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Posts by ah_zafari [Contributor]
Joined: Apr 7, 2012		 Last Post: Oct 25, 2017
Threads: 40
Posts: 661  
From: Australia

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ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Changes in Town_Maps [5]

big differenceschanges occurred toin

The old town was located in the south ofBelow thesethe warehouses was the old town

, and a part of the land was used to build a new university near the school which stayed the same after nine years.

This sentence is a little vague. I think the picture shows that in 2009 the number of schools increased since the word "school" has been written in plural form, while in the left image a singular word (SCHOOL) has been used. If we consider this point, you can write that more schools were built over nine years.

residential area

U can also use "residential district".
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 20, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

label on other peopleOR (each of us)each one of us

in the suburbs of a big city, THE name of the CITY

It would be better to mention the name of the city.

hasn't

DO NOT use contractions

I had to adjust to a new environment with different culture and customs from mine

and sadness overwhelmed merealized how sad I was

eighteen years old

write the numbers over 10 in digits

it helped me to across borders and perceiveunderstand the real world, outside borders ;

a wide range of social and cultural backgrounds

I know your university

mention the name of the university. Why do you think this university is a place at which you can improve yourself?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Attending university classes should be required or optional-Feedback [10]

Attending universities' classes is a routine schedule of students one of activities that students have to do

However, class is not the only source of knowledge

before stating this sentence, you should mention that "class" is known as a place at which students advance their knowledge about a subject. In addition, you should also write the thesis statement of the essay clearly. Before the last sentence of the introduction u did not say anything about this issue that :"should students attend classes?OR Should attending classes be optional or not?".

theone of the reasons why university students should not be required to attend classes is that somesometimes the students in the university can learn better by self-study and the use of otherfrom other sources outside the class room.

Students can also

the topics they

I havehad a close friend who was inat the same department with me in the universitythat I studied at

understandstudy confusing topic

Finally, she cloud graduate as one of the top students of his/her yeargot very good grade when she was graduation .

students should not be required to attend classes because

Repetition.

beneficial things

does not require the students to attend classes

repetition

In the conclusion you should reword the thesis statement before writing an ending statement.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things [3]

I strongly support the importance of passionate interest topassion for achievinganya remarkable goal,

engineering and architectural breakthroughs,

What do you mean?

could lead to the achievement of such a goal.

Nevertheless, we must take into account other factors, which I think isareimportant toocrucial in order to produceingsuch a brilliant idea, like determination, accessiblity of equipments, and self- esteem.

passionate interest

repetition

the most importantsignificant (synonym)factorelement (synonym) which is requiredin order to achieve any goals

foundingestablishment of the biggest software organization in the world , Microsoft.

this successful idea wasthea result of passionatehis strong interest in software designing which he had , in a way that, after he was expelled from Harvard university,

achieve a

repetition. Use synonym.

big personsgreat people/celebrities

It is not common to use the word "person" as a plural word.

The success of many prosperous peoplemost of big persons during past decades is ascribed totheir success toperseverancehard work and determination

For example an Iranian commander, known as Teymour Lang,escapedtook refuge in a lonely, oldto a ruin house after becoming injured during a battle.

watched

the word "gazed" or "stared" is better.

the top of a stone

He narrated the ant had tried 40 times untilto become successfullyin the endcarried wheat to top of the stone

those difficultiesobstacles one

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / An Open Essay entitled Weekend. I need some help to elaborate further. [3]

with our beloved families

which destroys valuable lives and, therefore,as well as our future.

In order to elaborate on the second paragraph I think you can write about the causes that affect our attitudes toward weekends. U talked about drugs and unhealthy activities. So, why do some people choose these types of activities? If you talk about the roots of these problems you can make your essay more attractive.

we are educatedlear how to be organised in order to avoid

Add more detail to this part. How do we learn that? Who teach us? Dose media play a role?

Here are some relevant tips on how one can manage their weekend proficiently.

"Here are" is a little informal. U can write the sentence in this way (just a suggestion):"There are several ways that may help us to use our spare times effectively."

