use one point for why I agree to the topic and one point for why I don't disagree (There is a difference in agreeing and not disagreeing). but if I happen to think of another complete different reason while I'm writing, then I go with that. But that rarely happens.

The introduction is the hardest part. I have to provide a hook which takes like 5 minutes. I'm horrible at writing hooks... It just seems awkward to me and I'm clumsy at it, but as they say, practice makes perfect. :D so I gotta keep trying.

The body is fairy simple, I take around 10 minutes and just state what I think and why I think and provide or create some examples to back me up.

the conclusion is the easiest since I often use a single sentence to wrap things up and since I don't have to apply new content, I take less than a minute to write the conclusion.

As you can see, I really don't have time for revision since I use like 27-28minutes to write my whole essay. But I would like to hear your style as well~
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / Every single man and woman has the freedom to believe what they wish to believe. TOEFL [5]

TOPIC: Agree or disagree; Teachers should not make their social and political views known to students in classroom.
Hello everyone! I have a new essay that I'll be counting on you to check, feel free to comment on it as much as you want! Thanks!

Students are educated so that they may choose what they wish to believe is justice when they have gathered enough knowledge to come up with a conclusion on social or political issues. That said, students should not be fed with highly personal opinions from others about political or social views from other individual for it can completely influence their way of thinking. Therefore, teachers should not make their social and politic views known to students in the classroom.

Every single man and woman has the freedom to believe what they wish to believe. Indeed, after they come to their personal conclusion with their very own details and perspectives, they may freely debate against their opponents. However, students are still learning about society and politics. They are young and inexperienced which is why time and patience are required until they come to their resolution and join society as an adult. If teachers present their students with their conclusions on social and politic issues, there is a possibility that these students will follow the same belief and unable to create their own. In my own ethic classes, our professor has taught all the basic foundations of choosing a side. He taught us that man is free to choose and then he conveyed his own opinions about the world. Knowing how we had a choice to believe what we wanted, some of us claimed that they disagreed with the professor and the heated debate taught us many opinions and knowledge from both the professor's and student's side. After the debate, the professor clapped his hands and congratulated us for becoming young adults. Students are still budding saplings, unsure of what to believe but with time and teaching, they could grow on their own and choose their belief to stand up for.

On the other hand, if teachers are forced to present their ideals to students, a mass propaganda of prejudice will permeate through the juvenile generation. This should be avoided at all costs, since such atmosphere would equal to that of an autocrat country. A generation that believes in a single identical ideal is downright terrifying because it can completely alter the course of a country. History has proved that misused propaganda can result in severe adverse effects. The Nazi is the prime example of a biased organization that believed all Jews should be eradicated. This permeated ideal caused the dominance of other countries and even a world war, destroying the lives of innocent families and justice itself. Indeed, if teachers are able to express their own beliefs, these children could be influenced to view that ideal to be just and cleave to it with all their heart and result with a devastating propaganda. Personally, I was told to despise Japan for exploiting our country ruthlessly during the course of history. However, I chose not to believe such ideal because I have visited Japan before and the people and country weren't despicable as my teacher said. However, my peers who have never been to Japan all began to follow this ideal and as they grew up, the ideal conquered their minds. They are pure anti-Japanese who rebutted heavily on Japan. If this happens to a whole country, another war may break out and cause colossal casualties. Thus, teachers should not make their social and political views known to students in the classroom.

To summarize, teachers should not emphasize their views on social or political issues because students have their own freedom to choose what they wish to believe and a mass propaganda will be prevented.
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Is it better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than just to watch? [5]

Hey Ahmad, Thanks for your comment.
I want to clarify that I used the word 'Although'... meaning that even if the serious movies have great directors and whatnot, I still prefer watching funny movies. Yes, I am describing that serious movies have good actors and are top the charts (which is mostly true... Box office results rarely have comedy movies on no.1.Even if they do, they get taken down way faster than other movies. mostly action movies or mystery movies take the spot.) It is true at this point I am saying that serious movies are good because they have good actors and enjoyed by the majority, but still, I would go for the funny ones. Hope that clears up some confusion in my introduction. Thanks for liking my hook!

As for my body, I did say that I dislike movies that runs for hours with deep dialogue and dark storytelling just to tell a life lesson, but it's not the life lesson part I don't like, it's the deep dialogue and storytelling that I dislike. The reason why I put the example Lion King is to prove that movies don't need dark storytelling to convey a life lesson. in other words, I want to learn about life while laughing and having a good time not being glum and brooding over the lessons from a serious movie.

