Writing Feedback / People in Five Different Occupations Sleeping Patterns according to a Canadian study [2]

Trias this is yet another great article, you leaned on the facts and figures and you brought analytical finding just as great.

- However, they are usually awake for two hours between their sleeping times at night, and then have a nap at noon from 1-2 pm until 3-4 pm.

Indeed this is a detailed analysis but I think you can elaborate more. I think you can further analyze the graph or the study to differentiate sleeping patterns.

Besides, the nature of the occupation one has, greatly affects their sleeping pattern. Not only that, the age also matters to the sleeping pattern of a person.

I suggest that you inject your own opinion at the end of every analysis that you make in order to add a personal touch to the analysis but this always depend on you.

Also, always check the flow of your analysis, from left to right or from top to bottom.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Changes in the levels of rentals and sales of films in a particular store [3]

- The bar chart gives information about the changes of the levels of rentals and sales of films in VHS, DVD, and Blu-ray formats in a particular store during the period of 2002 to 2011.

- While DVD experienced dramatic inclineincrease but then slowly declined and Blu-ray experienced slow inclineslowly increased starting in the middle of period to the end.

- In the beginning of sampledthe period...

Hetty, this analysis is great, however I have a few inputs;

- use of punctuation marks or symbols on the numerical figures in your analysis, such as "9.000 or 11.000", I'm just not sure if thats a numerical representation of points or if it should be "9,000 and 11,000"

- use of linking verbs to make a better flow of the sentence.

And always proof read your article before submitting it.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / People Who Refuse to Pay Tax to The State [2]

- In general, people tend to be extremely critical when it comes to their financialfinances .

- I narrow bunch of reasons to down to two to explain why I come to disagree with this opinion.

- My first reason is the development of facility and infrastructure in the country.

- Rephrasing;
The following reason to support in paying tax to the country is public service sector, especially health. It turns out that the tax also pays for under prosperity citizens' medication.

The public service sector especially the health department should be taken huge amount of tax as they will end up taking it out from the citizens who seek their services.

- People can brag about loving to thetheir country, but action speaks louder than words.

Trias, this essay is more of a reminder that we still need to work on linking the ideas and thoughts and turn them into a very good read for the readers.

Make sure that you proof read and mind the flow of your ideas, this will keep your readers to read through and will get your message across.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Using Technology to Monitor People what they do [2]

- In the present eradays ( "era" is a very outdated form of writing when referring to age and this is an IELTS task, you should maintain conversational as well as business english to make it through IELTS ) when the technology is developing rapidly,...

- For instance, cellular phone tracking and security cameras, and mostly people do not acknowledge of being watched over.

- FirstlyFirst , the spying activities are common for police or other state intelligence organisationsorganization .

- They feel that their precious privacy are disturbed and objectsubject with the thoughts of, say, their activities on the internet are captured or interfered by a particular party.

Indeed, privacy is important and technology has been way beyond its borders. Technology has advanced thousand times that we ever expected but the question is, what is our role in making this happen.

Answer, we let them into our private haven, we let them in by signing up, allowing them to locate us, flaunting pictures on social media, checking in at establishments and making them aware of our whereabouts.

In addition, we let technology overtake our rules in life, so the choice is ours to make. Life is always a matter of choice.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Sales proportion for four different retail products in New Zealand [2]

- The pie charts give information about the sales proportion for 4 retail products in New Zealand which were purchased online during the period 2003 and 2013.

- All figures in this chart are in per centpercent (its one word) .

- While the sales proportion of books also became slightly larger in 2013 thatthan it had 10 years ago with 3 per centpercent (or better of writing it as "3%" numerical figures in analysis draws more attention than letters) gap.

Inputs:

- numerical values versus letters to refer to figures for the analysis, I guess you will be better of using figures.

- make sure that you also make use of the spell check, I mean you don't get mistakes that often and it's also a matter of word choice and how you English makes a difference, talking about British english spelling

- proof read and your article is good to go.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Information about the primary export commodities of Southland in 2000, 2015 and predictions for 2025 [2]

- Moving to a more detailed analysis, meat products reached its highest level at almost 10 billion in 2000 and then there will be a slight decrease until 2025.

- This type of commodity is predicted to reach the lowest at 5 billion .

- On the other hand, 2015 is dominated by dairy products export at around the same level as international tourism exports 15 years ago. As for the prediction in 2025, international tourism will beis the highest of all other commodities.