This will allow us to have a better arrangement of activities without missing others as well.

Add an example here.

Be sure to allocate plenty of time for revision as well as some fun and enjoyment to relax ourselves,

write about the effect of relaxation on our mental state and other positive aspects of that.

I think you should connect the forth paragraph to the previous ones. I, as a reader, could not understand why you were talking about yourself. In the second paragraph you talked about some unhealthy activities and in the third one you suggested some ways for spending free time. I think you should work on the cohesion of the essay and try to connect different parts of the essay to each other.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / Extended writting about the life of a child in the industrial revolution [3]

over the past few years life for me and my family has changed . there has been a lot of people settling in our area (What do you mean? You should link the changes to the increase in the population) . I think this change is for the betterment because I have (do not use contractions) met so many new friends (What is the relationship between the change and new friends? It is too vague) . A lotMost of them have told me that there are bigger townscities out there , where I once thought was just more farm land (Revise the sentence. It is hard to understand) . My father says that the demand of the towns are the reason why our farming has changed so much (Is farming changed positively or negatively? What types of changes? Is that a technological change? Add more details.) .

I think you should start the essay with an statement about the industrial revolution because u did not mention what kind of change has occurred. If I were you, I would open my essay with an interesting event or story, which shows how industrial revolution changed my life.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / The bicycle advice from my father [5]

How about this one:"Taking risk is the key of success". As far as I know, a proverb is short and to the point.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Is it worth spending on Animal protection? [2]

In the contemporary century,

As for me, I am in favor of the former.

It would be better to briefly write the reasons why you took this position. This is a way by which you can connect the introduction to the body.

since those animals can be a source of income if we correctly use their potential to make money themselves

hiring professionalsanimal watchers , purchasingsupplying animals' foods

Thus, animal preservation deserves proper amount of time and money of our society.

In the introduction you said that you do not agree with spending much time and money on protection of animals. U supported it through the second and fourth paragraphs, but why did you write an opposite opinion in the third paragraph? I think this paragraph is not appropriate and you should changed it into an opinion to support your idea that you wrote it in the introduction.

To conclude, it is advisable to allocate money and time to make sure that wild animals can prosper and live harmoniously with mankind.

I really confused. I could not understand that you are in agreement with the issue or not? It would be better to take one position, either agree or disagree.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / The bicycle advice from my father [5]

people have to know howto take a riskssometimes in critical moments of their lives

who is an adventurous personenjoys risky things ,

used to talk about this saying a lot when I was a xx year old childyoung

You can make this part of the essay more attractive if you write a very short story through which your father said that saying. Portray an interesting event to attract the attention of the reader.

he also has also experienced severe

about his beliefs

a person can grow up only by facing fear confidently

----> Suggestion :" If a person bravely face frightening an difficult things, the self-development of him/her is guaranteed."

couldn't

Do not use contractions

I couldn'tnotquitecompletely understand the valueworth of taking a risk because I was a cowardcautious person who sought to be safe rather than living in challenging situations

my father bought me a bicycle to teach me how to ride

I abhorred even thinking about riding a bike was frightening for me

which iswas "when losing balance, try to make turns with your body to the direction you are falling off."

Hope the comments help

Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 17, 2012
Undergraduate / Columbia Common App- Naguib Mahfouz [2]

I was assigned to read a novel entitled "Miramar", written by thea great Egyptian author Nagib Mahfouz.

Each chapter inof the novel was narrated by a different character within the story, whowere they discussed theirhis/her journey tofor seeking fulfillment.

the only womenwoman character, Zohara sought(use synonym) after a job and a career

reading the novel multiplefor several times

still did not understand the underlining meaning of the story

the cultural barrier she could not

What kind of cultural barrier? It is not clear. Explain it and make it more apparent.

This led me to read another Mahfouz book, but this time in Arabic.

In the first paragraph u did not mention that you read the translated version of the novel. Add all the details of your experience to convey your message clearly.

