Scholarship / Leadership in depth of knowing its members [2]

Reni, did you use an English translator for this essay? It sounds worse than odd when being read by a native speaker. It comes across as senseless, without a purpose, unable to present a proper thought process. You may want to consider running this essay through a grammar checker for accuracy purposes. Regardless of whether you have the proper grammar in this essay or not though, that does not erase the fact that the essay is not competitive at all in presentation, information, or consideration. The essay should be reflecting your leadership and influencing skills in a professional setting, in relation to an office scenario. Your essay needs to focus on something related to the expected presentation of traits. Since this is for an extra curricular event, that isn't very well explained, you cannot really use this presentation in the essay. When you talk of the business itself, you only explain how you became a leader, but did not offer a relevant example of your leadership and influencing skills during that time. The whole essay needs to be revised. Better yet, delete this essay and try to write a new one that is more profession centered. Try to find an office scenario that called upon you to perform as a leader with excellent people skills that translates into an influencing action.

Graduate / Continuing education in Korea by pursuing a graduate degree in Cultural-Art Business Administration [6]

Kayla, I don't think that you have familiarized yourself enough with the KGSP application essays. Your SOP does not reflect the proper requirements as indicated in the application form. For this essay, the prompt indicates that you have to present a Goal of Study along with a Study Plan. To be highly specific you need to represent the goal of study, title or subject of research, and a detailed study plan. What you developed for your response essay above falls more under the category of a personal statement. In fact, it sounds more like part of it are more qualified for the Letter of Self Introduction. Are you sure you did not get the two essay prompts mixed up when you posted the essay for review here? Please double check. I have a funny feeling that you got the prompts mixed up. Do yourself a big favor, make sure you understand what the prompt you are responding to is asking for first. Then write a relevant draft in relation to the prompt requirements. Don't forget, as with any application if the wrong response is attached to a prompt, you will be endangering your application by forcing a cancellation of your application on the basis of a technicality.

Undergraduate / "My experience as a basketball captain. " - General CommonApp Prompt [7]

Good so far, but it seems to be an incomplete presentation. Even with the word limitation on this statement, you should still manage to come up with a proper introduction, body, and concluding statement. All within a number of sentences or within 3 paragraphs, whichever fits the word maximum requirement. Your second paragraph sounds almost exactly like your first paragraph, with a few changes here and there. Try to present a new piece of information that highlights what you learned or what you did as the b-ball captain. There must be some other interesting tidbits you can share that helps to lighten the mood of the statement while highlighting your skills as a team leader. Your last paragraph sounds like it needs a closing sentence at the very least. It sounds like there are still more statements to come but then you forgot to include it. Close that paragraph in order to create a tight statement response.

Undergraduate / "I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world" UGRAD response [3]

Raafat, this is an overly informative essay but it doesn't really show how you can add to the diversity of the program. You focus too much on what you can get from the program and how people view you but you never once referenced what you can contribute to the program. The UGrad program has limited participants so you need to figure out something about you which makes you special then share that with the reviewer. Think of it in terms of diversity. You can learn from the group, but you aren't specific about what you hope to share, educate, or teach the group and your host family about. Revise the essay to deliver a two way participation on your part. Highlight what makes you special either in terms of your background or your heritage that will enlighten them about you and then some.

Scholarship / Pursuing financial literacy and education for Filipinos. Chevening Post Study Plan [3]

You must have a specific project in mind for your request for funding from the UK government sponsored organization. It isn't enough to pay lip service in this instance. You must at least represent an idea as to how the funds will be used. While that plan may change in the future, a tentative representation is required in order to prove that you are really serious about your application. That helps to bolster your plan of working with the BSP. The two organizations, coordinating to back your project should result in a positive result for your future plans. Specifically, the UK supported one. Your current proposal should indicate what role you hope the UK organization will be playing, aside from being the funder of the project. How does the UK interest in that sector tie in with your project? Delve into possibilities that could become realities for your career goals.

