Writing Feedback / Trying to get into my dream school - essay on importance of having clean water [3]

Hi iSasha,

It is a pleasure to be working with you today. I like the fact that your grandmother inspired you to continue advocating for the access of clean water as a human right. I wish you success in your future and in this specific scholarship.

Here are my suggestions for your essay, and I hope they are of help to the betterment of your essay.

I like how you begin the essay by picturing what it's like to not have access to clean water. You did a great job there. However, your first paragraph is too lengthy, and there is no thesis statement. I would like you to leave the picture of the dirty water there, and introduce a thesis statement where you write about life without water, the benefits of clean water, and a charity that your support - all in one simple sentence. Why a thesis statement? Because the thesis statement tells the reader what the following paragraphs will be about. Also, you spent a lot of time talking about how your grandmother was an advocate for clean water, and you spent less time talking about the benefits of having clean water. I would like you to revise your essay.

In the first paragraph, cut down some of the giveaways, and instead focus on writing a thesis statement that is clear and to the point. You can also mention your grandmother here if you want to.

In the second paragraph you can write about life without water.

In the third paragraph you can write about the benefits of accessing clean water.

In the fourth paragraph you can write about the charity, what work they are doing, and why you think it's important.

In your fifth paragraph you will write up a conclusion that sums up your ideas and leaves an impression on the reader. It is imperative that you write a conclusion, because it will close it up and not leave the reader with questions.

I hope this information helps.

My best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Scholarship / Gained Information - AAS - How did you choose your proposed course and institution? [2]

Dear Fatmajanna,

It is a pleasure to be working with you today. Reading your essay was quite motivating. I like the fact that you want to continue your studies to impact your country as a whole.

Although I like your essay, I feel like it's divided in two parts: The reason why you chose this degree and school. What I would recommend is uniting both answers together. For example, in your thesis statement, which is at the end of the first paragraph, write why you chose this degree and about the school you chose. This will help the reader a lot.

I have an example thesis here: "I want to impact the world by developing technologies that will enhance Indonesia's oil production, and University of Queensland will allow me to accomplish that goal. " Do you see how you have both answers in this thesis statement? What will follow are the two paragraphs, which you already have.

Now, I have a comment on the reasons you chose the school/s. Personally, your reasons are too vague. Anyone could have written your same answer. I would like you to spend some time to do research on both of these schools that you chose. What kind of program do they offer that will allow you to finish your career as a Petroleum Engineer? What do both of these schools have that appeals to you? Are the schools making an impact in any way? Think of reasons why you chose both of these schools. It will strengthen your essay even more.

As a final thought, I want to add the importance of a final and concluding paragraph/sentence. Do not leave your essay open like you did on this essay. Instead, write something unique or what you hope to learn or accomplish. Tie your ideas back together so the reader has an understanding of who you are.

I hope I was able to help. :-)

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Essays / Motivation to get a travel grant to Frankfurt School Of Finance. [8]

Good morning Abbukanithi,
"This is an opportunity to showcase your creativity and innovative thinking."

The sentence above says it all. Sit down with a blank sheet of paper, and write down whatever you feel regarding this grant. What is it that inspired you to proceed with this step to apply for the grant? Why would attending this grant help you? Why should you be the one attending? What do you have that makes you unique to the program and how will you contribute to the program?

After writing things down, you can take this the creative route. You can create a story based on the stuff you wrote. Make it fun and unique. Don't worry about what the judges will think, and you will begin writing freely.

As an example, one day I wrote a small 250 word essay imagining myself inside a rocket hat was lifting up to space, and in time, it reached outer orbit. I then wrote that the grant they were providing me was going help me with my dream of becoming an astronaut. This case doesn't apply to you as they are asking you to state why you should be the winner, but it's an example of how creative they want you to be.

I hope this information helps.

My best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Research Papers / Research Paper Draft - Pros and Cons of Social Media. Not finished would like fb so far [2]

Dear DCole,

I hope you are doing well. So far you have done a very good job in content and essay structure. I do not have any negative comments about the draft, only a few grammar mistakes, which I have fixed below. I didn't read the draft part at the beginning, and I was left open-ended when I finished your essay. Then, I realized that this was just a draft, and that you will have more information coming.

I can't wait to see the pros that you list for this research paper. Please make sure you are certain on how to use citations in your essay and in the works cited page. The following website has a lot of information regarding citations. The link will take you to Purdue's website for MLA citing, but you can look in the same website for APA style if that is what you should be using. Please refer back to your assignment to find out what kind of citing you need to provide.

owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/02/

While I was reading your essay, I noticed the over used word: Many. Please look through your essay and try to change the word for its synonym or find a way to connect sentences without having to use the word too many times. Here is a Yahoo answer that provides many synonyms for "many people" : answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081109052216AAYkBsl

First paragraph
... has exceeded our humanity., " This was said bysS cientist Albert Einstein said . Many different ...

Second paragraph
... Many people post personal information on sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. ...

... For example, a lot ofmany people like to post about ...

... error there are also examples in which these sites are actively compromising the privacy of the people who use their sites. ...

... By agreeing to Facebook's terms and conditions, a user is giving them the permission to access and use all of their information. This information can be used for things like commercials to get other users or advertisements for things they feel you may be interested in.This information can be used for commercials and advertisements geared to a user's specific interest. ...

Third paragraph
... Another negative side toof social media is the wide ...
This form of bullying can only be accomplished by way of social media sites. According to a study doneperformed by TeenSafe.com,"C lose to 34 percent of students acknowledge that ...

... Todd was a 16-year-old girl from British Columbia, Canada.thatShe committed suicide on October 10, 2012. Her suicide was a result of cyber bulling, stalking, and blackmailing from someone she met in an online ...

Fourth paragraph
... productivity at work and school. These sites are being used while at work or school and can be a major distraction.
In 2009, Morse, an IT services ...

Fifth paragraph
Viewers of these post begin to believe that their life is not as ...

Sixth paragraph?When you upload your essay again, please separate your paragraphs with a space in between.
... Many of these sites give the option to "like" comments, videos, and pictures ...