Regards
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 17, 2012
Essays / Starting to write a paper on the topic: Smoking in public places [5]

There are lots of articles about this topic in the Internet. You can google "smoking in public places", then read several articles with the same topic to get some clues for writing your essay. Open the introduction with a motivator. For example you can talk about the number of people who die from smoking each day. Then write the thesis statement and finally mention what issues are going to be argued in the body (Blueprint).
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Good contact with nature' - leisure time indoors or outdoors? [2]

it depends on their desire and their personalitiesy

don't stand

Do not use contractions

their life styles

cannot stay between four wallsrestrict themselves in a closed atmosphere .

in ourmy country, (mention the name of your country), ,

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'more than just strict punishment' - causes and punishment of teenager delinquency [2]

The increasingly high rates of juvenile delinquency areis a greatcrucial problem in the modern society

I would explore the reasons of suchthe issue

The introduction is too short, elaborate on it and make it more interesting.

A recent study showeds

Add more details to this to make it more believable. For example:" A recent study, which was conducted in the US in 2009, revealed ...".

more likely to

u used this in the previous sentence. Avoid any repetitions.

those growing up under the control of theirwith parents

A longer term study carried out by University of Michigan over a decade, in 1960's, showeds

and a real crime

experts have

I prefer the word "pundits"

experts have followed ("investigated" is a better word in this context) 856 third grade

youth who watched the crimes shown on TVtelevision crime

more likely to

Repetition

educatingeducation is more

proper instruction is the most crucial factor to let them realize their mistakes and establish the thought that how important to live a prudent life is

If you add an example here, you can make your idea more apparent.

some fundamental skills such as ...

What types of skills? Write your idea clearly.

in order to live in the future

In a nutshell

it would be better to avoid using this since it is an informal phrase.

juvenile delinquency

Repetition

Regards
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / GRE: Palean Baskets were not uniquely Paleans [5]

so ....that is still correct instead of the suggested correction " So that," isn't it?

Yes you are right. I did not pay attention to the "so" that you used in the sentence. I inadvertently made that mistake. You are a great writer :))
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / "On Balmer Island, where mopeds serve as a popular form of transportation [3]

Can you give me some tips on which part should I work to improve my writing?

I think you should work on two main parts :1) organization; 2) Grammar. Pay attention to what Porkbunsrule suggested with regard to the structure of the essay, too.

This is just my opinion .

Good luck
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Undergraduate / "the patient's life" - Common app Short Essay [3]

One thing that has always intrigued me is surgical procedures

I think this one is better.

solveraise a medical problem

I have always been intrigued by surgery. ( One thing that has always intrigued me is surgical procedures). The idea that someone can manually solve a medical problem is fascinating to me

u can combine these two sentences as one. connect them using the words "because", "since", and the like.

I expected to be workingworkaroundin the operating room , but I was spending the majority of my time wasspent elsewhere .

compared to thoseotherof the nurses and doctors.

It frustrated me thatsince/as I could not do a crucial/vital taskmore to help the staff members and patients

U wrote only one line to show that u liked your responsibilities at the hospital and the main part of the essay was allocated to the fact that you wrongly thought about what you did. You should talk more about the things that you learned during that period of time. Limit that part of the essay that you had a wrong attitude toward the job to only one sentence and elaborate on the positive aspects of it.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Essays / Should I mention my health issue in my SOP? [12]

I think you should not mention your health problem. In the SOP you can lie. U can write about a fictional difficulty. For example, you can talk about financial problems, or talk about your father's illness and these sort of things. And then connect this unreal problem to your goals in life and why you want to study in the UK.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Same laws which prohibit the sale and consumption of heroin be applied to tobacco? [4]

you have crossed out the thesis sentence

I crossed out the thesis ??? Are you sure? Do you mean this sentence " It will be discussed in this essay."??? This is not a thesis statement. A thesis is a statement that shows the main idea of the essay. In fact, for writing a thesis statement you should reword the topic. This sentence (It will be discussed in this essay) can be considered as a blueprint. A blueprint is a sentence that shows what issues are going to be argued in the body. In fact it is an outline of the essay. But what you wrote is not an interesting blueprint and for this reason I crossed it out.