Undergraduate / Academic and personal experience, preparation for and commitment to further study at SCAD [2]

Anna, this is a good start. your opening paragraph is believable as most kids do get their start in the arts by trying to draw the Saturday morning cartoon characters. You should develop a personal story to go with that time though. Describe how it felt for you to be drawing stick figures or something. What was the joy that you got out of your early drawings that helped to turn a hobby into a passion? Build on that idea. Show your passion for drawing while calling as little attention as possible to your academic grades in other aspects not related to art. Don't highlight your weaknesses. Instead, dazzle the reviewer with your strengths. Aside from the online tutorials and library visits for more anatomy lessons, what else, in the form of formal training did you have? Did you attend drawing classes? What medium are you most comfortable using? Pencil, water color, oil? Why did you choose that particular medium? Have you had any accomplishments regarding your drawings that could make you stand out as an applicant? any awards or recognition? More importantly, what are the reasons that you chose SCAD for your college studies? I don't mean the run of the mill responses, I mean the "I really put great thought and consideration into my choice of art school." paragraphs. These could be the guidelines you can use for the further drafting of your essay. It's a step in the right direction for your response. It's up to you to make it shine.

Grammar, Usage / Couple of sentences in English for my power point [3]

Askan, it would have been better if you had loaded the complete paragraphs instead of just snippets because of the grammar continuance issues that can arise as the languages switches from yours to another person's. Sometimes, that causes the paragraph to make less sense than the original. Anyway, here's my take on corrections for your sentence portions:

1. ... found in THE heat... non-conformance occurs DUE TO...
2. ... regulation WILL BE to...
3. ... all OF THE 5... possible OPPORTUNITIES that MAY CAUSE PARTS TO MIX...

I am not sure if the corrections will blend with your original voice and presentation style. Use these corrections only if it will not change the presentation style of your essay. It is important that your voice is not change within the essay discussion paragraphs.

Scholarship / I have solid skills to make my networking abilities grow - Chevening scholarship. [7]

Alan, you lost it. This is not the kind of networking essay that will impress the reviewer. As an intern, you would have been expected to depict instances when you developed contacts within this company that you were able to retain and harness as current profession related contacts. Instead, you only described how you worked like a office gopher. Helping anyone and everyone concerned. Not once did you depict an instance of network development. As a freelancer, you only spoke of the reasons you developed a network, but did not depict its foundation, growth, development, and usefulness. You are nowhere near a proper networking representation. A true network portrays a career development or usefulness during certain profession related instances on your part. That doesn't exist here. I don't get the point of the essay as you have written it. There is no real network indicated in either instance. Please review some sample networking essays here and follow their examples in order to improve your essay. Focus on describing what your network is for, how it helps you with your career, and how you manage to cultivate it for long term use and applicability in your field of work.

Scholarship / The three courses that will led me forward as a professional - Studying in the UK Question [2]

Walter, your first paragraph is unnecessary. That slot is normally reserved for your academic summary in relation to your college major. The second paragraph, is focused on an overview of your current profession and the skills that you feel you need to develop in order to do a better job. Your last paragraph shows a clear objective for your studies so I would leave that intact as of now. Your body paragraphs are strong and indicative of a person who has considered his potential future careers. You show that you are read to excel, regardless of which masters course you are approved to study. Although, that should not be a worry because you are normally expected to enroll in your first course choice and university when you are granted a scholarship slot. Work on an academic and professional presentation that will allow you to further enhance an already good essay presentation.

Scholarship / Chevening_Leadership experience gained from emergent events is often the most precious. [6]

Sue, as far as I am concerned, there is only one level of leadership and influencing that should be fully presented in this essay. That is the very first reference you made in relation to the fire at the amusement park. The way that you took charge of the situation and made a usable action plan for everyone to follow shows inborn leadership. However, there wasn't enough focus on influencing in that section, or any other sections that you presented. If you will just remove the other references int he essay and instead, think of a situation during that crisis when you were called upon to influence others, then you will have a pretty good essay to present. Simply making phone calls to other pharmacists doesn't qualify as an influencing reference. You need a more appropriate situation to prove that ability. Excellent work on proving your leadership abilities in that instance though. The other parts you presented do not work as well nor do they sound as impressive.

Scholarship / The importance of knowing people in person - it is vital in creating excellent networks. [2]

SG, the first paragraph should be deleted or revised for a number of reasons. The first, is that saying you met someone who can help you get a visa for free if you are accepted into the program sounds very unprofessional and should never be referenced in an academic essay of this magnitude. Aside from that, none of the networks that you infer in that paragraph relate to your profession. Therefore, their relevance to your job, as it should be considered by Chevening does not exist. Hence, it is a throw away paragraph.

Your reference to your within the workplace network is one that, in this instance, is valuable because of the way that the airport works. The physical structure alone is already a network of connected hubs. That is why the importance of creating your personal professional hub within your workplace is also important and relevant to this application. Overall, the rest of the essay is well developed but lacks a reference as to why this network will be important to Chevening and its members. Why should this network matter to them? What purpose does it serve outside of the specialized world of airport management?

