Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree: Educations nowadays is more difficult than in the past [2]

Here are my suggestions:


As usual, whether or notDetermining whether educationeducations nowadays is more difficult now than in the past is always a challenging issuedifficult .


I don't think you need this sentence. I would omit it.


This sentence needs to be shortened or broken into smaller ones. I'll demonstrate:
I believe that education today is more challenging than it was in the past due. Others who agree with this view point to distractions and lack of parent involvement as reasons why today's education suffers.

I hope that helped a little!

Essays / 'The Odyssey' - Beginning my term paper; How do I begin? [4]

Hi, Lionel. Here are some questions to help you form your thoughts:

1. Do you think the humans control their own fates in The Odyssey, or do you believe that the gods do it?

2. Why do you believe what you believe in question #1? Give examples, citations.

3. If you assert that humans control their own fates in The Odyssey, what does that say about the gods? Are they really powerless, just a realm separate from our own? Or do they control some things but not others (like the weather, but not our decisions)?

4. If you assert that the gods are in charge, what does that say about them? Are they benevolent, mischievous, foolish, etc.?

5. What does The Odyssey say about the author and the people alive during his lifetime?

6. How is The Odyssey relevant today? What can it teach us about ourselves?

I hope that helps you some. In the future, it would be helpful for you to explain your thoughts briefly before asking for help. That only helps us help you more precisely :)

Scholarship / Questbridge (full-ride) Scholarship Essay [2]

Here are my thoughts on your essay.


The second "sentence" isn't a sentence - it has no verb. Here's how you could reword these two sentences:

In middle school and all throughoutThroughout my adolescence, I was constantly being told that high school iswas THE place . The- the place where you finalize the foundation of thefigure out what type of person you want to be and where you create the roadmap offor your life.


"Throughout" is not the best word here in my opinion. Also, this is passive voice. Try this:

People tend to develop theirYour career goals, interests, and morals are developedthroughoutduringyourtheir high-school careers .


Try not to start sentences with however. I think these two sentences can be combined into one.

However, noNo 13- year- old really listens and grasps this foreshadowing information. No 13 year old is prepared for theirhas the capacity to understand how life is about can evolve right before theirhis or her eyes.

I hope that helps you some!

Writing Feedback / 'a perfect balance' - Country must invest equally of art and military. [2]

Here are my suggestions:


The militaryMilitary and the artsart are the two different but most vital partcomponents of any developed country.


The artsArt showsserve as a way for a society to highlight itsthe cultural development,whereaswhile the military showsdisplays a country's level of security development of country .


Between art and military, as author suggested,Although both should get equal preferencesbe priorities for a society , but in my view, country should give slightly higher preferences toI believe that counties should invest more in their militaries than art due to following reasonsthe arts for several reasons .


First, the military protects the country and isare thea symbol of a country's security.


BasicallyThe development of the military development also signifiesusually goes hand-in-hand with the development of a country.

I hope that helps you!

Undergraduate / Harvard Supplement: Role of Medicine in my Life [4]

Him soniap55. Here are a few suggestions


I don't think the commas work here, but admit the sentence is awkward without them. This is what I recommend:
My searches took me fromincluded basic anatomy, to life support, toand the Glasgow Coma Scale and beyond .


"Stay" needs to be "stayed" and "experience" needs to be "experienced":
In tenth grade, I staystayed in the hospital for a couple of days, where I experienceexperienced health care through the patient's eyes.


"Check" should be "checked" and "ask" should be "asked":
After nurses checkchecked my vitals, I askasked them to stay and talk to me about their jobs.


Don't call your questions stupid, especially in an application essay! "Answer" should be "answered":
They graciously answer my (often stupid)answered my questions.


"Shadowing" implies watching a person, so "shadowing surgeries" doesn't sound right. Don't use casual slang phrases such as "horribly cheesy" in your formal writing. Here are my suggestions:

For years I dreamed of shadowingviewing surgeries and shadowing doctors;and, as horribly cheesy as it sounds,finally, my dream came true.


I think many of the commas are unnecessary. If I were you, I'd reword this:
I experienced and viewed many aspects of medicine, including tumors, CT scans, and frazzled nurses.

I hope that helps you some!

Letters / My recommendation letter for a Miss entry to the postgraduate course [2]

Hello! I'll gladly help with your grammar and word choice.


"Due to" is not quite right here. Here's how I would stay this:
Due toHaving witnessed her strong work ethic and sense of professionalism, I feel confident in recommending her to your school.


Since you're describing the entire time frame when Ms. XXX worked for you, you should leave out the word, "began." The sentence fragment that stats with "As" can be combined with the sentence to give a unified thought. "Management" should be lower case. I'll reword some other things to improve the style. I'll show you:

Ms. XXX began workingworked for XXXX.Co.Ltd infrom July of 2014 until the end of August 2015 . Asas the company's managementManagement trainee of this company .


"Maximizing" is not the best verb for all three of these tasks. Let me propose a different way to say what you want to say:

Her main duties involved maximizing salesales , fostering staff development, and improving customer service.


"Moreover" is not necessary since you have an "also." "Takes responsible," "coordination," and "supplier" are the wrong form of the words to use here. Let me demonstrate:

Moreover sheShe also takes responsible abouttook on the responsibility of working with the personnel department, coordination with suppliercoordinating with suppliers, and analyzing sales.


I think I understand what you're trying to say. Let me suggest you say it like this:
Throughout the work Ms.XXX contributed greatly to the well-being of my company during her time herecan support me very well .


She can help me tohelped the company achieve its six-month salessale target 6 month continue and she trainand traineda lot of potential staff for my store.

I hope that helps you some!

Poetry / Literary Analysis of "Sir Gawain and The Green Knight" [2]

I'll help with parts of your essay.


The title of the story need to be in italics. Also, you need something to link the part of the sentence ending with "romance" and the part of the sentence starting with "the code of behavior." I had to read about the "beheading game" to understand what you meant by that term, and I'm not sure I understand. It may require more extensive explanantion. I've reworded the second sentence for you to improve the style, but consider what I said about the "beheading game."

