Scholarship / I have a plan to major in advertising or journalism; Scholarship/ Personal Statement [3]

.... Great advice by shuynh4 ... I too feel that your response sounds too direct.


For two years, I want to acquire basic knowledge on communication methodologies and graduate with an Associate of Art from Seattle Central. .... you acquire knowledge and learn subjects


... it's good to tell that you've got great achievements, but avoid comparison... it sounds as if you are too competitive in nature.

Writing Feedback / It is true that the past stays in the past; Past or future [5]

Yes.... you display good writing skills. I didn't have any idea that this is written for a TOEFL Test when I first commented on this. Just remember to follow the four para essay structure for this task. Introduction+ 2 Body paras + Conclusion.

Let me provide you with some feed back on this one having this TOEFL structure in mind;
Introduction is fine. You introduce the topic and express where and when you want to go back (as the prompt suggests you).
However, though your first body para gives a good reason as to justify your wanting to go back to that particular event, it lacks a more specific example to back up the reason. You could have said that you would choose a different person to handle a particular job, because the one that you employed already did not have skills required for the job.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- It's important to address root causes in order to reduce criminal activities! [3]


People hold many different opinions as how to reduce crime rate?


.... why do you classify that as a modern idea.... I think that really does not have much logic behind. There is no bearing on time for this issue. Your prompt actually does not talk about two sides. It's asking you whether you agree with it or not. This is what I suggest for your introduction;

People hold many different opinions as how to arrest crimes happening in society. Some people believe that it is important to address the root causes that promote people to engage in such criminal activities. They believe it is not enough to depend on the police to address this issue. In my opinion, I am also in favor of this view and believe that causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities, need to be addressed if we are to build a crime free society.

Undergraduate / 'repairing electronics' - My Life Experiences/Interests to enrich community [4]


This one got very good ideas, but its length somewhat dilutes its effect. I suggest you to shorten it or breakdown to two or more sentences to have your flow arranged better. This is my suggestion;

For me, a University Degree does not mean a mere paper qualification. I perceive it as something that provides me with in depth knowledge and necessary skills that I can apply in real life scenarios.


Coming from a family where none of my parents nor my siblings have attended college, I have a big dream to change this trend.

Writing Feedback / GRE argument: Super Screen Movie Production Company [3]


... Your prompt does not tell that the production of Super Screen movies had been lowered. As I understand it speaks of a shrinking market where such movies has lesser number of viewer. So, in my view, the part "occasional appearance of good movies" is somewhat irrelevant. However, you are quite write by saying ;

Writing Feedback / Impacts of modern medical science on society. [2]


.... you have grammar issues here. Also you idea is not presented very clearly. This is my suggestion;
Advancements in the field of medicine have enhanced efficiency in diagnosing and treating sicknesses of the people.


These modern developments have enabled people to lead healthy lives and survive for longer periods.

Writing Feedback / The crease on my mom's forhead ; Motivation [3]


... sounds confusing :( why you say - her word would be lecture?



.... this line is too long and therefore disturbs your flow.... Consider shortening it.


... great idea :D ... good one indeed. However, sometimes you can be motivated for doing wrong too :)


I want the crease on my mom's forehead to vanish forever.

Writing Feedback / It is true that the past stays in the past; Past or future [5]


...nice opening :)


.... how about present? I think it is more important for him to enjoy today as future is not yet born.



First thing I understand clearly is that it is the team spirit that makes the project go forward successfully.


I would define my team all over again and select the most appropriate people for their respective tasks.

Graduate / I envision myself in two ways ; Statement of purpose Petroleum Engineering [2]


... This line looks a bit crowded. Better improve it by shortening the sentence ; one idea for one line.
From a young age itself, I have always been fascinated by science and inventions; how a law is postulated and obeyed.


I found a great pleasure in carrying out scientific experiments like making an iron pin to float on water. As I grew I got deeply involved with science subjects like Mathematics, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Geography

Here's a link for you to get some idea about writing a personal statement:

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Impact of computer usage on children. [8]


Well.... IELTS is an exam that tests your English proficiency so in that respect, your arguments have somewhat less importance. However, this is an essay task and if you come up with strong arguments then they would help you impress the examiner. It would work in your favor for sure because your marks depend on the mood of the examiner. So, it's your job to impress him :D

You have very good writing skills and no doubt about that. You follow a good essay structure. But, I think you should take what eileenalien said a bit more seriously as it would certainly help you to get the maximum benefit with your writing talents :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, Communicating via e-mail and voice mail vs Telephone and face-to face [3]


.... This sentence does not have any grammatical issues. However, I prefer if you introduced the topic theme to the reader and then state your opinion.