Essays / I'm clueless in networking skills question what does that mean? / Chevening scholarship [4]

Rather than wasting your time telling me that you do not know what to write and you do not know how to work information about you in the networking section, look at the example essays for pharmacy Chevening applicants instead. There are more than a handful essays from them in this forum. That covers all the 4 essay requirements. Don't spend your time stressing out. Read their sample works and then draft your own essay based on their examples. That will show you exactly how to use your available and most relevant information to create strong essays based on the various prompts. We can't tell you how to work information into your essay because we don't know your qualifications and who you are beyond what you type in the text box for us to read. If you are really worried about how to properly write this essay, you can always refer to our URGENT thread or our SERVICES section. The latter is sure to remove all the stress that you are feeling because someone else will take your available information and turn it into a usable essay for your application.

Undergraduate / A woman interested in pursuing a career in biomedical engineering [3]

Annabel , remove the reference to being intimidated to enter into a male dominated field. Don't forget that one of the current educational thrusts in America at the moment is an increased enrollment of women in the STEM field. Therefore, there is no need to indicate being intimidated because you have the university and the government itself backing your desire to succeed in this area. Focus the essay on introducing your interest in the "Women in Engineering" program instead and the opportunities that will provide you. Then immediately refer to your excitement at the thought of joining an international research position at an international partner school. The co-op program is not as impressive as the first two reasons so I would skip that because of the general application of that program. Focus only on the STEM centered programs of the school as the reason for your choice. Maybe, you can indicate an interest to take a semester abroad with a specific partner university for a specific research you hope to undertake as an undergraduate. That sort of reference normally shows that you have done your research and you know exactly what you will be doing once you are accepted into the university as a student.

Scholarship / I intend to connect with a wider community through Chevening network. [3]

Kwesi , your networking essay does not establish anything except to establish that you know a group of people who will not provide you with the recommendation letters required for this scholarship application. Therefore, the best thing for you to do will be to delete this essay and write a serious essay that does not dwell on self importance as much as you do in this essay. Be open about your networks and how these have helped you achieve greater success in your career. Offer a glimpse into how you maintain high profile networks, without mentioning names. It would be safer and better to mention the organizations itself than names in particular because organization and association references can be fact checked without having to speak to a specific person who could disavow knowing you. Focus on presenting an interconnected network. It should look something like:

I joined A when I did X. This led A to introduce me to B who I worked with during XX. After that, I had a work situation that had me calling A and B for help. A and B had a common friend, C, who became part of my professional network because...

A fluid presentation of interconnected networks would be the best presentation for any networking essay as that shows cultivation and growth in a field that could be of interest to the Chevening reviewer. By developing the essay that way, you need to only give a simple explanation of how Chevening alumni and future scholars can benefit from this network with your help.

Graduate / Analog/RF IC is an art which has high design flexibility - SOP for PHD in analog IC in USA [3]

Wang, since you already have a previous masters degree tucked under your belt, going all the way back to your college days for a reference is no longer required in this instance. You should provide a summary of that section of your academic life because it only laid out the foundation for your career. The actual focus of your current discussion should be on how your masters degree has improved your career to this point, where you now require a PhD in order to function at a higher capacity on the job. Refer to a potential dissertation thesis in relation to your masters thesis or a fresh research project that better aligns your more advanced academic interests with your PhD desires. Start your essay at paragraph 2, then bring up paragraph 5, improve on the presentation and information, and present a potential thesis statement before discussing why this PhD university is the best choice for you. That would create a more appropriate draft essay for your purposes.

Scholarship / Picking Loughborough University, University of Reading, and Salford for their reputable achievements [3]

Ibrahim, remove the second paragraph because that creates a repeated presentation in your essay. You cannot use the paragraphs describing the universities because these are mere university descriptions, without any proper reference to its applicability to your line of work, future work goals, and academic experience. Therefore, all 3 paragraphs are void. You must think of personal and academic reasons to attend the universities that do not include ranking, university descriptions, or laboratory references. Focus on the academic aspect. What learning situations do they offer the students? Why are you interested in these learning types? Connect these with your professional training. Think about each course. What interests you about the course in relation to your work duties? Make sure that you create an academic and professional connection between the course and yourself. Failing to do that means the essay will also fail once submitted. Believe me, there is nothing in this essay which you wrote that can help improve your application chances. You need to write a new, more focused, more applicable essay.

