Letters / Europublichealth+ EMJMD- Erasmus Letter of Motivation [2]

Paragraph 3 can be better fomatted to seperate the information. It appears to be an over informed paragraph to me. Try to whittle it down to only the most relevant discussion points so that reader boredom will not set in. The information is so compressed that I found myself losing interest in your essay before I reached the end of the third paragraph. Keep the information connected to the discussion points of the motivational letter prompts. Use only the most impressive information. You do not need to enumerate all of your credentials. Just the most important and impressive ones.

As for your language proficiency, it is impressive. However, I do not see how these relate to the universities you have chosen to study at. Which of these languages relate to your country of study? Your acclimatization discussion will best interest the reviewer if you refer to relevant language proficiency and exposure, through language study, to the culture and social norms of the countries where you plan to study.

* Contact me privately for a private review consultation pertaining to your specific review questions.

Graduate / Erasmus Mundus Masters in Central and East European, Russian and Eurasian Studies Personal Statement [3]

Since you are applying for a masters program, the story about how you grew up in your home country has become irrelevant. The opening paragraph should refer more to your professional , diplomatic, and academic questions regarding the future development of your country. The first paragraph sounds highly elementary and does not really portray yourself as an actual professional with advanced academic and professional considerations.

In the paragraph where your mention specific names, I need to ask if they will be the people writing your recommendation letters for this program? If not, then revise that part to seem more general in approach instead. The people who wrote the references for you will be interviewed to prove that you were not the one who wrote your recommendation letter. So if they will not be part of your scholarship application path, do not mention them at all.

I am worried about your professional exposure as it applies to this field of study. You mention only an internship as a professional qualification and some seminars that, it appears, you attended as a student. That means your professional exposure is weak. It appears you do not have any professional exposure, in relation to your interests, that will support your application. The other applicants will have tremendous international and national related exposures which will give their interest in the course a higher and better degree of importance when compared to yours. Please strengthen this weak link in your presentation.

Scholarship / The UGRAD /global undergraduate exchange program's essay/ - What is you leadership style? [3]

Your opening paragraph is really unnecessary in this essay. You do not need to show a deep insight into leadership and its considerations. You merely need to open with your idea of leadership. Save the division of focus and go directly to your applicable response instead. The creative opening is nice but will not be appreciated by the reviewer who has a limited amount of time to finish reading your response. Go directly to paragraph 2 instead.

Unfortunately, the essay focuses on leadership, but not a leadership style as indicated in the prompt. Before you can answer the rest of the prompt questions, which you somehow missed out on doing in this version, you first need to explain how you lead. Leadership styles include, but are not limited to coaching, visionary, affiliative, democratic, or pace setting, to name but a few of the numerous leadership styles that are used both in business and diplomatic affairs. Do more research. Look up various leadership styles online, these normally come with definitions that can help you assess what kind of leader you are. Then you will be able to properly respond to the first question, leading to more appropriate responses for the rest of the questions since those responses will be based on the way you apply your leadership style.

Undergraduate / THE OTHER ROAD I'LL TAKE - MY BACKUP PLAN IF I DO NOT GET A SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Give your academic plans more focus in the response. That is what the reviewers want to learn about. It will be better to remove the reference to a part-time job since you did not expound on that intention of yours. Your response is correct and on track with the reference to how you plan to continue your education without a scholarship. Your final discussion points are also full of conviction. Making this response a well thought out and forward looking academic plan should you not get the scholarship. Change up the reference in relation to the student loan from "I will see" to "I will acquire". That way you will deliver the image of a student who will not let an obstacle like the loss of a scholarship stop him from achieving his dreams.

Research Papers / Conditions of Mental Illness: How Capitalism is Responsible for the Mental Health Crisis [2]


You are still trying to establish your thesis statement. As such, a general discussion of the cost of mental health in relation to the pandemic is more suited to the paragraph presentation. Such specific information should be saved for the second paragraph, where your actual discussion presentation, as based on facts and figures, are definitely needed in the paragraphs. Just removing this reference improves your thesis presentation tremendously.


I suggest that you mention this in relation to the evolution of mental illness treatment. Historically, doctors were pursuing a cure to mental illness rather than keeping the patient sick in order to collect on insurance. It will help your report to show exactly when the change from "patient" to "customer" happened. It will show that you dove deep into the background of the problem and saw historical basis for your claims.

* Limited review provided due to length. Contact me privately regarding comprehensive review services. Thank you.

Writing Feedback / Studying English language in an English-speaking country is best (but not the only) way to learn it [2]

In truth, your restatement is a bit off target when compared to the original. The idea behind the original is that there are various ways to learn to speak the English language. Your presentation asserts that


So, there is a slight difference in your prompt understanding and restatement but, your response opinion creatively responds to the provided question. That said, there will be some deductions applied to the prompt restatement, but the response essay score should remain untouched.

