Undergraduate / How did I changed my interest to a liberal art. [2]

Cindy, you have to provide the main application prompt along with the essay so that we can analyze the content of your essay for relevance. It will also help guide us directing the content of your essay. At this point we are going to review your essay in general terms. That covers the basics and what we see as visible problems with the essay that need to be addressed regardless of the prompt. So here is my general review.

Your essay doesn't clearly explain how you developed your interest in liberal arts. You are discussing one too many topics in relation to your justification but neither of them are thoroughly explained in a manner that can be deemed as a clear realization on your part. Explain how your favorite singer, mention his name in case the reviewer knows of the person and his background, helped enlighten you about the positive side of a liberal arts education. I am however, questioning how this will prove to be relevant in your enlightenment since you already said that he has a technical background and degree. If he did not graduate from a liberal arts program, his influence on your decision seems ill placed.

I think that rather than discussing your favorite singer, you should instead tell the reviewer about how your experience making a micro movie changed your mind about a liberal arts education. Include an explanation as to why you were more inclined towards the standard educational system at first, then explain how your diversifying interest brought you the door of liberal arts. A personal realization is always stronger and more compelling than the influence of other people in your decision making process.

Research Papers / Keeping Mandatory Childhood Vaccinations in Place: IMMUNIZATION SAFETY [2]

Breazie your introduction lays a solid foundation for the content of your research paper. However, it seems to have just ended with incomplete information. Where is the thesis statement of your research paper? That is the statement of the discussion or focal point of information in your research. It is normally located at the end of the first paragraph. Either as the last sentence or last few sentences of the introduction. You need to point out the theme of your paper at the start so the professor knows what you will be discussing and have an expectation as to how the discussion in the paper should go.

The following information is not given an in-text citaiton in the paper. Since you are citing information from a government authority, you need to make reference as to where the information can be confirmed by your professor:

... the vaccine DTaP which is a series of vaccines given to children at the ages of 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, between 15-18 months, and 4-6 years old, have a chance of less than 1 out of a million doses in causing a severe reaction such as brain damage...

Improve the content of the essay by offering the point of view of the anti-vaccination groups as well. In order to prove your point and make your assertions seem logical, you have to find the flaws in the belief of the opposing party. You have more than enough information in support of your stance. Look for the weak links in the discussion of the opposing party and mention those in reference to your factual data and discussion information.

Undergraduate / How can I better explain my extenuating circumstances for CommonApp? [2]

Michael, I can understand how confusing it must have been for you in the IB school system. I am sure that since your batch was the satellite group, there was really a period of adjustment and misinformation going around. Your explanation of the way the grading system was implemented may or may not help in your application since the reviewer will most likely be familiar with the IB grading system. So I do not think that you need to be so detailed with regards to that portion of the essay. If anything, you should concentrate more on explaining how the confusing grading system and the misinformation adversely affected your grades. A confused school system always results in a confused student with not so good grades. So concentrate on explaining how that happened to you in the academic setting.

As for the story of your sister, that doesn't really affect your grade as much as you think. Most students are able to work 2 jobs and study while taking care of their own child in a single parent set up. Don't expect to get sympathy for that part of your life, specially since you are not the one who had the baby. Instead, concentrate all your efforts on explaining the extenuating circumstances of your academic life. Mention how the lack of continuity in your school attendance (the constant school changing) affected the way you learned and in effect, the kind of grades that you produced. That will definitely explain an extenuating circumstance.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master of International Business in Melbourne Business School [3]

Waliza, since you do not really go into great detail about the financial circumstances the led you to pull back on your advanced studies for a period of time, it would be best to simply not mention it in the essay. The way you have the essay set up, by discussing only the highlights of your professional experience, doesn't really leave you with much room to present that part of your personal and academic life in a manner that would be of interest to the reviewer. Whenever you find yourself discussing a part of your life in only one sentence, it is always best to just skip it. That kind of discussion makes it irrelevant to the overall content of the essay and doesn't help to improve it at all.

Now, when you mention "Global Bangladesh", you should take the time to explain this concept to the reviewer. Tie it in with your purpose for higher studies and why you feel compelled to be a leader in this field. Don't mention these topics are mere skimmed over discussion points. I know, you only have 1500 characters with which to discuss everything. So at this point, you need to review the essay and decide which parts you can cut out. One suggestion as to how you can do this is to opt for the work experience that you feel will help to really enhance your application. Then stick to developing that experience alone. That is how you save on word count and create centered essay.

Graduate / Choosing between two Polymer Engineering (PE) departments - academic statement of MSU [13]

Zahra, your last question is not clear when it comes to your promoting diversity. Promoting cooperation between scientists and countries is not the same as promoting diversity on campus or in your professional life. The concept of diversity is defined as encompassing "acceptance and respect. It means understanding that each individual is unique, and recognizing our individual differences."

Keeping that reference to the definition of the concept in mind, review your final paragraph and try to determine if it represents this concept. You will find that it does not. That is because you remain focused on prompting your study of polymers in this section when you should be showing off your non academic background and extra curricular activities in this part. Explain to the reviewer how you have the ability to blend in with the other students or become a productive part of the community in general through your diverse interests and inclinations. This part is no longer about the research you are doing. Refer to my explanation in my previous response about how to approach this question and follow the instructions I gave within the thread.

Undergraduate / Weltschmerz: Or, How I Came to cherish reality above the ideal. [3]

Not a bad piece of work for an open topic essay Kevin. The fact that you were able to successfully explain the meaning of the word not only be definition, but also through action. displays the inner workings of your mind and the higher sense of logic that you posses. All of which are excellent qualities for a potential student at any university should have. Now, the only fault with this essay are a few grammar issues. I'll point them out below:

It's a strange word for a morbid concept, roughly meaning "the realization that life will never live up to the ideals of the mind", and oh h How true weltschmerz is. ![

- You need to create an impact with your opening statement. by removing the part that I indicated, you create an almost Shakesperean like insinuation for your realization.

or whenyour , AS IN MY CASE , when MY mother passes PASSED away from say, heart disease, after trying to fight her body for most of her life.