Letters / Motivation Letter - UN4MUN South East Asia Conference [3]

Joanna, you don't seem to understand what the requirements of a motivation letter are. You are not supposed to give a run down of your biography. Neither are you supposed to discuss work experiences here. Instead, there is only one question that needs to be responded to in as little as 3 paragraphs, "What motivates your interest in this course?" Follow up information can be provided by also indicating "What drives your interest to enroll in our university?" Both should be completed within a summarized manner since the motivation letter is just an overview of the information of your personal statement and statement of purpose.

In this letter, your motivation is not really clear. You spent too much time discussing your related background that the actual motivation you have, or your true interests were sidelined. A motivation letter is not about skills. It isn't about experiences. It is about your mindset and your desire to make a change in the field. That is what should be reflected in the motivation letter.

Scholarship / Sudden operation. Experiences and challenges of a female Embryologist. Chevening essay [3]

khadeejah , you only followed the orders of your superior in this essay. That is not indicative of a leadership skill. Knowing how to complete a procedure is not leadership either. There is nothing in this essay that creates a semblance of leadership and influencing. This is a useless essay that will get you disqualified from the running. You must write a totally new essay. One that showcases a professional leadership situation that has you taking the lead on a project, influencing team members to work together, and also, resulting in a successful undertaking. I can't ask you to use any portion of this essay because you have not written anything that qualifies as usable information for this particular prompt. Don't tell a story or define things. Show me how you act in situations where you are called upon to lead and make decisions for a group. Not a situation where you were ordered to follow a set protocol. That is what you did here, which is what made the essay present information different from what is required.

Scholarship / Don't expect to receive benefits from your contacts but be ready to give these benefits to others [3]

Iriyna, it is an exaggeration to say that you have "contacts all over the world". Rather, you have "a significant international network" that can assist you during times you need a consult regarding international law. Don't exaggerate. Change the term that I indicated for replacement. There is no clear example that can lead the reviewer to believe that you created some contacts during your time in Poland. These contacts need to be of the professional and academic kind owing to your being an exchange law student. Definite network involvement is required. Activities indicative of network enhancement and growth are a must in these types of presentations. It isn't enough to just mention "ELSA" and "Vis Moot". An explanation regarding the relevance of the network to your career should be included. You have mentioned specific names of professors in this essay, have they provided you with recommendation letters? If not, then do not mention them because they might be interviewed as part of the information verification procedures. Since you are now a practicing lawyer, you should be focusing your network discussion in your professional practice. What legal groups are you a member of? How have these groups influenced your work as a lawyer? Has participating in their activities expanded your own network? Would you say that this is a network that can be useful to the other legal professionals who are part of the Chevening roster? If so, how? Bear in mind that your network will also be expanded by your Chevening membership so you should be able to justify the reasons why your network qualifies you to join them. This presentation is very unclear on those points as the focus is mostly academic in nature. It would seem that you do not have the 2 year minimum work requirement for the scholarship based upon your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays online shopping becomes more popular than in-store shopping. Is it a positive or a negative [5]

Vincent, when you first read the prompt requirement. There are 2 things you have to do. That is, identify the topic sentence the discussion basis sentence, and the instruction sentence so that you can properly paraphrase the prompt. In this instance, you identified the topic sentence properly, but misidentified the discussion basis sentence. The discussion basis is "positive or negative development?" This led to an incorrect instruction assumption on your part. You deviated and did not present the correct "reasons and examples" for this essay.

When you analyze the discussion basis, you have to be on the lookout for specific keywords that tell you whether or not a discussion is a single opinion or multiple opinion presentation. The minute you see the word "OR", that automatically qualifies the prompt as a single opinion discussion essay.

Your opening paraphrase of the topic sentence is different enough from the original in my opinion because you used keywords such as "popular" and "online shopping" without really mentioning the original context of "than in-store shopping" although you implied it. That makes it different enough to qualify for an average score. Using keywords from the original prompt shows the examiner that you understood the prompt topic and you know how to use it in a given context. Hence, you proved you understand English to a certain degree. However, your third sentence is a direct paraphrase of the original, so that will bring the score down. A more appropriate paraphrase, that would have kept you on track instead of changing the discussion instruction is:

Online shopping is the new normal shopping routine. It has surpassed the popularity of in-store shopping among today's shoppers. This has led to the question as to whether this development is a positive or negative result of the online shopping method. I believe this is a (state your opinion, positive or negative) occurrence. In this essay I will be presenting popular reasons and examples to support my claim.

