Undergraduate / "My experiences in England" - Event/experience in life essay - University of Florida [5]

The greatest experience and blessing of my life, which I value greatly, is the experience of having grown up while attending a purely international school. Through this, I grew up learning about different cultures, religions and different points of views. All this can be cut if you want to make some room for more material. I would do this:

My closest friends are Pakistani, Filipino, Indonesian, Singaporean, Bengali, Turkish, American, Lebanese... and the list goes on. I have had to be responsible and careful of taking...

That way you will have some room to add content about the "third culture kid" concept to the beginning of the third paragraph. That is my idea for you. It is such a great concept! But this stuff I scratched out (above) is not so important. How about adding some material about exactly what kind of person this third culture kid has become.

For example, instead of writing, "I will bring values, beliefs, and ideas," you can write about a SPECIFIC idea that is most important to you... a specific mission you are on as you enter your professional field.

:-)

Undergraduate / "What if i'm not an athlete?"---U of Michigan [7]

I should have suggested this before:
I am not an athlete from any angle -- neither a big fan of sports who would spend three hours a day in playing tennis, nor a talent sports star who can monopolize five of eight gold medals in my school's sports meeting.

I added a dash to make it clearer and more distinct.

Well, I like all of it and do not want you to have to cut any, but if you must cut some, try making this into one succinct sentence:

However, my state of mood gradually changed, when Thea from Norway chatted with me with excitement late one night, telling me thousands of her absorbing anecdotes in skiing, when Felix from Germany translated his tips ... understood, "The most important thing is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well." This is the part you can shorten or cut.

:-)

Research Papers / What ancient societies would think of "bettering yourself". [6]

Well, it is looking great. And yeah, try adding citations. It's easy. I mean, there is no need to do it with this one (though I think adding citations will guarantee an A), but with other essays and even anything you write, really, it is great to just put a name in parentheses to tell where the info comes from (Hacker). And it is also easy to, "give a page number in parentheses if you directly quote a source, and make a list of all sources you cited at the end of the paper" (Jones 14).

Works Cited
Hacker, Diana.The Writer's Handbook. 6th ed. New York: Bedford St. Martin, 2002.
Jones, Bob. A Book that Does Not Really Exist. New York: Kevin's Imagination Publishing, 2010.

Undergraduate / A significant influence on me? My violin teacher of course!! [5]

The first paragraph needs another sentence. It is short, and it seems to suggest that the essay is simply going to be about trusting and admiring someone. But can you add a sentence that hints at a subtler truth to which you'll lead us during the essay? Something not-so-simple.

Under Deday's training, my high school years have been truly musical. ---brilliant sentence

Diligently and became Lowell's intermediate orchestra concertmaster. ---- very impressive. I love it...

All of these achievements would not have been possible without Deday's help.--- excellent, so add a sentence to that first paragraph to tell the reader that this essay will be about the way a person can empower and inspire another toward real accomplishments.

comma: a small, dingy studio and...

Deday has given me my life's purpose.----- yeah, and you can also maybe take action to help her achieve her aspirations. Sometimes a great teacher focuses so much on the students but never on getting herself out of the dingy studio and into some environment worthy of her passion and inspiration. It will be nice if this essay can conclude with an affirmation of your intention to return the favor.

:-)

Undergraduate / "globalization should not open gap between rich and poor" - (an issue of importance) [6]

comma:
When you walk into a shop and find fancy imported foods and cosmetics, or when ...

Globalization has greatly affected my generation and the way we live. For example Globalization has made it---- I think you are repeating the word globalization too many times! :-)

Finally, at the end of the essay I see that you make a theme: it has good and pad aspects. You should introduce this theme at the beginning of the essay.

Instead of repeating globalization so many times, call it other things. You can find clever ways yo refer to it. It is a process of "shrinking," for example. The world is shrinking. Also, you might want to cite the work of Thomas Friedman, who has written a lot about Globalization.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my goals when studying abroad" - what would you bring to the diversity [6]

Here is an idea:
For me, I want to take part in the foreign education, but I will maintain the Vietnamese essence in me. One more surprise: my friends, who initially thought Dan Bau was an unwise choice, after seeing me play Dan Bau, are now attracted to it so much.---ha ha, excellent! You write well.

Do you see why I added a colon? (i.e. this---> :). IT can mean "more to come."