Your reasoning paragraphs do not support your opinion for the most part. So expect to get a failing score when it comes to correct prompt response format considerations. You are focusing on how English is best learned in an English country, when your response said there were other ways to learn the language. Sadly, the part that applies to your opinion,


This is the response that should have been developed over 2 paragraphs. The advent of technology and how it assists in language learning, along with another reason, such as learning English at local English language learning centers, would have been the most appropriate and best scoring reasoning methods for your opinion.

The essay fails in responding to the task for the most part. It is not, in my opinion, a passing score essay because of the prompt topic alteration and the majority of the non-opinion supporting paragraphs. You have to remember that your reasoning paragraph score will be based on how well you defend your opinion. That means, you do not make any mention of the opposing opinion. Focus only supporting and strengthening your opinion paragraphs because this is a single opinion essay.

Writing Feedback / [ Task 2 - Discussion ] take a job before university [3]


Why are you presenting a personal opinion when the prompt does not call for it? The original discussion instruction just asks you to present the advantages and disadvantages of the topic in 2 paragraphs. Nowhere does it as "Do you agree or disagree?" or "Give your opinion". Where none of these 2 instructions are present, no personal opinion is necessary.

The reasoning paragraphs suffer from a convincing debate development. Both paragraphs lack proper explanation and supporting evidence for the reasons provided. Do not offer more than 2 (dis)advantages per paragraph. The scoring basis of these paragraphs will focus on the connectivity and relevance of the discussion points. So reason 1 must be related to reason 2, with the supporting examples and explanations giving credence to both provided reasons. The presentations in your paragraphs fail to make those connections. The reasoning paragraphs are weak and severely under developed.

You were off to a good start in the concluding summary. However, towards the end, there was an unproven claim that one of the 2 discussion points would ruin a person's life. This is an exaggerated and personal claim not really supported in the given discussions. Since this is a mere restatement of the topic and discussion points, any semblance of a personal opinion or obvious exaggerations should be avoided.

Research Papers / Exploring options for holding corporations accountable - DuPont and PFOA contamination [2]

The hook will be more effective if told through a narration of historical events, without any reference citations. That is because the introduction only establishes the platform of the presentation.It should not be discussing any facts yet. So a simple narration, with a wrap up of the case or lawsuit outcome is necessary. You forgot to include that in your hook. The thesis statement can only be presented after the solid completion of your hook presentation. In this case, you left the reader hanging because you suddenly jumped to a worldwide reference from was a particular reference to the groundbreaking case. The facts of the case should follow only after the summarized case presentation.

The research is being presented from an obvious personal point of view. As a researcher, your job is to present the facts of the case, both pro and con, without showing any partiality to one side. It is obvious in this case that the research has taken a bias approach, which leads the rest of the presentation to be tainted with doubt. The reader cannot reach the end of this paper without being conscious of the fact that the writer has already judged the information, and will not allow the reader to come to his own informed conclusion.

Essays / Could someone explain what does this quote implies? Any advice on this essay will be appreciated. [3]

The quote asks you to think about why you want to become a scientist. What particular aspect of the field do you want to seriously participate in? For example, Elon Musk once admitted to being afraid of the dark. However, he knew (intuition) that he did not need to be afraid of it (logic). So he sought out the reasons why he should not be afraid of the dark (discover). He realized through research and experimentation that there are light creating elements that are not present in darkness. Based on this understanding, he began to develop a better understanding of how solar panels should work and how it should be created (future scientists approach their work). From there, his scientific mind and interest in evolving technology to our benefit was born and what he has raced to learn more about ever since. I hope that this practical example of the quotation will help you better understand what the writing requirements of your statement are.

Letters / Motivation letter for CSE program: "Why are you a suitable candidate?" Why CSE and what next? [3]


This does not make you sound special. This is an ordinary reason that can be used by any young person interested in enrolling in CSE. Had you shown and interest in basic engineering or indicated an early training and foundation in coding, software development, and hardware technology, the paragraph might have become more interesting.


The reviewer will take note in your self taught exposure but, will give little stake to it. Further out of classroom training and hands on exposure will be the factors that set you apart from the other applicants. Who you read and what you learned will not be as impressive as what courses you attended during your spare time and what accomplishments you achieved beyond the classroom education setting.

Writing Feedback / Chart - Anthropology students decisions and Table - salaries of the anthropologists [2]

The task 1 essay and the task 2 essay have different word count requirements. The Task 1 essay requires you to write no more than 200 words since you only have 20 minutes to complete the task. That means, you cannot allot more than 10 minutes to the drafting of the essay, 5 minutes to write it, and another 5 minutes to revise and finalize. You have written 226 words, the essay is over written. The paragraphs needs to be more concise. That means, using lesser words to explain yourself within 3-5 sentences. Since you are watching YouTube vidoes for your tutorial, I am surprised you have not come across this lesson yet.