Your second paragraph properly illustrates your discussion topic. It provides proper reasons and examples within the presentation but falls short of offering a valid reason for this convenience. One reason that it is more convenient could be that it is cashless shopping. Or, people like being able to shop without having to spend extra on parking fees and gasoline. You should have developed the supporting reason in this paragraph rather than just focusing in the different reasons. One strong reason, strengthened with a proper supporting discussion in 2 or 4 more sentences would have done the job.

You could have presented 2 supporting discussions in the essay and then concluded after the 3rd or 4th paragraph. That would have allowed you the chance to write a more varied sentence presentation and showcase your English vocabulary a little bit more. In this instance, the discussion was not only wrong, but it was also limited in vocabulary scope.

Letters / A letter of application to the organisers. (IELTS TASK ONE) [3]

CJ, you only accomplished the most minimal of word requirements to suit this test. When you limit the words that you write to only a little over the minimum count, you are not assuring yourself of passing this test. You are being scored on your grammar range and accuracy in this instance so you should try to write 200 words at the most, using a mix of complex and simple sentences. You can also stick to just simple sentence presentations such as you have at the moment. That can also work towards increasing your score, provided you try to write complete paragraphs instead of short 2 line sentences per paragraph. Write 3 sentences and you stand a good shot at a decent score. 5 sentences earns you the chance for maximum scoring consideration. This essay is very weak in presentation. Your grammar is not showing improvement at all. Even if I correct the whole letter for you, if you do not even try to improve on your own, then I don't see how all the help in the world can help you pass this test. Try to do more grammar exercises to help develop your English writing skills. Those are freely available online. You know the message of the instructions, it is your execution that is often faulty due to your limited English vocabulary and grammar skills.

Scholarship / Two examples from my professional experience to illustrate my leadership and influencing skills [2]

Elissa, this is an essay that shows the reviewer your efficiency as a rank and file employee who is accomplishing assigned tasks. This is not a leadership essay that highlights how you lead a team, influence decision making procedures, and enact changes that would prove that you have some sort of leadership abilities and influencing skills that can be developed by the Chevening experience. What you have to represent is a leadership attitude that asserts itself when surrounded by a group of people in the office who seem to be running around like headless chickens when faced with a pressure situation. Your job, is to show that you have the ability to calm down the situation, analyze the problem, and enact a solution that will make a difference. The implementation of the solution should carry a heavy influencing reference since the team will have to come together to support a decision, which you made, that they may not wholly support. How you convince the non supporters of your decision is what will tie the essay all together in the essence of the prompt.

Scholarship / Chevening - excellent opportunities for networking and staying in touch with people from UK [4]

Yonas, your networking essay is supposed to give the Chevening reviewer an idea as to what kind of business contacts you have made over the years that you have been doing your job. That means, you are expected to show a sort of network development that ties in with your career improvements. People you meet during seminars and training programs, associations you join and the references that these two provide you with in line with your career movements should tie in with the development of your career and be exemplified in this essay. How you created the network, what it's worth / use to you in your profession, and how Chevening can benefit from your network should be reflected in the essay. Since none of these are represented in your essay, you cannot submit this essay for consideration. If you do, your application will be immediately cancelled due to non-compliance with the prompt requirements. Review the proper samples of networking essays here to help you get on the right track. Any of the samples here will help you at least direct your essay in a proper networking manner.

Scholarship / I need Postgraduate education to do these great things in my career. Career Plan Essay [2]

Marzia, open with the OUPP reference to encouraging their editors to come back to work after the education is completed. That sounds like a tremendously solid and achievable career plan after you graduate. Always present your employment information after you graduate first. Make sure that the reviewer knows that there is a job waiting for you upon your return because it makes you sound important to the company and increases your profile as an applicant. After that, you can discuss preparing for the CSS exam. Here is the thing though, I do not see the UK government sponsored project that you can work with upon your return to your country. Why is that? Is there no UK government supported project in line with your masters degree or profession? You have to present that at the top of the page if you can because that is mandatory information in this essay. Without it, your application will either be rejected immediately or placed in the non-priority pile, to be reviewed again (or not) depending upon the remaining non priority scholar slots available.