... A " June 2014 survey from the statistics company StatPro found that," 68% of people share information on social media to define their identities." (Daly 1).

... when a user seeks validation when they post ...

Scholarship / Leadership Experience and how it made me a good leader. (Scholarship essay) [4]

Hi!

I think I made a few edits on your essay that helped you cut the word count. You can remove the first sentence of your essay. You can remove the beginning of the third paragraph as well. And for your third paragraph, you can delete one or two details to lower your count.

Essays / Essay for admission committee of physical therapy assistant program [3]

Dear Justin26,

I am quite sure that you have many experiences that you could write about to impress the committee for admission to the program. What worked for me when writing essays like these was getting a sheet of paper and writing down many experiences that happened in my life.

A Physical Therapy Assistant provides direct patient care in a variety of settings including hospitals, clinics, rehabilitation hospitals, etc. The therapist provides exercise and massages in the treatment of patients.

A few questions to help you with your writing:

Why are you interested in applying to this program? Why are you interested in a program that provides care to patients who are ill? Where did this interest come from? Is there any experience in your life that motivated you to pursue this career of physical therapy? Did you have to care for someone in the past, which motivated you to pursue this career?

Since you don't have any expertise, I would make this essay personal and let the committee get to know you.

I am sure you have experiences and anecdotes, but you have to write it down in paper and open up to the writing process.

I hope this helps. I am here to help you further.

Scholarship / Leadership Experience and how it made me a good leader. (Scholarship essay) [4]

Dear Abbukanithi,

It is a pleasure to be working with you. I love this essay and how you took charge to lead the team into greatness.

Please make sure you read the essay more than once and ask yourself if you fully answered the questions posed in the prompt.

Here are my thoughts and corrections:

... This is the experience when I was working on my startup, 'Vedic'.I don't think you need this as a starting sentence. You are giving it away by saying where you gained the experience. Instead start with a little history or a catch phrase, and in your thesis you can state where you where a leader, and how it helped you. Just a thought. ...

... Once, my friends and I shot an award-winning short film but were unsuccessful in publicizing it and showing it to the world. On further research, I realized that this problem is faced by many students across various collegesmany students across various colleges faced this problem. . ...

... I created a portal to thefor colleges and my primary aim was to create a platform for the students where they cancould show to the world what ...

... and business plans. SlowlypP roblems started to pile up on our heads as we had to launch it with a good marketing plan, expand our team, and develop the ...

... A few months later I took the stand and started working on the team. ...This sentence is a little distracting. Instead why don't you say: "Right away I took charge of the team." Something along that realm.

... calculating risks of taking decisions, and inspiring for ... your team members are the most important things that affect any enterprise.

... As we launched our website, I had to talk to different people for collaborations., had to crack deals and on the run,The last sentence is not formal. ...

... I used to give the team certain goals, fix up a timeline and always shared the vision with them. ...This is your ending sentence. I would rather end with a final thought on how this helped you become a better leader or something regarding your growth. ...

So far the essay looks great. I would start the essay with a little history, and then write a thesis stating what you did to help others and influence them. I would also end with a final thought, not leaving the reader wanting to read more. Try to sum it all up and write a small conclusion at the end. It will help with closing the essay.

I hope I was able to help.

My best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Writing Feedback / "Shining stars in the dark skies" Should money be spent on space exploration? [7]

Hi Behieli,

If you borrowed that sentence from National Geographic, it would be best to add it as a quote. Remember what plagiarism means. I am not sure how these tests check for plagiarism, but if you are taking the exact wording said by a company, a person, or anything really, then you have to give them credit. If you don't want to add a quote, then you have to come up with an original starting sentence.

In order to avoid plagiarism, you can fix the sentence like this:

... "Shining stars in the dark skies have haunted men's minds for thousands of years," National Geographic said. ...

Please also note the following error on the sentence you wrote. You do not need "been" in here, unless you write by after haunted. Please see my corrections below:

... Shining stars in the dark skies have been haunted men's minds for thousands of years. ...

Are you saying that shining stars in the dark skies have been haunted BY men's minds for thousands of years?

Or are you saying that shining stars in the dark skies have haunted men's minds for thousands of years?

Look at the words I am adding and omitting in each sentence.

It was a pleasure working with you.

Best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Writing Feedback / "Shining stars in the dark skies" Should money be spent on space exploration? [7]

Dear Behieli,

It is a pleasure to be working with you tonight. I like this essay very much because it relates to my field of study. :-)

Here are a few corrections and questions regarding your essay:

... Shining stars in the darknight skies have been haunted men's mindsmankind for thousands of years. ... The sound of "man's mind" just doesn't sound right. Please remember that men is plural and man is singular. You can say: have haunted the minds of men for thousands of years. Just a thought. ...

... Astronomers madeMm eticulous observations and mathematical calculations were made by astronomers from their observatories to trace the stars and measure the distance between them to discover the effects of celestial bodies on the callendarcalendar . ...

... obscure for years. Still, due to its expensive pricehigh cost , the necessity of space ...

... of science by providing new research grounds, from meteorology ...

... The information's gathered and transm itt ed by satellites every seconds havehas changed our lives profoundly. ... I like this part, but I think you need to add more to it. How have our lives been changed. What new techniques have grown from space exploration? What kind of research has made our lives better here on Earth? This is a bit vague. Give us more detail. ...

... Special pictures presented the humankind a whole new perception of himself, as a part of infinite universe. For these benefits it provides, world should make a worthwhile contribution for space exploration progress. ... I did not understand this sentence. I think you can erase this sentence and add more detail connecting it with your previous thought of how our lives have changed. I do understand that you are saying the following: "Space exploration has presented humankind with a whole new perception of him/herself as part of an infinite universe." I like this part, but the next part does not make sense to me.

... Nevertheless, governments have to invest ... expenses than those spent on space exploration. ...You wrote these sentences inside the paragraph that agrees with space exploration. I would move it and connect it with the third paragraph, since the third paragraph is against space exploration. Make sure you don't change thoughts too quickly in your paragraphs.