:-)

Undergraduate / "The gift of fait from grandfather" - The thing I value the most (Common app essay) [3]


Rip off means to "steal from." Or if I am overcharged for me bag of cotton candy, like $4 for a stupid bag of cotton candy, I might feel "ripped off." But ripping an essay to shreds... I'll do it! See below. :-)

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching." That is what my grandfather told me when he handed me his steel ring, just few days before he passed away. ----- beautiful. I love the expression and the way you portrayed this experience.

A comma will be nice here: Anyway, I sported the ring.

hyphen: strong-willed and hard-working

Very good: Now, at the cusp of adulthood...

He let enabled me to understand ...

The most secure thing in life is death. We are all visiting this world; someday we'll have to leave this life and maybe start a new one.

...to slide onto my finger.

A gift that I don't need to worry about losing. it . My grandfather gave me the gift of faith. Part of him lives in my heart, and when I see people wearing a shiny steel ring, I do not envy it them.

This is one of the best essays ever. Hover your mouse cursor over my username and you'll see that I have corrected thousands of essays, and I honestly think this is one of the best essays ever written by anyone. Congratulations on your great writing ability!

I am going to link some people to this so that they might also benefit from it:

Linking these people to it:
essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

You should join them and be an EF contributor!!

Undergraduate / The values of knowledge and leadership - Yale supplement essay [7]


Change the period to a comma.
"You have one minute to answer," is what each...
or do this:
"You have one minute to answer." This sentence is what each....

The right answers are morally supportive, the wrong ones are intellectually challenging. ---- I dont' know what this means. Also, it is a run on sentence (the kind called a comma splice).

Can you improve it? Make it easier to understand?

:-)

Undergraduate / "My time at the home"- Common App short answer [9]

hyphen:
The gentle-faced octogenarian was ...

Eight years ago, a school trip to a retirement home endeared me to such institutions, and as such when the opportunity to _______ _________ arose, the choice was clear.

Instead of writing "many things," you can be more specific:
...Home taught me about________ and __________, but above all it taught me that through compassion, empathy and patience you could connect to anyone, be they 17 or 97.

Incomplete sentence: Someone to debate with and another to relax with.

Great sentence: Who might open a mine of gems hitherto unknown to me?

Welcome to essayforum! I'm glad you are here. Thanks for helping the people you have been helping. :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "Should students be required to attend classes?" [2]


This is a good point.

So a policy of optional attendance saves time and money.


Good sentence.

...escape bad teaching. ---- Hmmmm... alright, after reading this essay, I came to a conclusion. A higher quality university can have smaller class sizes, good teaching, and carefully kept attendance records. If more money is invested by the school, the school can raise its standards. I bet a lot of organizations would be more impressed with applicants who attended a college where showing up for class was mandatory. I think that when people don't go to class it shows that education has become undermined as degrees are bought and sold.

In your conclusion, you express the opposite view. You argue that it is good for classes to be optional. I guess that is good if the classes are challenging enough; if classes are challenging enough, then the student will indeed have to work hard regardless of whether or not he attends class.

Anyway, I guess I agree with you, but I think it really is best if students respect the teacher-student relationship and show up to class so that the teacher has a chance to really give an inspiring experience. It is rough for a teacher to be treated like a television program that you can ignore if you want to. :-)

Scholarship / "to study engineering" -outlining study/career aspirations, Scholarship Application [2]

300 words allows you 3 solid paragraphs. Most paragraphs I write are about 300 words.

That makes it possible to give an interesting introduction paragraph that ends with a thesis statement. The thesis statement is the message you want the reader to remember.

Paragraph 2 can give some discussion of a great example to support the main idea.

Paragraph 3 can consider the implications and speculate about the future.

Do not waste a single sentence being plain and boring. I'm afraid this is completely plain and boring: "Following the completion of high school I wish to study engineering, ... the use of our rapidly diminishing fossil fuels have on the environment." You could express this in a sentence of only 12-15 words, and you can add your own unique attitude toward the challenge of engineering innovations for sustainability.

Remember: you should write the essay as if it was something you were writing simply to express yourself, not for a college prompt. That means what you say should be significant enough to write. " It is because of this that I hope to become an engineer as it means that I can pursue something which I am passionate about, mathematics, while at the same time aiding in the environment's recovery." This is written with more words than necessary, and it is just INFORMING the reader of an interest you have. Don't inform the reader; INSPIRE the reader.