Scholarship / Acceptance into a UK university is an opportunity of a lifetime for me which I do not intend to miss [3]

Ben, your essay will not benefit your application. You have taken only 2 paragraphs to discuss what should be a 5 paragraph essay. The prompt is pretty specific about the requirements for the presentation. It seems that you did not bother to understand the requirements because if you did, then you would have developed a more appropriate response. The academic background should be one complete paragraph at the start of the essay. While the professional background can be integrated into the course discussion, which should be done in a paragraph format as well. One course, one university, one discussion, per paragraph. Do that 3 times for the 3 courses and universities. Individualized discussions are required in order to allow the reviewer to fully understand what the purpose of your studies, based on each masters course, actually is. How does it apply to your future career? What career paths are you considering taking and why? You can respond to those questions in the university discussions. Which is why those sections require an expanded discussion format.

Scholarship / My mission will be to create and lead dream teams in the public sector of Egypt [3]

Karim, this is not a career plan essay. You wrote a statement of purpose. This essay cannot be submitted to the Chevening committee because it will cause the rejection of your application. Don't wish to play a key role, tell us where and how you will play a key role. There is a big difference between "wishing" and "doing". You need to do instead of wish. You also need to find a better representative of the UK interests in your country supported by the UK government because British Petroleum is not UK government owned. That is a privately owned company so it does not qualify as a UK government sponsored interest in your country. I am sure that the UK government has a specific interest in the oil industry of your country, you just have to do some research in order to find out what it is and how it can relate to your masters studies. Do yourself a favor and read the other career plan essay examples in this forum. You will find a number of examples that can enlighten you as to how to write this specific essay.

Scholarship / My previous and current leadership experience have given positive impact to progress in my career [2]

Ipung , due to our one essay per thread policy, the only review I can give you is related to the leadership and influencing essay. If you want advice on the networking essay, you have to post that as a separate thread. Right now, your leadership essay shows disconnected leadership skills and no influencing inference at all. College leadership and influencing references will only be strong and valid if you performed the skills within a task that is related directly to your chosen major. Since your academic leadership and influencing skills do not relate to your profession, it should not be in the essay because it creates a less than average presentation of your leadership and influencing style. It would be best if your develop the whole essay around your work at GTS IBM Indonesia. At least that is something that qualifies as a professional leadership and influencing reference because you are currently on the job. Prove your leadership and influencing skills within the workplace. If possible refer to a project that you were in charge of to create the reference point.

Scholarship / Motivation to commit my skills and knowledge to the service of others in Guatemala [3]

Paola, this is a pretty strong theoretical essay. It is powerful in its conviction and it more than discusses an overview of your development as a leader an influencer in your country. However, it lacks the proper action referencing to help solidify the implied leadership and influencing traits that you have. It is too bad that you took a shortcut in the way that you referenced your leadership and influencing skills. If you had followed up the summarized statements with one example of each skill required, then the essay would have actually represented the prompt instructions that asked you to used examples of your leadership and influencing skills in order to explain why you are an up and coming leader and influencer in your country. Right now, that is sorely missing from this essay. If you can add those parts, your essay will be better and more prompt responsive. Since this is a leadership essay, you could start editing the work by removing the "we" references because the prompt calls for the use of the "I" pronoun in relation to only your leadership and influencing skills. This is not about group achievement, this is about individual achievement as a leader and influencer.

Scholarship / These courses will help me to move the tech-community in Pakistan a step closer towards digitization [5]

You know what? Your essay will be a lot stronger if you don't use our opening and closing paragraphs. Just let the university choices and course information speak for you. You did an excellent job of integrating your academic and professional experiences within each of the course choices you made. The presentation that you used made the opening and closing sentences redundant and not really impressive anymore. So you can remove those parts and just keep the current course outline presentation in its place. Please be conscious of the fact that redundancies are frowned upon in a Chevening essay so, since you already mentioned information from your long term career goals in your post study essay, it would be best to remove that reference in this essay. Avoid redundancies at all costs. It isn't going to help your essay to repeat information to the reviewer when you were already cautioned about that in the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Major choice - to gain valuable training and obtain access to a wider range of possibilities [5]

Cao, this essay is not responding to the prompt at all. You wrote a personal statement that does not consider the questions you are being asked to respond to. The first question is "What is your chosen major?" Have you given any thought to that? It really does not sound like you have actually chosen a major yet. You are just throwing ideas in there about how you have suffered so far with regards to your education. Not exactly the best way to choose a major. You instead responded as to why you chose to go to America instead. Which, although connected, doesn't really answer the question. If you haven't chosen a major yet, then you cannot develop a proper response to "What are your educational goals?" If you have no idea what you want to study, then you cannot create an educational goal for yourself. Which means, that you also don't have a definite career goal in mind either. These are the reasons why this essay is not only confusing, but it doesn't make any sense at all to the reader. You need to take a step back, consider the questions in the proper order, then write a new response that better focuses on the questions. Take your time. Don't just write a response without thinking about it. The reviewer will know that you have no clue as to what you want to do in college and your application will most likely be rejected because of it.

