Undergraduate / Descriptive writing : A outdoor festival in winter in a cold climate [7]

Instructions:
For each of the following scenes, write a description paragraph, covering as many senses as possible. Think about your own experience in such events.

No wind, no cloud, just subzero temperatures. Piles of frosted brown leaves, innumerable flashing fragments shine in the brilliant wintry light. Even the leaf stems lie white and sharp. Ahead the path glistens like white quartz, yet ice crystals on concrete wall is all it is. All this beauty over everything dead.

Down below, the houses are empty, but the village is all alive, bustling with festivity, warmth and noise. People of all generations walk through the streets, clad their usual blue, fur-rimmed parkas and brown leggings. But tonight, they wear their headbands and sashes, which are painted with the bright colours of summer : Red, Green, Gold , Blue, Yellow, Crimson, Emerald and auburn.

The hustle and bustle of chatter, cheers of celebration ; tantalising smell of warm stew, fry meat, caramel desserts wafted the air. The village emitted golden glow. Tonight, a few hours, people can experience the joy that usually exists beyond boundaries of winter. The joy, the warmth, appreciating the warmth of the sun and it's blessing's of fire ; subsistence in the midst of the icy overcast.

Can tell me how I did compared to my previous writing?
I welcome negative comments. If possible try reading my previous thread and compare to tell me how should I improve. Thanks !

Writing Feedback / Descriptive writing : A street market in summer in a hot climate [4]

The street market was the apotheosis of all market, huge, standing to the sky for what look like eternity in all directions. I stepped outside into the porch and into the sun, I felt as if I had stepped bodily into an oven set to broil. The heat of the day was already bad, sapping any energy I had to spare, but stepping into the sunlight was far worse. The sun was so intense that I actually I looked at my own arm to see if my flesh was crisping under its relentless rays. I can't believe how unclean these streets are here, probably far worse than the outskirts of Africa. The ground sits low against the water, so whenever there is a storm , the lakes probably floods all the streets lining the shore with dirty, sewage-contaminated water. Every place was faded and pockmarked. As for me, I never liked the markets, as there are always crowds of people and an excess of noise. Each seller invites customers with loud slogans and advertisements about their products. I crinkle my nose at the smell ( smoky lanterns, grease ,sewage) then I realize, if I had to pass my test, I'll have to act like I am used to the smell. Parents were gripping a hold on their infant's hands, moving in all directions, pushing, shoving ; fearing that they might be separated and lost. Everything is changing, constantly shifting form. The deafening chaos did somehow kept sustained. One thing I awe of these places is how it exists despite the rapid information and technology development of out civilizations, fulfilling it's primary historical reason - the exchange of between buyer and seller.

Tell me How I did , I welcome negative comments

Writing Feedback / Journal on The Ice Master as Bob Bartlett [3]

"What is truth?" said jesting Stefansson, and would not stay for an answer. Stefansson was ahead of his time. For 'truth' itself is an abstract noun, the madcap Canadian anthropologist and Ethnologist went ahead in search of the truth he believes - the lost continent under Arctic - Atlantic.

I , Captain Bob Barlett, hired to aid this journey. Along with us were the ' scientists ' , a formerly screenwriter and a mariner. Stefansson, the gasbag , repleted with ego, was nothing more than a wolf in sheep skin.

The crew, betided in presage of what lies for them out in the Arctic. The ship, was an extra dismay. Few of Stefansson's main man had cold feet, by accounts, another of their breed. Zephyr was constant. Sometimes abashed the men. Jennifer Niven, the screenwriter , much of a recluse, didn't share the neurotic of the many. Bartlett, the mariner, his predilection for literature and women wasn't known by no one.

January 10th, our luck ran out. Karluk lifespan ended. With a deafening roar, the ice smashed through the ship's hull, water gushed in, the ship slowly decleived. A stream of invective came from the captain's mouth, and behested to abandon ship.

It was in the middle of the dark smoggy night, some of our fellow crew took their last breath of chilled air. Their face drained, their eyes lost their souls. I closed them and prayed. Bartlett, in owe of his energetic spirit and esoteric knowledge only a couple of us survived. Niven's- account- always alive to the nuances of human strength and weakness- is the strongest as she reaccounts the tales of faith of previous voyages. On a faithful day, a numbered lucky 13 people survived the tyranny, sadly our captain, a honest, fearless, reliable, loyal and everything a man should be , couldn't pull it through.

Narrowly did i escape from the jaws of the freeze monster, I would never step into it again. I cannot deny the truism of thought that many people will continue this icy path, and we will be the forerunners and exemplifiers for them.