By the way, this will be the last review you will receive from me. As an educational consultant, I avoid confusing the students who are already learning from other tutors, in this case, your YouTube teachers. Giving you a seperate set of instructions, that may or may not be the same as the videos you are watching will not be beneficial to your learning process. Neither will I alter my advising / teaching style to suit the method you have already learned. Nor will I tell you why the videos might be right or wrong. It is all about personal teaching styles. So, this will be the last review you will receive from me.

While you do have the option to choose between generic YouTube tutorials or targeted improvement advice from me, I am guessing you prefer to use the YT videos since you have indicated in other posts where you advise other students that the advice from the videos have been very helpful to you. Thus negating the authority of the advice I give students as the resident educational consultant here. You have implied to other users here that you do not believe you are getting effective advice from me so I will no longer waste my time helping you.

Letters / Computer Science programme - Stipendium Hungaricum Motivation Letter [2]

Your essay is too generalized in approach. This essay needs to be more specific and longer due to the prompt questions provided. You are simplifying the discussion too much. Due to the abridged presentation, there are no longer any actual academic discussions, academic accomplishments, professional background, professional accomplishments, national project considerations in your presentation. The essay does not respond appropriately to the written interview requirements. In terms of assessment, your essay does not give any strength to your application. You fail to present a conviction based essay that would present you as a worthy candidate for such an important scholarship. This is almost similar to a generic personal statement rather than the letter of motivation that it is required to be. Revise the essay. Respond to each question provided. Be clear, be specific, be impressive. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself to create a stronger and more notable character in this written interview.

Writing Feedback / Two graphs: the number of train riders and the proportion of trains that run on time to the target [3]

Rather than saying "The image on top" and "The image at the bottom", refer to the titles of the images only. Positioning on the page does not matter as much as the accurate explanation of what the images depict. That is because the assumption is that you are writing a report and as such, the positioning on the page does not carry any importance. I applaud how you properly chose and reported on the trend for each image. The separation of trends is evident and creates an easy to understand measurement path for the individual images.

The reporting paragraphs could use a better and more efficient analysis of the presentation. The ideal reporting sentence number is 3, no more than 5. That is because the report becomes clearer using individual sentence analysis and comparison discussions. Your writing portrays a compressed analysis and very little comparison, when there is room for a better analysis and comparative discussion presentation based on the images provided.

Overall, the report is acceptable. It is simple and direct to the point and may score well in an actual setting considering it has 173 words. This score can be improved even further by writing up to 200 words. Do not be afraid to do a more comprehensive reporting job. It is the way that you understand the image and report on it that will help you get a higher score. You will be able to create a more cohesive and coherent report through the proper and more complex use of words and sentence formations.

Undergraduate / Creativity takes courage. Photography and video Statement of Intent. [3]

When writing a statement of intent, go beyond the personal reasons for your considerations. While the personal reasons for your interest at apparent in this presentation, it never went beyond that. You need to discuss more than just the sad life you led. You need to discuss the dreams and ambitions that you carry as a budding photographer. Discuss how photography changed your life and, why you became a better person for it. This essay is just too sad and negative. It needs to balance itself. Talent, academic intent, personal satisfaction, these are all aspects of the statement of intent that need to be addressed within your writing. The title of your presentation is interesting, but the actual essay does not reflect the courage it took for you to become a photographer.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, more and more older people need to compete with the younger people for the same jobs [3]

Good work on the creative prompt restatement that totally changed the word usage from the original, without changing the topic focus. It is clear that you are referring to the age competition among the young and old. You clearly understood how the rephrasing should be presented to the examiner.

However, you failed to provide convincing opinion thesis statements because, rather than responding to the questions provided, you offered a repeat of the questions instead. By repeating the instructions, you did not provide your clear opinion in relation to the 2 discussion questions provided. There are supposed to be 2 discussion topic references that should tie in with your forthcoming explanation paragraphs. So you will recieve points for the restatement, but will not receive enough point considerations for the thesis statements due to the lack of its proper representation in the paragraph.

You have very strong discussion paragraphs that clearly and appropriately represent the problems and solutions as required. There is a clear relationship between the discussion paragraphs as well. The topics presented are coherent and cohesive. Good work. You stayed on track regarding both discussion questions and developed these ideas in a manner that increases your overall score. Word usage was simple, but applicable to the discussion. You did not seek to impress the examiner with advanced English words used out of context. The simplicity of your discussion is the overall strength of this presentation.