- again, we are going for emotional connection and impact in this instance.

had fell FALLEN into the cold pit of reality a ...

Applying these corrections will make the essay ready to use :-)

Graduate / To be a part of mobile revolution. SoP for Postgraduate, with 10 yrs professional experience. [3]

Sagar, the purpose of your desire to receive an MS degree stems from your interest in the field of mobile data and communication. However, that is not clearly presented in your opening statement. That is the line that must contain your purpose for higher study. So, rather than simply stating that you wish to engage in more research in the field, you need to be more precise and descriptive. At the end of the introduction you must tell the reviewer what kind of research you plan to perform at their university.

The second paragraph should continue this line of thought by explaining how you see this university in particular helping you to advance your studies in this field. Explain the way that your future research will directly tie in with either existing research by their professors or by starting a new kind of research in the field that will increase the university's profile in terms of cutting edge research in this field.

From there, you should explain your college background in summary form. The best way to do that is just to mention the degree that you received and then explain how your thesis put you on this path of more advanced research. That should be no more than a paragraph. Lead that into your masters of technology degree and then transition to the published work.

When you discuss the published work, you should use a complete paragraph to represent the way that the research was developed, why it was accepted for publication, and the comments you received or recognition you received after it was published. This will be the part that represents your complete early academic background.

For your conclusion, explain how you see the research that you see completing at this university as changing the landscape of mobile data and technology. Ensure that you highlight your desire to pursue all possible research in this field through the help of the university then close it.

Writing Feedback / Vegetarian is a new way of life, many people used to apply it. But is it good for them? [4]

VegetarianISM is a new way of life (...) that not eating MEAT nor fish will create balance for IN their health, and ...
... means that the people are WILL lack of other beneficial components ...
... it is not appropriate way t use in our WAY TO LIVE life.

At the present, the number of people living with A vegetarian lifestyle HAS increase dramatically since many researchES conducted by the scientists show that consuming only vegetables every eating time will reduce the amount of fat in their bodies because thYe do not eat food which consist THAT CONTAIN carbohydrateS.

... By doing so, they will experience the A reduction of their fat ...
... vegetables gives benefits for TO our health.

However, our body NEEDS not only vitamins from vegetables but protein also as well as calcium are needed by our body . This is because many of our body parts need proteins , such as heart and blood, NEED PROTEIN. The lack of components that I mentioned so will affect our body, even though we cannot feel it now, but the decrease EVENTUALLY BY DECREASING of our body functions will be experienced soon and gradual GRADUALLY. The same reason is also said CITED by WHO THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION , they argue that their bodies should be given many essential components NUTRIENTS in the A balanceD way. By having so, THIS IS REQUIRED SO THAT our body will be ...

The result is that the v Vitamins from vegetables are really critical in order to our health, but we need ...

In many points of view, it is not an erroneous TO SAY that vegetables make (...) but living in A balanceD way is the most (...) when it comes to their OUR diet.

... such as vitamins, calciums and proteins because our bodies need all the components NUTRIENTS.
... the best way to tackle the healthy issues.

To sum up, vegetarian VEGETARIANISM is one of many appropriate ways of TO LIVE life but IT keeps our bodies lack of LACKING IN other components WHICH also will reduce our body ...

... eating food consisting of A balance OF calcium, proteins and (...) especially when we do exercise regularly.

Graduate / Choosing between two Polymer Engineering (PE) departments - academic statement of MSU [13]

Okay. I have reviewed the requirements of the personal statement and I think I can help you sort out the parts you should discuss in detail and the parts that you should just summarize so that you can discuss it in greater length in your academic statement. I'll provide you with some hints as to what to discuss per topic to help you out :-)

1. How well do your personal goals for education and research fit with the interests of our faculty and the research activities within our department? - This should not be more than a paragraph long. Summarize the previous research that you did and highlight the connection with the current research being done in their department. Do you think that you can do this in about 6 sentences? Don't make it too long. Try to stick to 10 sentences for this paragraph.

2. How have you demonstrated your leadership skills, or your potential as a leader? - Discuss this in greater detail. Be specific as you leadership skills displayed and how it came about. Present the obstacle and the solution you developed.

3. How have you contributed to a diverse educational community, or how will you do so as a graduate student? How have you promoted understanding among persons of different backgrounds and ideas, or how will you do so as a graduate student? - A discussion of your socio-civic activities, volunteer work, and extra curricular activities that placed in such a situation will be the best information to present here.

Make sure that you use no more than 2 paragraphs at the most to discuss each question. Although, the ideal discussion should not be more than a paragraph long :-) The last 3 questions are actually optional so unless you have a real relevant, and impressive response to share for those questions, I don't suggest that you discuss it anymore. The fact that the questions all start with "If applicable" means that you may or may not opt to respond to the questions.

Writing Feedback / It has become a common pattern that successful sports professionals are paid a fortune [3]

It has become a common pattern OCCURRENCE that TO HAVE successful sports professionals are paid a fortune compared to other professions. Public opinions have BECOME polarized BECAUSE OF on this fact. Adherents SUPPORTERS believe THE high income is justified (...) opponents contend THAT other important careers (...) hence deserving A similar range of income.

... but supportive opinions to this pattern appear to be more convincing.

... each individual has made great attempt and themselves possess valuable talent.
... The opponents claim that the globe WORLD could hardly evolve tonowadays TO ITS CURRENT level of modernity without ...
Hence,IF there exists any profession that deserves A high income, doctors ...

In sharp contrast, adherents for the fact SUPPORTERS OF HIGH PAID ATHLETES argue that talent among sports professionALS appears to be more unique and the number of successful ones in this career is ARE limited.

... but only ONLY those who have attained such impressive achievements.
... to become their product representative ENDORSERS. This helps the companies to earn enormous profitS and the sports talents also receive a fortune IN payment in return.

... in a short period of time rather than a whole life length DUE TO THE SHELF-LIFE OF THEIR as other careers.
... compensate for when they cease their career path RETIRE.