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight is a late 14th century Middle English chivalric romance ,that profiles the code of behaviour that was expected from knights. It is oneOne of the best known Arthurian stories, the plot is told in sections, the first of whichand is of a type known as the " beheading game."


I'll help improve the style here:

It is an important poem in the romance genre ,; in this genre,which typically involves a hero typicallywho goes on a quest.


This is much like the quote in your essay prompt, so I think you need to give credit to Larry Benson. I'm not an expert of citation styles, so check your guidelines. I'll do my best, but double check. Here's my suggestion:

As Larry Benson in Art and Tradition in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight notes,At the beginning of the poem, "Gawain in a reversal of the pattern of romances, |...| starts as a perfect knight"Gawain starts the story "as a perfect knight," but later he" moves downward."(1996).


During which passage? Be more specific. Here are my suggestions for this sentence:

During thisIn the provided passage, the Green Knight who is actually the lord of the castle explains that he knows all about Gawain's kissing and flirting with his wife; we learn thatbecause he planned it all.

I hope that helps you a little!

Writing Feedback / If a goal is worthy, then any means taken to attain it is justifiable. GRE. [2]

Hello. I'll help you with your style.


Try not to start sentences with "however." Here's an alternative way to write that sentence:

However, it is about howHow you go about achieving that goal is what reallythat matters.


"Supermodels" should be one word. There should be a comma after "bodies." You don't need "even." Let me show you:

Women all over the world fawn over super modelssupermodels and their amazing bodies, praying even that they can attain a similar look.


"Work out" should be two words. I'm going to show you how to combine these two sentences into one to improve your style.

Setting a goal to have a certain body type iscan be a good thing because it gives you motivation to workoutwork out and eat healthy, which we all should do.;However,it is when this goal becomes obsessive and you begin to starve yourself because theto lose weight is not coming off that isthat the means to achieving the goal become unjustifiablenever justifiable .


The goal is to love yourself,and accept yourself at any size, and not to harm your body trying to achievefor a look that you may never even attain.


This sentence doesn't go with the theme of your essay. How does letting a potential spouse slip from your life represent using extreme, unjustifiable means to achieve a goal? I think you need to "connect the dots" better if you use this example. Reading ahead, maybe what you meant to convey is something like this:

Another example of using extreme methods of achieving a goal is when someone tries to recapture the attention of an old flame by trying to interfere in his or her new relationship.

I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / Can all people justifiably break laws that they think are unjust? GRE [2]

Hi, I will help you with some of the sentences in your essay.


I would omit the "however" and "totally," add a "with before "agree," and add an "are" at the end. Let me demonstrate:

I cannot , however, totally agree with this statement for it seems to imply that everyone can justifiably break laws that they think are unjust.


"Gainsaying" is not a word I'm too familiar with. I would just use "denying" here. "Limit" should be plural.

First of all, there is no gainsayingdenying that laws are incomplete and have holes in them because human cognitive ability has limit.limits.

You could also shorten it and write it this way:
First of all, there is no denying that laws are incomplete and have holes in them because human cognitive ability has limits.


This sentence is wordy. I'll show you how to improve its style:
Yet sometimes when some bills pose a challenge to some people's cherished conviction, they may regard these acts inequitable, even contravening the moral code.When people face financial pressures, however, they may view certain laws as inequitable.


I think this should be reworded to improve its style.
For example,One example of a passed law that has proved difficult for some people to accept is the law permitting homosexual marriage law has successively been brought into effect in many countries .


Out of religious belief, manyMany people consider it an unjust and immoral law.given their religious beliefs.


Except for this, abortionThe abortion law is another controversial issuelaw all over the world.

I hope that has helped you some :)

Writing Feedback / The ability to achieve social harmony should be a major goal in every school. GRE. [2]

I can't give you a grade, but I can edit some of your sentences:


This is a run-on sentence. Let me show you how to improve its style:

Given the difficulties students will face when they "go out into the world," it is important for them to learn how to beBeing competitive and striving to be the best of all that you want toin order to achieve their goals and gaingives you confidence in who you are, and students need this because the world is not a easy place to live in .

I suggest that you add a sentence after this one explaining that, although the preceding sentence is true, it is also important for students to learn to work in harmony with others. Here's an example:

Despite this, learning to work harmoniously with others remains a key skill students need to master in order to be successful in life.
_____________________


I think this could be rephrased to improve its style. Here's my suggestion:

Yes, howeverIt is possible, butall schools and parents would have to work diligently to achieve this as well as parents .

____________________

I have to go, but I hope this helped you some :)

Writing Feedback / Shopkeepers vs skateboarders issue - response letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner. [2]

Hello. I think you need to rephrase your essay a little in order to better answer the question prompt. It asks you to come up with questions that need to be answered in order to decide if the letter writer's recommendation will produce the desired result. If I were you, I'd add a sentence to your first paragraph saying something to this effect:

There are several questions that need to be answered before determining whether the letter writer's recommendation will produce the desired result.

Then, your following paragraphs could address each question or point you want to raise about the issue.
__________________________________

Here are technical modifications I would make:

Your sentence: The author posits an erroneous, misleading conclusion, which lacks a proper causal analysis of the issue, on whether the increase in the number of skateboarders is indeed the reason why there has been a decrease in the number of shoppers.

This is a run-on sentence. Let me show you how to fix it:
The author posits an erroneous, misleading conclusion , which lacks a proper causal analysis of the issue, onabout whether the increase in the number of skateboarders is indeed the reason why there has been a decrease in the number of shoppers in Central Plaza .

___________________________

Your sentence:The author puts that there has been an increase in the amount of litter and vandalism in the area.
"Puts" is a strange verb to use here. Let me suggest an alternative:
The author putsnotes that there has been an increase in the amount of litter and vandalism in the area.
___________________________

Your sentence:However, it is not made clear on whether the skateboard users are responsible for the deeds.
Try not to start sentences with "however." I'll show you how to avoid this:
However, itIt is not made clear onunclear whether the skateboard users are the ones responsible for the deeds, however .
____________________________

Your sentence:Moreover, there lacks a reason to say that littering and vandalism are the reasons that invited the diminution in the number of shoppers.

