lcturn87
Aug 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Having an enjoyable job or good salary to a better life? IELTS Task 2 [3]
Hello, I will help you with your essay. I want to focus on word order so that your sentences can be understood. This will help to improve your writing.
1st paragraph: Working preference is widely concerned nowadays-Change the order of this sentence to: "Today, some are concerned about their work preference." This sentence will now lead to the next sentence where you use "some people". The next sentence place "better" before well-being.
You need a better transition for the next sentence, here is a suggestion: "Yet, it is a belief that money also canbe have drawbacks such asbecause it can lead to a materialistic lifestyle. If you use because, the reader can understand that a materialistic lifestyle is a drawback.
The last sentence word choice is important and needs to relate to the question: "Personally, I argue that a pleasurable jobalso should be considered over money".
2nd paragraph: The second paragraph, does not begin in a way that would help the reader to understand that the first discussion is about earning a lot of money. Here is a simple way to begin: "Some people have the idea to earn a lot of money." By stating some people and using idea, this will will help you transition to your next sentence. The following sentence change this word to: "fulfilling".
3rd paragraph: You should delete these words:ignoring in society . Simply add the word "boring" in its place. This sentence needed correction: Firstly, a pleasurable job seems to rise the increase a positive mood and wellness, while even if the salary is not spectacular. I would use the word increase rather than raise because a positive mood and wellness can be increased.
Change this word to "tasks". The next sentence, "seem to have a healthy". Change charity to "charitable". The last sentence check your source again because there are errors in this sentence.
4th paragraph: I'm unsure about the next sentence because you use the word notified. Do you mean notably a factor of wellness? Correct this sentece: "One of the drawbacks that has resulted from this issue is a materialistic lifestyle." The next sentence the word should be plural; "others arguing" This is only a suggestion for the last sentence: Instead of using where, you could use "when it is an option". Delete consider to.
Hello, I will help you with your essay. I want to focus on word order so that your sentences can be understood. This will help to improve your writing.
1st paragraph: Working preference is widely concerned nowadays-Change the order of this sentence to: "Today, some are concerned about their work preference." This sentence will now lead to the next sentence where you use "some people". The next sentence place "better" before well-being.
You need a better transition for the next sentence, here is a suggestion: "Yet, it is a belief that money also can
The last sentence word choice is important and needs to relate to the question: "Personally, I argue that a pleasurable job
2nd paragraph: The second paragraph, does not begin in a way that would help the reader to understand that the first discussion is about earning a lot of money. Here is a simple way to begin: "Some people have the idea to earn a lot of money." By stating some people and using idea, this will will help you transition to your next sentence. The following sentence change this word to: "fulfilling".
3rd paragraph: You should delete these words:
Change this word to "tasks". The next sentence, "seem to have a healthy". Change charity to "charitable". The last sentence check your source again because there are errors in this sentence.
4th paragraph: I'm unsure about the next sentence because you use the word notified. Do you mean notably a factor of wellness? Correct this sentece: "One of the drawbacks that has resulted from this issue is a materialistic lifestyle." The next sentence the word should be plural; "others arguing" This is only a suggestion for the last sentence: Instead of using where, you could use "when it is an option". Delete consider to.