... arguments on the high payment to FOR successful sports athletes.
... talents are justified for they fortune they are earning.

------

This essay was weakened by the lack of examples based upon personal knowledge or experience and as such, would lose points / have points deducted. You could have mentioned Tiger Woods has being one of the highest paid athletes in the world and how the scandals that rocked his life ruined his reputation and made the money he was paid seem out of place. The same goes for Lance Armstrong, or the accusations leveled at Tom Brady. Any of those examples would have helped to strengthen and increase the points for this essay.

Graduate / I am an experienced software engineer - apply for ANU master degree, self- statement [10]

Your personal statement lacks focus, a clear topic statement, and a logical development of your interest in the masters degree that you are pursuing. I assume that this is only a draft and you are more than open to revising the whole paper if necessary? I strongly advice that you do so because you really need to work on creating a more cohesive personal statement.

As far as personal statements go, you have to first, focus on the development of your interest in the subject. So, you have to present the way your interest in the subject evolved from your current profession, which led you to realize that you have more questions about the subject that need answers in order for you to perform your tasks even better than you already are. Don't mistake this for a statement of purpose because it is not. It is just an essay about the foundation of your interests.

Now, when you mention your reason for wishing to enroll overseas, there really isn't a need for you to mention that you went to the US previously as that does not relate to the reasons why you chose this university in particular. Remember, it is not about the location, but about the academic thrust of the university. It is the opportunity to study at the university that you should use as the platform for the reason you wish to study overseas. That said, your "In a nutshell" statement is totally out of place in the end. It is too short and doesn't really help to end the essay on a personal and positive note. Removing it and just ending it with the previous paragraph seems to work best at this point.

Undergraduate / After scrutinizing abundant number of colleges all over United States, I came up with Virginia Tech [4]

Dhruv, the main problem with your essay is that you are discussing an abstract interpretation of why you chose Virginia Tech. You listed down, if I am right, a total of 6 reasons why you chose Virginia Tech instead of the required 5. You are supposed to choose only 5 reasons for picking this university and all of those reasons require you to do research on the university. The purpose of this prompt, is to show the reviewer that you understand the requirements and demands made of a Virginia Tech student and that you are committed to embodying the best of the university.

What you have to do is first, list down the 5 main reasons you opted to seek enrollment at the university. If you run a Google search on the topic, you will actually find websites that refer to those actual 5 reasons that various students have used. Pick the ones that reflect your interests or are similar to your reasons the most and then develop your original essay around the inspiration that the students before you provided :-)

Graduate / Choosing between two Polymer Engineering (PE) departments - academic statement of MSU [13]

Zara, don't overthink the essay. You are failing to develop the essay properly because you are trying to include information from other prompts that are not required in the essay. I don't care which guidelines these are and where you got the list from. You are only supposed to offer the information that the prompt for your statement indicates. Nothing more, nothing less. So when the prompt tells you to: concisely describe how your background and life experiences - including social, economic, cultural, familial, educational, or other opportunities or challenges - motivated your decision to pursue a graduate degree. Then that is all you have to provide. it doesn't become difficult to write the personal statement when you do exactly what is required of you.

Now, as for the academic statement, you should discuss the research in great detail there. Just give the research a summarized form in the personal statement. You have to discuss way too many other important topics in the personal statement for you to offer a complete rundown of the research in that essay.

Undergraduate / My sister is an avid Hokie. Why I believe the Virginia Tech is the school for me too? [3]

Tram, please refer to the sample response I wrote below. It should help you develop your own original response to the prompt that you can use :-) The last paragraph is short because I expect you to add to the information for that portion of the essay. You need to keep track of the reasons you are providing. Don't go over 5 reasons. by the way, don't keep circling back to your sister's experience. You need to develop some fresh, non - sister related reasons as well.

Virginia Tech is the university where my sister found her home away from home. That was a concept that i could not familairize myself with until I came to visait her at the university this past Spring. From the student community, to the academics, to the social events that helped my sister embrace her Hokie-ness, I knew that just like her, this university would be my home away from home too.

I look forward to developing my intellectual abilities the way my sister did. As an alumna of the school, I am assured of her support and the encouragement that she assures me I would recieve from the professors, I am sure that I too will feel so at ease that it won't even seem like I am attending classes anymore.

The diversity of the community also inspired me. Growing up as a minority, the idea of being surrounded by different cultures while also keeping my Vietnamese roots is comforting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Clothes become an indicator in people's characteristics [3]

... clothes are extremely important accessories in PARTS OF someone's physical appearance.
... Yet, the opponents OTHERS argue that people can not be judgeD based on their clothing. In my opinion, such this notion THIS BELIEF IN ofappraising ASSESSING people by their THE clothes THEY WEAR is definitely wrong.

Apparently, people assume clothing as IS a reflection of personality.
... have a tendency TO keeping up with trends, for . FOR instance. Furthermore , the way people's choice to wear CHOOSE clothing, makeS A statement about ...

To illustrate, a woman who often useS long skirtS in her daily live LIFE, IS generally described as a feminine person. In addition, based on A Gloria Fashion Magazine survey, the details of people'S clothes have significant meaning, at least IN INDONESIA, CLOTHES describe REPRESENT specific cultureS such as batik for Indonesian people.

... role in describing people'S personalities.

Apart from THE previous discussion, (...) not be an indicator to OF people's personalities. A 2015 recent Indonesian Corruption Watch (...) 50% of government's officialS do corruption.

... good clothes everyday, but there is THESE CORRUPT EMPLOYEES ARE no different personalities with FROM A common thief who ...
As a result, with wearing a good clothes, it does not mean that ... Evidence of this can be seen that people's character is not expressed by their garments.

... However, it does not indicate people'S characteristics. ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people argue that the sole purpose of business is to make a profit - the more the better [4]

Tau, I am confused. Why is the title that you used for this essay related to business, your discussion, is also related to business, but the prompt you provided is related to electronic media. I am not sure if you used the wrong title for your prompt or you discussed the wrong prompt with the correct discussion as referenced by your title. Which is it?