A 300 word essay is enough room to express your most meaningful idea, the idea that made you choose engineering over teaching or being a researcher, etc. Share your most valuable insight. :-)

Undergraduate / "To the World" Why Stanford? Supplement [9]


I think this could be written in a more intriguing or clever way.

I like this: Though my little town is the ideal place to settle, I want out.

Okay, so for this and your other essay I don't want to suggest any changes to the writing, because it seems inspired... but I want to tell you that it would be great if your career plans had some more mention. As though you are so focused on actualizing your plan that you cannot help but mention it when talking about this.

So... how about changing a sentence here and there so that it reflects your plan. Like this:
By the end of my Stanford career, I hope to accumulate multiple perspectives on the field of ________.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roomate Supps: Want to go eat? [8]


This is very good.
I remember really liking this essay when I first read it.
How about mentioning your career intentions at least once?! Actually, once will be enough. Don't make it a central focus, but mention what you plan to do with your education.

If you ever offer up an idea but studies get in the way, rest assured we will someday do it.--- this sentence may be written in a slightly boring way.

Anyway, this is great! It is already great, so don't worry about it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "There was a God somewhere watching over us" -an experience that changed your life. [9]


Yeah, I notice that friends are often willing to give a cigarette to a friend who is trying to quit, too! Well, if your friends are acting as enablers to support your modifier habit, they should be ashamed! ha ha, just kidding.

This is excellent. I tried to help you find 23 words to cut, but all the sentences seem necessary. I would not want you to give up any of them. But "I dreamed of" seems like something you could cut... You could shorten the sentence that begins with those words, I mean.

The ending makes it great, because it shows how this affected you.

Undergraduate / "my own Indian heritage" - My Rutgers about it vibrant community and culture,etc [4]


Yes!

I'll take a look now, too.


I don't think this really means anything! Don't start with a complex sentence that does not mean anything. What is it to "define" a "proficient community"? Let me look for the wisdom in this essay...

I found it!----" One good turn deserves another." This phrase was embedded into my mind at a early age, as a result I made it a part of my responsibility to volunteering back to my community that nurtured me and provided my education. -----Let's make this the intro sentence! Do not get rid of the stuff that comes before this, but instead condense it into a sentence of explanation taht you can put right after this great sentence above.

Here is a sentence fragment:
Anything from donating cloths, to canned goods or even something simple as planting a tree in a park was helpful to the community.
Do this:
A good turn can consist of anything from donating....

Okay, so that is my advice! Make this wise saying -- one good turn deserves another -- into your theme. Get rid of that first sentence. And use paragraphs! Are there no paragraphs here, or does it just seem that way in the post? If you do not already use paragraphs, google this:

how to write good paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / Irish-American, dad's escape, mom's immigration - WashU in st.louis common app [4]


Hi Erin, you can cut out content as you change the focus slightly. All this writing is very good, and I hate to ask you to cut any of it, but you have to, because this is supposed to be about an issue of significance... an issue. Like an injustice occurring in your town, an international policy that you think is unfair, a problem that needs to be solved, etc. What is a PROBLEM that needs to be solved for Irish American immigrants?

Focus on a problem, and name it as the ISSUE OF CONCERN. Name it as the issue somewhere in paragraph #1

:-)

Undergraduate / (Fasting) - What is the best advice you've ever given or received? [4]


ha ha, cute.


Ah! I guess you are right. Well, read it again and see what is the most powerful statement. Use that statement as your starting point to write something more.

You might scrap all of this, but do not scrap the idea. Continue to write, and keep only the best material. Inspiration will come, and with it will come rhythm. You can tell when writing has the feeling of inspiration. This does not have it, and it is just like sometimes when I play the guitar but do not feel inspiration: I have technical proficiency, and in the same way you have proficiency as a writer. I have good songs to play, and in the same way you have a good concept. Just sit down again now that you have renewed energy, and use it to express the most profound ideas about your practice of renunciation and focus.

Undergraduate / Risk I took running for Student Government - Common App [3]

Capitalize
I keep thinking, "It has to be here! I know ...

The beginning is very confusing. I think you should add a sentence to the end of para #1 and para #3. Make them sentences that leave the reader with an explanation for what this is about. In para #1 it is hard to understand the part about the scalpel, and then an election... know what I mean? Maybe you should write: Metaphorical scalpel in hand, I ....

Oh... also I think para #2 should be longer so that it is more substantial, and that way the reader will really know what this is all about.