The conclusion is problematic though. You wrote less than 40 words in that paragraph. It lacks the required elements of:
- Topic restatement
- Summarized causes
- Summarized solutions
- Closing sentence

This inaccurate summary conclusion, along with the incorrectly formatted opinion statement in the restatement+opinion paragraph are the weakest portions of this presentation. These will be the score reducing sections and can really pull down your final score in the process. These are the sections you should work on improving the next time you write a prompt that uses the causes and solutions format.

Writing Feedback / How the Internet affect one's critical thinking? [4]

The reasoning is good. The evidence presented is based on public knowledge, the slant supports a clear opinion. The work is acceptable and on point in support of a clear opinion coming from the writer. However, you tend to overwrite in your sentences, which lessens the clarity and discussion focus. Keeping the sentences concise will help you avoid doing that. The formation of your sentences also need some work because the words used are sometimes incomplete or incorrect in the sentence. However, these do not lessen the understanding of the work. You still manage to avoid confusing your reader so your GRA deductions will be less as well. That is not to say that you should not try to write perfect English sentences because you should. That is one of the aims of this test, to see how well you use the English language in explaining your thoughts even though it is only your second language.

Scholarship / SI scholarship for master's studies in Sweden [2]

Your referral is coming from a very personal place in writing this reference. You are obviously very personally involved in his life and in perspectives. It is the referee who wrote the reference letter. The reviewer will see that and immediately decline your application. The reviewers are trained to spot reference letters written by the applicants and signed by someone else. This is an automatic disqualification reason.

The best thing you can do is ask the person referring you to actually write a reference letter and then fix the letter in terms of format and wording before he signs it. Or, you can ask him what he would want to say about you and you can write a letter based on his point of view. You cannot write a reference letter for yourself. Ask someone else to write it for you.

The letter is obviously a mere repetition of the statement of purpose and motivational statement. Both of which should not factor into the letter of recommendation which focuses more on your abilities as a student, rather than as a professional. That is, unless the letter is written by your work supervisor, in which case the academic references should be ommitted since he should not be concerned with those information, only your work expertise and ability to lead or your participation skills and energy as a team member.

The letter itself has highly unprofessional wording, awkward formating, and sentence formation errors that the trained reviewer will immediately spot as having a non-academic create the recommendation. Neither was it written by a direct supervisor or higher officer within the workplace. There are so many clues in the writing of this paper that will immediately disqualify your application. What you think is not obvious, it obvious to the trained eye.

Writing Feedback / Question 18: Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than [2]


To what extent? The measured response is required. You need to frame your response to show a measured or analytical element to your response. I would have framed this, based on your response opinion, as:

I disagree with this opinion to the extent that there are valid reasons for art to recieve equal funding as public services.

Notice how the extent of my disagreement is clearer in this presentation? The measurement exists to show where my disagreement with the statement starts and ends.


Remember that your opinion is scored based on 2 considerations:
- Clarity of your opinion
- Strength of your opinion

Both are not met by your response due to the clear uncertainty of your presentation. Your opinion is not a valid one.

The reasoning instructions do not support the equality of funding opinion that you stated. That is because neither reason presents any commonality in the reasoning that show an equal importance for funding, when done side by side. For example, an equal argument would be:

Funding for the arts is based on the idea of teaching people about beautification. These are done in museums through sculptures and paintings. Sponsoring the artists who create these pieces. Public services also serve to beautify our surroundings. These are done through public landscaping and artistic murals. Therefore, funding for the arts is equivalent to funding public services.

See the commonality and connectivity in the discussion. It is a clear, coherent, and cohesive discussion of a reason why public services and the arts should recieve equal funding. This is the type of reasoning that would earn you a higher scoring consideration in an actual setting.


The requirement is for you to restate the reasons you provided in the earlier paragraphs through a simple and quick restatement. This is not a completely developed concluding summary paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows the employment rate of males and females in South Africa, Chile, Finland, Norway [2]

When you write the summary overview, of which the trending statement is included, you will need to limit the information for your trend. In this current presentation, you actually began a comparison discussion already, which should be presented in the next 2 paragraphs. The trend should only indicate the first sentence. The rest is an over statement already. You should be careful never to start the discussion in the trending paragraph. Good work on the summary overview though. The examiner would have preferred to see at least 2 summary sentences rather than this long and compressed sentence, you managed to avoid confusing the reader with the provided information so the run-on deductions will not be too severe.


This is a connecting word. It is often used to connect a previous sentence idea to the next one. It is not used at the start of a sentence, much less at the start of a paragraph. Why? There is no information to connect at that point yet. The trending paragraph stands alone and should not continue into the reporting paragraphs.


There is no concluding statement requirement in the task 1 essay. There is no opinion discussion presented in this task, so there is no need to summarize or close the discussion. Your approach is actually incorrect if we consider the paragraph format for the task. The format is:

Paragraph 1 - Summary overview + trending statement
Paragraph 2 - Analytical report
Paragraph 3 - Comparative analysis
Paragraph 4 - (Optional, used only when 2 images are provided) Additional discussion points

I apologize but I cannot offer you a score for this essay. You have to contact me privately for the rubic based scoring analysis of your essay. Scores are not part of our free review services.