The structure of the introduction should be similar to what I wrote below :

1) Motivator/General background: Write an interesting opening statement which gives some general information about the topic. It can be a "question", description", "short story", etc.

2) Thesis statement: Restate the topic as a thesis statement. This part of the introduction shows that the discussion will revolve around what.

3) If the prompt is an "agree or disagree" one, give your opinion as the third part of the introduction.

4) blueprint: This is a statement that connect the introduction to the body. Google "blueprint in writing" to get my point. You can also read about blueprint in the book entitled "The practical writer with reading"

By the way, is English your second language? Or it is a Foreign language for you? Second and Foreign languages are different.

Hope this answers your question.
Regards
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Physical exercise is important issue, should be a required part of every school day [4]

both physically and mentally causes have urged the authorities to to seriously think about this crucial issuemore

then I express my reasons as follow

It would be better to mention your reasons briefly (through several words). In the body you wrote about the effects of sport activities on physical and mental states of people. So, u could write these issues at the end of the introduction.

In addition, the second and fourth paragraphs are revolving around one issue, which is physical state of people and health. Thus, I think it would be better to combine these paragraphs as one in order to improve the unity of the essay.

to behave a healthier life

aware aboutof their body to

the high rate of delicious fast food

High rate of what??? Revise it

First, regular exercise help children to be healthier, because they are not aware about their body to stay fit and with the high rate of delicious fast food, which encourage them to eat it more, then we see a plenty of children that suffer from obesity.

the sentence is too long.

studying whole the day ofat school

plays an important role toin decrease in the stress level, especially in middle of the classes, (use comma here) and it also helps students to be more focused on their lessons and thereby helps them to improvepasstheir achievement tests with better resultsthemselves .

even in an early age

I think "young people" is better to be used in this context.

suffer from problems such as heart disease, stroke and high blood pressure.

U can use the word "cardiovascular diseases"

crucial issue.

u used "crucial" in the introduction. Use a synonym such as "critical", "imperative", etc.

Regards
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / GRE: Palean Baskets were not uniquely Paleans [5]

The other is that the Brim river is so deep and wide so that it cancould be crossed only by boat,

I Changed the tens of the sentence into past tens because you are talking about ancient people and past events.

The proofs provided

does not provecannot be a strong evidence to prove that they arewere manufactured in Palea

the number of basket recovered.

You have already mentioned this issue, so I think it is not necessary to write it again.

to make the argument stronger or less specious.

Good job.
Hope you find the comments useful
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS：globalisation... hold demerits [2]

In this day and agethe contemporary/current century , globalization in terms of business and culture is an irreversible(I think the word "inevitable" is a better word in this context) trend. Some people insist that this trend would generateprovide countries many benefits to countries involved , while others are concerned about the loss of national identities(this phrase has been used in the topic, so it would be better to replace it with "cultural identity") . From my perspective, both sides are reasonable(in this type of topic you should write your opinion in the conclusion, or in a separate paragraph before the conclusion) .

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Same laws which prohibit the sale and consumption of heroin be applied to tobacco? [4]

many people are diseasedcatch different diseases due to the addictionuse of tobacco

This isSmoking not only negatively affectsing the health of people who consume ittobacco/cigarette, but also it affectsinfluences (use synonym) the whole society; including family, friends and neighbors (How it may impact the society? It is not clear enough) . As Addiction ofto tobacco is higher than any other illicit drugs, It is a conundrum that whether government should impose stringent law similar to heroin consumption on tobacconists and tobacco addicts or not. It will be discussed in this essay.

diseases developed byarisen from such addictions.

useful to other area ofimperative society's needs such as education and development of rural areas to improve economic condition.

Such diseases play vital role in damaging relationships

HOW?????

So, today

The words "thus", "therefore", Consequently" are better than "so"

its ripple effect inon the society

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'spending twelve years at high school' - Student Should Work Part-time While Studying [8]

Mostly,Most oftheuniversity students try to find a part-time job at the early years of their studiesstarting attend the universities as the freshmen are always looking for part-time job .