Let me know what you think now~
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D It is important for families to regularly eat their meals together. [6]

Burki, Really? That's all you are going to offer? I just saw your comment on Ah_Zafari thread. You're not helping at all. There are those who actually read and proofread everyone's essays free of charge and this is how you react to the community? That's downright shameless and rude. You are exploiting the kindness of others just for your own good. Why don't you actually begin giving some helpful information and not just some random words that confuse the writer?
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Undergraduate / Common App essay- tell me if this is INTERESTING OR BORING. Thats all i want... [4]

This is a fine paper for a journal or even for a diary, but this is not an essay. 75% of your essay was about your memories of the game, although it included details, it doesn't persuade or bring out what you feel. If you want to make this writing into an essay, you should lengthen your conclusion. An essay portrays what you feel, or your opinions of a certain topic and you do that mostly on the conclusion. Your story telling was too long. You can use it as a hook for your introduction and use it to compare the peesimistic you from before and the optimistic you after. Hope this helps
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Letters / Garbage is a big global issue nowadays: Discuss on causes and suggest solutions [5]

Hello Ahmad. Yikes... an environment issue essay... My least favorite essay topics... Well let me start with your introduction thesis statement

Thus, this essay is targeting to address the main causes of the matter and suggest some practical solutions, as well as, the roles that industries and ordinary people can play to help raise the issuewill be argued .

You just said in the beginning that this essay will address... so I don't know why you'd put another verb(will be argued) at the end... Also, the sentence formation is really confusing

It should go like this----> Thus, this essay is targeting to address (1.) the main causes of the matter, (2.) some practical solutions, and (3.) the roles industries and public should be assigned to raise the issue.

7000 tons of solid industrial wastes are produced every day that the vast majoritypart of this volume of garbage are buried or discharged in waters,

You should change THAT to AND because you are telling a new phrase with a noun and a verb. The noun being majority and the verb being are buried or discharged.

The vast majority part of this volume of garbage. Very awkward wording if you ask me... Keep it simple, keep it practical. Change to ---> the vast majority of garbage

wild lives

wild lives---> wildlife. (you mean the ecosystem and environment right?)

This is the main reason why in metropolises like Beijing or Tehran the municipal wastes have changed into a big issue.

State your noun and verb before you go too deep into prepositions. ----> This is the main reason why the municipal wastes have changed into a big issue in metropolises like Beijing or Tehran.

turned back to the nature.

Odd wording... If you mean these decomposed elements go back where they came from, words like 'revert' or 'return' might be better.

Second, since

If you want to use this transition, make sure you put the transition 'First' before you use it. Otherwise just use 'the other solution is...'

In my opinion, companies should shoulder the more portions of responsibilities.

An article is unneeded there.

In light of the above-mentioned facts, one can conclude that the roots of the environmental issues originated from solid and liquidwastes can be traced in bad management of garbage and concentration of population in big cities.

you need a determiner between solid and liquid wastes and can. Something simple like 'That' will fit. (Do you see my pun? :D)

If we will to create

----> If we were to create

need to collaborate to decrease

-----> repeated use of 'to' something like 'in order to' will do better.
I see you've done some research... Since I'm really bad at science, I have no idea the quality of this essay so I can't

say anything to that. I hope you find my revisions helpful!
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Undergraduate / 'Competitive girl' - Lacrosse - personal essay / narrative to proofread (it also needs to be longer) [3]

Hello Amber,
It was fun reading your essay because I played a lot of basketball during my high school years, I wasn't really in a club, but it was a type of fun unlike anything else. Reading this makes me want to play basketball again,, but I am busy applying for college and as a result incredibly out of shape.

Since this is a personal essay, I don't think I can criticize about your structure. (Not that your essay's disorganized. It's pretty good) But I guess I can point out a couple grammar mistakes. Take a look and please feel free to comment your thoughts.

My interest in joining the team began when a few friends of mine, who were seniors at the time, encouraged me to play. I figured it would be a fun hobby after school to stay in shape and meet some new people with .

----> no need to put 'with' since the sentence goes like, I figured it would be a fun hobby after school to stay in shape and to meet new people.

So I bought the cheapest stick I could find from Dick's sporting goods, dragged some friends along with me, and showed up at tryouts clueless and eager .