Undergraduate / WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU? WHY? (UBC but can be used in other university/scholarship applications) [2]

I believe that you have over philosophized your response to the point where it lost its logic and common sense references. In fact, using the Albert Einstein quote is where the problems with your response started. Remember that when Albert Einstein was quoted as saying this, he had already lived a lifetime of experience, which directly indicates the clarity of his thought.

You have not lived enough experiences in this lifetime to make the reviewer believe that knowledge gained by a lifetime of experience is what is important to you. I would not advice that you continue using this response. It is over reaching and, your explanation asks the reviewer to suspend his disbelief of what you are sharing in this statement. Even if he does that, your response does not solidly deliver a believable response.

What is believable to you? Consider your personal code of ethics, your personal code of conduct, your family, your friends, your ability to empathize, these are some acceptable response topics that you can use. These will not ask the reviewer to believe something that he will find questionable based on the basis of the response topic.

Your response should actually be:
What is important to you? Education
Why: Education builds my insight into the world around me, regardless of whether it is learned in the classroom, virtually, or through life experiences.

I've given you an idea of how to refocus your response for clarity and believability. It is up to you to expand and improve, or totally change your response based upon this suggestion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Discussion about advantages and disadvantages of GREEN ENERGY. [4]

Okay, if you want to use the 2 reasoning paragraph option for this discussion then you need to use the correct written debate format for it. That means, you first discuss the public opinion, giving the supporting reasons for it, then, in the same paragraph, explain why you agree or disagree with the option. You cannot use one paragraph for one general discussion then move on to your personal opinion.

Given the general discussion presentation in this essay, you appear to be delivering your personal opinion rather than an analysis of the public reason. That is because of the lack of proper point of view referencing based on the "Some people" and "others" discussion references from the original prompt. This is an invalid discussion format that does not clearly address the prompt discussion instruction.

A clear comparison discussion must be presented for both reasons representing the strength and weakness of each public opinion, with your personal opinion addressing what you think of each public consideration in each paragraph. That will indicate that you truly analyzed the points for discussion based on public and personal perceptions.

This essay is only partially correct in presentation format. It offers a general and personal discussion that may or may not be scored highly by the examiner based on the task accuracy requirements.

Scholarship / Japanese-European Master program - Erasmus mundus scholarship [2]


You are jumping a whole timeline here. The Covid outbreak was not till 2019. So your interest could not have gone from the Mars rover landing to Covid directly. There is a whole timeline related to interest development missing here. You are introducing the development of your interest, you cannot go from A to Z immediately, skipping everything related in between.


Aside from taking these subjects, can you indicate your most impressive GPA as an undergrad? More importantly, can you mention any academic honors or competitive awards you garnered? These will help to establish your academic competence even further.

*Limited review provided due to the length of the essay. Contact me privately for a comprehensive review of the full essay.

Undergraduate / Share your reasons for choosing AIF Computer Science program at Waterloo. Why this school? [2]

It is obvious that you have done much research into the course listing for your chosen major. You can mention these very well in the essay but, aside from telling the reviewer what he already knows about the course, you do not tell him how the course will apply to your vision of your future career, which is a given in this statement. Simply saying the program is known for its vigor, anong other things, does not indicate a true excitement about your university choice. Where is the personal connection? What excited you about the course and university beyond the template explanation?


Why? How does the existence of women in this field, or, how does your entry into the field hopefully open areas for women? Why is it important that you do that from the learning fields of Waterloo?

It appears to me that the total statement needs to be revised to allow you to deliver a more personalized response approach to the prompt.

Scholarship / I always wanted to be a leader. The values and beliefs you hold strongly to - with examples [2]

Leadership is composed of core leadership values. You cannot use leadership in general as a value you hold dear as this does not depict a particular core value of a leader. It will be best for you to revise that reference to indicate a clear core leadership value that will directly tie in with your belief system. The most effective values and beliefs essays are the ones that perfectly combine the two requirements into one presentation. This will create a clear depiction of your moral character, one of the basis for admission consideration for some reviewers as this tells them the kind of character the person applying for admission has. These core values and beliefs should somehow, tie in with the same values and belief system of the university. That said, you will need to revise your examples in both instances to better relate the discussion to the new values and beliefs concept that you will be presenting.

Undergraduate / "The teaching process" - Personal Importance Essay - NTU Undergraduate [3]

Here is the thing, you are applying for admission to an undergraduate course that is related to education. However, you are misrepresenting yourself in the essay as being an experienced teacher already, rather than a volunteer mentor. You need to differentiate between being an actual teacher, and being a positive influencer who helps other, younger people learn about their interests. There is a tremendous amount of difference between being a volunteer mentor and being a teacher. Though both are educators in a way, one has greater responsibility than the other.