While studying, doing the part-time job doesn't matter if it doesn't effect to their studying

---> The structure of the sentence is not good. Revise it.

I do not know what is the topic. Is that an "agree or disagree" one? is that a question about two opposite views? Please write the topic. Anyway, in the introduction you mentioned some positive aspects of the issue, but in the second paragraph u started the body with this statement that :"different people have different views with regard to the topic". I think the coherency of the essay is not good because I, as a reader, could not find a reasonable trend in your essay.

have different views

while studying is effect to theirimprovement ofpositively influences students' achievementsstudying .

Seeing thing differently, all the people have different view about part-time job. Some of the students and their parents feel that working while studying is effect to their improvement of studying. In contrast, in my point of view I strongly prove the university student to start working while studying.

U should write this part of the essay in the introduction. Organize your essay according to the template that I wrote below:
1) introduction :Motivator + Thesis statement (reword the topic) + Your opinion + blueprint(the points that you want to argue in the body)
2) Body : Write the reasons why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic through at least two paragraphs.
3) conclusion : Restate the thesis statement+ clincher

It won'twill noteffect toaffect their studying

First of all, do not use contractions in writing. Second of all, the word "effect" is a noun and u cannot use it as a verb.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'children play too much computer games?' - IELTS exam criteria [4]

However, an issue whether computers games are harmful to children or not has recently changed into a controversial topic in the modern societiescame to people's mind recently.

As far as I am concerned

This expression is used in speaking not in writing.

People, who support that computer games are dangerous for children, giving some following reasons.

Do not use "following reasons". The topic sentence should be interesting. In addition, it is not appropriate to use the phrase "to begin with" in the middle of a paragraph. It is usually used at the very beginning of a paragraph.

some popular computer games are full of violence,

It would be better to mention the names of some games. When you give some more detail about an issue or an example you can make it more believable and convincing.

which will drive the crime rate

how may it increase the crime rate? It is not clear. U tried to explain it through the next sentence but your supporting sentence was not strong enough. U could talk about this fact that the heroes of computer games are unconsciously changed into role models of children (Some of these superheroes are murderers and criminals).

their mental development

I think the term "cognitive development" is better.

After playing computer games, they will summarize some certain methods to win games. Thus, it is helpful for children to become more intelligent.

add an example to make your idea more clear.

From my part, I want to take a balanced position. There are both advantages and disadvantages to computer games.. When children want to relive the academic burden , children can play some computer games. Parents should take the responsibility to supervise their children in order to make their children not play overly computer games

In the conclusion you should restate the thesis statement (reword the topic) before stating your opinion. In fact the conclusion should include the following parts: 1) Restated thesis statement; 2) Your opinion; 3) Clincher :Ending statement
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the independence and confidence' - family history, culture, or environment and me [4]

the essential point across in such direct

my message acrossto my potential colleges

why Journalism is the best suitedsubject for me

expresses the message in such a way for everyone to comprehend

--->Suggestion :"it is a comprehensive way for conveying a message and it is also a strong method for bringing people with different social and cultural backgrounds closer"

Thus this challenge has createddriven/steered my passion

wherewhen my prime imagination was in full throttle

I was livingWhile living with my grandmother at that time. I remember that she always watched the news while she was preparing my brother and I for going to school

Through thea right guidance I will accomplish my dream and present myself as the nexta news reporter.