I'll add a comma here to improve clarity.
As the ends of the skin are forced to kiss, I can no longer see the raw wound underneath.

Alright, well this is obviously awesome. I just think more explanation is needed at the beginning so that the reader can know what is going on all throughout the essay.

Essays / "analyze 3 major causes of stress in my life and how to fight them" Cause and Effect [3]


So this means she wants a conclusion para. That means you will need an intro and conclusion, so you cannot talk about the 3 things in 3 body paragraphs. You'll have to talk about 3 things in 2 paragraphs. That can be cool. Talk about all three things in the intro, then discuss them in the 2 body paragraphs.


This is a great theme!!Make this statement, that they all relate to one overarching problem, in the last sentence of the first paragraph!

C'mon, write something, you can do it! :-)
It is great that you have a theme to make it unique.

Scholarship / ART: subjects in which you excel. To what factors do you attribute your success? [2]


get rid of an "in".
...in which I excel is art.

Let's take one of these and combine them so that you don't have an incomplete sentence:
I thought it was great. I thought it was perfect -- that it was the best thing I have ever made.

I thought of a great theme for you to try. See what you can do with this theme that you established:
My project was complete! I was so happy I got a chance to work on it more because the finished piece, even though not symmetrical or perfectly straight, was so much more appealing and interesting too look at than how I originally had it.--- I happen to know that this same process occurs with your thesis or dissertation. If you intend to become highly accomplished in a particular field, it would be great to compare this project to the dissertation you might write in the future. The proposal and dissertation share this quality: they get rejected by the committee many times until the final product is excellent.

So, that is my suggestion. Try comparing this to other projects you are going to do in college and grad school! :-)

Undergraduate / "shouldering my father's responsibility" - Most significant life achievement [7]

Excellent!! I know what you mean.

Undergraduate / "The Problem of Prejudice" - Common App Essay [7]


I hope you change this so that it says something more specific that you want to do, something realistic.

Also, I really think the term upper class should be eliminated from that intro. It is not relevant, just distracting.

This essay is excellent. I can't think of any other suggestions to make, other than that it would be better if you could make it so that the whole thing is indirectly about your career intentions. Know what I mean? No matter what career aspirations you have, it will be best if you can make connections to this theme of experience + knowledge = understanding/tolerance.

Undergraduate / "The Michigan Breast Cancer" - Significant Experience-Personal statement [3]

The Michigan Breast Cancer 3 Day to me wasn't just some obstacle I had overcome or some kind of great achievement; rather it was a self discovery of unforeseen possibilities, an awareness of how the world out there is so much bigger than me.---- why would the walk be an obstacle? It is an action you take deliberately; obstacles are different. Also, an awareness of what is out there in the world is not the same as self-discovery, so I just really do not like this whole sentence.

"Oh, pretty, pretty please" begged my friend Katie for the hundredth time. I looked at her eager face, biting my lip in hesitation even--- if you want to do this, you need the word "had."

"Oh, pretty, pretty please," my friend, Katie, had begged for the hundredth time. I looked at her eager face, biting my lip in hesitation even-----notice the 3 commas I added, too.

But why tell about how your friend had to beg? Why not tell more about the significance and the implications for your future?

I was worried about (not worried of)

Already, this walk had taught me one of my first important lessons: large scale accomplishments require ample time and commitment. ------- This is a good concept. I wish you would write more about it.

My family urged me not to continue with the walk. "Why waste your time doing something that won't make much of a difference? You could spend this tme doing something much more productive" my sister had said to me. Confused and distraught, I ran outside after her outburst, tears streaming down my face. ----- you have a typo here with the word time. Also, it seems sort of offensive that people would discourage a high school kid to discontinue something meaningful like this!

Okay, bottom line: I think you should look at what the MAIN message of this essay is, and eliminate all details that are irrelevant to it. Know what I mean? What is the main message? I think it should be about something SPECIFIC that you learned from it and something you want to do in the future. Make a connection between this and your career.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A visual arts student." - UC Prompt "Describe the world you come from [3]


Your description and detail are excellent, but I hope you add something to the end of the first para to show what the point of this discussion is going to be.

How about using a colon:
shed my drab alter ego and become something much greater: A visual arts student.

I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to be a part of something great. I want to --- this is very cool, but I think you should add something to the end of the essay to "complete" the theme by referring back to what you said at the beginning about all that you are NOT, because of what you choose to be. You are not this, but you are that, and distinctively so.