Can anyone give me suggestions for this essay? I welcome negative comments.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay : Singapore during Japanese Occupation [3]

The first incendiary bomb exploded at Bukit Timah Road on February 11, 1942. It was just how many miles away from my commodious house at Penang Road. Of course, I wouldn't have remembered these things, I read them only years later. Bater then, I was like any other 5-year-old kid, who cared only about when my next cartoon was screening, or only thought about playing with friends on the field. I lived in a luxurious house, we had everything we ever wanted. Grandpa named it ' Eden ', I never knew why. Maybe it was that our house was surrounded by lovely trees. Everything was harmonious until one day when our lives turned topsy-turvy.

At dusk, my mother woke me up , yelling: Wake up ! . Repeatedly at my ears like an annoying mosquito. I tried to cover my ear but she swept it away and pulled me up. Being half awake, i slowly walked towards the bathroom to do my daily business , when suddenly I was pulled back again and walked through the corridor to the living room. I loafed around, knowing nothing of what's going on. I saw my parents with the anxious look rushing in and out of the house with bags. My granpa was of no exception, he was racing as if old age hadn't hit him yet, it made me wondered if he was faking the whole time.

Having everything loaded, we hoped on to father's flashy vintage car. I was rather excited, wondering where we were going. When we left for the highway. I saw what shouldn't be seen in detail for any five-year-old. The neighbourhood was in total chaos. Dead bodies lay everywhere, a limb here and another limb there. It was unerving, the smell of death was everywhere. Buildings were burning, some turned in to ashes. It was like a macabre dream. The air was repleted with cries and screams. I closed my eyes, not wanting to remember these eerie things.

The next memory was at the country side, uncle was welcoming us with hugs. For once, I suddenly discovered how beautiful this place was. Fresh air filled my lungs, the wind gently caressed my skin. It was simply wonderful. I scanned the surroundings and saw a well and yelled into it.

Evening came, I curiously watched my parents placed sandbags behind the door.I asked why, but I received a grunt from them. They looked aged as if they lost their souls.

"HIDE!" Mother exclaimed.

My brother and I quickly hid under the bed. We had no idea what was going on. Then suddenly, I heard the door knocked. I ran down to have a look. When I was just about the catch a glimpse , mother covered my mouth and jerked me backwards.

"Get away from the door ." She whispered
"But..." I echoed
"...."

the throttling sound faded away, mother exhaled and let go of me.

How much would I get over 30 ? Is my essay kinda long winded ? how can I improve? Thanks! I welcome negative comments.

Writing Feedback / Cambridge CAE exam Writing [2]

You have watched a documentary about what causes young people to start committing crimes. You have made the notes below .
Write an essay for you tutor discussing two of the reasons on your notes. You should explain which cause you think is the most important for young people committing crimes and provide reasons to support your opinions. Word count : 220-260

The notes I chose
"Lack of control by parents"
"Absence of opportunities in life"

These days, crimes are having a rampant progress. It is getting much more unsafe out there. Research shows that the cause lies within our love ones - teenagers.What causes them to commit crimes ? Is anyone else responsible or just the aggresor ?

'Like father , like son', this quote is widely known, yet , doe anyone of us understands the weights of it ? It simply mean that whatever a parent does, a child follows. So, this can be the founding cause of teenage crimes. Parents today do not bother their kids much, they let their kid decide what do they want to do. Consequently, when the kids reach their teenage life, they are impossible to be controlled by their parents, they try means and ways to achieve what they want. Papers whos that most theft, bulgaries, vandalisms are done by teenagers. They act like they want.

However, some say that the reason of committing crimes is the lack of opportunities in their lives. I think that it is simply ridiculous for one to say that ! Yes, even though the chances for games and entertainment may not be around. But if one says that these are the cause of crimes, it is simply unacceptable. The kid has the opportunity to choose ! He can choose not to violate the laws ; he can choose to find a way around things. Committing crimes are not needed. I believe that the lack of chances don't give birth to crime but crime gives birth to chances of opportunities being stripped away.

"Don't let things control you. Control them"

I do deeply believe that discipline is the key to crimes. Parent's strict, firm disciplines are necessary, so does the disciplines within themselves. If one person has strong self-discipline, teenage crime will dwindle.

May I know how much I may get out of 20 ? And how could I further improve this ? I welcome negative comments. Thanks !

Writing Feedback / Fiction Writing - adventure with an unexpected but happy ending [4]

Hey Everyone , tomorrow I will be having my english checkpoint examination , so i wrote this essay to see how far i have achieved. Anyone have any tips on how to get ideas for fiction writing during exam ? i struggle a lot.