Keep in mind that when you take the actual IELTS test, a discussion that is in no way related to the prompt will automatically result in your failing that section of the test. In this case, I am holding off on editing and correcting your grammar until you clarify which the correct prompt is. If you are supposed to discuss business, then you have the correct discussion and only need grammar advice. If you are supposed to discuss electronic media, then you are not even discussing the right prompt. Which means this practice essay is useless.

Keep in mind, the examiner will not take kindly to such mistakes and, in the review of your essay and explanation of your grade, the fact that you have absolutely no comprehension skills, since you did not understand and discuss the correct prompt, will weigh heavily on your final exam grade.

Writing Feedback / Electronic media may bring dire effects on people's relationships and everyone should be aware of it [3]

More attention should be paid on TO the utilizing of electronic deviceS these days. While this notion is utterly acceptable since electronic media bringS dire POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE effects on people's relationships. It , is argued that electronic media are IS needed as have DUE TO ITS valuable aspect ...

Needless to say, p People tend to use electronic media in wrong path WRONGLY which affectS on their mutual ...
They are often to end up communication COMMUNICATING without saying anything due to miss understanding connection MISUNDERSTANDING AND MISCOMMUNICATION with others ...
A 2011 recent Guardian Times survey reveals that 30% of AmericanS had broken up and fought with their mates as the miss understanding RESULTS OF MISUNDERSTANDING words or emoticons they THAT had been created USED. This resulted in THE RESULT WAS A POOR CONVERSATIONAL poor connection among people due to some people do not communicate to each other face to face ...

Apart from previous discussionS, others believe that electronic media are IS necessary in order (...) of people's connectionS.
... or Video call have BEEN introduced to people.
... they are or whenever they need TO.
... sites which extend their relationSHIPS IN to the world. There is no doubt that electronic media have HAS a huge impact to make ON people's PERSONAL connectionS more intense .

... devices can give rise to BENEFIT OR harm IN people's relationships. However, it WHILE IT is argued that electronic ...
Where possible , i personally suggest that people (...) in order to decrease THE bad NEGATIVE impact.

Writing Feedback / Mass media focus too much on gossips, disseminating celebrities' issues even though it is not worthy [2]

The media playS a pivotal role in providing valuable accessible information lifestyles and relationships of IN CONNECTION WITH celebrities such as ...
THE NEWS HAS have been exaggerated ...
Whilst I think that media too focused on celebrities' lives, BUT I also believe that ...

Needless to say, media broadcast IS all about THE scandals and gossip of celebrities' lives . A 2015 recent Imperial College university STUDY shows 45% of programmes ...
Although media report inspirable IS INSEPARABLE WITH issues of celebrities, such (...) it is sometimes just dwelling KILLING AIR time.

In addition, media often reportS infuriating news about lives of those CELEBRITIES since they provide unjustified issues NEWS.
... It became THE main issue in all ...
... As a result, the news perpetuate their fans became disappointed THEIR FANS.

... more attention should be paid on TO lives of ordinary people by media since it can inspire other people.
... had broadcasted his invention widely cited from BBC News November 2014 . This action gives HIS ACTION GAVE rise to75 scientists WHO did investigationS of these networks.

... ordinary people cause others TO think up new ideas and figure out further problems.

... as television, magazine and virtual news pay too much attention to disseminate issues of celebrities even ...
... can be inspiring others should be emerged in the media AND SHOULD BE GIVEN MEDIA ATTENTION. It is imperative that they should have the same right NEWS COVERAGE as the famous people. Ordinary people who represent unprecedented achievement should be televised in reality show program. PRESENTED IN AN EDUCATIONAL AND INSPIRING DOCUMENTARY PROGRAM.

Speeches / 'Envy, angry emotions' - What can I add or take out to make this speech better? [2]

Ted, I am a bit confused as to what the true focus of your speech is. Normally, the introduction of the speech sets the tone, theme, and discussion points for the written work. With regards to your speech, I thought that you would be discussing envy and how it developed, affected, and created the person you have become. After all, that was the hook of your opening statement. than it turns out that envy isn't the root discussion of your paper. Rather, the speech is about "financial discrimination".

As a speech regarding financial discrimination, the later parts of your essay comes across as compelling, thoughtful, strong, and passionate. It is obvious that you have lived through financial discrimination and overcome it. Therefore, you should adjust your introduction to focus immediately on financial discrimination and how it affected your mother, your life, and produced the mindset that you currently have. The essay is very good except for the introduction. So adjusting that portion should make the paper stronger and more cohesive in content :-)

Writing Feedback / Do clothes and styles people wear can define their characters? [2]

Therefore, it is believed that fashion can tell describe someone's personality.
... As for me AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED I think that the notion of ...

... Although some people remain to deny this issue, the ...
Pink color THE COLOR PINK, for instance, tends to be identical IDENTIFIED with women in general.
... because they are insecure WHEN wearing the color ...
... are not so keen on watching their couples PARTNERS in the pink as they ...
This common fact has explained briefly that, consciously or not...

... claim that dress does not dictate INDICATE individual character.
... people should go further FARTHER rather than solely examine EXAMINING the way that they dress.
... facial appearance - carried OUT by Anthony Little and David ...
... of live subjects as their objects SUBJECTS.
... Hence, the issue of judging people from BASED ON their fashion and ...

... be common in society, in fact, p Personality people have cannot be defined by their looks. However, I think that rapid judgment is a kind of inappropriate behavior which people should avoid as appearanceS sometimes can betray a personality.

Writing Feedback / Current era influences people to live in a sedentary lifestyle - it is not healthy (writing task II) [3]

Current THE TECHNOLOGICAL era WE LIVE IN influences people to live in a sedentary lifestyle. Some people claim such AN issue is utterly acceptable since humanS depends extremely on simple a THE life offered by THE modern world, while some opponents promote THAT this argument is going wrong because having a healthy life depends on people's effort.