Trias, this is another great analysis of the data given in the graph. I'm just keen on making points matter, as such when you are referring to figures, address the findings as to its unit of measurement or as to the graph entails, e.g. 10 billion or 10%, also mind the following;

- the use of decreasing value and increasing value in referring to the findings and analysis of the graph.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The percentage of number of children in Australia, whose mothers were between 40 and 44 years old [2]

- However, 1981 saw the lowest rate of children who wasare born byfrom a woman aged 40-44 with the rate at above a quarter.

Very good analysis and I guess all the points are accounted for as to referring the following;

- unit of measurement

- reference to numerical values in figures

- sticking to facts and detailed analysis of the given graph

- proof read and your absolutely good to go

There's not much to say, good luck!

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The number of women who gave birth to children between 1981 to 2006 [4]

- The most striking feature is that women who ever gave birth to two children are the highest number in all sampledgiven periods.

- Meanwhile, women who gave birth to one child areis the lowest number during the periods of time .

- Moving into more detailed analysis, the number of women who never gave birth and women who gave birth to one child are below 10 per cent ("percent" is one word as is refers to percentage) in the year 1981 and 1986...

Hetty, your analysis was good, detailed and well structured.

However, I have a few points that you might want to consider;

- the use of "is" and "are, singular verb uses "is" and plural verb uses "are"

- Proof read and you should be ready to submit your analysis

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Students learn just because of good marks. [3]

- MarksGrades ( "Marks" will be initially hard for your readers to distinguish the subjects) are great motivation for children to study.

- GradesIt help students to estimate their abilities, compare to other friends, find the weakness and improve.

- The purpose of learning is to expand your knowledge...

Vangue, your essay is great, a little short though. I believe you can still expand your thoughts and ideas on this subject.
After all, it's a very interesting topic to tackle and a good one to start in enhancing your creative writing skills;
When you write, I would like to give you a few points to consider;

- sentence construction, make sure that your article has a logic, this will give a smooth flow of idea that will keep your readers interested with the article

- use of conversational english, the use of such will make your readers understand the article

- as much as you can, stick to the facts and figures, if the article is asking for your opinion, be objective.

That's it from me.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Changes in levels of exports in Southland in 2000, 2015, and prediction of 2025 [2]

- Finally, meat products has been the least contributedcontributor to export income in the first given period...

Hetty, this is yet another detailed analysis from top to bottom. Good job!

You were able to stick to the figures, made sure that detailed analysis is given and posted it in your article.

However, I have a few points;

- As always, proof read your article

- good job on correcting your unit of measurement and using them in your analysis

- smooth flow of the analysis

- paragraph phasing is also great, very professional

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Good relationships among employees can make a job enjoyable and even more attractive financially [3]

- Nowadays, in a sophisticated society, comfortablecomfort is a main factor to chooseconsider when working.

- The predominant reason why gaining an enjoyable work is substantial is because it can make a high performance on every worker.

- For instance, employees who feel convenientconvenience are more likely to show better work than others who are not such as in ain shoes' company, workers can produce more shoes than when they are in under pressure.

-This is because it can make people easy to achieve a better life.

- For example, people who work in a highhigher company tend to gain well paid job.

-...and I strongly believe that workers can obtain both of them if they want to make a good relationship among other workers who cause convenience.that will result to harmonious working environment.

Siddi, this essay is great. However, make sure that you mind the following;

- logic of your ideas and thoughts, this will keep your readers understand were the article is heading to and will definitely read on

- proof read before you give your article a go

- make sure that you are objective in all your article to avoid conflicts and it will also let your readers know that your all for the best welfare of every single reader.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / People are responsible for the path, the career they choose for themselves. Money vs fun in work. [4]

- On the oneother hand, people nowadays tend to spend their time for working to earn a lot of money to gain a better life. -

- For instance, many parents today are spending a lot of time for their jobs than to their children.

- This is because they think when they can give enough money forto their children, all the problems will be done because the important thing is that they can earn much money and it can make their children happy.

- FirstlyFirst , when people are feeling happy in their jobs, it will result a good effect on their lives especially in their workplace without think about money.

- Also, people can feel free, it means they do not think that it is more important for people when they work base onwith their heart.

Daniel, your essay is good. It started very good and ended far better than it sounds. You were very objective, however I suggest the following;

- be objective all the time, so as not to confuse your readers

- your opinion matters most so as much as you can, stick to the facts that you can gather

- linking verbs has a very large impact in making a sentence prove its sense, so mind your linking verbs

- proof read you articles all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / International tourist arrivals around parts of the world [4]

- Whereas, the figure of South-East Asia's foreignerforeign travelers doubled an increase, anotherthe other did not experience a significant change as the whole of the period in the graph.