This is a bit wordy. Let me improve its style for you:
Moreover, there lacks a reason to say thatis no concrete evidence that littering and vandalism are the reasons that invited the diminution in the number of Central Plaza shoppers have declined .

_____________________________

I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / 'Who do you want to be' - My answers would vary daily, from baker to ballerina [6]

Hello. I'll help with your word choice and style.


You don't need "a" or "amount of." Let me show you:
It's a question every child is asked a countless amount of times.


You need another descriptive word for the "life-changing decision." Try not to end sentences with prepositions if you can avoid it ("around"). Here are my suggestions:

Although young, I couldn't help but feel the weight of the approaching life-changing decision I would have to make when it came time for college came around .


The second half of this sentence is wordy but incomplete. Let me suggest a way to improve its style:
It wasn't until I stopped the search and simply took a look right in front of me, at my personal doctors, otherwise known aslooked at my parents, both doctors, that I arrived at my decision .


You should omit the word "have." Let me show you:
Growing up with both my mom and my dad as doctors have made me a different type of student than most of my classmates.


There needs to be a verb in front of "a strict work ethic;" "a need to" should be omitted; and a verb is needed before "an intense desire." I'll demonstrate:

I learned at a young age to uphold a strict work ethic, a need to excel beyond average, and cultivate an intense desire to help people.


I think you need to clarify what "this" is. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "this." Here are my suggestions:

Realizing this,my passion for becoming a doctor made the path to medicine not only the obvious choice, but the only career that would truly fit.

I hope that helps you a little :)

Writing Feedback / Food Magazine Article; Describing the difficulties of feeding a growing world population. [3]

Hello! I'll help with your grammar.

____________________________


This is not a sentence. You need a verb to make it a sentence. Also, "beings" needs an apostrophe since it's possessive.

"Vital basic need" is wordy. Let me show you how to improve the style here:

One of human beings' favourite obsessions is food,something we not only love, but alsoand vital basic need for survival.

__________________________


I think the ideas in these two sentences should be combined into one sentence to clarify your meaning. Also, I think you rely on exclamation points too much. People will not take you seriously if you use so many exclamation points. Here's how I would write this:

When societies began to industrialize by developing factories, houses, apartments, and shops, it reduces the amount of land available for agriculture; this means that there is less food production, a potentially serious problem.

___________________________


To make matters worse, the population is rising quickly ;, which means foodthis also negatively affects food availability is the biggest hazard .

___________________________


By 2050, expertsExperts have estimated that the global population towill exceed by a million !by 2050.

You typed "million," but that is too small. Check your sources. Do you mean a billion?

_____________________________

I hope that has helped some :)

Research Papers / Research paper on college athletes. Basketball prospects at schools. [2]

Hi. I'll help with the punctuation and grammar in your paper.

________________________


I would omit the word "will." We know that they do these things - it's not something that will happen in the future. It's something that happens now. Here's how I'd write this sentence:

Fans will spend countless dollars on travel, tickets, and apparel to support their favorite schools.

________________________


You need commas on either side of the "in some cases" phrase and can delete the comma after "players."

They cheer on players , and, in some cases, donate large amounts of money to show support.

_______________________


Let me help you improve the style of this sentence:

College athletes need and deserve more financial help because their sports help bring in money for their schools and the NCAA ,and make having a job unrealistic ,;andadditionally, many athletes come from struggling families.

You could add a little to the part about athletes coming from struggling families, like this: "...struggling families, who may even need financial assistance."

_________________________


I think you need to clarify what "it" is. Here's one way to do that:

In fact, it is a violation for players to benefit financially from their sports; doing so wouldand can make them ineligible to seek or receive any benefits.

___________________________


You don't need the "would." Let me show you:

Many schools would report that they do not make money from their sports, but it is speculated that some schools move funds in order to reduce profit reports.

____________________________


The "said" at the beginning of the sentence should not be there. There should be a comma after "University." Also, I think your citation is missing either a date or page number. Check your citation style guide - I am not a citation expert.

said Michael Leeds, a professor of economics at Temple University, said, "Schools quite often move around or spend money to basically get rid of excess revenue -- what would be called profit in a profit-making corporation,"(Strachan).

_________________________

I hope that helps you a little :)

Graduate / SOP for MS in Software Engineering with work experience [3]

Hi, vmath. I'll help with parts of your essay.

______________________________


I was always fascinated to knowinterested in understanding how the characters that we type on the keyboard were interpreted makingmade the computer do interesting things.

___________________________


I'm not familiar with "class 7th" and "class 11th." My guess is you mean 7th and 11th grades. Here is how I would write these sentences:

Eventually I was introduced to JAVA in class 7th7th grade .To further this interest, in class 11th11th grade, I opted fortook Mathematics with Computer Science, where I learntlearned the C++ language and basic concepts of Object Oriented Programming.

______________________________


I securedearned a 90% marks in Computerscomputer class in both class 10th and class 12th10th and 12th grades. .

________________________________


I'm not sure what you meant by "viz." Is that an abbreviation for something? I would leave if off unless you can clarify its meaning. I'll assume that you meant the second sentence fragment to be connected to the first sentence. Here's how I would write this sentence:

The highly competitive environment inat my school stimulated me intellectually, and madeleading me to participate in most of the computer science competitions viz : Insuch as QUANTA (an international, annual school festival where I got my first global international exposure).

What do you mean by "first global international exposure?" You became well known around the world? You became acquainted with people from around the world who also love computing? This is unclear and should be clarified. Here are two ways to write this:

...annual school festival where I first became known globally for my computing skills .

or...

..annual school festival where I first met other computer enthusiasts from around the world.

__________________________________

I hope that has helped you a little :)

Writing Feedback / What measures could be taken in an attempt to intergrate lawbreakers back into society [2]

Hello. I will help with parts of your essay.


It's best never to write, "My essay will..." Instead, just use words to say what you want to tell the audience. As an example, you could reword this sentence like this:

There are several strategies that can help criminals assimilate back into daily life.


"Most straight way" is cumbersome. Try not to use the same word in the same sentence twice. Try this:
Obviously, the shortest and most straight wayquickest and most effective way to transform criminals is to transformchange their way of thinking.