... Secondly, with the ever-increasing population of earthearth's ever increasing population and its finite natural resources, the idea of dwelling in other ...

... Even sS ome scientists like DR.Dr. Hawking argue that it is the only solution for the ever-increasing pollution of our natural environment, which will lead to extinction of all species in distant future. ... Ok, here you have another thought. You say "Dr. Hawking argues that IT." What is IT? Space exploration? If so, you are saying that space exploration is the only solution to the ever increasing pollution of our natural environment... So this is a thought that goes with the first paragraph, not the third. ...

... Thus, we can'tcannot stop science fromof its progressprogressing, but it can be wisely programmed. ...

... The investigation on sS pace exploration is an inevitable issue which gG overnments should handle it with realistic plans to not underestimate other social and economical problems people face here on earth. ...

Undergraduate / How will your education at the Art institute of Dallas will help you attain your career goals? [3]

Dear Rali6,

I hope your day is well. It is a pleasure to be working with you today.

I like the reason why you chose fashion as a career. However, I think you spend too much time talking about that and not answering the question: "How will your education at the Art Institute of Dallas will help you attain your career goals?"

Please reread your essay and ask yourself, did I answer the question fully?

I do like your introduction and how you mention the motto, "Believe, Achieve, Succeed." This is a great start. I believe this is your thesis statement: "I believe that by furthering my knowledge of Fashion at the Art Institute of Dallas will help me achieve my goals to succeed in the fashion field." If so, I would break the next line into another paragraph to let the ideas flow smoothly. You can keep talking about your passion, but I would reduce the wording and focus more on answering the prompt.

You stumbled upon this school and realized that the atmosphere is perfect: What atmosphere? What did you see in your research that interested you? Can you provide more specifics here? Be more unique. Remember, anyone could have written what you wrote.

... The Art institute of Dallas will help be gain access to more knowledge in the fashion industry ... How will the school help you gain access? What sort of program did they have that interested you? What specific here can you add to strengthen this paragraph? Be more unique here.

... I hope that the education at the Art institute of Dallas will challenge me by teaching rigorous courses which will test and challenge my artistic skills and knowledge of fashion. ... Don't hope. Be more confident here. You know! that the school will challenge you by teaching you rigorous courses. What courses interested you?

... I hope that the Art institute of Dallas will help me attain the credentials I need to succeed in the fashion industry so that I can enter the fashion field with confidence. ... This is your ending sentence for the whole essay. And it seems like a repetition from the above sentence.

Overall this is a good start. You begin with a good introduction. Now we need to work on the content and focusing on answering the prompt. Give me more specifics. What is it that the school has that no other school has. Why is the school so important to you? Make it more unique. Show me your passion as to why this school is the one!

For a good tip: Go in the schools website and research everything about your major. Look at what catches your eye and notice what motivates you as you look. Write it down. Follow your curiosity and passion and write about it.

:-)

I hope I was of help.

I am here to help you further.

Sincerely,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

"Be Thankful, Always."

Writing Feedback / Bad behavior of students creates issues in schools [3]

Dear Tiraatira11,

It is a pleasure to be working with you today. I do agree that students in school may misbehave because of the media and the environment they live in. Social media today plays a big role in people's lives. More and more kids want to be like the people advertised on TV. More and more activists like Malala Yousafsai and others who have fought for peace - are forgotten.

Your essay needs a better structure. Although I do see how you divided the essay into paragraphs, it seems a bit off. First, I would like you to build a better introduction. Better yet, write a stronger introductory sentence. Your first sentence in the whole paragraph is restating what the question says. Instead of repeating what they asked you, form your own thought, or try to change the words. Perhaps you can start with a quote. Just make it more personal and appealing to the reader.

After fixing your first paragraph, please combine these two sentences into one: ... This thing happens because of the modernization of social life which presented on television and environment where they live. I would suggest that there are two methods to solve this problem which are consultation and providing some social punishments in school. ... This is your thesis statement, but it's too long. You can cut half of the words to make one complete and coherent sentence. Remember, the reader will use the first sentences of each paragraph to them back to the thesis in your introduction. Make it easier for the reader. For example, your first sentence in the second paragraph does not tie back to the thesis. Please see these mistakes throughout your essay. Your third paragraph needs a better introductory sentence to tie it back to the thesis.

Your third and fourth paragraphs can be combined into one. Simply state in your introductory sentence the solutions to the problems - Tie it back to the thesis.

You also end with a weak conclusion. You do not conclude or sum up as you wrote, you introduced a new idea and solution. Here is the meaning of a conclusion: "Concluding. Paragraphs. Your conclusion is your opportunity to wrap up your essay in a tidy package and bring it home for your reader. It is a good idea to recapitulate what you said in your Thesis Statement in order to suggest to your reader that you have accomplished what you set out to accomplish."

I hope I was able to help. You are on the right track, but you need a better structure to make your essay more readable.

I will be here to help you further.

My best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

"Live, Love, Learn."

Writing Feedback / After reading a passage about Chinese 13-5 [2]

Dear Pitehu,

It is a pleasure to be working with you.

What is the prompt for your essay? Is there a passage that you can post so we find the similarities in what you wrote and in the passage?

Here are a few mistakes I fixed while reading your essay.

... with other decisions waswere rubber-stamped ...

... 13th Five-Year Plan ...

... the government will strengthen the supply-side reforms to prop up economyic growth ...

... lay-off storm. "... ... I don't think the use of the ellipsis is correct here. End with a dot instead.

... even though the government argues that it has ways to help the workers find new jobemployment . ...

... Imports and exports allhave tumbled. a lot ...

... all the reform policies have failed to impress. ...

... censors in Beijing deleted a passage which arguesd for the freedom ...

At the same time, in the NPC, Mr. Xi stressed the vital importance of the Constitution. Maybe this contradictory is because Mr.Xi still feels politically unsafe and wants to grip the country more firmly. Anyway, the 13th Five- Year Plan is a hard one.