... great point .... very well presented :)


Secondly, e-mail supports anybody without having any geographical or time barriers.
Seems you have really great ideas. Improve the presentation a little bit and then this would stand out other essays.

Writing Feedback / Subject: Factors contributing to JOB SATISFACTION/ How realistic they are? [5]


... Wish you presented this in a more simpler manner;
In modern society, people spend more time at work by doing either full-time or several part-time jobs.


... I'd advise you not to have more complicated phrases. That strains the interest of your reader. :( ... Write with simple, appropriate words :)


... it better reads if you just say " In my opinion"

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Impact of computer usage on children. [8]


... This needs some improvement in presentation;
Another reason as to why it is good for children to use computers is that children would tend to spend more time at home rather than playing outdoors. ... However, I don't think this is a positive in terms of healthy growth of children. In my view, children need to socialize and interact with other people in order to learn many important social skills. Those are very important for them to be successful and happy in their adult life.

This is a good essay except for the reason in your second body para. Excellent essay structure :)

Writing Feedback / In many countries schools leave severe problems with student behavior. [2]


.... discipline and behavioral programs are two things, so they need to be treated as plural.


... convicted to anti-society?
Furthermore, these reasons lead children to become physically violent adults who would also carry a harmful attitude towards society.


I personally believe that the negligence of parents and teachers is the main reason for this social issue.

Writing Feedback / Co-ed education versus single sex education; Which is better? [3]


.... what would be your main consideration?


... make this simpler;
For many parents it is that whether they should admit their children to a co-ed education school or a single sex school. Both of these systems have their own advantages and disadvantages

I prefer if you stated what your opinion is in this introduction itself.


.... This sentence is very confusing... I cannot get your idea at all... I think you should re-phrase this line.


.... what do you mean by this phrase?

Scholarship / Mind/body medicine; What are your educational goals? / Goddard College [4]


Several years ago, I did not have any health insurance and so did my friends.


.... The link is pretty weak between the first line and the second or third. The reader tends to wonder why you talked about insurance because it does not have any reference to rest of the paragraph.


In pursuit of my studies, I intend to incorporate academic projects that have a significant influence on my studies as well as my skills as a coach.



This internship is very important for my educational exposure because by providing support I would be more confident while gaining invaluable interpersonal skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Suggestions for the densely populated countries. [3]


... this is your essay... may be you can say " in the following paragraphs"


.... what the prompt suggests is that these countries not only overpopulated, but have unsustainable population growths. So, these countries need to bring the growth rates to a sustainable level. You need to highlight that point.


First, the individuals need to co-operate a lot in efforts of achieving an appropriate level of population.


Moreover, people should be promoted to have maximum one or two kids per family. This can be done by educating them about the benefits of smaller families such as happier family life, more opportunities, healthier lifestyle etc. Advertisements and media can be used extensively in such efforts.

Scholarship / I have financial constraints for pursuing a tertiary education; SCHOLARSHIP/ Reasons [8]

Let's give these information to them indirectly.

Let's begin the response like this;
"When you do the best, God will do the rest" - this quote is the lamp that guided me, and always will, throughout my academic career. I still remember how uncomfortable I felt when I missed lessons due to falling sick. I never wanted to let classes go unattended. I never wanted to postpone studies until the exams reached close. I was always responsible, enthusiastic and organized student. I had one big dream since my young days; I want to be a learned man and serve my country. This vision of mine motivated me to excel in studies ???(now tell about a few academic accomplishments)

"All works and no play make Jack a dull boy"; I was never a "dull boy". I have had taken part in many activities which held by different society or clubs, I was then given chance to organize activities with others and lastly I was given the opportunity to be the president of St. John Ambulance in my school. These activities taught me how to manage my time well in order to maintain my good grades while engaging in extra-curricular activities. More than everything else, it taught me to be an excellent team player.

Hope this helps... :)

Writing Feedback / Neighbors are the people who live near us. What are the qualities of a good neighbor? [4]



.... How about this?
Because of this they become an integral part of social environment we live in.
Therefore it is important for us to get closelyto know our neighbors closelyto feel comfort about our livesin order to lead comfortable lives.

So that, I think there are several qualities that people who live near to us should contain neighbors need to have.They should be respectful, helpful and dependable.