You should open with "My greatest talent is teaching, By teaching, I influence others to... but I am not an actual teacher yet. I am a mere shell of one." Then follow it up with, "That is why I became a volunteer mentor..." That way there is no confusion regarding what your actual personal importance reference is. You also avoid accidentally presenting yourself as a trained educator already. If you misrepresent yourself, you may not qualify for undergraduate admission. Change your wording and references to indicate the amateur nature of your "teaching" experience. You are coming across as too professional already, which could be a negative for your application essay.

Graduate / Professional and cultural experiences shaped your career goals/ how this major will help to that [3]

The puzzle reference is more of a family tradition than a cultural tradition, which is what the essay is asking you to discuss. I believe the essay will be better served in reference to the cultural experiences if you replace the puzzle section with some other cultural tradition that could maybe tie in with the puzzle, or not. Remember, the reviewer is looking at you from the perspective of a potential diversity applicant. The more diverse the culture of your country, as opposed to your family culture / traditions, the better you will come across in the consideration aspect. The culture of your society should have some contribution to the way you shaped your career goals.


This sentence is kind of disconnected. There is a missing thought reference somewhere in the middle. Maybe skip this part and focus on revising the puzzle reference only? This paragraph does not exactly fit the prompt requirement anyway.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Prince Edward Island, Colonel Gray Highschool and reasons why you want to enter this school [2]

While the prompt seems to indicate that you should use an outline format to respond to the questions, the reality is that the reviewers will be looking for your ability to write an engaging and imaginative essay in paragraph format. That way you can take the reviewers along with you on your journey of discovery and how these indicators led to your decision to attend Colonel Grey High School.

Remember, your outline titles count as part of the word allowance. Do not waste that count. Outlining your response is totally unnecessary since your essay is pretty solid at this point. You just need to connect the paragraphs better to allow for a more integrated response. Revise the essay to blend the outlined responses instead.

Truth be told, the first half of this presentation sounds like it was taken directly from travel websites and researched information. There is no personal connection between the places and your decision to attend the high school. Work on creating the personal connection in the blended response. Focus less on the image and more on the way that you believe you will benefit from exposure to these places in terms of your physical, mental, academic, and social development as a high school student.

Writing Feedback / TASK2 Nowadays, more and more people choose to be parents later. Several reasons and various effects [2]

The prompt restatement is extremely weak. The first sentence, which is the prompt restatement, does not carry a logical presentation. When is late? Later in life? At a later age? When they are older? Restating the prompt requires you to not only find equivalent words to use, you also need to make sure that the thought of the sentence is properly translated in your version. You failed to do that.

You do not answer the questions provided either. So you are not delivering a clear reasoning line / opinion statement to the examiner either. You will not get a score when you do not respond to the question. You gave an empty response since there are no established discussion topics for the reasoning presentations.

The topic statement of the first reasoning paragraph is highly confusing. An ENL will read that and say "Nothing makes sense in that sentence". You need to clearly state what the topic is about. In this case, you stopped short of actually mentioning the focal point in the discussion paragraph.

The main problem you have with your presentation is your thought process. You seem incapable of clearly transfering your thoughts from your mind to the screen. There is a disconnection between your thinking in Chinese and your typing in English. You need to have a tutor present when writing your essay. That way, you can be supervised with regards to your sentence formation and your ability to create coherent sentences. Right now, you tend to lose points in the C+C and GRA sections. Low scores in these areas will cause you to fail the test.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - RADIO AND TV; the proportion of the audiences in the UK of radio and TV throughout the day [2]

You are misinforming the reader about the image information. You are using the terms morning and dinner time, when the graph refers to noon and midnight. The examiner cannot give you a passing TA score when you have 2 violations indicated:

- Wrong image information reference
- Run-on Sentence presentation instead of individual sentence information sections

Yes, the information starts at 6 AM. However, the image is asking you to take note of the comparison usage times between noon and midnight. These highlight points should have been properly indicated in the summary overview. These should have been used to represent the trending statement, at the very least.

You are not paying attention to your word usage and word accuracy either. The essay shows clear evidence of careless writing and disinterest in increasing your LR, GRA, and C+C scores. There are several wrong word usage presentations that will decrease the GRA and LR scores specifically. (Hint: There is a big difference in the meaning of moon and noon. Which one was indicated in the image?) Do not assume that your draft essay is the final version. You should take at least 5 minutes to review your essay and correct the errors that you should be able to spot on your own.

Writing Feedback / The printed newspapers or books will become obsolete because everything will be available online [3]


The examiner already knows that you need to present personal reasons in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. This response does not give a proper discussion foundation to the next 2 paragraphs. You can only present a properly supported response+thesis statement by indicating the 2 personal reasons that you will be discussing. That is the only way to increase your TA score based on the "clear opinion" requirement for that scoring section.