You've already used the phrase "introduction of moral education," so I suggest modifying that part. "Mind" should be pleural. Also, "crystallize" is not the right word here. Here's how I would write this:

The introduction of moral educationThe teaching of morals will not only crystalizeraise awareness in prisoners' mindminds about the callousness and brutality of their misdeeds, but will also reshape their behaviours to adhere tothe social principles and norms.


This sentence is too long (run-on). Let me show you how to improve its style:
Although psychological transformation is such a life-long mission, not to mention some difficult occasions when prisoners may fail to resist the temptation of re-committing crimes, the efficacy of this measure far outweighs that of the mainstream corporal punishments. Unfortunately, there are times when prisoners fail to respond to this method and require other techniques to learn how to reintegrate into society.

I hope that helps you some :)

Undergraduate / How my activities can allow me to become a great enginner - applytexas topic c [2]

I'll help with the grammar in parts of your essay.


I've always tried to do my best to achieve my dreamDreaming of a my future asbecoming an engineer who can able to change the world into a better placesplace, I've always tried to do my best in order to achieve this goal .


TheProcessprocess oftobecomebecoming an engineer may put me into a challengewill be challenging , but I believe that I will be prepared, having takenpreparing to face those obstacles by taking rigorous classes and involving myselfhaving participated in various extracurricular activities such as leadership academy can make me to overcome them, which will allow me to succeed in college and become a successful engineer .


In an academic side, I have mostly taken Pre-AP and AP classes, received a solid GPA, and maintained a high class rank throughout the high school, all factors that showto show myself that I canwill be able to manage the college courses well.


Taking challenging classes, such as AP Psychology, AP language, and AP physics always made me torequired spendingspend more time to study for a deeper understandingstudying than the average high school student,; this providedbut I had a good chance togood experience and prepare for the level of difficulties infor what to expect from college courses.


My love inof physics and calculus allowed me to differentiatedifferentiated me from other students.

I hope that helps you :)

Scholarship / Fmu Scholarship, The student's accomplishments, a statement on how the funds will impact his/her [3]

Hi, Doylene. I'll help you with some parts of your statement.

________________________


There are spelling and punctuation errors here. Also, I think "many tragic battles" is too dramatic. Here's how I would write this sentence:

As a Graducategraduate, I have accomplished many tragi battlesmany things , but one accomplishment that I achieved through my high school year is graducatingmy proudest was graduating from high school .

Even better, I think you should leave off "As a graduate" at the beginning of this sentence. It's a bit redundant. Here's my suggestion:

While I have accomplished much in my life so far, my proudest accomplishment is having graduated from high school.

_____________________


Let's connect these ideas better. I'll show you how (and fix some spelling and punctuation errors):
everybody in high school looksLike everyone, I looked forward to graducationgraduation day, I was looking forward to graducation myself , but I had a higher goal in mind.

___________________


I think you need to shorten this if you want to make it one sentence. Here are my suggestions:
I wanted to be an over achiever and take three classes online withon top of my already packed schedule; at the begining, I didn't know how I was going to finish those classes and all seven period with a full adgenda of assignmentsdo it all .

_________________________


Try not to start sentences with "but." I'm going to improve the style of this for you:
butKnowingI knew that no goal was ever too hard for me to accomplish , and that failure wasn't an option ;,so I kept my mind set on the biggerbig picture.

_______________________

I hope that helps you some :)

Scholarship / 'research skills, dedication and heart for justice' - MPH/MSW Personal Statement [2]

Hi. I'll help you with a few sentences:

___________________________


"Me" is not a subject word, so instead of saying "...where me and five other German students...", write it like this:

It was late evening at Ngare Nanyuki High School, a small boarding school in rural Northern Tanzania, where me and five other German students and I were studying for four weeks in the summer of 2008.

You could also say it like this:
It was late evening at Ngare Nanyuki High School, a small boarding school in rural Northern Tanzania, where me and five other German studentsfriends and I were studying for four weeks in the summer of 2008.

___________________________


"With the intent" is wordy and a little awkward. Try this:
With the intentIntending to comfort her, I leaned in for a hug, but my friend quickly jerked away.

___________________________


"Obeyed" is not the right word here. Try this:
My friend's sexual activity and possible pregnancy defied the strict Tanzanian principles which the High School obeyedendorsed .

____________________________


You don't need an "a" before "taboo." Also, "possibility" is not quite right here. Try this:
Due to the implicit understanding that premarital sex is a taboo, there is little possibilityare few opportunities to openly discuss sexual issues.

_____________________

I hope that helps a little :)

Writing Feedback / Contrary to Velleman's opinions, I believe that our society is not expressive enough! [4]

Hi, I cannot grade your essay, but I will give you feedback on some sentences.

__________________________


I would omit the exclamation point to be taken more seriously:
Contrary to Velleman's opinions, I believe that our society is not expressive enough !.

_____________________________


Let me reword this to improve the style:
There are still many who are forced to keep their thoughts and feelings private, especially those fromwith mental health issues, due to conflicting social stigma .

____________________________


He is now dead, so you need to use "was" instead of "is":
Andreas Lubitz iswas one of those people.

____________________________


Try not to start sentences with "however." Also, you don't need the dashes. Let me show you how to write it without them:

However, heHe hid this information from his employer -in fear offor fear of termination on grounds of mental illnessmental sickness-; tragically, heand continued to fly for Germanwings.

____________________________


The verb tense isn't right. I'll show you how to correct it:
If Lubitz washad not been economically pressured to keep his depression private and had sought medical attention for his illness, the Germanwings crash would not have occurred.

________________________

I hope that helps you some :)

Research Papers / New species of Hoplolaimus. [2]

hanhbich, I will help you with a few things.
______________________________

Be sure you italicize the genus/species names you mention. For example:

The genus Hoplolaimus was established on a single female of H. tylenchiformis recovered from a mud hole on Banco Island in the Paraguay river at Asuncion, Paraguay (Krall 1990).

__________________________

Check your citation style. My guess is that the years you mention should be in parentheses. Here's an example:

Nearly 90 years later, Handoo and Golden ( 1992) reviewed 29 valid species of Hoplolaimus genus. Again, check which citation style you're using and make sure you adhere to it. The way you've done it looks unusual to me, but admittedly, I am not a citation expert.