.... good sentence

Writing Feedback / Subject: Factors contributing to JOB SATISFACTION/ How realistic they are? [5]

Ok.... then about body paragraphs; You should give reasons in your body paras and support them with specific examples. My suggestion is to limit one reason to one body para and limit the number of body paras to 2. That's the best way to manage time for this task.


.... This is found in your first body para, but it should have been moved to the previous introduction paragraph. In the intro, you introduce your topic theme and then state your opinion.

Scholarship / I have financial constraints for pursuing a tertiary education; SCHOLARSHIP/ Reasons [8]

Sure I will :) .... It's not as lousy as you think and has lots of potential to improve.


Pay attention to what I suggested in my previous comment. Tell them how passionate you are about continuing your studies. Add feelings and emotions when you explain that. Then talk about your achievements, credentials, skills and abilities that would convince them that you deserve an opportunity to study further. Then tell them about your financial constraints.

Waiting to help with your new draft ;)

Writing Feedback / Comparison of three hostels in Sydney [6]


.... since you started with "although" you cannot have "but"


Although Central YHA charges the highest, their price does not include meals or drinks. They provide breakfast at a charge of USD 6.82. However, the price of Backpackers HQ is inclusive of breakfast while the World Square Hostel facilitates self-catering. Further, both these hostels provide their guests with a luggage room whereas Sydeny Central YHA does not offer this facility.

Scholarship / Plan to encourage students to pursue a higher education degree; SCHOLARSHIP [2]


... I think it's better you qualify the students who are eligible for pursuing a degree because not everybody would be interested in doing so.

Not every eligible student gets the opportunity to pursue a tertiary education that would enhance their chances of having a brighter future.


In my view, the main reasons for this are financial constraints, lack of information and the risk of getting an appropriate job after graduation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; How should schools select their students? [3]


As essaytest comments, here there is a slight confusion about whether you are answering what your prompt suggests. The argument is about, in simple terms, whether the schools should select students solely upon their academic capabilities or not. In other words, whether students with different abilities such as talents in sports, music, drama etc. should be considered for selections or not. So, you need to introduce these two sides to the reader in your introduction. I believe you have grasped the idea and tried to express it in the above sentence. However, it has not come right and that's why you had that comment from the essaytest. I suggest you to employ more direct speech and simple, yet interesting sentences. They are more powerful in conveying your message to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Homework is Harmful! - Why? [3]


... teacher implies a person engages in teaching at any level.
Teachers give homework to students in hope of ensuring that students would absorb the concepts and theories of the subjects they are taught into full capacity.

However, in many instances, students find homework as an unbearable pressure.


From the students' perspective, homework is a barrier for them to manage time, especially in terms of engaging in other extra curricular activities, having time to relax and also to brushing through their lecture notes.

Writing Feedback / Subject: Factors contributing to JOB SATISFACTION/ How realistic they are? [5]


Your introduction para consists of just one long sentence. When the sentence is too long it reduces its effect, lessens clarity and disturbs the flow. Also, in the introduction you are expected to introduce the topic to the reader first. Don't answer the prompt direct, but give it a more essay sort of presentation. My suggestion;

Job satisfaction is an important aspect of one's career because without deriving any job satisfaction. a person would not be motivated to continue his profession or career.In particular, modern people need to spend more time for their career due to competitiveness and if they do not enjoy their job that would make them frustrated. There are three main factors that contribute to job satisfaction;

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Can price hikes on fuel solve environmental problems? [8]


.... this is alright. You can give reasons for this argument in one para and against in the next one. Then express your opinion in the conclusion. However, this is the difficult way of tackling this task within the given time. It's not wrong and certainly acceptable, but time consuming :)


... I vote for this because then you know what you need to do in the rest of your essay. Not only you, even the examiner would know what he's going to follow in the next parts. So, this approach would be more helpful for you to manage time and present a neat essay :)

Scholarship / I want to read for a PhD in mechanical engineering; Scholarship/ GOALS [2]


... I like if you took this line after you talked about your goals.


... I think this gives you a better entrance to this response. First talk about your passion and how far you would intend to go in this field, that means your long term goal. You can also tell what your short term goals would be in your mission to achieve this long term goal. Then align the benefits of this scholarship with these goals and show them how the schol would help you achieving your goals.

Scholarship / Study abroad is difficult without sufficient funds; Reason applying to scholarship? [2]


.... This sentence is way too long and does not flow well. First organize your ideas and then present them with short sentences. That helps you make your response more interesting and convincing.