Wrong word usage. Ancient times refer to Anno Domini and Before Christ times. There were no newspapers then. Newspapers were first invented / printed in the 18th - 19th century. These are considered fairly recent times rather than ancient times. Ancient refers to a time long past, especially before the end of the Western Roman Empire a.d. 476. Now, you may be referring to ancient as a slang definition for someone of really advanced age. Then refer to them as elderly or old people, even senior citizens. That is because word usage matters in the task 2 essay. Avoid using slang terms and use direct reference words instead to show that you know how to write academic papers using the correct formal English words properly.

The second reasoning paragraph is a confusing mix of topics, without proper explanation development. You are not scored on reasoning number, you are scored on reasoning clarity. So pick one or two reasons that will connect properly to the first reasoning paragraphs that you can clearly and convincingly explain to the reader.

*Scoring is done privately. Contact me directly for more information.

Essays / The necessity to present the volunteer and leadership experience in commonwealth shared scholarship [2]

I believe that you are asking about the requirement for the personal statement right? There is a portion in that prompt that indicates:

You should indicate areas in which you have already contributed, such as having overcome any personal or community barriers to higher education.

You have to represent your personal discussion based on previous educational sponsorships that entailed some sort of community service as a payback for the scholarship. There are scholarships that have a socio-civic slant that requires their sponsored students to undertake some sort of community service to help payback their scholarship, without actually using money as payback. These scholarships help to train future leaders and community influencers in their local countries and communities.

If you choose to represent the community, then yes, you need to fully represent the volunteer and leadership experience as well. Since you indicate that you do not have any experience to present for the reviewer's consideration, then this is not the scholarship for you. Choose another scholarship that does not focus so much on community service and leadership experience. There are some out there that you could consider. You just have to do a search to find the one that suits your background the most.

Writing Feedback / "How to Popularize Electric Car?" only the third paragraph [2]

Well, it is certainly difficult to review this paragraph for proper development and weak points without reading the first half of the essay or, the whole essay for that matter. It is important to understand that I am going to be doing a blind review here, and my statements may or, may not be applicable to your writing since I have not read the whole essay. This is a general review that you will have to take at face value.

I find that the paragraph is heavily reliant on in-text citations, but the writer does not expand enough on the citations through personal opinion presentations and opinions. The connection is a bit hard to create when you use so much words from other people, and so few of your own. Try to expand on the reasons why you chose to use such a citation in relation to your topic focus whenever you can.

Additionally, you can divide this paragraph into 2. My advice is to seperate the publicity discussion since it is a seperate presentation topic from the early content. That way you allow yourself room to further develop and interesting and relevant discussion covering more aspects for consideration.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay - THE VALUES AND BELIEFS; "hard work will never betray the result" [3]

Your discussion does not portray values and beliefs. It only portrays your observation of your surroundings and your actions to improve these situations. These references are not indicative of a values and belief structure as referred to in the prompt. You have to think of values such as integrity, an honor code, a personal principle, or the like in connection with your belief which could be about "equality, importance of family, moral strength, or similar topics. You can look up the commonly referred to values and belief structures online for your reference. Needless to say, this essay is not going to be usable since it does not deliver the correct response to the prompt. Maybe you got your prompts confused? This sounds like it belongs to a personal statement instead. Maybe you can double check your content?

Writing Feedback / Some specialists think that learning a foreign language at primary school is more vital for children [2]


The prompt indicates: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. It does not indicate: Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? You are faced with 2 different types of prompts. One asks for your personal opinion, the other, asks for a general discussion. This essay asks you to use the general discussion format. Your response format is incorrect when compared to the expected prompt question response.

The reasoning discussions properly covered the general discussion considerations and references. So these will receive an appropriate score. However, the conclusion is a failure because it contains a personal opinion which was not asked for in the original prompt. In addition to that, there is a formatting violation in the conclusion because the personal opinion is only presented as a stand alone 3rd paragraph. The conclusion only serves to recap the previous discussion. The essay will be considered unconcluded and in the process, could be given a failing score due to the missing conclusion presentation as expected.

Letters / Motivation letter for Stipendium Hungaricum Schoolarship - Bachelor in architecture engineering [3]


Refrain from mentioning childhood as a reference in these motivation letters. The aim is to convince the reviewer that you were motivated by an adolescent exposure that influenced your interest in architecture. This negates the idea of childhood exposure, which reviewers often view as a useless exaggeration that is aimed to impress them. It does the exact opposite. Start with the second sentence instead.


Yet, you took no steps to become exposed to the arena of environmental architecture? This is not a convincing presentation in that case. You trained to become a regular architect from the start. You have to show some exposure to environmental architecture somehow. Your training needs to support your motivation.