_______________________

Let me reword some sentences to improve their sound:

The genus Hoplolaimus was established with the discovery ofon a single female ofH. tylenchiformis recovered from a mud hole on Banco Island in the Paraguay river at Asuncion, Paraguay (Krall 1990).

Recently, Ali et al. 2009 described a new species, Hoplolaimus puriensis, which was closedclosely related to H. seinhorsti and H. indicus.

To date, there have been only two species, H. seinhorstii and H. chambus, reported in Vietnam, H. seinhorstii and H. chambus( Nguyen and Nguyen 2000) .

It was found frominbanana plant rhizosphere soil of banana plants in Bach Long Vi Island, Vietnam.
_______________________

I hope that has helped you a little!

Writing Feedback / Is using humor the best way to approach difficult situations and problems? SAT October 2009 [3]

Dawn, I cannot grade your essay, but I will help you with some style issues.
____________________________


Since the dawn of time, humans werehave hadused to resist the pressure and to cope with sticky situations ,usingwith jokes, humour and jacularjocular comments.

Alternatively, you could reword that sentence like this:Since the dawn of time, people have used jokes, jocular comments, and a good sense of humor to deal with life's stresses.

__________________________________


It's seems that humorHumor is a straightforward, deep, and meaningful enough to solve problems regarding its witty and metaphoric stylecoping mechanism .
________________________


Martial ,( the early Roman poet) , epigrams and Moliére's plays, and well-known epigrams all demonstrategive us solid evidences from history and comedy art about how effective humour is in managing life's difficult times .

_________________________________

I hope that gives you a head start. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / College expectations, before attending it [4]

Hello. I'll help with word choice and grammar for a few parts of your essay.

_________________________________


This is a bit awkward. You have two choices for how to correct it:
I love the idea of going to college.
Going to college should be something one wants to do.

_____________________________


The second "sentence" is not a complete sentence. Let's try combining them to make the whole thing sound better:

This means a total freedom.:Freefreedom from parents' guidance 24/7 , freedom to liveliving on my own, freedom togot to decide what to do and not to do.,In college, you are fully in charge of yourselfalso have a full control of myself .

____________________________


Let's re-combine these two thoughts to improve the flow:

Honestly, I was truly excited about all of these aspects of college lifeback then. Until- until I realized how hard are the TOEFL and SAT tests would be;thenand I then started to doubt myself.

_______________________________


CanI thought to myself, could I actually survive there?

"Survive" is very dramatic. What about this?:

I thought to myself, could I really thrive there?

_______________________________


All the worries started to creptcreep intoto my mind and scare me to death .

"To death" is too serious and intense in my opinion, so I'm taking it out of your sentence.

____________________________________


My first priority The first thing that came to my mind when it comes to expectations is,was to survive. Having fun is number two.was less important.

"Survive" is a very dramatic word and may give the impression that you are not emotionally mature enough for college. How about saying it this way?:

My first priority was to work hard, pass the exams, and succeed in college; I decided that having fun was less important.

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I hope that has helped you some :)

Graduate / Tanzania has changed me into a new person - MPH Statement of Purpose from International Student [4]

Hi, I will help with grammar and punctuation in a few parts of your statement:

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This is a run-on sentence and needs to be broke up. Here's a way to do it:

It was late evening at Ngare Nanyuki High School, a small boarding school isolated from urban infrastructure, located in rural Northern Tanzania.,where me and five otherFive German students and I had beenwere studying for four weeks in thethat summer of 2008 .

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A power generator was buzzing afar, athe sole source of electricity to providefor the school's classrooms; without it, there would be nowith light in order for the students to study even after sunset, making studying at that time impossible .

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I was sitting outside one of these rooms with a newfound friend, a young girl only a few years older than myselfme , when she suddenly started to sob uncontrollably.

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You do not need to describe how her words struck you as being important - the reader is smart enough to figure this out himself. I'm going to take that part out entirely:

I began to fathom the magnitude of her words when sheShe told me that she recently had unprotected sex with another student and was now afraid of a possible pregnancy or infection with HIV.

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In anWith the intent to comfort her, I leaned in for a hug, but my friend quickly jerked away.

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Let's reword this to make it "sound" better:

My friend's knowledge of HIV was rudimentary; she did not know that it cannot be transmitted through a simple hug.

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I hope that helps you a little :)

Undergraduate / 'The pain is temporary' - David's United States Naval Academy Personal Statement Essay [4]

Hi, David. I'll help you with your essay:

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I grew up with parents thatwho encouraged me to strive for the best and not settle for anything else.

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My father was always tellingtalkedme about his experiences in South Korea with the army.

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He showed me that the military is a great place to start out one's adult life.

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When I was younger, I went on camping trips with the Cub Scouts;and when I was old enough, I became a Boy Scout.

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I became a Patrol Leader and took a course called National Youth Leadership Training,;whichthis taught me how to effectively lead and teach.

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I hope that helps you some :)

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyse an Issue. Scandals are unfair and inefective. Instead, promote changes by debate. [3]

Hi, joaodimas. I'll make a few suggestions to your essay:


ItSeemsseems that the wayways of democracy and political engagement are too slow and ineffective.


Networks of corrupt politicians and private organizations are continuously nurtured with the appropriation of public funds, andwhich perpetuates their power and influence.


Thus, scandals may seem to be a practical way of calling the votersvoters' attention to issues and urging them to mobilize.


Cases of corruption should be judged by investigation and trial, without interference of theby public opinion.


This is not the case when a scandal is used by the press to manipulate against a politician or party,;becausereputations have already been damaged by the timethe damage of reputation is already done when a tribunal finally gives the sentence.

I hope that helps you some :)

Letters / Readmission Letter Appeal Help, Withdrew without Suspension [2]

Hi, mattmac. I think your letter is already great, but I can make a few suggestions:

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This sounds a bit dramatic to me. Although I'm sure you're not trying to exaggerate, it sounds like you are. If I were writing this, I would leave this sentence out. You've already explained why you were struggling; there's no need to hammer it in with this sentence. Remember - you are training to regain their favor...Mentioning "sense of mortality" might scare them off instead.