- According to the graph, North America started as the highest number of people visiting amongst others.

- Moving to a more detailed analysis form the chart reveals that Sub-Saharan Africa and South America had a similar point of foreignerforeign visitors.

- Between 1990 and 2000, their figure had virtuallyvirtual pattern, but in 2005 for Sub-Saharan Africa, they had number of travelers more than South America's figure at around 22 and 18 million visitors respectively.

- However, South-East Asia could be considered as the figure who witnessed a significant growth from jutsjust 20 million to nearly 50 million foreigners visiting in the last year in the question.

Iqbal, this analysis is great. Details of the graph is well analyzed. However, I suggest the following;

- Your analysis has a very good flow, very logical

- proof read as always

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Attractive and less popular destinations for people visiting different parts of the world [2]

- Moving to a more detailed analysis, the level of tourist in North America had always been the highest among the whole regionsregion over the timeframe.

- It stood at slightly above 70 millions in 1990, reached a high of above 90 millionsmillion 10 years later, and it slightly dropped to under 90 millions in 2005.

- However, there was a continuous growth in South-East Asia, which was followed by a largean increase in 2005 at approximately 50 millions.

Trias, another good analysis from the graph given.

- very factual, detailed and logical

- unit of measure "million" was taken into consideration

- Suggest to add the following paragraph;

Overall, tourists has been really adventurous when it comes to picking their next vacation destination. For what it's worth, it brings a well of possibilities for everyone, for tourist to be able to travel and explore more and for locals to be of service to them. It's indeed a win - win situation.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists..... [2]

- I am of theIn my personal opinion thatone should the contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers, it does not mean the contributions of artists and writers are less important and such an opinion is based on the reasons elaborated below. ( this statement is very contradicting, I suggest rephrasing it.)

- I believe that the scientists and engineers are more advanced countries are based onand wide spread when it comes tothe science and knowledge, which I suppose can be best illustrated by in today's world.

- the criterion to choose advance countries are theThe contribution of scientists and engineers that showed In 2014, the ten largest advanced economies the criteria for evaluating the degree of economic werecame from 10 largest economically advanced countries such as the United States, Japan, Germany, France, the United Kingdom, Italy, Canada, Australia, South Korea and Spain.

- The reason of advancement of these countries are the contribution of scientists and engineers in economic fields.

- Moreover, I think the contribution of scientists and engineerstheir contributions are always the high esteem (valid)highly regarded in their countries, as in the case whenwhere I was studying the history of countries, numerous of scientists and engineers have a good mental in mybrilliant mind.

- Another point worth considering is the fact that a powerful society is also related to the contribution of scientists and engineers .

- forFor instance the countries that have a high contactregard forbetween scientists and engineers have successful in the military force such as the united states, Russia and china.

- Finally, I would like to say that I thinkthe societies of rich to contain the contribution of scientists and engineers, like I could mention China, in this country got 60 percent of revenue by business which they were the result of contribution of scientists and engineers.

- In order to wrap up I would like to reiterate that I think in any society, theThe contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers. should be agree with the statement.

I would like to add this last few words if I may;

Nevertheless, every person that belongs to a society, professional and non professional alike, are great contributors of building a nation. Every single day is a chance for us to be able to contribute and make a difference.

Naph, I have a few points for you;

- the essay is okay, you have a point, but sending a message across your readers may not be an easy task more so that this is a TOEFL essay for you, so keep on writing and read more to enhance your vocabulary.

- sentence construction, your sentences are very long and your loosing your point in the end, I suggest that you be mindful of using your punctuation marks and know when to separate your thoughts.

- word usage, you repeat your words many times in this essay, so many times that as a reader I don't see any necessity in doing so and in the end they are already misleading.

- logic and flow of ideas, you were jumping from one idea the other, you already lost your readers in the first paragraph of the essay and that's not good.

- I suggest re - writing your essay, proof read it and post it back here on EF so we can further help out.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Now students have opportunities to enroll a foreign universities - enter into global competition [2]

-....to study in their own nationcountry since this made them easy towill help them achieve a high score.

- Yet, these days, they have a great opportunity to enrollapply in foreign university as it can bring them into global competition.

- Therefore, I would argue that both studying in their own country and abroad have thea number of merits and demerits.

- As a matter of fact, studying in their original country is easy for students because they must notdon't need to adapt with new situation.

- For example, students who study in their own country tend to behave an easy way to be the winner in some local competitions held in their university.