Scholarship / To use ICT for development not only for SP projects but for any other DFID priorities in Kenya. [5]

Bilhah, this is a very impressive presentation. It is clear, it spells out how you will be helping your company upon your return, it shows how you plan to use what you learned for the betterment of your country, and finally, it depicts a usable UK government sponsored project. You covered all the bases required for this essay. However, the spacing between your being assigned to work with the DFID and your outreach project plan is too far apart. Please consider presenting them in a more fluid and interconnected manner so that you can gain the full impact of the fact that you surprisingly created a UK government sponsored connection long before you applied to become a Chevening scholar. This will certainly highlight your essay and quite possibly, gain you more consideration over the other applicants. the UK project is a pivotal decision factor in the final considerations so the fact that you have a long standing relationship with the UK sponsored project in your country, in relation to your profession, is sure to carry more weight in this instance.

Scholarship / CAREER PLAN - CHEVENING - KICKSTART A FILM INDUSTRY [4]

Henri, there is a missing requirement in your essay. You mentioned the British Council here but you did not define how you will work with them in the promotion of an advocacy or project on the part of the UK government. You must be specific about that because that is one of the target points of this essay. Your essay will become stronger and more impressive if you can convince the reviewer of the importance of this collaboration, then you will have a strong chance of getting the scholarship. Your plans are sound, from the improvement of your masters program, to making your first feature film, these all show a person with a career goal that he plans in achieving. Try to make a smoother transition though, between these plans and your desire to teach the future filmmakers. It does not blend in well with the previous discussions at this point. You don't need a longer term plan to present if it will go beyond 5 years. The 5 year career plan is the standard presentation for masters courses and I think you have that pretty much covered in this essay. You can skip the "longer term" plan.

Undergraduate / The neighborhood where I grew up and which had a significal impact on me [3]

Matthew, there is too much focus on the negative side of your father in this essay. Please remember that his actions are not representative of the whole family. If you want to create a balanced essay, that focuses on the family unit rather than just the suffering you had under one person, which is not what this prompt is all about, then you must discuss how your family unit , you in particular, survived the ordeal instead. What was the final outcome? Divorce? A family that was together but split apart? Don't focus so much on the negative. Rather, discuss how this negative turned into a positive for you in the long run. It is important to show that a positive change came out of the dark days or, that you were enlightened by something more than just religion. I am not sure if you are applying to a religious college or not but in the US, it is important to create a balance between religious and social reasoning. Your essay relies too much on the religious aspect, which will work if you are applying to say, a Jesuit university, but if you are not, then you should walk that back and try to find another approach that will skip possibly offending the reviewer, just in case. Your concluding paragraph is strong. It is the middle part that requires your attention.

Scholarship / My interest in capital markets, banking and finance, second master's degree - Chevening [3]

Leophil, there is something missing in each course choice that you present. There is only an implied use in the future for the course. There is no reference to either an academic background relevant to the course or a professional experience that works towards convincing the reviewer that this course has an actual application in your line of work. You may want to reconsider the presentation that you have at the start that indicates that this is your second masters degree. Try to shorten the opening somehow so that you can focus on delivering the foundational discussion of each course as required by the prompt. Right now, all you are doing is "indicating a possible" use based on your undefined skill set in relation to the job. There is no definitive use in your workplace. It appears that these courses will just increase your theoretical knowledge without any proper practical application. That is the main problem with the presentation.