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I would stop the sentence at "loss" and leave out "as a self-prescribed..." "Self-prescribe" has negative connotations (I immediately think of "self-medicate" using alcohol or drugs). The sentence will convey the same meaning without negative connotations if you stop at "loss."

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I would not use the word "refuse" - it sounds too negative. How about this: I take full responsibility for failing to be proactive when there were steps that could have been taken to limit the damage I did to my academic reputation.

I think I'd reword the end of that sentence to make it flow better. Here's a suggestion:
I take full responsibility for failing to be proactive and seek out the help I needed .

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OK, I need to stop there, but I hope that has helped you a little!

Essays / Research for Reservoir Engineering - topics choices [4]

Vagif,

I know nothing about Reservoir Engineering, but I'm going to ask you some questions to get started on your paper:

1. Who is the audience for this paper? Are you writing this for the engineering community or the general public? The words you choose and the paper's structure depend on the answer to this question.

2. How does Reservoir Engineering help society? Why is it worth writing about?

3. What are some challenges we face when it comes to Reservoir Engineering? The expense? The effect on the environment? Nothing in life is all good...What are the negatives associated with this field?

If you're doing research for the engineering community, consider look at engineering journals for your research. Do you have access to a university or graduate school library? The librarian may be able to help you find good sources for your work. Also, check Google - I think that's what I would do first if I was writing this paper.

I hope that helps you a little!

Writing Feedback / One should imagine first and then get knowledge; Imagination is important that knowledge. [3]

Junisha, here are my suggestions:


Knowledge and imagination is hands on handsgo hand-in-hand in any line of work.


People generally imagine based on histheir knowledge. This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I think it should be reworded. Perhaps this is what you are trying to say?:A person's capacity for imagination often correlates with his native intelligence.


Almost all innovation has happenbegins with with imagination,;but behind that imagination is almost always extensivethere was a handful of knowledge.


In the above suggested line, I do not completely agree with the author withfor the following reasons.

I hope that helps you a little :)

Graduate / One of the biggest challenges I had to face as an EMT involved dealing with an uncooperative patient [3]

Hi, lightfox. I LOVE editing for grammar, but I will do as you request and focus solely on your content this time :).

Asking about someone's greatest challenge tells something key about a person. It shines a light on your weakness, but here's the key: your weakness is your greatest strength. Think about it. This is true for anyone, in any profession.

It's interesting that you chose to focus on your time as an EMT for your biggest challenge. You didn't have to do that. You could have focused on high school drama, family conflict - anything. The fact that your biggest challenge was in the healthcare setting tells a lot about you. It says: here is someone who is creative enough, bright enough, persistent enough to make it through life without too many challenges until she met the seriousness of disease and illness.This says, I TAKE MEDICINE SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE!

So, I think you've chosen a wonderful focus for your essay. How to make it better? OK...

To me, intelligence is a measure of how quickly someone can reduce his or her stress level in an uncomfortable situation and still creatively solve a problem with the skills that he or she knows best. So, if I were you, I would focus on the following:

(a). What made this situation especially stressful? You presumably had been trained as an EMT to handle life-an-death situations...Why was this particular situation difficult for you? Is it because the patient was alert, unlike other patients you'd seen? Is it because other patents are so out of it that there's no negotiating treatment? This lady was alert enough to argue with you. Is that it? Spend more time highlighting why this was hard for you.

(b). Talk about why it was important for you to maintain your cool and come up with a solution. What were the stakes here? Could this lady have died if you hadn't been able to convince her to go in your ambulance? Could she have suffered permanent neurologic deficit? Was it important to keep her calm in order to avoid further neurologic injury? Or to ensure the driver made it to the hospital without crashing the ambulance?

(c). NOW, THE BIG PART! Talk about how you quickly devised a solution to the problem, using your native intelligence to creatively come up with a solution, your training, etc. It sounds like you were able to reach a solution by talking to the patient, reassuring her, etc.

(d). Talk about how the skill you learned while learning to be patient with the most difficult of patients taught you an important lesson that you will carry forward into your medical training. Remember that physicians serve their patients, so patient a picture of how you are ready and able to serve - even the crankiest, rudest patients out there. You know they need help and you are uniquely suited to help even those who are so sick they can't be polite.

I hope that has helped you :) Best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Windows on Williams - My Neighborhood and its impact [5]

Hi, Yvette. I'll give you a few suggestions on how to shorten your piece:

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Suggestion: My childhood was spent in Burnet, Texas, a tiny, run-down, depressing neighborhood consisting of old dingy homes and lifeless plants seem quite depressing .

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Suggestion: The area lacked diversity; only Hispanics lived there.

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Suggestion: Some people often refer my neighborhood as "ghetto" or one of those bad neighborhoods you would not let your child walk alone in . I can somewhat agree, but I personally believe it just needs improvement much like other things in this world.

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Suggestion: Most children , as well as teenagers in my neighborhood , tend to follow in their parents' footsteps,of not finding education important.

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I hope this has helped you a little!

Writing Feedback / Scandal are good for development because they inform people better than a good informer. [2]

Hi, Junisha. I'm going to help a little with your essay.

___________________________________


My suggestion: Rather than state right upfront that you disagree with the statement, it's better to use your words to paint the picture you want to present. I'll give you an example of how I would do it if I was writing this essay:

High profile scandals have a complex effect on society. On one hand, they have the potential to inform a large number of people about potentially serious problems. Many would even argue that it takes something as serious as a scandal to keep some people honest. There are, however, quite negative consequences that arise when big mistakes become public.

________________________________________


My suggestion: Scandals can impede the very health of a country.

________________________________________________


My suggestion: Often, scandals involve countries' finances, and can potentially hamper their economic growth.

________________________________________

I hope that has helped you some :)

Essays / Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best [4]

joey7lee, Carol's suggestion about an outline is a great one. Another way to approach this task is to think about why it is that power attracts the worst and corrupts the best. Why do you think this is?

I'm going to ask you some questions and talk a little to help you think about it:

Being in a position of power implies that you shoulder responsibility, correct? Wouldn't you even argue that it's a bargain, a compromise? The more power you have, the more responsibility you are expected by society to shoulder. The less power, the less responsibility.