I hope I was able to help.

Best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Undergraduate / COMMON APP TRANSFER SYRACUSE: I Dream of becoming a Unifying Communicator [3]

Dear Qasderwdw,

I enjoyed reading your essay and goals for transferring to Syracuse University. It is very important that you keep that dream and goal alive. :-) As far as the essay content, I have nothing to add or delete. It sounds pure and your point is direct without having to jump any hoops whatsoever. I fixed one mistake. Please see below:

... without bias. And I believe Syracuse ... You can choose to keep the word "and." It's up to you. However, I have many times been commented that in a formal essay, you should never start a sentence with "and." You can keep the word, but you may need to add a comma and in turn, it will make your sentence longer. It's up to you.

We need more people like you who want to unify our world. We sometimes forget that we are all one. I hope you are able to achieve that dream. Just be persistent and never give up! Good luck!

Scholarship / A hidden gem in the multitude of people. Work hard and it will pay off. Scholarship essay. [4]

Dear PinkyTune,

Thank you very much for the compliment. I literally broke out in laughter and feeling pure joy.

Thank you really.

Love,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Writing Feedback / Transfer Essay: Page "87" of your autobiography: "I am a pencil" [2]

Hi Ttina,

Your story is very touching. You also have strong writing skills, and you are able to pull the reader into the story.

I made a few corrections on grammar and sentence structure. Please see below:

( I am also proud that you were able to overcome so many obstacles. Many people don't. So be proud of yourself and follow your dreams. :-) )

... parents threw away their life timelifetime accomplishments ...

... everything they loved,.to comeThey came to this so-called land ...I separated this sentence into two sentences. You have a few thoughts here, and I feel adding a period will send a clearer message.

... starting with the beginning level in ESOL, which is the English program for second language students. ...

... I completed the five-levels-programfive-level program ...

... but the transition from being an outsider, back to the English mainstream, was harder than I expected ...Watch out for excessive comma usage. Commas are used to separate complete sentences.

... The list of differences between me and my peers was as long as a trip around the world. ...I LIKE THIS SENTENCE VERY MUCH. :-) Good writing technique.

... I found my standing ground in the Red Cross club and the Women in Math club. I felt mya sense of acceptance ...

... moved on, he cancould truly see how many people ...

... I turned my guilt into a commitment,that I willto carry on my brother's incomplete life and future with me. It gave me the motivation to pick myself up, and startedand to carve my way out of the shell again. ...

... only my dream,and my future, ...

... My parents said I owned my dream and that my future belongsed to me. ...Make sure you re-read for tense structure. Here you started with the past. So stay in the past tense.

... sacrifices, I wouldn'twould not have a ... It sounds better without the abbreviation.

... I am not oblige to prove to anyone anythingI am not obliged to prove anything to anyone , but ...

... the head and say,"gG ood job.!" ...

... courage, and responsibility,.She is not yet confident but perseveres within herself. ...

... consistency, and they made sure I held well. Here you have two complete sentences. You need a comma before the "and." ...

... lessons that'llthat will never ... Sounds way better without the abbreviation.

... I am The Pencil and I'mI am here to stay. I'mI am here for the long run. ... In your last sentence, keeping the I am makes it stronger.

Overall you did great. It is a pure and honest piece of writing. I am not sure what your school wants specifically, but this, I like. Good luck. I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / Tufts Undergrad Transfer Supplemental Essays (REAL Program for non-traditional students) [3]

Perhaps the stuff that you cut out is the stuff that they want to see. For the first essay, instead of raving about your friend's experiences at the college, why don't you list a few of the things you are interested in. Get into detail. You can name one research program that interests you. How will this program help you? What can you bring to the table?

Or you can name an extracurricular activity that hits your heart. While I like your enthusiasm in the essay, it just doesn't cut it. I want you to be human yes, but show me more excitement in something specific within Tufts. I am sure you can come up with either a research interest, or extracurricular activity that excites you. Just be specific about one or two things that interest you.

For example you wrote this: everyone subliminally earns a second degree in dynamics of meaningful life. How? How do you know this? How can you achieve this?

Just be a little more specific in any idea you write about. If you are interested in a specific research activity, name it! Talk about how it excites you and how it will help you achieve your goals, etc. The same goes with anything you write. Dig deeper.

As for the length, just write about one or two things that are meaningful to you and get right to the point of why it interests you.

Undergraduate / Tufts Undergrad Transfer Supplemental Essays (REAL Program for non-traditional students) [3]

Dear Kev510,

It is a pleasure to be reading your essay and working with you.

The answer for the first prompt is a bit weak. Anyone could have written that answer. To me, it seems that you want to attend Tufts because of your friends and how they rave about it. You can certainly stick with this answer, but I want you to do more research in your school's website. You name the following in your essay:

extracurricular activities, research opportunities - What extracurricular activities are you interested in? What research opportunities interest you? What kind of research would you like to be a part of?

accommodations and resources - What accommodations and resources?

The answer is too vague. Do some research on what they have to offer and implement it in your essay. It will strengthen the essay, but also, it will show the school why you are interested in them.

Second prompt:

Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today.

I don't think you answered the question correctly. Who are you today? What kind of person are you today? What experiences influenced you in the person you are today? The way your parents raised you? Your home life? Your neighborhood? Or community?

I like the last paragraph. I want you to elaborate more on it. How did your work transform into the smiles of others? What kinds of things did you do? How did you learn about passion and humanity? Give me more.

Letters / Letter to a congressman about an issue (ESSAY) [2]

Dear Aileen,

It is a pleasure to be working with you.

The essay is well written and gets right to the point. There are a few grammar errors that I have corrected. Red is for corrections. Blue are my comments on the previous sentence. Please see below:

... Molina Morales,. I am a High School... Here, you have two complete sentences. Separate them with a period. If you want to leave the comma, you need to place "and" after the comma

... I am a High Schoolhigh school student... When you write "high school," it does not need to be capitalized. You only capitalize it if you are naming the school. For example: Santaluces Community High School.