Undergraduate / "Baseball is important to me" - Help with Occidental Supplement [4]

This is a great essay... no, I agree with Linmark that there is nothing bragging about it...

And for me, that extra hour of sleep is no small sacrifice. ----- funny and cool.

But because I love the game of baseball, I am willing to put in extra time to succeed.---- This part is repetitive and unnecessary.

Try a semi-colon: This does not only apply to baseball, though; there are many other...--- wait a minute, don't say "there are many other"..

Instead, name those other things.

...baseball, though; there are many other things in my life that I care about, and I have habits to prove that I care about other things, such as __________, __________, and _________. For example, ___________________ are but waking up early every morning to practice hitting is perfectly representative of the dedication that I capable of when I am both challenged by and interested in an activity. I scratched out this past part because it was repetitive.

Use the end of the essay to talk about the college aspirations that you'll treat with the same dedication.

Graduate / "foster-care, juvenile cour system" - My Law School Personal Statement [2]

In the United States, there ar e over 500,000 kids are in foster-care.

... severe mental illness caused by years of drug abuse. ----- or was the drug abuse caused by mental illness? Maybe this is a good place to write "associated with mental illness."

And, unfortunately, it was a general belief that most of the children living in those facilities would not complete high school. --- well you showed that you can not only succeed academically but also become a skillful writer. This essay is very impressive.

...delicate balance between of work, school, and my desire to pursue an education while being an active member of the community.

Whenever you have a compound sentence, use a comma before the conjunction (see Strunk and White): I am a beneficiary of the far-reaching consequences of this mission, and I hope you will provide me with an opportunity to advance it.

oh! Nevermind! I had to add the word "I" there (above) to make it a compound sentence. The way you originally wrote it was fine.

No, I do not think this is repetitive, and really this is going to impress them. I'm sure you'll make a lot of positive differences in the world!

Undergraduate / The mysteries of human memory: My Common App essay [6]


Nice!! I am very entertained by this so far...

Yes, lately it has been about the future. ---- good, can you include some mention of how these memories will influence your future as a (name specific work in a specific field)? That will make this perfect.

I look forward to reading more of your work!! This is good, inspired writing.

Undergraduate / "life will teach you" - Significant Experience Essay - My Road - Common App Essay [4]

There's nothing quite like the feeling of having a total disconnect from my _________. --- I think some detail will help clarify.

Try and imagine that feeling; now, don't let it stop for three weeks. ---- I don't really like this part where you instruct the reader... it might be less imposing if you did this:

Try and imagine that feeling lingering for three weeks.

However, for three short weeks of my summer, I took an unbelievable detour. --- here at the end of the second para I read this and say, "Oh, well, I wonder where he is going with this..."

I think you need a thesis statement added to that first paragraph, or at least to the second.

This does not seem cliche, not at all.

That which isn't in books, life will teach you. ---- this is a good theme!! consider moving this sentence to the intro paragraph! :-)

Writing Feedback / Extinct Animals - Essay [2]

In fact, I disagree with idea that animals have been created to serve human beings so that we have the right to do whatever we want to them.

I strongly support the claim that extinct species will only be saved if the public have changed its behaviors such as destroying lands and hunting.--- extinct species cannot be saved, because they are already extinct. You should change the word extinct to endangered.

Destroying lands plays an important factor role in threatening the existence of animals. As an excuse of to expand economy and investment, many people start to devastate forests in order to build buildings, flats, factories and farms. Accordingly, lands shrink and animals become exposing exposed to the anger of nature without shelters.

apostrophe:
Furthermore, if people do not take animals' homes, they spoil their lands by producing the factories garbage, dirt and poisons.

Haunting is what a ghost does!
Besides, Land detriment, haunting hunting is another element ...

:-)

In summary, we have to stop demolishing forests, which are the homes of animals, and we have to stop hunting animals. We should save endangered species and keep the balance in the earth.

We should not forget that we still need them in our meals. what does this sentence mean?

In my opinion, protecting those animals is not person's duty but it is something for which all humankind should be held accountable. being's accountability.

Graduate / My business in the healthcare industry-Health Informatics Statement of Personal Goals [7]


Hey, I like the first paragraph, and I like this sentence, but I don't like the first para ending on this sentence. There is room to add another sentence, I think, so that you will be fully expressing your idea instead of leaving the reader hanging. Express the essays primary message at the end of that intro.