People want leaders who care, correct? In fact, they don't just want it - they expect it. Leaders who don't care are subject to the wrath of the people, right? Revolt, overthrow, etc..! Look what's happened throughout history when powerful leaders act like they don't care. So, it's a real bargain, not one to be taken lightly.

People who take this bargain seriously are going to think long and hard before accepting a position of power because they know that that position will mean added work and stress. Who wants added work and stress? It's natural to not gravitate to these things.

So, what kind of characters and ethics do the people who accept positions of power have? The more powerful the position, the more polarized the type of people who want/are willing to accept that position. Very good...or very bad. People who are eager for positions of power are concerning, because eagerness implies that they aren't taking the bargain seriously.

What do you think? Can you find examples in your life, books, history, etc. that back up these ideas? I think you can, and that would help your essay, too.

Good luck!

Research Papers / What's The Truth? Ralph Nader vs. The Automobile [2]

Hi, nicolew. I'll tackle a few grammar and style issues at the very beginning of your paper:

___________________________

There are many people who feel that Nader was the biggest push fordriving force for the development of better safety standards, and muchmany fewer who don't believe his arguments (arguments about what?) were valid.

1. I think "driving force" is a more eloquent way to express your thought than "push." I also thought that "development" needed to be added to complete your thoughts.

2. Use "many" when the item you're modifying is something easy to count, like the number of people who don't believe Nader's arguments are valid.

3. Given what comes next, this sentence may be better off rephrased, something like this:Many people feel that Nader was the biggest driving force for the development of better safety standards, although there are some who argue that his arguments about car safety were invalid.I am assuming here that the arguments you refer to are ones relating to car safety. Change it if I'm wrong.

_________________________

Although lawyer and political activists bring upthere are many convincing points (many convincing points about what? You should name what their points are. Are they that Nader's theories about car safety were wrong?)brought across by the lawyer and political activist , there is sufficient evidence to prove that his arguments (you may need to explain what his arguments were about. Were they about car safety?) were invalid, and the proof he used to back up his accusations was fabricated.

I rearranged the first sentence to change it from passive voice (where the subject of the sentence is not the one/thing doing the action) to active voice (where the subject of the sentence is the one doing the action. This is almost always preferable in writing.

_______________________

Ralph Nader's book, Unsafe at Any Speed: The Designed-in Dangers of the American Automobile had a substantial impact on thepublicpublic's awareness of the automobile industry's safety standards, and the effects of his labors can be seen today ;.however, it It must be acknowledged, however, that he was a lawyer , notrather than an engineer ,;and many of his claims were unfounded and some were inaccurate.

1. Be sure to italicize or underline book titles.
2. Public needs to be possessive, so I added a " 's " to it for you. I also preceded it with a "the."

3. The end of your sentence was too long, so I divided it into two sentences and broke up the second one with a semicolon. I think this groups your thoughts in a more logical way.

_____________________

I haven't read your whole pager, so maybe you get to this later, but you've making some pretty bold claims about Nader's book that I feel need references. It's one thing to say, "Some people argue that his research was invalid," etc., but it's another to assert it as strongly as you're doing. Just make sure that you can back up your assertions of wrongdoing with solid references. It's not good to strongly accuse someone of fabricating data, etc. without evidence.

Research Papers / Hillary Clinton Research Essay: experience, presidential run, moderatism and widespread appeal.. [3]

Hi, Zhou1801. I'll address some parts of your paper:

In our nation's history, there have been few elections that narcissistic politicians have not dubbed, "The most important election in history."

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Although the upcoming 2016 presidential election is perhaps not going to carry as much historical weight as thoseis not the election of FDR, Kennedy, or even Lincoln, its importance should not be understated.

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Correspondingly, this begs the question, "Who?".Who?

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Clinton's potentially historic status as the first woman nominee by a major party,combined withher near ubiquitous name recognition,amongand her many other qualifications make her an undeniably attractive candidate for the 2016 nomination by the Democratic Party.

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Hillary's decades of experience beginbegan even before her years as an author, Secretary of State, presidential nominee, and New York Senator; they date back as far as her years in the White House under the first, and hopefully not last, Clinton administration.

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As first lady, Hillary took an unprecedented role in policy reform, the gender equality movement , and international diplomacy.

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One women's empowerment magazine essayist even suggests that, "Hillary Rodham Clinton has been acknowledged to be the most openly empowered presidential wife in American history, save Eleanor Roosevelt" (Rajghatta). (I am not yet knowledgable enough about citation styles to confirm that you did this one correctly. Some require dates and page numbers - you may want to ensure that this one is compete, as is).

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LikewiseIndeed , Clinton took on multiple roles in government beyond those of herthe traditional duties of a first lady .

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Appointed head toof the Task Force on National Health Care Reform, Clinton was tasked with nothing less than "creating a national healthcare reform plan" ("Hillary Rodham Clinton") ,.(Again, check that your citation style is OK. I'm not sure.) Hillary gained first-hand experience in leading national policy, making and creating reform at the highest levelslevel of government on one of thea key issuesissue which still facefaces the nation today.

I'll stop there. I hope that helps you a bit!

Writing Feedback / In addition to the money from retirement, people should get more governmental support [5]

Hello, shawnxk. I can't answer your question about IELTS score, but I do have some more suggestions on how to make your essay sound clear:

Today,populationPopulation ageing has becomebecomes popularan important issue in many countries. Although I accept that people should save for retirement, I do not agree that the government doshould not need to provide any assistance or public service to the retired people.

As working adults pay taxes to the government, the government has the responsibility to provide healthcare and state pensionpensions to them after they retire. Retired, elderly people often have no income and theytherefore may face financial difficulties because of the rising cost of living costs . ItThis means that they may not be able to afford basic needs, such as food, housing, and healthcare... In this situation, people are more confident inabout their futurefutureslife and, therefore,they are more willing to consume. ,; thiswhich plays an important role in the economic growth.

...An ageing population means thatconsists of less working people who are working and payingpay taxes and more retired people who are retired and receiving areceive state pension...