With concern to finalize a list of ambitious daily plans, a Average people nowadays are unable to pay attention on their diet and do hard exercise as well . As a result, this issue is bound to lead LIFESTYLE HAS LEAD a human to a sedentary lifestyle. Evidence of this can be seen in typical worldwide residents who prefer to consume sandwich or other instant FAST foods rather than cook a healthy nutritious diet MEAL since they do not have enough time TO DO SO. According to Infographics, a well-known television show, there are 160.000 fast food restaurants in the USA with 50.000.000 consumers per day which is believed by a researcher as TO BE the reflection of A sedentary lifestyle. It is more or less the same with exercise since THE i International h Herald t Tribune newspaper reveals over 350 million cases of depression worldwide are affected CAUSED by lack of exercise. Therefore, lack of A healthy diet and exercise go into the CREATION OF A sedentary lifestyle.

- Watch out for the proper nouns such as the title of the newspaper. The first letter should always be capitalized.

However, some people tend to convince others believe that having a healthy life are is truly possible if people take consistent steps to achieve it. The research which is conducted by Leeds University found that 45% of people fail to cut down on an unhealthy life since they do not have a strong effort to improve their lifestyle. Researcher said indicates that the first step to take towards this action is by believing in an exerting effort. Thus, a good result in an attempt to cut off people's sedentary habit requires a high belief and a true effort.

To sum up, the lack of healthy food and exercise becomes an obstacle for humans to maintain their lives. Some alternatives are offered but all of them are useless without a strong belief in order to perform a good effort.

Writing Feedback / Don't judge something from the cover - the most important indication (writing task II) [4]

Don't judge somethingfrom the A BOOK BY ITS cover, this quote means physical appearances can not describe A human personality. ... to promote identifying someone from their clothes BY THEIR CLOTHING is wrong, others argue clothes mirror A human's attitude since character playS an important role in picking out some clothes to wear.

... Consequently, this becomes the main point to indicate INDICATOR AS TO what others are like since they believe clothes performs characteristic FORMS PART OF THE CHARACTER of some people. Evidence of this can be seen when most IN companies THAT conduct an employee's enrollment ASSESS THEIR EMPLOYEE'S PERFORMANCE. One of their assessments is clothes since the meaning of this is what candidates wear will show WHAT THEY WEAR SEEMS TO AFFECT their performance in AT work. For this reason, this is going wrong THE BELIEF IS WRONG since this notion gives rise to over judge COVER JUDGEMENT and people will believe that ...

However, there are more convincing arguments in disfavor THAT DISAGREE WITH of such notion. First and foremost, it has been proven that human's personality is influenced by their decision making entire lives IN LIFE, not the clothes.

... a well-known Indonesian success person , he never wears formal clothes in their TO A meeting albeit (...) he will only wear a short SHORT PANTS since he believes clothes have not correlation with DO NOT RELATE TO his capacity.

... people only judge others with their suit BASED UPON WHAT THEY ARE WEARING.

... Society must avoid this indicator MISCONCEPTION since it will cause misunderstandingS.

Graduate / Choosing between two Polymer Engineering (PE) departments - academic statement of MSU [13]

Zara, this essay will not work for the prompt. You need to write a new essay that discussed your background in the field of Polymer Engineering. You do not need to present a rehashed personal statement. Consider that you are being requested by the prompt to discuss the compelling reasons that drove you to seek higher academic studies in this field. Then read the essay that you are trying to currently use with the prompt. You will see a clear disconnect and lack of relevance of your current essay to the prompt.

If I were to develop the essay response for the prompt, I would take some time to consider the actual reasons for my desire to enroll at MSU. Basically, I would look for a particular problem or piece of research related to my major that I feel requires further research, experimentation, or discussion and then use that as the launching pad or motivation for my interest in a masters degree at this point. I would explain the problem/ research I wish to continue pursuing at the university, how i would pursue it, and then, give an inconclusive result of the research, or my idea of the results of the research, in response to the prompt. For example, I would say something along the lines of "I am looking to become an innovator in the field of Polymer Engineering because of (state the problem), that I feel can be resolved provided I know how to (describe the potential solution)."Then develop the rest of the essay from there.

Undergraduate / Meeting my grandma for the first time creative short description [2]

Flora, the essay can use a more descriptive opening scene. You need to get into the description of the setting before you launch into the story of the actual meeting. Consider where this meeting is supposed to have taken place. What would it look like? How would it smell? Who would be the other people there if ever? What would the tone of the mood be in the story? These are all background setting considerations that are essential to the development of your essay.

Remember that you are telling the story of a very pivotal event in your life. So you need to create a more personal connection with the setting. What were you thinking while you were waiting for her to show up? How did you envision the events unfolding? Why were you at this place in the first place? What is the reason for the meeting? Is this something you were looking forward to? Try to instill some emotion into your words and descriptions. Use some short dialogue if you think it will help you further improve the introduction portion of your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Suggestion for adolescents to take a job for a gap year between school and third-level education [3]

Every person needs a job to be well-rounded. Whilst s Some people render a suggestionfor adolescents THAT HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES NEED to take a job for DURING a gap year between school and third-level education since this makes them to gain easy access to be accepted in reputable prestigious universities BETTER PREPARES THEM FOR ADMISSION TO REPUTABLE UNIVERSITIES, others believe it is unacceptable since this may interupt INTERRUPT their social lives.

Apparently, joining with A company after people aged 13-18 in their DURING a gap year between school and university gives them greatly benefit HOLDS GREAT BENEFITS related to ample opportunities to be accepted in TO A high-standard university. BBC News reported in January 2015 that 70% of young people who easily earned A LOA ( Letter of Acceptance) from Oxford University have had a working experience. The university is very selective in student recruitment and it prefers students having WHO HAVE working experience since they are more likely to be well-informed in comparison with TO those who do not work HAVE NOT WORKED. As a result,experienced young people are bound to have an immense A BETTER chance to be accepted in OF BEING ACCEPTED TO A top-ranked university.