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 8, 2012
Essays / My reflections on human development - good topic ideas? [10]

How can we help you? I could not understand what you really want. U need a title for your research proposal. So, ask your supervisor. How do not you know the title of the thesis while you you are going to write a proposal? It is a little strange, isn't it?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Reasons for Study and Support Received [8]

U can also write a general trend through two sentences. For example :"The results reveal that the proportion of people who study for interest rises up as their ages increase, and the revers is true for the students studying for pursuing a career. However, the percentage of employer support shows a minimum point at the age group of xxx. "
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / Lying is always wrong, no matter whether it is a big lie or a white lie [8]

Some suggestions with regard to the introduction:

we have been taught that lying

we also have been educated

The voice of the sentences are passive, because you did not mention that who taught or educate us to lie.

to accept the consequences of myour actions than to lie

---> I think the word "responsible" is a better choice compared to "accept". For example:"It would be better to be responsible for our deeds"

the moreas we grow up (u can also write "as time passes") , the more we knowlearn more about using of lying because telling the truth cannot always solve the problem

It depends upon what purposes that make people totell lieslie

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Reasons for Study and Support Received [8]

there are two charts so if I write a general trend, it's got to be about both of them, or can I just choose one?

Put the charts here, then I may tell you how we can write a general trend

both are column charts.

It would be better to mention this
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK:Popular events are essential in easing internatiol tensions. [7]

Did you write an introduction? Why did you write only one paragraph as the body? Pay attention to the template that I wrote below:

Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement (reword the topic) + your opinion +blueprint
Body: Write at least two paragraphs as the body. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence. Then write supporting sentences and closing statement.
Conclusion : Restate the thesis statement + clincher

Organize your essay according to what I wrote.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 4, 2012
Student Talk / Strategy to improve writing and listening? [12]

For improving listening I recommend you to watch documentary films. Sitcoms are also helpful, especially "Friends".
In order to work on writing I think the best source is a book entitled "The Practical Writer with Reading". This book starts with paragraph writing and gives you wonderful information about the organization and structure of an essay. It also makes you familiar with punctuation.

In addition, you should read various texts to ameliorate your writing skills.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'really hard working'- world you come from and how your world shaped your aspirations [11]

here in California to help us overcome(u can also use the word "raise" as u used "overcome" previously)thissuch hard circumstances.

My parents wanted all of us to be successful in life

I think the word "expect" is better than "want". This is just my opinion

they don't

As I told you, DO NOT use contractions in writing.

they don't want us to be like them who didn't finish

Suggestions: "They did not want their children to choose their ways of life" OR "They want us to choose a new way of life, which is different from what they do"

I remember the time when I was still inthe Philippines

U used "I remember" in the second paragraph. Use various structures for opening the paragraphs. For example U could say:"About xx years ago that I was still in Philippines...". Do not use "THE" before the name of countries.

if I havehad my own family, I wouldn't let my children facedfacethis poverty because I don't want them to sacrifice

I wanted them to have a better life

Suggestion: "I would try to provide them a comfortable atmosphere for living to have a better life than me"

pushes me to be

I prefer the words "drives", and "steers" rather than "push"

I also remember when my

Repetition

I'm proud of her because when she earn lots of money

Revise this part. Making money and searching for father were not linked well.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 division of houeshold tasks by gender [2]

The chart shows the amount of time which men and women spendspent by men and women on six different household tasks per person during a typical day in Great Britain. In general, most of these works has been done by women.

while men spend only a half of this time on the same tasks

spend

Do not repeat this word. Use synonym.

washing, ironing and sewing the clothes which are at 45 and 25 minutes in a day, compare to men who are at 20 and 2 respectively.

Revise this sentence. It is hard to understand

They do thisthese tasks for 49.5 minutes whereas women do them for 21 minutes per person per day

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'living in a house better than in an apartment' - IELTS General Writing 2 [3]

Yes,there are more advantages living in a house than in an apartment.

U should improve your information about organization and structure of an essay. What I quoted above cannot be considered as an introduction. Open the essay with a motivator. Then reword the topic as the thesis statement of the essay, and finally write a blueprint.

The topic is "advantages and disadvantages" type. So, allocate one paragraph to advantages of an apartment or a house and another one to disadvantages. At the third paragraph of the body compare the positive and negative aspects of living in an apartment and a house. In this paragraph u should also give your opinion.

Conclusion: Restate the thesis statement and write a clincher.

In order to write a good essay you should organize your ideas in an appropriate way.

Regards
Ahmad

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