In my view, people should save money for their retirement life , while the government should also fund their basic living needs afterthey during the retire.retirement years.

I hope this has helped you!

Essays / "Desribe the room you are in" - IGCSE FIRST LANGUAGE- DESCRIPTIVE ESSAY [3]

Hello. I'll also add to Trias's thoughts.


"Mocks me down to" is a bit awkward. I think there could be a better way to phrase your sentiment here. Try something like this:The tomb I am in mocks me, confirming that I am but an apology of a man.


The cell is not huge, and yet, it is not small; it seems perfect for five people ready to die.


No external lightslight reaches into our eyes due to four windowless walls that enclosesenclose us. You go on to say that you do have a little bit of external light through the pipe, so you may want to think of another way to state this. Maybe something like this:The cell is exceedingly dark. The four walls that enclose us are windowless.


The only light we do see iscomes through a pipe that leads outside.


The drawings are not ofwere not made by mad men; instead, they are more ofwere made by men who haveregret.regrets.I'm assuming that you're describing the people who drew the pictures. If you were instead trying to describe the pictures themselves, I would phrase it like this:The drawings do not depict mad men; instead, they depict men who have regrets.


Her dress is pretty, heher hair is short, and her smile is haunting.


On the wall behind, there is a drawing of a tombstone with 'RIP'"RIP" scratched upon it.


The wall opposite my friend Pietro is marked with a long poem that we take turns to readreading as we get ready for the final hour.


The last lines read as follows:" I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."

I hope that helps you some!

Writing Feedback / Future World - Process Description Paper; Abstract [2]

Hi, diz. I'll work on the first paragraph for you:

For our final project, my group has decided to go with the 3rdthird(I think you could get away with writing "3rd," but I am more confident about recommending that you spell it out as "third") situation.

The year in future is 2065.;Ss cientists on Earth discover that there is extraterrestrial life that exists in universe . TheDd etectors have received radio waves from another, advanced civilizations and every citizen on Earth can tune in to listen. On the other hand, since we intercepted their radio waves,The aliens are not yet aware of us. Once the scientists published their findings about aliens, the whole world reacts vigorously to the issue. Government, citizens, and media all have different attitudes towards this astounding news. Later,In the future world, we alsofindlearn that the government has concealed the fact that they have already contacted aliens as early as thein 1950s ., but purposefully concealed this information from the public for decades.(I moved this last sentence from the following paragraph. I think it belongs here.)

Therefore, inFor our project, we decide to used a scrapbook to includedisplay newspaper clippings to presentthat reveal what life is like in our future world. We prepared our project documents in many different languages in order to show how news of extraterrestrial life would be shared all over the world.Becaus e this issuehas worldwide , we will write indifferent languagestoo . We chose to present all these findingsour project in the form of stories fragmented in newspaper clippings , because we believed that these clippings were especially suitable for showing readers how future people with different perspectives maystories can directly tell readers howthe world reacts to the discovery of extraterrestrial life from different perspectives and what the fu-ture world will be like .

I hope this has helped you some!

Essays / To Live and Let Live [3]

I'm going to add to lcturn87's thoughts about your essay.

To me, "live and let live" encompasses more than just living the way you want, regardless of what other people think. I think this statement is also very much about how we judge other people's choices (not just how they view ours). To me, "live and let live" embraces the idea of tolerance and acceptance, as long as other people's choices don't impact your life. People who "live and let live" believe that other people can make choices they themselves might not make, as long as those choices don't impact others.

For example, if you chose to worship a carrot (I know, it's a silly example) in the privacy of your own home, a person who embraces the "live and let live" philosophy would say to himself, That's pretty ridiculous...I would never worship a carrot, and I don't want my children worshiping carrots...but since he's worshiping the carrot in the privacy of his own home, it really doesn't impact me, so..."live and let live."

I think there are lots of benefits of having this type of philosophy. Being tolerant of lots of different views means we all have a higher chance of living in peace. Maybe this type of philosophy also opens our minds to new possibilities.

There are probably drawbacks, too. It may work if people made choices in the privacy of their own home, but what if these choices "leak out' of the home, and do end up affecting those around them? Also, is it really OK to accept anything and everything, as long as it doesn't affect anyone? Maybe the choices have a negative affect on the person making them, and outside society is required to step in and intervene?

I hope this helps you think more about your topic. It sounds interesting!

Undergraduate / Camden, a city of poverty, violence.. - PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

OK, I'm back to work on your statement some more:

My freshman and sophomore yearyears of high school weren't really the best. You are using the word "really" a lot, so I'm going to omit it from this statement. It's important to vary your word choice.

________________________________

I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. I wasn't really sure of myself. I really didn't know who I was as a person. I didn't think I was good enough. I was lost and nobody understood me. There's a little bit of repetition here. Let me suggest a way to present all of these ideas without sounding repetitive:I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. More importantly, I wasn't even sure of myself. I didn't know who I was as a person, and I doubted whether I was good enough to accomplish much in my life. I felt lost like nobody understood me.

_____________________________

Sometimes I often wondered to myself why me, why did I get put in to this situation. There were days were I thought my life was over. There were days were I cried myself to sleep. My recommendation is to omit these sentences. You've already spent a lot of "word time" in the preceding sentences describing how life was really bad for you at this point. In my opinion, this is where you need to show how things turned around for you.

________________________

I always had to remind myself of one thingthat, for every dark night, there's a bright day after thatto come .

__________________________
Up until my junior is when I actually knew who I was as a person. This sentence is unclear. Are you trying to say that things turned around for you in your junior year (junior year of what, by the way?). Here's how I would phrase that:It was around the time of my junior year of ? that life started to improve. It was then that I came to truly understand who I am as a person.

__________________________

I have hadI discovered that the years and years of hardship I faced in my early lifeexperiences that completely shaped my perspective and the person that I have become. It made meI came to realize that there's no harm in trying (trying what? to achieve one's goals?) . I became a stronger person because I wanted to be stronger(do not end a sentence with a preposition) . I started to believe in myself. Now, I appreciate the things that I can do. Only by taking risks and doing absurd(brave? I wouldn't use "absurd" - it has negative connotations) things, I can achieve the impossible.

I hope this has helped you!