However, working in that period comes to an abrupt withdrawal of social life relationship RESULTS IN SOME SOCIAL PROBLEMS. There seems a busy day with heavy workload. A 2013 recent Harvard University study conducts CONDUCTED SHOWED that 90 % of people working after graduated GRADUATING from their school in Beijing, China. THE GRADUATES had felt a sense of alienation among their peers since they have to spend their time working in a 40-hour timetable per week. This resulted in poor social relationships.

The aforementioned evidence shows that the idea of pople in their leisure time after graduating from their school is the most valued. However, a dire consequence should be taken into account because this affects emotional development. It is imperative that they should manage a balance life.

- This conclusion is confusing, lacks logic, and needs to be revised in order to present a better summary, restatement of the prompt, and conclusion.

Scholarship / I need assistance correcting my response to the prompt what has most influenced me for the future [4]

Brayan, when you discuss the inspiration you derive from pilots and the service that they offer the people, you need to explain how their life risking work has influenced your decision to become a pilot. The reason that you have for looking up to them is still unclear in your essay. You need to be more specific about how these pilots inspired you to go into a aviation career. You need to create a highlight for this essay in order to make it more interesting for the reviewers.

What is the magic that flight holds for you? Explain how you imagine that magic and how it helps inspire you to become a pilot. Why do you see pilots as selfless people? Describe how you actually show your appreciation for their work. I have a suspicion that you have a highly limited work count for this response from the way that you developed your statement. Please don't think about that now. Just write a good essay, regardless of word count. Make it really informative and inspiring in nature. Try to make the content as impressive and memorable as you can without lying or exaggerating. We can always cut down the word count later on :-)

Undergraduate / Interests and focus - Essay prompt for Purdue [5]

Hey Logesh :-0 The background narrative is really interesting and relevant to the way you set up your personal prompt. It really highlighted the progress of your interest in computer science in such a manner that allows the reviewer to see your passion increasing as your knowledge in the field advanced as well. However, I feel that you could have lessened the story of your early foundation since that part just felt like you were beating around the bush to fill in the word count before getting to the actual purpose of the essay. So, if you would lessen that part and instead, increase the discussion of your participation in the Engineer Design Team because that relates more to your current passion and interest in computer science. It also strengthens the concept of your foundation in the field.

Now, with regards to your concluding statement, I would not be discussing or mentioning the reason why you want to enroll at Purdue. the whole point of this essay is to keep the focus on your background story. The reviewer would like to know about the development of your passion, your work ethic, or other related traits. He will not be interested, in a discussion as to why you are pleading for a student slot at their university. Save that statement for a more relevant prompt.

Writing Feedback / Investors hold more important role in communal equipment improvement (investments) than doctors [3]

Riska, you have just failed this test. The reason that you failed? You misunderstood the prompt. You interchanged the words inventors and investors in the prompt. This particular essay topic has always been about the importance of inventors and doctors in our society. It has never been about investors and doctors.

Let me help you out here by offering you a definition of each word as follows:
Inventor - a person who invents, especially one who devises some new process, appliance, machine, or article; one who makes inventions.
Investor - to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something:

As you can see, the misspelling of a word, and an obvious misunderstanding on your part has led to the failure of your essay discussion. In an actual test, you would not have had any possible way of salvaging this essay because you totally disregarded the prompt question and launched into your own discussion of a prompt that you seem to have created out of thin air.

Please be very careful when reading, understanding, and writing an essay based upon a prompt. Ask questions if you do not understand the prompt during the practice tests in order to better develop your English comprehension skills. Don't ever assume anything regarding the prompt while you are practicing. Remember, if your essay discussion does not relate to the prompt, you will automatically fail the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Japan pupulation : past, present and future trends [3]

The bar chart shows Japanese residents measured in millionS, while a breakdown of the proportion of people age 65 and more OVER between THE YEARS 1950 and 2025, COVERING a 105-year period is presented in the table.Overall, there has been an upward trend in Japan's demography and population aged more than 65 years old. However, inhabitantS in OF Japan is ARE predicted slum TO INCREASE up over the future NEXT 40 years.

According to the chart, the total of inhabitants in OF Japan increased considerably from 84.1 to 127.8 million between 1950 and 2005. It was the highest number of Japanese people and then BEFORE THE POPULATION declined sharply to 125.4 million in 2005. However, it wil IS EXPECTED TO drop significantly to 89.9 million in 2055.

In contrast, there was a gradual rise in the number of Japan's demography. The proportion of THE total population of resident aged over-65s stood at a very small number (4.9%) in 1950. It will rise to around two fifths (41.0%), the largest number of residents aged more than 65 years old. ( WHAT YEAR IS THIS RISE EXPECTED? MENTION THE YEAR AS PART OF YOUR REPORT).

Scholarship / By the "hard work" my dreams and passions are within reach - scholarship essay [3]

Emily while I do not belittle your actions that led to your alcoholism recovery, it is not exactly the kind of story that this prompt is looking for, much less, the kind of story that can win you a scholarship. the reason is simple, the prompt response you provided was incorrect. You created a personal story about "survival" not "hard - work". aArd work is all about wanting, desiring, or having the ambition to reach a specific goal and eventually, through hard work, achieving exactly that.

In this case, you need to choose a more appropriate topic for the prompt. It is not about "If only I work hard enough" but rather, "I worked hard enough and got what I wanted, needed, or desired." I am sure that there is an instance in your life when you found yourself accomplishing just that. It has to be something that reflects your work ethic and how you use drive and ambition to reach what it is that you want to achieved in life.

A scholarship is a hard grant to receive because of the cut throat competition it entails. This present essay cannot compete on the level that it has to because everything about its development does not support the question that the reviewers want you to answer. Therefore, you must change the theme and topic of your essay to reflect the expected response. By the way, 250 words is a full page, spaced. So that is more that enough space with which to plead your case with the reviewer :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: THE PROPORTION OF REALITY AND GAME SHOWS WATCHER [4]

Riska, please don't forget to attach the pciture the nexct time you upload a report for review. It will be more accurate for our review and corrections if we can refer to the actual document in reference to your written work. In the meantime, here is a simple review of your current report work.