... which is dedicated to dothe activities and orientations toof the student body with the intent of inspiring morals and positive attitudes between students and society. ...

... equals $0 .2 cents; with this money,a cancer patient can ...

... my grandmother was once a cancer patient, and thanks to foundationssuch aslike Ronald McDonald, she received all the medical attention she needed.andtT oday,she is cancer free. ...

... recycling, and deposit taps ...

... such activity, and every month, My school and I will commit ...

... to the Ff oundation. ... Here you capitalized foundation, but it is not necessary to do so because you are not naming the entire foundation.

... Thank you for reading my letter and for your consideration,. If you wish to further discuss this issue, feel free to contact me. ...Please place this sentence in a separate line apart from the first paragraph. It will look better to the reader as this is your "concluding" sentence.

Writing Feedback / "It's not beauty if it can be removed with a wet kleenex." - A humble opinion essay [3]

Dear Dogaaslaner,

I like your essay very much. Is this essay for a specific assignment? Since there is no prompt, I cannot really tell what you are answering to.

Your essay content is excellent. I like how you give different examples and ideas of how different people define "beauty." I also very much liked when you wrote, "The pursuit of beauty." Because people may sometimes focus on working on their bodies and perfecting themselves so much, that they forget their inner beauty (I do believe in an inner beauty which radiates outside to the world).

Here are some corrections for the essay:

...come across a concept that'sthat has not been defined...
Abbreviating is sometimes Ok. In this case, "that has" sounds and reads better. You do tend to abbreviate throughout your essay, which may weaken your essay a bit.

...Therefore, I insist, ...
Add a comma after introductory words such as: Therefore, Moreover, Furthermore, etc.

...found on thein dictionaries...

..."be beautiful in the inside , " , ...
Commas are placed inside the quotation marks.

... "be ugly in the inside . " . ...
Same here. Commas, semicolons, periods, and other punctuation go inside the quotation marks.

I hope I was able to help you with the essay. Please post a prompt/assignment question if there is any as it would make it easier to read.

Best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Writing Feedback / Give suggestion: can clothes indicate human's character? [3]

Hi Bunglon11,

It is a pleasure to be working with you. This essay is a good start. Here are a few comments:

-Throughout this essay I see a lot of redundancy. Try to minimize the repetition of ideas or prompts, and instead, formulate your own ideas. Read through your essay and find any ideas being repeated.

You used army and corruptors to describe how a person's appearance cannot indicate character. Certainly, an army that wears the same uniform cannot indicate what their character is. Likewise this agrees with firemen, policemen, and so on. Yet I don't think this is a strength for your essay. I would stick with the idea that people can have a good dress style, like corruptors, but simply because they dress nice doesn't mean they are good people. We can assume by looking at someone that they might be important, but we cannot know what actions they carry out to the world. Perhaps you want to say this, instead of pointing out the logic of policemen, firemen, and an army. I think you need to dig a little deeper. Did you do any research for this?

For your third paragraph, you did the same. I don't think it is as strong as it could be. There is a logic that football fans do wear jerseys or that people wear their favorite color. This is not exactly character. You also included a study by Harvard University, yet you just stated the prompt once again here. Instead, what is it that the study found? Is there any data? Are there any character traits that Harvard found to be evidence that character and physical appearance are related?

Instead of stating the logic of things like jerseys and favorite colors, why don't you dig deeper and discuss how certain colors indicate a person's personality. In my example, I used to wear gray and black all of the time. It was my favorite color, yes, but it was also indicating something personal in my life. I was not happy with life at the time and felt depressed and stressed most of the time. Here, I can argue that gray and black indicated my personality. Then, when my life changed for the better, I began wearing bright colors. When I began thinking positive daily, I began using only those colors. Now that I go in my closet, I don't like picking up the gray and black colors because they remind me of a "dark" past. Now this is something deep and strong that you could discuss in your essay. Since you are allowed to do research, why don't you search for "physical appearance and personality traits." You will find a lot of information.

I like your essay. The beginning is good, and I have the corrections. But I think we need to work on the content to be stronger and meaningful rather than stating what we already know.

Please let me know if you need help finding online articles in the subject matter.

Best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - checking more news resources lead to more truthful, less prejudiced and a faster information [7]

Hi Crystal,

Using firstly and secondly won't hurt your essay. It is just very common to see it in various essays. A professor once told me, "Get right to the point!" When you divide your essay into paragraphs, usually the reader will assume that each paragraph has its own idea, and that the introductory phrases will tie back to the thesis. That is why using an outline is one of the most important things to do in writing. You have used your outline very well, so using firstly, secondly, and last but not least, is not necessary. I think using other introductory phrases or getting to the point right away and tying it back to the thesis is way more mature and shows excellent writing skills.

As you improve your writing skills, you will notice that you don't need those introductory phrases anymore. You will begin by stating your argument right away connecting it back to the thesis.

:-)

That is just a thought.

Good luck with your essay!

Best regards,

JSRL

Undergraduate / The Importance of Education - UT Prompt; Knowledge is profitable [4]

Dear cb4011,

Thank you for posting this essay. I like the way it is written, and personally, I wouldn't change any of it.

I too saw the same issues while going to college. I felt as if I was the only one who wanted to succeed in life and dream big. Many people go through their college careers thinking of the burden of college costs, peer pressure, family problems, and the need for a passing grade. Yet they forget the whole purpose of the course. Many strive for an A and stress day and night for that A, but hey, what was the purpose of the course? What did you understand from the course as a whole?

I think that people lose their motivation because of how our society is. We are controlled by what we see, and sometimes we are not aware of our surroundings. The majority of Americans don't read books.

My hopes for the future is that we teach our kids the importance of education at an early age. And like Ishita Katyal said, "Let's not ask our children what they want to be when they grow up, let's ask them what they want to be now!"

Undergraduate / Essay for Accelerated Nursing Program: describe your motivation or desire to become a nurse. [3]

Hi Keriyao,

It is a pleasure to be helping you.

You have good writing skills. I like how organized the essay is.