Scholarship / Chevening Application: Interactive Leadership, providing solutions to a problem [5]

Bilhah, the reviewer is not interested in an outline of the problems that you encountered and had to resolve. In fact, there is nothing in your essay that appears to showcase any leadership or influencing skills on your part. You were more of an analytical person in this situation than a physical leader or an inspirational figure. Nothing you presented in this essay works to prove that you have any of the required skills because of the lack of reference to the physical interaction between you and the team. I sincerely do not believe that this essay will be of use to you in this instance. You have to figure out a team situational scenario where you had to take charge of resolving an issue that affected the final outcome of the project. From there, consider how you were able to get the team to focus on working together instead of infighting in order to resolve the issue, based upon your leadership, sooner, rather than later. That will be the example of the influencing part of your essay. A quick revision of the essay should help you resolve the problem you have at the moment. The only thing that might take a bit longer, is your figuring out an appropriate work scenario to use.

Scholarship / I have always thought of myself as great influencer since I was young. Chevening question [3]

MohA, focus on the statement that you made for your revision. What exactly do you mean by "leading from the front"? Offer examples of how this worked with your team. Make sure to highlight how you were able to influence the team due to your "leadership from the front". Offer solid examples of your leadership in action and what accomplishments were attained due to your influence on the team. When you speak of the influence part, make sure to give example of the troubles present that you had to help the team overcome as the leader, through inspirational talk or actions, which in turn. lifted the team towards success. Remove the reference to your child leadership in this essay and focus only on the present state of your work leadership and influencing attainments. If you can discuss experiences no older than 2 years ago, that would make for a more impressive presentation to the reviewer rather than these old disjointed references that you are making. There are no real exemplifications involved, which is why the essay doesn't really work. You just keep implying things but you never show it. Chevening is all about the "showing" part. So make sure that you do that in your essay.

Scholarship / Chevening - Career Plan - Empowering People through Business and Technology [2]

Eda, you need to remove the first two paragraphs of the essay. You need to immediately respond to the prompt because the question is about the future, not about your past or your motivations. By referencing an immediate plan of action, you allow the reviewer to see that you are serious about this application and that you have enough knowledge to make a strong case for your essay application. This appeal should also work better if you can focus on a specific British Council project, no matter how small, for the presentation. You just need to show a definite UK collaboration plan on your end at the moment. You can switch the projects when the time comes for you to actually implement it. don't leave it with a general plan because that implies that you are not capable of making important decisions under pressure. Look for a project that will work with your interests for the improvement of your country and discuss how you plan to help expand the UK project after you graduate. That will help to settle the question of how the British Council sponsored project fits into your plans.

Scholarship / STUDY IN THE UK - CHEVENING - SUITABLE UNIVERSITIES AND NON-ACADEMIC LEARNING [3]

Henri, do not duplicate the Cannes information. You already used that information in the leadership and influencing essay so you cannot mention it again in this essay. The instructions say you cannot duplicate information and that is exactly what you are doing by referring to the Cannes win yet again in this essay. Replace that instead with a reference to how you learned about film making since you did not graduate with a film degree. Then explain how your professional experience has helped you prepare for these courses even though you are not a film major. Now, your university course choices are strong, but your line of reasoning is weak. You need to come up with more interesting and believable reasons as to why you would want to enroll in each course. You need to show how these courses will help enhance your future skills with an explanation of what you hope to learn and how you hope to use it.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship Essay - HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT [7]

Yonas, you have some usable elements of a leadership and influencing essay in this draft. It is just getting lost in translation. You need to focus your revision on a few things before you can make this work for yourself. The first thing you have to do is explain what leadership position you have in your office at the moment. That means, you need to tell the reviewer why you are a leader at this point in time. What evidence of leadership do you have among your peers? This is where you can discuss the responsibility of packing for these people with only 7 people on your team. What examples of leadership by example can you share with the reviewer? How did your team react to this? Would you say that this started your influential effect on them as well? Why is this pack out activity so important that they could lose heart or get tired of doing it? Where does your influence fit in this scenario? If you can clarify these unclear points, the essay might turn into a somewhat usable draft, still in need to review and final editing.

Undergraduate / "Growing up across the world" - UW second essay [5]

Maya, rather than focusing in describing the family set up as you do in this essay, you should be focusing on what you learned from each of the 3 families. That way, you can accurately describe what makes you unique and attention may also be immediately called to how diversified your outlook in life is because of this upbringing. Your essay is spending too much time using vivid descriptions when you should be giving vivid explanations instead. What kind of person were you when you you were with each side of the family? How did you manage to combine all of these influences into the person that you are today? How would you describe yourself because of it? Try to think about who you are today based upon all these influences. You don't have to describe the world vividly. Instead, you should be describing how this world shaped you by explaining the influence of each world of your personality. When you do that, then you will have proven that you can truly add to the diversity at the UW campus.