Also, if I am you, my approach would be first tell them about how keen I'm to pursue this course and how I deserve to do that ( I may talk about my passion, capabilities, credentials, skills etc.) Then I will tell them about my financial difficulties in reaching this goal and hence I look for this scholarship. Hope you'd give another attempt and re do this :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Can price hikes on fuel solve environmental problems? [8]


Environmental issues are on increase at a threatening speed.
Very good introduction.


The people who believe that increasing fuel prices is a solution for environmental pollution, think that this action would reduce the usage of private vehicles.


. ... this is a repetition of the previous line. It's not needed.


... tell why they don't like price hikes - reason is they don't like to burden people with higher cost of living

Writing Feedback / 'many good degrees in Japan'; family background have more influence than teacher [2]


Begin your essay with a more catchy line;
Who influence the young person's learning more? Parents or the teachers? This question remains controversial.


.... this sentence sounds a bit out of topic... you need to analyse who influence their learning more.... the topic is not about how their future would be successful.... You should align this with your your topic more.

Writing Feedback / IETLS; Social media and its impact on my life [3]


.... it is not clear what you mean by "work and societal outcomes".... you better specify that.


... first introduce your topic to the reader.
Social media is one of the fields that got heavily influenced by this new technology. ...now you can talk about facebook and its impact on society at large and you in person.

Writing Feedback / Dieting can change a person's life for the better or ruin one's health completely. [4]


I would strongly suggest you to follow the four para structure for this task. That's the best way to come up with a good essay without taking any risk with managing time.

Undergraduate / challenging coursework; Sounth CarolinaHonors College/academic goals [3]


.... the part I highlighted does not sound specific. I mean it is vague about what you really mean. What sort of new perspective?


Being raised in such background and encouraging environment, provided me with a deep appreciation of the importance of achieving a respectable education
You write very well... I wish you good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / To be a voice for those who have lost their loved ones [3]


I was only seven years old when my older sister, my best friend, passed away.


.... I hope that's what you mean :)


.... what do you mean? was she blind? Why you say legally blind?


Inside each tent, there was a family, a story and an opportunity to help someone less fortunate than me.

Scholarship / I have financial constraints for pursuing a tertiary education; SCHOLARSHIP/ Reasons [8]

.... well... I am not in favor much for this line. For me, it does not add much value to your sentence.


I have been pretty patriotic since my young age. For this reason, I remember swearing to myself that I would one day become a person who could contribute to my community and nation. This is why I am so keen on continuing my studies to tertiary level that would equip me with the necessary tools

again you talk about your drawbacks in detail. That may not help you with your claim for this schol. Tell them why you deserve the scholarship. I think it is dangerous to talk about your weaknesses (though they had been with you in the past and not any more) .

Writing Feedback / Dieting can change a person's life for the better or ruin one's health completely. [4]


... the word "diet" is too general and has a broader meaning. This is my suggestion for this line;
Everything has two sides and maintaining a shapely figure by controlling one's diet is not an exception. .... here it sounds more specific :)
It's a good introduction.


.... This is all true, but where is the response to your topic? You need to have more emphasis on how dieting would make a person's life better. Remember to give reasons for your opinion on the argument in your body paras. After giving the reason, you need to back it up with an example.

Writing Feedback / "Every thing is alive because of water"; Clean Water ESSAY [3]


I prefer the word "living beings" to "creature" as it gives the impression that water is needed to sustain life;
Water is an important source for all living beings.


Humans and plants cannot exist without clean water while the cleanliness is not a major issue for the animals.


Humans need clean water to drink and keep themselves clean. Plants need clean water for their survival.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Wealthy nations have an obligation to provide food and education to the poorer? [4]


This should be your introductory paragraph. Don't leave the first line separate.


Well ... why you exclude food? Your prompt includes food ! Always go with the prompt and align your writing with that. The argument here is whether wealthy nations should support poorer nations or not. Since you believe that they wealthy guys should support, give reasons as to why they should do it. For example, you can say that preserving humanity in the world is a prime responsibility of wealthy nations. Or else you can say, the rich nations need to be responsible for the acts they did in the past that caused these differences.

Writing Feedback / Mr. Heng taught me the value of HARDWORKING; My favorite TEACHER [7]



When I screw up with my studies I would drop by his house and ask for help.


He is not only a good teacher, but a very good human being who is ever willing to help others. In particular, he wishes the success of his students with all his heart.


He is one of the most generous persons I have ever met and even would offer me a meal when I pay a visit to his house.