First of all, does this nursing program know what your previous career was? Do they really have to know that you are changing careers? Throughout your essay, you never mention what was your previous career was, and I think mentioning the career change weakens your essay. If you really want to mention your previous career, then you need to list what you did in the past, and write how the volunteering experience inspired you to change careers.

You begin your essay with a weak statement. Instead of beginning with "changing my career," why don't you begin your essay with something that will grasp the reader? This is the first line the reader is going to read. Think of something powerful, human, and touching that will grasp the reader and not make him turn away.

In your second paragraph about volunteering, you do a lot of telling. You tell us how team effort was needed and how companionship was your service. To make this paragraph stronger, I would like to see effort and companionship with actions. Perhaps you can share a story of companionship that moved you. A moment when you realized, "I love this career!" Do not be afraid to talk about a day you cared for someone, when you helped a nurse, etc. How did your companionship affect patients? Do you have an anecdote? Show the reader what you did that motivated you to pursue this career.

The beginning of the third paragraph is weak. You talk about how "low motivation" led to a bad academic performance. A nursing program or any kind of program wants someone that is enthusiastic and that is willing to learn pretty much about anything. You can change this paragraph around and tell how this program inspired you so much that you began achieving high grades by applying what you had learned. Focus on the positive side of things!

So far, you have a good beginning draft. I would like to see an anecdote, a story where you actually helped someone who needed care and how if affected them, but also how it made you pursue this career. Don't worry about the content, rather open up and show us how your passion was revealed to you.

Good luck! I am here to help.

Undergraduate / Lucky to have stumbled upon the thing that fuels my passion. UT Transfer Essay Statement of Purpose [2]

Dear HIROHUSSAIN,

This essay was very impressive. I couldn't stop reading from beginning to end. I feel your passion and love for what you do.

You did not make a mistake by writing a story. This is what colleges want to read. A real human behind the essay. A real human that has a heart and feels passion for whatever he/she is doing. I love how you found your passion at the age of 10. Impressive!

I did not make any edits in your essay.

You did excellent!

Good luck in your studies, and remember, dream big and never give up!

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Dear EssayForum team members,

After several epiphanies that happened to me last week, I was able to finally write GT's first essay at ease. Please let me know if you can hear me in this essay.

Georgia Institute of Technology transfer essay:

What interests you about your selected program of study?

This passion, this fire, this burning desire for flight and space exploration led me to choose Aerospace Engineering as my program of study. It all began at the age of 12 when I boarded my first airplane. I felt a rush and adrenaline upon take off and landing, and I still do as of this day. Not only do I sit there in awe, but also I turn to the screws, the wing structure, the turbines, the window, the small hole that you see in the interior window, and the wordings on the wing that read, "do not step here." I hear the sound of the wheels closing in upon reaching a certain height. And I sit there wondering. Wondering how this big giant vessel is able to fly. In my head, I begin to wonder how it all works, and better yet, I ask myself, "What if I could build something like this?"

Likewise, the same rush came at the Oxford Observatory. My friend and I went to see the so-called "red moon" eclipse. I felt like a five year old. I was filled with joy and curiosity, as it was my first time at an event like this. I could feel everyone's enthusiasm. When my eye came closer to the giant telescope's eyepiece, the light came through, and there she was. The moon. The rush and adrenaline came again, and I felt as if I was on top of the moon.

The passion for these two grew so immense that I began researching about spacecraft, enhancing propulsion systems, and wondering how I could play a role within the aerospace industry. I became so obsessed that my nights are spent reading anything that has to do with space. And I began reading about Carl Sagan, Neil Degrasse Tysson and Neil Armstrong, among other pioneers in the space industry. I even have my space journal where I write any new information and ideas.

This fire that is inside me wakes me up everyday and gives me hope. It gives me hope that someday that rush and adrenaline will be felt again when leaving Earth's orbit en-route to another habitable planet in outer space. I found my purpose. And I will do anything and everything to reach my goal of becoming an astronaut for NASA, where dreams come true.

Scholarship / Goal of Study & Future Plan - My First Time applying Scholarship [3]

Dear Cai93,

After reading your essay, I believe you need to cut out a lot of items that do not pertain to the essay prompt: study plan and future study plan. Also, can you please provide us with the actual prompt for the scholarship? I am not sure if the prompt is asking you for your previous study plan (since you mention a lot of things you have done in the past), or if it is asking you about your future study plan.

What I would like for you to do is to make an outline. As of now, your essay is all over the place, and it needs organization ASAP. Here are a few suggestions:

Intro: Explain here how you became so passionate about education, and how it has led you to choosing this program in particular. Here, you can mention your previous education experience, and then lead into why you chose to continue onto your Master's program. You also need to form a thesis statement at the end of this paragraph, which will tie the following paragraphs back to this thesis statement.

The following paragraphs should be split into three. And you can have topic sentences that tie each of the paragraphs back to the thesis statement.

Paragraph 1: In this paragraph, you can write about your passion for education and any previous experience that led you to choosing this program.

Paragraph 2: In this paragraph, you can write about your study plan and what you hope to accomplish during your studies as far as skills, knowledge, internships, etc.

Paragraph 3: This paragraph can tell about your future goals. How you want to open up a school for the needy and those who are not able to attain an education. Here you can mention how you want to spread your knowledge and help people.

Conclusion: In this paragraph you want a powerful ending. You want to tie it back to your thesis. Here you can add how this program has inspired you to continue in education, and how you will succeed in life because of it.

I hope this information helps. I would have loved to edit your essay, but it is all over the place. Please try to organize your ideas into paragraphs, and then, we can take it from there. I wish you the best!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - checking more news resources lead to more truthful, less prejudiced and a faster information [7]

Hi Crystal,

I am glad to be able to work with you.

Your essay is very impressive. Your view and message is heard loud and clear. I have a few questions and food for thought:

What kind of news resources are you writing about in your essay? Are you writing about news as in Television news?

Here are a few errors I found:

... faster than people who have only one resources .