- Having said that, studying in their own country leadskeeps students not tofromgetgetting global competition as their competitors come only from the local areas.

- However, most international students have to face shock culture shock since they are living in a new area.

- For instance, Students need at least one semester to adapt with new culture which causes students to gain achievement slowly.

- The aforementioned evidence reveals that although studying in your country of origin brings students to get a local competition easily, they do not have international experience.

- Likewise, they have to face shock culture in long time to adapt with new situation.Whereas students who study abroad have greater exposure to everything there is out there and much more. Overall, what brings a person to the realization of his dreams and ambition is the determination to succeed in life, the will to survive and the promise of undying love to learn and to take on that adventure.

Siddi, your essay is good. You were able to differentiate two ideas clearly.
However, please take note of the following;

- word usage, make sure that you choose the word that best describe your ideas to your readers, make sure that they will be able to understand it and will be able to relate to it.

- sentence construction, the flow of an essay is essential in order to keep your readers read through the entire article, in this essay you tend to go back and forth on your ideas and examples, so compose your thoughts, draft it, then proof read, re- write if necessary, this way you will have a well defined article.

Oh, and read a lot, it really helps!

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Hang it up - technological devices considered as learning tools may cause major distraction in class [4]

- She states that cellphones cause distraction in the classrooms that result into poor performance of students.

- She also mentionsmentioned that parents opposed the school district's rule , so they started a lawsuit against the school district.

- I agree with Jessie that cellphones are distracting for students learning in the
classrooms.

- In addition, not only the person who received a phone call by a loud ringtone during the class , but also another studentsstudent would be interrupted by cellphones while concentrating on the lecture.

- Limiting time to use cellphones in the classrooms would be a good solution for students and their parents who needs ato call ofin case of emergency.

Chaki, your essay is good, your observation is well written.

I also did an observation and I have a few points for you;

- mobile phone is two separate words, iPad is one word, it's a brand

- good job on punctuation marks usage

- sentence construction and smooth flow, that's a plus

- linking verbs should be observed too in your sentences, they can make your sentences mean more and help your message to come across to your readers

- proof read your articles before you submit it

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Past feminist movements have boosted gender equality in the society also including universities [6]

- But this is an idea that exists only in a Utopia community.

- Thus, phenomena like glass ceiling must be got rid ofshould be avoided to provide women a decent life.

- Yet Let's not rush into the conclusion of indiscriminateindiscriminating gender equality for some limits are set out of the protection to women such as mining industry.

- To conclude, the fact that men are favorable in some linesfields of work considering their gender features must be respected.

- Guided by this attitude, a society with health circle of development where the talents of both gender be putare considered to the utmost use can be built.

Xeon, your essay is good and yes, gender equality is tough. It's a topic that most people would end up arguing about, it has something to do with a lot of principles, ideas and opinions that everyone has to respect. Now, I have a few points that mat help you;

- compose your ideas, site examples and give your personal opinion, be objective all the time

- mind your sentences and how you reach out to your readers

- make sure that you proof read it before giving it a go.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Compare/Contrast Essay - Similarities and differences between Me and my Brother [5]

- Though However few, there are still similarities that we share as siblings.

- First of all, we were both brought up by an amazing pair of(parents - is in reference to two people so no need for the word pair) parents that put all of their effort into raising us to the best of their ability.

- We were both taught to cherish life. and the people in it.

- Besides our upbringing, we also share in certain beliefs.

Bluebabey, your comparison essay is good, well written and differences are very much elaborated.
I just want to suggest other subject of comparison and not your family member, say differences in colors, peoples opinion, fast food and fine dining or may be rural and urban area living. This subjects will give you a lot of thoughts and ideas without being emotional and careful of what you write.

Now, when you write, make sure that you proof read it before giving it a go.

Good luck.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Differences between Buses and Subways [3]

- Especially, as the concept of transportation developed, many kinds of transportations have appeared, and the most common transportation now we access today are buses and subways.

- Our lives will be much easier and convenient if we understand these differences and take the advantage of them wisely.

Inicon, your essay is very well written. You were able to differentiate this two forms of transportation.
However I have a few tips you may consider;

- word usage, you used "generally" about two times in your essay, I suggest you twist it a little, like writing, "in general", the thought is still there but its on a different form, this way your readers will not be bored in reading the essay.

- the flow of the essay is great, Kudos to you!

