lcturn87
Apr 17, 2015
Undergraduate / SVA Statement of Intent - Getting out of the Shadows [4]
1) What are you referring to when you state that your cousin is better than you? Does the rivalry relate to art? You have to describe this initially so that the reader isn't confused since you proceed to discuss art in the next sentence.
2) You could also say you were a novice rather than neophyte if you choose.
3) I think you maybe referring to walking along a blind path or walking aimlessly with no purpose, because it seems like you had a routine but you didn't enjoy it.
4) The reader may not understand what you mean by one ticket. Do you mean one way ticket?
5) Another way to say what Mrs. Akers did for you is, "renewed my passion for art". You don't have to change what you said, but this could mean that it was already there but she helped you to see that you were an artist.
6) Change "anyones shadow anymore" to anyone's shadow anymore.
7) I would change "Knowing when you are in Manhattan to, "When I learned that the school's location was in Manhattan, I was immediately enthralled because..."
8) My suggestion is to add details regarding how the university will help continue to nurture your passion for art. What other courses seem to interest you? Do they have internships at companies you are interested in working with? What is unique about their program? Also, I would explain what you are going to do differently to improve your GPA so admissions can see you are a serious student. You want to have a balance between pursuing your passion and meeting requirements at this university.
Be confident and you will do well. Nice Essay!
1) What are you referring to when you state that your cousin is better than you? Does the rivalry relate to art? You have to describe this initially so that the reader isn't confused since you proceed to discuss art in the next sentence.
2) You could also say you were a novice rather than neophyte if you choose.
3) I think you maybe referring to walking along a blind path or walking aimlessly with no purpose, because it seems like you had a routine but you didn't enjoy it.
4) The reader may not understand what you mean by one ticket. Do you mean one way ticket?
5) Another way to say what Mrs. Akers did for you is, "renewed my passion for art". You don't have to change what you said, but this could mean that it was already there but she helped you to see that you were an artist.
6) Change "anyones shadow anymore" to anyone's shadow anymore.
7) I would change "Knowing when you are in Manhattan to, "When I learned that the school's location was in Manhattan, I was immediately enthralled because..."
8) My suggestion is to add details regarding how the university will help continue to nurture your passion for art. What other courses seem to interest you? Do they have internships at companies you are interested in working with? What is unique about their program? Also, I would explain what you are going to do differently to improve your GPA so admissions can see you are a serious student. You want to have a balance between pursuing your passion and meeting requirements at this university.
Be confident and you will do well. Nice Essay!