Okay, I changed my mind! Don't try to express the main idea at the end of that paragraph... Sorry, that may be a bad idea. Instead, I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph that HINTS at the lesson learned or the "moral of the story" but does not say it directly.

I see that at the end of the essay you do a good job of explaining...-------I believe that with m My experience in software development and health care I.T. will enable me to excel in the M.S. in Health Informatics program at ...

Undergraduate / Flying and piloting - Common App (Significant Experience) [3]

Flight has always interested me.--- boring first sentence!

The interest started at an air show at a local airport many years ago. I remember the distinct roar as the aircraft rocketed into the air; the grey silhouettes of the military aircraft juxtaposed against the azure sky.----- wow, very cool writing here. How about making this the first sentence so that you start with a strong sentence?

Flight has always interested me. The interest started at an air show at a local airport many years ago. I remember the distinct roar as the aircraft rocketed into the air; the grey silhouettes of the military aircraft juxtaposed against the azure sky. I also remember the feeling of excitement and awe that came over me. Seeing such power had a profound effect on me. From that moment on, I resolved to ....----now that is more like it! Get rid of those two first sentences.

Here is one of those cliches Melissa mentioned:
I remember the day like yesterday;

Do this: October 4th, 2009 was cloudy and raining off an on throughout the day. I had been up in the air a couple ...

Oh, and you end with a cliche, too: I realized I could accomplish anything I wanted to.----however, it is a good one! I like it, but you use to many cliches. Even your greeting has a cliche: "any and all" comments welcome. Ha ha, so everybody has a different mind weed to remove, and yours is too many cliches. :-) This story is sort of exciting, thouigh, and well written. I really like the way it is an affirmation that you can do anything you choose to do. That is an important message that I hope you share with a lot of people.

Writing Feedback / "Christians should be more active" - Does this essay fit the toulmin model? [2]

I see that you organized it around the 6 parts of the toulmin model. If you want to ensure good grade, you should use specific words like "evidence," "backing" ... and at the end, especially, you should be clear about the way you explain the extent to which what you are saying is true, the conditions or limitations that apply, etc.


It is ironic that you mention the jet fuel he used, because jet fuel is one of the most significant kinds of harmful emissions.

I think Gospel should be capitalized, while seminary professor should not be.... but I could be wrong!

Men (and women) and brethren, in light of this--- why put "and women" in parentheses?

Scholarship / "to be remember by many people" - Leadership Scholarship Essay [3]

Action verb:
A leader has to be someone who can think independently and someone who ca n take charge of any situation.

...and whites would be created treated as equals. Bec ause of his honor, courage, and leadership African Americans have

Even though they are not dead,---- being a leader does not require a person to be dead. I don't think this phrase is necessary. However, I see that you have a theme of "being remembered as a leader," so you can keep this phrase, but use different words. It is funny to say "even though they are not dead," as if being dead make a person a better leader.

Okay, my advice for you is this: Add more discussion of what YOU want to do to be a leader and the kind of work you want to do, the kind of people you want to lead and inspire.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My father, an immigrant's story" - a person's influence on you- Common Application [3]

Imagine wearing the same thing to school everyday. ---- every day is 2 words here. Use it as one word only when it is an adjective describing a noun.

Good sentence!----> Speaking no English, they were heading towards a puzzle.

He thought about growing his own family and not caring about what was going to happen. ----- I think you can write this in a better way!

He thought about growing his own family and did not care what he would have to sacrifice.

Run on sentence:
My father had faith, he believed ...
Do this:
My father had faith; he believed...

If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been become the hard worker I am today.

Nice ending!

Book Reports / "The Simplification of Culture" - is Bissoondath right? [2]

Bissoondath criticizes the multiculturalism policies, stating that it they "[encourage] the devaluation of that which it claims to wish to protect and promote" (Bissoondath, pg 32).

I changed it so that you can have "number agreement." Policies (plural) goes with encourage (not encourages), so I changed the word and put it in brackets. That is how you use brackets when you quote someone.

Hey, why do you have pg in the parenthetical reference? In APA style it would be
APA: (Bissoondath, p. 32)

and in MLA style is would just be like this:
MLA: (Bissoondath 32)

But not "pg"


Sounds like a terrible idea! Every culture is the product of other blended cultures, just as I am the product of my parents' blended DNA. Even if cultures were kept separate, they would continue to evolve and change.