It is noticable NOTICEABLE that reality shows are most watched by femaleS and people aged over 35, while the game shows ARE most popular in the watcher aged AMONG WATCHERS over THE AGE OF 45.

Based on the percentage of the spectators AUDIENCE, reality shows are most (...) while the game shows is ARE liked by 70 percent % of the residents who is ARE over 45 years old. Both sexes reach AN equal number for ...

Turning to spectators' THE AUDIENCES age, the citizens VIEWERS who are between 16 ...
On the other hand, around 60 percent % to 70 percent % of 25 to 44 years old watcer YEAR OLD VIEWERS tend to enjoy reality (...) game shows audience REGISTERED only at about 40%.

Be consistent, either you spell out the word percentage throughout the essay or you use the correct markings for it on the page. You can't mix both because mixing the two styles gives the report too much of a relaxed feel to it.

Writing Feedback / Method utilizing the swing basket and human energy is less effective than using rollers and animals [3]

The given pictures depictS two forms to do in collecting OF WATER COLLECTING water for irrigation purposeS.
... is less effective than that of the way using both rollers and animals as A source of power.

... at the beginning OF THE process, a big hole (...) made to collect AS MUCH water as much as possible, flowing ...
Once having been gathered in enough volume, the water (...) so that it can stream directly to THE irrigation canal.

In contrast to the second approach AS FOR THE SECOND APPROACH, a well with about 50-meterS IN depth is built DUG in the soil whose WHERE one of its sides has IS A higher level to another THAN THE OTHER one. AN I irrigation channel then is THEN constructed in ON the side of THE well having WITH a lower surface. Afterwards, A pulley and roller are installed above the erected irrigation system, complemented with BY a rope tied to the AN animal.

... and then spilled in ON the top of THE constructed canal, causing the water TO flow to the irrigation system.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - A HISTORY OF TWO TOWNS [2]

The maps describe how two neighboring towns, Meadowside v Village and Fonton have changed over three different time periods beginning in 1962, AND COVERING 1985 and at UP TO the present. Overall, the Meadowside village has been expanded the ITS area and has MERGED WITH Meadowside suburbs also merged with AND Fonton. In any case, there have been a lot of changes of the features REGARDING THE TOWN FEATURES in these periods.

Fonton and Meadowside village were completely separated in 1962 without any tools ROADS that connect them. Meadowside only had a small road that crossed it, whereas Fonton which WAS located to the east of Meadowside only had a railway.

In 1985, there was a significant development in both of towns , especially the size of LAND area. There were some new buildings in Meadowside such us REPRESENTING A leisure complex, housing estate, and super store. Moreover, the road became larger and connected with Fonton by A main road.

Currently, Meadowside and Fonton were ARE united alongside with Meadowside that becomes AS suburbs. There was IS a new railway near a THE train station. While THE hotel was IS located behind the station, A business park has been constructed in ON the opposite side of THE road.

Writing Feedback / Who goes to bed most early and gets up sooner? Sleep Pattern of Five Different Occupations. [2]

The table gives information about the sleep schedule of inhabitants who work WORKING in five various fields based on a Canadian S study. Overall, every EACH person has diverse sleepING arrangementS. In any case, both studentS and business executiveS sleep in consecutive hours, whereas truck driverS, full-time motherS, and doctorS show the reverse.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, studentS spends TIME IN BED bedtime for eight hours consecutively STARTING at midnight. Accounting for a slightly lower amount of hours for sleep, business executiveS sleeps from 11 p.m. until five in the morning, two hour less than A student.

In contrast to this, the other three different professions have a broken sleeping patterns. By far,THE truck driver sleep schedule is divided into two groups of SLEEP time COVERING for 3 hours each STARTING at seven until ten in the morning and at 4-7 p.m. Interestingly, A full-time mother has A similar total AMOUNT of bedtime with AS A student at eight hours, even though the student's sleep arrangement is more considerable. At last FINALLY, A doctor has the least sleep time, solely T ONLY five hours based on the research.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 the cause of animal extinction and solution to deal with [2]

It has IS been believed that the devastated animal habitat results in a sharp increase of the number of animal extinction in these days. Several factors are considered as the main reason of FOR this trend, but there are some measures to do in dealing with WHICH CAN RESOLVE these cases THAT which will be explained before any conclusion SOLUTION is achieved.

Needless to say, poaching is the remarkable MAIN factor causing the decrease of endangered animals. Hunting is generally held by some inhabitants in particular place to meet their primary needs, [AN ACTIVITY THAT WAS ENCOURAGED BY THE INTERNATIONAL TRADE OF ENDANGERED ANIMALS. s]but this occurred since the international trade of endangered creature remains existence. The ivory trade in Africa is an appropriate example to illustrate this notion CIRCUMSTANCE. A high demand from c China encourages native citizens to hunt elephants and take its ivories for being sold SELL ITS IVORIES. This is doubtless will leadS TO the deterioration of the volume of elephants, so no doubt that the illegal catch HUNTING of THE animal will causeS the decline of their numbers.

Furthermore, a Another considerable cause leading to THE extinction of fauna is the deforestation held for particular purposeS. Due to the fact that THE human population is inclined, the TO PERFORM illegal logging for human necessities and plantations tend to be popular, affecting that THIS AFFECTS other creatures lose AND LEADS TO THEIR LOSS OF their natural habitat for surviving . Case in point, since an acre of forests in Borneo Island has been converted to A palm plantation, more endangered animals are showed SHOWN in human surroundings. And m Many of them are exploited by settlers for trade and food. By this phenomenon, it IT can be concluded that the cut of CUTTING OF trees unwisely is ARE more likely to make the number of animals decreased .

Regarding with some causes of fauna extinction, a diverse of activities can be done UNDERTAKEN to tackle some factors leading TO the animal extinction. Firstly, a strict rule toward illegal hunting has to be issued in order to eradicate the animal trafficking around the world. Aside from that, a funding to help people have a fixed income so that they are not interested to hunt IN HUNTING animals, has to be provided by THE government. Finally, good cooperation between the official GOVERNMENT and the citizens in TO PREVENT avoiding forest exploitation without long-term goal SO;UTIONS should be held. By doing these activities, there will be no IT WILL BE impossible that those various cases are CANNOT BE FIXED fixable .