How does the country focus on environmental architecture? This is the aim of your desire to study in Hungary right?

Writing Feedback / [WRITING TASK 1] The chart shows the employment status of adults in the US in 2003 and 2013 [2]

For the summary overview, you need to learn to use individual sentence references for each thought or idea presentation. While you can present a single sentence with all of the information, this could result in a GRA score deduction based on the confusing sentence content and the existence of a run-on sentence, when the requirement is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. The individual sentences will add to the clarity of the presentation due to the pauses created, which gives the reader an opportunity to better understand the information you are sharing. Single sentences will always provide a better score than long, compressed sentences.

There should only be one trend presented in the trending sentence. That is because the other aspects need to be presented as a part of a comparison and analysis of the information. Where there are two possible trends for presentation, pick the one that seems to be most important to the summary presentation.

Writing Feedback / Essay task 1: the number of social networking sites people used in Canada in 2014 and 2015. [2]

Excellent work on the summary overview and the trending statement. You have presented a well summarized report that shows the clear points for analysis. However, you have a punctuation mark missing, a period, at the end of the trending statement and that, even though it is just one small error, will be noticed and be given a small GRA markdown by the examiner. Be aware of your writing errors, Always proofread and look for any oversights on your part.

The analysis paragraph should have been divided into 2 as the image shown provides for a 3 comparison grouping system. There are 6 portions for analysis in total. That should cover 3 sets of information per paragraph for analysis. It would have delivered a clearer and more analyzed reporting format to the examiner. Using 4 paragraphs would not have hurt in this presentation as it would have allowed for more clarity in the report presentation.

As far as this work goes, it is not a bad report, but the GRA error and formatting errors cannot be missed either. There will be some deductions applied. However, I do not see those as warranting a failing score for this presentation. It may get by based on a base passing score, or a little higher than that.

Writing Feedback / The amount of waste that people in one European country disposed of in 3 different ways [2]


You did not complete the image identification. While this is a graph, it needs to refer to the specific type of graph as there are several types of graphs that can be referred to in a task 1 essay. In this instance, the complete image is known as a columnar graph, the other being a bar graph, and the last type, a line graph. Please familiarize yourself with the various image types due to its necessity in the accuracy consideration of your report.

Missing from your summary overview is the type of measurement used, which is in the million tonnes. Otherwise, you presented a well summarized presentation of the important parts of the image. The overall report is acceptable enough. It shows a quick run-down of the information and comparison, but could have used a little more analytical reference to help increase the C+C score. Good job though. The essay will not get a failing score.

Writing Feedback / ielts 2: The substitution of one-government of the world for the individual countries governments [4]

The prompt restatement is confusing and your opinion response made it even more confusing for the reader. It is difficult to decipher what you mean in this paragraph even after several readings. Therefore, this paragraph will not get a passing preliminary score due to the confusing statement presented and the GRA score for this section will be failing as well since it failed to avoid confusing the reader even after several reviews of the paragraph. This is a bad start for the essay. It has already failed in the preliminary score, so the actual score may not be a passing one anymore. Next time, try to paraphrase every paragraph in a clear manner. Do not try to compress the discussion points in the paraphrasing because your English skills do not allow you to do that yet. Your English skills are still at the basic level. Do not try to write at an advanced level yet. That could cause you to fail the test.

In the second paragraph, the examiner does not care about the discussion that opposes your point of view. It should not be taken up as a discussion point in your response. You are only allowed 2 paragraphs to present acceptable evidence that that supports your point of view. In this case, only 1 paragraph does that. So the examiner will have no choice but to score your essay based on an under developed and little explained discussion. Unless 2 supporting discussions are presented and explained, the essay will not be considered completely developed.

Based on the presentation problems, it will be difficult for me to assure you that you will get a passing score for this essay. It does not seem possible at this point.

Writing Feedback / The digital revolution has fundamentally changed the way that people absorb and transfer information [2]


Since you are not being asked if the statement originally made is true or false, there is no need to swear by the validity of the statement. You can skip the "It is true" part and just go directly to the topic restatement. That is all that is required of the presentation anyway. Just 3 sentences covering:

- The restated topic
- the problems associated
- Possible solutions related to the problem
Such a discussion should not take more than 3 sentences to present your restatement + question responses. Do not add information to the discussion because it causes restatement falsities that could be deducted from your TA score.

Good work in the discussion presentation paragraphs. These are highly connected and valid reasoning points. The main problem that you now face relates to the conclusion. You have incorrectly spelled words that affect the clarity of the sentences:


= constraints

Additionally, parents cannot be referred to as


. Rather, you may refer to them as parentage or paternities. Individuals basically means people, and people, do not really care about how the internet affects children, unless they are the parents of the children.