Write a story about an adventure that a small group of young people have, with an unexpected but happy ending. Try to show how the group work together and make it exciting for the reader.

Jodie woke up to a beautiful morning. Wriggling out of her sleeping bag, she unzipped the door of the tent and gazed out at the sun-lit trees and grass. She took a deep breath, it was finally she was able to wake up a fresh, quiet morning. Unlike those back home where honking cars and pollutants rule the morning. The grass's aroma was thick , yet refreshing. Jodie then start a fire to prepare breakfast for her fellow mates, Jim, Jack and Rosaline.

After a whole hearty meal, Jim and Jack decided to explore the forest, aiming to find the specimens for their science experiments. Jodie and Rosaline pack their belongings and followed them. Around an hour walk, the crew decided to have a break, they sat at the spot they chose respective spot and had a talk.

"Aahh! " Jim cried.

Jim yelled as he fell into a depression. It hallow but Jim fell like a sumo wrestler who lost his balance. Jack bursts into laughter while Jodie and Rosaline giggled. Jim felt something paper-ish in his hand but had no idea what was it. " Light please, " asked Jim. Jack shown a torch light, Jim climbed out of the hole and turned to grab a clearer look. All of them falbbergasted. What was in it blew their mind-Hard Cash! Something flickers, Rosalina yelled : "Diamonds! "

"We are rich ! "
Suddenly, Jim felt a blow at his head. "Aahh! " and the lights went off for Jim.

Jim woke up, still aching from the blow. He looked around. His friends were all tied up with zippers. Two men with hug body build were collecting the loot in to their black bags. Commonsense tells Jim that those people weren't here for fun. Quickly, Jim held his hands in a prayer position and thrusts them backwards with full strength. The zippers snapped. He picked up the walking stick from Jodie's backpack. Then delievered a fill blow at the back of the man's head. His partner cursed and pointed a handgun at Jim. Jim froze and lifted his hands high up. A shadow lurked behind the man, Jim grinned. " BANG." The man fell on the earth below.

"You owe me one." Jack said, holding a frying pan in his hand.

Without wasting much time, Jack and Jim freed the girls and they escaped out of the forest. While they were out, Jack ranged the police: " Come now Quick ! Two robbers are hiding in the forest." Without further ado , she ended the call. Each of them went back to their respective homes, Exhausted yet satisfied.

The next day the press showed " Two robber caught by the unknown." Jim and the others smiled.

How much do i get out of 30 marks?
can anyone give suggestions on how to get ideas ?

Writing Feedback / Fiction-Writing : The story about leaving home for a while [9]

Hi everyone ! please take time and read my essay. I struggle for this topic and scored very badly in the examination.
kindly help me by giving me some ideas and improvements . ( i welcome negative comments )
Some people have to leave their home for different reasons.
Write a story about someone who has to leave their home for a while, and how this person feels about the experience.
Try to show how his or her emotions and feelings change through the story.

"I'll be back." , Tom said before he left home.

Little did his family know, that his voice will not be heard for years. Tom left home on the day he was called to serve the country, he was assigned to be a medic for the army thanks to his qualifications in the medicine area. Every month, he would write a letter home , but his letter never came for 3 years , the army claimed that he disappeared. Jim wasn't convinced.

Jim left a note.

" Mom, I am going to look for Tom, it has been too long since his last message, I will be back shortly."

He had never left home before, not like this. Jim took with him a gear of his essentials. He was engulfed in a spiral of depression, total darkness filled him, the moment he stood out of the door. The sky started to gloom, dark clouds gathered. Jim took a train and went. Deep within him, memories of him and Tom together surged him inside. Nothing could come between them, but with each passing mile the memories start to fade.

A fog of sleepiness overtakes him. His eyelids closed.

The next memory was him going through the custom to board the plane. Jim's face was that of stone. He stares at the passing clouds outside the plane windows. He cried. In his mind , he only thought of . .

Jim peeks into his brother's room.
"Are you coming back ? "
"Of course ! It will be a short one. " Tom replied.
"Can I help you pack ?"
"No..No.. It's fine" Tom answered.
"Remember to write to us ."
" I will " Tom smiled.

Jim smiled. The thought of him being alive and smiling, always gets him going. Jim arrived in Normandy. It was cold and rainy. Jim held his family photo , gazed at his brother. Warmth surrounds him, making him warm inside.

"I am coming. Wait for me. "

Jim pressed on.

I got only 4/7 for content and audience.
4/5 for Text structure
3/5 for sentence structure
2/4 for volcabulary.

Please help me .. My exam is next week . ..