In conclusion, several factors like poaching and deforestation are the main factors leading TO ANIMAL AND fauna extinction. However there are several activities to hold in tackling THAT CAN BE IMPLEMENTED REGARDING these issues such as the issuing of strict constitution LAWS toward animal poaching, the donation to native citizens in getting a fixed income so that they are hindered from animal hunting, and good cooperation between government and inhabitants in cutting down trees wisely .

Writing Feedback / "Traditional values are irrelevant to modern society" Do you agree? [2]

Thanh, the essay is hugely academic in nature. You have cited numerous sources in support of one side of the argument. That is a good thing, specially since you properly cited the information within the paragraphs. That shows a well researched paper and an analytical stance on your part as you really read the reports or books that the quotes were based on. However, you need to double check your sources because you lack a reference to the source for the Rockwell cited information.

While I enjoyed the verifiable information in the essay, I seem to not have found the reference to your agreement or disagreement on the given topic. I expected to read a stand alone paragraph that would have indicated your personal, instead of academic source based opinion, regarding the question posed. So, while the essay is well written, I am not sure how good the score of this essay would be without a clear reference and discussion to your personal opinion.

You could have made a reference to your agreement or disagreement to the stated problem in the introduction of the essay so that we would have at least gotten an idea as to why the essay discussion ran a certain way. You would not have needed the stand alone paragraph in that instance because you already stated your opinion and therefore, made it clear that you would be discussing the essay in support of your stance :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Should be the government control the water consumption of residents? [3]

All of p People around the world have to consume water to still STAY alive.
... since there is no guarantee of the water availability. I absolutely agree that THE government who has the highest responsibility of OVER both human and natural resources AND HAVE has to oversee the water consumption CONTROL of residents.

Different regions have different populationS. The total of demography influences the amount of water THAT AN AREA USES. , a An area which has more population will need much MORE water.

... is used in many primary aspects OF LIFE such as sanitation and irrigation.
... technologies that inhabitants can operate USE to purify water if the source is limited.
... live with polluted water can take USE a water purification tool, so they CAN have lots of pure water. Therefore, it is not essential for THE government to manage ...

However, residents have to realize that sources of natural wealthy such as water is uncertain since it depends on rainfall. These days and ages , the weather is unpredictable, . s So the drought come in several areas as ARE a serious problem. Taking India, Puerto Rico, and North Korea as the examples, residents in OF these countries lack of water.

... they have to spend lots A LARGE AMOUNT of money.
Consequently, THE government and society have ...

To sum up, although inhabitants consume more water for IN their daily life, THE government has to ensure that THE water consumption of residents is not excessive because IT WILL EVENTUALLY CAUSE A drought will come undetermined . It will be better if they prevent early this problem EARLIER.

Scholarship / Social justice, intersectional feminism, Congolese values. Acquired Knowledge Outside Class - Gates [3]

Kerry, why don't you consider using a non-academic source of education and enlightenment as a discussion in response to this prompt? It just seems to me like you have spent so many essays concentrating on the academic aspect of your intellectual development. I just feel like you should take a break and offer the reviewer an opportunity to learn about the way you learn when you are outside of the classroom setting.

One way you can discuss this is through the presentation of how your friends had to deal with racism and labeling. How was it for you or all of you outside of your group? What was the specific instance that led you to change your mindset about labeling? It would be nice if you could discuss that topic further as it relates and continues the discussion of your previous essay topic. If you add to the information for that previous response through this essay, you will end up extending the discussion and offering the reviewer a clearer idea as to how you developed your response to the previous prompt requirement.

Now, I am not saying that this essay response is not good or useful because it is. it is just that most of the students will already use an academic setting so it would be nice if you could offer the reviewer a breather from that type of presentation. It will also most likely result in his remembering your essay more than the others that responded to the same prompt.

Writing Feedback / What do you think is the biggest environmental problems in VN? How can you solve the problem? [6]

Linh, the essay that you present as a discussion of your country's problem is weak and does not really offer a solid, believable, and implementable solution to the problem. Instead of explaining the kinds of environmental pollution problems the country faces, you should instead make reference to the industrial problems brought about by the improving economy of Vietnam. keep in mind that the pollution problems are gernally the same in every nation and the difference only lies in the way each country approaches a solution to the problem.

Your solutions concentrate mainly on changing the mindset of the people in order to change their attitude about pollution. All of your solutions are placed solely on the shoulders of the citizens of the nation. As you are most likely aware, the government should be the focal point of the solutions because it is only the government that can compel people to change their minds and attitudes regarding causing pollution in the country. Only government laws can prevent industrial pollution, and only the government can punish the offenders. Therefore, equal responsibility should be placed, and discussed within the essay for the people and government roles in solving the problem.

Keeping that aspect of the discussion in mind, it is obvious that your solutions and conclusion presented doesn't really deal with the complete issue of pollution in Vietnam. Therefore, the essay can do with some major revision through additional content and discussions.

Undergraduate / Why Yale? The academic resources at Yale far surpass the resources available at Vanderbilt. [6]

Don't fixate your discussion on the weakness of Vanderbilt. Keep in mind that these are both IVY league schools that tend to band together when one of them is attacked. So putting down your current university in the hopes of being considered for a slot in the new university will not work in a positive manner. You will just make sure that you endanger your chances of admission that way. There is a more positive manner to approach the essay while connecting it to your time at Vanderbilt just the same.

Mention how you enjoyed your time at Vanderbilt and how you have learned from them both academically and socially. However, you have come to realize that Yale offers you more opportunities in terms of learning and social interaction than Vanderbilt. Then mention the academic programs and social activities that you feel will help you become an even more developed person in the future. The point, is to make both Ivy universities seems beneficial to your development. That boosts your image as a student who is chasing after the best possible academics that he can get instead of a student who seems to be sour-graping against his current university for an unspecified reason.