- make sure you proof read your article before you submit.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / Research Thesis on Orchid Hunting during the Victorian Era [2]

- During the Victorian Era, European orchid collectors have seen the orchid as a signifier ofsignificant unknown, undiscovered places and uncivilized peoplespeople (Berliocchi, 14).

- ....this paper will provide a detailed qualitative ( "qualitative" has a root word, "quality", I'm not sure if you would like to talk about quality or quantity, numbers and figures in your analysis, if you do so, you might want to change that into, "quantitative analysis") analysis and discussion of two British,

- There are three purposespurpose for this research paper all of which are explored through a post-colonial, eco-critical lens.

- The second purpose of this research paper is twofoldbifold and involves an evaluation

Blair, your introduction is good. I just hope you add more abstract description about your topic as this will enhance the message you want to get across your readers.

As you go along with this research paper, make sure you mind the following;

- sentence construction, make sure you have a good and smooth flow of ideas in order to keep your readers to read through

- word usage, it's not necessary to use big words in an article if you don't need to, just make sure that the words you choose best define what ideas you have and this will help your readers understand your research better.

- proof read your elements before you progress into the next one, and before you submit your paper, another round of proof reading will not hurt.

We look forward to the parts of the research paper, keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The two diagrams provide a breakdown of producing frozen fish pies [3]

- Overall, what stands out from the diagrams revealsreveal that microwaveable container contains four mixed ingredients.

- Afterwards, these potatoes are cleaned then pealingthe peel goes into waste disposal.

- The next step is that after potatoes have been peeled, these potatoes are sliced, and then boilingboiled and placed into a pan.

- AddingAfter chillingchill and storing them,this isare done before mixing into potato.

- The second way is after delivering for 12 hours or less, fresh salmon is mixed bywith lemon juice and salt with aim of preventing bad smell.

- Then wrapping and packaging is done toin freeze into store/dispatch.and ready for dispatch to stores.

Siddi, I must say this analysis of the diagram is good. However, the elaboration or explanation of the diagram could've been better.

For future reference, make sure that you mind the following;

- the logical order or process of the diagram

- mind the use of linking verbs

- proof reading is a must

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS. Scientific research. Companies or government? [3]

- And it is clear that countries` ( "countries" doesn't need an apostrophe) budgets are limited, ...

- In contrastcontrary ( " contrast " is use to refer color or reflection) , some may argue that it is better if the government exercises the scientific researches .

Marceline, your essay is done well. A few tips from me that you may consider;

- proof reading is always good

- reading enhances your vocabulary so keep reading

- be mindful of your punctuation marks, they matter a lot to your writing too

- choice of words, make sure that you choose your words, big words will not have as much impact as you put on words that your readers will understand, this matters more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Trends in childrens early formal education [3]

- Children starting to study sinceat an early agesage are becoming a program trend in some countries in order to let the children know the children withenvironmental academic environment soon.

- For this reason, I would contendcontest that although allowing children to study atin school inat aged 7 or 8 would make them more independent, it is golden agedage to bring children into school in early ages.

- First of all, no one can avoidargue that early agesage is golden ages to knowage to gain more knowledge.

- Surprisingly, students in early ages (4-5 years old) can memorize faster and more may it be animal and plant names than older students in the same period when they start to study.

- As a result, it is inevitable that early ages have golden time to have faster progress ofin improving knowledge in studying of formal education.

Iqbal, I corrected a few sentences above and I hope it help. I would also like to add the following;

- mind your linking verbs, to, is, are, at, etc.

- word tenses, make sure that you use the present tense if the action is ongoing

- sentence construction, proof read your sentences and the essay as a whole before you give it a go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / 'globalization risk' - visitors to a country follow local customs and behavior? [3]

- As long as you have mass amount of money, you can have a trip to the universe.

- However, as far as II'm concerned, I am in favour of the former.

- As the idiom said :"While in Rome, do as the RemansRomans do." the reason why every travellerstravelers visit different countries is that they are attractiveattracted with brilliant history and mysterious cultures.

- This way is the best way to protect the host country's culture.

- Because of the rise of globalization, many countries have begun to lose themselves( I suppose you mean, their cultural heritage") .

- On the other hand, colorable( do you mean, "collaborated") argument can be made that the host country should welcome cultural differences.

Cherry, your essay is good. I'm just not sure if you were able to fulfill the goal of the essay to write about globalization risk.

You can have it elaborated more and share more of your ideas about cultural exchange or culture preservation, furthermore, you can site examples of countries that has improved in economic perspective with the help of tourism.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / ADAPTING OTHER CULTURES IN THE FLAT WORLD TIME [5]

- The problem is how to protect oneselfones culture as well as absorb other cultures to adapt with international environment.