Multiculturalism is supported by the government based on m otives associated with self-interest, which in turn serves the social-interest.--- great ending! I just made a small change.

Undergraduate / childhood hero- decribe an influential fictional character and said influence [3]

I guess I think the first paragraph should end this way:
Whenever Tommy and his friends are stuck in their playpen, Tommy has the key to unlock it and dive into the magical haven. (add a sentence that expresses the central message of the essay)

(do a paragraph break to give the reader a chance to consider that message)
Paragraph 2: However, although Tommy is adventurous, he ...

Yes, as babies, Tommy's and Chuckie's problems seem minute to high school students, but objectively speaking, they are almost equivalent. ----I think I agree with you, but this could be expressed in a better way!

Yes, as babies, Tommy and Chuckie have problems that ...This makes it correct.

Also, this needs to be explained better:
...seem minute to high school students, objectively speaking but in the sense that _____________ ________ ___ __________, they are almost equivalent.

Yes, you are on the right track! It will be great if you can identify some values associated with your (tentatively or determinedly) chosen professional field that are reflected in this character.

Graduate / MY CREATIVE PROPOSAL FOR FILM MFA [2]


This part is confusing! I am confident that the sentence will be better without this phrase.

I'll add a comma:
It was a farewell to the 20th century, yet some of its characteristics still remained, such as the use of cassette tapes.

My fascination about revealing what more had happened in 2000 is turned on by the devotion to nostalgia. This part needs to be written a different way.

To recall myself, I started middle school of that time. I was thirteen, perhaps the age that one's brain is most unsettled, eager to perceive and imagine, and can storage the largest quantity of data that can be transformed into future memory. ----another great sentence!!

Again, the subject matter is the year 2000; the strategy is to partially borrow a perspective of the 13 year-old girl/tractor duo, and the essential theme is to embody the significance and uniqueness of this year.

what is the true significance behind all these nostalgia...---- can nostalgia be plural? I would think it is "all this nostalgia" or "all these nostalgic (plural noun)"...

The difference between a documentary and a mockumentary is that documentary does not manipulate the fact presented, ------I would say any portrayal involves some manipulation!

This documentary, temporarily given an ironic name of <the Making of 2000>, is my...

This is obviously very inspired and well conceived! They will like it!

Undergraduate / Qualities, Influence of Family/culture/environment-UCF ESSAYS [5]

Connecting to people comes naturally to me, as I see them for who they are without judging them based on the color of their skin, religious beliefs, political views or economic background. -----good sentence! I just made a little change.

... cultural differences and accept different views on things.
(do a paragraph break here before talking about your family)
new paragraph: My ancestors were immigrants who succeeded by ...

Sometimes it is better to use 'enables'
My multicultural background allows enables me to have...

I have taken practiced Martial Arts since I ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Auschwitz and gray pebbles--Common App essay [4]

eerie, bullet-sized stones ----- bullet-sized is a great detail, impressive! But you already used the word eerily so maybe you need a word other than eerie here.

Excellent, how can I make suggestions to change something like this?!

anger burned all other emotion to ash ---I'm not helping! I need you to give me writing advice; you don't need my advice.

Oh, actually I have an idea for you after all:
Take this sentence out of the last paragraph --- I went to Auschwitz for a day. --- and move it up to the intro paragraph. It is better to let the reader know what is going on so she can appreciate every sentence of the essay as she reads it. This sentence sounds strange at the end, but it can be useful at the beginning.

If word limits allow, add to that conclusion paragraph! not because it is incomplete, but because you write so well that more is better. This is really the kind of writing that can only come from --- nevermind, I don't want to jinx it!

Undergraduate / "Making Thoreau Proud" -- Common App Personal Statement [7]

Very cool. In the first para, it would be good to quote thoreau or mention a particular concept other than just the overarching concept of Walden to which you referred. Quote him, or reference a particular part of Walden.

Then... at the end I think this needs a semi-colon:
My story is not already written, it is only a few chapters through. --- instead of a comma, a semi-colon.

And... let's see what the conclusion of it all is:
I believe that, ironically, we live in order to die with a story. We follow Thoreau's footsteps into the woods, or wherever our heart leads us, and we discover on our own how our story will be written.--- so it is about self-determination and slef-discovery. That is good, but it raises another question... where is your heart (maybe choose a word not as cliched as heart) leading you? Can you give yet another revelation at the end? Add a sentence at the end! :-)