It's an awkward formation... I would put a entire new phrase like, ---- showed up at tryouts being clueless what I am going into but nevertheless eager to accept a new challenge. (something like this)

Also, I think your essay would have a easier flow if you apply more transition words like nevertheless, however, despite, ect...
Overall, very fun essay to read and you used some advanced vocab. Not bad!
kibz95   
Jan 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Is it better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than just to watch? [5]

TOEFL Agree or Disagree: It's better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than to watch movies that are primarily designed to amuse or entertain.

Hello again. This is another TOEFL essay. Take your time reading this! The subject really caught me off guard... If you ever read my other essays, you'd know that I rarely express my own opinions, so this is a new style and I want to know how it is. Any comments are greatly appreciated! Thanks!

The feeling of leaving the theater with your family or friends while laughing at the amusing movie is overwhelmingly cozy and affectionate. The funny jocular movie creates a sense of home, a place where you want to just stay and doze off along with the people you love. Although the serious, profound movies with prominent directors and prestigious actors are top of the charts, I find the lesser, simple, amusing movies to stand out more.

Movies that are too serious are often quite complicated. As a movie fanatic myself, I dislike the feeling of confusion and befuddlement as I leave the stage. A movie is created for entertainment which is why I think I should be leaving the cinema happy and amused. To elaborate, these serious movies are quite difficult to watch because it constantly keeps me thinking and making mental notes to myself on exactly what is going on. Personally, I feel serious movies are like dull lectures trying to teach me a lesson in life but always deviates from the main idea so that I may solve the answer myself. The feeling of being toyed in my mind with circumlocution is not my cup of tea. In fact, some simple amusing movies made for children is actually better at portraying these lessons in life. Take Disney's Lion King for example, a musical movie about a young lion prince going back home. Although this movie may look childish on the outside, the details are very serious and dark. The lion prince's father was murdered and the prince have abandoned his responsibility as prince to lead his people after his father and have ran away, forgetting the tormenting memory of his father's death. The movie taught me not to ignore my responsibilities and to head the truth no matter how grotesque it is. I prefer to watch amusing movies because they depict lessons in life far better than the complicated serious movies.

In addition, trying to watch a serious movie with my family is quite difficult and uncomfortable. I, myself, often go to the cinema with my younger sister and we always regretted watching a serious movie together instead of watching a comical one. The mood is awkward because the movie confused the both of us so we spend the rest of the day trying to figure out exactly what the movie was about in our heads. Even if we tried to talk about it, with varying opinions and perspectives, we never got to reach a satisfactory conclusion. On the other hand, when we watch a jolly movie together, we leave the theater smiling ear to ear and holding hands, skipping away as we laugh at the final joke at the end of the movie. We rehearse the funny moments of the movie and laugh again and again. This feeling of happiness is incredible and I prefer this feeling over the clumsy, damp feeling after a serious movie with all my heart. Since I watch movies with my younger sister all the time, I prefer to spend our day with laughter and smiles from a jovial movie instead of brooding over the complex details of a serious movie.

To summarize, I prefer to watch amusing movies over serious movies because the movie creates a simple charm of presenting serious life lessons through colorful characters and the feeling of ease and happiness with another precious person.

Thanks again!
kibz95   
Jan 21, 2015
Undergraduate / During my childhood, I was raised in a city of Bekasi in Indonesia; review for APU University Essay [3]

Hello Anthony, for you information, the university application administrator have all your records in their file. So you really don't have to recite your entire history. True, some background is necessary but focus less on the details of your past but the feelings, the emotions, the voice inside your heart and mind since those can't be recorded in documents. University don't choose students who are just eager or smart. They choose those who have the ability to convey these feelings into words and expressions. Keep this in mind as you rewrite. Good luck!
kibz95   
Jan 21, 2015
Undergraduate / First generation US-born citizen - Texas [3]

At times, my mother could not afford paying for oil during the winter to heat our showers or even keep the electricity going.

----> my mother could not afford oil during the winter or the electricity bills.

Moving homes was a constant activity, which prevented me from making lasting friends and from (you already have from: no need to repeat) sticking with sports teams or clubs. A profound scar was left on me as well as on my academic life.

---> Describe the scar. Was it a scar of loneness or a scar of anger towards your parents for moving too much? I need details! Also how does lack of friends or sports activity scar your academic life? There are other people who have studied harder BECAUSE they didn't have any friends or sports activity. Explain why your academic life was scarred.