- FirstlyFirst , it is necessary to distinguish what are the good or bad values of each culture.

- If these are not ones , they should get rid of.

-However, who determine for this problem.

- For example, Vietnamese people need to learn being on time ofas this is a practice of Western culture and being serious inat work as forworks of Japanese.

- SecondlyNext , each country has private cultural strengths, so they need to promote this to other countries.

- Moreover, they can touch base with cultural meetings in different levels from regions to continents.

- In addition, each country need to protect and promote private cultural strengths to whole the whole world to enrich each other, with personal responsibility, each person need to self-study to open knowledge and adaptability to other cultures.

Nguyen, overall assessment of your essay, it's good. Your point was made and your message is clearly sent across.
However, I have a few tips you may want to consider;

- word choice, make sure that the words you choose will be understandable so you can send your message across

- your sentence structure is very good

- make sure you proof read and spell check all the time

And, oh, read more, this helps in enhancing your vocabulary.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / Seeking admission to one of the best Computer Science undergraduate programs in India - SOP [3]

- I have recently completed my Schooling( do you mean secondary education?) .

- My early fascination for computers (since high school), combined with a strong likingdesire for the subject inspired me to seek admission to one of the best Computer Science undergraduate programs in India.

- My aspiration to work at the frontiers of a software company leads me to apply toat your university.

- I feel that Graduate studies in Computer Science in a good University like yours will help me to attain this objective.

- On my part, I can assure you of my sincerity and hard work.

- And I am confident that my enthusiasm and dedication to Computer Science will enable me to meet your expectations.

Kushal, since this is an application to a university, I feel like it lacks the kick or the spirit that an admission officer is looking for.

Clearly you need to talk about yourself, your accomplishments and your inputs to the field, however, you miss the point of talking about the institution, questions like, what can you do to improve or bring awareness to hopeful software engineers, answer this question and add it to your final paragraph, it definitely will add strength to your application.

Remember, you need the institution to help you build your future and the institution need you to build and strengthen their reputation.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do You Think The Advantages of Medical Care Development Outshine Its Disadvantages? [3]

- Health is arguably one of the most critical aspects of human'shuman life.

- As such, some people try to improve medical care so as to prevent people from the death and to give them longevity and life expectancy.

- Take dying people as an example, when shopisticatedsophisticated medical technology is believed by people to be able to cure their illness, in pain, people have motivation to live and tend to set a plan about what they can do in the future life .

- This is arguably one big problem that can drive us to another bigbigger problems like global warming, hunger, and poverty.

- FirstlyFirst , as the medication improve, the rate of death decrease significantly.

- This causes a steady rise of the world population and this result in the increase of the number of houses increase .

- Broadly speaking, the development of medical care lead the world to face a highhigher population problem.

- All in allOverall , even though the improvement of medication can give people a spirit to survive and do more for their life in the future...

Stacy, kindly find my corrections above, I hope it helps. Don't forget to proof read your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Advanced medical treatment brings longer life of human expectancy [3]

- The impact of this is that humanshuman have a tendency to live longer so that this increase life expectancy from many people.

- As far as I am concerned, development of medical care brings convenience for people to cope with rare disease and have more alternative ways to maintain humanhealtha healthy life .

- Meanwhile, that this encourages more individuals to avoid some traditional medication which is a negative impact of this.

- Clearly, it is inevitable that advanced medical care makemakes iteasilyeasy to deal with dangerous disease.

- Take some medical expert in America as an example, with improvingimproved medical treatment...

- Consequently, this causes some therapist of traditional treatments will lose their jobs.

Iqbal, this essay is good. You clearly stated your point on the subject.
I agree 100% on your opinion about the positive outcome of advance medical technology, it does have a few set backs
but it always depend on how and in what aspect you look at it.

Proof read and keep writing

Cheers!!!

Essays / Persuasive Essay on topic something other than school uniforms, lunch quality and double standards [5]

Well Bluebabey,

I suggest that you take this following topics;

- travel,it's origin, how culture is exchanged thru traveling, you will be able to write a lot about this topic

- advance technology, may it be in the IT world, education or sports

- coffee or tea, that's always a good topic to write about

- high heels or flat shoes in going to work, it's safety and it's comfortability

Furthermore, make sure that when you start to write, take note of the following;

- spell check

- proof read

- ideas, thoughts and logical order

- sentence construction

- word use, make sure that the words you use is understandable in order for your message to come across

Looking forward to helping you with your next post

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The process of technology has contributed to the medical equipment and treatment; people live longer [3]

- FirstlyFirst , as the process of technology has contributed...