... favorable for drivers, while others defend forthe victims. As a result, the public areis exposed to a more comprehensive horizon.
... learn from more resources , in order to be well-informed.

... to obtain harmful news, which will also leads audiences to make wrong judgements..

ThoseSs ocial media and (...) different regions in theof country.
... some of the media can arrive at ... I states that speed isEarlier availability of news is crucial for us ...

I like your essay overall after reading it a few times. To polish your essay, I would try to remove the repeated word: "well-informed." I counted the word five times. Here are a few synonyms: Educated, Knowledgeable, Intelligent, In the know, Schooled, Versed, Trained. In English writing, it is not necessary to list your paragraphs as Firstly, Secondly, Lastly. While it is highly recommended in middle school and high school, it doesn't show maturity in the essay. Get to the point right away and add introductory words such as: Also, Additionally, Moreover. I hope i was able to help. But overall, your essay is great! Good luck!

Undergraduate / What are the core skills and knowledge you hope to acquire by completing a degree in this major [4]

Dear Juan Carlos,

It is a pleasure to be reading and reviewing your essay.

Red: fixed errors.
Blue: comments on the previous sentence.
Green: final comments.

Please see my comments and corrections on grammar below:

My career interest has always derived from my desire to attract consumers or people psychologically, ...

This is a good start to your essay. I like how you mentioned your desire to attract consumers and people. In this essay, I would like to see more specifics as to what skills the college has to offer. Have you reviewed UF's College of Journalism website? I just viewed it and found vital information that could go in this essay. Please take the time to review their site and see if you can find specific skills and any knowledge that interest you. The goal is to be very specific and not too broad.

I am a self-driven, motivated female Are you a male of a female? Your profile name is Juan Carlos. You may want to fix this error. . I have the ability to work ...

This is a good start. I like how you wrote about yourself in the beginning. Excellent starting strong sentence. I would like to see more of that confidence throughout the essay and all the way until the end. As far as the rest of the essay, I think you are listing too many things that may not be related. For example, you list that you interned in Ecuador. Yet you did not mention what your internship was about. I would delete that whole sentence if I was you and focus more on your volunteer experience with the elderly. This is way more impressive than just saying you interned somewhere.

For this last essay, please emphasize more on your volunteering experience. I think it could add strength to this essay. How does helping the elderly relate to your degree program? Also, perhaps add more information about your work and what you had to do to maintain work and school. This will add more strength. And last, have you done any research work?

I hope I was able to help with the suggestions above.

Best regards,

Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Thank you for your suggestions AIKOAYSHA. You are quite knowledgeable about this subject. I really appreciate the help. Please read the following. I think it will give you an idea of who I am:

See, in all honesty, I didn't grow up with a dream. I wasn't told by my parents I could be anything. We grew up in poor city in Colombia, and our mother was always working to provide for us. When we moved here in 2002 it was the same- watching my mother work and work and work. We did go in the school system from middle school to high school, and I graduated in 2009 with Honors. Yet I wasn't able to go to college because I wasn't a permanent resident. My dream of going to college was crushed.

So I moved out of my mother's house at the age of 18 out of rebellion. I wanted to find myself, my purpose in life. I went through many experiences - addiction, toxic friendships, love, hate, depression, loneliness. I worked multiple jobs and became a leader as I have shown in my other essay. I gained a 4.0 GPA at school too. But I wasn't aware of myself yet.

It wasn't until last year in December when I was working on a scholarship essay due on December 20th. I was devastated because it was the first time filling out a scholarship, and the first time writing about myself. And two weeks before the due date, I strangely Christopher, who happened to help students get into college by helping them with their essays. And he told me, "You are going to do big things. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams." It was something I had never heard before. No one had ever told me I could be anything in life. I awoke. My dreams awoke.

Throughout my whole life I have appreciated flight and airplanes. Every time I board an airplane I get a rush and an adrenaline that is felt throughout my whole body. Yet every time I board an airplane, I don't just sit there waiting for time to pass by. I look at the wing, the screws, the compartments, the turbines, I hear the sound of the wheels going back in as the airplane gets to a certain height in the air. I ask myself, how is this grand vessel able to fly? And it is what drove me to choosing Aerospace Engineering. I love to fly, but what I love the most is knowing that I could someday design an airplane myself. This is what fascinates me.

As I am awake now. I realize that I always ask questions as to how everything works. And instantly in my head I imagine and think of solutions on making things better.

When Christopher told me to follow my dream, I turned to the stars. I began researching about space because I had always a respect for the universe. I began learning about this vast amount of information that I had never seen before. My passion for planets grew when I went to see the red moon that happened recently. It was my first time attending an event of this type. And I felt like a five year old. I felt this rush once again that I felt while on an airplane, and looking through that telescope and seeing the moon so close and so vivid, was an awe experience for me. I felt as if for one moment I was on top of the moon.

From that moment on, I have signed up to NASA's email notifications, listened to TED Talks regarding space exploration and innovations. I have purchased books like The Martian and Little Blue Planet. And I have been following some of the greatest minds that shaped space exploration. Carl Sagan, Einstein, Tysson, and Armstrong are a few of the many who inspire me. As I learn, I get my space journal and write everything that I learn. I have also planned a visit to the Kennedy Space Center and the Smithsonian in DC. And I notice that I am meeting more and more people who want to make my dream come true. It is very strange.

When I began learning more and more about space. I began researching telescopes, spaceships, and rovers that have been in space. Currently , I am reading the Student Astronaut Challenge textbook which has extensive information about Space history, propulsion systems, rockets, etc. and it is when I began to ask myself, is there another habitable planet out there in the universe? If so, how would we get there?

I hurriedly turned to spacecraft. I began researching the different type of spacecraft and asking friends about it. I began learning about propulsion systems and came to the conclusion that our current spacecraft are not capable of traveling fast enough in case we did find another habitable planet out there in another galaxy. And my mind once again started working, figuring out a solution, and thinking of how I could make space travel more efficient.