I remember structuring my day so that I would be in bed before eight every night. I remember saving my money and waiting for the book fair so that I could buy a book to read. I remember receiving my report card and telling myself that next time I will do better. I remember begging my mother to put me into piano lessons after trying to teach myself.

I think three (I remember...) is enough. It's quite repetitive.

As my graduation approached, I began to own up to my problems. I began to be more social, more focused, more positive, and more active. My life gradually began to move past the darkness. Becoming an editor for my high school newspaper showed me that working hard does lead to good things and that same year, I had the opportunity to travel to Greece, which opened my eyes and heart to a more positive and peaceful life. I began to work harder to increase my GPA and even started attending school events! I now know how corrosive the depression, anxiety, and OCD was on my life but today I can say, with gratification, that the shadow remains behind me. It was a tormenting battle but it was a necessary one.

This is the biggest part of your essay but it needs to be organized. This paragraph describes the CHANGE of your past but if you begin with a simple transition sentence like As my graduation approached, It's going to seem that you changed just because graduation approached which is a poor reason to change. Instead, explain what inspired you to turn active and becoming an editor and so on. I don't see a trigger that evolved the dark you of the past to the bright you of the present. What sparked? Tell me.
kibz95   
Jan 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Today, life is easier and cozier than it was then out grandparents were young. [2]

Hello everyone... I might need a hand here. I usually complete my essays and ask for revisions and comments, but it appears I'm stuck on this topic. I have my first point all written down, and my initial second point was that environment problems arose which is why life today is more difficult, but my examples were pretty low quality and I screwed-up my organization... Any suggestions for my second point? Thanks.

TOPIC: AGREE OR DISAGREE: Today, life is easier and cozier than it was when our grandparents were young.

The reason why the dogma, 'Respect your grandparents' is so famous is because they have experienced war and poverty which provided them wisdom that is beyond comprehension for youngsters. Nevertheless, the world the present generation live is far more complicated than the world of our grandparents which created new and even more challenging dilemmas. Life today is far more intricate and taxing because the present generation have darkness in their hearts.

Compared to the past where our grandparents lived, the present is a fantasy where we can simply contact each other with a simple gadget, or watch an education program on a large box with a screen. We may enjoy our comfortable lives, ordering food or supplies with the touch of a button, but deep inside this cozy world, a dark shadow resides in everyone's hearts. This looming darkness is anxiety and fear of failure. To be specific, people fear themselves because failure is less tolerant compared to the past for a single blunder can completely alter the coarse of a prominent business organization to plummet downhill. In turn, this fear leads people to achieve everything they can so that they will not create any mistakes during work. This leads to a problem where it is even more difficult to stand out among all these other people who have achieved the same goals. In effect, people have become mindless similar robots trying to fulfill their identical goals: never make a mistake. This change creates a ominous atmosphere that prevents one to comfortably work at their leisure pace but to stay alert at every trivial act. Therefore, life today is less easier and cozier than the past.
kibz95   
Jan 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D It is important for families to regularly eat their meals together. [6]

Hello Lin.
This is a TOEFL essay no? I had the same topic when I took the test.
In any case, your essay is... I would give it a 3 out of 10. Here are the reasons why.
1. Although you did point out your points, they are not specific and even confusing... especially your first body paragraph.
Take a look at what you wrote: To further elaborate, people spend most of their time with classmates or colleagues and they can build a good relationship with their families . ----- What does this exactly mean? People hanging out with classmates and peers will enable a good relationship with families? What are you talking about?

Also, the first sentence in your 1st body, take a look: The most critical reason supporting my positions is that people could share their lives with their families when they have meals together . How is this different from your second body main idea? Sharing different ideas and sharing the events of lives are practically the same.

2. Even if you did point out specifically, your examples are rather dull and repetitive.
Take a look: My mom shared her own experience to me, my sister encouraged me, and my father taught me methods about how to solve problems. ------> this is just dull. It's boring. Put some adjectives like

(My patient mother shared her own similar experience to me, my kind, gentle sister pushed me forwards, and my wise father lectured me methods on solving predicaments.) You see how you get to describe your family at the same time?

3. your introduction and conclusion are dangerously weak. There's no hook for the intro or a summary of your points/point in the conclusion. I highly suggest you read several TOEFL essay examples before you re-write.

Hope this helps.

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