- Moreover, current technology allows human beings' ( no need for any punctuation mark on "beings") organs to be transformed from one body to another,which is considerably decreasing the mortality of human beings.

- SecondlySecond , it is true that the affairs related to elderly people are intensively taken into account by the government and the society facing the soaring rate of senior citizens' population. ( punctuation mark on "citizens" is not needed)

- The welfare formulated by the authorities provides practical fundings to elderly people, such as sickness pay or annual subsidy, which is financially assisting them a lot.

- The sound and suitable facilities and qualified staffers with medical knowhow in the nursing home help elders to live a life easierlyas comfortable in this well-prepared place.

- In conclusion, it is clear to see life expectancy is longer thenthan the past.

- Advances in medication, officially welfare in funding andlocallylocal nursing houses are the explanations for this trend.

Pys, your essay is good, however the last sentence is not clear to me. I'm not sure of the point you want to make.

I suggest re-phrasing it.

Make sure that you also proof read it, mind your punctuation marks, linking verbs and your spell check should be on all the time.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Equal Parents Responsibility to raise their children [2]

- It is very common in the most of the families that the mother duty is to raise the children including the housework, and for the father hisfather's duty is to support the family financially.

- leavingLeaving ( always capitalize your first letter at the start of the sentence) most of the work for the mother.

- She may find some difficultdifficultybyin doing all of this work by herself.

- They need both partners to be as much responsible and well-behaved, because what they learn from their mother is totally different from what they learn from their father.

- ....which is wrong the father presentnesspresence is very important for his wife and his children, not to mention, that the father should be aware of his kids emotionsemotional needs.

- every child needs to feel that his father is beingpaying him some attention.

- To concludeIn conclusion , both parents should share equal responsibility in raising their children. because is not fair for the mother to do it alone. and, the father is much able to help the mother.

- Also, children need their father to be raised well. in brief, Happy family always share equal responsibilities.

Bisho, I have made a few corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.
Also, please mind the following;

- punctuation marks, for you to break your sentences, you need a comma (,) and not period (.)

- when you start your sentence, use a capital letter in your first word

- proof read

- sentence construction, you need to put your ideas on a very thorough manner in order for your message to get across

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The Curse Of a Tree (deforestation) [2]

Salawieh,

Your essay is written well, a little bit lengthy though, I'm not sure if you were aiming for the number of words or you want to elaborate your ideas further, otherwise it's two thumbs up from me.

Now, i have a few points you may consider when writing;

- make sure that your essay is somehow entertaining without loosing your message

- length of the essay, I'm not sure with other readers but to read thru an essay this long is good but somehow you lost the objective of the essay

- sentence construction was very good

- proof read

- paragraph line up was well constructed

- word choice is brilliant, it was like reading an essay and a poem altogether

- you were able to stay objective, good job on that.

And I agree with you, it is indeed a curse, the moment we cut trees and not plant new ones, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I witness deforestation myself and it's an act of inviting calamity although a lot of people and organization are working very hard to avoid it.

Nevertheless, every single person can make changes in the community, in such manner as picking up garbage or keeping your candy wrapper till you find a trash to toss it.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Society should identify those children who have special talents and provide training for them; GRE [3]

- In sumIn conclusion , I agree that society should provide talented children who lacks support and resources with necessary, mild and enlightening training and such programs would nurture more prodigies to be socially acceptableindependent and usefulproductive individuals.

Dong, I worked on the last paragraph of the essay as the rest of it is written well. You made your point and I agree with you. Indeed, children who shows talents and exceptional skills should be nurtured and trained, this will hone them to be better in life and live comfortably.

I have a few points for you;

- proof read all the time

- good job in sentence construction, the flow of the essay is great

- I suggest not to abbreviate or cut your words such as " In sum ", just because your readers might not be able to understand, well most of them will do but it's for greater good.

Nevertheless, your essay is very motivating and very objective. Your ideas are clear and you did write them very well.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The increase of advance technology over the years is resonating around us, students. [5]

- The increase in the advancementof advanceof technology over the years is resultingresonating around us,

- as we can see, more and more people are sticking their hands with the latest Ipads, smartphones everywhere and anytime even children are doing so.

Love, I made a couple of corrections in your intro for this essay.

Honestly, your intro is quiet short, you can either add a couple more sentences r elaborate your thoughts and ideas on the subject.