What is my passion? I can't answer you specifically. I am passionate about everything in life. From learning a different language, looking through a telescope, reading books, learning new things, math, science, anything. I love learning. I love it so much that I bought my own Arduino Circuit board since my Physics II with Calculus II Professor brought it to the class. When it came in the mail, I immediately opened it up, took all of the resistors out, the cables, the LED's, the motors. All of them. And I began working on the projects right away until 2 in the morning. I felt like a kid again; I felt the rush once again.

See, I wish I had known my dream long before. But perhaps it wasn't my time to know. Perhaps my time to know was at 25. I am an engineer. Even last week, I contacted members from my Calculus Team group and told them I had an idea. I wanted to build a robot or a device, and I wanted each of them to be a part of it. They all agreed and want to make a device that will help someone in need. We are working on sketches now and thinking of ideas. This is engineering.

And I truly believe that an engineer, be it aerospace, mechanical, civil, whatever, is a person who loves to learn. Who will learn anything and won't give up until he/she learns the task. An engineer is a well rounded person, and I am that person. With the abilities and skills I have gained at school, life, and work, I know I am going to succeed in my career as an Aerospace Engineer and ultimately become a candidate for the NASA space program.

I found my purpose. I found myself.

End}

There are so many stories I could write about. Yet none of them are from childhood. I don't want to make stuff up. This is my true story.

Is any of this information better? Could I use any of the above?

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Hi AIKOAYSHA,

Thank you for your feedback.

I totally understand your point of view. I don't feel like my personality is being brought out in this essay too now that you mention it .

Let me revise the essay. I think that you want me to write as I write in the second prompt essay below. I will rewrite this essay and portray more of a personal interest and what led me to choosing this degree.

Thank you!

Please see below and let me know what you think of the essay.

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Thank you for your suggestion. The prompt doesn't ask anything regarding GT and what they have to offer. I keep getting mixed reviews regarding mentioning GT and their programs. Some people say to include the information, and some have said not to. So what is the correct answer? The prompt asks to for my interest in my program of study, which is AE.

I did originally mention CSTAR and am interested in their work because they have close ties to NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. And I could elaborate on that and tie it to my dream.

Aiko did mention that if the prompt specifically asks for GT's program, then I should include them in thr essay. But it didn't. It's an open question as to why I chose AE as a program of study...

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Hi AIKOASHIYA, VANGIESPEN, and others reviewing this essay. I rewrote my essay last night at 3am. Please see below:

Tell me if I should go more in depth about a specific thing. Thank you!

Short Answer 1

What interests you about your selected program of study?

{Beginning

This passion, this fire inside of me pushed me to pursue a career in Aerospace Engineering (AE). It has expanded my ideas and views about space exploration and has inspired be to look beyond the sky, planets, and stars, to engineer and develop spacecraft and ultimately become an astronaut for the NASA Space Program.

Looking closely at the successes of NASA, SpaceX, Virgin Galactic, and other top leading Aerospace companies, motivated me to pursue a career in AE because of the innovations that each of these companies is a part of such as, the Orion spacecraft, James Webb Telescope, Hubble Telescope, MOXIE experiment, among others. By working alongside these companies, I will be able to apply and develop skills of engineering and developing aircraft with a better propulsion system, more aerodynamically safe, and a spacecraft that can take humans to Mars in a shorter time frame with the possibility of paving to a more efficient and economically spacecraft that can take humans to other planets in our solar system, and ultimately beyond our solar system.

With the Orion Spacecraft underway, my interest for life beyond Earth has extensively grown within the past few years. The wow factor that the Mars 2020 mission has had on my life is unexplainable. To think that we may someday be able to live on Mars inspires me to make travel there more efficient.

Not only will this mission help us get closer to living on Mars at some point in the future, but also, it will change the course of history to the point that space travel will be simply like riding a car. And ultimately, it will get us closer to developing vehicles that can travel faster and be able to search and perhaps reach planets that are sustainable. It is my dream that I hope to turn into a reality.

This fire, this passion pushes me to do whatever it takes to find another habitable planet in the universe before our time here on Earth runs out, be it by making it viable to live on Mars, or continuing on the search for another habitable planet, which is out there waiting to be found.


End}

Undergraduate / Leadership, progress, and service during the past three years. Georgia Tech admission essay. [4]

Hi everyone. I need help with this essay. Please help me if you can. This is pretty much the only resource I can use.

I would appreciate it.

Thank you.

Scholarship / Receiving this scholarship would bring me one step closer to making my biggest dream a reality. [3]

Hi SUMMERHOLLINS,

It is a pleasure to be reviewing your scholarship essay. I made a few suggestions and changes that may help you build a stronger essay. I hope I was able to help. Here it is:

My older siblings didn't receive any degrees, and I havewantYou say "have." Do you really have to? Or do you actually want to make that change to impact your family? to change that in my family. My father is from Africa and he came to this country poor, and he made ...

... and I know it's up to me to make that change. I needwant to further my education to make a living for my own, and to make the world a better and healthier place.This is a weak argument. You want to make the world a better and healthier place. What is wrong with the world now? What changes do you want to implement in the world? Can you be more specific here? Adding information here will make your essay stronger. I believe I deserve to be awarded for this scholarship because I work hard. I am hard working byspend my days studying, doing homework, helping ...

I also maintain good grades, and I am an honor roll student. Growing up I played Basketball,and Soccer,.Also, I was a cheerleader, and I was a swimmer. I have a dream that I want to pursue, and gettingattaining this scholarship is getting me one stepwill get me closer to making this dream again, what dream? a reality.

Your essay is good. However, I think it needs more grasp. What is your dream? Many people can say they have a dream, but do they really? If you mention your dream, it will make it a stronger statement because it is the reason why you deserve this scholarship. You want to follow that dream, and in order to do that you need this scholarship as a step towards achieving that dream.

My impression of your essay is that you want to have a better life than your family did. You want to attain a degree, so you can inspire them and be able to help them. You also want to change and impact the world, but how? You say you have a dream, but what is your dream?

I hope this information helps. This is your first draft. Keep working on it and I would be happy to help you further. Good luck!