Also, as you write the next few sets of your essay, mind the following;

- sentence construction, this will keep your readers to read through the entire essay

- word choice, make sure that the words you use in your essay is understandable in order to send your message across

- be objective

- mind your linking verbs, tenses and your subject should withstand the idea throughout the essay

- Proof read and spell check all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country. [2]

- As such, people today seem to choose continuing their studies in abroad because of...

- However, in the past, this trend haswas not popular since they think that studying abroad is difficult.

- As far as I'm concerned, this trend also has drawbacks, but many beneficial effects tend to superiorsurface .

- On the oneother hand, several people in the past are likely to study in their own country because they think it is difficult to gain .

- For instance, people who choose to continue their studies, automatically they doare not afraid of all things that they will meetencounter in their universities like culture because they know the atmosphere in their universities.

- As a result, while they feel comfortable studying in their countries, they cannot explore more about themselves and their cultures since they just meet with people from their own country.

Daniel, I worked with a few sentences in this essay and you will find the corrections, I hope they will help.

In writing, make sure that the words you choose connotes with the idea and thoughts you want to impart to your readers.
This way, your readers will not only understand your essay but will also continue following your articles and that will give you good feedbacks.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Information technology changes the way how people work today [2]

- In most cases, this change leads plenty of individuals to finish their works in workplace from their home or while travellingtraveling .

- As such, I personally believe that advanced technology ensures some people to be more flexible and enjoyableenjoy working although being unhealthy lifestyle is a considerable challenge for lots of personspeople .

- Not only this, it is also a viable solution to teach students who prefer not toattendedattend at class of lecturers whilst students are able to report their research by email.

- As a result, because of technology personspeople now have many alternative ways to do any activity as well.

- For instance, many individuals now spend length of theirlengthy times just sitting in front of computer to browse the internet or using their smart phones from day to day.

- Consequently, some suffer the rare disease from their habits which are , poor exercise throughout the whole period of their life.

Iqbal, your essay on Information technology advancement is very good, well elaborated and constructed well.

It is indeed amazing how IT transformed over the past years, it has advantages that most of us didn't expect.
However, the disadvantages are far greater than we expected too. People are relying on technology more than themselves, this can sometimes result to low self esteem and even depression which triggers death.

Good job on your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / How much do drivers spend on petrol? [2]

- The line graph provides information regarding the amount of petrol spent people spent in two different countries and it is measured in the percentage of income.

- Overall, what stands out from the graph shows that the poorest and middle-income in USA spent more income on petrol than those was in the UK.

- However, in the UK richest people useduse much more money for petrol instead of USA's richest individuals.

- In detail, in USA poorest personsperson spent far much income on petrol than those was in the same country who had other income and was in the UK.

- In contrastcontrary ( "contrast" is use to differentiate color and clarity not opinion) , the gap between middle-income of people in USA and UK allocating budgets for petrol saw narrowed considerably.

- A closer look at the data reveals that more richestrich people in UK took income to consume petrol than USA's.

Iqbal, your analysis is quite short and as much detailed as you want to call it, I think you could've elaborated and analyzed the data further.

I hope my corrections help.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / The legislative actions on the oldest profession - Prostitution [3]

- It seems unlikely that the oldest profession in the world would also obtain the title ofas one of the most controversial.

- However, even in a century in which society has changed many traditional viewpoints, the legalisationlegislation of prostitution...

Nicole, there's not much correct in your introduction. I hope the corrections above helps.
However, mind the following points;

- spell check, turn on your spell check all the time

- proof read

As you go on with writing, mind the following;

- your linking verbs

- the proper use of has, have and had...

- tenses

- sentence construction is not an issue, you were able to construct your sentences very well

We look forward to the next part of the essay, post it here on EF so we can help out.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Percentage of British people giving money to a charity. [2]

- At first glance, it is evident that the biggest contribution to charity saware people aged 36-50 in 1990.

- However, in 2010, people aged 51-65 gain a massive increase.

- According to the bar chart, it is shows that the proportion of British people experienced a dramatic increase from the age 18-50,...

- The percentagespercentage of British people stood at around 16 percent (18-25), and then it increased dramatically at some 44 percent (36-50).

- Moving to a more detailed analysis from the bar chart, it is reveals that generally the percentage of British people giving charity experienced a slightlyslight incline in 2010.

Daniel, this analysis is as detailed as it can be, so good job!!
I have made a few very minor corrections, also please mind the following;

- "percent" is one word

- when referring to an ongoing action, use the present form of the verb

Keep writing

Cheers!!!